Original subtitles

HOW WAS YOUR MEAL?

UH, LET'S JUST HOPE YOUR COFFEE IS BETTER THAN YOUR COOKING.

GIVE ME A CUP OF DECAF TO GO.

ONLY IF YOU GO WITH IT. HMM.

HEY, HEY, HEY! ARE YOU SURE THAT'S DECAF?

YES, I'M SURE.

YOU'RE POSITIVE? YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE? I'M--

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, TAKE A POLYGRAPH?

WELL, YOU'D BETTER BE RIGHT,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA BE UP ALL NIGHT.

LOOK, PAL, I WOULDN'T WANNA DISTURB YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP.

YOU NEED ALL YOU CAN GET. HEY, LOOK, YOU...

OH, LOOK, YOU. HERE'S MY TELEPHONE NUMBER.

IF YOUR EYES POP OPEN AT 3:00 A.M., YOU CAN CALL AND WAKE ME UP.

OH, DON'T THINK I WON'T, GIRLIE.

OH, MAN, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT JERK?

I'LL HAVE A LITTLE MORE OF THAT DECAF, HELEN.

OH, THIS ISN'T DECAF.

BUT YOU GAVE THAT GUY YOUR NUMBER.

OH, GET REAL. THAT WAS ROY'S NUMBER.

[seagulls cawing]

OH, HELEN, KEEP THAT COFFEE COMIN'.

THE STRONGER, THE BETTER.

ROY, YOU'LL FLOAT AWAY.

[groaning] I'VE GOTTA WAKE UP.

SOME NUT CALLED ME AT 3:00 A.M.

I COULDN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP.

SOME PEOPLE CAN BE JUST SO DARN INCONSIDERATE.

[telephone ringing]

I WAS JUST WONDERING

WOULD ANY OF YOU PEOPLE LIKE TO BUY

12 DOZEN FRYING PANS?

UH, LOWELL, WHY ARE YOU SELLING FRYING PANS?

WELL, IT'S KIND OF A FUNNY STORY.

BUNNY WANTED TO MAKE SOME EXTRA MONEY,

SO SHE HIT UP ON THE IDEA OF SELLING COOKWARE DOOR-TO-DOOR.

HAS SHE SOLD ANY?

NOT A ONE.

SHE HAD THEM BOUGHT AND PAID FOR,

AND THEN REALIZED SHE'S TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF TALKING TO STRANGERS.

IT'S THE DARNEDEST THING.

SHE WALKS UP TO THE DOOR,

RINGS THE BELL AND THEN, WHEN THE PERSON ANSWERS,

SHE FREEZES UP,

EYES ROLL BACK IN HER HEAD, AND SHE PASSES OUT.

ANY IDEA HOW I CAN, UH, UNLOAD THESE SKILLETS?

OH, LOWELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE 'EM DOWN TO THAT SWAP MEET?

THOSE YO-YOS WILL BUY ANYTHING.

GOOD IDEA, ROY.

THAT'S WHERE SHE GOT 'EM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HE COULDN'T SELL SUNSCREEN TO A NAKED ALBINO.

(Joe) HEY, BRIAN-- SHH.

JESSICA HAHN'S ALMOST FINISHED WITH HER CONFESSION.

THINK IT'S WORTH ANOTHER $2

TO HEAR ABOUT HER FIRST TIME?

NAH.

LISTEN, I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH THE EXTERMINATORS.

THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO A MAJOR FUMIGATION.

THEY RECOMMENDED WE MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

OH, WOW. I GUESS THE ROACH PROBLEM IS GETTIN' A LITTLE OUT OF HAND.

LAST NIGHT, I FOUND A COUPLE OF 'EM

THROWING GAS-SOAKED RAGS INTO THE ROACH MOTEL.

I DIDN'T HAVE A ROACH PROBLEM UNTIL YOU MOVED IN.

WELL, WHAT CAN I TELL YOU? ANIMALS LOVE ME.

HEY, UH, HELEN, YEAH?

THE FUMIGATORS ARE GONNA HAVE TO ZAP OUR HOUSE AFTER ALL.

