Original subtitles

-Hey! -Oh, hey. No CeeCee today?

No, but it's nice when you're disappointed it's just me.

I am always happy to see you.

But happier when I bring your granddaughter.

Well, I'm not gonna lie in church, so yes.

Brought you some canned goods for the food drive.

That is very thoughtful.

Well, you haven't seen the expiration dates.

Mary, did you order the, uh-

Oh, hey there, Mandy. Didn't know we had a celebrity in our midst.

Oh, please, it's just the local news.

Well, let's not forget the biggest celebrity of all. He's here too.

Amen to that.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

I don't know if Mary told you about the church carnival we have comin' up?

It's a pretty big deal. Some might even call it newsworthy.

Oh, well, me and Georgie will try to stop by.

Oh, I think what Pastor Jeff is tryin' to say is that

it could be really helpful if you were to run it by your bosses?

Please, put it on the news!

That.

All the money goes to charity, and we could really use the publicity.

W-Well, we do cover that sorta thing. So, I'll check.

And if you do, maybe you could wear somethin' a little more modest than usual?

Don't blow this.

Well, sometimes she shows too much bosom.

If her boss is okay with it, we should be too.

What about our boss?

Jesus hung out with prostitutes. He's fine.

It's a win-win.

Church gets some publicity for their charity thing, and I get extra airtime.

So, you'll cover the Baptist Church but not the Catholic Church?

Hey, I would cover a cult if it got me on TV more.

Well then, you're off to a good start.

Oh, church carnival's actually pretty fun.

There's some booths and games. Pastor Jeff in a dunk tank.

You know, I had my first kiss at a church carnival kissing booth.

You paid for your first kiss? That's sad.

It was a thing people did. It wasn't weird.

Yeah, she was my Sunday school teacher.

Okay, it was weird.

Maybe the shop should sponsor a booth. I mean a game, not a creepy one like his.

His was a game. Herpes roulette.

I'm thinkin' like, "Throw a football through a tire and win a free oil change."

You sure? This is Texas, a lot of people can throw a football.

-I can't. -No, son, you really can't.

-I can teach him. -No, son, you really can't.

-So, what you think? -It's a great idea.

-Really? -Yeah.

Advertising, build some goodwill with the community.

You don't usually agree with me.

Well, you don't usually have good ideas.

Are you messin' with me?

No. I think this is smart.

Are you doin' reverse psychology?

No. Are you doing reverse psychology?

I don't think so.

So, what's happening? Are we doing the booth or not?

I'm not sure anymore.

Okay, so they're gonna go live to us in about twenty minutes.

Just keep it casual and look at me, not the camera.

You don't need to explain it to me. I'm also in the news business.

The good news business.

Funny.

I got more like that.

Can't wait. So, uh, any questions?

Yes. Does that blouse have one more button, or is that all the way up?

You're blowin' it again.

Pretty as a picture.

You know, you're lookin' a little shiny, do you want me to powder you?

I have my own makeup, thank you.

Damn it.

Church carnival. "Dang its" only please.

Hey, how's it goin'?

Great, no winners so far, but I'm handin' out a lot of business cards.

I guess everyone can't throw a football.

I rigged it.

The ball's extra heavy and the tire's extra small.

You're cheatin' at a church carnival? How are you your mother's son?

I think it skips a generation.

Oh, also,

what if when you're interviewin' Pastor Jeff, our booth is in the background?

So, Mandy McAllister is standing in front of the McAllister Tire booth?

Yeah. And maybe take it down a button.

Okay, you and your mother need to think less about my cleavage.

The pet python was finally found in the bathroom at the local park.

So, just remember, look before you leak.

And if you're looking for something fun to do with the family this weekend,

our very own Mandy McAllister has a suggestion. Mandy?

Thank you, Kimberly.

So, I'm here with Pastor Jeff Difford at the First Baptist Church Carnival,

where the funnel cakes are hot, the booths are hoppin',

and all the money goes to charity.

Pastor Jeff, give us the details.

Well, the devil's in the details, but I'll give you the scoop.

Just a little church humor.

You did warn me.

We'll be out here all weekend, raisin' money for the food bank.

