Original subtitles

- [Dan] Hello, Internet. - [Phil] Hey, guys. Hi.

- Hello, Internet.

♪ [music] ♪

- Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?

Hello, everyone! Hey, guys. Hello, hello, hello, hello.

- Hello, hello, hello. Hi, hi.

In the middle, hey. How you doing?

At the very top, hi. Hi. How are you?

- Hi. Hello.

- So Hollywood, how are you doing tonight? Are you good? All right.

Well, Dan, at no point in life, thought he'd be saying that, seriously.

But good that you are good. Yes.

- Yeah. So Dan, as we're here in Hollywood...

- We are, indeed.

- I would like three facts about Hollywood, please.

- Wait. What? - Three facts.

- You can't just ask me to give them facts. I don't have anything prepared.

- I mean you must know something about Hollywood. Come on. Fact one.

- Okay. I know something that happened this morning.

We were walking through Hollywood, and we saw

Shrek's star on the Walk of Fame, seriously.

- That we did.

- I am not joking. We were just looking down, and I was like, "Wait. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. My senpai." It was good. It was an emotional moment for me.

- There was actual tears on that Shrek star.

- There were, actually. - Fact two.

- Another fact is that this is the actual theater where the Oscars happen.

That's awesome, right?

You guys, you are sharing seats with some celebrity butts.

I am telling you that, seriously. - Definitely.

- Just soak it up. Oh, yeah.

- Fact three.

- Obviously a fact is that the people of Hollywood have beautiful American accents.

That's true. - Yes.

- It is a wonderful thing for us Brits. I have an idea.

As Phil just so kindly put me on the spot like that,

how's about Phil gives us his best American accent?

- You can't make me do an American accent.

- We all want to hear Phil attempt that. Don't we? Come on.

- I am sorry in advance. Oh, hey, Hollywood. I'm so happy to be here.

That was terrible. That was really bad. - What was that? Okay.

- I'm sorry.

- Well, I don't know about you guys, but I feel like we should move on before we get deported.

Yeah. Right. Well, this is all good.

Phil, I don't want to alarm you or anything, but look around.

What the heck is all of this stuff?

Isn't that one of your house plants, Phil?

- Yes. There's my cactus, Loki.

- Loki?

- Yeah.

- I wasn't aware you started naming your house plants.

- I named the cactus.

- Okay. But no, look. It's the rubber duck from our bathroom or the stickers from your laptop.

- There's my Sharpie collection as well.

- What is under that thing?

- You know I can't resist something covered with a mysterious cloth.

- Should Phil pull it off? Yeah, come on, Phil.

- Wow. - That's huge.

- I'm going to ride it. - You're going to what?

- I'm going to ride it.

- Okay. Phil is mounting the giant lion, everybody.

[cheering]

- It's so majestic.

- Right. So if there was a giant lion under that sheet,

then I wonder what's going to be under that one.

Okay. I think we all know. Let's see. Okay. And it is...

a giant llama. Wow.

Oh, would you look at that? It's like a huge tribute to 2011.

Whatever next? Will a packet of Maltesers and a placenta roll across the stage?

Seriously. Cringe attack.

- Who thinks Dan should mount the llama?

- No, no, no, stop. I'm quite happy down here. Thank you.

- Mount the llama. Mount the llama. Mount the llama. Mount the llama.

- Okay. Fine. Fine. Okay. Geez. Peer pressure. Okay. I'm getting on the llama.

Right. Okay. This is very high. All right. Hey.

- Hey. I wonder if they've got any special features. There's a little button here.

[roar]

That's how I feel every morning.

- Wow. I wonder what the button on mine does.

- Yeah. [llama noise]

- Really? That exact noise?

- Is that how you feel every morning, Dan?

- Yeah, that's kind of how I feel right now, actually.

- So...

- Well, this is a thing then.

[ding]

Guys, this is the thing that we just came through, this thing in the middle here.

Yeah. Yeah. Phil, it appears to be a giant microwave. What?

- Uh-oh. I mean, what?

- Phil, do you know something about the giant microwave?

- Um. - Phil?

- I mean it's a great onomatopoeia. Microwave.

- Nice reference there, Phil. I see. Right. That's it. I'm getting down.

Oh no. I'm gonna die.

Okay. Thank you. Right. Phil, get off the lion.

I think we need to have a little chat about something.

- I can't get down.

- What do you mean you can't get down?

- I'm stuck.

- Oh, you're stuck, are you? That's convenient.

