Original subtitles

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Excuse me.

No, no, no, no. No way. Wait just a minute.

We don't need anyone around here

chanting and hitting people up for money.

Now, uh, get out of here before I call the police

and have you dragged away by those little tufts at the back of your head.

We're not working the airport.

We're just coming off the plane.

We take vacations, too, you know.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) I'm sorry. E-Enjoy your stay.

And don't forget the sunscreen.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

So, what do you think, Antonio?

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) It's magnificent.

Helen makes some of the best quahog chowder on the island.

It is so creamy. It's so smooth.

Just one question.

Quahog, quahog. What is this "quahog"?

Oh! It's the local name for clams.

Oh, no.

Oh, this is no good.

Why?

I am allergic to the clam.

When I eat them, my throat begins to constrict,

my tongue swells.

(RASPING) I often have to seek medical help.

Where are you going? To the hospital.

(ALMOST INDISTINCTLY) Hi, Roy. How are you today?

I can never understand a word that spaghetti-head is saying.

ROY: Well, ladies!

You are looking at the next winner

of the Nantucket Clam Chowder Cook-off.

Yeah, what makes you think you have a prayer?

Maybe it's the fact that before Martha Blankenship

moved her saggy butt to Delaware,

she sold me her prize-winning recipe.

(CACKLING)

What? Roy, that's not fair!

Aw, fair is for losers. I'm looking at a couple of big ones.

You see, the secret is the clams.

Martha told me exactly what to do.

I rake them up from a special cove where they feed

on dark-green kelp and nutrient-rich microorganisms.

This cove wouldn't be the area around your shower, would it?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, sure. Sure, sure, laugh now.

But when the winner's announced and they hoist me up on their shoulders,

we'll see who's laughing then.

It sure won't be those people carrying him.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SNORING)

Hey, Joe, I was thinking, why don't we...

(SHUSHING)

(SNORING)

There it is again. Did you hear that?

It sounds like snoring coming from the plane.

Yeah, it does.

Anyway, I was thinking... Wait, wait, wait, wait!

(SNORING)

JOE: It's Lowell!

He's naked. Aw, jeez!

Wake up, Lowell.

Joe, Brian. Hi.

Lowell, why are you sleeping nude in the airplane?

I always sleep in the nude, Joe.

Yeah, but why in the Cessna?

I had no place else to go.

Bunny kicked me off the boat.

What? How come?

Ah, she's sick of my jealousy.

I keep thinking she's seeing other men.

Actually called her the "U" word.

Called her unfaithful?

No, I called her unsatiable.

That's insatiable. You called her the "I" word.

No, the "I" word is indiscreet.

Can we move on here?

No, wait, You're-- You're jealous, Lowell? Why?

Well, I just keep thinking that Bunny's seeing other men.

Do you have proof?

Uh, nothing definite. Bunny says it's all in my head.

Come on, Lowell. You know that Bunny is a good wife.

She takes care of the kids. She takes care of you.

Takes care of the boys of Operation Desert Storm!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop that!

Y-You're letting your jealousy get the best of you.

You know what you should do? Hey, hey, hey, Brian. Brian, stay out of this.

Yeah, I know, I know.

You know what you should do?

Take Bunny out to a restaurant,

order some wine, some flowers, some candlelight.

You know, tell her that you love her

and tell her that you're sorry.

And tell her that you'll learn to control your jealousy.

She will take you back. She will take you back. Hey, Brian, Brian, listen.

Don't get involved. This is between Lowell and Bunny.

A restaurant, you say?

Well, I'll try anything.

Got our marriage to protect.

But first I'm gonna go out and have me a little breakfast.

Uh, Lowell.

Uh, before you go out there, shouldn't you do something first, hmm?

Oh! Of course. Oh, boy, that would have been embarrassing.

No shoes, no service.

Feast your eyes on it, ladies.

This is the chowder that's gonna win the blue ribbon

in the contest this afternoon.

(EXHALES WITH SATISFACTION)

Oh, knock it off. We're wise to you, mister.

