Original subtitles

Where's the pilot?

Look, we should've been in the air by now.

This is ridiculous. We've been sitting here for 10 minutes.

(SIGHS)

Well, I for one, am outraged.

I don't know about you guys, but I've got to get to Boston.

Hey, buddy, what are you doing anyway?

Ah, how hard could it be to fly one of these things, huh?

(ENGINE STARTING)

Hey, hey. What do you know?

Got lucky the first try!

Hey, hey. Do you really think you should be touching that stuff?

(WHOOPS)

Hey, who says you need a pilot's license?

Hell, they took my driver's license away from me,

and I still drive.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Oh, Helen, congratulations.

I hear you passed the real estate exam. Thanks, Fay.

I tell you, there's nothing more exciting than starting a new career.

You know, my seniors group needs a new building.

Maybe you could get us a good deal.

After all, we're a deserving organization that combats the attitude

that the elderly have outlived their usefulness.

What's wrong with the building you're in now?

Oh, it's too old.

Hey, did you guys see that 727 landing on the far runway?

I mean, it's not a commercial flight.

Who can own a private jet that big?

Miriam Borogroves, though she's known as Mimsy to the 400.

400 what?

400 people who wouldn't cross the street to spit on you, riffraff.

Well, there's got to be more than 400.

She is one of the richest women in New England.

It's old family money. Textile mills.

That's-- That's my kind of people.

Her family makes polyester?

She wrote to the town council

about investment opportunities on this island.

And, oh, Helen,

she is looking for a summer place.

Really?

Well, you know, our company represents Cliff Walk Manor.

Do you think she could afford $4.5 million?

(LAUGHING) Honey,

she could find that kind of change between the cushions on her couch.

Oh, oh, Miss Borogroves.

Councilman Roy Biggins at your service.

I'd just like to welcome you to the island.

How charming. Oh, thank you.

The island. Oh.

I'd kill for an introduction to that woman.

Hey, no, problem, kid. Follow me.

Hi, Mimsy. Hi.

Uh, there's somebody who I'd love you to meet.

Do I know you?

Okay, make that two people.

My name is Brian Hackett, Sandpiper Air.

And with me here is the queen of Nantucket real estate,

Miss Helen Chapel. Hello. So nice to...

Brian, I've always liked that name.

Unless of course, you spell it with a "Y."

No.

Good. Because that's a little too precious.

(HELEN CHUCKLES)

Speaking of precious, I have this piece of property...

I'll bet you're a pilot, Brian, with an "I."

You have that sort of reckless self-assurance

that I associate with young pilots.

I don't like to brag,

but in flight school I got straight A's for recklessness.

I'm talking prime seaside...

A sense of humor, too. I find that very sexy.

Oh, you think that's sexy? Get a load of this semi-attached garage...

You know, I'd love to stay here and continue our chat,

but I've got to get settled at my hotel.

I don't suppose that you'd care to help me.

Well, it's really not that hard, Mimsy.

You just toss the free soap in your purse,

dance around in the complimentary shower cap

and then nap till happy hour.

It's called Cliff Walk Manor.

I'm very pleased to meet you, Brian with an "I."

You know, my friends have accused me of forgetting how to laugh.

You'll have to teach me again.

Well, okay. But it may involve feathers and some nudity.

Yes, it may at that.

I think she likes me.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Does anybody know where Brian is?

Does anybody not know where Brian is?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yes. Me.

He's with that woman again.

That's where he's been every breathing moment for the last two weeks.

In Italy, we have a saying about the relationship

between a man with not so much money

and a woman who is very, very wealthy.

Oh, yeah. What's that?

Way to go.

Ciao, my friends.

Oh, my God.

(CHUCKLING) Brian, what are you wearing?

Merely gifts from my Mimsy.

I only wish I could show you my embroidered underwear.

Hey, what the hell.

Oh, Brian!

Oh, you really are crazy. But, God, you're fun.

