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"Will & Grace" is recorded
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in front of a live studio audience.
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Do you have to go so slow?
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I'm being careful. Precious cargo.
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It's a watermelon.
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I'm not gonna test out a new stroller
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with an actual baby.
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I'm not a crazy person.
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Do you think she's dressed warm enough?
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[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
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[CLEARS THROAT]
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Why is it shiny?
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Oh, my God.
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00:00:27,965 --> 00:00:31,105
Did you put sunscreen on that watermelon?
15
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To prevent what? Melon-noma?
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You've been a wack-a-doo
ever since you met
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with that baby proofer.
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Mr. Ow-ie made everything very real,
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and you're just mad because
I baby proofed the snack drawer
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and you had to bite it open.
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You're having a baby, too.
Why aren't you terrified?
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I am terrified, of you.
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Why don't you eat your feelings
like normal people?
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Just relax. Calm down.
25
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I am calm. I am relaxed.
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[ELEVATOR RUMBLES, ALARM RINGS]
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[SCREAMS] Get me off of this death trap!
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No, no, no! You pressed James's floor!
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James?
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Oh, the guy you slept with his son?
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Okay, we don't have
to revisit the whole thing...
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- And his father?
- Okay, that's enough.
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And... and you took such a massive dump,
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it destroyed his apartment?
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My pain and embarrassment
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should not bring you so much amusement.
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And yet, it does.
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Grace, what are the odds
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he's gonna be in the hallway right now?
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[ELEVATOR DOOR DINGS]
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Turns out, pretty good.
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Hello, Grace.
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Hi, James.
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Uh, Melon-ie and I
are gonna take the stairs.
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[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]
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Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
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So, how's work?
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It's good.
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Good.
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Oh, I read about that new dolphin
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that you guys have at the...
at the aquarium.
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It's a porpoise, actually.
53
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I have always wanted
to swim with a dolphin.
54
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Again, porpoise.
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Uh, unfortunately,
it's closed to the public,
56
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but I guess I could make an exception.
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For you. [CHUCKLES]
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Really?
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After everything I've done to you?
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[CHUCKLES] Ah, let's look at it this way.
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You can't do anything worse.
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[LAUGHS]
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Will, brunch! Hurry up!
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I can't let my blood alcohol
level get too low,
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or I'll realize my friends are boring.
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Just one more emergency drill.
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- Jack, are you timing me?
- On it.
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On your mark, get set...
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[MIMICS FIRING GUN] Whatever.
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Okay, this time it's an earthquake.
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Rare in Manhattan, but not impossible.
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Jack, hold it like it's a baby,
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not like it's an adult man
who likes to dress like a baby.
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Aww, your daddy lashes out
so he doesn't have
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to work on himself. Yes, he does.
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Just wrap this securely,
grab some formula,
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and then get you safely out
of the building.
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[THUDS]
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And the fruit is now a vegetable.
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That's good baby.
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How am I ever gonna get through this?
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There's... there's so many
terrible things out there
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I have to protect this baby from.
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How does any parent sleep at night?
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Alcohol and sleeping pills.
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But... and this is important...
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you have to take them together.
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Okay, dear.
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I knew this was coming.
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We have got to get you to relax.
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I can read it all over your face
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because your stress pimples
are like Braille.
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No... more...
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00:04:02,977 --> 00:04:04,977
Dairy. Yeah, come on.
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Let's go.
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00:04:06,772 --> 00:04:08,472
I know just the place. Come on.
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Okay, fine.
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00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,417
Can't wait to see what filthy,
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depraved hellhole you're taking me to.
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00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,189
As long as there's a drag queen
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calling out bingo numbers, I'm happy.
102
00:04:21,723 --> 00:04:23,156
So, what?
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This turns into a disco later,
104
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or do we have to pass through the back
105
00:04:26,161 --> 00:04:27,093
to get to the real club?
