Original subtitles

I guess I was 18

when I knew insurance was going to be my life.

God, I love it.

Just the other day, I was talking to this guy,

40 years old, married, two kids,

wants a $50,000 universal life policy.

Well, I said to him, "My friend, you're a smoker,

"your family has a history of heart disease

"and you're in a high-risk occupation."

I mean, according to my actuarial table,

this guy is...

Hey! Okay! Okay! Okay!

(PANTING)

Sorry. You know,

you--you get me talking about insurance,

I just lose myself.

Hey, who doesn't, huh? Yeah.

By the way,

what company carries the policy on your plane?

You know, I'll bet their rate on a million dollar comprehensive

can't compare to the rate that I...

Hey!

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Are you sure?

D-D-Did you see identification?

Okay. Okay, then. It must be true. Uh-huh.

(WHISTLES)

So, did you find out who they are?

Walter says they're Secret Service agents.

Secret Service?

They're here doing a security check on the airport.

You know, I forget. Uh, after they do a strip search,

should you tip them or will a simple smile suffice?

(PHONE RINGING)

You know, my father was in the Secret Service.

Really?

No, wait. That's not right.

Oh, he lied to stay out of the service

and I'm supposed to keep it a secret.

(STAMMERING) Why are they here?

Air Force One is landing here next week

on the way to Kennebunkport.

This is the political opportunity of a lifetime.

I'm gonna have my picture taken with the President.

If I can just get to touch Mrs. Bush, my streak will continue.

What are you babbling about?

Uh, well, I've touched every First Lady in the last 50 years.

It--It all started when I was a toddler.

My father took me to hear President Roosevelt speak,

and his wife, Eleanor, patted me on the head,

and I've touched every First Lady since then.

Mamie Eisenhower?

Touched her.

Bess Truman? Touched her.

Pat Nixon?

Touched her.

Well, I accidentally knocked her down in the process,

but that counts.

Fay, Gail and I are gonna go into town for lunch, all right?

Okay. Uh, Joe,

did you hear who's coming to Nantucket?

Yes, I did.

You know what this means for me, don't you?

Yeah. Another entry in your FBI file.

Say, Joe, I went to gas up the plane.

Uh, Steve Tolman said no more fuel till you pay the bill.

Steve Tolman? What happened to Bob?

He always lets us slide on our bill.

They fired him for letting everyone slide on their bill.

Oh. Uh, honey, I'll be back in a minute.

I've got to straighten this out.

(AIRCRAFT ENGINE WHIRRING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Hi, Helen.

Hi, Gail.

How are you?

Fine.

Why are these moments between us always so uncomfortable?

(SIGHING) I don't know. I guess it's because

I'm Joe's ex and you're his "why?"

Why?

I don't know. Maybe because he got tired of looking at the top of your head.

Hey, I'm short, you know? There's no denying it.

Oh. Those are really cute shoes.

You know, sometimes they don't come in the larger sizes.

Ah, the subtle humor of a fry cook.

At least I work for a living.

Well, you've got a point.

Investigative journalism is really more of a career.

Oh, right. I read your last article,

"Breezy Bermuda: Jewel of the Atlantic."

Tsk, just where are you going to put the Pulitzer?

I can't expect you to understand the process.

But that started out as a serious piece

and my editor did a hatchet job on it.

Is that the same guy that does your hair?

Big talk from someone whose roots are blacker

than Alex Haley's.

You pig!

How dare you!

Oh, like that's the first time you've heard that today.

GAIL: No, just the first time

from someone with a trailer park accent.

That's it!

(WOMEN SHOUTING) Hey! Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait!

What is going on here?

Did you hear what she said to me?

I'm gonna knock your butt off!

Anytime, half-pint! Anytime!

Let me go! Let me go, Joe. Let me go.

Give me a hand here.

(GIGGLING)

What the hell was going on out there?

Joe! Hey, why are you pickin' on me?

Why don't you drag Bigfoot in here?

Helen, knock it off.

This bologna between you and Gail has got to stop.

Why are you blaming me? She's the one egging it on.