Sorry about this, guys. Very embarrassing. We're having a bit of a domestic here.

I swear to God, I will pull you off the lion if you don't get down right now, Phil.

- It's so high. Ah. Ah.

- This is why you don't mount things. Right. So Phil?

- Well, you know how my laptop's always running out of battery.

- Yeah, because you watch anime in the bath every morning for three hours.

- And how radiation gives people superpowers.

- Yep. Sure, Phil.

- Well, I may have micro-- [cough]

- Sorry, Phil. Could you say that a bit louder for the guys at the back?

- I microwaved my laptop!

- You did what? Why would you microwave your laptop?

- I thought it would increase the battery life.

- Oh, my God. Phil, I don't believe this. That is so dangerous.

Firstly, literally, the entire thing is made out of metal.

Secondly, nobody understands what microwaves do. They do weird things to physics.

I mean you put in corn kernels, and it just comes out like popcorn. What's that about?

- Exactly. - Hang on. Hang on. Dan, I think that's what happened here.

- What?

- I put my laptop in the microwave, and everything inside it pops out like popcorn.

- Wait. Phil, I think you're right. That must be exactly what has happened here.

You microwaved your laptop

and everything inside it and from our YouTube channel has exploded into reality.

- Wow. I'm glad I emptied my recycle bin before that happened.

- Do I want to know?

- No. - Okay.

- So how does that explain these guys then?

- Well, I guess these guys must be our followers from the Internet. Hey. Hey.

- Hey. Wow. - Cool.

- They're like real-life YouTube comments.

- Dear God, that is a terrifying thought.

Wait, wait. What does that mean? If they're real-life YouTube comments,

does that mean we can thumbs them up and thumbs them down and stuff?

- Don't thumbs anyone up or down, please.

- Whoa. Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

Really didn't want to get to thumbing that early in the show.

But no, seriously. See the person right there?

What would happen if I reported them?

Would they just fly into the ceiling and disappear or somethng?

- I think in this universe, that could be murder.

So no blocking, reporting, thumbing. - Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Just leave them alone.

- Well, I think you'll all agree. This is a pretty weird situation.

So I am going to post a cheeky tweet about this. One sec.

All right. Let's see. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, Phil. Something's happened to my phone.

It's a Nokia 3310.

- Awesome. We can play Snake.

- No, Phil. I don't think you've quite understood what's clearly going on here.

- What?

- No more iPhone, everything from your laptop, these guys suddenly in real life.

Phil, you have destroyed the Internet.

Oh, my God. Phil, what do we do?

I don't know how to live without the Internet.

How are we supposed to entertain these people?

I'm used to hiding behind a screen

so I don't have to deal with their reactions.

- Well, you know what my grandma always used to say?

If you microwave your laptop and destroy the universe, make the most out of the situation.

- That's an incredibly specific piece of advice, Phil.

- Seriously though. I mean we're on a stage. We've got an audience.

There's loads of snazzy lights everywhere.

- There are.

- I think I could do something I've always dreamed of.

- Well, what have you always dreamed of doing, Phil?

- Well, something like...

- Phil? Phil, what's happening? Wait, Phil. Why is there music playing?

♪ Whenever I'm alone or if I'm feeling gray, there's one place I can go♪

♪ to brighten up my day. ♪

- Stop. Stop. Stop the music. Stop the music. Hey.

- Hey.

- You turn off that light. You're encouraging him.

Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

I don't want to be that guy, but, Phil, we are YouTubers.

We make videos on the Internet.

We don't burst into song like Troy Bolton.

- Oh. I think we should try something different, a little song, a little dance.

As less-amazing Phil would say, "Try new things."

- Okay. Phil, you can't just say, "Try new things," just like that.

- Well, I just did.

- Well, it looks like we're having a bit of a disagreement about what to do here, Phil.

- Looks like we are.

- Well, how do you suppose we resolve this?

♪ [music] ♪

- It's the 7-Second Challenge.

- Right. Okay. Well, I guess that would be the perfect way to resolve this.

- Yeah.

- In case anyone's as confused as I am right now, Phil,

why don't you explain what the 7-Second Challenge is?

- Hopefully you guys know what the 7-Second Challenge is, right?

Cool. There is one confused dad up there.

- What are you on about?

- Well, basically, you have to do whatever the other person says in seven seconds.

- That's basically it. It's a very simple game.

- Yeah.

- But Phil, what happens after somebody attempts the challenge?

- Well, the other person decides whether they nailed it. [victory noise]

That's sexy. - That was pretty cool, actually.

