Original subtitles

HEY, LOWELL, LOWELL, LOWELL, HELP ME OUT HERE.

I NEED A...

A 6-LETTER WORD FOR "DUCK."

[telephone ringing]

[exhales]

"MALLARD."

GREAT. MALLARD. M-A-L-L-A...

NO, NO, NO, NO, MALLARD DOESN'T FIT. IT'S GOT 7 LETTERS.

AH, SURE IT DOES, BRIAN.

THE L's ARE REAL SKINNY

SO YOU CAN JUST SQUEEZE 'EM BOTH INTO THE SAME BOX.

JUST LIKE THAT.

OK, SO--SO IF I NEEDED A 5-LETTER WORD FOR "USELESS,"

I COULD USE "LOWELL"

AND THEN TAKE THE 2 LAST L's AND PUT 'EM IN ONE BOX.

NOW YOU'RE CATCHIN' ON.

[seagulls cawing]

FAY,

I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE, ROMANTIC PLACE

TO TAKE A WOMAN FOR A-- FOR A SPECIAL DINNER.

HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS?

WELL, HOW ABOUT PONTRELLI'S?

PONTRELLI'S? OH, FAY, THAT'S A LITTLE PRICEY.

I KNOW: I'LL JUST EAT MOST OF MY STEAK,

AND THEN SEND IT BACK. THANKS.

UH--UH, ROY, HOW DID YOU AND YOUR LADY FRIEND MEET?

WELL, WE HAVEN'T EXACTLY MET. WE, UH...

WE ANSWERED EACH OTHER'S ADS IN THE BACK OF A MAGAZINE.

THAT'S WHY I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

WHY?

WELL, I MAY HAVE EXAGGERATED ABOUT MYSELF A BIT.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE WAY THESE THINGS WORK.

I JUST HOPE SHE'S NOT GONNA BE AS DISAPPOINTED IN ME

AS I'M SURE I'M GONNA BE IN HER.

HOW COULD SHE BE DISAPPOINTED IN A ROMANTIC LIKE YOU?

AFTER ALL, YOU DID PICK VALENTINE'S DAY FOR YOUR FIRST DATE.

TODAY'S VALENTINE'S DAY?

DAMN.

THAT MEANS I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET FLOWERS, RIGHT?

[exclaiming]

OH! OH, I'M SORRY. I--I ALMOST RAN INTO YOU.

OH, I KNOW.

LOOK, UH, WHY DON'T WE BACK UP AND SEE IF WE CAN GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME?

HEY, UH, CAN I HELP YOU WITH THOSE?

NO, THANKS, THEY'RE LIGHT. THEY'RE JUST MY SAMPLE CASES.

OH, SAMPLE... YOU'RE IN SALES, HUH?

WELL, WHATEVER YOU'RE SELLING, I'M BUYING.

WHAT AM I BUYING? LINGERIE.

WELL, BEING HIGH-WAISTED, I'M MURDER TO FIT

BUT I'LL TAKE A PEEK-A-BOO TEDDY IN A 42 REGULAR.

[chuckling] LOOK, I GOTTA GET GOING.

OH, COME ON, YOU'RE MAKIN' ME WORK AWFUL HARD HERE.

HOW ABOUT IT? WOULD YOU LIKE, UH, SOME LUNCH?

I HAVE SALES APPOINTMENTS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

OH, WOW. THAT'S TOO BAD.

[clicks tongue]

WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT. THANKS.

HEY.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE EAT DINNER ON THIS ISLAND?

YEAH, I SUPPOSE WE COULD. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.

WELL, GREAT. SO, CAN YOU MEET ME BACK HERE AT 8:00?

OH, I--I'M BRIAN.

STEPHANIE.

PRETTY SURE IT'S BRIAN, BUT I'LL DOUBLE-CHECK.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT. OK.

[people chattering]

[telephone ringing]

HELEN.

(Helen) YEAH, JOE?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE?

UH, NO, IT'S MY IDEA OF CHOCOLATE.

YOU KNOW, SOME SWEETS FOR MY SWEETIE?

HOW CAN YOU BE SO INSENSITIVE?

OK, WAIT, WAIT. W-WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I-IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE PEOPLE CANDY ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU, JOE?

NO. OH, WELL,

THEN, I'M SORRY.

FORGET ABOUT IT. YOU'RE NOT INSENSITIVE, YOU'RE S-S-STUPID!

STUPID?

STU-STUPID?

I'M STUPID?

GOOD, JOE. YOU'RE LEARNING BY REPETITION.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU,

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

OH, FINE, JOE. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH, SAME TO YOU.