CAN I STAY WITH YOU FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS? SURE.

GOOD, I'LL BRING MY STUFF OVER LATER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

WELL, I'M GONNA NEED A PLACE TO STAY, TOO, RIGHT?

I MEAN, COME ON, IT'LL BE GREAT. WE'LL HAVE A PAJAMA PARTY.

NO WAY. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE'LL DRESS UP IN SHORT NIGHTIES,

WE'LL SPIN SOME 45s, CURL EACH OTHER'S HAIR.

BRIAN, JUST THE THOUGHT OF YOU IN A NIGHTIE

IS ENOUGH TO CURL MY HAIR.

IS IT SOMETHIN' YOU DO A LOT?

YOU THINK OF ME IN MY SCANTIES?

BRIAN,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE YOUR OWN ARRANGEMENTS, PAL.

BRIAN, OLD BUDDY, BE HAPPY TO HAVE YOU STAY WITH US ON THE BOAT.

OH, WELL, THANKS A LOT, LOWELL. THANKS.

EXCEPT MY WIFE HATES YOU.

BUNNY HATES ME?

WELL, SHE THINKS YOU SHOT HER BROTHER IN THE LEG.

WHY WOULD SHE THINK THAT?

WELL, I COULDN'T VERY WELL TELL HER THAT I DID IT, COULD I?

OH, LOWELL.

WELL, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW MUCH THAT MAN LOOKS LIKE AN ELK.

UH, BRIAN, YOU COULD STAY WITH ME.

OH, THAT'S SWEET, FAY, BUT I--I WOULDN'T WANT TO IMPOSE.

OH, NO, I'D-- I'D RATHER ENJOY IT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT ALL THAT SATISFYING PLAYING SCRABBLE BY MYSELF.

I MEAN, THE WORDS I LET MYSELF GET AWAY WITH...

WELL, NO, THANKS--THANKS A LOT, FAY. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, OK?

BRIAN, WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S A GREAT OFFER.

I DON'T WANNA STAY OVER AT FAY'S HOUSE.

IT SMELLS LIKE DRIED FLOWERS AND CREAM OF WHEAT.

SHE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE FURRY COVERS FOR HER TOILET SEAT,

KEEPS FALLING DOWN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.

IT'S LIKE A GUILLOTINE.

[phone ringing]

HACKETT, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BREAK.

FOR A COUPLE OF BUCKS, YOU CAN STAY AT MY PLACE.

ROY, I'M TRYIN' TO GET OUT OF A PLACE

THAT'S FILLED WITH DISGUSTING CREATURES AND POISON GAS.

SO WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?

OH, FAY!

OH, FAY,

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME HAVING DESSERT IN HERE,

BUT I DIDN'T WANNA MISS MY PROGRAM FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE.

OH, THAT'S FINE, BRIAN.

AND, FAY, BY THE WAY, THIS PIE IS INCREDIBLE.

YOU GOTTA GET OUT THE RECIPE.

UH, DO YOU WANT ME TO WRITE IT DOWN FOR YOU?

NO, I WANT YOU TO BAKE ANOTHER ONE.

FAY, FAY, I WAS ONLY KIDDING. IT CAN WAIT...

[chuckling] OH.

UNTIL TOMORROW.

YOU KNOW, FAY, MMM,

THESE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

YOU'VE TAKEN SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME.

WELL, I-IT'S BEEN FUN FOR ME, TOO.

YOU KNOW, IT BRINGS BACK A LOT OF FOND MEMORIES.

WELL, BEFORE I WAS MARRIED, I USED TO TAKE IN BOARDERS. HMM?

OH, IT WAS NICE TO HAVE A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE,

SOMEONE TO COOK FOR AND CLEAN FOR...

AND IRON FOR.

I KNOW, LIGHT STARCH IN THE COLLAR AND THE BODY SOFT.

AH, AND YOU JUST ABOUT HAVE IT RIGHT.

OH, OH, FAY, FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE IS JUST ABOUT TO START.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME?

NO, BRIAN, I FIND THOSE SHOWS VERY DISTURBING.

HEH, THAT'S WHY I LIKE 'EM.

