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1 This is the day room, where they all...

This... Where they're all sort of... active.

This is about as active as it gets, yeah?

Jack.

You work here?

Every time! You know I do. I've worked here for three years.

Derek! He's deaf.

This is Dennis. He's deaf.

No, I'm not...

This is Lizzie.

Am I?

Hannah.

She's in charge.

And she's my favourite in a different way. Probably going to marry her.

She says no.

See, I makes her laugh, don't I?

You do Derek, yeah.

What?

I just thought of summat.

Are you Secret Millionaire?

- It's not Secret Millionaire. - Is it?

- No, Derek. - They say no.

Ah! Secret Millionaire says no, though.

'If you were Secret Millionaire? How much money would you give me?'

20,000?

Er, buy Hannah a house probably.

And a car.

That's what I'd do.

He said that?

He's got a heart of gold, hasn't he?

Shame more people aren't like that really.

How much is left?

I don't think there'd be anything left

if you bought a car and a house.

OK, just give it to her then.

I don't need anything anyway.

Except Hannah. She can have it.

Ah, Dougie.

All right?

Douglas. Come here.

Why?

Everyone wants to be on telly.

Well, everybody IS on the telly.

Anyone can get on the telly. I don't want to be on the telly.

Why not?

Why would I want to do that?

To show...

To show off how good my life is? Yeah?

Working here, looking like this?

Hanging about with you? This is my life. This is where I work.

This is our look. He's me best mate.

Why would I want to show that off on the telly?

He's the caretaker here, isn't he?

Yeah. I'll see you later.

All right?

Yeah, this is my

little area just down here.

Loads of stuff.

This is the main bit.

This is like my den.

All right, innit?

Well, I don't need anything fancy.

I know it's not like Alan Sugar's office. The wage isn't great.

I'm spending most of me time here anyway.

I get fed three times a day for nothing.

Slippers I get. You know, hand me downs.

These glasses aren't mine.

Someone died a few years ago.

You know what I mean? There's other perks.

Do you know why we've got such a posh computer?

Kris Marshall gave it to us. Loads of famous people give us stuff.

Look, that's me and Fern Britton. Before she was thin.

She had her stomach tied together or summat.

Anyway, Kris Marshall.

You know Kris Marshall off the BT adverts?

They're not his real kids but he's bringing them up anyway.

My favourite thing on here is YouTube.

My favourite YouTube thing is animals

and my favouritest animal thing is hamster on a piano. Listen.

See it wriggling?

He falls off, but he catches him.

Derek's my boyfriend.

No, I'm not. Why do you say that? She always says that.

I likes old people.

They're kind and they're not going to be around forever,

so be nice to them.

Old people are nicer to me than anyone else in the world.

I'm nice to you.

Yeah, Mary's nice to me,

but she's Lizzie's granddaughter.

Oh, is she?

Yeah.

I cut their toenails. They can't bend down otherwise.

They give me toffees.

I haven't got any toffees left.

What do you mean? You ain't got any toffees left?

No.

Why didn't you tell me before you started?

I've got to finish them anyway cos they're all uneven.

Ah, you're a good boy.

I'm a hungry boy.

Are you the nurse?

You've got to go now.

She's not my girlfriend.

- Derek, Derek, Derek. - What?

Take what you can get, mate.

Take what you can get.

Innit?

Not bothered.

'Derek just cracks me up.

'Everybody loves him. He's just funny.'

I just think he's hilarious.

Pudding! Who wants pudding?

What is it?

Rhubarb crumble and custard.

Ah, course it is! It's Monday. That is my favouritest of all.

Why have they already got it? Why's he already got it?

Is that bigger than mine?

I got more custard.

Who turned it over?

He did.

Right.

I was watching that.

Don't turn over. He always does that.

Oh, for... Ah!

Look at your trousers!

Does it show?

Of course it shows, it's all over the back! Come on.

He's just funny. He's just funny!

'I've been here about 15 years.

'Longer than I thought I would be.

'Yeah, 15 years.

'I left school, I didn't have any qualifications.

'I just left at 16 and then I had a job at a shoe shop, but I hated it.

'A friend of mine mentioned there was a job here.

