Original subtitles

Gosh and gollies, what is the world coming to?

Listen to this.

It says here, "15 percent of the American public

"would rather watch television than have sex."

Fifteen... Yeah, yeah, I'd buy that. Yeah.

You know, maybe you're, uh,

you're too tired or she's too, uh...

What's a nice way to put this?

Ugly.

The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary.

And, frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly"

should be in yours.

Hey, Lowell.

Lowell, would you rather watch television or have sex?

Buy me dinner and the choice is yours.

(SIGHING) You know I was kidding, right?

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)

Hey, Joe. Uh, do you know the number

for the club car?

What am I, information? Just look it up.

Thanks, pal.

Hey, I really like what you've done with that wall.

What have you done with that wall?

How could Helen do this to me?

How could she just drive her jeep through my office?

Ah, let's see.

You ask her to come back to Nantucket,

you lead her to believe that you're still in love with her,

and then she finds out you're involved with another woman.

Let's see if we can piece this mystery together.

Does that justify her destroying my private property?

No, but I salute her sense of whimsy.

(IMITATING DOOR OPENING)

Ta-ta, darling.

(IMITATING DOOR CLOSING)

Okay, okay, Lowell, I'll ask.

Joe, have you decided who you're going to hire to rebuild the office?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, good, because Lowell's been pestering me all day

to see if you accepted his bid.

(POWER DRILL WHIRRING)

I think he's ready.

I'm not giving Lowell the job.

You're not? No.

Look, if I needed an engine rebuilt,

Lowell would be the first person I'd call.

But this is finished carpentry work.

I'm going with John Livings.

He's very experienced, very reliable.

Well, before you break the news to Lowell,

I'd take away his power tools.

Fay, you know how I've been meaning to start delegating

more authority around here?

No.

Well, I'm starting now.

You tell Lowell he didn't get the job.

Me? Absolutely.

It's--It's always easier hearing bad news from you, Fay.

Maybe it's your gentle voice, or your sweet smile.

And the fact that you're a big weenie?

The biggest.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Excuse me.

Is that your cab out front?

Signore, just because I have the look of a simple man

with nothing to do and no place to go,

you assume I am a common cab driver

waiting for a fare?

Uh, yes.

Good, then it's working.

Antonio Scarpacci, at your service.

Best cab on the island.

You need a ride, I'm your man.

Great. Can you drive me into town?

Sorry, I'm off duty.

So, you decided to go with someone else.

Yeah, Lowell, look, it's not that I don't... Ah, save it, Joe.

I know you don't have any faith in my work.

Lowell, get the hell out there and fix my altimeter,

or I'll can your lazy butt!

At least Roy appreciates me.

Helen? Well, look,

I want you to know that

I understand the frustration

that led you to drive through my office,

and I am really sorry I didn't tell you about me and Gail.

I never intended to hurt you.

Well, that's very considerate of you, Joe.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, I'll just leave you with this

and you can get it back to me whenever it's convenient.

What--What is this?

It's what you owe me for the damage.

What I owe you?

Don't you have insurance?

Oh, of course I do,

but I think it's only right that you pay the deductible.

A thousand dollar deductible?

What's your monthly premium, 19 cents?

Look, you're lucky that I'm not asking you to pay for the whole thing.

No, you're lucky all I did was plow through your office.

I could have come gunning for your scrawny little hide.

Oh, well, gee, I guess I should be thankful

that, uh, you're just a jealous harpy

and not a homicidal maniac.

Guess you should be.

Look, Helen, I don't want to have this argument.

I just want my money.

Too bad. I'm not gonna pay you.

You have to.

Says who?

Says me. You're responsible.

I don't care. I'm not gonna pay you.

That's not fair.

So?

I want my money and I want it now!

Sit on it and twirl.

Hey, why do you fight with such a beautiful woman?

Because she owes me money.

Joe, Joe. Joe!

Never loan money to a former lover.

Never!

That money you loan her, kiss it goodbye.

Ah, there it goes, fly away like a little bird.

Bye-bye.

No, I--I didn't loan her money.

She destroyed my office.

I'm trying to get her to pay for the damage.

Well, you will not get it by screaming and yelling at her.

You must speak softly and respectfully.

Treat her like the delicate flower that she is.

(LAUGHING) Helen would laugh in my face.

Then you must sue her.

What?

Yes, sue her.

Take her to court.

Next to baseball, it's America's favorite sport.

Antonio, there's no way. I'm not gonna sue her.

Joe, you remember the restaurant I used to work in?

One night, a man dining there choked on a chicken bone.

(IMITATING CHOKING)

A lawsuit was filed, cost the restaurant half a million dollars.

Wow, he must've had a good lawyer.

But a lousy paramedic. He died.

But his wife now drives a brand new Lamborghini.

I hear a chicken bone hangs from the rear view mirror.

