Original subtitles

A one, two, three...

Da, da, ba, da, da, ba, du-wa

Oh, oh, oooh...

If Santa passes by my stocking

I promise not to mind a lot

The only thing I want for Christmas

Is just to keep the things that I've got

A pair of loving arms around me

A garden of forget-me-nots

Forget-me-nots

The only thing I want for Christmas

All I want for Christmas

Is just to keep the things that I've...

Go-o-o-ot...

Things that I've go-o-o-ot

Oh me, oh my

It's do or die, I've gotta learn that auction cry

Gonna make my mark and be an auctioneer

25 dollar bid and then a 30 dollar, 30

Will ya gimme 30, make it 30, bid a whack a 30 dollar

Will ya gimme 30

Who will-a give me 30 dollar bid?

30 dollar bid

Got a 30 dollar bid and then a 35

Will ya gimme 35 to make it 35, will ya 35

Will ya gimme 5, a 35 dollar bid?

35 dollar bid and then a 40 dollar, 40

Will ya gimme 40, make a 40 bid for a 40 dollar

Will ya gimme 40

Who will-a gimme 40 dollar bid?

Got a 40 dollar bid and then a 45

Will ya gimme 45 to make it 45

Will ya gimme 5?

Sold that hog for a 45 dollar bid...

Now, from the boy who went to school

There grew a man who played it cool--

You, uh... You ever been on a motorbike?

Oh, uh, nah.

Never been with a biker then?

Me? A biker? No.

- Have you? - No, I haven't, no.

It's not my cup of tea.

So, uh, does your mum set you up with lots of guys?

Uh, no, actually, you're the first.

Lucky me.

I need to piss. Coming?

Joking.

Uh, one more and then... let's make a move.

Great.

- Sorry. Sorry, lads. - Chop, chop.

- Who's next? - Hi.

- Um... - What crisps do you have?

Ready salted. Salt and vinegar. Prawn cocktail.

I'll have one of each.

£4.80.

- Here you go. - That's it, then, yeah.

- Nice, okay. - Okay.

One more?

Yes.

- Hello? - Hiya.

How was it, Col?

You had a nice time?

Yeah. Yeah.

Nice chap, isn't he?

All right. Night, darling.

Stockings at 8:00, okay?

What have you won?

- Amazing, Mum! - Are they?

Hark the herald angels sing

I want some figgy pudding I want some figgy pudding

You all right, Bax?

Baxy, are you okay sweetheart?

You all right there, love? Yeah?

You haven't done your cracker?

You got your dinner?

Here, give us your cracker.

Look, Nanny's brought you a tray of dinner.

That's it, open that...

Here, Dad, do the cracker with her. Come on.

Did you get some play dough?

You wanna do it, yeah? Oh, right. Here y'are.

What's his name?

Um...

- We didn't really, uh... - You don't know his name?

I... I didn't ask, Don.

I can wait nearby, if you want?

No, it's fine. It's okay.

Take the dog.

It's not clean.

I... I don't wanna take the dog.

What normal person asks someone for a date

on Christmas Day?

Well, maybe he's alone.

Yeah, maybe he's lonely.

Maybe I'll get my head bashed in or something. I don't know.

Nonsense. Ignore your brother.

It's an adventure.

Since when did Colin like adventures?

Well, I think a biker sounds exciting.

You can borrow your dad's leather jacket.

Silent night

- Holy... - Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

Round yon virgin

Mother and child

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly...

...peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Erm...

Oh, bugger!

Leave it.

Just... leave it?

Ooh.

What am I gonna do with you?

Whatever you want... really.

Hold up your hands.

Other way.

Oh! I know this one, actually.

So, uh, ready?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Wow, you're strong!

Do you give?

Do you what... excuse--

Do you give?

Yes! Yes!

Sorry.

Down.

Um...

Down?

Lick.

Huh...

Like that, then?

Huh.

Huh-huh-huh-huh. Mm...

All right.