You just don't see that 'cause you're in love.

Now, listen. Listen to me. Listen to me.

You two are the most important women in my life.

But this constant bickering is driving me crazy.

Gail is not gonna go away.

So you have got to make an effort to be civil to her.

Or what?

Or...

You and I can't be friends anymore.

All right. I'll apologize to her.

But if she so much as looks at me the wrong way,

I'm gonna kick her bony butt right back to Capitol Hill.

That's my girl.

HELEN: Gail, um...

I just want to tell you that

what just happened out here, I'm really sorry.

I--I was out of control.

No, Helen. It's totally my fault.

See, I told you it was all...

It was both of our faults.

So, truce?

Yeah, okay.

That's better.

Hey, you know, I just had the craziest idea.

BOTH: What?

Well, Gail and I were supposed to go out to lunch,

but I gotta handle this fuel problem,

so why don't you two go out together?

Oh, no. I don't think so Oh, gosh, I don't...

Come on, now. Come on.

I think if you two spend a little time together,

you'd find you have a lot in common.

Well, gee. Joe, we just hugged and everything.

Don't you think that's enough?

Come on, it's one lunch out of your life.

Come on. For me. For Joe. For Joey.

Please.

How much longer do you want to listen to this?

I'll drive.

Have fun.

Joe? Joey.

I watched you trade away

a Carl Yastrzemski rookie baseball card.

Saw you turn down a date with Kathy "My Parents Are Out Of Town" McBride.

I even stood there stupefied as you bought an AMC Pacer.

But this,

my brother, is by far,

the stupidest thing I have ever seen you do.

Look, I am just trying to stop this constant fighting,

and that car handled beautifully.

So did Kathy McBride.

Look at it this way, Joe.

At least while Gail and Helen are arguing,

they're not comparing notes about you.

Come on. You don't think they would do that, do you?

Joe, when you fell off the turnip truck,

did it back over your head?

Brian is right. That's how women are.

Just the other day,

two women got into my cab, total strangers.

Within two minutes, they are talking about their love lives

in the most graphic detail.

How'd you handle it?

I took the long way.

I had so much fun today!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Who would have thought that one lunch

would change our whole relationship?

Well, one lunch and two bottles of wine.

Maybe I should go.

This is Joe's house

and he's not expecting me to be here.

I'm cooking dinner for him anyways.

It's no harder to cook for three.

Well, okay.

Do you know where Joe keeps his steak sauce?

Under "S."

You're kidding. The kitchen's alphabetized?

Oh, you don't know the half of it. Check this out.

All the handles on the pots and pans

all face the same direction. Due north.

Joe is the greatest guy,

but where does this stuff come from?

I don't know.

I mean, that thing about the shoes.

Isn't that weird?

Oh, the man can't sleep at night

if his shoes in the closet are touching.

Oh, I am so glad I have someone to talk to about this.

It is so bizarre.

One night, while Joe and I were in bed,

I got up...

I'm sorry. Is it okay for me to talk like this?

I mean, since you... Oh, please!

I'm so over Joe, it's not even funny.

Good. 'Cause this one will kill you. Oh, great.

I got up while he was asleep, touched his loafers together,

and, swear to God, the man sat bolt upright!

No! No! Yes! Yes!

You want some more wine?

Does Joe iron his T-shirts?

As long as you're comfortable with this,

could we spend a moment on "the clench"?

Oh, the butt thing? Yes!

What is it? He can't walk by a mirror

without checking himself out.

Yeah, that's it!

And he doesn't think anybody notices! Anybody notices!

It goes on all the time.

Really.

Okay. As long as we're sharing secrets...

What?

Has Tarzan made an appearance yet?

What?

Oh, I'll be right back.

Oh.

(GIGGLES)

Hey, Gail.

Hi! Hi.

What are you laughing about?

Nothing.

So, uh, how'd things go with you and Helen today?

(STIFLING LAUGHTER)

Oh, we had a wonderful time.

I guess you did.

She didn't even come back to work.

So, uh, what'd you two talk about?

Stuff.

Stuff? Well, what kind of stuff?