You see, that is the problem with our society.

People think that they have to go to court to settle their differences.

But Helen and I are friends.

And we're gonna settle this as friends.

Now you watch.

She's gonna come to her senses and meet her responsibilities.

Hey, Helen! Helen?

What?

Look, now that you've had a few minutes to cool down,

how'd you like to write me that check?

You want a check?

There's your money.

Thank you.

Uh, excuse me, Helen,

I can't even read who this is made out to.

What's this last word here?

Hole.

I'll have her spleen on a plate.

It's the American way.

Fay!

What is it, Joe?

How am I supposed to run an airline

when I don't even have an office here?

And that stupid contractor started this job three days ago,

and he hasn't been back since.

Where the hell is he?

Oh, uh, that's right. With all my new responsibilities,

I forgot to tell you.

He's on Martha's Vineyard.

Something about Carly Simon needing some work done on her beach house.

Oh, great. I got dumped for a celebrity.

Oh, no, Joe, it's not like that at all.

Well, when is he coming back?

I don't know. After that he's doing Walter Cronkite's sun deck.

This guy's very much in demand.

You're really lucky to have him.

I don't have him. Carly and Walter have him.

Well, I guess I'm going to ask Lowell to finish the job.

Well, that might not be as easy as you think.

I mean, Lowell does have his pride.

(SCOFFING) Oh, come on, Fay.

We're talking about someone known around the island

as "The Man Who'll Eat Anything for a Quarter."

Fifty cents, if it's still wriggling.

Hi, Lowell.

Can't really talk now, Joe.

I'm working on Helen's jeep here.

Apparently, I was good enough for her.

Well, look, you're good enough for me, too.

How'd you like to rebuild my office?

Well, well, well.

Look who comes crawling back to good old Lowell.

I admit it. I made a mistake.

Oh, yes, you did.

Lowell, you don't have to make this any harder for me than it already is.

Oh, yes, I do.

You hurt me, Joe.

Lowell, I'm sorry...

No, I mean really hurt me.

Is this about money?

Yes, it is.

Well, go ahead. Name your price.

$50,000.

$2,000.

All right, we're bargaining. I like that.

$20,000.

Lowell, I can really only afford $2,000.

Oh, you're a shrewd one, Joe Hackett.

$5,000.

$2,000.

Joe, you got to give me something here.

Okay.

$2,000 and a new hat.

Done! Ha!

Well, it's nice doing business with you, Joe.

Hey, Brian, how was the flight?

I'm not telling. You'll just have to watch the news tonight.

Good, good. Listen, do me a favor.

Give this to Helen.

Uh, this is a subpoena.

You're gonna sue her?

JOE: I'm just taking her to small claims court.

That's--That's nice, Joe, real nice.

Hey, $1,000 is a lot of money.

I've gotta get it back somehow.

Well, you give her the subpoena.

No, I can't. The law says someone else has to give it to her.

Well, don't look at me.

You find some other flunky to do your dirty work.

Uh, Fay?

Is my job on the line? Yes.

Fine. I'll finish the day and pick up my check in the morning.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. I'll get-- I'll get someone else to do it.

Hey, way to stand up to the boss man, Fay.

I was bluffing.

Give me that, Hackett. I'll be your delivery boy.

Do you know what to do? Oh, sure.

I served a subpoena to my mother once.

You sued your own mother?

No, I just served her.

Dad made me.

See, the trick is with these things

you got to surprise the subpoenee.

Not let 'em see what's coming.

Observe.

Hey, Helen?

Yeah.

How about a nice, cool glass of lemonade, huh?

Sure, Roy.

Here you go.

What's this?

It's a subpoena, toots.

You can consider yourself served.

So can you.

How could you do this to me, Joe?

I tried to reason with you and you wouldn't listen.

I had no choice.

We've been friends for 20 years.

I know, but...

You know I don't have that kind of money.

I lost all my savings in New York.

I'm barely scraping by as it is.

Well, look, you know, you don't have to pay me all at once.

We can agree on some kind of installment plan.

You hit me with this when I'm at a really low point.

I realize that's it's not...

I don't have a professional life.

I don't have a social life.

I don't have anything.

Helen, maybe we both need...

I was just angry and upset.

I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

Uh, Helen, I--I...

Maybe I did overreact,

and I should have taken into account your, uh, situation and everything.

Why--Why don't I just drop this case

and we'll move on from here?

Really, Joe?

Yeah, really.

Thank you.

You don't know what this means to me.

Hey, no problem.

(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)

Hey, hey! I saw that!

Saw what?

That little smile of yours.

I saw your reflection in the glass.

I was just so happy.

No, that wasn't a happy smile.

That was an "I've got you wrapped around my little finger" smile.

(CRYING) Oh, Joe... Oh, cut it out!

You're not playing me for a sucker.

I'll see you in court.

All right!