- Or failed it. [buzzer]

- That's the bad one.

- Sounded like an angry badger. Ehh.

- Yeah, because when badgers attack, that's how they sound. Isn't that right?

Well, I am totally ready to do this, but I don't see how we're going to do the

7-Second Challenge without a timer of any kind.

- Oh, yeah. [ding] Isn't that convenient?

- Okay. Sure. Whatever. I guess that'd work.

- Hey, Dan. I've got an idea. - Yeah.

- Why don't we test it out on these guys?

- Okay. All right. I see where you're going. Okay.

Who is up for some audience participation?

[cheering]

Okay. Well, a lot of you were clearly very excited by that. Good. Good for you.

About half of you though were like, "What? No.

No. Oh, my god. Dan, please. Dan, don't do this to me. No. No. No!"

Don't worry. Do not worry. You have seen my video. I would not do that to you.

Phil, I have an idea.

- Yeah?

- You can all attempt this challenge at the same time.

That is right. Okay.

So I don't want to see a single one of you not joining in

because you are collectively responsible for nailing it or failing it.

Phil, are you ready?

- Yeah. You guys at the top, you're on Phil watch.

- Okay. Right. Let's do this.

[tense music]

Okay, wow. That's tense.

Do you guys feel the tension right now?

- Oh, yeah.

- Good, because this is serious business, okay? Right.

Your challenge is to give me and Phil three different animal impressions in seven seconds.

Okay? Go!

Six, five, four, three, two, one. Stop.

Stop. Please, stop. Wow. Okay.

- Well, that was something.

- It was like the sound of Noah's Ark crashing into a rock.

- We had some geese honking down here, some zebras mating at the top.

- Phil, please. I mean you can't deny that they tried.

I think the effort was definitely there.

- Yeah, I think for effort alone, you all collectively nailed it. [victory noise]

[victory noise]

- All right. Okay. Look, Phil. They applauded themselves.

- Oh.

- No, that's good. You have self-esteem. Yes. Yes.

Cheer for us. Okay.

Well, I guess it's our turn then, Phil. Just one small prob-o.

Where are we going to get challenges from? After all, no app.

I'm just going to stop asking questions.

What's in the box, Phil?

- It's some 7-second challenges.

- Yeah.

- Written by these guys.

- Oh, okay. These guys wrote these? And now we're about to...

I'm not scared or anything. - Guess what, Dan.

- Yeah. - You're going first.

- Why?

- I invented the 7-Second Challenge. So I get to be challenge master.

- Yeah, yeah. Because nobody ever brings that up, right?

Oh, did you know that amazing Phil actually created the 7-Second Challenge?

Okay, okay.

So to be clear what we are playing for here,

If I win, we stick to doing what we do on YouTube.

If you win, you get to do your singing and try new things, whatever they are.

- Oh, yeah.

- Let's do this.

Oh, god. Right, guys. Give me some energy. Charge me up.

[cheering]

Damn. Thank you. All right. I am fricking zazzed now.

- All right. Our first one for you comes from Jackie.

- Okay.

- Who wants you to act out three different memes.

- What? Okay. Wow. Much doge. Very dog.

Oh, I am the crying Pepe.

Oh, waddup? It's dat boi.

[cheering]

Because that was a unicycle. Right, guys?

- I was curious.

- Oh, my god. What is my life?

So the bar for this show has just been set,

and it is down there. Okay.

- Definitely. All right. What do you guys think? Do you think he nailed it?

- Thank you. Come on, Phil.

- I mean you are the king of memes. You nailed it. [victory noise]

- Okay. Thank you. Good start, Danny. Okay. What are you doing?

- I'm just warming up.

- Okay. Watch out, people. Phil is warmed up. Okay. Phil, your first challenge comes

from Kendall, who wants you to do a rap about the nearest object to you. Go.

- Okay. Yo. This candle, cactus, is really green.

If I threw it at Dan, it would be really mean. Word.

- Okay. Okay. Phil. Phil. Did you just embrace the cactus and go, "Word?"

- I did.

- Okay. I am sorry. I'm pretty sure that's offensive.

- I may have called it a candle at first.

- You brought it back. - But I did rhyme at the end.

- It is green, and if you threw it at me, it would be mean. You actually rhymed?

- I rhymed.

- Okay. Here's how we will tell. Who would buy "Cactus" by Phil Lester on iTunes?

[cheering]

Maybe it could be the bonus track on the Ladders EP when that comes out.