I live to give pleasure, cara mia.

And I live to receive it, faccia bella.

Sometimes you give me pleasure in a thousand ways.

Well, everyone has off days.

That reminds me, Fay. Order new airsick bags.

FAY: Brian, that's a beautiful lighter.

I like my men to have fine accessories,

so today I got you an even better one.

Yeah, he doesn't smoke. No, but I light.

It's in a pretty little red package outside.

You'll find a card on it.

Now, be a good boy. Run along.

Oh, Mimsy.

What have I done to deserve yet another gift?

Oh, yes, that's right. I remember.

You, uh, really enjoy throwing your money around, don't you?

Yes. It makes people happy.

I believe in being a good neighbor,

in giving back to the community.

Which is why when I heard of your need for a new senior center,

I arranged to finance it.

You did? Oh, bless you. That's wonderful news.

And--And whenever you come to visit,

you tell your limo driver

to just ignore those handicapped parking signs.

He always does. Oh.

And, Roy? Hmm. Mmm-hmm, hmm.

Because you've shown the initiative

to suck up to me for two solid weeks,

I've agreed to underwrite the new municipal building.

By rights, the council should name it after you.

Oh, I'm humbled.

You ought to be.

You see, Joe,

your brother isn't the only one I give money to.

He's just the cutest.

Well, where can I use a phone?

Oh, phone, phone. Uh, uh, there's one in Joe's office.

Here, here, here, here, here. Dial nine first.

Miss Chapel, I'm going to call my lawyers right now

and see if I can speed up that real estate deal of ours.

Wait, now, that isn't going to be a long-distance call?

Is there any other kind?

Hey, just what is your problem?

Okay.

I cannot stand what that woman is doing to everyone around here,

especially my brother.

You know what, Joe?

You're jealous, 'cause Brian's obviously having a good time.

Look, you listen. I happen to know my brother.

He may be pretending to be happy,

but deep down, he is ashamed.

(BRIAN WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

A Porsche!

How do you say ashamed in German?

Can you believe this, Joe?

This was the lighter she was talking about,

and this is the pretty, little red container it came in.

Wow. Helen told me about it, Brian,

but I sure didn't believe it.

Great hat.

Driving an automobile like this

is like making love to a ravishingly beautiful woman.

Why is that?

I've never done either.

Look, uh,

would you guys just excuse us for one second?

Brian, would you just take a look at yourself for one second?

Well, okay, but I may appear closer than I actually am.

Can't you see what that woman has turned you into?

You're a gigolo.

A boy toy. With a boy toy, toy.

Brian, it's time for Sir Fitzhugh Agincourt to have his walk.

Who?

Uh, it's her dog. Uh, in a minute, Mimsy.

I'm just talking to Joe, okay?

Oh, I think you better do it now, Brian.

You know how Fitzy gets when he doesn't have walkies.

Right. Right away, Mimsy. Right away.

Fitzy, Mimsy, Walkies.

For crying out loud, now you're her dog walker.

Don't you have any dignity?

Since when is it undignified to walk a dog?

Millions of people do it everyday.

Come on, Fitzy.

(CHUCKLING)

Come on.

What?

Come on, let's go walkies.

Now, listen... Ah. Oh, sorry.

Wait. Wait, wait, excuse me.

But this is my office.

This is my desk.

And I need to speak with you about my brother.

Well, well, so here it comes.

I've been expecting this.

Yes, well, I just want... You have?

Well, it's been fairly obvious

you don't approve of my dating Brian.

No. I--I don't approve of your using him, of your exploiting him.

Now, just a damned minute, sonny.

Where do you get off using words like that?

Well, okay, maybe those aren't the words.

I'll say they aren't.

What is this amazing double standard

that fellows like you have about age?

Age?

Yes. When an older man dates a younger woman...

Well, it's all smug smiles, wink wink, nudge nudge,

"You randy dog."

