All language subtitles for The.Unicorn.S01E16.1080p.WEB.H264-AMCON

Hey, Wade.Hey.

Uh... what's up?

Place where I rent my backhoes
says I owe them,

but for some reason
I-I can't find the invoice.

Oh, I can think
of one possible reason.

This is a huge
disorganized nightmare.Oh, yeah.

You're right. Jill used to
handle my paperwork for me.

But I have
a system,

and the system works, okay?

Is this a box of rocks
you got here?

No, those are rock samples.

Will you please put them
back in the rock department?

Okay.Do you want us to help?

Yes, that would be great.

It's a-a pink invoice from
Cramber Equipment Rental.

What's it look like?

It's paper. It's pink.

It's a rectangle.

Do you want
our help or not?

Oh. Sick burn.[sighs]

I'm-I'm sorry. Look, Nat,
I'm a little stressed.

I just landed this big project,

and I've got to get
all my ducks in a row.

You guys remember
Denny and Jeannette?

Yeah.Oh, yeah.
We love

Denny and Jeannette.

Yeah, well, he left her.

[exhales]
Good.

Phew.Oh, my gosh.

He sucks.What a dud.

Boo.Yeah, well,

he also just hired me
to do his new house.

Oh.Hey, look at you.

Oh, he's gonna be fun.How about you, Forrest?

How's your job search going?

Oh, great. Great.

Yeah, there's
just so many different kinds

of opportunities
out there, you know?

I sent out three résumés
this morning.

Oh, wow. Hey,
good for you.
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.
He's getting really into it.

Did you, uh, follow
up with any of them?

No. Just sent 'em out
this morning, so...

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. No, it's just, it's
just good to be proactive.

True. For sure.
But trust me when I say

you just don't want
to come off as too aggressive.

Well, I'm sure you're right.

I am.Okay.

Are you sure?

Yes. Sure am.

Oh, wow, there's
a spider in there!

Where?Spider! Spider!

[dogs barking]

Oh...
WADE:
Hey, buddy.

Let's get you outside.Yeah.

Oh, hey.
Hey, look at that.

He's sitting on top
of the pink invoice.

Good for you.
Get it out of here.

Yeah.
[overlapping shouting]

[dogs barking]

No, no, no!

Jeannette and I had
a great run,

but I'm kind of ready to
get back in the jungle.

Back to my primal instincts.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Uh, so is that a, uh--

is that a yes or a no
on the juniper?

You're the expert.

See, I got that new
Porsche right there.

Damnedest thing.

Everywhere I go, it leaves
a trail of panties behind.

[laughing]
[forced chuckle]

Yeah, so I'm gonna,
I'm gonna yes.

That's a yes on the juniper.

Yeah, okay, now over here,

I, um, I definitely want
to take out the fountain.

Mm-hmm.And I'm thinking about
a-a baby red maple.

Now, trust me,

it's gonna look so
beautiful in the fall.

Right on.

So, you've been single
for what, about a year now?

Yeah.
Where have you been
going to meet chicks?

I-I-I don't-- I
don't know, Denny.

I guess I met some
really nice women

at the PTA meeting
last night.

Hot mamas, huh?

I'm guessing, to crack that
posse, you have to have kids.

Why didn't Jeannette and I
have kids?

Well, I don't know that
that's a-a great reason

to have kids.

But-but, hey, you know what,

let's, uh, let's talk
about fruit trees.

Let's...
Hey, I got an idea.

Is it in any way related
to the landscaping?

Come on, of course.

I suggest we meet at a bar

and discuss plants
and crap over drinks,

and you can give me tips
on dialoguing the hardbodies.

Uh, look, Denny, I don't
really dialogue anyone,

let alone the hardbodies.

And I, uh, I have to meet

a couple of clients
later on today.

Great. To be continued
Friday at the clizzub.

That means club.I know what it means.

[laughs]
I just can't believe
you said it.

Hey. What's up, Meg?

Thanks for watching the kids.No problem.

Dad, did you know that
if you go to prison,

you get to go
to the gym for free?

MICHELLE: What have you got
my kids watching?

A documentary
on the justice system.

This is Passion on Parole.

Well, I put the
closed captions on,

so at least they're reading.

Okay, catch me up.

Okay, so this lady
cheated on her husband,

and then her husband
went to jail.