Joe, if you want to know if Helen and I talked about you,

why don't you just ask?

Okay. Did you talk about me?

Joe! When two intelligent women get together

they have more to talk about than men.

We talked about politics and music, art.

I was very impressed. Helen's really quite sophisticated.

(HELEN MIMICKING TARZAN YODELING)

(LAUGHING)

Helen!

Joe!

I mean, Lord of the Jungle.

(BOTH WOMEN LAUGHING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

FAY: Oh, look, the plane door is opening!

Now, remember, when I stop the President and shake his hand,

that's your cue to take the picture.

I haven't been this excited since Nancy Reagan told me

to get out of her face or she'd have me arrested.

AGENT: Okay, everybody, back.

Let's clear a path, lots of room.

Here they come!

Hey! It's Millie! It's Millie the dog!

Take off your hat, son. It's the President's dog.

All right, folks. The show's over.

Hey, hey, hey! Where's the President?

The President and Mrs. Bush won't be deplaning.

Then what are they doing here?

Millie needed some stitches removed

and her vet's vacationing on the island.

Fay, it is so sad.

Your streak must come to an end.

Oh, I'm not giving up that easily.

I had to hurdle a barbeque pit to touch Lady Bird Johnson.

PILOT: How about if we send out an autographed picture

of the First Lady, ma'am? Over.

Uh, that's very sweet,

but I'm afraid I have to actually touch Mrs. Bush.

I thought the pilot of Air Force One

might have a little influence,

but I guess I was mistaken. Over.

PILOT: Okay.

What if they bring out Mrs. Bush's scarf

and you touch that? Over.

Garments only count if she's in them.

I'd-- I'd hate to break my streak on a technicality.

Over.

PILOT: Stand by. I'll ask the First Lady.

(SIGHS)

PILOT: Okay. Come on out. Over.

Oh, really? Oh, that's wonderful!

Just give me a minute and I'll freshen up. Over.

PILOT: Ma'am, I'd get out here

before Sununu gets wind of this. Over.

I'm-- I'm on my way over.

I mean, I'm on my way. Over.

I mean, I'm hanging up.

(IN SINGSONGY VOICE) Oh, Roy!

Guess where I'm going! Where?

Mrs. Cochran? Right this way.

You're kidding? You're going out there?

Oh, Fay. Fay, you've got to take me with you!

Don't be such a goose, Roy.

A-And now if you'll excuse me, I have a First Lady to touch.

No, no! Hey, no. This is not fair!

I am a fellow elected official! She's nothing!

I demand to have my picture taken with the President!

ROY: Oh!

Hey, gorgeous.

Whoo! Whoa!

You're not gorgeous!

You're not so hot yourself.

Uh, I mean you're not Gail. What are you doing here?

I'm making our dinner.

Our dinner?

Yeah. It was late when we got out of the movies

and Gail asked me if I wanted to stay.

We ended up seeing Thelma and Louise.

I don't know why, but that movie just speaks to me.

When the two of them blew up that guy's truck, we laughed.

Uh, where--where is Gail? I need to talk to her.

Oh, she went to get some dessert.

All right. Listen, Helen. Uh, since Gail is gone

there's something I need to talk to you about.

Yeah?

Uh, well, you know, the three of us

have been spending a lot of time together lately,

and--and, uh...

Well, do you think that Gail and I

could have a little more time to ourselves?

Oh! Yes, Joe. Sure.

I mean, my mom didn't raise an idiot.

Except for my sister, who married that boob from Hawaii.

Thanks. I knew you'd understand.

Sure. No problem. I'll leave right after dinner.

I'm gonna see Gail tomorrow anyway.

We're going shopping together.

W-What is it with you and Gail, anyway?

I mean, you spend so much time together.

What do you mean?

I mean, you're never apart.

Well, may I remind you, Joe, that it was you

who wanted us to get together in the first place?

Yeah, for lunch. You know, "Gee, this is nice,

"let's do this again sometime, but we never will" lunch.

Now you two are practically joined at the hip.

Don't you think it's just a little weird

that your new best friend happens to be my girlfriend?

