Original subtitles

Here's your ticket, Mr. Hyson. Thanks.

Uh, listen, I hate to ask you this,

but we have a full flight today

plus a lot of extra baggage, so, for safety's sake,

I really need to know your exact weight.

Sure.

One sixty-five.

Okay.

And--And while that vertically striped shirt

certainly does flatter you,

you really have to ask yourself,

"Do I want to tell the truth, or do I want to cling

"to this futile sense of vanity

"and be responsible for a planeload of very nice people

"plunging into the Atlantic?"

Okay, one ninety

seven.

Fine, you're under the limit.

Good thing you're not 220!

Uh, I'll take the next flight.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Do you guys know how to interpret dreams?

I've been having this really weird one

ever since my wife and I split up.

Yeah, I've read a little bit about it.

Yeah, tell us the dream. I'll give it a shot.

Okay.

I'm on a speeding train. I'm headed toward a tunnel,

I have a cigar in one hand and a snake in the other.

Then suddenly, my train jumps the track

and another train speeds into the tunnel,

and another, then another,

then another.

Then I wake up.

What do you think?

I think you're afraid of heights.

Well,

that would certainly explain the dream I've had

about sitting on top of the Washington Monument.

Uh, Roy, could I talk to you for a minute?

Please, Fay, I'm eating.

Oh, sorry. I thought you might be interested to know

that the woman who moved in next door to me

finds you very attractive.

Please, Fay, I'm eating.

Her name is Doris Benton.

She saw you when she came to pick me up from work last night.

Forget it, not interested.

Aw, come on, Roy.

Doris wants you to take her to the dance at the Beach Club.

Hey, the last thing I need is one of your old lady friends

smashing my toes with her walker all night.

She's not an old lady

and she does not have a walker.

She's standing right over there.

Get rid of her, Fay. Get rid of her.

I will not get rid of her.

You haven't even given her a chance.

Come on, Roy. She fits all your criteria,

she's breathing.

All right, I'll make her day.

It's a great gag, Fay.

When will she pull off the wig and tell him she's a man?

Gangway! Hot pizza coming through!

Fay, where's Antonio?

He's not here yet.

He's not here yet?

Oh, no. Mr. Pike is gonna kill me.

Who's Mr. Pike?

Oh, he's this hotshot lawyer who pays me

to fly his favorite pizza down from Boston,

then Antonio's supposed to take it out to his beach house.

Where is that meatball?

Now, Antonio's gonna be here very soon.

There's no need to resort to name-calling.

Hey, Helen, could you throw these in your oven?

No!

Families are out on the street starving

while this rich man is throwing away money on this kind of extravagance.

I will have nothing to do with it

and I don't think you should either, Joe.

Hey, hey, come on, look. It's the off season.

I've gotta make a living any way I can.

Then suit yourself, but my oven will not be used

for crimes against the people.

Then how do you explain yesterday's pot roast?

Hey, Joe. I'm here.

Oh, it's about time. Get these over to Mr. Pike.

I've been meaning to talk to you about this.

You get so much money to fly these pizzas from Boston.

But, I get only my regular fare

to drive them across the island.

A-Antonio, this pizza is gettin' cold.

It's not a good time to negotiate.

Seems like the perfect time.

All right, all right.

Uh, I'll give you double your fare.

I'm thinking triple.

I'm thinking I have my own car.

I am the wind.

Oh, Roy. So, uh, are you going to the dance?

No, Doris and I didn't really hit it off.

What did you say to her?

Wait, you didn't bring up your erotic candle collection, did you?

No.

We were just making chit-chat

and she suddenly got very self-conscious about her hair.

Oh, so you did say something.

I might have off-handedly mentioned

that I could see the freckles on her scalp.

Oh, Roy, how could you?

Look, Fay, Doris is nice enough,

but what can I say, she's no Sylvia.

Oh, here we go again.