And then she was like, "I'm
gonna murder this lady..."

No.
Come on.

Oh...
[sighs]

Okay, so how was the game?

We won by two,
and I almost made...
Uh-huh.

Really?
Oh, you got to stop.

That's enough sports
talk for me.

I don't like sports.
It's bad.

I could, but you know it's gonna
take a very long time.Hi.

Pizza! Pizza!

Yay!
[shushing]

Look, the check
is in the mail.

No, I know that the check
is not in your hand, Jack,

because it's in the mail.

Okay? Okay. All right, bye-bye.

Oh, man, I got to put
that check in the mail.

I just got to find it.

Hey, Wade, if you
need help, you know,

Meg is a bookkeeper.

What are you doing?
MEG:
What do you
need help with?

I don't know that I need
anything, necessarily.

BEN:
Sure you do.

And she'll hook you up with the
friends and family discount.

Right, Meg?Mm-hmm.

What are

you doing?

Oh, okay, yeah, Meg, I could--
I could use your help.

Mm.
MICHELLE:
Wade,

you don't have to use Meg

just because Ben asked you
in front of her.

I feel like I
kind of have to.

Do you see what you did?

I thought you'd be happy.
She's your sister.

She had your kids
watching prison shows.

That doesn't make her
a bad accountant, baby.

That just makes her
a bad babysitter.

And she wouldn't even
be here except for

you didn't want to pay Grace.

Don't say that in front of Wade.

I can't believe you.
Why don't you try thinking

before you start talking?

I was thinking.

I was thinking that
she wanted a job,

and you wanted
a free babysitter.

It-It's so much fun
coming over here.

Yeah, it's nice.
We're having...
Right? It is.

Yeah, it's fun.
Yeah.

WADE:
Hey, how are my books coming?

Sorry I let it get
so out of hand.

Got a question.

Who is Norwood?
Mm.

He's one of my guys.

You have given him seven
advances on his salary.

The way you throw cash
at this guy, I was like,

what, is he blackmailing you?

Y'all commit crimes together?

You can tell me,
I'm not a narc.No, no, no, no.

He's a good man.

His elderly parents
just moved in with him,

which is why he, uh,
misses so much work.

He misses work,
so you pay him more?

Well, I mean, not for
missing the work.

And this client
has owed you $1,200

for eight years?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's Mr. Anderson.

He's a great old guy.

He gave Grace his
grandmother's old tea set

for Christmas one year.

That tea set worth $1,200?

God, I hope not.

We sold it at our yard
sale for a buck-fifty.

Hey, everybody.

I'm... home.

FORREST:
Hey, you.

Oh...!
Oh, good Lord.

Hi.
Margarita.

Rocks. No salt.

And just a splash of naranja.

Oh.

This is my favorite drink.

At 5:22.

Yeah, about that.
It's, uh,

great to have you at home.

Um...

I'm, I'm just gonna--
I'm just gonna put that there.Yeah.

How was your day?It was good.

Good, good.

A little more ringworm
than I would like.

[laughs]

Does it smell like,
uh... pork tenderloin?

Yes, it does.

Wow. Smells delicious.
Yeah.

I had it for lunch.

The whole tenderloin?
Yeah.

Okay. Did you leave the house?Yes.

I went and I returned
Addie's shoes.

And then I went to
the grocery store,

got a haircut,
mustache trim,

and, uh, then--
well, that's it.

I came back, and then
I-I scanned the job sites.

Uh-huh.
How'd that go?

They are in.

In...?
The system.

Well, that's where you want 'em,
in the old system.

In the system.
Yeah.

So, is there somebody
that you could...?

No. That's not how it works.

You know, they
have to initiate.

But can't it...?
No.

You can't just...?
Not--

not how it works.

Not how it works.

Oh, well.

[clears throat]

Here, this.Oh.

Okay, well...
[chuckles]
Bang.

It's great to have you at home.Aw.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Hey, Dad. Um...

You're clearly busy, so we're
just gonna go feed the dogs.

Whoa. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, what, what-what's going on?NATALIE:
Okay.

We'll level with you.
You know how we have two dogs?

Yes.Well, now we have three.

Well, that is not
really up to you.

I mean, come on, guys.

I mean, three dogs?
That-That's a lot.

Uh, but he was alone and scared
and he doesn't have a collar.

Isn't he cute?