106
00:04:27,129 --> 00:04:30,230
No, this is it. This is my church.
107
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What?
108
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:32,898
You go to church?
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Every Sunday morning.
110
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Hemsworth, Chalamet, Gyllenhaal, Jonas.
111
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You always tell me you're spending time
112
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with your mom on Sunday mornings.
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Yeah, this is where we go,
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and we're always an hour late
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because she can't find the right hat.
116
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It's a church,
not the Kentucky Derby, Judith.
117
00:04:53,588 --> 00:04:56,021
Well, I don't know why
you brought me here,
118
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but I have to tinkle.
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Time to turn the wine into water.
120
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[WIND BLOWING]
121
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Well, those prayers
ain't getting answered.
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[PIANO MUSIC]
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♪ ♪
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Wow, look at those big flippers.
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Aww, that's the first time
a man's said that to me
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when I was actually wearing flippers.
127
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- Well, you look adorable.
- [GIGGLES]
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You know, I was thinking,
129
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maybe we could grab dinner later?
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00:05:29,552 --> 00:05:31,819
I mean, if you're interested
in giving us another try.
131
00:05:33,122 --> 00:05:37,421
Uh, well, the short answer
is I can't believe
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how forgiving you are.
Maybe too forgiving.
133
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But then again,
someone who could forgive my mistakes
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00:05:42,341 --> 00:05:45,714
might be the quality that
I need most in a man,
135
00:05:45,749 --> 00:05:51,655
so, yes, I would love
to give us another try.
136
00:05:52,306 --> 00:05:53,806
That was the short answer?
137
00:05:54,750 --> 00:05:56,190
Look, I'm gonna go get my gear on
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and then you can meet Nook-Nook.
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- [LAUGHS]
- But technically,
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you're not supposed to be in here,
141
00:06:01,064 --> 00:06:03,465
so please do me a favor and do not cross
142
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:04,933
that yellow line until I get back.
143
00:06:04,968 --> 00:06:07,502
- [DOOR BEEPS]
- Yes, sir.
144
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[WATER SPLASHING]
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- Oh, there you are!
- [NOOK-NOOK CLICKING]
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[CLICKING CONTINUES]
147
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Hi!
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Look at that smile.
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I'm gonna take a picture with you.
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00:06:20,383 --> 00:06:22,516
- Yes, I am.
- [NOOK-NOOK CHIRPING]
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Okay.
152
00:06:23,853 --> 00:06:25,019
Oh, no, that's not good.
153
00:06:25,055 --> 00:06:27,088
- [NOOK-NOOK CLICKING]
- It's... it's... it's me.
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It's not you. You're good.
155
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Great skin.
156
00:06:30,093 --> 00:06:31,926
Now smile. [SHOUTS]
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[SPLASHING]
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[HUMMING]
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[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
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[MIMICS SINGING IN LATIN]
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♪ ♪
162
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Oh!
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Huh. No toilet paper.
164
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Oh, hold on. No toilet.
165
00:06:53,315 --> 00:06:55,549
Okay, looks like we're going
all third world
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up in this thing.
167
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Oh, my God! I'm petting a dolphin!
168
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[GASPS] Oh, you like that?
169
00:07:02,928 --> 00:07:04,894
Am I gonna tickle your belly?
170
00:07:04,930 --> 00:07:06,830
Huh? Is that your belly button?
171
00:07:06,865 --> 00:07:07,909
- [LAUGHS]
- [NOOK-NOOK SQUEALS]
172
00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:09,043
Wow, that's a big belly button.
173
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:14,070
Wow, you are really,
really liking that, aren't you?
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[NOOK-NOOK SQUEALS]
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Oh.
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That wasn't your belly button.
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00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,913
[PIANO MUSIC]
178
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Oh, hey, buddy.
179
00:07:26,784 --> 00:07:29,318
You got any toilet paper in your stall?
180
00:07:29,354 --> 00:07:30,486
No.