Roy, you cannot keep comparing

every woman you meet to your late wife!

She's been dead 16 years.

Oh, I don't always do that!

Yeah, well, Roy, actually, you kind of do.

I mean, you did it to that woman that Fay introduced you to

from her bridge club.

You did it to the manicurist down on 4th Street...

Yeah, and don't forget that lovely Filipino woman

you ordered from the catalog.

Now, I'm sure Sylvia was a wonderful woman

and I know that you loved her very much,

but there are a lot of nice women out there, like Doris.

And if you don't give them a chance,

you're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life.

You--You can order women from catalogs?

Now, here. You call Doris and apologize.

I'm sure she'll still go out with you.

Although, it wouldn't hurt if you sent her a dozen roses

and a nice box of chocolates.

Yeah, throw in a jar of Porcelana for those freckles.

All right, all right.

Boy, I had another one of those dreams last night.

And this one has me completely baffled.

Let's hear it.

Okay, I'm naked,

I'm tied to a four-poster bed.

And I'm out of here.

At each of the posts

stands Madonna, Michelle Pfeiffer,

Kim Basinger and Julia Roberts.

Now, they're arguing over who gets me first.

Anybody?

What exactly did you have for dinner last night?

Well, what can you tell from that?

Nothing. I just want to make sure

I eat the same thing tonight.

Roy? Roy Biggins? I'd like a word with you.

I just got off the phone with Doris.

She told me about your date last night.

She said you spent the entire night

talking about your late wife.

Hey, if we don't share the same interests,

it's not my fault.

Now, Roy, I've given this a lot of thought

and here's what I think you should do.

You should go to Sylvia and talk to her.

You should visit her grave and ask her to release you.

That way you can close this chapter of your life

and get on with things.

I--I--I'm sure that Joe or Brian

would be happy to fly you up to Vermont.

Fay, the guy has six planes, let him fly himself.

What do I look like, a delivery service?

Good point, pizza man.

Besides, why would he want to go to Vermont?

His wife's buried in Boston.

No, she's buried in Vermont.

No, she's buried in...

No, yeah, remember the last time he went to pay his respects,

he brought back maple syrup and that woodpecker door knocker?

Yeah, Roy, so which is it?

Well, what's the difference?

The important thing is she's buried.

You told me your wife was cremated.

Well, what is going on here, Roy?

Yeah, Roy, one minute you can't shut up about your dead wife.

And the next minute, you can't even remember where she's buried?

Yeah, or if she's buried.

Well, maybe she is neither.

You didn't pay to have her frozen, did you?

No.

They say that Walt Disney was frozen.

Roy, you're not making sense. What'd you do with your wife?

Nothing, okay?

Well, the truth is, you see,

Sylvia's not dead.

JOE: What? FAY: What do you mean she's not dead?

She's, uh, alive

and living somewhere in Boston.

I heard they're gonna thaw Walt out for Disney World's 50th anniversary.

They say that Goofy will be throwing the switch.

What do you mean, she's alive?

You told us you used to go and visit her grave every year.

Actually, I go fly-fishing in Maine.

Well, what about the annual Sylvia R. Biggins Memorial Pancake Breakfast?

Yeah.

How do you think I paid for all those trips to Maine?

Roy, how could you lie about something like that?

To avoid conversations like this.

You... Get off my back!

(AIRCRAFT FLYING OVERHEAD)

Roy, I think...

She walked out on me, okay?

I was just too ashamed to tell the truth

so I said she died.

Oh, Roy, that's nothing to be...

What are you doing?

Petting my hamster.

Excuse me?

It's not a real hamster, all right?

My doctor gave it to me and he told me to pet it

whenever I got stressed out.

It's very calming.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Roy, you are a strange and fascinating man.

Now, to get back to Sylvia...

I know it sounds weird that I told people she was dead,

but the first time somebody asked me what happened to her,

it just popped out of my mouth.