Yes. I mean...

[nasally]:
he is a cute little fella.

Oh, hi.

[soft laughter]

Okay, all right.
We'll take him to the vet,

find out if he's chipped,
and if nobody comes

to claim him in a few
days, we'll talk.

Thanks, Dad.You're the best.

Come on, Jeff.

Oh, Jeff.

[sighs]

Seriously? Your problems
couldn't be more obvious.

Norwood, that teacup
guy, now that dog?

I'm alone, I'm hungry.
You want to adopt me?

Well-- Okay, yes, I do-- I...

I have a thing for strays.

But I am having
a great year, Meg.

Come on. You've seen
my receivables.

Well, you're not receiving them.

And until you do,
things are tight.How tight?

Because I know
it's a big project,

but I'm gonna drop Denny Lang.

I can't deal with him.

If you weren't so cute,
I would slap you

for saying something so stupid.

But Denny is...We're done.

Yeah, that was a natural
end to the conversation.

[dance music playing]

Denny.

Ooh.
[laughs]

Wade. I'm so glad you made it.

Yeah, you kidding me?
Wouldn't miss it.

[sighs]

Now, look, I've had
that argument before, okay?

There's no such thing
as assless chaps.

Chaps don't have asses.

It's redundant.BARTENDER:
Here you are.

You know what I'm s...?

See, buddy? That's why
I need your advice.

That was my "A" material.

Yeah, yeah, well, uh,
speaking about material,

how do you feel about
board-formed concrete?

It's a little more expensive,
but for your place,

I really think it's worth it.

Wade, you know
money's no object.

Now, you're a good friend and
you're trying to help me out,

but I know you know money
is no object with me.

Hmm. Yeah, well, in that case,

why don't we do a
river rock fire pit?

Hey, ladies,
do you love river rock?

[woman groans]

[chuckles]:
Do the ladies love river rock?

Uh, I don't know, man.
Otters love it.

Come on! Man!

For the time being,
we're just two guys

sitting on fat wallets
with no responsibilities.

We can talk shop later.

Well, I have two kids
and a mortgage.

And two or-or three dogs.

You know what you don't have?

What?
A shot.

Bartender. Can I have a shot

for my buddy? And in fact,

shots all around on me!

[patrons cheering][laughs]
Yeah!

[whoops]
Yay.

I am exhausted. So, I reconciled
all of Wade's accounts.

I got him set up on QuickBooks.

I basically saved
his whole business.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

So I guess you were
wrong about me.

Did you sleep with him?What?

[door opens]Me? He didn't want to.

Even after I pressed the
twins up against him

when I was showing
him his spreadsheet,

and that is, like,
my signature move.

Hey, guys.Hey.

Meg. How'd it go with Wade?

Good. Good.

Did she sleep with him?

Not for lack of trying.

Oh.He is a tough little nut.

He sure is. What a minx.

[laughs softly]

So, um...

can I ask you a question?Mm-hmm.

So, you and Ben were really

going at each other
the other night.

Oh, we were?
What were we fighting about?

About Meg
and the whole Wade thing.

Oh, right, right, right.

[sputters]
Yeah, it's just gone.

What do you mean,
it's just gone?

I mean, it's gone. That's why
we fight, to get it out.

Okay, that-that-that-that-that's
what I want to ask.

Like, how-how do you do that?

Because I... I don't know.

Ever since Forrest lost his job,
I just feel like

I'm just walking on eggshells
around him all the time.

It's... it's been
a little tense.

Ugh, it's just been
really tense.

And I don't know why.

Delia's awesome.
You know that.

Everybody knows that.She is.

And I've been trying to make
me being at home a positive.

You know?

I've reorganized
the entire house.

He put everything
in the wrong place.

I can't find any of my stuff.

I am an active and
involved listener.

I ask her about her day.

The moment I walk in, it's like
the Spanish Inquisition.

Look, I'm telling you, Delia,

when you feel like you're about
to burst, burst.

Let it out.
Clear the air.

Don't keep it
bottled up.

It's not good for your colon,
it's not good for your marriage.

Mm-hmm.

[door opens]

Uh-- bup, bup, bup.
What do you have in your hand?

My backpack.Your other hand.

Oh. Um, a dog.

NATALIE:
Yeah, we couldn't
really just

leave him at home by himself.