What do you mean?

There is no secret clam beds.

We took the liberty of following you last night after you left. Fay?

FAY: Yes. "6:32 p.m.

"Stopped off at the video store,

"went straight to the adult section.

"Rented something called Robin Hood and His Merry Women.

"7:44 p.m., arrived home, showered,

"danced by yourself in front of the mirror

"for a good 15 minutes.

"8:31 p.m., walked into the supermarket wearing sunglasses.

"Approached Aisle 7

"and picked out a dozen cans of Old Seabrook Clam Chowder."

Store-bought soup, Roy. How could you?

Well, how do you think I felt

when I found out Martha's prize-winning secret came in a can?

I--I--I... Oh, I don't know what to say.

You can say you're gonna withdraw from the contest. Okay, okay, okay.

I'm-- I'm... Oh, Helen, I'm so ashamed.

I--I can't even look you in the eye.

Well, try, Roy, because right now you're looking at my breasts.

BRIAN: Hey, Lowell. Lowell, Lowell.

So, uh, how'd dinner with Bunny go?

Oh, it was a disaster.

I accused her of flirting with the waiter,

she ran out of the restaurant.

Did you go after her? Well, I tried.

But after I got through tipping the sommelier, the maitre d'

and a guy I thought was the parking valet,

still some question in my mind about that one,

she'd gotten home and weighed anchor.

Oh, I don't know why I'm so jealous.

I'm ruining my marriage.

I'm really sorry, Lowell. If there's anything that I can do.

Well, could you talk to Bunny for me?

Maybe convince her to take me back?

I mean, I need somebody honest and articulate and sincere.

And Roy's busy with that clam chowder contest.

Look, Lowell, we would really love to help you, but...

Yeah, I'll talk to Bunny for you.

Sure, I'd be-- I'd be honored, really.

Thanks, Brian.

Brian, I am telling you to stay out of this.

You're only gonna screw it up worse than it already is. Oh, come on!

No, no, you always make a big mess

and then I'm the one that has to clean it up.

Wait, are you talking about Lowell and Bunny,

or what happened in the kitchen this morning?

The kitchen? What happened in the kitchen?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, relax. The good news is I think I killed the roach.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh.

Brian? Hi! Hi, Bunny. Hi, come on in.

Lowell said you wanted to see me.

Yes, um, sit down, please.

Would you like some iced tea?

Oh, that would be nice. Thanks.

Here you go.

That's a, um... That's a very pretty dress.

Oh, thank you.

I don't get a chance to wear it much.

I'm on the boat most of the time, taking care of the kids.

BRIAN: Right, right.

Look, um, about Lowell.

Uh, is there any way you could give him another chance?

Oh, I don't know. He's so jealous.

I know, I know. He has a problem.

But when--when you think about all the problems he could have but doesn't,

or does have and keeps to himself, really,

being jealous is--is not the worst thing in the world.

I mean, as a matter of fact, it kinda proves

that he--he just really loves you, you know?

(SIGHING) Gee, you sure do keep it warm in here.

So the, uh... What?

It's kinda hot in here, don't you think?

Yeah, a little, I guess, uh...

Anyway, you know, uh, I--I really think Lowell,

uh, deserves a chance to work this out.

I mean, he's such a... He's such a sweet, well-meaning guy that...

(SUCKING)

You know...

If--If he ever lost you,

I--I know that it would just...

It would crush him, utterly and, uh...

I--I think it'd be rather easy to stay cool in that dress.

I don't wear it to stay cool.

I just love the feel of the hot sun on my bare shoulders.

Yeah, yeah, so do I.

But then, uh, couldn't show up to work wearing just a tie, could I?

Uh, anyway, uh, you--you know, Lowell really loves you, Bunny.

Uh, did I mention that he really loves you?

Well, by cracky, he does love you.

And, uh, you know, sometimes when a man loves a woman,

I mean, he just... He--He can go crazy sometimes.