Well, the people seem to like it. I'm going to say you nailed it, Phil.

Please put that down. Right. Okay.

One-all. Let's keep this going.

- Let's do it. Okay.

This one comes from Jake.

- Be kind, Jake.

- Who wants you to spell Dan Howell backwards.

- What? Okay. L-L-E-W-O-H, N-A-D?

- I can't believe you did that.

- That was going nowhere in my head. Okay.

- Once you got to W, I was like...

- No idea how to get... There were people in the audience like, "Come on. Come on.

He's doing it. He's doing... Yes." Thank you. Okay. Come on, Phil. Come on.

- Well, you definitely nailed that one. [victory noise]

- All right. Thank you. That pressure was too much. Okay. Phil.

- Yes.

- Your next one comes from Lexi, and you better get this one right.

- Oh, no.

- Phil, name five different breeds of dog. Go.

- Golden retriever, chihuahua, Shiba iIu, Alsatian, yellow dog.

- Yellow dog? [laughter]

- I had to say something.

- Okay. Wait a minute.

- A yellow dog is technically a dog.

- Yellow dog.

- Yellow dog?

- Okay, yeah, we all know the famous dog breed, yellow dog.

What are some of the names of dogs that Phil could have said? Just shout them out, guys.

- It's all coming back to me now.

- Listen to all of the things you could have said.

- Pug. Dalmatian.

- Too little, too late, Phil. You failed it.

Okay. What a shame.

Why is this so competitive? Okay, right.

- Right, okay.

This next one comes from Denna.

- Okay.

- Who wants you to do the sexy end-screen dance.

[cheering]

- It's the sexy end-screen dance.

Just click here, and I'll lose all my self worth. Okay. Yeah, that was...

- Wow.

There is a reason we stopped doing the sexy end-screen dance and Drawful naked.

- Definitely. -They are very inappropriate.

A lot of you clearly enjoyed that, but there are some people like,

"What's just happened?" - What was that?

- Can we just have a moment of silence for the lost end screens of Dan and Phil?

Great decision.

- So these guys seem to enjoy it. So I'm going to say you nailed it.

- Okay. Give me those back.

I nailed it, but at what cost? My dignity. Okay, right.

Phil, this is from Sam, who wants you, thank you, to do an impression of Dan.

- Hi. My name is Dan.

- Okay.

[cheering]

Really? Okay, okay.

You could have done anything,

and you did literally the worst thing you could have done. Okay, whatever.

Was that an accurate Fetus Dan impression?

- I think it was. I think I became Fetus Dan for a second.

- Okay, right. Well, they seem to enjoy it.

I shouldn't have to be bullied in my own stage show,

but I'm going to say you nailed it, Phil. Well done.

- Yes.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You did get that one about the dog breeds wrong,

which I guess means that I won the 7-Second Challenge. All right. Thank you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

I think we need to spice things up a bit.

- Okay. Phil. Phil. No, don't do this.

- I think we need to do all or nothing.

- Okay. Phil. You can't just say, "All or nothing," every time you lose something.

It's for when people draw.

- Just think about the explosions at the end of a movie.

- This guy.

- The slow-motion running. We have all of that right now, here on this stage.

- You know what? You know what?

I will take the bait, like I do every single time.

Phil, you wanna go down in style? That's fine by me. Bring it on.

All or nothing. - All or nothing.

[dramatic noise]

- That is so terrifying.

I am like totally ready to do this, but we have run out of challenges.

So we're gonna have to get some more cards from somewhere.

[evil laughing]

- What was that?

- Phil, the box. The mystery box is glowing.

- Do you think it's radioactive?

- Well, apparently you'll get superpowers if it is.

- Okay. - What is it, Phil?

- It's a mysterious card with a question mark on it.

- Oh. Right. Well, what's on the mysterious card, Phil?

- A 7-Second Challenge.

- It's a challenge? - Yeah.

- Okay then. I guess this can be my one. Are you ready, guys? All or nothing. Okay.

Let's do this. Hit me, Phil.

- Dan. - Yes.

- Turn into a whale and swim to the other side of the room.

- What? I can't get to the other side of the room in seven seconds.

How can I turn into a whale?

[makes whale noises]

- Dan. Dan. Dan!

I mean that was really beautiful, but you're still here.

- Obviously.

- I don't see a blowhole, so you failed it.

And it was all or nothing, which means I win.

- Okay. Right. Give me that card. I don't believe you.

Turn into a whale. This isn't physically possible. Okay.