U-Uh, yeah, and, um,
he likes to chew on things.

And-and poop on other things.

Uh-uh. No way.
He is making love to my boots.

Take him back
to your house.

Wow. So you're a nurse.

Nurse practitioner.

Do you get a lot
of Jet Ski injuries?

'Cause I was thinking
of buying one of those.

That's cool.

What's your deal?No deal.

Do you come here a lot?

No. No, no, never.

I-I don't really do
a lot of bars.

I, uh, I'm usually at home
with my little girls.

[chuckles]:
Oh, that is so sweet.

How long have you been
divorced?

He's not divorced.
His wife died.

Oh...

We are so sorry.

Thanks. I'm okay.

Yeah, it's rough.

I lost my wife, too.

You did?

Well, I guess
technically that's true.

She's in a better place now.She's in Pittsboro.

She always wanted
to end up there.

That's so sad.Mm.

Yeah, well, I got Wade.Mm.

And Wade's got me.

And now we have you guys.

[chuckles]Denny,

can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Excuse us.[sighs]

Hey, man, what the hell
is wrong with you?

You're telling these women
that Jeannette died?

No, I'm not. I can't help it
if they jump to that conclusion

and we all end up in my hot tub.

[scoffs] You know what?
I-I can't be a part of this.

Hey, what the hell's wrong
with you, man?

We should be helping
each other out.

Us single guys, we're
in the same boat.

We're not in the same boat.

We're not even
in the same ocean.

You chose to leave
your wife.

My wife died.

You would rather be here.

I would rather be home
with my daughters.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

This place is completely lame.

But the night is still young.

Oh, Denny, the night's
not young. The night is over.

And, honestly, you know what?

This-- you and me--
this isn't working.

You're gonna have to find
someone else to do your yard.

Even if it means that Norwood
and his family

have to move into my garage.

Whoa, who the hell's Norwood?

Good night, Denny.

Oh, man, Meg is gonna
have my ass.

Hey. Hey, I'm sorry if I was
a little snippy earlier.

I just-- I didn't have
my apples and nut butter,

and... my blood
sugar just cratered.

No... that's not what it was.Okay.

It wasn't. You're
right. No, it's...

I had a 3 Musketeers
bar and it spiked.No,

Forrest, we have issues

and we have not
been dealing with them.

You're right.

Do you know
what we need?

We need to fight.

But I would crush you.

What? No.
Also, are you sure about that?

Uh, no.

But we do.
We need to have it out.

Like Ben
and Michelle.

That's not how we do.

I know.
It's not how Iwas raised.

I mean,
my parents never fought.

Oh, man, mine did.

Oh, man, it was brutal.

Right up until
they got a divorce.

But they get along now,
of course, you know,

since they met
their new wives.

Yeah, but I don't want to wait
until I'm married to a woman.

I want us
to be happy now. Okay.

I'm in. I'll do
it. Let's go.All right.

Let's fight.Let's fight.

How do you...?I guess we should probably
set some ground rules, maybe?

Yeah. That's a good
idea. Like, uh...

well, no hair pulling.You're joking.
I get it. Ha-ha-ha.

Just trying to lighten
the mood a little bit...No, I know,

but it's just, I'm trying
to start a fight with you,

and you're just
not really cooperating.

Oh, I see, so now you're
micromanaging our fights, too.

Maybe if you could just
take it a little more seriously

than, like, oh, I don't know,
say, like, your job search.

I take that seriously.

Then why do you
change the subject

every time
I try to help you?

Because you're
not helping me.

You're just
pushing my buttons.

You're pushing,
pushing, pushing!

What buttons?!All of my buttons!

You're such
a... doctor.

You just diagnose a
problem, prescribe a pill,

and then it's all
supposed to go away. Poof.

Oh. Well, you're
a terrible patient.

Because I keep diagnosing you,
and you're just not interested

in anything
I'm prescribing.

Because you're wrong!

I-I try to explain
it to you,

and then you make that
face, right there.What face?

The crinkly eyebrows...That's my face!
That's my face, Forrest!

No, you crinkle
up your eyebrows.
Yes, it is.

No, I'm not.
No, like it hurts
your brain...

No.
to try and understand
what I'm saying.

You're like, "Oh, why
don't you try this? Why
don't you try that?"

I'm trying everything.Oh, you've
tried everything?