All right.

Yeah.

Ray.

Colin.

So, if you, um, don't mind a little walk,

I saw a pub on my way here that's open 'til midnight.

I've gotta go.

Hey, girl.

Yeah, of course.

Of course you do.

Um...

I'm... I...

Sorry I was a bit...

I was a bit hopeless earlier.

I guess like most things in life,

it just takes a bit of practice.

Yeah.

Maybe, um...

I could practice with you?

Um...

I'm not around much, so...

Yeah.

All right then, Colin.

Merry Christmas.

Uh, thank you!

Hello.

He lives!

Yeah, just about.

I told you that cold air would turn your throat inside out.

You have a nice time?

Nice chap?

- Mmm. Yeah. - Hmm?

Did you get yourself a boyfriend?

Oh, no. Don't think so, Mum.

I... don't think he liked me that much.

Of course he did.

Did you kiss?

I don't think that is any of your business.

- So... - Well, fair enough.

- Hmm. - Right.

- One more chocolate? - Mmm.

Wanker.

Have you got plans tonight?

Nothing.

Any news from that biker chap of yours?

He's not my biker, Mum.

Anything I can do to help?

Ten, nine, eight...

seven, six, five...

four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

No, no, no!

I'm sorry, I'm just following orders, ma'am.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Hold on.

Do you sleep well at night?

Sorry, do I... do I sleep well at night?

Yeah.

I'm just following orders, ma'am.

Following orders?

If you wanna appeal, there's a...

Oh, I don't wanna appeal.

Come on, just take your fucking ticket off!

Um...

Hello?

- Yeah, I'm at work. - Excuse me?

Um...

Excuse me, we're not done here.

Well, if I leave early, yeah, if... If I leave now.

You're not going anywhere!

All right, I'll text you the address.

Are you deaf?

Uh, yeah. Um, I shouldn't be long, so...

Fuck you, ya fucking prick!

- Lovely. - Go on, fuck off!

Yeah, okay. All right. See you in a bit.

Yeah.

- Col? - Yeah?

What about these?

He doesn't need a present, Mum.

Soap. Some nice soap.

Gosh.

- Pete? - Um...

Pete, have you taken that nice soap?

- What? - Have you taken

the nice soap?

All right.

Gosh, you're tall.

Uh, sorry, Peggy.

Uh, uh, Peggy, Peter.

- Um, nice to meet you. - Ray.

- How d'you do? - Um...

Time for a quick drink?

Uh, no, thank you. Not when I'm riding.

No, of course not. Oh. What was I thinking?

Oh... Uh, good lad, yeah. Well, well, something soft?

We'd better get going.

- Yeah. - You, uh, you don't sound

local, Ray. Where's home?

Chislehurst.

Chislehurst...

Well, it's very nice.

Now, I've never thought of Colin as a Chislehurst sort of person.

Yeah, he'll survive.

All right. Come on then, Colin.

All right. Just...

Oh, right, yeah...

Oh, uh, Ray! Ray, sorry to fuss,

but, uh, you do have a spare helmet, yes?

- Yes. - Only, he actually has

- to wear it. - Dad...

Because he... he's not getting on without one.

He is not getting on without one.

Great.

Nice bike.

Plain black.

None of this neon crap like you see

everywhere nowadays, don't you?

Colin.

Yep, um...

Yeah.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Yeah. Don't worry, Dad.

I'm... I'm not worried.

I rode a bike when I met Colin's mum.

Sold it when the twins come along.

Bought a very expensive pram.

But I don't suppose you two need to worry about that.

Not...

I mean, not yet anyway.

Oh!

All right then, be good! Right?

- Have fun! - Watch out for the ice!

I think this jacket might be a bit crap.

But, uh...

Hey... Hey, girl.

- Hey. - Oh, hello, Rosie.

You remember me?

Thank you.

Shut the door.

One second.

It's a lovely flat.

I didn't think you'd have a piano.

- No? - No.