181
00:07:30,521 --> 00:07:33,322
How about two fives for a ten?
182
00:07:33,358 --> 00:07:34,790
This is a confessional.
183
00:07:34,826 --> 00:07:36,060
If you're looking for the bathroom...
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00:07:36,084 --> 00:07:37,092
No, I'm good.
185
00:07:37,127 --> 00:07:39,695
I can put the cork back in
till it's time to party.
186
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:46,356
So, what goes on in here?
187
00:07:46,392 --> 00:07:49,226
People come here
to be absolved of their sins.
188
00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,428
Ooh, I wanna play.
189
00:07:51,463 --> 00:07:52,830
Then start by saying,
190
00:07:52,865 --> 00:07:54,965
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
191
00:07:55,001 --> 00:07:57,567
- What if I haven't sinned?
- Of course you have.
192
00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:58,968
Everyone sins.
193
00:07:59,004 --> 00:08:00,937
Well, there must be someone
you've wronged,
194
00:08:00,972 --> 00:08:03,205
some commandment you've broken.
195
00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:06,676
Padre, the only thing
a burning bush ever told me
196
00:08:06,711 --> 00:08:08,680
was go get penicillin.
197
00:08:11,149 --> 00:08:13,816
Well maybe then talk about
the times you've lied.
198
00:08:13,852 --> 00:08:18,387
Or, uh, stolen. Or betrayed another.
199
00:08:18,423 --> 00:08:19,555
Okay.
200
00:08:19,590 --> 00:08:21,170
We're gonna be here for a while.
201
00:08:21,205 --> 00:08:24,226
You in the mood for
a little God's baby powder?
202
00:08:24,262 --> 00:08:25,928
[PIANO MUSIC]
203
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,289
I'm still in shock that you come here.
204
00:08:28,324 --> 00:08:30,391
Why? You know I grew up Catholic.
205
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:33,494
Yeah, but it's a hidden level
I didn't know you had.
206
00:08:33,529 --> 00:08:35,775
It's... it's like discovering
that an inflatable kiddie pool
207
00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:37,665
has a deep end.
208
00:08:37,701 --> 00:08:40,034
'Cause we are in the Lord's house,
209
00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:42,236
I shalt not make a joke
about my deep end.
210
00:08:44,473 --> 00:08:46,373
I like it here.
211
00:08:46,409 --> 00:08:48,242
Reminds me of my favorite movie.
212
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,178
Let me guess: "Sister Act."
213
00:08:50,213 --> 00:08:51,389
No.
214
00:08:52,548 --> 00:08:54,949
"Sister Act 2."
215
00:08:56,618 --> 00:08:59,886
♪ Joyful, joyful Lord we adore thee ♪
216
00:08:59,922 --> 00:09:03,556
♪ God of glory Lord of lords ♪
217
00:09:03,592 --> 00:09:05,525
♪ Ah, ah ♪
218
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,262
By the way,
219
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,763
it's nice to feel like
220
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,577
someone's always
looking out for me, you know?
221
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:12,234
I just find it hard to believe
222
00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:13,435
in something you can't see.
223
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,837
I mean, what... what if I said
there was a... a magic rabbit
224
00:09:15,872 --> 00:09:18,206
that controlled the universe?
You'd say, "Prove it."
225
00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:20,708
I'd say, "I can't." End of discussion.
226
00:09:20,744 --> 00:09:22,644
[GROANS] Look.
227
00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:25,647
- Have you ever seen "NCIS?"
- No.
228
00:09:25,682 --> 00:09:27,914
Has anyone you know ever seen it?
229
00:09:27,950 --> 00:09:29,116
No.
230
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:31,721
But you still believe it exists.
231
00:09:34,890 --> 00:09:39,145
Will, God is "NCIS."
232
00:09:41,063 --> 00:09:43,197
What about all the bad stuff
that's been done
233
00:09:43,232 --> 00:09:45,766
"in the name of the church"
to people like you and me?
