Original subtitles

♪ Fresh out the shower, I got my razer out ♪

♪ Body spray and mouthwash, smelling good, not bad ♪

♪ Took out the T-tops, the winds blowing my hair ♪

♪ Got a call from JoJo and all them girls are there ♪

♪ Step into the club ♪

♪ Bottles spinnin' around, everybody gettin' down ♪

♪ JoJo brought that stuff ♪

♪ Yeah, hit that chick, the one with the ♪

♪ Googles on the front ♪

♪ There's a lot of girls ♪

♪ Kickin' for the man ♪

♪ Got me a girl, take her around the world ♪

Fuck!

Helping the world stay apart together.

Alicorn, distancing socially.

Of course.

Mm.

Hey, I gotta go, okay?

Hello.

How are you?

That's great.

I'm DJ Satur8

and I will be live streamin' new music

that will tickle your ears.

Hold your hands

and make love to your hearts

as we

sequester together.

This ain't even mine.

Oh, fuck.

Ugh, I don't care-- hey, hold on one second.

I don't care.

Look, I am not replacing uh, uh, another toilet seat

this entire pandemic.

So clean it-- clean it up.

Do not have kids ever.

It's never ideal.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, I'll keep that in mind.

What in the fuck?

Carol texted me the other night, I think I forgot to respond.

Is she alright?

She good, you good, the kids good?

Oh yeah, they're great, Carol's great,

everyone is great.

You know, what's not great is my ass.

If one of my children paints a ninja

or a princess

or a Power Dino Ranger Monkey

with markers on my toilet seat one more time, I'm not--

I swear to God, I hate the Internet.

It's just-- it's just prank videos

teaching children how to destroy their parents!

Do not take the Lord's name in vain!

I was praying!

It sounds like your lockdown is goin' pretty rough.

Rough.

I've got the ugliest princess

flyin' out of my asshole right now.

And that's enough cursing out of you.

I am--

I'm expressing with emotion, dear.

I always cuss when I express with emotion.

Enough about my fantastic life.

How are you doing?

How's your dad?

Um, fine I guess.

I don't really know.

We haven't really had a lot of time to connect lately

and uh, it's-- it's tough to see him you know, like that.

But forget it.

The-- the script.

I sent you the script.

Did you get it?

Yes.

Great.

I didn't understand any of it.

You didn't understand any of it.

I find that hard to believe.

Well, for starters,

it's supposed to be a World War I epic

and you've turned it into a romantic comedy

that takes place over Zoom.

Is this because I made it diverse?

Okay, you have a time-traveling Douglas MacArthur

that you've also turned into a female character.

And?

Look, your argument is not with me.

I am for it!

I am.

Okay, well, if you're for it, then I ask you once again

what's wrong with that

Women don't look hot with corn cob pipes.

I mean that's one.

Ugh, that is such bullshit, Noel, and you know that.

Ah, that wasn't me.

That was Ben Smut.

Look, I'm on your side.

I'm just a mess.

No, you're not, Noel, you're the producer.

Yeah, and I won't be if I send them this script.

Okay.

I'm gonna go out on a limb.

You know what? I might be wrong.

Anna left.

Alright.

Which-- that sucks.

I get it.

I can't believe you would bring up Anna.

What in the fuck does this have to do with Anna?

This isn't about Anna, this is about progress.

Did you actually moved on? Yes, that is probably.

I have actually moved on,

I'm sort of interested in someone else.

What?

Are you holding GD the F--

What? Who is it?

No, no, I'm not--

Tell me.

No.

Cut it.

Get your fucking down.

Tell it, say it, who is it?

Katie!

It's Katie.

What?

That's funny?

It is hilarious.

I say you have effin' got a shot!

Oh, you do.

You do, because your response with your ridiculous laugh

kind of-- kind of makes that response

feel effing contrived.

Okay, potty mouth.

Hey, um,

I am just saying you should call her

What the H?

Okay, is this a pep talk?

It's a pandemic pep talk.

It's not good.

Oh, f--- fu-- k-- k-- k-- k-- k-- k-- k.

What?

Andy's calling.

Andy st-- And-- studio Andy is calling?

Yes, the one who has financed the entire GD effin' movie.

Andy.

Okay, this is okay.

This is good.

Look, this is good.

We can-- I'm gonna-- I'm merging calls.

Don't say anything about the script.

Yeah, say something about the script.

Noel, he's gonna ask about the script.

I'm gonna say something about the script.

I will do it. You, let me talk.

-I will talk. -Fine.

-I will talk. -Fine.

Hey, Andy!

I was about to call you, man.

Okay, cut this shit, Noel.

When is my script gonna be finished?

Uh, that's great.

Uh, I don't know if you noticed

that Ben is on this call as well.

Did you no-- hey, say hello, Ben.

Hi, Andy. How're you doin'?

You know, I would actually be doing a hell of a lot better,

Ben, if I knew when my script was gonna be done.

It's been three months.

Yes, that-- that's correct and to be fair uh, you know,

three months for a script is-- is a pretty quick turnaround.

It was a quick turnaround when we all had lives to lead.

Now, we don't, right?

We're all just at home.

Right? Time is irrelevant.

Yeah, well, about that--

Do you guys get your groceries delivered?

I get mine delivered right?

And every time I say, "Green avocados, please. Green."

-Definitely, yeah. -Go green.

Every time what do I get?

I get brown avocados, ripe.

Can't cook with ripe avocados.

I'm learning how to cook.

It's unbelievable.

Uh, you know, it's uh--

Okay, alright, I'm sorry-- sorry about that.

Ev-- it's--

Alright, this thing gets to us at times.

Okay, look, it's tough for everybody,

I understand that.

I understand that, so in light of that,

today, I am gonna be your pal Andy, okay?

I'm not gonna be asshole Andy, I'll be your pal Andy, alright?

But asshole Andy needs a script,

so your pal Andy is asking, "Ben, are we close?"

Um--

It's just a little-- a little polishing, yeah.

Hmm, few-- few minor tweaks.

Yes, that's all it needs.

A couple revisions.

Uh, little-- little things.

Not a complete overhaul.

Nothing major.

Okay, alright, polishing. Polishing.

Who said pol-- one of you guys said "polishing".

That means there's a draft, right?

That's all I need.

I just need a draft to see where we are, so...

Yikes.

Look, uh Andy um,

if we could just get a couple of more weeks,

I've been giving Ben some really stiff notes.

No, shut up, please.

Just please.

Ben, you tell me straight.

Andy, here's the thing.

I think

what this film needs is a love story

over Zoom and...

I think what the studio is asking is,

to be frank, a little sexist

and a little white.

Okay, let me-- let me--

Let me just get this clear just so-- so I understand.

You-- you wanna take my epic war movie--

Hmm.

And using Zoom,

turn it into a white sexist quarantine love story?

Yes.

No, wait, no, what?

And Noel is this how you feel, too?

You know what I think?

I think it's a little ironic and funny

that three white men

are having this conversation right now.

Uh, but I'm thinking uh, that uh, honestly,

that uh, there's some truth to what Ben is saying.

You know what?

I really thought you guys were the right team

for this movie.

I'll call you back.

Okay.

That could have been worse.

You know what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go find

uh, the weed I have left assuming

that my wife hasn't found it and thrown it away.

Then I'm going to Google the nearest soup kitchen.

Okay, that sounds a little dramatic.

Yeah, well unemployment is dramatic.

It's very dramatic.

Yeah, well, also he hasn't fired us yet.

Have you considered that?

So you know?

We did do the right thing.

Yeah.

I mean if history has taught us anything

it's that people who do the right thing

don't end up on the gallows.

Alright, well, I-- look, I'll send him the script right?

Let's just have him read it.

What if he changes his mind?

I think it's worth a shot.

Let him get his eyes on it.