'Like a cleaning job,

'and then it just took over'

'Yeah, I got an NVQ which was quite hard to get,

'but I got it in the end.

'I like it. I like the people.'

You just get hooked into the job and then...

It's sort of taken over my life, to be honest.

'I mean, I have hours. You know, there are shifts,

'but I'm here a lot. I'll stay here on a night off

'for company if anything.'

They keep me company because I don't want to go home to an empty house.

And here's the room I was telling you about.

This is where we do...

There's a new lady coming in today.

Annie. She's coming in.

This is Derek.

All right?

Derek works here.

Hello. Hello.

And this is Tom, Annie's grandson.

- Hello. - All right?

It's all here, innit?

It's all right, innit?

Yeah.

You got your room? Got your room ready?

My computer over there. Do you know Hamster On A Piano?

No, I don't like hamsters.

We ain't got a hamster. We've got a piano.

Oh.

But that's different...

I'm not in a relationship. Not married or anything.

I just... It's never worked out really.

'I'm probably not suited to relationships.

'I'm here a lot. I haven't got time.

'A lot of people meet at work, don't they? I work here.'

So there aren't that many eligible men.

Why d'you keep itching?

Huh?

Why do you keep itching?

Fungus.

Fungus in my hip.

Still playing up, is it?

Yeah.

My two best friends.

This is sort of my gang.

When we comes in, we comes in and Arthur goes,

"Here comes the in crowd!" Innit?

Yeah.

I don't want to be part of this crowd.

I just sort of slipped into it.

He doesn't work here.

He's the best autograph hunter in the gang.

In the world.

He doesn't autograph hunt, do you?

I don't see the point.

Buzz, mate. The buzz.

What buzz?

The rush. You get a rush.

When did you last get a 'buzz' from getting an autograph?

The McGanns. Steve, Joe, Paul.

He's got everyone. How many autographs you got?

35,000.

35,000.

My mum died, he let me move in his flat, didn't ya?

He got a council flat, so he's got a spare room cos he said

he ain't got kids or married or anything.

Not planning on.

That's not going to change.

No.

So I let him move in.

Bit of company.

But then I'm sat with him all day and all night.

'I've never seen Derek feeling sorry for himself.'

He's been through a lot.

And he just gets up,

dusts himself off, gets on with it.

'He's quite a guy.'

She's asleep.

But she knows I'm here.

She still likes me around even when she's asleep.

I likes her hair.

Fluffy.

I likes it.

Joan.

Can you hear her sleeping?

They're all asleep. I might as well sleep.

'I love Joan.

'She reminds me of my mum.

'Our favourite thing is doing the lottery together, every Wednesday.

'That's the only time she goes out.

'Except the garden.'

There's the garden, innit? My favourite's the pond.

It's my favourite bit of the whole thing here. Ah, look!

Oh, no.

Worm.

Don't!

She don't like worms.

I hate 'em. Why?

Cos they're weird. They haven't got a head.

At least they ain't got legs like a spider.

I don't tease you with them, so she don't tease me with spiders.

It comes out in the rain and then the sun dries them. I give it a drink.

Is that his head?

Well, that's the problem, isn't it?

I'll give it both ends just in case.

There we are. It'll be all right now.

It's got a little house. I saw a frog in here once, didn't I?

You did.

In the summer. Sometimes in the winter,

they keeps warm under lily pads. I've seen them here.

They're... Ah, spider!

Derek!

I'm drowning.

No, you're not drowning!

She's laughing.

We have to get all this off, it's soaking!

I will.

You're going to get pneumonia!

You'll get leeches or something!

Leeches?! What from?

They won't... Don't take your clothes off!

What you filming out here for? Film down in the bathroom!

Out the way! Out the way! Stop looking!

Normal.

Making apple pie.

I'm doing the pastry, she's peeling the apples, got them from the garden.

Why do you keep looking at Tom?

I'm not! What?

Yeah, you was.

Derek! You keep looking.

- He's gay, I think, probably gay. - How do you know?

He's either gay or married, cos all the good ones are by my age.

Yeah.

He can't be straight and single, cos then I'd stand a chance.

Chance of what?

It doesn't matter. He's gay.

I'll ask if he's gay.