234
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:49,336
There's maybe three references
in there to homosexuality
235
00:09:49,372 --> 00:09:51,605
and, like, 12 about not eating shellfish,
236
00:09:51,641 --> 00:09:54,519
but you don't see religious
bigots picketing Red Lobster.
237
00:09:54,544 --> 00:09:56,177
So they pick and choose.
238
00:09:56,212 --> 00:09:57,745
We can pick and choose, too.
239
00:09:57,781 --> 00:10:00,548
It's like that bar we used
to go to on 8th Street
240
00:10:00,584 --> 00:10:02,450
with the bad music
and the watered-down drinks.
241
00:10:02,485 --> 00:10:04,184
Oh, the guys there were so hot, though.
242
00:10:04,219 --> 00:10:06,854
Exactly, so we kept going back,
243
00:10:06,889 --> 00:10:08,922
because despite the issues,
244
00:10:08,958 --> 00:10:10,457
it had something to offer.
245
00:10:12,427 --> 00:10:17,898
So God is "NCIS"
and the Bible is the Rawhide?
246
00:10:20,068 --> 00:10:21,368
You're catching on, my child.
247
00:10:24,070 --> 00:10:27,372
[PIANO MUSIC]
248
00:10:28,077 --> 00:10:29,944
- You ready to meet Nook-Nook?
- You betcha.
249
00:10:29,979 --> 00:10:31,245
[NOOK-NOOK CHIRPING]
250
00:10:31,281 --> 00:10:32,881
You didn't cross the line, did you?
251
00:10:32,916 --> 00:10:35,416
Nope. No lines were crossed.
252
00:10:35,451 --> 00:10:38,218
Wow, she's really excited to meet you.
253
00:10:38,253 --> 00:10:41,658
I, uh, guess I just must have
a way with animals.
254
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,950
Okay, before we get in,
a few precautions.
255
00:10:43,985 --> 00:10:45,051
Because she's mating,
256
00:10:45,086 --> 00:10:47,854
right now Nook-Nook is in
a highly sexualized state.
257
00:10:47,889 --> 00:10:49,889
Yeah, tell me about it.
258
00:10:49,924 --> 00:10:51,958
I mean, she needs
to be handled very carefully.
259
00:10:51,993 --> 00:10:54,393
We can't do anything
to disrupt the process.
260
00:10:54,428 --> 00:10:57,630
Hypothetically,
would it disrupt the process
261
00:10:57,666 --> 00:11:02,334
if she were to, say, pleasure herself?
262
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,504
Well, they don't have hands,
so... but, yeah.
263
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:06,794
Hypothetically, I mean,
264
00:11:06,829 --> 00:11:09,075
that would seriously upset
her ability to mate,
265
00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:10,349
which would be a tragedy
266
00:11:10,385 --> 00:11:12,947
because she's the last female
of her species.
267
00:11:14,214 --> 00:11:15,681
Have you looked everywhere?
268
00:11:17,217 --> 00:11:19,751
Of course we have.
269
00:11:19,787 --> 00:11:23,155
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
270
00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:25,824
Hello? Oh, okay.
271
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:28,259
Um, I'll be right there.
272
00:11:28,295 --> 00:11:30,028
That was security.
273
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,564
Some surveillance footage
they want me to see.
274
00:11:32,599 --> 00:11:34,243
- [DOOR BEEPS]
- There are cameras in here?
275
00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:35,834
Oh, yeah. They're all over.
276
00:11:39,306 --> 00:11:42,373
Oh, my God. Hey, no means no.
277
00:11:42,409 --> 00:11:43,942
[NOOK-NOOK SQUEALS]
278
00:11:43,977 --> 00:11:45,243
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
279
00:11:45,278 --> 00:11:46,844
[NOOK-NOOK SQUEAKING]
280
00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:48,746
It's almost like you're having a...
