Original subtitles

BRIAN: Seven.

LOWELL: Eight.

Nine.

Hey, uh, hello.

Ten.

Eleven. I'm having soup here.

Sooner or later one of you guys is gonna miss.

Then what?

The end of life as we know it.

Hey, uh, come on, Lowell.

This is really making me nervous.

Would you take that outside?

Okay.

But wouldn't playing catch by myself basically just be

throwing the ball away?

All right, fine. I'll leave.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Oh, come on. Would you just relax?

Joe, can I...

Oh!

You got to smile at the irony, Joe.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Hi.

I need a one-way ticket to Hyannis, please.

With pleasure. Our normal fare is $60.

But we here at Aeromass like to honor our troops

with a half price discount.

30 bucks? Great. Appreciate it.

Why, Roy, what a nice thing to do.

Well, it's just my little way of saying thanks to our troops

for the job they did over in Saddam's sandbox.

One-way ticket to Hyannis, please.

That'll be $90.

Roy!

I got to make it up somewhere.

If she wants a better rate, let her enlist.

Hey, Helen. How was the date last night?

I don't want to ever speak to you again

as long as I live.

Sounds like something one of my dates would say.

Usually preceded by, "Don't touch that."

How could you set me up with such a weirdo?

What, Red Hastings?

I thought you two would have a lot in common.

Like what?

Well, you're both desperate.

Do you have any idea why they call him Red?

Oh, I get it.

You're turned off by red hair?

No. I like the hair.

I don't... I even don't mind the red car.

But the red shoes,

the red jacket, the red shirt,

the red pants, the red socks,

the red carpet, the red couch, the red cat.

Red cat?

He dyed it. He dyed his cat!

Just take a wild guess what movie we rented.

Blue Velvet.

Reds.

The man thinks it's funny.

It is funny.

His name's Red.

I appreciate your trying to get me into circulation

after Joe dumped me.

But from now on,

I'll take care of my own love life.

Could've been worse.

His nickname could've been Stinky.

Hey, look at this.

The new L. L. Bean and J. Crew catalog

came on the same day.

Oh, I feel like stopping what I'm doing

and writing down how I feel.

Hey, Helen. Can I get a...

So I heard you went out with Red Hastings last night.

And I had a lovely time, thank you.

Okay, fine. It just seemed like sort of a weird choice to me.

I mean, he's got that thing about the color red.

Oh, really? I didn't notice.

(CHUCKLING) I hear he's got red cats.

One! One red cat.

Can't a man have one red cat?

You know, it's a sad day in this country

when a man with a simple, little eccentricity

is labeled the village idiot.

(GRUNTS)

Hear, hear.

Oh, uh, look, as long as everybody's here,

I--I'd just like to say something.

I know what kind of people you are

and I know you like to make a big deal

about everyone's birthday,

but now that I'm firmly entrenched in my 30s,

I prefer not to have my birthday recognized.

I'd just like to let this day slip by like any other day.

No cards, no gifts, no nothing.

And, uh, if any of you were planning a party,

I don't want one.

Today is your birthday?

Well, yeah.

I thought it was last week.

No. It's today.

But, uh, I'm serious. I don't want you to do anything.

Oh, let us do a little something.

No. No. I have reached the age

when your birthday doesn't mean you're getting a year older,

it means you're getting a year closer to death.

Joe, you should not feel that way.

You know what they say, "Life is like a fine wine."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get better with age.

Only up to a point.

Then you turn sour, everything settles to the bottom,

and they can't get rid of you fast enough.

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

Thank you.

Uh, did anybody else hear what Joe just said?

Yeah, he doesn't want a party.

Uh, uh, no, I mean, really hear what he said.

He doesn't want a party for his birthday?

I think what Joe's saying is that he really would like a party.

No. I was sitting right there, Fay.

I know what I heard.

The point I'm laboring to make is,

I think Joe would really like to have a party.

You didn't hear the words hearing aid from me.

Come on, let's do it up big and have a real party.

Yeah. That sounds pretty good, actually. Yeah.

Why not? Uh, let's see, uh...

Oh, we could do a circus theme.