[theme music playing on T.V.]

(Maury) 1958, ATLANTA.

DALE HAMMOND DIES FROM EATING PEAS

LACED WITH STRYCHNINE.

2 YEARS LATER IN ST. LOUIS,

FRANK DOUCETTE EXPIRES

AND THE CAUSE OF DEATH, TAINTED MERINGUE.

[snickering]

THE FOLLOWING YEAR IN DENVER,

CLARK SMALL IS FOUND BLUDGEONED TO DEATH.

THE MURDER WEAPON, A FROZEN LEG OF LAMB.

WHAT DO ALL OF THESE VICTIMS HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY WERE ALL BOARDERS

IN THE HOME OF ONE FLORENCE CHAMBERS,

A.K.A. THE CULINARY KILLER.

OOH!

AS SHE MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY,

CHAMBERS IS THOUGHT TO HAVE LEFT THE BODIES

OF 15 YOUNG MEN IN HER WAKE.

HELLO, EVERYONE, I'M MAURY POVICH,

AND JOIN US FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE.

HEY, FAY, YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN. THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD ONE.

OH, NO, THANKS, BRIAN.

I THINK I'M GONNA STRIP THE BEDS AND CHANGE THE LINENS.

OH, THAT'S A HARD JOB, FAY. LET ME HELP YOU.

OH, I DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS YOUR PROGRAM.

OK, THANKS.

[theme music playing]

(Maury) FLORENCE CHAMBERS WAS LAST SEEN

IN DALLAS, TEXAS, IN 1965.

WE TOOK THE LAST KNOWN PICTURE OF THIS FIENDISH FOOD POISONER

AND COMPUTER-AGED IT

TO APPROXIMATE WHAT SHE WOULD LOOK LIKE TODAY.

IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION (Fay) BRIAN?

AS TO THE WHEREABOUTS OF--

UH, BRIAN, DO YOU WANT SOME MORE COCOA?

MMM-MMM.

WELL, OK. YOU LET ME KNOW IF YOU DO.

ROY, I'VE GOT A PRODUCT THAT'S GONNA CHANGE YOUR LIFE,

AND I'M IN A WHEELIN', DEALIN' MOOD.

LOWELL, I AM NOT BUYIN' ONE OF THOSE DAMN SKILLETS.

OH, I'M NOT SELLIN' SKILLETS, ROY.

I'M SELLIN' DREAMS.

I TOOK YOUR ADVICE. I WENT DOWN TO THE SWAP MEET,

AND I TRADED THOSE SKILLETS IN FOR SOMETHIN' EVEN BETTER.

I AM THE SOLE EAST COAST DISTRIBUTOR

OF A HONEY OF A PRODUCT.

IT'S MORE THAN A BARBECUE.

IT'S MORE THAN A CAR.

IT'S A CAR-B-CUE.

YOU STICK YOUR FOOD IN THE CAR-B-CUE,

PUT IT ON YOUR CAR ENGINE, CLOSE THE HOOD,

AND AS YOU DRIVE, YOUR CAR BECOMES THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COOKS.

OH, BROTHER.

NO, NO, ROY.

I'VE SEEN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S WELL-DONE.

IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU, THE BUSY EXECUTIVE.

YOU WORK LATE AT NIGHT.

POP A FEW KNACKWURST IN THE CAR-B-CUE

AND BEFORE YOU GET INTO THE GARAGE,

IT'S "PASS THE GREY POUPON."

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

NO, IT'S EVEN GREAT FOR WEEKEND TRIPS, ROY.

REMEMBER WHEN RUNNING OVER A POSSUM WAS A TRAGEDY?

NOW IT'S A PARTY.

LOWELL, THIS IS THE STUPIDEST, MOST RIDICULOUS...

DOES IT DO RIBS?

LIKE A TENNESSEE SMOKEHOUSE.

NOW, HOW MANY DO YOU WANT? UH, ONE FOR ME.

ONE FOR CHEF ROY.

AND MY PARENTS' ANNIVERSARY IS COMING UP, SO MAKE IT 2.

ANOTHER FOR MA AND PA BIGGINS.