281
00:11:48,781 --> 00:11:50,981
- [NOOK-NOOK SQUEAKS]
- [WATER SPLASHING]
282
00:11:55,255 --> 00:11:58,122
What is wrong with you?!
283
00:11:58,157 --> 00:11:59,724
I've read about people like her.
284
00:11:59,759 --> 00:12:01,892
- It's a fetish.
- It's not a fetish.
285
00:12:01,928 --> 00:12:04,862
Oh, that's right. They think it's love.
286
00:12:06,299 --> 00:12:09,701
Okay, okay, this is not my finest moment.
287
00:12:09,736 --> 00:12:11,436
Mm.
288
00:12:13,906 --> 00:12:17,774
But in my defense,
289
00:12:17,809 --> 00:12:18,975
she came on to me.
290
00:12:19,010 --> 00:12:20,544
You're blaming the fish?
291
00:12:20,579 --> 00:12:23,947
This is the worst thing
you have ever done,
292
00:12:23,982 --> 00:12:25,094
and that's saying a lot.
293
00:12:25,130 --> 00:12:27,251
Is she the one who took a giant Cr...
294
00:12:27,286 --> 00:12:28,885
Yes, Genevieve!
295
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,321
[LAUGHING]
296
00:12:31,357 --> 00:12:33,790
[PIANO MUSIC]
297
00:12:33,825 --> 00:12:37,394
It took three maids
to clean up all that blood.
298
00:12:39,465 --> 00:12:42,733
And two butlers to get rid
of the three maids.
299
00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:46,303
But in the end,
it was like it never happened,
300
00:12:46,338 --> 00:12:48,405
and he got elected President.
301
00:12:50,108 --> 00:12:52,575
And you don't think any
of that is sinful?
302
00:12:52,610 --> 00:12:53,743
What sin? No sin.
303
00:12:53,778 --> 00:12:55,911
You're the sinner. Fake news.
304
00:12:57,348 --> 00:12:58,814
[KNOCKING]
305
00:12:58,849 --> 00:13:00,316
Oh, hold on.
306
00:13:00,351 --> 00:13:01,629
I thought this might take a while,
307
00:13:01,653 --> 00:13:03,653
so I ordered a little snicky-snack.
308
00:13:05,890 --> 00:13:07,290
Smitty?
309
00:13:07,325 --> 00:13:08,791
Hello, Mrs. Walker.
310
00:13:08,826 --> 00:13:11,627
Oh, you're delivering Postmates?
311
00:13:11,663 --> 00:13:14,430
What happened to your job
at the Old King Cole Bar?
312
00:13:14,465 --> 00:13:16,821
It's... it's not a good story.
313
00:13:17,669 --> 00:13:19,769
Hang on to your yarmulke, Rabbi.
314
00:13:22,707 --> 00:13:25,207
Tragedy plus Smitty equals comedy.
315
00:13:25,242 --> 00:13:26,942
[KNOCKS]
316
00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:30,478
Well, I... I didn't know
that they had just waxed
317
00:13:30,514 --> 00:13:33,782
the marble steps outside the bar.
318
00:13:33,818 --> 00:13:36,051
Okay, you can see this one coming,
319
00:13:36,086 --> 00:13:38,020
but you'll enjoy the ride.
320
00:13:38,823 --> 00:13:42,490
The doctors say that I shattered my hips
321
00:13:42,526 --> 00:13:44,019
on the first stair,
322
00:13:44,054 --> 00:13:46,962
but by the time I got
to the bottom of the landing,
323
00:13:46,997 --> 00:13:51,599
well, I was more jigsaw puzzle than man.
324
00:13:57,674 --> 00:14:00,114
Hold on. He's gonna top it.
325
00:14:01,078 --> 00:14:05,513
Well, maybe you noticed that
I was a few inches shorter,
326
00:14:05,549 --> 00:14:11,720
and... and... and that's because
my pelvis is gone.