Sure.

Go ahead.

Uh, go for it.

I'm gonna go.

Uh, I-- I mean I think I heard one of my kids

destroying something expensive

I will now not be able to replace.

Then, we'll talk later.

I hope you know what you're doin', asswipe.

Everyone is talking

about what they're doing in lockdown

and I'm just like, "Who the fuck cares?"

I wanna think about what we're going to do

when this is all over, right?

Like I miss going to like Elton John concerts.

I've never actually been to an Elton John concert,

but like I miss the feeling of feeling

like I'm missing out on something.

You know, what else I miss?

Monogamy.

Because like then at least, you're not having sex

because you don't want to.

Hey, do you know how many things had to happen exactly right

for us to admit?

Do you?

I mean if one thing had been different,

we could have spent the rest of our lives

Never knowing--

The other--

Existed.

Why?

Like why would you send that in?

Hey, it's over.

I know Tom is having an affair.

I'm good, thanks.

How are you?

So great.

Are we still talkin' about this?

I thought you already knew that Tom was having an affair.

Now I know that I know and I'm right about what I know.

And what do you know?

That Tom is having an affair.

I meant why do you think that?

Because he's-- he's bein' weird.

Well, then you have all the evidence you need.

He got fired, we can't pay our bills,

he won't let me call my dad to help us,

he refuses to even consider New York as an alternative,

and every time I bring it up, he gets this--

This weird distant look in his eyes.

I'm-- I'm sorry, Ella.

I'm-- I'm just makin' this all about me.

Okay, listen, Chloe,

we both know I'm not gonna sit here

and give you the sugar-coated reach-around

about how it's all gonna be fine.

like 7 out of 10 marriages end in divorce.

This is helping.

I'm so glad I called.

I think you might be overreacting.

How?

You have a hunch, that's all.

So you don't think he's cheating on me?

Has he told you the big lie yet?

The big lie?

I've caught him in a few lies here and there, but--

No, no, I'm not talkin' about the little white lies.

I'm I'm not even talkin' about the inconsistencies.

I'm talkin' about the lie.

The lie that just doesn't add up,

it just comes out of left field.

Like what?

I don't know.

You'll know it when you hear it.

It'll be one of those things that changes the dynamic.

Something that probably makes you feel shitty

about being suspicious

while he buys some more time to figure shit out.

That's the big lie.

And when that happens, then you know for sure.

Well, that hasn't happened yet.

Is that what happened with you and Nick?

Nick was the big lie, the entire relationship.

But if that hasn't happened with you and Tom,

then who knows?

Maybe it will work out.

And for you, I really hope it does, Chloe.

I should let you get back to work.

Romantic comedies don't cast themselves.

Yeah, not the shitty ones.

I am feeling an exceptional amount of angst.

Exceptional amount.

That's why I'm walking,

getting exercise or whatever you guys do.

This is just so ugh!

Movin' around.

I wanna talk about something else, too,

that's related and also really annoying,

which is the fact that um, isolation has

just about killed dating.

Just fuckin' beheaded that bitch,

get her a true crime podcast, 'cause she dead,

and I used to just be able to go have sex with strangers,

and drink at some shitty bar or whatever,

not necessarily in that order, but now I'm just swiping,

starting up long-distance romances

with people who are literally like in the next suburb over.

It's kinda disgusting and hilarious.

Like what the actual fuck are we doing?

Full disclosure, I'm currently in two--

Count 'em two, isolationships, as we speak, not to brag.

And yeah, you know,

I don't know if you guys know this,

but that shit goes from zero to a 100 in intensity

like that.

I know what you're thinking.

If I'm so horny, why don't I just watch porn?

Uh, I do and yes, I watch Asian porn, okay?

Or as I call it "porn".

What are we talking about?

Oh, yeah.

So to answer the main question, "Are isolationships legit?"

I think my answer is maybe.

The positive and the negative of it is

you really have to get to know each other

before you head to bone town.

That's--

That's true, right?

'Cause what do you have-- what are you gonna do

other than just like talk about your feelings.

Really get it-- I wanna know

how your dead grandma makes you feel, you know?

Okay, this is-- it's getting weird.

I should stop.

Alright, Mi Cha out.

My apologies, fellow hunker-downers.

We were experiencing some technical difficulties,

but thanks to a mythical creature

named "Love Bunny", we have been restored.

So sit back, relax,

and let us once again pacify your quarantine anxieties.

This next segment I love to call

"secret fornicator".

♪ Well, my nights you know, I like them less than lonely ♪

♪ In love and war, all's fair to score ♪

♪ You gotta play ♪

♪ And darling, you may want to be my one and only ♪

♪ But your everything is quite a price to pay ♪

Hey.

Hey you.

Oh.

Oh-oh.

Hmm.

Are you in the guest bedroom?

No.

I-- I can clearly see you hiding.

I disagree.

Why are you whispering?

I just like the way it sounds.

Okay.

Well, kids are givin' you a hard time?

No, why-- why-- why would you say that?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because you're hiding like a troll

in the guest bedroom with a full glass of wine

in the middle of the day.

Incorrect.

This is actually apple juice.

Hmm, really?

Yeah, well, because number one, I don't drink

while I'm watching our children.

And B, they are in the kitchen, where the wine is.

Got it.

Don't tease me.

How's the writing coming along?

Mm, so good.

I actually just finished one.

Yeah?

Yes, right after I stopped our son

from peeing over the balcony

and into the neighbor's succulent garden.

No.

No, that didn't happen.

Stop.

Oh, that happened.

Oh.

Full day over here.

Yeah.

I know it's tough, though.

But never mind.

What uh, what's going on with you?

How are you?

You know, tired.

Mm.

Lonely without you.

Mm.

Is lonely a code for horny?

Yes.

1000%, yes.

Wait, why aren't you at the hospital?

I thought you had to work today.

Um, yeah, I-- I've just finished up a 36-hour shift.

And I'm sitting here complaining

about how I can't control our 4-year-old.

And you're basically raising our kids without me.

No.

Yeah.

I mean what we've been here for three months,

we've been apart for the last two.

For better or worse, right?

And you are a fucking hero, by the way.

Damn, I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss the little things, too, you know?

Like the movies and dinner.

Well, let's do it.

How are we gonna do that?

There's one thing this mom can do.

It is get our kids to bed incredibly fucking early.

Oh, is that so?

And how early are we talkin'?

Oh, you know, like before sunset early.

Oh, I like a woman with skills.

I like where this is headed.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh shit!

What?

Oh, my brother is calling.

Yay.

Brace yourself.

Hey, Jodi, what can I do for you?

Lexi.

Lexi, I have a very serious question for you.

What's up, Nonny?

Hey, Jodi.

Uh, this isn't really a good time, you know?

Why not?

Is that your question?

No, I have bigger fish to fry.

God, I hate that expression.

Hmm.

Lexi, Nonny, brace yourselves.

For what?

I have figured out the space-time continuum.

Didn't Einstein already do that?

Well, yeah, but I mean I figured out the next part.

See, there's all these like dimensions

and like transcendental highways,

like Bill and Ted kinda sorta--

You know what?

It's kinda complicated to explain.

Mm, I mean I am a doctor.

Yeah, but I mean you ain't a scientist.

Neither are you, Jodi.

Semantics.

To get back to my original point--

Yes, what is the point, Jodi?

I figured out a way to time travel

How do we share the same DNA?

I know.

I know that it sounds crazy,

But see, this next part's gonna tie it all together for you.

All I need is this special tool,

which brings me to my original question.

You bein' in New York City where shit is,

can you get me...

...a flux capacitor?

What?

Okay, you know what?

I'ma bring Glen in on this, he can explain everything.

Oh, it's so good.

Maybe it'll work.

Of course, it works.

It's a time machine.

Jodi, what's up?