Don't seem like the sort.

So, what "sort" do I seem like?

Oh, no. No, no. I... I meant it as a compliment, you know.

Why don't I show you where everything is,

and then you can make dinner.

Dinner?

Dinner.

I, um...

I should say that I'm a... I'm a bit of a lousy cook.

But, um, you know, I can give it a go.

Have you lived here long then, Ray?

Pots and pans down there.

And, uh... yeah.

Something quick tonight.

Pasta.

Go easy on the cheese.

Here we go.

We eating here or...

Yeah, here's good.

Right.

Come.

Down, down.

It's not for you.

Good girl.

Aww.

Right, come on.

Time for bed.

You a snorer?

Sorry?

Do you snore?

Oh, no. No, no, no. Not... not that I know of.

- How's your bladder? - My...

My... my bladder?

Are you gonna wake me up running to the bathroom

in the middle of the night?

Uh... Oh, I see. No. No.

I think my, um, bladder's pretty good, actually.

Well, if you're quiet, you can sleep on the rug.

The rug?

If not, you should go in the hallway.

Sorry if this is not to your liking.

I'm no barista.

Do I pass then?

What do I... get if I pass?

"Children, behave"

That's what they say when we're together

"And watch how you play"

They don't understand and so we're

Yes, you can do it!

- Do you give? - No!

Give!

No!

- Give? - I give! Give!

- Come on! - I give!

Don't move.

On your front.

I'm sorry about that.

I didn't think it was gonna hurt so much.

Um, shall I finish you off?

Nah, I'm good.

Oh... Um...

Thanks for having me.

I had a lovely time.

Here we are.

All right then, I'll be off.

Don't come back before 6:00.

If you do, you'll have to wait outside.

Um... Uh...

What, 6:00 today?

Oh. Sorry, are you busy tonight?

Is there a booming market

for Colin Smiths that I'm not aware of?

Well, no, but it's just...

What?

Yeah, um...

See you at 6:00.

I need you to pick up some things.

Here.

I'll text you a shopping list.

Yeah, okay. Yep.

You can keep these.

I don't eat chocolate.

Well, no.

Of course you don't. I mean...

And buy yourself a butt plug.

You're too tight.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah. Um...

Lovely, that sounds like a plan.

Bye, then.

Um--

- Here. - Thank you.

- That's him? - Yeah.

That's your boyfriend?

Well, no, he's not my boyfriend.

We, uh, we have an arrangement.

How'd you get a man like that?

Well, he says that I have an aptitude for devotion.

I'll see you tomorrow!

You're a good, good, good girl.

Try these on.

Try what on?

Ray?

- What's this, then? - It's, uh...

Oh. Good luck with that.

Do you like it?

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Colin

Happy birthday to you

Uh, sorry.

It's Ray. Hello?

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Uh, yeah, sorry. One second.

Ready.

Yep.

All right, I'll see you in about an hour then.

Sorry about that.

Oh, yeah.

- Hmm. - Right.

Everything okay?

So, um...

when are we gonna get to meet this Ray of yours, then?

You have, haven't you?

For half a second in the dark three months ago.

Your mum used to parade me around town like a prize cow.

We're not that embarrassing, are we?

- No, no, you're not. - Right.

Well, let's get a date in the diary.

Sooner rather than later.

Having something nice for dinner?

Yeah, potato dauphinoise.

Ah, fancy.

Is Ray a good cook, then?

Oh, no, I'm cooking. Ray... Ray doesn't cook.

Right, so he's making you buy

and cook your own birthday dinner?

Yeah. I mean, I... I don't mind. So, it's--

Yeah, but it's your birthday, Colin.

You should be spoilt rotten. If Ray can't cook,

he could at least take you out somewhere nice.

Some...

Do you wanna say something?

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, actually there is... there is something.

Um, I was, uh...

wondering if maybe you might wanna come have dinner

with my parents some time?

Uh, dinner with your parents?

Yeah.

