Original subtitles

Hi, how are you?

Have any trouble finding the place?

I gave the direction. I told you to go to the west coast and turn left.

Come on in. Show you around.

Well, this is it.

This is where he lives.

No, no, not God. Hugh Hefner.

Hey, isn't this incredible?

This is the only house in California that has its own zip code.

I know what you're thinking. It looks like an outtake from a Fellini movie.

Actually, this is a pilot for a series called, uh, Hefner's Angels.

You don't believe any of that, do you?

What we really have here is just a typical Hefner party.

Well, maybe not typical.

The party is in honor of the Playboys Playmates.

The girls who have graced the centerfolds of Playboy magazine for over

a generation.

And they're all here today.

We need who?

Everyone. Miss November, Miss February, Miss August, Miss Conception, Miss

Delanious, and a lawsuit for misrepresentation if I don't stop

clowning around.

You know, throughout the course of the party, you'll be meeting some of the

most beautiful girls in the world, one of whom will be honored as Playmate of

the Year.

We'll also be meeting a delightful young comedian, Mr. Jay Leno.

Nashville's own sweet songbird, Barbara Mandrell, and the exciting disco sounds

of Johnny Taylor.

plus a host of celebrity guests from the world of entertainment, sports, and

ceramics.

I'm Dick Martin, and I'll be your guide through this party of playmates,

personalities, and a glimpse of what it's really like to own a piece of the

rock.

Follow me.

Hello, Dick. Come on over.

Sit down.

Well, I certainly hope I'm interrupting something.

Well, as a matter of fact, we were just discussing how much Lillian enjoys

strawberries.

Well, now, Lillian, if all he's offering you is a strawberry, I'll give you ten

of them and throw in a fruit cocktail.

That's the worst I've had all year.

Tell you what, I'll make you two dozen strawberries and an avocado.

Dick, let me introduce you, before this goes any further, to Lillian Mueller.

She's our current reigning Flamey of the Year.

Well, you sure know how to pick them. Well, let's say I've had more practice

than most people. I'd say.

But actually, of course, I don't pick the Playmate of the Year by myself.

The editors of Playboy do the final selection. We have the 12 girls. They're

reviewed in the January issue, and then one is selected each June as the

Playmate of the Year.

Lillian is our current reigning queen, and before the night is over, we're

going to pick a new one.

Born 1977.

That's beautiful.

My compliments to the editors.

And I'm a little confused, though. Mueller is a German name, and your

accent sounds a little Scandinavian.

Well, I'm actually Norwegian, but my accent is a combination of several

countries in Europe.

Ah. Say, I don't want to bring anything up, Hefner, but doesn't that girl over

there know there's an oil shortage?

I think that's all right. That's coconut oil.

This one likes strawberries, that one likes coconuts. How come all I ever get

is a lemon?

Well, let me assure you, Dick, that she's no lemon. That's Claudia Jennings,

who's Playmate of the Year from 1970.

Oh, I think you have steered me in the right direction. It's a very good year.

Hi,

Claudia.

Hi.

How'd you know my name? Are you kidding? I'd recognize you anywhere.

Weren't you in... Let's see.

Crowd scene number three, bound for glory.

Let's see. If I remember correctly, it was number five.

You're adorable.

Come on over and join the crowd. Sure.

Hello, Claudia.

Hi. Hello, Lillian.

Hi. I think it's interesting to know, I'm sure you've talked about it before,

but both of you started out the same way and now are pursuing...

Lily is kind of pursuing the same acting career that you've been doing since you

were Playmate of the Year in 1970.

1970?

That's seven years ago.

All right!

See, I can figure.

I can figure.

Who's counting?

All right. How many films have you done since then, though? I've been 23.

No kidding.

Wow, that's a lot of films.

23, yeah. Just since I was Playmate of the Year. I was knocking out about six a

year. I was very lucky.

to get to work, because I've been on stage work before.

I know you're an actor.

You're going to start to do films here.

Yeah, I did my three films in Europe, and then I decided to come out here and

break into American movies, and I realized I have to study, you know.

So that's what I'm doing now, and I think I'm getting better all the time.

You're going to study in the States.

Yes, I'm doing it here now.

If you really want to be in show business, I'm looking for a new partner.

Oh, yeah? If you could grow a mustache.

No, let me give you a bit of it. Well, don't.

Oh, you'll love the road.