[people chattering]

HI, EVERYBODY. HEY, BRIAN.

HI, BRIAN. HI, HI, HI.

[chuckling]

[inaudible]

GUYS, GUYS, SOMETHIN' HAPPENED LAST NIGHT AND I REALLY HAVE TO--

WHO ARE YOU? CARL TORLEY.

FROM PROVIDENCE.

I CAME HERE TO SEE MY BROTHER.

WELL, DO YOU SEE HIM IN HERE, CARL?

WELL, YOU--YOU WERE, YOU KNOW...

I THOUGHT YOU MEANT ME.

NO, I DIDN'T. GIVE MY BEST TO YOUR BROTHER.

YOU KNOW MY BROTHER?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

OK, COME ON, BRIAN, I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK. WHAT IS IT?

OK, OK, ALL RIGHT. NOW, LISTEN.

DO YOU KNOW THE PROGRAM FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE? YES.

WELL, FAY WAS ON IT LAST NIGHT,

AND SHE IS WANTED FOR MURDER.

SEE YOU LATER. OH, NO, NO, COME ON, NOW.

NOW, HEAR ME OUT.

YOU KNOW, BRIAN, THIS IS REALLY PRETTY STUPID, EVEN FOR YOU.

YES, NOW, LOOK, STO-- I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.

BUT LAST NIGHT, THEY WERE DOIN' A STORY ABOUT THIS WOMAN

WHO TRAVELED FROM CITY TO CITY,

YOU KNOW, DENVER, ATLANTA, DALLAS, ST. LOUIS,

TAKIN' IN BOARDERS AND KILLING THEM.

AND GET THIS, JUST LAST NIGHT,

FAY SAID TO ME THAT SHE USED TO TAKE IN BOARDERS ALL THE TIME.

BRIAN, THAT DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING.

W-WAIT, WAIT. I DIDN'T TELL YOU THE MOST CHILLING PART.

THEY SHOWED A COMPUTER-AGED PHOTOGRAPH

OF WHAT THIS WOMAN WOULD LOOK LIKE TODAY

[stuttering] AND WITHOUT A DOUBT, IT WAS FAY!

BRIAN, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT FAY. OUR FAY.

I KNOW, I KNOW, IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT--BUT, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

HOW MUCH DO WE REALLY KNOW ABOUT HER?

I MEAN, WE KNOW THAT SHE WAS MARRIED,

BUT WHERE ARE HER HUSBANDS NOW?

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE.

DEAD, BURIED, THE HARP FARM.

BRIAN, I AM SURE YOU SAW A PICTURE

THAT IN SOME SMALL WAY RESEMBLED FAY,

BUT I'M ALSO SURE THAT THERE IS NO WAY

THE WOMAN ON THAT PROGRAM WAS HER.

NO, OF COURSE NOT. FAY IS THE SWEETEST,

KINDEST WOMAN I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

BOY, THAT'S HOW EVERY HOMICIDAL MANIAC'S NEIGHBOR DESCRIBES THEM.

"HE WAS THE SWEETEST, KINDEST, GENTLEST MAN

"I HAVE EVER MET.

"WAS VERY QUIET.

"ALWAYS SAID HELLO.

HELPED ME BUILD A DOG PEN."

YOU KNOW, JUST--JUST--JUST ONCE,

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY,

"HE WAS A RAVING LUNATIC.

"I FEARED FOR MY LIFE.

"I WAS JUST WAITIN' FOR THE CHAIN SAW

TO COME RIPPIN' THROUGH THE WALL!"

NO MORE SUGAR FOR YOU, MISTER.

[laughing]

OK. OK, OK, FINE, FINE.

I DIDN'T SEE IT. DON'T BELIEVE ME.

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ANYHOW. IT WASN'T FAY.

IT WAS A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION.

BUT WHEN THE BLOATED CORPSES

START PILING UP ON MAIN STREET LIKE CORDS OF WOOD,

LET IT BE ON YOUR HEADS.

I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

HELEN?

I RARELY GO INTO TOWN.

ROY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' ALL OVER FOR YOU.

I HAD TO DRIVE AROUND THE AIRPORT A FEW TIMES.