No, don't. Why not?

Because then he'd know that I want to know.

Well, I'll ask him and I won't tell you what he says.

No, that would be stupid, Derek.

I want to know. I just don't want him to know that I want to know.

See?

You could ask him what his favourite films are and TV programmes,

and then come over and tell me and then I'll know if he's gay.

But don't... Do it subtly.

Ask him his favourite films, and see if he's gay or not.

But be subtle. Just bring it up.

My, um, friend Hannah, um...

she says you might be gay, right, but you mustn't...

and she wants to know, but to not tell her,

but if you just tell me your favourite TV programmes and films,

then she'll know if you're gay or not.

OK.

Tell her I love Glee, I think it's fab.

Tell her The Wizard Of Oz is my favourite film cos of Judy Garland.

Yeah.

And that I love her daughter, Eliza, as well.

Tell her my absolute favourite is Audrey Hepburn,

cos that girl had class.

Yeah.

And if she likes all of them, you tell her from me,

hmm-mm, you go, girl! Can you do that?

Yeah.

Do it for me.

Hmm-mm!

OK.

He said loads. He said Glee, Audrey Hepburn.

Told you.

I'm sorry.

Listen, I'm not gay.

And I am single.

No, right, OK.

No, no, we were just... We was talking,

and I said that you were probably gay

cos all the good ones are, and then he wanted to know,

so I said, ask what your favourite TV programmes are.

Then she'd know if you're gay or not.

No, he told me that.

That's why I said...

It seems as if you're making out I'm coming onto you, and I'm not.

No, no, definitely not.

I just... I was doing it as a joke, cos he said,

I can tell if someone's gay from a list of films,

so I said gay films. I thought it would be funny...

This is why I'm single, by the way, in case you're...

OK, well, forget it. All right.

All right.

Is he gay or not?

He said he wasn't.

Where's he gone?

'That was embarrassing. Thanks, Derek.'

It's not Derek's fault, really. It's my fault.

It's my temper, I've got a temper, as you saw.

I got it all wrong, totally got that wrong.

Completely misjudged it.

See you later.

We're going to the pub.

He loves the pub.

Yeah, my favourite.

Shithole.

Huh?

It's not what it used to be.

What did it use to be?

It's always been a pub, it's just different to what it used to be.

'It's changed. It's rowdy,

'and the bar staff don't say anything cos they get a slap.'

I was feeding crisps to some geese once,

and they all started coming, like that, and I was going,

bloody hell, they were taking it out of my fingers like that! Then...

I found a goose once. It was ill.

Where?

I knew it was ill cos it was flat, had its head out like that.

She's brave going out in public with that.

I'd like to look after old animals.

That would be good.

Wouldn't it? Yeah.

I love baby animals.

Grandad!

The girl's looking!

I think we should go soon.

Why is there a tramp in the pub?

Why?

I think it might be time to go.

Looks like a pumpkin.

Are they talking about me?

No, they're not. We'll come back another day. Yeah.

Yeah? Promise.

Check out the poo-coloured jacket.

They are talking about me.

They're not talking about you.

What have I ever done wrong?

Oh my God, that's what paedophiles look like.

Darling, you can do so much better than him.

Go and ask if they was talking about me.

Just wait here, all right?

What'd she say?

She said she's sorry.

Broken picture.

All right, Joan?

Is that it, then?

Hm.

I don't know if I can fix that or not.

It's a bit knackered. Leave it with me. I'll come back to you.

It's just shit.

That's all they do with these rooms, fill them with shit.

Give them too much space.

Honestly, just get some skips in, clear the fucking lot out.

This is his office, isn't it?

He's got his own office.

Oh!! You ain't fixed it!

You ain't throwing it away!

Seriously, she's asked me to fix it.

I have fixed it, sorted it, problem sorted, in the bin.

It's not worth it.

I don't mind fixing things that are important.

She doesn't remember.

Thanks for coming. Lovely to see you.

All right.

I was just going.

Oh! Bye.

See you later.

Bye. See you.

He's a nice lad, isn't he, coming to see you all the time?

Yeah. It's not me he comes to see.

Hm.

'Do you think would there ever be a lady or man upstairs'

what could be as old as the tortoise? That's the oldest animal.