It's gonna be full of good ol' fashioned wholesome fun.

Y-- Sack races, egg toss,

you might even get a chance to sink yours truly in the dunk tank.

Well, that is tempting.

And it's gonna be a beautiful day for it.

I've predicted sunny skies all through Monday.

-Guess we've got Him to thank for that. -Yeah. Or Her.

-Oh, I, I meant God. -N-- I know. So did I.

-The God's a man. -Could be a woman.

"Our Father who art in heaven." Sounds like a man.

Fair point. Although, "Created all life," sounds like a woman.

-Well, He's not. -I'm just sayin', we don't know.

You may not, but I do.

Well, one thing we can agree on, the carnival's open from noon till nine,

Saturday and Sunday, so come on down.

For Channel Seven, I'm Mandy McAllister.

He's a man.

And we're clear.

Okay, well, that was fun.

What?

Look, I know your mom's upset,

but other than her and Pastor Jeff, I promise no one cares.

So, God's a woman?

See?

-Come on. It's not that big a deal. -It is a huge deal.

Dad, you get I didn't say anything bad?

-Still shouldn't have said it. -Oh, my God!

Maybe cool it with the G word for a while.

It's not like I said, "God doesn't exist." Because I think "She" does.

Not funny. I have to live in this town. I have a hair appointment tomorrow.

That is three hours of dirty looks and "Bless your hearts."

You're overreacting.

There's three things you don't talk about in Texas, religion, politics, and money.

-What about sex? -Four things.

Well, maybe it's time we start talkin' about them.

Bless your heart.

Yeah.

Well, I can assure you her views do not reflect those of the station,

and we will take care of it.

I don't think we stone people anymore.

Thanks for calling. Goodbye, Reverend.

Let me guess, another fan?

It's not a joke. Folks are really upset. Listen.

Tell that blasphemin' bimbo she can do her next weather report from hell.

Well, that's silly, it's gonna be hot there.

Maybe we should pull you off the schedule for a while, let everybody cool down.

No, no, no, don't take me off the air. I can fix this. I'll just apologize.

-Really? -Yeah. Why are you surprised?

As long as I've known you, I've never heard you apologize for anything.

And I am so sorry for th-- I heard it. I'll practice.

And before we go to commercial, our Channel Seven weather girl,

Mandy McAllister has a special message for our audience.

-Mandy. -Thanks, Kimberly.

I just wanted to address some comments I made on-air yesterday.

I meant no disrespect, but I understand if some of you are offended.

So, from the bottom of my heart,

I'm sorry, you took it the wrong way.

Personally, I thought it was a compliment.

I think women are great, and God would be so lucky to be one.

But this is Texas, so, I should've kept my mouth shut.

Back to you, Kimberly.

Okey dokey. And while we go to commercial, how about we all pray for Mandy?

Suspended. Can you believe it?

Oh, I got suspended a ton of times. It ain't bad.

Sit at home, watch TV, hit your dad's liquor cabinet.

Okay, this isn't high school, Georgie. I could lose my job.

You ain't gonna lose nothin'. You just gotta let this blow over.

Somebody will grow the world's biggest pumpkin, and they'll forget all about you.

I really don't think so.

You see how huge some of them pumpkins get? You could live in 'em.

Do you think what I said was so wrong?

I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it.

-Why would you? You're a man. -Hey, if God's a woman, I'm cool with it.

-You really feel that way? -Yeah.

Wow. I wish everybody was as open-minded as you.

I mean, if you think about it, plagues, floods...

that kinda temper sounds like a woman to me.

I bet that's the look God gives right before she smites folks.

-Hey. -Hey, honey. Everything okay?

Not really. Mandy got suspended.

I heard. I'm sorry.

-Are you? -Of course.

She is my daughter-in-law, and I love her.

But... she said what she said.

Then she tried to undo what she said, and she said more.

She was only at that carnival cause' y'all asked.

I didn't ask her to mock God.

She said she's sorry.

"That I took it the wrong way." I heard.

That ain't what she meant.

Georgie, what do you want me to do? I can't help that people are mad.

Maybe Pastor Jeff can say somethin' in the sermon?