THE CHICKEN WASN'T QUITE DONE YET.

TRY THIS. IT'S POSITIVELY SUCCULENT.

MMM, BOY, THAT'S CAR-B-CUED CHICKEN IF I EVER TASTED IT.

MMM.

LOWELL, THANKS FOR TURNING ME ON TO THIS.

I THINK I'M GONNA DO A LITTLE COOKING THIS WEEKEND.

I'M GONNA DRIVE DOWN TO VIRGINIA, THAT'S ABOUT A DAY'S DRIVE,

AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE PEKING DUCK.

BON APPETIT, AND DRIVE SAFELY, ROY.

[airplane approaching]

[people chattering]

HEY,

HOW ABOUT A CUP OF COFFEE, HELEN?

SURE.

SO, HOW'S TOMORROW'S FLIGHT TO NEW BEDFORD SHAPIN' UP?

UM, I GUESS, WE'RE ABOUT HALF-FULL.

PROBABLY PICK UP SOME WALK-INS IN THE MORNING.

GOOD. GOOD, GOOD.

HEY, FAY,

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT TAKING A LITTLE VACATION LATER ON THIS YEAR

AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME OUT. UH, THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO, UH, DENVER, ATLANTA, DALLAS, AND...

ST. LOUIS?

UH, WELL, I DID LIVE IN ATLANTA AND ST. LOUIS.

OH, BUT NOT DENVER OR DALLAS?

NO. OH, ALTHOUGH I DID FLY THERE WHEN I WAS A STEWARDESS.

AHA! I MEAN, UH, OH.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHO CAN HELP ME SETTLE A BAR BET HERE?

UM, HOW DO YOU SPELL

STRYCHNINE?

S-T-R-Y-- NOT YOU, YOU IDIOT.

UH, LET'S SEE, STRYCHNINE. STRYCHNINE.

S-T-R-Y-C-H-N-I-N-E.

STRYCHNINE.

I WAS ALWAYS A GOOD SPELLER IN SCHOOL.

WHY, FAY, YOU'RE GOOD AT A LOT OF THINGS.

YOU'RE-- YOU'RE A GOOD SPELLER,

YOU'RE A GOOD, UH, WORKER.

GOOD WIFE.

BOY, IT'S REALLY A SHAME ABOUT YOUR HUSBANDS,

THEM DYIN' LIKE THAT. NOW, HOW--HOW DID THEY DIE? I FORGET. I...

I REMEMBER THE FIRST ONE

WAS HIT BY A TRUCK,

AND THE 3RD ONE DROPPED DEAD IN HIS CHAIR

WHICH HAPPENS.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO NUMBER 2 AGAIN?

YOU CERTAINLY SEEM TO HAVE DEVELOPED

A MORBID CURIOSITY ALL OF A SUDDEN.

JUST TRYIN' TO HAVE A PLEASANT CONVERSATION, IS ALL. THAT'S ALL.

OH, UH, IF YOU ASK ME,

THE TROUBLE IS THAT YOU'RE WATCHING THOSE CREEPY TELEVISION SHOWS.

I MEAN, WHY--WHY DON'T YOU WATCH SOMETHING CHEERY,

LIKE, UM, UH, REGIS AND KATHIE LEE?

[laughing] THAT REGIS IS SUCH A RASCAL.

YOU GUYS NEED ANY MORE PROOF THAN THAT, HMM?

NO, NOT FOR ME. I THINK WE CAN CALL THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL

AND HAVE YOU STRAPPED DOWN AND SEDATED BY THIS EVENING.

YOU GUYS NEED MORE PROOF? FINE.

I MADE A LITTLE VISIT OVER TO THE HOME OF FLORENCE CHAMBERS

A.K.A. FAY COCHRAN.

WHAT'S THIS?

EXHIBIT A, FOUND IN HER POTTING SHED, STRYCHNINE.

OH. BRIAN, SHE PROBABLY USES IT TO KILL RATS.

YEAH, I SUPPOSE TO THE BLIND AND NAIVE, IT WOULD APPEAR SO.

OH, COME ON, BRIAN.