And you'd like that?

Yeah. Nah, I mean, you know, they would.

Yeah...

Yeah, I don't think that's a very good idea.

Okay.

- Nope. - Sorry.

Could you, uh, maybe be persuaded?

You know, could it...

could it be like, um,

a birthday present, maybe?

I hope you're not expecting a birthday present, Colin.

No, no, I'm not. It's... it's just... Mum,

she wants to meet you properly.

And, um...

She's quite ill, you know, she's, uh...

She's dying, actually.

But I don't wanna force you to...

- No? - No.

Okay, well, it sounds like that is exactly

what you're trying to do here.

- No, I'm not. - You are. You are.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

Oh, you couldn't upset me if you tried.

You seem pretty upset, so...

So... what?

No way!

Fucking sing, Steve!

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

And so say all of us

Blow out the candle, birthday boy!

And so say all of us

And so say all of us

Last one in buys a round of drinks!

Fuck me!

Ah! Fuck!

I'll bring him up. Get that net under him.

Go on...

Hey!

- Hey, hey, hey! - Colin! What you got?

Grab his arm... come on!

Keep your... push him!

I'm trying, Ray!

Sorry. I'm sorry, actually...

Steve!

Can I borrow Kevin?

You can have Colin.

Fine!

Oh, dear, Colin, you've been subbed out, mate.

- Come on, Kevin! - Here he comes.

Oh, yeah!

Champion.

Bye, Colin!

All right, bitches. Come on.

Let's do it. Woo!

Stop pouting, Colin!

Come on! Yeah!

Come on! Come on!

Pull him. Ah!

- Oh, yes! Yes! Nice one! - Woo!

Yeah!

Woo!

Who's next?

Oh, yeah.

Right, I need time out. Time out, time out, time out...

So, how's it going with you and Ray?

It's, um...

It's going good. Yes, it's great.

- Mm-hmm? - Mm.

You guys look really good together.

- Thank you. - No, I mean it.

He really is impossibly handsome.

You, sort of...

bring his qualities into relief.

Do you two never kiss?

No.

- Don't you miss it? - No.

I couldn't put up with no kissing.

Would drive me nuts.

Nice bike, mate!

Come on, then.

Hey, all right.

On your back.

Happy birthday, Colin.

Hope you're not keeping your hair like that

to make me feel better,

because it doesn't.

Your hair was your best feature.

Well, Ray likes it like this.

Right. So, um, is Ray a hairdresser?

I don't know.

I told you, he's discreet.

Yeah. But what does that actually mean?

It just means, Mum, don't ask personal questions.

Right, that's enough. Come on.

Cheers, everyone. Thanks for coming, boys.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Cheers. - Cheers, cheers.

Tuck in.

Oh, um...

British summer we're having.

Remember South Africa?

- Mmm-hmm. - Our honeymoon.

Amazing place, though.

Have you... Do you mi... Am I allow...

Can I ask, have you ever been?

- No. - Oh.

Amazing place.

Yeah, my... my doctor's advised me

to wear these socks.

You know, he says they'll make a real difference.

I mean, have you tried them?

- Compression socks? - Yeah.

- Uh, no. - They...

hold you apparently and stop you... anyway,

- don't know whether it works. - Do you...

Do you fly a lot, Ray?

Not really.

Mm, this gravy is incredible.

Best gravy in Bromley.

What's your secret?

If you don't mind.

Uh, oh.

No. Um, well, I, um...

I, uh, put the chicken on a rack

so that all of the juices...

Sorry.

Um, I, um, put the chicken on a rack and, um...

let the juices from the chicken go onto the veg.

And then once the chicken's done,

I'll remove it, and then into those veg

with all the chicken juices,

I add a little bit of flour and a dash of hot sauce.

- Hot sauce, huh? - Yeah.

Colin makes a good gravy.

Mm.

Colin makes a pretty good omelet,

but that's about it.

What's up with you?

What's... up with me?