Who put this here?

- I don't know.

- Right. Well, whatever. I guess Phil won all or nothing. What a surprise.

- All right. - Oh, why did I bother?

- Time to bring some show business to the stage.

- Oh, no.

[cheering]

- Do you know why I'm called Amazing Phil?

[audience] Because you're amazing! -Thank you.

- I mean you told me you're called Amazing Phil

because you wanted to appear first when people are sorted alphabetically.

- It was actually because I always had ambitions to become a magician.

- What?

- Audience, prepare yourselves for the mind-boggling and mildly interesting feats

of the Amazing Phil. [drum roll]

- Phil? Phil, where are you going?

Phil, what do you mean "The Amazing Phil?"

Sorry about this, guys. Phil?

Why is there a drum roll playing? I'm very concerned right now.

Okay. He's got a sparkly box.

And he's wearing a shiny jacket and a top hat. Okay, okay, sure.

Phil? What you got there?

[ta-da sound]

Wow. What a mess. There you go, your first souvenir.

Okay, this is happening.

What you go there, Philly? A little cloth of some kind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, I see what kind of show this is.

Close your eyes, everybody. The Amazing Phil is a stripper, apparently.

[cheering]

What? Okay. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Okay. Sure, sure, fine, right.

I take it back. Let's see what he does.

You want me to force choke you?

Oh, thirsty. You drink. Right, yep, sure. What you got?

Oh, is that Ribena? My fave. Thanks, Phil.

Sorry, but this just seems like a nice favor to do for your buddy.

I don't really see where the magic is with this one.

Okay, okay, wait.

Okay, I don't actually see how he's doing that.

Witch! Get away from me with your Satan water!

Was that necessary? Thanks.

Don't really want the rest of this, funnily enough. Anybody thirsty?

Have a... You actually put up your hand. Wow.

I was joking. That's fine. I'll just put this down here.

Food to go with the drink. Nice. Magic with a story.

What do you have?

It's a sign that says eggs. Okay. Sure.

Flour, right.

Butter. Are these ingredients? Hang on a sec.

Sugar, okay, I think we know where this is going.

I am ready for this, Phil. Give me what I want.

A delicious, juicy...

...picture of a cake.

Thanks, Phil. I appreciate the magic

but you can't eat a picture of a cake, I'm just saying.

Oh my God, you don't have to prove me wrong, you freak.

Thank you. I'll just put this over here.

You okay, Phil? You look like you're gonna barf.

What is that? What is coming out? Do you want me to help?

Right, here we go.

Phil, what is this? Where is this coming from?

Oh, this is so disgusting. It's covered in dribble.

Thank you. Okay.

Who wants some dribbly stuff from Phil's mouth?

Of course you do, of course you do.

You disgust me.

A sketch pad. Doing some art now, are we?

A pen? In the box?

Don't mind me, just being the glamorous assistant for a second, guys.

Okay. Let's... Oh, my god, Phil. Why is there a dead rabbit in your magic...

I mean there's nothing in the box, other than... this pen.

Everything is fine. There you go Phil.

Right, what we drawing? It's a circle.

It's a b... a bal...

A ball. Right, yeah, obviously.

Big sports fan.

A golf ball. Football. Basketball.

Bow... bowel... a bowling ball! I got that before you.

Right, what now, Phil?

-Ah! Ah!

- You sound a bit constipated.

Wait a minute.

Where did this come from?

Hang on a sec.

So you just made a real bowling ball fall out of that drawing,

but you gave me a picture of a cake?

What is wrong with this guy?

Who wants a bowling ball? Here you go.

I don't even know what to say to you anymore.

I'll just put this somewhere safe.

Strike. Continue.

[crashing sound] [screaming]

Jesus.

Oh, great. Another cloth dance. Loved that the first time.

He could've actually impaled me with that. Just saying.

♪ [music] ♪

Phil? Phil, what have you done?

Have you done something to the microwave? Phil, why is it smoking?

Oh my God, this is so dangerous.

Okay guys, you're going to have to tell me what's inside this. I can't see.

What? What is it? Why are people screaming?

Guys? That's it. I'm coming round and looking.

What is that?

- Get in the box.

- I'm not getting in that. - Get in the box.

- This is a terrible idea.

♪ [music] ♪

- What? What?

Oh my God Phil, what have you done to my legs?

- I was trying to make a llama appear, and I think something went wrong.

- You think something went wrong?

If these are here, then where's the other half of the llama?