Glen, you handsome son of a bitch.

Oh, what?

We got a whole group goin' on here.

Lexi, is that you?

Hey, Glen.

Hey, you still sein' that cute mix chick or what?

Yep, that's-- that's me.

Uh, the other person

and the only mixed chick on the call with you.

Holy shit, I didn't-- there you are.

Hey, how you doin'?

Glen focus.

Now, I'm tryin' to explain to them

the importance of the flux capacitor,

but they just ain't getting it.

So could you just please do some explainin'

like you done to me?

Honestly, it's pretty simple guys.

Alright uh, we need a flex capacitor,

because it only takes 1.21 gigawatts

of electrical power to operate,

which can easily be done

by using a compact weapons-grade plutonium-239

nuclear fission reactor, Okay?

When the energy pulses through the flex capacitor,

it creates a massive flow of energy,

which does two things.

One, it turns positive energy into negative energy.

And two, it opens up a wormhole that's accessible

at 88 miles an hour.

I know I don't have to tell you guys

what I just explained,

but basically, a flex capacitor makes time travel possible.

Wow.

So is there gonna be a DeLorean on standby?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means your buddy here just explained

how the time machine works in the movie Back to the Future.

Yeah, no fucking shit, it's a cinematic masterpiece!

That-- that was from a movie?

But is the flux capacitor a real thing?

I can't even believe you asked me

that goddamn question.

You've never seen Back to the Future?

What have we been talkin' about the whole time?

I've never even heard of Back to the Future!

Oh my God.

I mean I don't come here, guys,

bringing information to-- that can change the world

to just be snuffed at like-- like-- like-- like--

Like-- like-- like I'm a joke.

But I mean it's not real?

You're tellin' me it's not real?

You're tellin' me I imagined the entire thing?

I never saw the movie!

The-- the capac fusion capac-- I don't--

this is really hard to explain.

It's not a real thing!

Why the hell do you think that'd work, Glen?

B--

Because it worked in the movie!

Damn.

Uh-- ugh.

You got a Redbox?

Go to a Redbox.

I'm sorry.

Obviously, all fiction is based in some sort of reality.

You are correct on that, Glen.

Thank you and I appreciate you acknowledging that.

God, my phone's about to die.

Let me get my charger and I'll be right--

Awesome.

I-- I-- I feel like we're near the end of this interaction

and um, I feel so awkward, 'cause I--

I don't know what to say.

You can just go now.

I think we've made this sufficiently strange

for my sister.

Jodi, I mean-- but--

I--

You'll let me know about the flex capacitor, though, right?

It's not a real thing, Glen.

There is no capacitor.

It--

Don't get upset.

God dammit!

I-- I do wanna apologize for some of my actions

and how they came across, because I do love you

as-- as a friend.

I mean we're gonna try it, right,

because we-- we believe and--

I love you, too, uh, as a-- as a friend.

Well, of course, we're gonna try.

Yes, I fucking love it!

And you tell those other fuck um--

Glen.

Sorry, Lexi, I didn't-- I didn't know you were still on,

but-- but it was good to see you.

Somethin' like that.

Bye, guys.

Sorry, I ruined your call.

It's just Glen, and me, and the band.

You know how it is?

It's like we broke up after we did

that complete tribute album of Toad the Wet Sprocket,

'cause you know, he wanted to throw

Hey, Jealousy in the play mix

and I just like, "That's not a Toad song."

No, that's alright.

How's mama doing?

She's good.

I got her a new Rascal.

You know, the things they ride around at Kroger.

She's just been puttin' around everywhere

on that thing.

She's still mad at you for moving to New York City, though.

But you know mama.

Hell, she ain't mad about somethin',

she ain't happy.

I know that's true.

You tell her I love her?

You know I will.

I miss you.

Hey, I miss you, too.

Alright, I'm gonna get.

I'll see you later, peanut.

Alright, bye.

Are you still there?

Yes, I'm still here.

Okay, so are you gonna answer my question?

What the fuck do you think?

What is that supposed to mean?

I don't know what that means.

It means exactly what you think it means!

What the fuck do you think it means?

I don't know.

I need you to fucking tell me.

Fuck!

You left your email signed in on my computer,

you dumb fuck!

You fucked Suzy Gumenik, idiot!

So fucking pressure me for an answer.

Like you don't have the patience--

If you fucking listen one fucking time.

To wait for me to consider

whether or not I wanna spent another second

with a piece of shit like you!

drunk.

And don't act like you didn't fuck Chris Roolin

at the fucking New Year's Eve party.

So what if I did? So what if I did?

It was after we were separated and way after you fucked Suzy.

So you're one to talk!

So we both fucked up!

And the thing that pisses me off the most is,

you had the gall to fucking act like I was a crazy bitch

when you were the one who was already acting suspicious

and I was right all along!

Okay, so what?

Are we just-- we're just done now?

Yeah, we were done a long time ago.

That one felt really good.

I would never wanna divorce you.

Um, when's your audition again?

Tomorrow.

You're gonna nail it, dude.

No, no, this dialogue, though.

I feel like everybody's tryin' to be the marriage story now.

Actually, are you sure you wanna be the black dude

who cheats?

It just seems so cliché.

I'm runnin' out of options.

I'm sorry.

Uh, it's not funny.

So how is the music?

Oh, stop.

That's not funny.

No. I'm just-- I'm-- I'm asking trying to shift.

Uh, I'm blocked up, dude, I can't write shit.

Oh, well, you know what you should do?

You should just get unblocked.

Oh, well, thank you for the pro tip, sir.

How's your mom?

Um, she is actually I d-- um, I actually don't know.

I'm not gonna lie.

Wouldn't have been your dad's birthday this week?

And that is my cue.

Dude, just call her

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

Come on.

Bye, Anna.

Hey, things are weird out there right now.

Am I right?

Miss your mom, your dad, boyfriend girlfriend.

That's cool.

No shame in it.

Everything's gonna be alright, alright, alright.

That's why I'm here.

Look at these guys.

Hmm, I bet you're wonderin' if I can fly.

I can't.

Because Matthew McAlicorn says "you deserve wings".

Virtually, of course.

♪ Da, da, da ♪

Yes.

♪ Da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, dooba ♪

An acquaintance once told me that the difference

between a epidemic and a pandemic

is that a pandemic has a passport.

It made me laugh at first.

It is less funny to me now.

♪ Da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, dooba ♪

But it did inspire me to play somethin' new

as I thought about our

unendin' aptitude to transcend as a species.

I intend to just press play and listen with you all,

so that my soul and my sense is made to be scintillate.

Stay inspired, my friends.

♪ Oh, what a waste of ♪

♪ All that time ♪

I signed off like three hours ago.

You can't possibly have something

to bitch about already.

I have so much to bitch about,

but I think I'll leave that to you

for the both of us.

Ooh, how was your uh, audition today?

It was fine.

Oh, no, what am I saying?

It was absolutely fucking awful, but my next one will be better.

Is that-- you drinking whiskey?

No, I am pouring whiskey.

Now, I'm drinking whiskey.

It's like 2:00 p.m.

I'm sorry.

Do you not also live on this Earth

where sex has become obsolete

and time no longer has any meaning

or is that just me?

Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna punish my liver

for the sins of Trump's--

No need to finish that sentence.

This is whiskey, not bitch juice or whatever.

I remember last time we went out drinking together,

uh, I returned home to my bedroom doing 180s

and then you had mild indigestion

from all the sugar inside of your hard lemonade.

It tastes better.

How is Melanie?

What's her name?

Huh?

Hmm, done.

Nada, it's over.

Already?

She was cute.

She was very cute.

She also had my face printed onto one of her pillows

by our second date.

Yikes.

Luckily, quarantine swooped in

and saved me from that shit show.

Well, you will find someone else.