I've been talking to him all the time.

Come on and join the game, will you? We need help.

you know what you did wrong.

So I was wondering, why don't you come out of the match and sit in the chair

with me and we'll referee the match together.

No, I'm sorry.

Why?

I did once with Don Ho and I missed the match.

Hey, I'll bet you're Dana House, Miss January, right?

Right. And didn't you do a picture with Hank Fonda, the last of the cowboys?

Right. And didn't you, in fact, do a Starsky and Hutch?

Right. And how about that new NBC pilot you just did?

So you're my agent, huh?

Hey, if I was your agent, you wouldn't be working swimming pools, I'll tell you

that.

Now, I read your biog in a magazine.

Oh, I see. What else did it say?

Well, it said you were a good old... fashion country girl? Well, yeah, I grew

up in Texas.

Did you? Yeah, I still love those horses and ranches. Pretty country. Oh, I love

it. Whereabouts in Texas?

Well, I was born in Dallas, and I was raised in Houston.

Went to school there most of my life. How long have you been out here?

Been out here about five years now. Ah, and a welcome sight.

Isn't this one of your co-playmates?

Yeah, Denise Michelle from Hawaii. Hi, Denise.

Hi, Denise.

How are you?

Dana tells me you're from Hawaii.

I love Hawaii.

I could live in Hawaii.

I'd like to move to Los Angeles.

You'd like to move to Los Angeles and leave that beautiful Polynesian

paradise? I don't believe that. Come on. Well, just for a little while. What

would you like to do?

I'd like to further my modeling career and maybe get some acting.

You're a model?

I try to be. I bet you'd be a good actress, too.

I don't know about that. I'll give it a try.

Are you going to give it a try? Yeah. Both of you. I think the pictures and

television could use actresses like you.

We think so.

All right, I'll tell you what. Right here, we'll cast a picture.

I'll be the... You'll be the casting director. We'll do the Andrews sisters.

I'll be Patty, you'll be Maxine, you'll be Laverne. That'd be great.

Great. I don't know about you guys, but I'm going back in the water.

Bye. I don't much blame you, and I'm going to join you.

have a swimming coach for your dog there?

Well, it's not my dog. That's Sandra's.

Sandra Theodore.

A rather special lady.

Between you and me, is she going to be Playmate of the Year? You can tell me.

Well, not this year, Dick. Maybe next.

Is she on the waiting list?

No, she hasn't even appeared in the magazine yet.

She's scheduled for our July issue.

Sandra, have you met Dick?

Hi.

Who's your friend? Alex, the Mud of the Month.

He's kicking on us.

Sandra is very protective about Alex. She actually saved him from the dog

pound. Yeah, he only cost me $11.

Oh. That's not hard.

Beth tells me you're going to be in the July issue.

What decided you to become a playmate?

Well, I was very undecided about it at first. And then I talked to people at

Playboy. I thought, what the heck? I'm having fun.

An assistant or a photographer takes three or four Polaroids of them just to

see what they look like naked, which is very harmless.

From that Polaroid, the editors and photographer look at those to see if

it warrants a test, which involves about two or three hours of real shooting.

And at that test, you shoot different angles to see how their bodies look best

and how their face looks best.

First of all, I have to gain her trust that I'm going to make her look very

beautiful, that I'm not going to infringe on her privacy or, you

know, because she's naked, she feels very vulnerable.

So you have to...

Like, become her friend and show her that you're not going to shoot gross

pictures of her so she feels relaxed.

No big deal.

We're not going to publish it just to see what you look like.

Relax.

Ready?

Okay. Let's start.

Chin down a bit.

Turn your head profile.

Chin down and look at yourself, opening your mouth.

All right, well, this takes us through the middle of the year.

And so what we're going to be looking at is from July on, right?

Mm-hmm. All right, I'd like to begin the data sheet page in the Playmate feature

with the July issue.

Okay. So I'll communicate that to Chicago.

And I think that in addition to the data material itself, if we can include some

early photographs of the girl, what we're trying to do is personalize the

girl even more and make her more of a human being.

Put your right foot up on the side of the tub.

Move it in parallel.

And put your hand, your right hand, lean it over like that.

Up there.

Okay.

Now your head up just a bit more.

Okay. Pretty good. Let's try it.

Okay, Sandra, bring your hand in your left hand in a little bit. There you go.