You want to sue me for $1,000?

Yes, I do!

Hey, why stop there? Why not just run the total up a bit?

Hey, hey, hey!

What--What'd that bring the total to?

Uh, about $1,100.

And you are just throwing money away because you don't have a case.

Well, good. Why not just have a little fun then?

Hey, wait! Uh...

$1,140, $1,170...

Fay, what did I pay for that antique picture frame?

FAY: $75.

$1,245!

No, no! Don't you even think about it.

That is priceless.

60 bucks!

That brings the total to $1,305,

and that will run you $225, missy.

And then she very calmly and unemotionally

drove her jeep into my hangar and smashed through my office.

And you feel this was intentional?

Yes, Your Honor.

It was a malicious and completely unprovoked act.

Well, given your version of events,

and Miss Chapel's failure to appear and defend herself, I must find...

Your Honor!

Helen Chapel appearing before the court.

Wait now, hold on one minute! What is this?

You're late, Miss Chapel.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. I had a hard time getting here.

I'm not used to these crutches.

Oh, who do you think you're fooling with this act?

Quiet, Mr. Hackett.

My apologies. HELEN: Thank you.

The court was unaware of your condition.

Oh, what condition, Your Honor?

She has pulled this kind of thing before.

She's a known scam artist.

Shame on you, Helen Chapel!

If I might explain... JOE: Oh, give me a break!

She's playing you for a sucker, Judge.

I assure you that my injuries are real...

Oh, for God's sakes, she's faking it to gain the court's sympathy.

Stick a pin in her leg.

I'm injured, you idiot, not paralyzed.

Yeah, sure you are. Make her dance.

See if she'll dance under oath.

Mr. Hackett!

Your Honor, I can barely stand.

As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a little lightheaded.

Would you be more comfortable sitting down?

Yes, I would. Thank you.

No, wait! Hold on one second.

You're not buying this, are you? Wait a second.

If it please the court Joe...

...may I present exhibit A? Ow!

Mr. Hackett!

And exhibit B.

(EXCLAIMING)

That will be enough!

(SCREAMING) Come on! Get up! Get up!

Let's go, stand up.

I rest my case.

Hey, Joe, Joe! What are you doing here?

Well, uh, Helen said she's gonna be a little late.

She called from the emergency room.

Apparently, she fell down her front steps.

Banged herself up pretty bad.

Oh, God. Helen, I am so sorry. I had no idea...

Don't touch me!

Oh, good, Helen, you got here.

Hey, stand up, honey. Judge can't see you.

Well, what do you think, Fay?

It's phenomenal, Lowell. It looks just like it was.

Oh, it is.

I found a really old photograph of the office,

and I matched everything exactly,

right down to the last detail.

That must have been very difficult.

Hardest part was finding a calendar from 1952.

Hey, guys.

Joe, how'd it go in court?

Well, I, uh,

you know,

won.

BRIAN: Oh, don't be so modest.

With the exception of that contempt of court glitch,

I'd say you had quite a day before the bar, big guy.

Well, how was I supposed to know that Helen fell down those stairs?

Those crutches should have been your first clue.

Rule of thumb, Joe, never beat up a cripple.

You beat up Helen?

No, I just

pushed her down and poked her with her crutch a little.

Gee, Joe, I'm surprised you didn't have me do it for you.

So, Joe, what do you think of the office?

Oh, hey! Hey, nice job, Lowell.

This is really first-rate craftsmanship.

I am impressed.

You know, I've been thinking about putting a sort of deck on the back of the house.

What do you think something like that would cost?

$50,000.

Why don't we just forget it, Lowell? We'll talk about it later.

Lowell, is my jeep ready yet?

Yeah, it's right out here in the hangar, Helen.

Thank you.

Um, how much do I owe you?

$50,000... Lowell.

Hey, someday somebody's gonna go for it.

Here's a check for $100.

If it's all right with you, I'd like to pay you once a month

for the next 10 months.

Look, Helen, I--I--I feel really terrible

about what happened in court today.

Why don't we just forget this?

Oh, no, you don't!

On top of it all, you don't get to be noble, Joe.

Just take it.

I just want this thing to be over with.

Well, all right, if it'll make you happy.

It will.

Good. That's done.

(SIGHS)

I don't want to ever, ever hear anything else about it.

And you won't.

Not from me, anyway.

But, you know what's interesting?

I think we both learned a very important lesson today.

You learned that we can't be ruled by our emotions,

that no good ever comes from violence.

And that each of us has to be held responsible

for our actions.

And I learned that

we have a damned fine legal system.

Oh, come on, I'm kidding.

Where's your sense of humor?

You used to have one, you know.

Hey, I guarantee that someday we'll look back on this and laugh.

(JOE LAUGHS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HELEN LAUGHING)

Look there! I'm laughin' already.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Joe, I'm writing down a figure.