UH, HELEN, COULD I SEE YOU IN JOE'S OFFICE FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

FINE.

HEY, WHOSE, UH, CHOCOLATES ARE THESE?

YOURS.

THANKS!

DON'T THANK ME, THANK JOE.

SO, HE DIDN'T FORGET.

WELL, WHAT IS IT, FAY?

UH, MAY I SEE YOUR HAND?

[slaps] OW!

BELIEVE ME, THAT HURT ME MORE THAN IT HURT YOU.

I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, I DO.

I HAVE A TOUCH OF ARTHRITIS IN THIS HAND.

NOW, HELEN, JOE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY

[groans] TO GET YOU A NICE PRESENT.

HOW COULD YOU BE SO MEAN TO HIM?

YOU KNOW HOW SENSITIVE HE IS.

OH, WELL, IF HE'S SO SENSITIVE,

WHY DID HE GIVE ME CHOCOLATES?

OH, WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING, DIAMONDS?

LITTLE GOLD DIGGER.

NO, FAY, IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THIS WEIGHT PROBLEM ALL OF MY LIFE,

AND NOW THAT I'M FINALLY THIN,

MY BOYFRIEND WANTS TO MAKE ME SO HUGE

THAT NO ONE'LL BE ATTRACTED TO ME EVER AGAIN.

OH, RIGHT, YOU CAUGHT ON TO HIS CLEVER PLAN.

OH, I--I BETTER CALL UP AND CANCEL THAT TRUCKLOAD OF MASHED POTATOES

HE'S HAVING DELIVERED TO YOUR HOUSE.

OH, HELEN, YOU'RE MAKING TOO BIG A DEAL OF THIS.

JOE'S HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

[sighs]

OH, FAY, I GUESS I REALLY BLEW IT.

I'M JUST SORT OF NEW AT HAVING A BOYFRIEND ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE HOW TO ACT.

WELL, I'M-- I'M NOT SURE EITHER,

BUT IF I WERE YOU, I'D TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

HEY, BRIAN, WHERE'S HELEN?

SHE, UH, SHE CLOSED UP THE COUNTER AND LEFT FOR THE DAY.

OH, BOY, SHE IS TICKED OFF AT ME ABOUT SOMETHIN'.

I--I DON'T KNOW, I GAVE HER A NICE BIG BOX OF VALENTINE CANDY,

AND SHE WENT NUTS.

CANDY FOR SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN BATTLING A WEIGHT PROBLEM

EVER SINCE THEY STARTED ON SOLID FOOD...

NAH, THAT COULDN'T BE IT.

OH, GOD, I BETTER GO CALL HER.

GEE, D'YOU THINK?

[people chattering]

EXCUSE ME, I'M LOOKING FOR ROY BIGGINS.

UH, I--I--I'LL, UH...

I'LL SEE IF HE'S IN.

[clears throat]

FAY, SHE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME. SHE'S GORGEOUS.

SHE DIDN'T LIE IN HER AD AT ALL. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

NOW, ROY, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

YOU'RE A FINE-LOOKING MAN WHO CARRIES HIMSELF WITH STYLE AND CLASS.

RIGHT.

NOW, TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT, ZIP UP YOUR FLY,

AND GO AND SWEEP THAT GAL OFF HER FEET.

[exclaiming]

HI, KAREN,

I'M ROY BIGGINS.

THAT--THAT WAS JUST MY IDEA OF A...

[chuckling] OF A LITTLE JOKE.

WELL, YOU DID SAY YOU HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR.

YEAH, BUT, I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A GOOD ONE.

[both laughing]

YOU KNOW, ROY, YOU'RE...

NOT AT ALL WHAT I PICTURED.

YEAH, UH...

LOOK, I'D UNDERSTAND IF, UH, YOU KNOW,

YOU WANNA BACK OUT OF THIS DATE RIGHT NOW.

NO HARD FEELINGS.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I DON'T LIKE WHAT I SEE?

PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S NO ONE STANDING BEHIND ME.

SOME GUY IN COVERALLS WITH CHOCOLATE ALL OVER HIS FACE.

ROY. YEAH?

ROY, I CAME TO NANTUCKET

TO HAVE A VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER WITH A CHARMING MAN

WHO WROTE ME ALL THOSE LOVELY LETTERS.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, MADAM,

[chuckles]

YOUR CARRIAGE AWAITS.

WHY, THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER RIDDEN IN A PORSCHE BEFORE.

UH, YEAH, UH, THAT. UH...

UH, IT'S IN THE SHOP.

OH. BUT THEY--THEY DID GIVE ME A LOANER.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT, A PURPLE EL CAMINO.

BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO, HUH?

WELL, I TRIED TO CALL HER, BUT SHE WASN'T HOME.

JOE HACKETT? YEAH.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. OH, THANKS.

OH, HE'S A CUTE ONE, JOE. I WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST.

"SORRY ABOUT THIS MORNING. I'D LIKE TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

MEET ME AT OUR SPECIAL PLACE, TONIGHT, 8:00. YOUR STUPID VALENTINE."

OH, THAT'S SWEET. I BETTER GET GOING IF I'M GONNA MAKE IT.

HEY, UH, WHERE'S THIS SPECIAL PLACE?

INDIAN POINT. YOU KNOW-- YOU KNOW, THE PLACE WHERE THE KIDS GO

AND PARK AND MAKE OUT? MAKE OUT, YEAH.

YEAH, THAT'S WHERE WE HAD OUR FIRST KISS.

[chuckles]

WELL, YOU OUGHT TO KNOW, YOU WERE HIDIN' IN THE BACK SEAT.

YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A LOT FURTHER

IF YOU WEREN'T SO HUNG UP ON PRIVACY.

SIGNORINA, ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?

OH, NO, THANK YOU, I'M WAITING FOR MY VALENTINE.

THIS IS OUR SPECIAL PLACE.

[speaking Italian]

SIGNORINA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, YES.

IT HAS BEEN SO LONG, AND STILL HE DOES NOT SHOW.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALONE.

I'M NOT ALONE.

LOOK AROUND YOU.

DUE, DUE, DUE, DUE, DUE, DUE, DUE, DUE...

UNO.

MY BOYFRIEND WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

OF COURSE, SIGNORINA.

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

[bemoaning in Italian]

ROY, THIS LOOKS LOVELY.

YEAH, I'VE NEVER REALLY EATEN HERE,

BUT IT SURE SMELLS GOOD EVERY TIME I DRIVE BY.

ROY.

OH, HI, HELEN. SHE'S GORGEOUS!

YEAH, I KNOW.

AND SHE SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING MY COMPANY. HMM.

WE'RE OBVIOUSLY DEALING WITH A VERY SICK WOMAN HERE.

ROY, MAYBE SHE LIKES YOU.

OH, COME OFF IT, HELEN.

I--I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER,

BUT AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I'M SURE GONNA FIND OUT.

[people chattering]

SOME PROSCIUTTO E MELONE.

UH, NO, I DIDN'T ORDER THIS.

SCUSI, PLEASE, M-MY COMPLIMENTS, SIGNORINA.

A LITTLE SOMETHING IN YOUR STOMACH HELPS TO EASE THE PAIN

OF YOUR WRETCHED LONELINESS.

I AM NOT IN PAIN.

WELL, THEN...

WELL, MY FEET HURT A LITTLE BIT.

SO, UH, TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF.

WELL, I'M ORIGINALLY FROM CLEVELAND

BUT MY FAMILY MOVED TO GLOUCESTER WHEN I WAS 8.

OH, GLOUCESTER'S LOVELY.

OOH, VERY PICTURESQUE.

DOES INSANITY RUN IN YOUR FAMILY?

WHAT?

OH, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING.

THEY--THEY TELL ME THIS RESTAURANT IS REALLY GREAT.

THEY--THEY SAY THE CHEF CAME ALL THE WAY OVER FROM NAPLES.

EVER BEEN IN PRISON?

NO. NO.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE. ME, EITHER.

AH.

[moans in pleasure]

YES.

[chuckling softly] YEAH.

YES, NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE PRE-DINNER FASHION SHOW

TO STIMULATE THE OLD APPETITE.

WELL, I KNOW I'M HUNGRY.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

AREN'T YOU GONNA ANSWER THE PHONE?

[phone continues ringing] IS THAT THE PHONE?

I THOUGHT MY LIPS WERE RINGING.

[both chuckling]

[sharply] WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

BRIAN, IS JOE THERE?

NO, JOE IS NOT HERE. I THOUGHT HE WAS WITH YOU AT YOUR SPECIAL PLACE.

(Helen) WELL, HE'S NOT.

I'VE BEEN WAITING AT THIS DAMN RESTAURANT FOR OVER AN HOUR.

RESTAURANT?

YEAH. DOWN AT PONTRELLI'S.

OH--OH, Y-YES, YES. WELL, YOU KNOW HE...

HE JUST GOT A LATE START, IS ALL.

BUT I'M-- I'M SURE HE'LL BE THERE ANY SECOND NOW.

OH, OK, THANKS.

IT'S OK.