And does it have my legs?

- I think it's best not to think about that.

- What do I do?

- I mean it looks really great.

- That is not the point.

- I'm sure it's just temporary.

- You're sure it's temporary?

- Yeah.

- Well, how's about I make this whole stupid magic trick disappear?

Give me your outfit.

Okay, really? Phil, can you please take this seriously?

Thank you. Very impressive. Right, jacket.

And the hat.

Oh, oh, he gets sympathy?

Really, people? I don't believe this.

I am going to work out what to do about my little furry situation here.

Phil, while I leave you alone, please just stick to what we do on YouTube.

- Okay. All right.

- Well bye, I guess. Oh no.

- I think it looks great. Look at his little tail.

- Oh, please.

- Well, I guess it's just us then.

[cheering]

So Dan said I should stick to what I know.

I mean normally I'd be fondling my house plants, but...

...maybe not that one.

I don't have my laptop. I don't have my video camera.

Hey, maybe I could try pressing some of these microwave buttons.

Here we go. Three, two, one...

Well that was an anticlimax.

I think they're broken. Should I give it a kick?

[audience] Yes!

[explosion] Woah!

You didn't see that. Don't tell Dan.

What have we got? What is this?

I'm just gonna put this back exactly how it was. There we go.

It's a button that says "Push me."

[cheering]

Okay. If something goes wrong, it is totally your fault.

Here we go.

Oh no.

Is everyone okay?

[cheering]

Is anyone scared of the dark?

Okay, alright. I'll press it again. I'll press it again.

Let there be light.

That felt powerful.

Hey, something's appearing on the microwave. What do we have here?

Oh! You're not meant to see that or that!

Or that!

Hey!

[cheering]

Looks like we've stumbled across Dan's selfie collection.

Oh.

It's his unsuccessful selfie collection. What else have we got?

Oh no, that is not a good angle.

Let's move on from that one.

Oh, I think that's a classic case of accidental front camera.

We've all done that right before, guys. Got any more?

Oh no!

[cheering]

I don't even want to know what is going on there.

Let's move on.

Oh, it's my Weird Kid Files.

I know how to talk about this.

I think I got to where I am today by being a rather strange individual.

I've got a 2007 MySpace haircut. I'm terrified of cheese.

I wear un-matching socks. What have I got on today?

Foxes and sloths.

[cheering]

I think this all stems back to the fact that I was a rather strange child.

Let's have a look at young Phil.

There I am.

That was me, back when I was conjoined to a Zebra.

Me and Susan had great times together.

Let's have a look at some of the reasons why this guy was a weird kid.

Oh, the broken arm.

I'd like to introduce you all to my old school friend Roger.

One fateful July, Roger became the coolest kid in school.

It wasn't because of his shiny Zubat card.

It wasn't because his brother worked at the bowling alley,

which at the time, I thought was the best job ever.

It was actually because Roger had a broken arm.

I was so jealous.

He got time off school.

He had a special helper that would write out all of his homework for him.

People would even draw on his cast.

[cheering]

Which obviously I was super jealous of.

So I decided that I wanted a broken arm like Roger,

but I couldn't do it to myself on purpose.

I had to make it happen "accidentally".

I put toys at the top of the stairs,

in the hope that I'd trip over them and fall down the stairs.

I climbed the tallest and flimsiest tree and hoped that a branch would snap.

Yeah, just appreciating the Photoshop on that one.

Even on my birthday, I blew out all the candles on my cake,

and my wish to the cake genie was,

"Please break my arm, cake genie."

I mean you gota respect that cake genie.

Sadly I never did break my arm,

although I did break my hand in a piggyback race at university.

Turns out broken bones are a lot less cool when you're 18.

That is a reason why I was a weird kid.

[cheering]

Let's see what other stories we've got on here.

Oh, fish.

When I was six, I went on a holiday to Portugal with my parents and my grandma.

One day, she was watching me swim an entire length of the pool, underwater.

That's what I look like when I'm swimming underwater.

When I came up for air she said,

"Oh Phillip. I think you are part fish."

Now, six-year-olds tend to take things quite literally.

So from that moment on I thought it was my destiny

to become some kind of superhero,

Fish Boy.

[cheering]

Yeah, watch out Captain America. Fish Boy's in town.

Now everyone knows a superhero needs some way to activate their powers.

So when I got back from holiday, I went up to the tank of my pet fish Frank, and...

... I ate some of his fish food.

Yes. I actually ate fish food in the hope it would transform me into Fish Boy.