And then, like so many other times in my life,

the lie became the truth.

Why did she leave you?

I don't know.

I went to bed one night and when I got up

the next afternoon, she was gone.

I guess I just wasn't good enough for her.

I was a failure then and I'm a failure now.

Now, that's your problem.

You're still thinking of yourself as that failure

that Sylvia walked out on.

But things have changed.

You're a successful businessman,

you're on the Town Council,

you're respected in the community...

Roy, could we give the hamster a rest?

You have a lot to offer a woman today.

A woman like Doris, for example.

You know, Fay, you're right.

I--I--I'm not the same man I was 16 years ago.

I--I have a lot to offer a woman,

a hell of a lot.

I'm gonna go see her right now.

Oh, that's the spirit, Roy! Doris will be thrilled.

Who said anything about Doris?

I'm goin' to Boston to win back my wife.

Well, there goes Roy off to Boston.

I can't help feel he's making the biggest mistake of his life.

What on earth could he be thinking?

Right now? Probably,

"I wonder if this guy sleeping next to me

"is gonna miss the rest of his Smokehouse Almonds."

Sylvia sure has a lot of power over Roy.

I wonder what she's like.

Well, she left him.

So, without knowing anything else about her,

I'd say she's got good instincts.

Well, I'm out of here. You comin', Brian?

No. I haven't filled out a flight log in two weeks.

Hey, you know, according to the FAA,

you're supposed to do that every day.

Well, sorry, but it takes me a couple of days

to think up all my little adventures.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

(SIGHING)

Roy! What...

What are you still doing here?

Uh, I forgot something.

What?

What the hell I was thinking

when I decided to go after Sylvia.

Roy, I've gotta tell you,

this whole idea of you flying to Boston

to surprise your dead wife, who's not really dead...

I know. I know. You think it's crazy...

No. It's totally cool! I mean, it's insane!

I've got a whole new respect for you, Roy.

You do?

Uh, I did, but you're not going through with it, so...

Hackett, what are the chances of this working?

Oh, Roy, who--who knows, who cares?

Roy, you gotta be a ten-percenter.

Huh?

A ten-percenter like me.

See, I'm constantly trying

stupid and outrageous stuff, right?

90% of the time it just blows up in my face.

But that's okay because I rarely use my own name.

See, the other 10% of the time when it pays off,

it is a high like you wouldn't believe.

Damn!

Why didn't I have the guts to go?

(SIGHING)

What's that?

Oh, keys to the plane.

Tell you what,

you pay for gas and we're out of here.

I--I don't-- I don't know... Come on, Roy.

What have you got to lose?

Maybe you're right, Hackett.

Roy, Roy, my boy,

you are about to join that small cadre of men

who are capable of making that grand romantic gesture.

People are just too careful today,

you know what I'm saying? That's true.

Computerized dating services, pre-nuptial agreements,

fear of commitment. I mean, let's face it, Roy,

we're living in a latex-covered society.

But you--you--you refuse to take the easy way.

You laugh in the face of adversity.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Yes.

See, Roy, Roy, you are willing to overcome

overwhelming odds.

Forget that any sane man would bet against you.

You have a mission and you will not be deterred.

Roy, think of it, think of it.

This morning your wife was dead.

But if things go your way, by this evening

you'll be sleeping with her.

I like the sound of that.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Good evening, gentlemen.

(MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

Holy crap!

Excuse me?

Uh...

Is--Is, uh, S-Sylvia here?

Yes.

Whom shall I say is calling?

Just t-tell her Roy is here.

Roy and, uh...

Siegfried.

Siegfried and Roy, perhaps you've heard of us?

Obviously not.

Hackett, look at this place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unless she's the maid who lives in the basement,

I'd say your job just got a whole lot tougher.

Maybe she just got lucky on Wheel of Fortune, huh?

Well, at least you know she likes flowers.

I think we should put these in some water somewhere.

