Original subtitles

Can you believe this?

I get a lousy parking ticket for having my bumper this much in the red.

I mean, talk about picky.

Uh, how much did they nail you for?

54 bucks!

Plus postage.

You know what? I'm not gonna pay 'em.

What's the worst that can happen?

Well, they take you to court,

you lose, they fine you, and you don't pay it,

they put a lien on your house, attach future earnings,

you're penniless, you turn to a life of vice and prostitution,

you get arrested, end up in jail

and live out the rest of your days sharing a dirty toilet

with a woman named Dutch.

You have a stamp?

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Hey, Lowell, I need you to go and pick up those cabin lights.

Just a second, Joe. I'm almost finished here.

Ah, wouldn't you know it?

Last staple and the gun jams on you.

Boy, crazy thing!

(GRUNTING)

(STAPLER SNAPS)

Lowell, did that staple go into your leg?

Are you in pain?

Would you like to go outside and scream?

(LOWELL SCREAMING)

Roy Biggins for Town Council.

Now, I'm counting on your votes.

Roy Biggins. Town Council.

I'm counting on your votes. Yes.

(BABY CRYING) Here take this.

Roy Biggins. Nice to see you.

Roy Biggins for Town Council. I'm counting on your vote.

(LAUGHING)

You know, guys, this politics game isn't so tough.

You just smile a lot, press the flesh a little

and tell people what they want to hear.

Hell, put her there and tell me you're moving to Wisconsin.

Oh, what's cookin', Spanky?

I'm putting an ad in the classifieds.

I'm selling my cello.

Your cello? You're kidding.

You've had that thing since you were six years old.

I know. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But it's time to close that chapter in my life.

I can't go on pursuing this pipe dream

and thinking I'm some classical musician.

I've really made up my mind.

I'm never gonna pick up the cello again. Hmm.

Oh, by the way, the Boston Pops called.

(GASPS) Oh, God! What'd they say?

You never should've picked it up in the first place.

Brian, that was low even for you.

I know. I actually felt myself sinking.

Madonna Santa!

The councilman, uh, Senor Lloyd Bruels,

he's...

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

What happened?

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) He was performing his famous campaign stunt,

swimming across the harbor towing a string of rowboats.

There's a guy who's not getting any at home, huh?

Anyway, when he finishes,

he comes up out of the water

and then suddenly he makes a face like so...

(GRUNTS)

He has a heart attack.

Oh, my gosh! Is he dead?

No, no. They take him to the hospital. Oh.

This will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I will never get this picture out of my mind.

Watching him collapse like that?

No. Seeing a man in his 60s in a Speedo bathing suit.

Thank goodness he's alive.

HELEN: Why are you smiling, Roy?

Was I smiling? Oh, no, no, no, Helen.

I--I wasn't smiling.

Yep, you were.

Well, maybe just a little bit.

I mean, now that I'm running unopposed,

there's a good chance I'll win.

Roy, the man is in the hospital.

Oh, Helen, you're absolutely right.

You're-- You're absolutely right.

His well-being is my only concern.

I'm gonna go down to the hospital right now

and I'm gonna donate blood.

Roy, that's very generous of you to give blood.

Who said anything about my blood?

Come on, Katie. Roll up your sleeve and make a fist.

Well, here's a frightening thought.

Roy Biggins is gonna be our next councilman.

I hate to be a cynic, but isn't this the way it always goes?

You either have bad choices or no choices at all?

Yeah, well, where are the people who used to run for office

not because there was anything in it for them,

but because they were willing to work? Right.

Maybe even make a sacrifice for the common good.

Did those people just disappear? Because they...

They used to be here.

We called them George Washington,

Thomas Jefferson, Samuel Adams,

John Adams, John Quincy Adams.

The Addams Family.

Well, what can we do?

Well, let's not sell democracy short.

The election is still a week away.

Someone will step forward.

Someone of honesty and character.

Someone who really cares about this island. Someone who...

Why--Why are you looking at me like that?

Because that someone is you, Joe.

That speech was really inspiring.

It sure was. I have goose bumps.

Ah, don't sell yourself short, Helen.

You fill out that sweater quite nicely.

I don't know. Me, a councilman? No. I'm... Really...

Yes, Joe. Nantucket needs you.

Oh, no, I don't know. It's a lot of work.

I mean, I got to run the airline...

You'll hardly have to do a thing.

I'll be your campaign manager.

Well, I love politics.

The smoky back rooms,

the--the king making, the backstabbing.

After canasta, it's my passion.

No, I don't know. I don't know. It's...

(ALL HUMMING BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC)

Come on, Joe. Go for it. Do it, bro.

You're our last chance.

All right. Okay, I'll do it.

His truth is marching on

Glory, glory, halle...

Am I the only one that knows the chorus here?

Oh, Brian,

did I make a mistake putting that ad in the paper?

Well, it's a little late to have second thoughts, kid.

That guy's coming to take a look at it and all.

I know.

But what if he's just buying it for his little snot-nosed kid

who's being forced to take cello lessons?

He's just gonna hate it and he'll abuse it.