Didn't actually taste that bad.

It was kind of like some cereal you'd find down the back of the sofa.

I'd eat that, over cheese, any day of the week.

Thankfully that didn't poison me, but I never did fulfill my fishy dreams.

That is another reason why I was a weird kid.

Must have room for one more story on here. Let's have a look.

Oh, moving away.

This is an Amazing Phil exclusive. I have not told this one before on the Internet.

[cheering]

As a kid, nothing was cooler or more mysterious

than someone who was moving out of town.

Where were they going? Who were they?

What secret mission was their family on?

It was all I could think about.

So I decided I wanted to be that cool, mysterious kid.

So I lied to all my friends and said I was moving to America.

[cheering]

I said we had a house on the outskirts of Vegas.

I said my mum... [laughter]

I said my mum had got a job at the White House,

which in my head was totally near Las Vegas.

Although maybe Obama has a second White House,

and that's where he keeps all the UFOs.

There's a conspiracy theory for you.

So I was expecting to tell all my friends and them to be like,

"Phil, we're so sad you're leaving. We've erected a giant statue in your honor."

Turns out seven-year-olds aren't that sentimental about friendship,

because they were just like, "All right, okay. Have fun. Bye Phil."

Have fun?

That's all I was worth to you, Roger?

I was crushed.

It's like a steamroller had run over my emotions.

So obviously I never did move to America,

but I had to come up with some kind of excuse.

So I said that we'd been out there for a month, but we had to come back

because the sun was too strong for my pale skin.

That's me after being outside for two minutes. It's a real problem.

Although, I did come back with a fake American accent.

So I was like, "Oh, howdy, guys. I'm back from America."

[cheering]

That was better than the one I did earlier. I'm improving.

But that is another reason why I was a definitely-not-American,

but really weird kid.

[cheering]

- Phillip Michael Lester, you have no idea what I have just been through.

Oh yeah, hey everyone.

- Hey. You got your legs back. See, I told you it'd be temporary.

- Right. I know you did technically win that last 7-Second Challenge, but please

just promise me no more magic

- Okay. No more magic.

- Thank God. Right.

So what were you guys up to while I was having fun?

- Oh, loads of stuff.

Nothing involving your selfie folder though.

- My what? Wait. What were you looking at guys?

- We were actually talking about why I was a weird kid.

- Oh, so you're going to be here for like three hours then. I can go sit down.

- No. We're done with my weird kid stories.

I thought we could get some from these guys.

- Okay, sure.

- Check this out, Dan. Let's have a look at our first victim.

- Okay, I see. We have our first weird kid in the window of shame. Nice.

- Yeah, and it is Elizabeth, who says,

"I used to tie my shoelaces together and run down the street."

- You used to deliberately tie your shoelaces together?

What is wrong with you?

- I mean I know they say snowboarding is an extreme sport,

but shoelace tying is a whole other level.

- Tie it. Let's do this. Okay. Wow.

I mean I just have no idea why you would do that to yourself.

- Yeah. Well, actually I did do that to myself at school so I could get attention.

- Wait. What? - Yeah.

- You tripped yourself up to get sympathy? Phil. Okay.

- Yeah I said it was someone else.

- They're all like, "Aw." Guys, it works. He got the sympathy.

- It worked. Yeah. That was really weird of me as well,

but as I sympathize with it,

I think we need to give these a weirdness ranking, out of five.

- Well, how weird is Elizabeth's story?

- I'm going to give that a three.

- All right. Well, thank you, Elizabeth. - Well done.

- Okay. Wow.

Three rotating Phil child faces, out of five.

- Yeah, definitely earned them. Let's see who's next.

- It's Stephanie.

- I used to talk to an imaginary person outside the window on the fifth floor.

- Okay. - What?

- Height aside, that's really creepy. Just saying.

- That's like something from a horror movie.

- It's like, "Oh, hey there, Stephanie. What you doing?"

"Talking to the ghost of the girl I used to know."

Ah!

- Although my brother did have an imaginary dog called Lasagna.

Just putting that out there.

- Wait. An imaginary dog, called Lasagna?

- Yeah, we had to put food out for it. Yes.

- Okay. You have just one-upped her. Wow.

- I know. But let's be honest, that's pretty weird.

- It is. - So I think I'm going to give that a four.

- A four for Stephanie. All right. Thank you very much, Stephanie.

- Who's next?

- Abigail.

- I used to pretend to eat my stuffed animals at night.

- What?