You know, "Love the sinner," "Judge not lest you be judged,"

"Give Mandy a break, 'cause her husband's drowning in debt."

I will talk to him, but he is mighty peeved.

Yeah, but he listens to you. So, you can de-peeve him.

"De-peeve him"?

"Unpeeve him"?

No! It's de-peeve.

-Whatcha readin'? -Another batch of hate mail.

Joke's on you, "Satan Barbie" sounds cool.

-May I? -Oh, yeah. Knock yourself out.

So the bad ones go here, and the really bad ones go here...

-What's that pile? -You don't wanna know.

I thought at least one person would be on my side.

Now, hold on. I think this one...

No. Yeah, no.

-Hey. Where you been? -Church.

Congratulations, you knocked a pregnant teenager off the top of the prayer list.

Someone's the belle of the ball.

Why were you at church?

Well, I was hopin' I could get Pastor Jeff to say somethin' in his sermon

to calm everyone down.

-Is he gonna? -He will.

Oh, great.

If you sit down with him on-air and publicly apologize.

Oh, no. I will not be extorted.

Okay, well, I tried.

I'll do it. I'll do it. Hey, hey! I'll do it!

Shouldn't you be workin'?

On what? Barely had any customers since your wife made God mad.

There's a car up on the lift.

Yeah, mine. Figure I change the shocks on what may be my new home.

She's gonna fix this and everything'll go back to normal.

Doesn't help that her name is on the store.

So, we'll change the name to Cooper.

Why not Alvarez?

Cooper's got two Os. We can make 'em look like tires.

I wanna argue with that, but it's good.

-Thought Mandy threw those letters away? -She did.

-You took 'em outta the trash? -I tried not to.

I failed.

What is wrong with people?

They don't have to agree with her, but there's no reason to tear her apart.

Y'know, we got one of them AOL discs in the mail the other day.

What about it?

I have a feeling this whole World Wide Web thing's gonna bring us all together.

Make people kind.

Can't happen soon enough.

People all over the world talkin' to each other. I don't see the downside.

-Hey. -Hey.

You're not readin' more of them letters, are you?

Well, my mom found this one in the pile. It's from a little girl.

They can be mean. Don't take it personal.

No, she thanked me for what I said. She called me an inspiration.

She didn't spell it right, but it still counts.

'I. N. S. P. I. R. A. T. I. O. N.'

Yes.

Take that, Sheldon.

Anyway, it got me thinkin' about CeeCee, and the kind of example I'm settin'.

What do you mean?

Well, bein' a hypocrite just to keep my job.

Everybody does that.

Besides, she's gonna grow up with the famous news lady for a mom.

-That's a good example. -Yeah, I guess.

Oh, come on! Great job, beautiful kid, young trophy husband.

You've got it all.

Trophy husband, huh?

You've seen me with my shirt off.

Pastor Jeff, thank you again for doing this.

Happy to be an example of Christian forgiveness.

-Get that all out now. -Just stretching my eyes.

Okay, we're back in five, four...

Hi, Mandy McAllister again. Don't change the channel!

I know I upset a lot of people,

and I realize that instead of talking more, I should listen.

Which is why I have Pastor Jeff from First Baptists here with me.

Can I just say,

I am so sorry that I offended you.

Thank you. And I understand you been gettin' a lot of hate mail,

so I would like to remind my Christian Community,

that is not how Jesus teaches us to behave.

We don't write nasty letters about our neighbors.

We write them about The Simpsons.

And thanks to our campaign, we're gonna off the air.

Why's she staring like that?

I think she's tryin' not to roll her eyes.

Well, I'm so glad we could put this behind us.

I think what ruffled the feathers of my flock was that

your comment seemed disrespectful of God.

We good?

And frankly, a little ignorant of the scripture.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only son." A--

You know what? I can't do this.

Sure you can! Keep goin'.

I didn't mean to offend you, and I am sorry for that,

but I'm not sorry for what I said.

I don't want my daughter or any other little girl

thinking that they need to apologize for having an opinion.

So, if that's what it takes for me to keep this job, then

I quit.

What did she do?

What did I do?