Original subtitles

Okay, so the hooker says to the gynecologist,

"My hourly rate might be higher, but at least..."

Uh, hi, Fay. Hi, Fay.

Hi. What are you fellows doing?

Brian was just telling a joke. BRIAN: Yeah.

Oh, really? I love jokes. Go on.

No, I don't want to. It's not really, you know...

Oh, no, don't be silly. Go on!

But I--I don't remember it.

Oh, sure you do, Brian.

The hooker says to the gynecologist,

"My hourly rates might be higher but..."

"But that's the way it goes."

"That's the way it goes."

Funny.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Gee, it was much funnier the way I heard it.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Fay, I just got off the phone with the tower. We're still grounded.

They're not letting anyone in and out. I think you'd better make that announcement.

Uh, attention, Sandpiper passengers,

the fog is still thick as pea soup out there.

Although I find this weather romantic, our pilots tell me

that it makes an unplanned water landing almost a sure thing. So...

All flights are postponed indefinitely.

Excuse me, but our flight's been postponed five times already.

Are we gonna get out of here today or not?

It's not looking good. I think you should check into a hotel.

Let us know where you're staying and we'll call you if there's any change.

Here, let me get you a cab. Antonio.

Can you give these people a ride, please?

Oh, this is so sad. All day long, you poor people,

paying me so much money in cab fare, going back and forth,

back and forth, to the hotel, to the airport, the hotel, the airport.

I love this fog.

No, uh, Lowell, I don't want to.

Come on!

No, but it's-- it's utter fantasy and it's pure speculation.

I'm just saying "if," Brian. I'm just saying "if."

(SIGHING)

All right, all right. If the dinosaurs were alive today,

yes, I believe a brontosaurus could eat your boat in one bite.

Ha! Ha!

It was a trick question. Everybody knows a brontosaurus was a plant-eater.

So, chew on that one, college boy.

Helen, that was delicious.

Mmm.

(LICKING HIS CHOPS)

Roy, do you have to do that after every meal?

Well, I'm sorry, Helen. I've got something stuck back there.

Ah. There she goes.

Ah. Pork.

Roy, you just had a tuna fish sandwich. Pork was yesterday's special.

Your point being?

Any word from the tower?

No, we're grounded indefinitely.

Yes! I'm out of here. Joe, I'll see you at home.

Brian, Brian, wait, you can't leave.

I've flown my maximum hours. If this fog clears, you've got to take the next flight.

You don't understand, see, there's this girl...

Tell me something, why do all your stories start like that?

Well, the Brothers Grimm had "Once upon a time," I have "There's this girl."

Who do you think was happier at bedtime, huh?

Anyway, there's this girl

and I-- She's... Hold it. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter, you've gotta stick it out here

(GROANING) like the rest of us.

Great, nothing worse than being fogged in at a deserted airport.

I hate this weather. It's so depressing.

Well, I think I know just the thing to turn those frowns upside down.

Oh, no, Fay... No...

I think it's time for Fay's Foggy Day Fun Box.

Oh, Fay, every time there's fog,

you drag that silly box out.

Fay, I don't want to play any games. I don't want to do any puzzles.

I don't want to make a pencil holder out of an orange juice can.

Would you give us a little credit here? I mean, we're all intelligent, well-read people.

Can't we just sit down and have a normal, civilized conversation?

Joe, smell the bottom of my shoe.

Dibs on Mr. Potato Head.

LOWELL: Uh, dots?

Uh, dotty?

Hello, Dotty.

Uh, I got it, Dot Man!

No!

Time's up.

Oh! Looks like we won, Roy! Mmm.

Dot Man?

Dot Man? What were you thinking?

I was thinking, Dot Man.

Snowman! Snow, man. Snowman!

Well, why didn't you just do this?

That's another way to go.

JOE: All right, all right, the plane that flies the farthest gets ten points.

Five points for any acrobatic feats. Three points for a perfect landing.

Now, anything that goes behind Roy's counter

or to the left of the passenger waiting area is out of bounds.

In the event of a tie, we'll have a fly-off...

Joe, you're sucking the fun out of this game.

This is a game? I thought I'd died and gone to the boring part of hell.

All right, okay, fine. Let's just go. I'll go first.

Look out, here. Ready? Here we go.

Hold it. Do-over. Get out, a do-over!

What are you talking about, do-over?

Yeah, well, normally there wouldn't be a do-over,

but you didn't let me get to that rule, so... No, forget it!

No, forget it! My turn. Go ahead.

Do-over.

It's a do-over. No do-overs.

Orville and Wilbur, no do-overs. It's my turn.

Italian design.

Fay, no, uh, I think we've squeezed enough fun out of the Foggy Day Fun Box.

Oh! Not so fast.

We still have Chinese checkers, Etch-a-Sketch...

(GASPING) Wildlife sticker books.

Brian, Brian, Brian! Why don't you do that thing that you do at parties?

You know, the hypnosis thing? Something, anything. Let's go. Right.

You know how to hypnotize people?

Yeah, it's one of the few things I picked up in the Caribbean

that I didn't have to take penicillin for.