That's what I'm supposed to say, right?

Maybe, I don't know.

I definitely don't think I'm ready

for one of your isolationships.

Sure you are.

All you hopeless romantics are cocked and loaded.

That sounded very sexual.

It was.

I don't know.

I-- what Grace and I had was real, you know?

I'm sorta just waiting for that spark again.

A spark?

Ooh, what is this?

A Ken Kwapis movie?

You and Grace broke up like months ago.

Time to get over it, Paul.

In a love connection, I mean that's a nice thought,

uh, but this is the real world.

You should be using this as an opportunity

to use your way back into the dating world.

Maybe you're right.

Of course, I'm right.

Ooh, but before you do that, make sure you brush up

on Mi Cha's quick tips for millennialships

on the blog.

Actually, last Thursday's article

you'd find very interesting.

Is that that's the one where you talk about

how to talk your girlfriend into a threesome?

So you do read the blog.

Okay.

I don't see how that helps me at this stage.

You gotta lay down the table early,

you know, make sure they're open-minded.

That is terrible advice.

No.

Can you remind me how many threesomes

that you've actually had?

Okay, this is not about me, alright?

And I don't need a third to eat box

if I like the box.

Alright, I-- I will make a mental note

of your suggestion.

Well, I should-- I should go.

You know, the two isolationships that I mentioned,

I have to have a very unsavory conversation

with number two.

Leaving me already,

this is terrible for my self-esteem.

Which-- which one is number two?

The one that's trying to use last Thursday's article

to talk me into a three-way.

That is a fascinating coincidence.

Wow!

Relax, Judge Judy.

This is a three-way with his step-sister.

Oh God, that is fucked!

I don't know, I'm pretty into it, okay?

But you have to draw the line somewhere.

And this is where you draw your line?

I have a lot of lines, Paul, and I draw them often.

In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna draw one right now.

See?

That's it. It's right here?

Right here.

This is the line?

Alright, well, later.

♪ So I can answer to myself ♪

Oh, hell, I don't know about this, Peggy.

Do you see?

Yeah, I look old.

Oh, God.

I tell you I don't think I look like that in person.

Well, now, what is that supposed to mean?

What?

No, no, I think that the pink shirt,

I think it brings out the blue in my eyes.

I really do.

Well, yes, it does--

No, it does not wash me out.

I don't even know what that means.

No, but we will have to agree to disagree

on this one, sweetie.

Yeah, 'cause I am no way changin' this shirt.

Whoa?

Oh, hell.

Oh, damn, that is good.

Oh, look at that, Peggy.

Look at your man.

Oh, goofy, you were right.

I apologize, that's on me.

Good for me, yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.

Mm.

Okay.

Hmm.

Well, damn it.

That is the fourth time this week, huh?

Well, yes, of course, I'm gonna keep trying.

Damn, what has gotten to you today?

What-- that-- be-- because I don't know what that does?

Yes.

No, it-- uh, no, I wish I still had my old keyboard,

I could just type.

That took me so fuckin' long to learn

now I gotta hit buttons everywhere

and that doesn't tell me anything!

What?

What do you mean I-- I need support?

I-- I tell you now you're just being mean.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do it.

No, I am not.

Oh, fine, you win as usual.

Okay.

Uh, and now we got a unicorn.

Thank you for contacting Alicorn--

Marcus, will you please tell Jodi

that he's bein' a real prick right now?

I said, "Don't call me a 'prick'".

Jodi!

What do you want me to call somebody

who changes shirts throughout the day?

What? Are you hosting the Oscars?

I didn't change shirts.

I took off my vest, 'cause I didn't wanna rip it up!

You know what?

You wanna take-- you wanna take stuff?

I'll take stuff off.

I'm-- we're all taking it off now.

It's comin' off!

Look at the peacock go!

Yup.

Look at the peacock go!

Yup.

Yeah.

Jodi, Glen!

You cannot call me at work with this-- whatever this is.

Oh, do you mean solving the space-time continuum?

Oh, we-- we're so sorry we bothered you at work

with this time-sensitive material.

We're just over here tryin' to save the world

Oh.

And we didn't call you at work,

we called the Alicorn support line

hoping you could support us with our problem.

Yeah, you called the technical support line

for people who need actual help with the actual platform.

Well, we technically need your help

and we might also need your support financially.

I haven't got no money.

Because apparently, flux capacitors

are not a real thing and this strikes me

as it's going to be quite expensive to find.

Yes, they are real

and I keep trying to tell you that,

but you're too busy hangin' posters of yourself

from your mantle.

Glen, for the argument's sake, let's say they are real.

If they are it's not like we can go pick 'em up

at the tractor supply in the plutonium aisle, you dumbass.

Oh-oh.

That's not even the section you'd look in,

you dumbass!

I'm the dumbass, huh?

That's I'm-- I'm dumb?

Okay, fine, friendship over.

Listen, I'm not sure-- sure if this is the connection,

but it sounded like you said "friendship over"

and if you did say "friendship over",

I'm gonna say "fine".

Glorious.

I wish you could see my face right now,

'cause I'm excited.

Oh, aren't you?

I wish you could see mine, 'cause I'm smiling ear to ear.

I can see you right now and I'm--

You're the worst.

That's not nice.

That is unkind.

That is unkind!

Um, hey, have you guys, I don't know,

checked Amazon Prime?

Do they-- wait, d-- do they ship stuff like that?

Oh, it could be there in less than two hours.

You-- what do you uh, I mean in your professional opinion,

what do you think somethin' like that might run us?

Oh, in my professional opinion, you guys are idiots.

See, now, I can't tell if you're professionally insulting us

or just reminiscing about community college.

Um, I think I was pretty clear.

Yeah, Jodi and the Idiots could have been huge

if we could have just found a drummer.

But as a power pop acoustic trio,

we were quite good.

I literally can't believe I agreed to be in a band

called "Jodi and the Idiots".

Well, it was edgy you know, like the music.

Alright, tell you what?

If you guys promise to kiss, makeup,

and don't call me again at work,

I will look up your flux capacitor.

Deal?

I would be willing to overlook his infidelities,

Yes.

That-- whatever.

Glen?

I uh-- alright, yeah, yeah.

Okay, deal.

Deal.

Okay, done.

I'm hangin' up now.

Love you, Marcus!

Jodi and the Idiots forever!

God.

You treat everyone this way?

Phew!

Thank you for contacting the Alicorn support team.

My name is Marcus.

Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?

Marcus?

Oh, your name is Marcus, too?

What the hell are you talkin' about?

No, no, no, my name is Kelly!

Oh, uh, Kelly, sorry about that.

Nice to meet you. How can I assist you today?

Hold on here.

No, no, no, uh-- are you in a public space?

There is a pandemic.

No, no, no, you can't be in public.

Get-- get safe.

Go s-- go be safe.

I'll call back later.

No, I-- I promise we're in a very safe location.

We're in a very scaled-down version

of our office,

but if it makes you more comfortable,

I can put up a virtual background.

How about uh--

At the beach?

Oh, I do not like that at all.

Okay, um, we can try-- how about space?

Oh!

Oh, fuck!

Peggy, take a look at this.

He's in outer space.

Can I do that?

Yeah, you can.

Just click on your settings.

My settings.

Wait, h-- hold on, Marcus the Unicorn.

Okay.

Oh, hell no!

No, oh, no!

This-- no, I don't want this.

No, that-- I don't know what that is.

No.

No, what-- no.

Okay, no.

I know it's worse, Peggy, I'm lookin' right at it.

It's a nightmare.

Um--

Oh!

What's happening here?

Just click-- click out of your settings, Kelly.

My settings-- oh, hell, motherfucker!

Oh!

Holy shit balls!

So--

How can I assist you today?

So here's what's happening?

Our son Dylan--

He's on your program.