NOW,

STEPHANIE, I--I HATE TO LEAVE YOU AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE,

BUT I'VE GOTTA DELIVER A MESSAGE TO MY BROTHER,

OTHERWISE HIS GIRLFRIEND WILL HATE HIM FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL BE HERE UPON MY RETURN.

ABSOLUTELY. NO PROBLEM.

THANK YOU.

AND WHEN YOU GET BACK,

I'LL BE WEARING THIS.

I MEAN, WE'RE BROTHERS,

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE SIAMESE TWINS, YOU KNOW?

GO. GO?

GO.

HELEN?

HEY!

SORRY.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. IT WAS MY MISTAKE.

[car door slams] WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

UH, JUST LOOKING--

YEAH. I NOTICED. LISTEN,

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I CAME UP HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE ALONE?

I--I--I'M NOT ALONE. I'M WAITING FOR SOMEONE.

JOE! YO!

[tires skidding]

[laughing] THIS IS PERFECT.

HEY, ELAINE! HE'S WAITIN' FOR ANOTHER GUY!

IT'S NOT ANOTHER GUY, IT'S MY BROTHER.

OH. AND I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHIN' WEIRD.

BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

FREEZING MY GIBLETS OFF SO I COULD SAVE YOURS.

NOW, LOOK, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG SPECIAL PLACE.

HELEN HAS BEEN SITTING AT PONTRELLI'S FOR THE LAST HOUR.

PONTRELLI'S? YEAH.

GREAT.

MY SPECIAL PLACE IS WHERE WE KISSED,

AND HER SPECIAL PLACE IS WHERE WE ATE.

ALL RIGHT, THROW THE BIKE IN THE BACK. GET IN, LET'S GO.

[engine sputtering]

COME ON, COME ON. COME ON.

COME ON.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

IT'S DEAD.

GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THE BIKE.

BUT WHY DON'T WE JUST ASK HIM IF HE'LL JUMP US?

NO, PLEASE, DON'T.

GET ON.

(Joe) BY THE WAY, NICE DRESS.

WHAT, THIS OLD THING?

SO.

NO, HE DOES NOT SHOW.

I HATE TO SEE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ALONE ON SUCH A ROMANTIC NIGHT.

GIACOMO!

[beckoning in Italian]

HE'S ONLY A BUSBOY NOW, BUT HE HAS "HEADWAITER" WRITTEN ALL OVER HIM.

OH. YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY... I'M--

SIGNORINA, MEET MY COUSIN GIACOMO.

HELLO.

YOUR VALENTINE FOR THIS EVENING.

[clears throat]

HI.

[making sexual allusions in Italian]

[speaking Italian]

WHAT'D HE SAY?

HE SAY YOU'RE NICE.

SO, KAREN.

YES, ROY?

HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN A WOMAN?

WHAT?

I'M NOT SAYING THEY DIDN'T DO A GOOD JOB.

DO YOU MIND IF I'M HONEST WITH YOU?

WELL, WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.

YOU LIED ABOUT YOUR LOOKS, FINE.

I DON'T GET HUNG UP ON LOOKS.

AND AT FIRST, I FOUND YOUR...AWKWARD SHYNESS TO BE ENDEARING.

BUT YOUR OVERWHELMING INSECURITY

AND YOUR TOTAL LACK OF SELF-ESTEEM

BORDERS ON THE PATHETIC.

SO, ALTHOUGH YOU WERE NOT UNATTRACTIVE TO ME WHEN WE FIRST MET,

YOU HAVE CERTAINLY BECOME SO.

I'M SORRY, BUT CONSIDER THIS DATE OFFICIALLY OVER.

I KNEW IT! YOU'RE AFRAID OF COMMITMENT!

WELL, ROY, LOOKS LIKE WE'VE BOTH BEEN LEFT IN THE LURCH.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DATE?

OH, SHE TURNED OUT TO BE A REAL SCREWBALL.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

JOE STOOD ME UP.

I ASKED HIM TO MEET ME HERE, BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE WE HAD OUR FIRST DATE.

BUT, I GUESS HE'S STILL MAD AT ME.

I THOUGHT YOUR FIRST DATE WAS WHEN YOU WENT TO PARK UP AT INDIAN POINT.

NO, NO, THAT WAS AFTER. WE WENT HERE FIRST.

SURELY JOE WOULDN'T HAVE...

SEE YOU, ROY. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

SO.

YOU, TOO, ARE ALONE.

ANGELA!

[beckoning in Italian]

[cutlery clinking]

[panting]

SIGNORE, CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, Y-YEAH, YEAH, MAYBE. I'M LOOKING FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S A CUTE BLONDE, ABOUT THIS TALL...