If a middle-aged woman dates a man a few years younger,

if she has the audacity to show that she's still sexually alive...

Oh, dear. Different story.

Ugly. Suspect.

I wasn't really thinking about age.

All right, money.

Why does my money offend you so, Joe?

It doesn't offend me...

Everybody hates the rich, right?

Well, I'm sorry, but it's not my fault.

I was born with it.

I try to do some good with it.

So sue me.

I never said it was your fault...

You know, if I didn't care so deeply about your brother,

maybe it wouldn't hurt when you come storming in here to attack me.

Oh, I certainly never meant to attack you.

What right do you have to judge Brian and me, anyhow?

How do you know what's in our hearts?

How do you know what we feel when we're lying locked in each other's arms?

That's okay. I really don't need to know that.

I don't know what I expected.

It's always the same.

Why must my money spoil everything always?

I don't know.

You know what's funny, Joe?

I nearly made things a lot worse between you and me.

How do you mean?

Well, Brian's told me how much you love your airline,

how hard you work,

how much you need a new plane.

JOE: (SIGHING) Oh, boy, that's for sure.

Yes.

Well, you want to know the killer?

Last night, I considered just handing you the money for one.

Either as a gift or a loan if you preferred.

Because I know how my gifts disgust you.

I don't know who's been telling you these things.

I went so far as to reach for my checkbook.

You know, Mimsy's answer for everything.

Get out the old checkbook.

It's a very endearing trait, actually.

But then I hesitated because I knew exactly what you'd think.

"Forget it," I told myself.

"He'll only hate you for it,

"plane or no plane."

Mimsy, Mimsy, Mimsy.

And then I said to myself,

"Mimsy, you're being silly.

"Who are you to judge Joe?

"Who is anyone to judge anyone?"

That's so true. So true.

So I went ahead and made out a blank check.

I even carried it down here in my purse.

That purse right there?

When am I going to learn to trust my instincts?

I mean, thank God, I didn't try to actually give you the dumb check.

You probably would've thrown me out of your office.

Listen, I think we really got off on the wrong foot here.

Do you, Joe? Do you really?

Yeah. And it's my fault.

Why? You only said what you felt.

And I was wrong.

You're being too hard on yourself.

(STAMMERING) No, no. I just wish there was something,

anything I could do even if it meant, oh...

Accepting the dumb check if it came to that,

just to show you how sorry I really am.

Could you bring yourself to do that, Joe?

I think I could.

I wouldn't want it to come between us.

I wouldn't let it, I swear.

Because you want to know the truth.

It really isn't the money that matters.

What matters is my brother's happiness.

And I just hope for his sake you can forgive me

for all the stupid, narrow-minded

things I said earlier.

I already have.

Hey, hey.

Brian, hey, what are you doing here?

I've, uh, got the early flight.

You haven't been here before noon since Mimsy got here.

Yeah, well, uh, Mimsy and I had a parting of the ways.

Oh. What?

Yeah. She's leaving Nantucket today.

ALL: Oh, no.

Uh, no, no, no. I finally did something I should've done weeks ago.

Told Miss Moneybags where she could park her Porsche.

That better mean in your garage.

No, it doesn't.

I finally listened to my big brother.

Told her that I was nobody's lackey.

I was tired of being an embarrassment to my friends.

Boy, you should've heard me, Joe. I really leveled her.

Brian. Oh!

Brian, don't you think that's a little rash?

I mean, I thought you two made a really cute couple.

Everyone said so, didn't everyone?

Mmm, cute. Oh, darling.

Very cute.

She bought you a new plane, didn't she?

I really don't think that's relevant here. I...

But--But it--it isn't what you think.

I mean, Mimsy recognizes that I work hard.

And she feels that I deserve this check.

Even though there's been problems between you two,

I'm sure she would still want me to get my new plane,

wouldn't you, Mimsy?

Tell me something.

Joe isn't short for Jose, is it?