Don't tell me that you're worried

about Gail and I trading secrets about you.

No. I realize that's all just good-natured ribbing.

Think I handled that very well.

Hey, I've been meaning to put that lock

on my underwear drawer for weeks.

Then what is it, Joe?

I just find the whole thing a little suspicious.

Suspicious? What are you suggesting?

That I'm trying to come in between the two of you?

Ooh! Sounds like somebody's a little insecure about their relationship.

Oh, Helen, that is ridiculous!

My relationship with Gail has never been on firmer ground.

Why? Did she say something to you about it?

See, there's doubts.

Oh, that wasn't a doubt.

It was a question, a simple question.

Can't a guy ask a simple question?

Oh, you'd like there to be some doubts, though, wouldn't you?

What?

Well, you're the one that brought this whole thing up.

I mean, maybe that is what this is all about.

You coming between me and Gail.

Why on earth would I want to come between you and Gail?

Well, I'll tell you why. Uh, because you're not over me.

Oh, please! I can't believe you said that to me!

Oh, no, wait. Of course. No, this makes sense.

I found someone else and you didn't

and you couldn't stand that!

Oh, how could I have been so stupid!

You obviously worked at it.

Hey, Joe, I am so over you, it's not even funny.

Yeah. You wish you were over me.

You wish you were all over me.

You know what I think?

I think you're the one not over me yet.

(CHUCKLING) Ha!

Oh, I feel nothing for you! Yep.

Uh--Uh, less than nothing.

I'm more attracted to that piece of meat.

Oh, yeah? Then why don't you kiss it?

You know, uh, that really wasn't a kiss.

This is more of a kiss.

Yeah. That was more like your kisses, cold and dead.

What the hell was that? Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know. I don't know.

One minute we're spanking each other with meat,

the next minute it got weird.

What is wrong with us, Joe?

What are we, animals?

Yeah, I think so.

Hi, guys.

Oh!

Gail, uh, this is not what you think. Gail...

No?

I think you were kissing Helen.

Okay. Maybe it is what you think, but, uh...

HELEN: Gail, I'm so embarrassed.

Look. Look, there's a really good explanation

for what was going on here.

I'm waiting.

Oh, you want to hear it?

You know, I don't know why I should be surprised by this.

The more I saw you two together,

the more I realized there were still unresolved feelings.

Gail, listen... No, no. It's obvious.

What you and Helen have is really kind of special.

What you and I have is really kind of special.

What Helen and I have is really kind of special.

What the three of us have is really kind of sick.

Wait, Gail. Gail, wait. Can't we talk this out?

Depends.

If you can honestly tell me

that you don't have any feelings for Helen,

I will be glad to sit down and talk this out.

Can you honestly tell me that?

Well, I guess I have my answer.

Gail, wait.

No, please! I would like to just leave

while we can still be friends.

Well, I'm... I hope we still can be.

Oh, I was talking about me and Helen.

Whoa.

I know.

She just... I know.

Wow.

And then there were two.

You must be talking about you and this veal,

'cause I am out of here. Wait, wait, wait.

But--But we--we have some talking to do.

About what?

What? About what just happened here.

That was incredible! That was pure passion. You can't deny that.

Just because you act crazy for a minute,

doesn't mean you check into an asylum.

I mean, we had something once.

It took me a long time to get over it.

But I'm in a really good place now.

I'm independent and I really like my life.

And I really can't get back into this.

So, no offense,

but then there was one.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Lucy, I'm home from the club!

Wow.

Hey, either a cow exploded in here

or you took a page out of the Brian Hackett Cookbook.

Look, Joe. Beautiful and biodegradable.

Listen, Brian, don't-- don't start with me. All right?

I don't think anyone on this planet has had a worse day than mine.

This is News Update. I'm Edwin Newman.

In Nantucket, Massachusetts today, a man was arrested

while attempting to sneak aboard Air Force One.

Town councilman, Roy Biggins, was taken into custody

after repeatedly demanding this his picture be taken with the President.

Biggins is currently undergoing

psychiatric evaluation.