327
00:14:13,724 --> 00:14:17,892
I... I have no lap
for my great grandchildren
328
00:14:17,927 --> 00:14:19,427
to sit on.
329
00:14:19,463 --> 00:14:20,862
[WHEEZING]
330
00:14:22,466 --> 00:14:24,566
And there it is.
331
00:14:25,902 --> 00:14:28,035
Ah, Smitty.
332
00:14:28,071 --> 00:14:30,571
Five stars.
333
00:14:34,878 --> 00:14:36,043
Don't you think laughing
334
00:14:36,079 --> 00:14:38,512
at another soul's misfortune is sinful?
335
00:14:38,547 --> 00:14:40,447
What? No.
336
00:14:40,483 --> 00:14:42,283
That's our thing
we've been doing for years.
337
00:14:42,318 --> 00:14:43,817
He loves it.
338
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,520
Are you sure about that?
339
00:14:46,555 --> 00:14:48,022
Have you ever asked him?
340
00:14:49,458 --> 00:14:52,593
- No.
- Well then, how can you know?
341
00:14:52,628 --> 00:14:54,929
I guess I can't.
342
00:14:54,964 --> 00:14:57,431
Um, gosh,
343
00:14:57,466 --> 00:14:59,700
if I'd been hurting Smitty
all these years,
344
00:14:59,735 --> 00:15:01,567
that would be a sin.
345
00:15:01,603 --> 00:15:04,070
Oh, I hope I can catch him.
346
00:15:05,908 --> 00:15:08,741
Smitty! Smitty, slow down!
347
00:15:10,312 --> 00:15:13,113
No time to chat, Mrs. Walker.
348
00:15:13,148 --> 00:15:16,132
I gotta be in Brooklyn in 15 minutes.
349
00:15:16,167 --> 00:15:18,618
Oh, uh, listen, Smitty.
350
00:15:18,653 --> 00:15:21,388
I hope you don't mind that
I sometimes let
351
00:15:21,423 --> 00:15:24,391
a giggle or two escape when you tell me
352
00:15:24,426 --> 00:15:26,592
about your adventures.
353
00:15:26,628 --> 00:15:30,297
Oh, not at all. It's nice of you to ask.
354
00:15:30,332 --> 00:15:32,465
Um, truth is,
355
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,734
when those bad things happen to me,
356
00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:36,936
I always think to myself,
357
00:15:36,971 --> 00:15:39,839
"Mrs. Walker's gonna enjoy this."
358
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:44,109
Well, that's nice to know, Smitty,
359
00:15:44,145 --> 00:15:45,778
but all the same,
360
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:47,780
when you get back to your apartment,
361
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:50,149
there's going to be a check to make sure
362
00:15:50,184 --> 00:15:53,352
that you never have to work
for Postmates again.
363
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:54,954
But I... I love it,
364
00:15:54,989 --> 00:15:58,825
and... and this scooter
is a real panty-dropper.
365
00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:00,860
Thank you, Mrs. Walker.
366
00:16:00,895 --> 00:16:02,495
You're welcome, Smitty.
367
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:07,099
Oh, and, um, Smitty?
368
00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:10,001
See you in the funny papers.
369
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,505
Wow.
370
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,174
Look at those shiny stairs.
371
00:16:17,678 --> 00:16:20,278
[THUDDING]
372
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,851
You always have to get the last laugh,
373
00:16:25,886 --> 00:16:27,686
don't you, you big ham?
374
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:33,108
[PIANO MUSIC]
375
00:16:34,353 --> 00:16:35,719
It's funny.
376
00:16:35,721 --> 00:16:37,521
As a kid, I was super religious.
377
00:16:37,523 --> 00:16:39,524
I was an altar boy.
378
00:16:40,229 --> 00:16:43,277
I altered the hem of my frock
to show off my gams.