He--He starts to imagine all sorts of things.

I mean, the--the thought of you coming onto another man is so ridiculous.

I mean, it's so outside the realm of possibility that, really...

Sorry.

Brian!

What the hell's going on here?

(STAMMERING)

It's not my fault! It's not my fault!

It's-- It's her fault!

Now, look, Bunny, uh, I don't think you understand.

I called you here 'cause I wanted to help Lowell.

Ah, nuts!

I'm tired of hearing about Lowell. I'm tired of being married.

I'm tired of being stuck out on that leaky old boat.

What good are--are these gifts

that God and Dr. Parkes have given me

if--if--if I don't use them?

See, I want to break out and live a little.

And you're just the type of guy I'd like to break out with.

In fact, you're both that type of guy.

You know, uh, I've always had this fantasy.

(SCOFFS) Oh, what? About pilots?

No, but that--that's a good one.

Brothers? Well, sure, brothers. But that's not it, either.

Coworkers.

Coworkers?

Yeah, I've always wanted to make it with a couple of coworkers.

Well, uh, Bunny, I--I'm sorry.

But that is just not going to happen.

Is it, Joe? No, it's not!

Yeah! I mean, it's not gonna happen.

Playing hard to get, huh?

I like that.

If you change your mind, you know where to find me.

I'm docked out at the pier.

Boom-pa, boom-pa, boom-pa, boom-pa

That's a catchy little tune.

What'd I tell you, Brian?

Speech 6, Joe. No, not Speech 6. Speech 3.

No, Speech 6.

You were right. You gave me good advice.

I should've listened to you. It was a mistake for me to ever get involved.

Yeah, well, it was.

What's Speech 3?

Every Barry Manilow song is different

and if I can't tell them apart,

it's because I haven't been listening closely enough.

Well, that's true, too.

In some, he's happy.

And in others, he's just ended a relationship.

But that's not the point here!

You--You... It is too late to go back on this Bunny situation.

Now you've gotta tell Lowell that he was right all along. His wife is a tramp.

No, hey, I can't tell Lowell!

I'm the one his wife was just coming on to.

You have to help me out here. You have to tell Lowell. Oh, I knew it! I knew it!

I knew you'd get me involved in this. I just knew it!

You can see the future! That's just one of your many and abundant gifts, Joe.

Speech 4.

What? Career opportunities only come to those who deserve them?

Oh, well, what--what is the one that says,

"I'm not bailing you out. You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it?"

No, there isn't one. Well, there is now.

Ah, great. Gotta tell Lowell and learn a new speech.

(BRIAN WHISTLING) So, Brian, how'd it go with Bunny?

She ready to take me back?

Uh... Got a little lipstick on your collar there, Brian.

Oh, you flyboys!

Uh, listen, Lowell, you know, uh,

Bunny's got a lot of good qualities...

Boy, that's a coincidence. But she's starting to...

Who'd have thought that you and Bunny would wear the same fragrance?

But I'm sorry, I interrupted you again.

Uh, yeah, well, what I was starting to say is that, uh,

Bunny's got a lot of good qualities

and she's starting to... Hair's a little messed up, Brian.

Where do you get the energy? You dog! Right.

But--But--But really, what I was starting to say is...

Well, that reminds me of a story. Once when I...

No, no. Lowell! Lowell, listen to me.

Bunny has been coming on to other men.

What?

She came on to me.

Wow.

You--You were right all along.

You weren't imagining anything.

Now, if--if--if there's anything I can do.

Nah, I've got some work to do out there in the hangar.

Hey, listen, Lowell. Lowell, you wanna talk about it?

Okay.

Got to fix a nose strut.

Think the housing needs to be rewired...

No! About Bunny.

Oh.

Nah, I just feel like being alone.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Do you mind if I taste that?

I have a weakness for the fried foods.

No, go ahead.

This is not bad, huh? What do you call it?

Fried clams.

Where are you going?

I only have about 20 minutes to get to the hospital.

And I have to stop for gas.