I've tried everything!Oh, everything?

Yes.Well, have you tried putting
on pants before 11:00 a.m.?

You said you
loved my legs.

I love your legs when
they are walking to a job!

[quietly]:
I... Oh...

What is...? Oh, God.

What's happening?

Forrest.

Do you even love
me anymore?

Do I love you anymore?No, I just...

How can you even ask me
do I love you?
I said that--
I thought it for a second.

I just thought it for
a second, and I said...Forrest,

you are my world.

Yeah? Oh, God,
thank God.
You're my world.

You're my world.God!

You're my world.I hate fighting!

It's terrible.
This is awful.

It's the worst.
Worst.

I love you so much.
I love you.I love you so much.

I love you. I love you.
I love you.I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you.I love you. I love you.

No...

[both grunting]

Are you two okay?

Yes.
Yeah.

We're great.
[chuckling]:
Yeah, really good.

We're really good.Yeah.

[exhales]

[car alarm chirping]

Oh, no.

Damn it. Damn it!

[sighs] Denny, you can't
get in the car, man.

I know. It's so
low to the ground.

[exhales]
Give me the keys.

Come on.

Are you okay, man?

I'm a turd.

You're not a...

Look, come on,
what-what, what's going on?

No, I screwed up, Wade.

Thought I was gonna have
this awesome new life,

and it's all a mess.

You know what I ate today?
I had a frozen burrito,

and I guess I didn't
microwave it

long enough, 'cause when I took
a bite, it chipped a tooth,

except I don't even know
where to get it fixed

because Jeannette made all my
dental appointments for me.

Can you tell me who
my dentist is, Wade?

Can you help me?

Yes.

Come on.
Let's get you home.

[exhales]

Ow.[car alarm chirping]

Will you still
do my yard?

Yes. If you will promise to try
to stop acting like such a...

As a turd?
I promise.

[sighs]
Your dentist is Dr. Vogler.

I used to see Jeannette there.

Will you make an
appointment for me?

I'll teach you how.

[sighs]

Hey.Hey, Wade.

Um...

Thanks for helping me
get home the other night.

Yeah. Right.

And, oh, I, uh...

I brought your check.

Thanks, Denny.

Who's this little guy?Oh, uh, this is

Jeff. He's, uh,
a very good chewer.

Can you
please scooch?Hmm?

You're smooshing me.I'm smooshing you?

Yeah,
you're smooshing me.Am I smooshing you?

You're the one that's
smooshing me.

I'm just sitting here,
doing my thing.

Are we that gross
after we fight?Hell nah.

When we do it,
we're sexy.

DENNY:
Oh, Mr. Jeff,

you want to go play?
[kisses]

Want to go play outside,
Mr. Jeff? Huh?

Mr. Jeff
gonna play outside?

Well, I think I may have
found a home for Jeff.

Mm, well, you got rid
of one stray,

and you're taking in another.Uh, Denny's
not a stray.

He's a good guy. He's just
going through a rough patch,

and he needs a friend.

You don't need more friends.

How about a friend...
who brought a big check?

Well, that you could
use more of.See?

I can be a good businessman
and a good person.

Well, that's what makes
you you. [chuckles]

Hmm.Hmm. Hi.

Do...?
Why not?
People hug.

Ah. Okay. Okay.
Let's hug.

Oh...Mm.

MEG:
Oh, that feels good.

It feels really good.

MEG:
Yes.
Let go of the man, Meg.

Okay.
Oh...

Wow, you work out. Those arms...
I felt every muscle.

Do you have a
fenced-in yard?
Yes.

How high's the fence?
He's a jumper.Five feet.

He needs to go on at
least four walks a day.

You can't mess with his ears.
He'll bite you.Nice dogs, not biters.

Oh, yeah. Make sure you don't
have chocolate in the house.

Also, he needs
a new collar...Uh... Wade?

You gonna help him, or...?Uh, no. No, no-no.
He's, he's good.

I guess Denny isn't
such a bad guy after all.

Yeah, he likes dogs.

Jeff better not tear up
that sweet Porsche.Ooh.

He's got a Porsche?And a Land Rover.

Oh...

I like dogs, too.No, you don't.

You don't know me.

I'm gonna go out and pet that
scruffy little guy. Ooh, yes.

I don't know who to warn
to stay away from who.

[all chuckling]

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
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