- Yeah, what's up with you? - Mum, let's...

Let's talk about something else.

Yeah, I agree. I think we can...

We can talk about...

What? No, no, no, no, no.

Can we change the...

'Cause, you know, Ray, 'cause I'm not one to judge.

I'm just interested.

What's your secret?

Have... have you got another life?

Have you got... have you got a husband somewhere?

- Peggy... - Or a... a wife?

Is... Is that what discreet actually means?

Does it just mean that

you've got two wives and ten kids?

You don't have to say. All right?

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure I like the way you talk to my son.

Well, that is fine.

It's not for you to like.

Excuse me?

I can see that I make you uncomfortable.

That... our relationship makes you uncomfortable.

But deciding that what makes you uncomfortable

is bad for your son...

Honestly, that's a...

pretty backwards way of thinking.

I beg your pardon?

I'm just saying you sound a little ignorant.

Well, you sound like a cunt.

- Mum! - No, I'm sorry, Col.

I'd like to know, before I die,

I'd like to know if my son is going out with a nutjob.

Is that too much to ask?

Let's talk about something else.

Colin, you don't know who he is.

You don't know what he does.

You don't know if he's a hairdresser

or a serial killer.

He could be on the run!

Well, he's too good-looking to be on the run.

He... he'd turn too many heads.

He wouldn't get away with it.

Well... he... he is very good-looking.

He's a creep!

Our son is going out with a good-looking creep,

- and you... - Now then, stop it.

- ...you're encouraging him. - You don't...

Well...

Colin...

Colin, come on, don't... don't be like that. Colin!

"Roses are red, violets are blue

"Each day at your heel brings me closer to you

"Your hand on the throttle your leather so tight

"I crave your command from morning to night"

"Your grip is a promise your gaze a hot flame

"Next to you I am nothing but I'm yours all the same"

Open wide, baby.

Ooh!

"The pleasure you give the pain that you bring

"I'll take it all, Ray for you are my king"

In the village of Great Dunmow,

there's a side of bacon

given every year to the couple

who haven't had a single quarrel.

Well, me and Peggy could've won that bacon every year.

We had every possible qualification.

Apart from not living in Great Dunmow.

Um...

As we gather, uh, today to say goodbye to Peggy...

...let's not... let's not focus on the sadness.

Let's, um...

Let's celebrate a lovely life.

Sorry.

So, uh...

how was it?

It was good.

It was a good turnout.

Oh, nice.

- Fuck! - Colin?

- Lemme see your hands. - I'm fine.

- Come closer. - It's fine.

Okay, we need to...

...get some cold water on them, okay?

It's gonna sting a little.

Fuck!

Try to hold your hands under the water.

Thank you.

Mm.

Hey, um, do you wanna hear a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

Are you gonna eat or do you want me to keep going?

'Cause I've got plenty of pizza jokes here.

- I'm gonna start eating. - I can go all night, baby.

Sleep in the bed.

It's fine, I'm... feeling much better now.

It wasn't a question.

You know I love you, right?

Yeah.

But what...

That's not what this is, Colin.

That's not the point.

Isn't love the whole point?

Of what?

Everything.

Um...

Could I ask you something?

- Mm-hmm. - Uh, it's...

I've been thinking... and, uh... you really, look,

you don't have to say yes, I know it was a...

it was a sort of one-off thing.

But, um...

I was wondering if maybe I could...

sleep in your bed a bit more often?

Not... not all the time, obviously. Um...

But maybe...

once a week?

In fact, maybe, um...

once a week, we could sort of have a...

a day off?

Hmm?

You know, a day where we wake up in bed together,

eat breakfast at the table.

Um...

I don't know...

...play a duet on the piano, that sort of thing.

Not every day, I really...

Ooh, I wouldn't want that. But...

once a week, it could be nice. It could be fun.

For both of us.

No.

No?

No.

Fair enough.

- How about once a month, then? - No.

No?

Have a think.