You have to hold this for a while

Yeah, this is going to work well.

Now, with the piano shots, I would like to get, obviously, you know, some

nudity. But I would also like to stay away from things as extreme as this.

Okay. And work towards the more natural kind of poses.

What I particularly like about her is a combination of freshness and sensuality.

And I think we definitely have July here.

It's going to work very well. Good.

You know, that'd make an interesting film, huh?

Yeah, we ought to think about filming it sometime.

You know, Sandra really personifies the sort of fresh, wholesome beauty we're

looking for. You know, the typical girl next door.

The girl next door?

Boy, do I live in the wrong neighborhood.

I'm moving in with you.

Okay.

met before, haven't we? You're Deborah Patterson?

Peterson. I only missed by one letter.

And let me take another guess. You're Miss December.

June. I only missed by one season.

Do you know my name? Dean Martin.

Dick Martin.

I only missed by a couple letters.

Touche.

All of this going on, and you say that you prefer a guy who is broke?

It depends, you know. But, you know, just that most of the guys I have met

who have been really nice, they happen to have been broke.

Wait a minute. I don't know why that is.

I don't know why that is either.

Well, I tell you, I'm going to split then, because I don't think I can go

broke soon enough for you, Lillian.

Bye-bye. You never know.

The idea is to get the ball over the net. Good.

Huh?

Oh, I'm tired.

I'm really tired. Yeah, I got so tired. My back, everything hurts.

Well, no, I'm just going to sit down just for a minute.

Okay, here.

Can I sit here?

Nobody's sitting here.

No.

I'm very tired.

I feel like I'm at a smorgasbord.

Where are you from?

St. Louis.

What? St. Louis.

St. Louis. Oh, isn't that where the elephants bury their tusks when they're

about to die?

No.

You hear a lot?

Yeah, pretty much.

I come here a lot. I like the animals. You know, I like to see the animals.

What's your name?

Patty. Patty? Patty.

Patty.

Patty. Patty.

Tell me something the way I talk.

McGuire? What's yours?

McGuire, you German?

Oh, right now.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, watch it, fella. Watch it. You want me to... Hey.

You fooling with 160 pounds of untamed love right here.

Wait a minute. How about the match? There's something wrong here. I think I

love you.

Do you want to arm wrestle me for her? That wouldn't be bad. Do you?

Should we?

Listen, read my lips. Do you want to arm wrestle me for her?

Say, I'll back him right down. She's yours.

Thanks a lot. I can see. See, the man can tell. He can see. He recognizes

strength. That's right. Thank you very much.

If he ever gives you any trouble, you let me know.

No,

uh, what?

Sweat. It said no sweat.

Kind of, the E was kind of stretched out there. And they left out the A.

Huh? They left out the A.

Ah.

Boy, this is, this is sure fun, isn't it?

You want to, you want to play some tennis?

Sure, why not?

Why not?

Because there's something else, maybe, would you like to swim?

How about a jacuzzi?

Excuse me? I said, how about a jacuzzi?

What do you, what is that?

Oh, it's really nice.

What is it?

What is it?

What, is there an echo in here? What is it?

Take him out of this room.

What is it?

Is that the thing where you sit and everybody gets hot and you sweat a lot

and everything?

Well, you don't have to sweat, no.

You don't have to sweat? It's just a lot of nice, warm, swirling water.

Good for your muscles, sore muscles.

Really? Yeah. You don't have to lift weights or nothing? No.

That's all you do in there? Sit back and relax.

Sit back and relax.

This is wonderful.

Hi. We're coming to you from...

Downtown Burbank.

I have to do this because Hefner will never let me in the house again.

You've heard about games people play?

Well, this is where Hefner plays.

A lot of people would call this a summer house.

He calls it a game house.

Come on in.

You don't remember me.

Let me think. Were we ever married?

No, not quite.

But you did paint my body once.

I painted your body once?

You don't remember.

Okay, I'm going to make it easy for you. I'm Janice Pennington, and you painted

my body on Laugh-In.

Janice Pennington, of course I remember.

Didn't you sue us? Oh, no.

No, the paint, it finally wore off. It did? Yeah.

Hello, Dick. I see you've met one of our Pennington playmates. Oh, and one of the

really pretty ones. One of my favorite people, too. Did you say one of our

Pennington playmates?

Well, you see, I was a playmate in 1971, and my sister Ann, she was Miss March

this past year.