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN, SHE DIDN'T JUST POISON HER VICTIMS, EITHER.

SHE EVEN BLUDGEONED ONE POOR SCHLUB WITH A FROZEN LEG OF LAMB,

AND WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE

FAY HAS IN THE TOP SHELF OF HER FREEZER?

PUDDING POPS?

WELL, NOT ANYMORE, BUT FOLLOW ALONG.

A LEG OF LAMB.

BRIAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE...

NO, JOE, LET'S FOR A SECOND ASSUME THAT BRIAN IS RIGHT.

THANK YOU, HELEN.

YOU'VE JUST MADE A FATAL MISTAKE.

W-WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, BRIAN, YOU'VE TIPPED YOUR HAND. SHE'S ONTO YOU.

YOU'RE OVER THERE ASKING HER ALL THOSE QUESTIONS.

I MEAN, HERE SHE IS AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

SHE'S FINALLY GOT HER LIFE TOGETHER.

NOW SHE KNOWS YOU'RE GONNA RAT ON HER.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DOES TO RATS.

YOU GUYS ARE TRYIN' TO SPOOK ME.

I WON'T BE SPOOKED (Fay) BRIAN...

[gasping] ANYMORE!

UM, SINCE YOU'RE MOVING BACK INTO YOUR HOUSE TOMORROW,

WHY DON'T I MAKE A SPECIAL FAREWELL DINNER TONIGHT?

FAREWELL?

WELL, AND--AND I HAVE JUST THE THING I'VE BEEN SAVING

FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION LIKE THIS.

A NICE LEG OF LAMB.

SOUNDS A LITTLE DANGEROUS.

DANGEROUS? DELICIOUS.

SOUNDS A LITTLE DELICIOUS.

A LITTLE DELICIOUS?

IT'S TO DIE FOR.

UH, HELEN, OVER HERE. JOE, YOU SIT OVER THERE.

AND, BRIAN, SINCE YOU'RE THE GUEST OF HONOR, I WANT YOU TO SIT RIGHT HERE.

UH, NOW, IF YOU'RE ALL COMFORTABLE, I'LL GO GET THE SALAD.

NOW, FAY, I HOPE THAT JOE AND I AREN'T AN INCONVENIENCE.

I THOUGHT BRIAN HAD ASKED YOU.

OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.

WELL, I HOPE THIS DOESN'T UPSET ANY PLANS YOU HAD FOR THE EVENING, HMM?

WELL, IT DID THROW ME FOR A MINUTE,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I CAN BE PRETTY RESOURCEFUL WHEN I HAVE TO BE.

JOE. JOE, CHANGE SEATS WITH ME. WHAT FOR?

BECAUSE SHE PUT ME HERE FOR A REASON.

AND IF SHE WANTS ME HERE, THEN I'M GONNA BE THERE.

IT'S A GREAT PLAN, BRIAN. SHE'LL NEVER FIND YOU WAY OVER THERE.

OH, FAY, THIS LOOKS GREAT.

THANK YOU. YEAH,

[thudding] KILLER SALAD.

OW!

UM...

[chuckling] UH... OH, THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE.

I ALMOST GAVE YOU BRIAN'S SALAD.

WAIT, THEY'RE NOT ALL ALIKE?

WELL, I KNOW YOU LIKE EXTRA CARROTS.

SO, UH, GO AHEAD AND DIG IN.

I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.

GIVE ME THAT.

BRIAN, DON'T DO THAT!

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF FAY'S WHO YOU THINK SHE IS,

SHE KNEW YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT.

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT. HERE.

AND CHANGE SEATS WITH ME.

WE JUST... JUST--JUST...

OH. OK.

WAIT! WHAT--WHAT?

OH, SHE PROBABLY KNEW THAT, TOO.

OH, GOD, SHE'S GOOD. HERE, SIT DOWN. HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

HELEN. WHAT?

GIVE ME YOUR SALAD. OK.

YOU AGREED TO THAT AWFULLY QUICKLY.

WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE YOUR SALAD?

'CAUSE YOU ASKED ME FOR IT. OH, YEAH?