We could do the terminal over like a big top

and hang a trapeze from the balcony,

sell cotton candy and all dress up in clown suits.

Too much?

Maybe a tad.

Um, surprise parties are always nice.

I know it's really short notice but I know that Helen and I...

Helen, we could put something together for tonight.

I'm very excited.

I've already found the perfect gift.

Twenty-four carat gold, silk-lined,

hand-engraved cigarette case.

Yeah, Antonio, Joe doesn't smoke.

Well, I still have a few hours left.

Maybe I'll find something else on the floor of my cab.

That's right. We want, "Happy Birthday, Joe"

spelled out in chocolate frosting.

Uh-huh.

We need it for tonight.

We're having a surprise party for him in the hangar.

Oh, oh, and, Thelma, put a couple of clowns on top.

I'll take the heat.

Say, uh, Helen,

the buzz around the airport is

that you're available for discreet introductions.

Great. Now you're gonna try to set me up with somebody.

Well, not just somebody. It's my cousin Bevo.

Lowell, I'm really not interested. Thank you.

Well, I g-got his picture right here in my pocket.

Lowell, I'm telling you, I have no...

Whoa! Hunk a doodle doo.

Well, if that means that you are interested,

I'm going to see him at the hospital right now.

You're kidding. He's a doctor?

No. He just hangs around outside the pathology lab

to see if they throw out anything that he can use.

Fay, uh, bad news.

They just called an emergency town council meeting.

I--I can't make Joe's party tonight.

Oh, well, this is perfect, Roy.

Now your gift to Joe can be not showing up.

I think it'll be his favorite.

Fay, you planned this party so fast,

you and I completely forgot.

We volunteered to man the suicide hotline tonight.

Is that tonight? Yes.

Well, uh, can't we just leave the machine on?

Fay.

Well, no one ever calls.

Well, you don't have to sound so disappointed.

Oh, all right.

I think it looks like the big party is just gonna be

you and Lowell and Antonio.

Can you give me that hotline number?

Why don't we just plan the party for tomorrow night?

Is that all right?

In fact, that'll be even better

because he'll never suspect it the day after his birthday.

Right.

Uh, you know, Helen,

I hope it's not wrong, but, um,

we spent so much time training to work that hotline

and then you sit there night after night, and nobody ever calls

and it gets to be kind of depressing.

I mean, I only want to help someone.

Well, there's been so many layoffs

and, you know, the divorce rate is up.

It looks like rain tonight.

You know, you're right.

Maybe we'll get lucky.

Oh, Gail, your birthday present came in the mail today.

Thank you so much.

I like it? I love it.

Of all the things you could've brought me from Argentina,

nothing would've made me happier than a gaucho hat.

No. I--I will cherish it.

Every time I look at it, I'll think of you.

Yeah. Oh, oh, I wish you could be here.

I found out they're throwing me a surprise party.

Yeah. I didn't want them to go through all the trouble,

but now that they have,

it's kind of flattering.

Yeah, the only thing I don't know is

how they're going to spring it on me.

Excuse me, Joe... Oh, sorry.

Hold on a second. No, no, no. It's okay.

Listen, Gail, I got to go. I'll call you back later, okay?

Yeah, me, too. Bye, bye.

Uh, Joe, were you serious about not wanting to do anything special

for your birthday tonight?

Yes, I was. Oh, good.

Because Ed from Ed's Freight and Storage called

and he wants to know if somebody can be here about 8:00 tonight

to sign for a delivery.

It's probably those new seats you ordered for the plane.

Well, can't he just bring them in the morn...

Oh.

Tonight you say?

Really?

Isn't 8:00 a little late for a delivery?

Well, uh, Ed's swamped, and we're the last ones on his list.

Oh, well, isn't Ed the busy one?

Well, I would've asked someone else,

but you're the only one who can stay.

Everybody else has plans.

Everybody? What social butterflies.

All right, Fay. I'll stay.

I got some paperwork I can finish up till Ed gets here.

Just hope Ed isn't too late.

Good. I'll tell Ed you're gonna be here.

(MAN WHISTLING)

(ENGINE RUNNING)

You Joe Hackett?

Yeah.

Ed, Ed's Freight and Storage.