Madam, may I borrow your pendant? Yes.

This is such a crock. You don't know how to hypnotize people.

He doesn't know how to hypnotize people. Oh, yeah?

Well, why don't you just put your money where your big mouth is? Or are you chicken?

All right, fine, Kreskin. You go ahead, take your best shot.

Now, mind you, I've only used this on women,

so if Joe starts coming on to me, don't be alarmed.

Now, Joe, I just want you to follow the pendant, back and forth,

back and forth, back and forth...

Ooh, I'm getting sleepy.

Shut up. Back and forth, back and forth...

Okay, now, Joe, I'm going to take you out of the spell.

When I clap my hands, you'll wake up and remember nothing,

yet still cluck like a chicken

every time you hear the word, "tortilla."

You see, I told you it wouldn't work.

(CLUCKING) Tortilla.

What? What's so funny?

Me next. Me next. Do me.

Sit down, Lowell.

JOE: Is he under?

It's hard to tell. He always has that look on his face.

Now, what should we have Mr. Mather do for us?

Rotate my tires.

What's funny about that?

Nothing. It's just time to have them rotated.

I know. I know. Get him to tell us his deepest, darkest secret.

You can't get people to do things against their will.

Yeah, you're probably right. Tortilla.

(CLUCKING)

Lowell,

tell us your deepest, most darkest secret.

Once, when I was out of underwear...

(ALL EXCLAIMING) HELEN: Oh, God! Please!

Ask him something else! Okay. Okay.

Lowell, what is your fondest memory?

Once, when I was out of underwear...

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I think we've had about enough fun with Lowell.

Yes, I think you're right.

Okay, Lowell, when I clap my hands you will wake up and remember nothing.

Me next. Me next. Do me.

I'm sorry, Lowell, you'll just have to wait your turn.

Okay, who's next? Up, step right up. Helen, what about you?

Oh, no, no, no. Now, don't waste your time, Brian.

Remember last New Year's Eve?

You tried to put me under so I would do something stupid and humiliating?

And it didn't work.

Okay, Juanita, the Mexican Jumping Bean, passes.

So, who's next?

Roy, come on.

Now, come on. Okay, go ahead, Hackett. Go ahead.

Give me your best shot. But I've got to warn you,

you can swing that thing till you got arthritis,

nobody can make a Biggins do what he doesn't want to do.

My bones denounce the buckboard bounce

And the cactus hurts my toes

Let's vamoose where girls keep wearing those silks and satins and linens it shows

And I'm all yours in buttons and bows

Brian, is Roy going to remember doing that?

No, not if I don't want him to.

Can you make me forget?

Hey, Brian, since Roy was so anxious to hear

everybody else's deepest and darkest secrets,

let's find out his.

Okay. Oh, please don't.

I'm disgusted enough by what he admits.

Come on, come on, how often do we have him at our mercy?

Yeah. All right. All right.

Okay, Roy...

Roy, tell us your deepest and darkest secret.

I once did a bad thing.

Hmm. Sounds promising. What kind of bad thing?

Wrong, evil, money.

Money? What money?

I stole $250,000.

What?

You stole $250,000?

Man. That's a lot of tortillas.

(CLUCKING)

$250,000, Roy?

You stole $250,000?

Helen, stop! What are you doing?

He's got $250,000 and he's still stiffing me on tips!

Roy, who did you steal it from?

I'm pretty sure it wasn't from me.

I went for Sunday dinner to my favorite restaurant,

Ollie Anderson's Little Taste of Oslo.

All you can eat for $5.

So, what happened?

I can't believe what I did. I can't believe what I did!

What?

I filled up on salad and bread.

The money, Roy. What about the money? Oh.

I dropped a meatball and when I reached down I found a briefcase full of cash.

I can't believe what I did.

Oh, don't tell me you ate the meatball.

No. I kept the money.

What happened to the meatball?

He became a mechanic at the airport.

Did you ever find out whose money it was?

I read in the newspaper about some old geezer

who kept his life savings in a briefcase and left it

in a Norwegian restaurant.

It could have been him, but why jump to conclusions?

I remember reading about that poor man.

Hey, Roy, Roy, where is the money now?

I buried it in my backyard.

That means he's still got it.

HELEN: Roy, did you spend any of the $250,000?

Oh, I bought a couple of suits.

Okay, he's got all but $75.

Make him tell where he buried it.

All right, right, right. Roy, where exactly did you bury the money?

Six paces straight back from the southwest corner of my house.

But I'm gonna dig it up tomorrow.

The neighbors are getting nosey.

What do we do?

Let's just wake him up and get him out of here. Then we can figure something out.

(PHONE RINGING) BRIAN: All right. All right.

Okay listen, Roy, Roy, when I clap my hands, you will wake up

and not remember a thing.

What are you people looking at?

Oh, nothing, Roy. You were right. You're one tough cookie to hypnotize, Roy.

Well, I'm sorry to kill your fun, Hackett. But I warned you.

Okay, that's it. The weather service says the fog isn't lifting.

We're closed for the night.