So now he sent me this thing to put on my computer,

so that we could talk to each other face-to-face.

I cannot get him.

It keeps sayin' that he is unavailable

and I have tried for four times this week.

Well, um, I think when it says unavailable,

it just means that there's not actually an issue

with the actual software,

but um, he-- he just may not be answering.

Well, you know, uh, I'm not gonna fight you,

'cause I don't know for sure

I d-- I-- I don't know.

That-- that could be true.

Sir, when was the last time you spoke to Dylan?

Oh, wow.

Uh, what do you say? About a month?

Yeah, we think it's been about a month, yeah.

Now, I will tell you this.

We assumed

that we would be talking to him a lot more,

because everybody-- everybody's on lockdown.

Uh, but I talk more with Brenda over at the drugstore,

because she gives me my diabetes medicine,

and she--

Okay, hold on there, Marcus uni-- unicorn.

No, no, no, no, she does not have eyes for me, Peggy.

You know what?

You need to cool your jets, woman.

Sir, you keep saying "we".

Is there-- is there someone else there with you?

Oh-oh, would you excuse my manners?

Now, this is on me, my apologies.

Yes, Marcus the Unicorn, let me introduce you to Peggy.

This is my beautiful wife Peggy.

Take a look at that.

Now, that's a face.

That's a face.

Oh, God bless her.

Marcus, that's Peggy.

Okay.

Yeah, she is--she's one of those special people

in the world and uh, she's a gift.

She is definitely a gift to me.

But I would tell you,

between you and me, Marcus the Unicorn,

she's in a bit of a mood, because she's kinda pissed off

that we can't get a hold of Dylan

on this video chat.

So I think you're best just to talk with me.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I hear you.

Um, well, I'll tell you what?

I am gonna figure out what is going on on my end

and in the meantime, why don't you tell me more

about Peggy and Brenda down at the drugstore.

Oh.

Oh, Marcus, now you-- oh.

I see what you're doin'.

You're tryin' to get me to walk a very dangerous line.

I see what you're doin'.

Yes.

And let me tell you somethin'.

I'm gonna walk it, that's right.

Now, it is a very dramatic situation,

because Peggy...

You know, Marcus, life is funny,

and things aren't always as you think they're gonna be,

and sometimes-- 'cause like-- like my Peggy everyone--

everyone loved her-- uh, loves her and...

I'm sorry, Marcus the Unicorn, somethin'--

Uh, hold on a second.

Okay, Marcus, have-- uh, have you been talkin'

to your family during all this, 'cause it's good--

It's good to be tied with family,

'cause all of a sudden, sometimes they're not there.

No, I-- you're right, Kelly.

I-- I could do better.

Family's everything.

Family's everything and that-- that's why I got--

I gotta talk to Dylan.

I-- I, sometimes I-- I think he um...

I think he forgets sometimes.

Don't-- don't you forget, okay?

Oh, hell, speakin' of drama, look at this!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, take a look at this.

Oh, Marc-- Marcus, yeah, you see this thing here?

Yeah, this is my doorbell camera.

Ain't that somethin'?

Yeah, I can see all the delivery people,

'cause I have my food delivered, isn't that somethin'?

Other than the weekend marathon of Forensic Files,

this is my entertainment.

I watch them bring me my food--

And I make sure that they follow the protocol.

Oh, what's-- what's the protocol?

Oh, well, the protocol is

to keep your fingers off my shit!

I mean I'm not lookin' to die in this house here, Marcus.

No, no, no.

How much did you make on that one?

Eight bucks.

Hardly seems worth the trip.

We gotta pay the rent somehow, Chloe.

Just let me call my father.

No, I do not wanna lean on your parents.

Tom, this is ridiculous.

You just made $8.

That still leaves us 600 short.

Not to mention last month's, which we still owe.

I know that!

You don't think I know that?

See?

This is what I'm talking about.

Why are we doing this if we know New York is an option?

Oh, here we go.

Everything is back to New York.

Yes!

We have family there.

You have family there.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, Chloe.

Your family never accepted me and why would they?

I don't come from money, I didn't go to Dartmouth,

God forbid.

That is not fair!

My father loves you.

And I told you a million times, all it takes is one phone call,

even if it's just temporary.

I don't wanna mooch off my wife's parents.

You are not mooching, you'd be working for it.

Can't you-- you know, you're not the only one

who's lost their job, because of all this?

I hate to break it to you, honey,

but you're not that special.

I'm over this conversation.

What is really going on here?

Does this have something to do

with all those phone calls you keep getting?

'Cause you act weird after each one of them.

Are you having an affair?

Of course, I'm not.

Do you not love me anymore?

Of course, I love you.

Then what the fuck?

I'm sterile, Chloe.

What?

I'm sorry.

Why didn't you just tell me that?

I felt so guilty.

I uh, I just need a couple of minutes

to sit with this.

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Uh, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna do a few more runs

and um, I'll call you in a while.

Yeah, okay.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey.

Um, you got a minute?

I-- I-- I gotta talk to someone.

I'm uh, I'm suffering, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Is it-- is it about your bandana?

I'm contemplating leaving my wife

for another woman.

Oh, fuck.

Um, okay.

Yeah, yeah, and I can't-- I can't seem to tell her

and every time I want to, it just--

It doesn't come out.

Yeah, I would imagine it's pretty hard

to bring up something like that.

Um, I mean I don't wanna pry, but what the fuck?

I mean Chloe's great.

I'm not saying I don't love her, okay?

I just-- I don't feel it the same way

that I do with this other woman.

I-

I told her I'm sterile.

You're sterile?

No!

I was tryin' to tell the truth, but I panicked

and that other thing came out.

Yeah, the other thing being the big fucking lie.

That's all fucked, man.

You're divorced.

Was it like this?

Did you ever--

Have an affair?

No, Anna and I's relationship wasn't like that.

What was it like?

I need a little bit of advice here.

I love you, Tom, like a brother okay?

And nothing will ever change that.

I've known you since I was fuckin' 12 years old

and the one thing that I know about you

is that you're a fucking coward

when it comes to doin' the hard thing.

Harsh.

Uh, but okay.

You mean telling her the truth?

No, I mean working on it with your wife.

She left New York, dude.

She left behind her friends, and her family,

and her stability, and for what?

For you.

She did all that

because she wanted to be with you

and all because you wouldn't move to New York.

Yeah, because I had a job, and friends, and I had a home!

Yes, all things that you could acquire in New York

and you know that.

Fuck you, you think I'm scared.

I know you're fuckin' scared

and this other woman is just another opportunity

for you to fuckin' run away from your problem.

Is it? Is it?

I mean here comes good old righteous man

riding in on his high horse to do the right thing,

but when it comes to love,

you are just as fucked up as all of us.

You settled for Anna, because it was convenient,

and she deserved better, she knew it, and so she left.

And you don't think Chloe deserves better than this,

you fuckin' prick?

Okay, you know, I called you,

because I needed to talk to a friend.

If I'd wanted to talk to a judgmental asshole,

I would have called my father-in-law.

Oh, fuck off!

Fuck!

Fuck.

No, no, no, no.

Goddammit.

Don't fuckin' call me.

What the fuck does he--

Hey.

Hey.

Um, you-- you called me.

You called me.

Yeah, sorry, I didn't know if you'd actually answer it

or not.

Hi, how are you?

How is all of this um...

Um, I uh...

Um, I'm good, I'm good.

How's work?

How's...

Things are good, things are good for me.

I uh, haven't had my golden god Almost Famous moment yet,

but you know, fingers are crossed.

Maybe we're-- maybe we're close to it.

Uh, and you-- you're-- you're-- you're good.

What's up?

Yeah, n-- I mean nothin'.

I just uh, I had this weird conversation with Tom.