Yeah, they're getting close to it now, Derek.

Average age is about 85 up there. Some of them up there are knackered.

I don't know at what point you can say a life is ended,

cos some of them don't move.

You know, their knees have gone, their backs have gone,

their eyes have gone, their ears have gone.

Jack, with his hearing aid, battery on the side of his head,

battery runs out, I don't see the point of putting a new battery in.

But what would you do, if you was Jack and somebody said,

"It's not worth it", what would you say? "No, I need a battery, please."

What would you do if you was old, like a tortoise,

and someone said, "Don't bother with him, he's 100."

I'd save you.

I don't care how old you was.

Bathroom.

That's where the sheets are and everything, and cleaning.

This is Joan.

Ah.

If's four o'clock, come and do the lottery.

Well, I feel a bit tired today, dear.

You know my numbers.

2, 3, 7, 24, 33, 36.

Where's the money?

It's over there, dear.

There's Ј2 here.

Oh, do a scratch card for me.

Yeah. See you later. Scratch card.

Bye, dear. Bye.

Douglas.

Dougie. Douglas.

What do you want?

Sometimes a cat...

If a dog was chasing a cat, and the cat turns round,

the dog stops cos it's scared of it scratching its eyes out.

If I wrap the bus round a lamp, cos of this...

But... Listen, Douglas. Douglas.

You've got people on board...

Douglas! Douglas!

Douglas! Douglas! Douglas! Douglas!

What?!

What?

What!

I've forgotten.

Answer straightaway.

I'm trying to drive a bus!

You're not the only one on it. We've got passengers.

If I put this round a lamp, do you know what shit I'd get into?

Ah! Swearing!

Just calm down!

We can chat when we get back. We've got nothing to do all afternoon.

It's like having a wasp in the car.

You know when you're driving,

and you've got this extra stress going on, that's what he's like.

What would win out of a suicide bomber and a shark?

Douglas.

How would he drive, having this going on in his head?

Douglas.

It's like this every Wednesday. We go for lottery tickets.

He's giving it this. Sits there every time.

OK. Thank you very much.

Joan's died.

Er, got to tell her family now.

I'm more worried about telling Derek, actually.

Joan's won Ј10, on a scratch card.

Incredibly lucky.

Hannah.

Guess what.

Joan won Ј10, on a scratch card.

Unbelievably lucky. Hello.

I can't wa...

That's brilliant. Can I have a little chat with you?

Yeah.

Are you a Secret Millionaire?

What?

I hate it when anyone dies.

They're always dying.

Cos they're old.

But Joan is the worstest one yet, ever.

She was my favourite.

Can I say goodbye to her?

Of course you can.

Thank you.

Wait here.

Hi, Joan.

Sorry if...

Sorry about any times we ever argued.

I miss her.

And she's not here to make me feel better.

She would've made me feel better.

If I ever used to break something... by accident,

cos I've got stumpy fingers...

I'd go, "Sorry." "It's all right, it was an accident, and you're not bad."

She'd tap me on the head...

She'd go, "It's all right,"

and it'd make me feel better straightaway.

Like magic.

And she said, "Kindness is magic, Derek."

She said it's more important to be kind than clever or good-looking.

I'm not clever or good-looking, but I'm kind.

You all right, Derek?

Yeah.

You going to go and talk to anyone?

No, I'm watching Deal Or No Deal in a minute.

You sure?

Yeah.

Mary's come to see you.

OK, darling.

Sorry Joan died.

Thank you.

Have you had something to eat?

Yeah, Pringles.

Is that all?

Yeah, I had a lot, though.

You haven't had a drink.

Tom.

All right?

Joan died.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Ah! She needs a boyfriend now, cos I'm going out with Mary.

Oh, right.

She head-butted a lady in the pub.

Did she? Yeah.

Yeah, it was a little Audrey Hepburn move.

Do you want to go for a drink?

Yes. Yeah.

Can I come?

No.

How was it, all right?

Yeah. Bit sad.

It's sad.

I like your...

Oh, thanks.

They suit you.

Oh.

Thanks.

What pub we going to?

Maybe we should go to a different one.

So you can head-butt someone else.

She's laughing.

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