It'll end up in his closet next to his Playboy collection,

the little pervert.

Well, at least you know he'll be in there with it.

Uh, excuse me. I'm the one who called about the cello.

Oh! Well, hello.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Larson.

Can I see it? Uh, yes.

Uh, I was just gonna ask you one question.

Um, do you have any children?

No. Perfect.

This is certainly a beautiful instrument.

You've taken exquisite care of it. Yes.

Well, thank you.

I know you'll enjoy playing it.

Oh, I don't play. Jocko does.

Jocko?

My chimpanzee, Jocko.

We have an act.

(STAMMERING) Wait. Whoa, one second. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Um, are--are you Maynard of--of Maynard and Jocko?

Yes. Oh, God! Oh, man!

Uh, you guys are fabulous. Saw him down in Hyannis!

Uh, Helen, the monkey fingers with his feet

and bows with a banana.

Sorry. No sale.

Joe? I know, I know. I'm late, Fay.

We got socked in at Boston.

I blew off that chamber of commerce thing, right?

Oh, that's okay. I went down there and I talked to them myself.

They really seemed to respond to me.

You know, it's amazing.

You can really loosen up a crowd of business men with a little off-color joke.

Hey, Joe, are you interested in the latest poll results?

I didn't know we had a polling service on the island.

Uh, we don't.

What we have is me hanging out down at the beauty parlor.

You can tell how the island's gonna vote from that?

Oh, yeah.

And they let me take home all the hair I want.

Uh, what are the results?

Hair ball about yea big.

Lowell, I mean the poll. LOWELL: Oh.

48% are in favor of old Roy.

35% are in favor of Joe.

And 6% think I'd look better with a perm.

That's sort of a low percentage.

Not for me. I made an appointment for next Tuesday.

No, for me.

I thought I'd be doing better than that by now.

Oh, not to worry, Joe.

You forget my ace in the hole Homer Padnick,

Editor-in-Chief of The Nantucket Herald.

So?

Well, where's your political savvy, Joe?

Whoever the paper endorses, wins the election.

Oh, who are they backing this time?

No one yet. But I spent the better part of the morning charming

the socks off that man.

He really liked what I had to say.

Not to mention my double fudge brownies.

So do you really think there's a chance of me getting the endorsement?

I think he was impressed.

Oh, great, Fay. Thanks.

What would I do without you?

Lose most likely.

Hackett, I figured you'd resort to dirty tricks,

but who thought you'd stoop this low?

I suppose you think this is funny, huh?

(LAUGHING)

I had to do it, Roy. They were scaring the children.

Fine, fine. Have your fun.

But nothing can stop the Biggins juggernaut.

After all, I have got a well-oiled political machine.

All you have are these three nimrods.

Don't forget about me.

Well, it's out. Today's edition of The Nantucket Herald.

Who'd they endorse?

I didn't look.

Where I come from,

there is a long tradition of killing the messenger.

Give me that.

Go ahead, Hackett. You read it.

I want to get a clear view of a man taking his last political gasp.

Yeah, okay, Roy. But you just might be in for a little surprise.

"For the position of Town Council,

"The Nantucket Herald endorses

"Fay Evelyn Cochran."

Me?

The--The paper endorsed me? That's impossible.

You're not even running.

I know.

Give me that.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

Oh, Marmaduke got in the refrigerator again.

Crazy dog.

Give me that!

"If honesty, sincerity

"and good old-fashioned common sense count for anything,

"you should write in the name of Fay Evelyn Cochran

"for Town Council."

Give me that!

Hey, it looked like fun.

All right, "With Lloyd Bruel out of the race

"and Roy Biggins out of his mind,

"it would seem the only choice is Joe Hackett.

"But after only one meeting with Fay Cochran, his campaign manager,

"we discovered her to be the true dynamic force

"behind his campaign.

"Apparently Hackett was relying on his boyish good looks

"to get him into office."

Well, I thought it would help,

but I certainly wasn't counting on it.

Give me that.

It's mine. I paid for it.

Fay, what exactly did you say to that editor?

Well, I told you. We discussed your campaign,

and I gave him some goodies.

I'll bet you did, sister.

I was talking about my double fudge brownies.

What are you gonna do, Fay? Are you going to throw your hat into the ring, huh?

Oh, I'm so flattered.

I guess I have no choice.

HELEN: Good. I'll do it!

(ALL CHEERING) I'll run for Town Council.

(ALL CHATTERING)

I don't care who I'm running against.

I'm fighting this thing to the end

and I'm not gonna take any prisoners.

You're gonna find out at that debate

that you are in for a real good old-fashioned dogfight.

What do you have to say to that, Cochran?

Oh, pooh.

Broad's got the mouth of a truck driver.

Fay, it's getting kind of late.

You gonna knock off soon?

Oh, uh, I just want to finish up a couple of last minute things.

I'm trying to punch up my speech for the debate tomorrow night.

Oh, well, all right. Good night.

Make sure to lock up on your way out.

Uh, uh, Joe.

Um, you know, I never expected things to work out this way.

I hope you're not angry.

No, I'm not angry.

You know, I--I think you would have made a wonderful councilman.