They're always weird, but this one was--

This one kinda brought some stuff up

that got me thinking and I wanted to reach out and...

Okay.

it's nothing like weird or anything like that.

I just uh, you know, with us-- as it got me thinking about us

and I like that-- you know, I like to think

that we both know what happened, right?

Like it was very black and white,

and uh, you know, we worked,

and then we just weren't anymore.

And it was very clear.

That was very clear to both of us.

We're such different people and not in

like a "we're so different, it's cute" kinda way,

but more in like

"incompatibly different shit is fucked" kinda way.

Well, we were compatible in some ways.

You know, what are you-- I-- the sex was good?

Good?

Just good?

What do you want me to say?

Oh, it fit like a glove.

Oh my God, it was so great.

That-- that sounds good.

I'm just gonna check with my ego real quick.

Do we approve of that?

Is that a good answer for us?

I remember we had to Google

what happens if it's too big to fit.

No.

We were curious if other people had that problem.

We did not have that problem.

I think we did.

I think-- I think we did.

I think I remember why we got divorced.

Because it was too big?

So you're still wearing your wedding ring.

That's cool.

I--

It's honest-- it's so-- that's so fuckin' embarrassing.

I would--

I can't take it off just yet.

I liked you're-- you're different.

Um...

Yeah, I uh, I liked you're different, too.

Um,

sometimes you know different is just uh,

too different.

Yeah.

I can't stop thinkin' back to 10 years ago

and what-- what would my life be like

if I didn't approach you in that coffee shop.

Who would I be?

Are you serious right now?

You know, I approached you.

You're insane.

No!

Do you not remember my choice pickup line?

Okay, um,

"Hey, uh, sorry to bother you.

I--- I was sitting at this table earlier

and I-- I think I left my jacket here.

Do you mind if I just uh, so do you, um--"

Oh my God.

It was you.

Oh, fuck!

I've been lying to myself for 10 years now.

How did you come up with that?

I thought--

I thought it was me!

And we never found that jacket, didn't we?

Well, ugh, maybe there like wasn't a jacket.

What?

What?

That's some Sleeper Cell shit right there.

Yeah!

Is your name even Anna?

That is a mind fuck.

Yeah, it's okay, though.

We decided not to kill you.

And then we went to that movie.

Did that happen?

Did we go to the matinee?

That was-- that real, we went to a movie.

Those are real memories.

Yeah.

Okay. What did we see?

It's classified.

I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

Top Gun.

How does it take you so long?

I'm not as obsessed with the movie as you are.

Those are hot air fighter dudes.

No one would argue that.

Okay, thank you.

I really thought it was me.

I really thought I approached-- approached you.

That is a mind fuck!

I do you miss your bullshit.

And I miss your mood swings.

It's good to see you.

Yeah, I just felt like closure, right?

Almost.

You can be my wingman anytime.

Bullshit, you can be mine.

Well, that-- that feels like closure.

Yeah.

I'll see you around.

Yeah, you better.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Okay.

Hey, girl!

Hey, Lex.

What's up?

You're in a good mood.

It is nap time, my favorite time of day.

So that might explain it.

Oh nice, what's up?

What's good?

You kinda look like you've been crying.

I'm good, I'm good,

I uh, I just you know, I was just having a moment.

Oh, yes, I've had quite a few of those lately, actually.

I know what you mean.

Is this um, is this bipolar-related or--

Oh, uh, no, ex-husband-related.

Oh shit!

What happened?

Nothing.

We just had the talk you know, like our Annie Hall ending,

I suppose.

Oh, yes, the wistful coda.

You know, you still love him, right?

I know, I do, but you know,

just because two people love each other

does not mean they should be together.

You are a wiser man than I, for sure.

How's the poetry?

Uh...

How's music?

Meh.

I play a lot, it's palliative

and um, keeps the hypomanic and depressive episodes at bay,

but the writing not so much.

I-- I feel you.

I'm-- I am uh, speechless, as they say.

I've got absolutely nothing to say.

I'm just trying to get from point A to point B

right now, so...

How's Nonny?

How's New York?

Uh, I mean New York is not very New Yorkish right now,

as you can imagine.

We're doing everything we can to stay connected

and spend time together.

I guess we're trying to so...

And hey, don't-- don't you worry about that music either.

That's gonna come, you just gotta give it time, you know?

Maybe-- maybe like go on hinge, find yourself a new muse.

Um, um, a muse that isn't Ben?

I don't know maybe.

Maybe it is still Ben.

Maybe you stop looking for closure

and you just become grateful for the goodbye.

Oh, God!

That's my kid screaming, I'm pretty sure.

Well, give her a big hug for me,

and tell the kids I say "hello", tell Nonny I give her kisses.

I will.

You wanna chat again next week?

Yes, definitely.

Okay, same time, same place.

Love you.

Thanks, bye, girl.

♪ Ben ♪

No, fuck that.

So I did it.

I read the fuck comments on my blog,

which I don't normally do, because you guys are trolls,

and disgusting, and I'm not sadistic.

But I gotta say some fuckin' thunder cunt fuck away

left a comment where he called me a "bitch".

Thank you, fuck-boi. huh?

You didn't see that coming from Mi Cha,

because I actually you know, I'm proud of my bitchiness,

okay?

This is something that I cultivated

over several years.

Am I making any fucking sense?

No, I'm going insane.

Uh, that's enough for today.

This is a disaster.

Everything's a disaster.

If you need to buy extra cloud storage

to sext in high definition, fucking do it.

Alright, Mi Cha out, bitches.

Hey, you.

Yes, you.

Remember when the world looked like this?

When finding love was less complicated,

and finding the time to manage your love life,

or lack thereof, was your biggest fear,

and sex didn't look like this?

Hello, friends, I've missed you.

And to my fellow isolators--

Huh.

I hope with the entirety of my heart,

even in the rarely-traveled crevices,

in which my afflictions hibernate,

that you find this time

of separation

a process of unity.

As many of you know, my show advocates connection,

but there's been some comments

questioning my sincerity

in that regard.

And I'd never want to impress

upon my whimsical disciples

that I'm about some pre-arranged...

...swankiness.

And on my next show, I will indeed

connect more intimately.

I like to call these next four minutes--

Oh, it's on tonight.

♪ Used to be a lot of fun ♪

♪ Remember all those happy things we've done ♪

♪ Gettin' lost in the midnight sun ♪

DJ Satur8, you are a smooth-talking son of a bitch.

♪ Used to be a dreamer ♪

♪ Used to be a schemer ♪

♪ Now you're throwing excuses now ♪

184 pages.

Uh, dammit, Ben, you...

♪ Why're you wasting mine ♪

♪ I have better things to do ♪

♪ Than to sit around and help you ♪

Hey, dad.

Hey, honey.

You doing good?

Doing good?

Yeah.

You look tired.

Thanks.

Well, no, that-- that's-- that's a compliment.

Mmhmm.

Well, speakin' of, it's a nice change

not seein' you sittin' on the couch.

How's home?

Sunny.

How's craplyn?

I'm sorry, Brooklyn.

It's alright.

It's alright.

I know you're fronting, 'cause you miss me.

That is true.

How's mom?

You know, mom.

She runs a tight ship.

She won't even let me go outside.

That's weird.

She won't let you or you don't want to,

'cause your ego don't like how you look in a mask

and gloves?

Hey, hey, I-- I-- I look incredible

in a mask and gloves.

I should have been a surgeon.

Well, beat you to it.

Wait, why-- you're all made up.

Do you have a date?

Kinda, not really.

That's cryptic.

Who's the lucky lady?

Uh.

I'm kidding, sweetie, I-- I'm kidding.

How's Lexi?

How are my grandchildren?

Good.

Lexi's good, kids are good.

But it's kinda tough not being together right now,

you know.

Well, you look beautiful

Thanks, dad.