Uh-uh. Why?

Because it goes so much better with "No way."

Lars.

Attention, everybody.

I only have a few minutes before I have to say goodbye.

Goodbye? No, you mean of course, au revoir,

until the next time you come to visit your investments.

I'm not making any.

I've been deeply wounded on this island.

As a result, I want nothing more to do with anything

that might bring back painful memories.

I'm going to go and find some little community that really needs my money.

Like Europe.

Ooh. Crowd turns ugly.

Roy, you stayed pretty much the same.

Come on, somebody's got to be on my side.

I'm with you, Brian.

She didn't get me diddley.

What about you, Joe? Huh?

What about all those things you said about, uh, self-respect,

not being bought.

You meant those things, didn't you?

Yes, I did. Of course.

And I'm really proud of you for what you did.

Do you think if I got her to initial this,

the bank would still cash it?

Hey, he might be ready to let you off the hook,

but we are not.

You can't do this to us.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to go crawling back to that woman on my belly?

Is that what you want me to do?

You'd get there faster if you run.

Okay. Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Yeah, I'll do it. I'll let her keep me.

Yeah, buy me expensive gifts, take me to all the best hotels,

make wild erotic love to me on perfumed sheets.

But I'm warning you, all of you,

on your heads be it.

Uh, Mimsy.

Hi, uh...

I want to talk to you.

Is that a hot tub?

Yes.

Wow, uh, on a plane? Doesn't it...

Doesn't it slop over a lot?

I have people to mop it up for me.

Yeah. Cool. Um...

Look, Mimsy, uh,

I know I acted crazy last night,

but I--I just got this dumb notion in my head that you were,

you know, using me.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you were very foolish to think that.

Or to let people put that idea in your head.

Very foolish.

Okay. Okay. Well, you see, I--I realized what a bad...

Excuse me. Am I the only one that notices my drink is empty?

Sorry.

It's just that, Mimsy, I--I realize what a bad mistake I made.

And, uh, I wish there were

some way we could start over.

You're not begging.

Oh gosh, no. Of course not.

No, you misunderstand. You're not begging.

Oh, uh...

Please.

Um, please.

Mimsy, please. Mimsy.

Oh, get up.

I think we've discovered the one thing you don't do well.

Do you really want us to get back together?

Honestly?

Cross my heart.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, Mimsy.

Brian.

We're together again, huh?

I know. Now get the hell off my plane.

Wait, what?

I didn't mind the affair ending. I never mind.

Because I'm the one who decides when, always.

Stay in control.

It's the first lesson my nanny taught me

(SNIFFLING) and the last.

I had her terminated shortly thereafter.

So hit the ground running, Mr. Past Tense.

(STAMMERING) Wait a second.

Mimsy, I--I just groveled to you now.

I made a total fool of myself.

Yes. It was just like old times.

But all good things must end.

So, unless you've got a parachute or real springy ankles,

you'd better haul ass.

Bruno, you can take off when you're ready.

You know, I always go into these things hoping they'll work out.

It's too bad, really.

Oh, well.

We did have a few laughs along the way, though, didn't we?

Every once in a while I can convince myself that's enough.

You know Mimsy, uh,

I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't miss the,

the money and the fancy car and the clothes, but, uh,

you know what I'll always remember?

I'll always remember that night you and I walked on the beach together.

I mean, we didn't need money or a fancy car.

Or the clothes, for that matter.

Still, though, it was a comfort having Lars six paces behind us

with a checkbook at the ready.

Well...

Goodbye, Mimsy.

Goodbye, Brian with an "I."

Uh, look,

I--I don't suppose there's any chance

of Joe getting his plane or Helen selling her house

or Roy and Fay getting their buildings, is there?

(CHUCKLES)

Keep that sense of humor.

Brian, wait, take off your pants.

Wait, y-y-you want me back?

No, just the pants. I paid for those.

I believe I bought the underwear as well.