YOU THINK I'M GONNA FALL FOR THAT? FORGET IT.

I--I--I LOST TRACK. WHO'S GOT THE POISON?

OH, WELL.

SEE YOU IN HELL.

IT'S DELICIOUS.

THAT'S GREAT. HILARIOUS. HILARIOUS.

UM, I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, I--I KNOW I PROMISED YOU A LEG OF LAMB,

BUT THERE WASN'T TIME TO THAW IT OUT.

SO IN OTHER WORDS IT'S STILL LOADED-- I MEAN, FROZEN.

YEAH, BUT, THANK GOODNESS LOWELL SOLD ME ONE OF THOSE CAR-B-CUES.

SO I ROASTED A CHICKEN ON THE WAY HOME.

I'M A DEAD MAN. I'M A DEAD MAN.

I'M SITTIN' HERE TALKING TO YOU NOW, BUT I'M A DEAD MAN.

OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE, WOULD YOU MIND SETTLING UP YOUR LUNCH BILL?

YOU OWE ME ABOUT $90.

HAVE JOE TAKE IT OUT OF MY ESTATE.

BRIAN, 80 HAWAIIAN SHIRTS AND A SKATEBOARD

DO NOT CONSTITUTE AN ESTATE.

BRIAN, COULD I SEE YOU IN THE KITCHEN FOR A MOMENT?

AND THERE IT IS, AND I'M OUT OF HERE.

NO! OH!

NO, LOOK. C-COME WITH ME. COME WITH ME. NO, BRIAN.

DO YOU REALLY THINK SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU

WITH US SITTING RIGHT OUT HERE?

SHE'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO TRY IT.

(Fay) BRIAN?

GO.

IT'S SCARY TO THINK THAT WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY

WHERE ANYBODY CAN JUST WALK UP TO A COUNTER AND PURCHASE MEAT.

OH, UH, UH, BRIAN, MY GARBAGE DISPOSAL ISN'T WORKING.

COULD YOU PLEASE, UH, REACH IN THERE

AND PUSH THE RESET BUTTON FOR ME?

WHY?

BECAUSE IT ISN'T WORKING.

I-IT'S HARD FOR ME TO GET UNDER THERE.

YEAH.

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA BE?

RIGHT HERE.

OK.

COME ON. OK.

GO ON. OK.

OK. OK. [chuckling] GO ON.

THAT'S IT.

[both chuckling]

GEE, NOW THAT I HAVE A TASTE FOR IT,

I THINK I'LL JUST GO AHEAD AND DEFROST THAT LEG OF LAMB FOR TOMORROW.

[screaming]

OH, MY GOD! BRIAN!

BRIAN!

[Helen gasping] OH, MY GOD!

[Helen and Fay screaming]

(Maury) WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON LAST WEEK'S STORY.

THANKS TO THE DILIGENT EFFORTS OF OUR VIEWERS,

FLORENCE CHAMBERS, A.K.A. THE CULINARY KILLER,

HAS BEEN APPREHENDED.

THE F.B.I. RECEIVED TIPS FROM AS FAR WEST AS RENO

AND AS FAR EAST AS NANTUCKET.

IT WAS A TOLL-FREE NUMBER.

CHAMBERS WAS FINALLY LOCATED IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS,

COOKING IN THE RECTORY OF ST. FINBARR'S PARISH.

THE PASTOR, FATHER HENLEY, DESCRIBED CHAMBERS

AS, "A SWEET, CARING WOMAN

WHO ALWAYS HAD A CHEERY HELLO FOR EVERYONE."

YOU KNOW, I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT YOU THOUGHT I COULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

YOU KNOW, FAY, IN BRIAN'S DEFENSE,

THAT REALLY DID LOOK A LOT LIKE YOU.

YOU KNOW, IF I WAS GONNA KILL YOU, I WOULD NEVER POISON YOU.

I WOULD JUST TAMPER WITH THE FUEL GAUGE ON THE PLANE

AND LET YOU SINK LIKE A STONE

SOMEWHERE OVER NANTUCKET SOUND.

FAY!

I'M ONLY KIDDING.

BUT I DO KNOW HOW.