I'm proud of you.

Can I call you tomorrow?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, call mom first.

She gets jealous.

I'll do that.

I need to call her anyway.

Have fun on your date.

Thank you, dad.

Oh, do me a favor, get some sun.

What? You sound like mom now!

Oh, okay.

Alright, I-- I will get some sun,

because I love you.

I love you more.

Bye, hon.

Bye.

Andy.

Talk to me. How the audition's goin'?

Um, I will send over a few recommends tonight.

I sense some indifference.

It's fine.

Ella, come on, please.

Okay it's shit, Andy.

It's been a really long week.

I can't tell anymore if someone is good or terrible

and if I have to listen

to the "King Kong ain't got shit on me" monologue

one more time today,

I'm going to come unglued.

Denzel.

That's-- that's a great piece.

Yes, it is

when it is done with passion, and introspection,

and vulnerability,

but 9 times out of 10, it is misinterpreted as anger

and I spend all day bein' shouted at.

Shouted at?

I mean don't they know that we're casting a romantic film?

Uh, the--

The auditions this week were all just for the male role,

right?

Right.

Auditions for Mia don't start till next week.

Okay.

Well, with that um, do me a favor.

When you're casting for Mia,

if you could please

use a wider net ethnically.

A wider ethnical net?

Yes, just-- yeah, wider, yeah.

Like less...

White?

Could you do that for me, please?

Yeah, it's just-- it's just a big step.

But I'm not racist.

I mean for the studio,

Oh, yeah, uh--

The studio does not know about this, so--

Between us, please.

Ah, here's my last audition for the day.

Well, have at it.

Um, thank you, Ella, I know it's tough.

I know it's tough, but uh, keep up the great work.

I really appreciate it and uh, talk to you soon.

Bye, Andy.

Hello.

Hey, hi.

Hi, Paul, I'm Ella.

I'm handling casting at this point in production.

Okay, hi, Ella.

It's very nice to meet you

at least through the screen, anyway.

Yeah, you know, lockdown.

Yeah, no, I get it.

Great, so why don't we just jump right in

and we can start with your monologue.

Right, okay, so here's the thing.

I-- I actually um, I-- I don't know much about the role

or the project.

You don't have anything prepared?

I don't.

Um, no, but it's not--

It's not quite as bad as it sounds,

because I just only found out about the audition

like 10 minutes ago.

Uh, you've been scheduled for over a week.

Okay, um, so well,

this sounds really unprofessional

and doesn't bode well for my chances

of getting the part,

but um, I'm currently between representation.

So my agent or-- well, not my agent my friend's agent,

who's nice enough to send me some projects

on the side, um,

sometimes things will slip through the cracks

when it's a project pertaining to me.

So I think that's what happened.

You don't have the slides or anything?

I-- I don't unfortunately,

but I do know that it's a romantic film

and that I'm reading for the-- the love interest.

Well, Paul, I'm sorry.

I don't think there's much I can do for you at this point.

Okay, um, I'm sorry.

If you give me one s-- just-- I'm so sorry, hold on.

Okay, hold on, here we go.

I don't have a romantic monologue,

but maybe this will work.

It's uh, um, I wrote it to my ex months ago

and I think it's probably safe to assume

I'm never gonna send it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

"March 10th, 2020.

Dear Grace,

I won't take up much of your time.

I know once you've made up your mind,

There's no changing it.

What happened?

We were everything.

We had everything in front of us.

What the fuck happened?

Sorry, I know you hate it when I say "fuck".

I know life is strange.

People get together because they're the same

or because they're different

and they split with them for the exact same reasons.

I guess I'll just assume that's what happened here.

I counted the days we were together.

I know that's a weird thing to do,

but people do weird things when they're sad, I guess.

Two years nine months,

1,000 days.

I'm hurt, I'm pissed

not knowing what could have been.

1,000 nights isn't enough for me.

Maybe it was enough for you.

I'll always wish for one more.

Paul."

Sorry.

You wrote that for your ex?

We split up a-- a few months ago and um--

It's sort of been a hard year so far,

I think probably for everybody,

but uh, it's not easy to move on when you're social distancing.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Oh yeah?

Did you go through a breakup, too?

Um, divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, Gracie, she uh--

She got me these really great tickets

to go see Sting.

Uh, I mean these were amazing seats,

like right up in there.

I could have taken his guitar if I wanted to

um, but there was this-- this intermissions break,

like in the middle of the show,

and um, that-- that's where she did it.

Wait, she broke up with you at the concert?

Well, I-- I think she would probably say

that it was letting me down easy, you know?

You gotta gotta give the dog his favorite treat

before you put him down.

Ironically, Sting is my favorite artist.

No way, really?

Yeah, my dad loves Sting.

When I was little, I would fall asleep on his chest

listening to Ten Summoner's Tales.

Oh, it's such a good album.

Fuck.

I actually have a couple of his guitar picks

from that show.

Oh, nice.

I have a signed shirt from his Brand New Day tour.

Oh, well, I have all of his CDs and most of his cassettes.

I have all his vinyl.

Even Love at First Sting?

Love at First Sting was a Scorpion's record.

But you know that.

Touché.

And that letter you wrote, that was-- that was handwritten?

Yeah.

Yeah, I thought it was more romantic.

Ah, typewriter guy, huh?

I'm like a less attractive version

of Colin Firth in Love Actually.

That's a criminally underrated film.

Yes, it is!

I mean yeah, Richard Curtis gets all this grief,

because he writes these romanticized characters,

but I really appreciate it.

Well, for what it's worth,

no one has ever written me a handwritten letter.

Oh, well, not sure it counts if you never send it.

Uh, anyway, so Paul,

surprisingly your audition went very well.

Oh.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, I appreciate that.

Um, why did you get divorced?

Um--

I'm sorry, I-- that's really unprofessional.

I--

Um...

You know, I've thought about it a lot.

I was young, and naïve, and I think in the beginning

I overlooked a lot of things I shouldn't have,

because I idealized who he was in our relationship.

He was an asshole.

Yeah, okay, well, he wasn't always an asshole, right?

I'm sure there were some good moments

between you guys.

He wanted things out of life and I wanted things out of life,

but he didn't want me to want those things,

because they didn't align with his own idealized version

of our relationship.

But the assholery that can be traced back

to the beginning.

At our wedding, he took a work call

right before our first dance.

Are you-- you're serious?

No, he didn't.

It happened.

The song starts, I go out into the dance floor,

and I turn around, and he's outside.

So I'm just standing there like an idiot

in front of everyone.

Oh, man, that's-- that sucks.

I'm sorry that-- that is-- that is dickishness

on top of the assholery.

Well, you live and you learn, right?

But I-- I got to keep the house, so...

I mean yeah, I-- sometimes I think

that the best parts about breakups

are the souvenirs, you know?

Like not-- not the house, but like the you know,

just the things that you wind up taking with you.

The memories, good and bad,

and then really the scars, too, though,

because that's what--

That's what helps you maybe love better next time

and-- and not make all the same fuck-ups.

You know, I've spent most of the last year

feelin' like a fuck-up.

I think that we're all guilty of idealizing or romanticizing,

but I don't think it's a bad thing.

No?

No, I'm doin' it right now.

Uh, Richard Curtis knows what's up.

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe.

Oh, damn.

What?

I-- I'm gettin' a-- it says that my session is ending.

Yeah, you have to pay for the--

For the service to have longer calls.

I would like to ask you to reserve more time for me

in the future, but um,

I also feel like this was exactly what it needed to be.

So let's not ruin it by romanticizing--

No, don't say roman--

I thought I'd converted you.

Almost.

Well, look, I only have a few seconds left,

so maybe I don't have time, but um, in case,

I don't ever see you again,

I want you to know that this is how you will forever stay

in my mind.