You're Ed? I didn't think there was an Ed.

Well, there better be or I've been getting up at 5:00 in the morning

for the past 20 years for nothing.

Go ahead, Skip, set her down.

Down, down!

That's my sister's kid. I'm teaching him the business.

He's a little thick.

(CHUCKLING) Hey.

Anyway, the lady said you'd be waiting.

Uh, told me to give it to you, nobody else.

Made a big deal about it.

Oh, wait a minute.

Only me, huh?

(LAUGHING)

I get it. I don't believe it.

(WHISPERING) They're inside, right?

Of course.

What are they going to do? Jump out and yell surprise?

(LAUGHS)

They're airplane seats.

Yeah, right, Ed.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, you got to sign for these, buddy.

Got to sign for 'em.

Nice touch.

(CHUCKLES)

So, uh, what do you think, Ed?

This box might be a little too strong for the crow bar.

Maybe I ought to get out the blasting caps.

What, are you nuts?

Oh. Oh, yeah, you're right.

That might be a little dangerous.

Maybe I should just drop it off a cliff.

Cool. Hey, I know. Let's burn the sucker!

What's going on here?

There's nothing in here but airplane seats.

What'd you expect?

My friends, wearing party hats.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, Skip.

Hey, dude, we could still burn them.

Okay.

Thanks for the lift, Antonio.

I can't believe my damn car broke down.

A 15-year-old El Camino

with a coat hanger for an antenna.

Go figure.

Uh, scusi, Roy.

That will be $5.50.

You're gonna charge me?

(STUTTERING) That wasn't a cab ride.

That was-- That was one friend helping out another.

Right. For $5.50.

I was halfway to the airport already.

You were gonna come here, anyhow.

I see. So next time I go to Boston,

since you fly there anyway,

you will take me there for free?

Tell you what, Curly.

Since you took me halfway,

I'll do the same for you.

Bring your water wings and a set of flippers.

Next time I try to run him down like everybody else.

Uh, you know, Helen, I've been meaning to tell you.

This morning I met the nicest man.

Ah. Okay. That is it.

That is the fourth time I've heard that today

and frankly I'm getting a little sick of this!

Attention, everyone.

My name is Helen Chapel.

And, yes, my boyfriend recently dumped me.

And, no, I haven't been on a date since

and I am fine with that.

I'm single, unattached, and I like it that way,

so please do not fix me up with anyone.

Absolutely no one.

Thank you!

Does that answer your question?

Well, actually, Helen, what I was going to say

about that man this morning,

he asked me out.

So I just made a complete ass out of myself for no reason?

Oh, I don't know.

It's brought a little smile to my face.

Hey, morning, bro.

Bite it.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, uh, Joe. Thanks for staying last night.

Oh, hey, no problem.

There's nothing I'd rather do than hang around all night

waiting for a bunch of airplane seats.

By the way, Fay's little phoney-baloney phone call

about my birthday cake

worked like a charm. Ha, ha! Big joke.

Happy birthday to me.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

If I'm not mistaken,

it's, "Happy birthday to you."

Oh, no. He found out about the party

but he didn't know we'd changed the nights. Oh, God.

Can you imagine how lousy he must have felt?

This is so sad.

Poor guy.

It's a pretty pitiful picture all right.

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right, all right.

But we have to do something to make it up to him.

Well, we are. Remember we're throwing him a party tonight.

Hey, look, I know Hackett's a sap,

but how're you gonna lure him to the party

after what happened last night?

All right, look, guys, guys.

Look, if we really want to get Joe here,

there's no way he's going to fall for just

any run-of-the-mill story.

This calls for a masterpiece of BS.

I'm gonna go inside that office,

pull on my hip waders,

shovel myself a Mona Lisa.

Joe.

(SIGHING) Your surprise party's tonight. You got to show up.

Yeah, right, dipstick. Like I'm gonna fall for it twice.

No, no, no. It was scheduled for last night,

but we had to reschedule it for tonight.

So who's the dipstick now? You still are.

Yeah, I know, I know. But I think Lowell's gaining.

Seen that hat he's been wearing?

Wait, wait a minute.

You really were planning a surprise party?

Yes.