SO!

FINALLY, HE COMES.

SO, SHE WAS HERE?

YES. ALL ALONE, FOR 2 HOURS.

SIGNORE, I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE.

WAIT, BUT I--I--

GIACOMO!

[beckoning in Italian]

SIGNORE, THIS MAN CAN DISEMBOWEL A PIG IN 28 SECONDS.

PIG, YOU,

NO DIFFERENCE.

MAYBE 5 SECONDS.

WHY YOU DO THIS THING TO SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LADY?

[stuttering] IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING.

I--I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA MEET IN ONE PLACE,

AND SHE THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA MEET IN ANOTHER.

[groaning]

THIS IS SO SAD.

STAR-CROSSED LOVERS.

ROMEO E JULIET, SI? AH!

WELL, THIS IS JUST GREAT.

SIGNORE, PLEASE, YOU SIT. YOU SIT.

GIACOMO, SOME CHIANTI FOR MY FRIEND.

[exclaiming]

COFFEE, UH, BREAK.

HIS FIRST WORDS OF ENGLISH.

CHIANTI! CHIANTI!

WOMEN.

THEY NEVER SEE ANYTHING FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE.

THEY ALWAYS TAKE THE FEMALE SIDE.

[complaining in Italian]

THEY'RE ALL SPOILED LITTLE BAMBINE.

THEY DON'T GET THEIR WAY, AND IT'S...

[feigning crying]

[all singing La Donna Mobile]

JOE, WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON HERE?

WHAT--

I JUST GOT BACK FROM INDIAN POINT,

WHERE SOME KID TOLD ME THAT YOU LEFT ON A BIKE

WITH A MAN WEARING A DRESS.

THAT WAS BRIAN.

DO YOU MIND IF WE HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY?

HEY, HELEN, HELEN.

[with Italian-American accent] ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY TO ME,

YOU CAN SAY IN FRONT OF MY GOOMBAS.

[all cheering]

JOE.

OH, OK, OK, OK.

[speaking Italian]

GRAZIE, GRAZIE, GRAZIE.

[all chattering]

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO SPEAK ITALIAN?

I DON'T SPEAK ITALIAN.

JOE, HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT INDIAN POINT WAS OUR SPECIAL PLACE?

THIS RESTAURANT IS WHERE WE HAD OUR FIRST ROMANTIC DINNER.

YEAH, BUT, HELEN, INDIAN POINT...

IT'S WHERE WE HAD OUR FIRST ROMANTIC KISS.

OK. I GUESS THAT WAS KINDA SPECIAL.

OH, I REALLY MESSED THIS UP, DIDN'T I?

NO, JOE, I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU ABOUT THOSE CHOCOLATES.

WELL, IT WAS PRETTY INSENSITIVE OF ME TO GIVE YOU THAT CANDY.

CANNOLI?

NO, THANK YOU.

I JUST WANTED THIS VALENTINE'S DAY TO BE EXTRA-SPECIAL.

NEVER HAD A GOOD ONE. NEVER.

NEVER?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE FATTEST GIRL IN SCHOOL ON VALENTINE'S DAY?

NOPE.

YOU KNOW HOW EVERYBODY WOULD EXCHANGE VALENTINES?

WELL, EVERYONE WOULD GET ALL THESE REALLY GREAT ONES, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

LIKE MICKEY KISSING MINNIE.

AND I'D ALWAYS GET THE LAME-O ONES

LIKE DOPEY HUGGIN' A TREE STUMP.

AND I ONLY GOT THAT BECAUSE THE TEACHER TOLD THE BOYS

THEY HAD TO GIVE ONE TO EVERYBODY.

DOPEY'S CUTE.

DOPEY'S A BALD DWARF WITH BIG EARS.

AND THEN, THE ONLY DATE I WOULD HAVE ON VALENTINE'S DAY

WOULD BE A 2-POUND BOX OF CHOCOLATES

WHICH I BOUGHT FOR MYSELF,

THEN AFTER AN HOUR, WHEN IT WAS GONE,

I WOULD BE ALL ALONE AGAIN.

SO SOMETIMES, LIKE WHEN YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP TONIGHT,

I JUST STILL SEE MYSELF AS THAT FAT LITTLE GIRL.

HEY, HELEN, I AM SITTING HERE, AND I SEE A...

A WARM, TENDER, SEXY WOMAN WITH...

SOFT EYES,

AND A BIG HEART.

OH, YOU'RE DRUNK.

BUT I'M NOT BLIND.

[sighing]

THANK YOU, JOE.

BE MY VALENTINE?

[sniffling] BE MINE.

THAT'S AMORE.