What do you mean?

So now you don't get to say

that no one's ever written you a handwritten letter.

♪ Trusting me like a fool ♪

Well, fuck.

♪ Like a fool ♪

♪ Like a fool ♪

♪ Like a fool ♪

♪ Like a fool ♪

♪ Like a fool ♪

I'm telling you I can't see anything

I'm tellin'--

I swear these TD effin' robot overlords are takin' over.

You can hear me, right?

That works.

You have to take it out of sleep mode to see me,

so you have to hit sleep mode.

Hit sleep mode.

Oh!

Hey!

Yes.

Good Lord, look at you.

You look exactly like you did when we talked earlier.

You however have aged horribly.

You really need to use some eye creams

and different emoluments.

You're the most supportive friend that I have.

You're willing to make hurtful observations,

and relay those to my face, and I appreciate that.

You're welcome.

What is this?

You've had this the whole time.

Do you not see it?

When you-- look, when you're talking to me.

You also see yourself, too.

You have to see that, right?

I do.

It's a lot less worse than what's goin' on below frame.

How's your house this quiet?

The kids are asleep.

I bet you love that, huh?

It's actually horribly depressing.

I-- why would it be depressing?

It's like this silence reminds me of my mortality.

Yeah.

And I just think of a time when they are gone

and I'm just left alone with my thoughts.

Just sort of left staring off in the mid distance,

remembering toilet seat art,

and you know, blanket forts,

and watching iTunes trailers all night long,

because we can't agree on anything.

Well, that is very touching and also wildly depressing.

That doesn't add up at all,

because the only advice you've ever given me is

"Whatever you do, don't have children."

And I stand by that.

It is a horrible, beautiful, wonderful nightmare

that you cannot wake up from.

You think about your kids all the time

and you love 'em for it,

but you also resent them at the same time.

I mean they stress me the F out, but...

...my favorite part of the day is when I put them in bed,

and I tuck 'em in,

and I kiss 'em on their obnoxious faces,

and they say "I love you, daddy."

I don't know.

But the future, man.

I mean what am I gonna do when they're gone?

'Cause you think about the future

and that's the worst, you know?

What if they don't come home for Christmas?

What if they don't um, uh, call?

I had that weed earlier.

It was pineapple surprise.

And this is the surprise.

Did you smoke all that you had,

'cause Jesus Christ, you are in it right now.

It has a lot of flavor.

I didn't want the kids to find it.

I'm trying to be a good parent.

Yeah, well, you're doin' great.

What?

Jesus.

How are you?

Sober.

And a little more emotionally grounded.

I'm okay.

Hey, I'm sorry for this tangent.

I just wanted to call you to tell you

that I respect you for what you did earlier

about the script.

Yeah,

You know, you're a stand-up guy.

You're an a-hole, but you're a stand-up a-hole.

I uh, I called Anna today, spoke with her.

Dude, what are you doing?

You're poking the bear.

I'm not poking a be-- what is that-- what bear?

The despair.

The bear of despair, you're pokin' it.

You sound like a high Dr. Seuss,

I'm not.

There's no bear.

I'm not poking a bear.

It was just two adults having a conversation.

Yeah, you know,

asleep bears don't have conversations

unless you poke 'em.

It's fine and I am gonna be making

another phone call tonight as well.

Okay, I don't wanna know about that,

because I care about you.

Also, I wanna shower

and get this Dorito smell out of me.

Yeah, maybe-- maybe wash that shirt as well.

leave that on when you get in the shower.

I want you to know no matter what happens

with the script--

Yeah.

I'm on your side.

Unless they fire you and keep me.

I can always count on you, Noel.

Take care, man.

Alright, I'll talk to you later.

Get some bear spray.

Yeah, alright, shut up.

Hello, friends,

I've always wanted DJ Satur8 to be a symbol of hope

amid these darkest of days.

A symbol in which we all find something

in which to connect

and tonight, I'd like to share

that same opportunity to connect with you.

Below, you will find an Alicorn link

for the first time we can be face-to-face.

That link is now live.

Wow!

This is exceptional.

It's difficult being human.

The world is changing,

But there are some things that remain the same.

There will always be light

at the end of the darkness.

Chances are the perfect melody

has already been pieced together

and the right words have already been written,

so that you can find your light.

I suppose my point is

even DJ Satur8 can admit

that sometimes

shit be fucked up,

but I'ma keep doin' my shit and that's okay.

And I hope

that you find that same sort of clarity.

Want an orange, baby bird?

♪ Oh no, you opened a door ♪

Hey, mom.

♪ You might have opened it wide ♪

I just think it's time we end this.

Is this because I asked you

to do a three-way with my step sister?

Yes, that did play a factor in my decision.

♪ You don't know what your lightest touch ♪

♪ Sets off in me ♪

Okay.

♪ Oh, no, no, I can't take it ♪

♪ You got me feelin' naked ♪

Daddy!

Hmm.

♪ Oh, no, no, I can't take it ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ You got me, yeah ♪

♪ What if I did it ♪

♪ And what if I kissed you right here ♪

♪ And what if you felt it ♪

♪ What if you felt the way I felt about you ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ What if I did it ♪

♪ And what if I kissed you right here ♪

♪ And what if you felt it ♪

♪ What if you felt the way I felt about you ♪

Tom.

Hey.

Uh, we need to talk.

Yeah, we do.

♪ You know, I'm screamin' your name ♪

♪ As I spin out of control ♪

♪ You got me givin' it all to you ♪

♪ Wonder if you know ♪

We did it.

We did it.

We--

♪ I lied to everyone ♪

♪ Everyone ♪

♪ I bottled up all this stuff for you ♪

♪ I'm a loaded gun ♪

♪ Loaded gun ♪

Dylan Benjamin Davis, where the hell have you been?

Hey, dad.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

I had a conversation today with a unicorn

just tryin' to get a hold of you!

You're gonna have to explain that one to me.

Oh, your mother, she'll tell you.

Oh, Dylan, it was a dramatic situation.

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ What if I did it ♪

You hate it.

I love it if you love it, babe, you know.

Okay.

Oh, wait, hold on, Jodi's callin'.

Guys, we got the flux capacitor

and I think we figured out a way to stop the pandemic.

What pandemic?

Oh my God, we fuckin' did it.

♪ What if I did it ♪

♪ And what if I kissed you right here ♪

♪ And what if you felt it ♪

♪ What if you felt the way I felt about you ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ What if I did it ♪

♪ And what if I kissed you right here ♪

♪ And what if you felt it ♪

♪ What if you felt the way I felt about you ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ What if I did it ♪

♪ And what if I kissed you right here ♪

♪ And what if you felt it ♪

♪ What if you felt it ♪

♪ What if you felt the way I felt about you ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ No ♪

Alright.

Uh, I just wanna say that uh,

King Kong does not have any shit on me,

But this is something that I-- I probably need to yell, right?

Yeah, I gotta yell it, alright.

King Kong ain't got shit on me!

Is that-- I feel like-- I don't know.

I don't feel this.

I'm not gonna get this fuckin' part.

Waste my goddamn time.

Alright.

♪ Ben ♪

No fuck that.

♪ I saw a long time ♪

That is way too much.

No, it's not gonna work.

♪ Sunday matinee ♪

♪ Saw your face ♪

♪ And the way you smiled at me ♪

♪ With those blue eyes ♪

♪ I'll never forget you ♪

♪ And if you ♪

♪ Don't remember me ♪

♪ I'll say a prayer for you ♪

♪ And if you ♪

♪ Don't remember me ♪

♪ And I thought I'd see the day ♪

♪ When you were by my side ♪

♪ But I don't need that

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ I don't need that ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ No, I don' ♪

♪ Need you anymore ♪

Well, Anna, you're a fuckin' sass.

I fuckin' hungry.