Here, here, here, here, let me handle this.

There's gotta be a toilet around here someplace.

Is something wrong with Bijou?

Excuse me?

Bijou, my poodle.

Aren't you Roy, my poodle groomer's assistant?

Oh, my God, it's you.

(ROY GASPING)

What do you say, baby?

Oh, my God, it's you.

With a cheesy moustache.

I know, I know.

I--I can't believe I'm here myself.

How in God's name did you find me?

I called your brother, Leonard.

He told me where you were.

Leonard.

I haven't spoken to that deadbeat in 10 years.

He said you'd get a real kick out of seein' me.

What is it you want? Money?

No.

I just stopped by to see how old Sylvia's doing.

Old Sylvia's doing just fine.

But she's in the middle of a cocktail party,

so if you'll just excuse her.

No, Sylvia, wait. Just give me a minute, huh?

You left under real bad circumstances.

But things have changed for me, Syl, for the better.

I own my own airline now. I've got six planes now.

And--And I'm on the Town Council.

So?

So, I've come to take you away from all this.

Did somebody forget to take their lithium this morning?

No, no, no. Sylvia, I mean it.

I want us to be together again.

Roy, I've been married for 12 years.

Is it serious?

Roy, please.

Syl, I want us to start over. I'm a different person now.

Oh, Roy, stop.

No, we could be good together, Syl.

Roy, I have a husband!

Does he have his own business?

No. He's head of plastic surgery

at New England General.

So, he's still punching the old time clock, huh?

Syl, you--you can't be happy here.

I'm very happy here. Always?

No. Three months of the year I'm happy in Palm Beach.

Oh, wild party, wild party.

Just bumped into Luciano Pavarotti in the john.

Nice guy!

Not particularly shy, either.

Can I assume this person is with you?

Wow. You must be Mrs. Biggins.

Don't call me that, don't ever call me that.

Hey, Roy, for somebody who's been dead for 16 years,

she looks pretty good.

Dead?

You told people I was dead?

Yeah, I--I couldn't tell people you left me.

Who'd have believed it?

What do you, uh,

what do you tell people about me?

Nothing. I told them nothing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, gotta go.

Don't wanna end up behind old Luciano in the buffet line.

Nothing?

It's been 16 years, Roy.

I've made it a point

to change everything about myself,

so I would bear no resemblance

to the woman who was married to you.

I've blocked our years together completely from my mind,

I remember nothing.

Oh, come on, Sylvia, Vegas?

Gettin' trapped in the elevator with Wayne Newton?

He taught you all the words to Danke Shoen.

It doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, Sylvia. There's gotta be something

about our marriage you remember, one happy memory.

I must have done something to make you smile.

(SIGHS)

I have a very vague recollection

of our first apartment, when that Murphy bed

fell on your head and knocked you out cold.

I remember liking that a little.

And it could be like that again.

No, Roy. No, it can't.

Oh, y-your voice says no, Sylvia,

but your eyes, your eyes...

Well, they say no, too.

But... Your husband's a plastic surgeon,

who knows what your eyes are really saying?

Roy, listen to me.

I was young, I made a mistake.

But I've moved on. I suggest you do the same.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I really must get back to my guests.

Sylvia, if I walk out that door,

I'm never coming back.

Thank you for understanding.

No, no, Sylvia, I mean it.

I don't wanna hurt you,

but I've been seeing someone else.

Rush to her side.

All right, Sylvia.

You asked for it. Goodbye, forever!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Did Roy leave?

Almost. He's in the closet.

Roy, you in there?

Is she gone?

Yes, she is.

(SIGHING)

Well, I gather things didn't work out

quite the way you planned, huh?

Not exactly.

Well, the important thing is, Roy,

that you did something truly stupid.

And I'm proud of you.

And I'm taking something valuable away

from this whole experience.

What's that?

Pavarotti's overcoat.

Come on, let's get the hell out of here.