That's all I needed to hear. I'm off to Ollie Anderson's.

For some reason I have a taste for sardine loaf.

Hmm. You think you know somebody.

Yeah, all these years, who knew he liked Norwegian food?

So what are we going to do?

Perhaps we should call the police.

Yeah, right. And what are we going to tell them?

That under hypnosis, Roy confessed to a major crime,

right after singing a medley of show tunes?

Well, look, this poor old guy lost his life savings.

We have to do something for him.

What do you suggest?

We go to Roy's house, dig up his yard and give the guy back his money?

Well, I was going to suggest a bake sale, but...

Well, if we're gonna do it, let's do it now.

'Cause you heard him. He's gonna dig up the money tomorrow.

Wait, you really want to do this? You want to dig up Roy's yard?

Well, you got a better idea?

Yeah, we sit Roy down and reason with him.

I'm sure he'll see the error of his ways and he'll give the guy back the money.

I've got some shovels in my trunk.

(DOG BARKING)

All right. All right.

This is the south--southwest corner. I'll just start pacing it from here. Okay?

One, two... Wait that's not a pace, that's a stride.

A pace is much shorter than that.

You must also take into account they are Roy's legs.

Roy's legs.

One, two...

I'd call that mincing.

I'd call that irritating.

Oh, for Pete's sake. One, two, three,

four, five, six.

Now, let's all sing a spiritual and start digging.

Okay, um, Joe and Brian, you take the first shift.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who made you road boss?

I brought the cocoa and marshmallows.

I would follow this woman to the gates of hell.

Hey, has anybody actually ever been in Roy's house?

BRIAN: God forbid.

From here I can see orange shag carpet...

Oh, on the bar one of those little plastic boys

that tinkles bourbon into your glass...

Ooh! And a picture of Emmett Kelly made entirely of macaroni shells.

Boy, it must be nice to be rich.

No, no, no. I've got it. I've got it.

Noah's Ark, below deck, 39th day at sea.

That's a smelly moment, Joe. Smelly moment.

No, but what we're looking for is the smelliest moment in history.

For example,

the signing of the Declaration of Independence,

middle of summer, 100 guys in a room, windows shut,

wearing powdered wigs and heavy velvet suits,

and Ben Franklin asks, "Whose cheese is this?"

Here's one, here's one. The bubonic plague,

high noon, on throw-out-your-dead day.

I can't believe we've been digging this long and still haven't found that money.

(EXCLAIMING)

I think I found something.

(GRUNTING)

It's just another stupid car battery.

I can't believe all the stuff Roy's got buried back here.

Dead car batteries, spray paint cans, varnish, pesticides.

This place looks like Roy's Love Canal.

Doesn't he know there are places to dispose of these things?

Apparently Toys for Tots caught onto his little scam.

Well, okay everybody, the marshmallows are just about melted in the hot chocolate.

The marshmallows are already in there?

What have I been eating?

Oh, my goodness, Lowell. You've been eating toadstools.

You must have picked them up when you dropped the bag of marshmallows.

Ah. I didn't think that marshmallows had stems.

However, that would explain

the wild hallucinations I've been having for the last half hour.

Lowell, how could you do something like that?

I don't believe people with antlers have the right to criticize.

What's this? Ooh! It's a hot tub!

How about that? Roy's putting in a hot tub.

I wonder where he's going to put it.

As near as I can tell from these plans,

roughly about six paces from the southwest corner of his house.

Well, we sure put a crimp in his plans.

We just dug a great big hole right there!

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we've been had.

I'm confused.

You think you're confused? Check out the look on that giant frog.

Roy wasn't hypnotized.

He faked the whole thing to get us to dig this hole for his stupid hot tub.

But he did that silly little dance in the terminal.

Yeah, small price to pay to get out of digging for the weekend.

He set us up.

I can't believe we've been freezing our maracas off so Roy can soak his in hot water.

We've got to do something to get him back.

I think it's time to call my Uncle Pasquale.

They call him The Plumber.

He's a hit man?

No, he's a plumber.

He'll hook this thing up, charge Roy an arm and a leg.

Somebody give me a hand over here.

I just dropped all my fingers.

(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)

(DOG BARKING)

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(SNICKERING)

(HUMMING A TUNE)

That's close enough.

Hey, Roy.

Hi, guys. What are you doing here?

Yeah, we know about the hot tub, mister.

It was a pretty good trick, huh?

Ooh, I'm hypnotized.

Yeah, you really got us good that time, Roy.

ROY: I sure did.

But just to show you guys there's no hard feelings,

any time you're in the mood for a nice, relaxing hot tub,

you can go blow bubbles in your bathwater.

I want to tell you guys, digging that dirt, that was sweet enough.

But for you to haul it away, that was above and beyond the call of duty.

(ROY SPUTTERING)

Okay, guys.

Okay, you've had your fun. Now, come on, get me out of here.

See you, Roy. Goodbye.

So long, Roy.

Get-- Get me out of here, you guys.

Get me out of here. Lowell?

Roy,

you might want to consider running the vacuum a little more often.