- Excuse me? - Just have a think about it.

- Colin, if you're not happy... - No, I am happy.

Ray, I'm really happy.

I could just maybe be a bit happier, that's all.

Time for bed.

I'm gonna stay up, finish this chapter.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

Out.

Fuck!

Take off my T-shirt.

Stop scowling.

Take it off.

Raymond...

You look very small-mouthed and old.

What'd you say?

I think you may have heard me. Raymond, please...

- Huh? - Raymond...

Get out!

- Go! - Huh!

Ray! Raymond!

Fancy a wrestle?

Huh?

Fancy a wrestle?

- Do you give? - Stop!

Do you?

Da-da-da...

Colin!

Hey!

Wanker!

Come on.

Have a seat.

Um...

What's... What's this?

Breakfast.

I don't understand.

I thought we could try a day off.

Mm.

So, um...

what would you like to do?

What, today?

Um, what do you wanna do?

No, no, no.

You decide. It's your day off.

Um, well. It, uh...

Yeah, it looks like a nice enough day. We could...

maybe go for a bike somewhere? Maybe?

No biking today.

But I'll pay for this later?

No.

Um...

Do you like, uh...

Thai food?

Uh, sure. Yeah.

'Cause there's, apparently,

there's quite a nice place nearby.

Okay.

Well, this was fun.

What do you wanna do next?

I... dunno.

I'm sorry about the weather, really...

Sing something for me.

- What, here? - Or actually,

teach me how to sing.

Are you serious?

I'm very serious.

Okay.

Da, da, da, da

Da, da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da

Da...

Da, da, da, da

Da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da, da

Are you laughing?

No, it's good! You're very good!

You think you're better than me?

- I didn't say that. - Is that what it is?

Wow. Wow, that hurt.

Uh, you know what?

- What are you doing? - Wait.

Ladies, pardon me...

Come on.

Go ahead.

Um...

Sorry.

Sorry.

Da, da, da, da

Da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da, da

- It's lovely. - Yeah.

Da, da, da, da

Da, da, da, da Da, da, da...

Y... Yes. Yes.

You liked both, I can tell.

Which one do you prefer?

Well, him!

- Him? - Yeah.

Are you serious?

Unbelievable!

I'm sorry about him.

He's...

You've paid off these two fine ladies?

I've never met these ladies, Ray.

Wow.

All right.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

You're cocky now, huh?

- Excuse me! - Oi, dickheads!

You gonna clean those seats?

Mind the popcorn!

- Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop! - Pop-ah!

Not gonna make it!

Go on without me...

Go! I'm done.

Come on!

Come on!

- No. - Up you get!

- No, I'm done. - No, you're not.

I'm done. Leave me!

Leave me...

Yes! Yes!

Ray!

Are you in there? Ray...

Still nothing?

All right?

All right, guys?

How you doing?

He can't have just disappeared off the Earth.

Ray does his own thing.

You know what, it's fine.

- Forget it, forget it. - Colin!

Let's knock it on the head for today, shall we?

Yeah.

We can look somewhere else next weekend. Okay?

Or not.

Up to you.

About me...

I've been told I have an aptitude for devotion.

I'm obedient, hard-working,

and excellent at following instructions.

I'm low maintenance, have a high pain threshold,

and rarely fail to please.

But I'm also very modest,

so this is the only time that

you'll hear me sing my own praises.

Unless you ask.

I won't cut my hair for no one.

And I do require one day off a week.

That's not up for debate.

The rest of the time, your wish is my command.

Nice.

When your world is turned around

Why not smile?

Don't wear a frown, smile

Though your heart is aching

Smile

Even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by if you smile

Through your fear and sorrow

Smile

And maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through

For you

Mate! Make some space!

Darren?

It's Colin.

You're early.

Yeah, sorry.

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear

May be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile

You must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life...

Can you cook?

Yeah. Yeah, I can cook.

What do you fancy?

A smile is still worthwhile

Don your

Smile