379
00:16:44,863 --> 00:16:47,698
I like the idea of this father figure
380
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,933
that seemed way more interested in me
381
00:16:49,935 --> 00:16:51,367
than my real dad.
382
00:16:51,369 --> 00:16:55,772
I actually turned to this
for advice, comfort,
383
00:16:55,774 --> 00:16:58,374
and when I started having attractions
384
00:16:58,376 --> 00:16:59,709
and I looked here for help,
385
00:16:59,711 --> 00:17:02,545
I found out I was an abomination,
386
00:17:02,547 --> 00:17:05,633
and this book that had made me
feel less lonely
387
00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:09,137
suddenly made me feel completely alone.
388
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:11,788
Yeah, I was there, too,
389
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:15,091
but God is more than just that book.
390
00:17:15,093 --> 00:17:16,993
It's all so confusing to me.
391
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,728
I mean, wanting someone so much
392
00:17:18,730 --> 00:17:21,898
and then being told
I wasn't supposed to want it,
393
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:25,568
and so many gay guys I knew
just buried those feelings
394
00:17:25,570 --> 00:17:27,637
by getting drunk or high.
395
00:17:27,639 --> 00:17:30,239
Well, Leviticus does say,
396
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:32,074
"If a man lies with another man,
397
00:17:32,076 --> 00:17:33,608
he should be stoned."
398
00:17:35,913 --> 00:17:38,780
[LAUGHING]
399
00:17:39,483 --> 00:17:43,252
So I'm listening.
What do you get out of this?
400
00:17:43,787 --> 00:17:48,457
Well, I come here, I close my eyes,
401
00:17:48,459 --> 00:17:51,660
and I think about what matters to me
402
00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:53,695
and what I'm grateful for,
403
00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:57,366
and a sense of peace comes over me.
404
00:17:57,368 --> 00:18:00,202
- Sounds nice.
- Try it.
405
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:01,564
Now?
406
00:18:02,106 --> 00:18:04,206
Okay. What matters to...
407
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,741
Close your eyes.
408
00:18:08,778 --> 00:18:11,479
What matters to me right now
is protecting my child.
409
00:18:12,949 --> 00:18:14,782
And I'm grateful that
410
00:18:14,784 --> 00:18:16,985
I'm bringing this child into the world.
411
00:18:16,987 --> 00:18:19,020
There you go. Doesn't that feel...
412
00:18:19,022 --> 00:18:21,155
The world where the ice caps are melting,
413
00:18:21,157 --> 00:18:22,790
bees are dying,
414
00:18:22,792 --> 00:18:25,126
low-rise jeans are coming back,
415
00:18:25,128 --> 00:18:28,162
not to mention the fact that
when my kid is in college,
416
00:18:28,164 --> 00:18:29,364
I'll be 70,
417
00:18:29,366 --> 00:18:30,631
and if I ever get to meet my grandkids,
418
00:18:30,633 --> 00:18:32,466
I'll probably be a head in a jar.
419
00:18:32,468 --> 00:18:34,402
Okay, okay, okay.
420
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:36,265
Good first attempt.
421
00:18:37,007 --> 00:18:38,973
I'm sorry, Jack. I...
422
00:18:38,975 --> 00:18:41,742
I actually wish I could have
the faith you have.
423
00:18:41,744 --> 00:18:45,813
Will, you... you're going to be a father.
424
00:18:45,815 --> 00:18:48,549
That's the biggest leap
of faith there is.
425
00:18:48,551 --> 00:18:52,019
That and you buying that box
of supermarket hair dye.
426
00:18:53,322 --> 00:18:54,855
I had a coupon.
427
00:18:56,893 --> 00:18:58,859
And I slept through the timer, all right?
428
00:19:00,195 --> 00:19:01,695
It'll fade. It'll fade.
429
00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:06,066
But, look, the world
is always gonna be filled
430
00:19:06,068 --> 00:19:07,601
with things you can't control.
431
00:19:07,603 --> 00:19:09,403
That's what coming here is for...