Oh, God. I don't feel too stupid.

Well, then you're not trying hard enough.

I better go out there and apologize.

I'm sorry, man. No, no, no, no. Listen, listen.

Just turn up here at 8:00 and act surprised.

Yeah. All right. Okay?

I'll be here. Thanks.

(EXCLAIMING)

You really went off the deep end on this one, eh, eh?

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

When Ed showed up with that big crate,

I had myself convinced that you guys were packed inside,

ready to jump out and yell, "Surprise."

I think Ed's afraid of me now.

A--A crate!

Isn't that a little elaborate?

Well, I--I didn't know how far

you guys were planning to go with my surprise.

Well, I'll tell you how far.

The last suggestion was Fay popping up from behind your counter

with a sparkler clenched in her teeth.

HELEN: Are you sure this was such a good idea?

Helen, I'm telling you,

Joe thought we were gonna do it last night.

He'll never suspect that we're gonna do it again tonight.

Did they really have to nail this thing shut?

You know, I'm claustrophobic.

Did I mention that I'm claustrophobic?

Only about eight times.

Nine. I count nine.

Does claustrophobic mean that you're afraid

of confined spaces,

or does it mean that you sweat a lot?

Take your pick.

This is gonna be so wonderful.

Imagine the look on Joe's face when he opens the box.

And finds our lifeless bodies with splinters under our fingernails

where we tried to claw our way out.

Well, I just wish he would get this party going.

I've got a late date tonight.

No, Helen, you don't have to make up stories for us.

I'm not. I met him at the terminal today.

He owns a body and fender shop.

Gay. Definitely gay.

He is not.

Oh, grow up. Auto repair?

It's a front.

I can't believe it, Gail. They did it to me again.

Yeah, th-these people are just jerking me around.

I guess I'm just too trusting.

Is that a man's voice I hear in the background?

Oh, oh, right. Right, right. The TV.

(DOOR SLIDING OPEN)

Wait, hold on a second. Something's happening. Hold on.

Hey, Mr. Hackett. Remember me?

Yeah, uh, Skip, isn't it?

Isn't it what?

Never mind. What can I do for you, Skip?

Oh, I got a box out of the truck

you need to sign for.

Are you sure? I'm not expecting anything.

Yeah.

Your brother came in this afternoon and set it all up.

Uh, what I mean is...

No, wait, wait a minute.

Brian set it all up?

(LAUGHING) I don't believe this.

(WHISPERING) They're inside the box, right?

Uh, I'm not allowed to say.

Anyway, if you sign the receipt,

I can go load up the forklift and bring them on in.

I mean, it.

Bring it in.

There you go. Thanks.

Hey, Gail, you are not gonna believe this.

Tonight they really are in a packing crate.

Yeah. I think Helen's in there, too.

Don't be ridiculous. I have to open it.

Yeah. All right. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Hey, Skip. Turn around.

No, I mean, the forklift.

Turn the forklift around!

Hey, we're moving.

He must be taking us into the hangar.

Oh, this is gonna be a great surprise.

Oh, I'm having trouble breathing.

Is anybody else having trouble breathing?

You know, until this moment,

I never really understood the phrase,

"The smell of fear."

For me this is bringing back happy memories.

It's how me and my five cousins first came to America.

But that was a small box.

At least in this one you can go off by yourself.

It's getting a little hot in here, isn't it?

No kidding.

I'm beginning to think maybe cheese was the wrong gift idea.

(GROANING)

I got an itch on the back of my arm.

Roy, would you scratch it for me, please?

Oh, all right, all right. I'll try.

Hey! That's not Brian.

And that's not an arm. Oh, what was it?

Never mind. But if you touch it again,

you'll draw back a bloody stump.

FAY: Be quiet.

(SHUSHING)

Here you go.

Skip, you might as well stick around and have some cake.

Give me a hand here.

Ready?

What the hell is...

Uh-oh.

My uncle's gonna kill me.

This box was supposed to go to Boston.

Where's the other one?

BRIAN: What the hell is he waiting for, Christmas?

FAY: We'll be out of here any minute now.

HELEN: I smell salt air.

Does anybody else smell salt air?

(HORN BLARING)