Well, if it's not gonna be me, I'm glad it's going to be you.

Oh, Joe. Do you really mean that?

Fay, I'm trying to be a good sport about this.

Hiya, Fay. Got a minute?

What can I do for you?

You had a pretty good week, didn't you?

Well, I pulled ahead of you by 15 percentage points,

if that's what you mean.

Yeah. That's-- That's what I mean.

So, Roy, is there a purpose to this little visit?

Look, I know you think I'm not a worthy candidate,

that I'm just another blowhard running for Town Council

in order to line his pockets.

Go on.

Well, I got some news for you, Fay.

This job means something to me.

This island means something to me.

Well, no more than it does to me.

Oh, I had this thing sewn up until you entered this stupid race.

Well, I didn't choose to run, Roy. I was drafted.

How can I put this so you can understand?

I'm a loser.

I've been a loser my whole life, Fay.

I have never won anything.

Please. Please, Fay.

Please, I want to be a winner.

Roy, please get up off your knees.

I--I--I really have work I have to do here.

Okay.

Let me tell you a little story.

When I was in the fifth grade, I ran for class president.

I--I was up against Dennis Doyle,

Mr. Athlete, Mr. Popular.

I thought I could take him on the issues.

I--I had some good ideas.

I thought if I could just get people to listen...

(SIGHS)

But when I was giving my speech in the assembly hall,

one of his friends snuck up behind me and pantsed me.

There I was, in front of the whole student body,

with my trousers around my ankles.

I tried to run but I fell off the stage.

Guess I should have pulled my pants up first.

I'll tell you something, Fay.

I've been trying to get those pants back up for the last 30 years.

This election is my chance.

Help me, Fay.

Help me pull my pants up.

(STAMMERING) Are we alone here? Is security still around?

This election doesn't mean that much to you.

Can you honestly tell me you want it as badly as I do?

Do you crave it?

Do you have the taste of it in your mouth?

The stink of it in your clothes?

Well, I--I--I can't honestly say that I do. No.

Well, I can.

W-W-What are you saying? Do you want me to drop out of the race?

No, no, no, no.

That would look bad like I tried to muscle you out. No, no.

I want you to blow the debate tomorrow night. Oh, I--I can't do that.

Oh, come on, Fay.

This is the only thing that'll give me a chance to win this thing!

No, I want to be on the Town Council, too. The--The answer is no.

Please. Please don't say no right away, huh?

J-Just, just think about it.

I know you're gonna do the right thing.

If not for me,

then for that little apple-cheeked boy

with his pants down around his ankles.

So in closing, when you elect Roy Biggins,

you are electing a man of vision,

a man of ideas, a man who is, uh,

a man who is poised to guide Nantucket into the 21st century.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Biggins.

And now, with her opening statement,

our other candidate, Fay Evelyn Cochran.

(ALL CHEERING)

(MAN WHISTLING)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I have been both surprised and flattered by this outpouring of support

and I intend to thank you all for it

by being the best councilwoman this town has ever seen.

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, now we'll open the floor for questions.

Yes, sir?

Oh, um, I don't have a question.

I was just waving at my friend Fay. Hi, Fay.

Next question.

I got a question.

You say you believe in preserving the beauty of Nantucket.

Yes, that's right.

Then why don't you start by getting that heap you drive off the street?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah. And throw that suit in with it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MODERATOR TAPPING DESK)

MODERATOR: Please! Please!

Now, are there any other questions?

Uh, yes. Miss Cochran, what do you think of Mr. Biggins' ideas?

Uh, well, as for his so-called programs...

Um...

As for his programs, uh, they seem solid

and, uh, well thought out.

I'd like to commend Roy for his vision

and suggest we all listen a little more closely to what he has to say.

(ALL MUTTERING)

Any other questions?

Uh, yeah, I have a question.

Have you lost your mind?

Results from other races in the southeastern part of the state.

New Bedford has a close assembly race going as do Duxbury and Fall River.

You know, I'll never understand that performance of yours last night, Fay.

You could have wiped the floor with Roy.

Yeah, I hate to criticize, but even I could've done better than that.

Well, I just don't believe in slinging mud.

Well, he sure slung some at you.

A few days ago, he called you a left leaning pinko lackey

of special interest groups.

That can be taken two ways.

Fay, uh...

Listen, no matter how this turns out,

I want to thank you for what you did last night.

Oh, don't mention it, Roy.

No, no. I--I laid in bed last night thinking,

"How can I thank Fay?

"How can I express to her my appreciation?"

Then it came to me.

Mail-order steaks.

So don't be surprised if you find a couple of T-bones on your doorstep

in six to eight weeks.

Well, thank you, Roy. I'll look for them.

And in the race out on Nantucket, we have a winner.

Roy Biggins.

(LAUGHING) I won!

I won! I won! I won!

Can I have your attention please?

I--I just wanna thank all the kind people who supported me.

And rest assured that Roy Biggins will serve

as councilman with compassion,

sensitivity and honesty.

Because Roy Biggins is a man of the people.

Now it's time to crack open the champagne.

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, who invited you?

I say we pants him.