Hey, that's wild.

Has that ever happened before? Did you ever have sisters as playmates before?

Well, we had a pair of identical twins once a few years ago, but that's it.

How about mother and daughter?

Not yet. We do have, I think one of the early playmates has a daughter that's

now working in the New York club as a bunny. Oh, that's too much. I can't

wait. Neither can I.

Hey, what does your sister look like?

Well, Ann, she's sitting right over there on the sofa. Why don't we go say

hi? Oh, you've just motivated me.

Ann Tennington. Ann, how are you?

Fine. I cannot believe that one set of parents could...

Produce these two beauties. The really beautiful part is how close the whole

family is. Ann and Janice are best friends.

Yeah, we really are. We've even worked together sometimes.

Doing what? Stopping traffic?

Well, besides that, Ann's worked with me presenting the gifts on Price is Right.

Oh, whatever the price was, I'm sure it was right.

As afternoon turns into evening, Hefner's staff is busy preparing a

poolside buffet.

The playmates are in the bathhouse doing whatever playmates do before a party.

So let's take a peek as they prepare for the fun-filled nighttime festivities to

follow.

for the day.

Why didn't they call you Looney Tunes?

Don't answer.

Come on now.

That's a hard one. What are you doing? Anybody?

Are you dating now?

Dating. You were going with some fellow, I know. Yeah, I was, but I couldn't

handle it. Was that one of your long ones? Your long relationships? It was

about two months.

That's good for you.

That's about seven weeks longer than most of them.

Nobody interesting on the horizons?

Well, I'm thinking about when it's around the corner.

Do people tell you you like Judy Holliday?

They do a lot. It's a vibrato voice.

You have a what? A vibrato kind of voice speaking.

Plus, maybe it's because I like to look at furniture and talk to furniture.

You know, you look different though.

I almost didn't even recognize you.

Listen, I have long blonde hair.

And I want it to be natural. I want to look the same in the morning. Yeah.

So I just let the roots grow out. It looks great.

You really look terrific.

Thank you, really. I must have recognized you by the pool.

Yeah. Well, I think I'll probably let you go back into your position.

Yeah, I need it. I really do.

Are you getting ready for the party?

Yeah, that's why I need it, so I can cope with everyone.

Okay. Take care.

Okay, bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, it's so good to see you again. I haven't seen you in so long.

First of all, tell me about your boyfriend in London.

Oh, he's great. I've heard all about it.

Yeah.

I know, everybody's talking, right?

Everybody's talking. There's more rumors about you than anybody around this

world.

All good, I hope.

I don't know if they're good on you, but there's lots of them.

And I heard you did a movie.

You weren't even rapping when I knew you were.

No, not really. I did a movie last summer in Mexico.

It's premiering this week, as a matter of fact, in Mexico City.

Tintorera. I was eaten by a shark. Is that the shark trip?

Far out, I heard of it.

How did you get eaten by a shark? Was it mechanical? Oh, I was straddled to it.

No, it was a real shark. It was dead. It'd been dead three days. It'd been in

a deep breeze.

Really? Are you going to make it through the party? Oh, quick. I'm going to make

it through the party. It's been 16 hours. You've got jet lag.

Still partying? I'm tough.

You are bad.

It's only going to be a three-day-long party. That's nothing.

I know.

I saw you go through, like, three different skates. That's sick.

I know, but, I mean, I saw you do three of them. You were getting so frustrated.

You're 20 pounds heavier.

So, like, so was I.

Yeah. What have you been doing?

Film? Yeah.

A lot of film. We should do series together.

I know.

I want you to get Looney Tunes.

Oh, right.

For the comic release.

Hefner's Angels.

All right. Hey, Hef.

want to produce it?

Listen, that might be a very good production for him. I think I ought to

have a little compliment.

A little visit me in Jacuzzi later.

How am I like that? All right, Laura.

Now get down to the nitty gritty. What have you really been doing?

Let's get ready for the party. You've got plenty of time to talk.

I saw your dress.

One little string. I'll sew it up for you.

Hello, love. Hello.

Good. You look fantastic.

How are you?

Hi. Hello there.

Ladies,

this is Marjo, boy evangelist, current actor.

And Marjo, this is Sandra Theodore, upcoming playmate.

And Joni Mattis, my secretary, who is also a former playmate.