I--I--I was just out in the hangar looking for Lowell,

and I found the most curious note.

"Leaving my shift early. Can't get Bunny off my mind.

"I'm thinking about ending it all. So long. Lowell."

Oh, my God. My God.

Oh, you don't think Lowell would do something stupid, do you?

ROY: Gee, what are the odds?

Hey, uh, has anyone seen Lowell?

'Cause when I flew in, I could have sworn I saw him perched

on the steeple of the Unitarian Church.

Oh, oh, the steeple! Oh, my God!

No, no, no, no. What's wrong? What happened?

You gotta come with me. Um--Um--Um, Lowell left this note.

He's very depressed. We gotta get him down. Oh, I knew it!

Now, I told you not to get involved in this, but did you listen?

No!

BRIAN: Don't do it, Lowell!

Just sit tight! Joe's on his way up!

He's taking his sweet time about it, but he is on his way up!

JOE: Do you want to do this, Mr. "I'm afraid of heights"?

BRIAN: Uh, he'll be there, Lowell. Just hang on, my friend!

Whoa, this is steep.

That's why they call it a steeple, Joe.

BRIAN: Don't look down, Joe! Will you shut up?

Oh, hey, is that the tone of voice you're using with Lowell?

'Cause if it is, why don't I just make a big red "X" on the sidewalk?

Lowell, this is crazy. You shouldn't be up here.

Now I know how you must feel about Bunny, but you gotta come down.

No, Joe, not now.

I'm still thinking about whether or not I should end it all.

You can't end it all, Lowell.

No matter what has happened, you can recover from it.

Your--Your future stretches out as far as the eye can see.

Oh, cool, I can see my house from here.

Lowell, can we discuss this on the ground?

No, Joe.

Still haven't decided whether I'm gonna

end my marriage or stay with Bunny.

That's why you're up here?

To decide whether you're gonna stay with Bunny?

Yeah.

This is an excellent place to clear my head.

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

Yeah, I can see why.

Uh, so, you're not gonna jump?

Joe, please. If I jumped from up here, I'd kill myself.

Have a seat.

BRIAN: Is everything all right up there?

Yeah, I think so. Good!

I think I'm gonna sit in the car.

It's starting to get a little nippy out here.

So, Lowell, you've been up here for quite a while.

You made any decisions?

Well, at first I thought the only thing I could do was to end the marriage.

But then I thought if I could just get over the jealousy thing

and accept that Bunny was gonna play around,

well, maybe we can make a go of it.

But then you thought about it again and realized that was ridiculous.

I did?

Look, I am all for going that extra mile to save a troubled marriage,

but you at least have to stand up for yourself.

Now you have got to stop blaming yourself for this

and put the blame where it belongs, on her.

You have every right to be angry.

Well, if I get mad, then Bunny's gonna leave me.

She's already left you, Lowell.

I know, Joe.

I know.

Did I ever tell you about the first time I met Bunny?

She was standing right down there at the end of that pier.

Sun on her face,

wind in her hair.

She was gutting a sea bass.

God, was she beautiful!

She was the first girl I ever fell in love with.

I guess deep down

I just find it hard to believe that

she would've ever done anything like this to me.

All right, Lowell.

If I could give you absolute proof,

if you could see Bunny for what she is with your own two eyes,

would that finally give you permission to be angry?

Absolute proof?

Incontrovertible.

Huh? Absolute.

Yeah, I guess it would.

All right, Lowell.

I hate to do this, but here, look.

See that couple down there in that convertible, making out in the back seat?

Hey, that's Bunny and Fred Haney.

Boy, that Fred's a hell of a bowler.

Lowell!

So I should get mad now? Yes!

I see you, Bunny. And you, too, Fred Haney!

Well, you're not gonna make a fool out of me anymore, woman! We're through!

You're nothing but a cheap...

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

And you, too, Fred Haney!

I'm gonna hit you so hard, your teeth are gonna go down your throat,

and you're gonna be smiling out your...

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)