432
00:19:09,405 --> 00:19:12,673
to release that
to something outside of you.
433
00:19:12,675 --> 00:19:14,174
Why do you think I'm
so much less stressed out
434
00:19:14,176 --> 00:19:15,676
than you all the time?
435
00:19:15,678 --> 00:19:16,944
I always assumed it was because
436
00:19:16,946 --> 00:19:18,037
I pay for everything
437
00:19:18,039 --> 00:19:19,613
and you have no
responsibilities whatsoever,
438
00:19:19,615 --> 00:19:23,249
but I see your point.
439
00:19:23,251 --> 00:19:24,517
I just don't think I can do
440
00:19:24,519 --> 00:19:27,019
the whole let go and let God thing.
441
00:19:27,021 --> 00:19:28,192
Then...
442
00:19:29,023 --> 00:19:32,291
then let go and let me, hmm?
443
00:19:32,293 --> 00:19:33,927
When it all gets to be too much,
444
00:19:33,929 --> 00:19:37,396
just give me some of that worry
you're holding onto
445
00:19:37,398 --> 00:19:40,467
and let me carry it, huh?
446
00:19:40,469 --> 00:19:42,401
Let me be your church.
447
00:19:44,372 --> 00:19:45,738
Well, I do worship you.
448
00:19:47,876 --> 00:19:49,275
- Thanks, Jack.
- Yeah.
449
00:19:49,277 --> 00:19:50,477
Oh, look.
450
00:19:50,479 --> 00:19:52,545
It's Sodom and Gay Moron.
451
00:19:54,548 --> 00:19:55,982
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
452
00:19:55,984 --> 00:19:59,051
Crap, he knows I'm here.
Let's get out of here.
453
00:19:59,053 --> 00:20:00,586
[KNOCKING]
454
00:20:02,423 --> 00:20:03,889
James, what are you doing here?
455
00:20:03,891 --> 00:20:06,092
Well, naturally, I was fired.
456
00:20:06,094 --> 00:20:08,494
Oh, no.
457
00:20:08,496 --> 00:20:10,429
You'll get another job, right?
458
00:20:10,431 --> 00:20:11,830
With all the aquariums in New York?
459
00:20:11,832 --> 00:20:13,565
No, there's just the one.
460
00:20:16,104 --> 00:20:19,005
I am so, so sorry.
461
00:20:19,007 --> 00:20:20,739
No, I'm sorry, Grace.
462
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:22,508
I got angry with you, but you were right.
463
00:20:22,510 --> 00:20:25,043
It was just an accident,
so I'm here to say...
464
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,446
Can we try again?
465
00:20:31,636 --> 00:20:32,673
What?
466
00:20:33,654 --> 00:20:36,755
Are you out of your mind?
467
00:20:36,757 --> 00:20:40,425
I slept with your son and your father,
468
00:20:40,427 --> 00:20:41,760
and you forgave me.
469
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,662
I pooped your apartment to death,
470
00:20:43,664 --> 00:20:45,931
and you forgave me.
471
00:20:45,933 --> 00:20:51,269
But now I violated a porpoise,
got you fired,
472
00:20:51,271 --> 00:20:53,905
and ended a species!
473
00:20:57,444 --> 00:20:58,543
And I forgive you.
474
00:20:58,545 --> 00:20:59,944
- [BLOW LANDS]
- [GROANS]
475
00:21:03,283 --> 00:21:05,581
What is wrong with you?
476
00:21:06,186 --> 00:21:07,818
I think I'm falling for you!
477
00:21:07,820 --> 00:21:10,488
Raise your standards, man!
478
00:21:11,624 --> 00:21:12,931
[EXHALES SHARPLY] I'm sorry.
479
00:21:12,933 --> 00:21:14,859
I'm sorry. I can't be with someone who
480
00:21:14,861 --> 00:21:16,861
has such terrible taste in women.
33477
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