Also a former playmate? I thought it usually worked the other way around.

There's quite a big difference being a secretary and being half secretary.

Yes,

I can definitely see the difference.

And the sweet lady is Joyce Nazari. Joyce was a playmate, too, back in...

What was the year?

1958.

1958?

I thought that was almost 20 years ago. Excuse me.

You could still be one today if you wanted to, really.

You know what amazes me? That between the four of us, we're covering three

decades here. Three decades of Fleming.

Looking good.

But in honor of this occasion, a very talented young man named Gary Rocklin

has made a film for us, and it's sort of a psychedelic history of the Fleming

phenomenon.

it's gonna be a four-hour film no as a matter of fact he's got the 23 years

suppressed uh suppressed yes back into uh a

little undressed back into about uh i guess about seven minutes yeah and i've

got it on the cassette uh on the tv because we're going to show it a little

later we can run it now if you'd like to

Hey, how are you? It's good to see you.

Hey,

here's a friend of mine, Christopher Lee. How are you, Chris?

Nice to see you. And you too.

See,

I have a very simple name, Jay Leno, or Lino, if people forget, but it's Leno.

Funny, it comes out to me first, you know.

Hi, what's your name?

This is Jay Leno.

Lino is all right, but it's Leno. Jay Leno, right?

The first part of our show... It's too tight!

The

first

part of our show, we have the music...

I said, look, it's all right. I said, look, it's not, it's not Mr.

Jay. I said, Jay Leno. Lino is okay, if you forget, but it's Leno.

Jay Leno, right?

I said, yeah, that's fine.

Look,

don't be nervous. Just go out and say, you know, and introduce the people.

I'm sorry I screwed it up.

Jay Leno, right?

I said, yeah.

And I sort of, well, couldn't get her out.

Now I can't get her out.

Now I can't stay in. I just want to go out everywhere. Everywhere, everywhere.

I did

Moonshine County Express with John Jackson and Bill Conrad and Maureen

McCormack was coming tonight.

Well, you look great.

Hi, Dick. Hi, baby.

Oh, long time no see.

Don't you look adorable?

Thank you. Don't you look cute?

You know, I have a feeling I introduced you.

That's my boy.

Oh, oh, oh, my.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. I don't know. Don't ask me. Please don't ask me what I'm doing.

Please don't ask me what I'm doing here.

I'll tell you what I'm doing here.

I just happen to be driving by. I wasn't even invited. I was coming to a black

tie party with just you, Hefner, my wife, and you and a gorgeous girl, and I

come here, and what do I find?

All these, nobody's dressed.

Nobody. Hold it down, will you, please? They told me to project into the bottle,

folks. Bartender, get your head out of the way.

What a night. What a night. So long.

Buttons. Looks like we got some entertainment down by the pool. You want

to come along?

Sure. We'll grab a mitt. All right. Here we go.

Everybody having a good time?

Okay, settle down. We got something kind of special for you now.

Johnny Taylor.

Well, as most of you know, this party is being held to honor a generation of

Playboy's Playmates and to announce our new Playmate of the Year.

But first of all, I'd like you to meet our current reigning Playmate of the

Year, who comes to us all the way from Norway, Miss Lillian Mueller.

Lillian, you want to come on up? Where are you?

No question as to how she got that award.

Would you like to say something?

Yeah, I just want to tell you all that this year as Playment of the Year has

been a really successful year for me and I'm very happy to be here tonight and

I'm a little bit sad because I won't have my title anymore, of course.

But I know Patty is a very nice girl and I think she really deserves a title for

the next year.

And now, and now the big moment of the evening.

I want you to meet the beautiful young woman who will represent Playboy as our

1977 Playmate of the Year from St. Louis, Missouri, our Jimmy Carter cover

girl, Miss Patty McGuire.

Patty, come on up.

Can I do anything I want to?

Anything you want. Okay.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Really, I'd like to take this opportunity.

to thank the editors and all the faithful readers of Playboy magazine for

voting me the new Playmate of the Year.

And on behalf of all the Playmates ever and myself, I'd like to thank Mr. Hugh

Hefner for creating the Playmate of the Month.

Me too.

Just look what can come from one good idea.

And a special and warm thanks to my photographer, Pompeo Posar.

If it wasn't for him, I would not be here at all. Thank you, Pompeo.

So much for the formal festivities. Everybody dance.