[mimics Attack On Titan theme] Wow.

When anime goes too far. Okay.

- All that's going through my head is "Toy Story." Think of the children.

- Oh my god. They go to a kindergarten. It's like, "What's it like being Abigail's toy?"

"Don't talk about nighttime!"

Hey, Woody. Where you going?

Argh! Argh! Argh! Wow.

- I mean you know... Yeah, I think that's really weird as well.

- Come on. It has to be.

- I'm going to say that's a four.

- Yep. Thank you, Abigail. - Well done.

- All right. Extremely disturbing.

- Who's next?

- Shadi. Wait a minute.

- I used to have a crush on Timon from The Lion King.

I mean he is a pretty sexy meerkat. Let's be honest.

- Right. Yeah. I would. Just saying. Wow.

The Lion King. I have always thought it was a gateway to the furry fandom.

I'm just putting that out there, seriously.

But hey guys, guys. This is a zero-meerkat-shaming zone.

You said you liked it. Come on. We can't procrastinate.

- All right. As we're not shaming someone for liking a cartoon meerkat,

I'm gonna give it a two. - Thank you.

- Well done.

- You have nothing to be ashamed of. We all relate. Next one.

It is Heather.

- I used to lick ants off trees.

- Heather? What is wrong with you? - That's horrible.

- I mean I guess they might be quite nutritious.

- Okay, Phil. Please explain this one to me.

- I mean you know some people are raised by wolves.

Maybe Heather was raised by anteaters.

- Oh, that is obviously the explanation, Phil.

- That's like a residual instinct thing.

- Well, if anybody is sat next to somebody chowing down on a bucket of ants

instead of popcorn, that's Heather, and it's completely normal.

- That's really weird. I'm going to give that a four.

- Yeah, thank you, Heather. All right. You do you, Heather. Okay.

- Yes. Who's next?

- And Thurlene...

- I used to melt the faces of my Barbies and stick them together.

- What?

- Okay, you have one-upped the other toy story, seriously.

I mean oh, my God.

- That's horrifying. I'm going to be dreaming of that for years.

- I'm just thinking of like a toy support group now. What are they thinking about?

- Maybe they're just trying to create like the ultimate superhero Barbie.

- The super Barbie. I'm in pain. Please kill me.

- Let's be honest. Judging from everyone's reactions...

- I'm incredibly disturbed. - That's a five.

- A five out of five. All right. Well done.

- Wow. I think that's an incredibly disturbing place to end our weird kids.

- [Together] Thank you, everyone.

You have so much to be proud of.

- I feel better about my weird kid stories as well. So thank you.

- Aw, well there we go.

Say, Phil, where did you get that weird magical button from, by the way?

-Oh, this? - Yeah.

- Definitely not from kicking the microwave and breaking it.

- Wait, what? What happened while I was gone guys? What did Phil do?

- I'm just going to go back here and fix...

- Fix? - Nothing at all. Bye, guys.

- Oh. Bye Phil.

Well, I guess it's just us then. Hey, everybody. Hi.

I guess if Phil did Weird Kid, I should do something from my YouTube channel.

Let's see, we got me here on this stage,

you guys out there in the audience,

oh, and a whole lot of emotional baggage.

Am I right? Am I right?

Okay. Okay. I think we're all on the same wavelength.

What should I do, guys?

- [Crowd] Internet Support Group!

- Internet support group. I was thinking the same thing. Oh yeah.

Just one small issue with that. Phil destroyed the Internet, didn't he?

So I'm wondering how that's gonna work.

[phone ringing]

Well, that's ominous.

[phone ringing]

Am I answering the mystery telephone?

Yeah. Sure. What could go wrong, right?

♪ [music] ♪

Really? Really?

Uncle Dan's Phone Support Hotline? That's what Internet... Okay.

Sure. Sure. This is happening. Isn't it? Hello? Oh, sorry. Sorry. Speak up.

Hello?

- Hi, Dan. My name is Paulina, and I'm from California.

- Oh. We have our first caller on the phone support hotline. Right.

Well hey there, Paulina. What do you want to ask your old Uncle Dan?

No. Okay. That's creepier than I thought it'd sound.

- My problem is that my God is Shrek, and my parents won't accept my religion.

[cheering]

- Really? That's how we're starting this? Okay.

Well, Paulina, as you know, Shrek is our one true green Lord and savior, it is true.

As they say, Shrek is love, Shrek is life.

Guys, we're on the same team here. You know what?

I think, Paulina, your parents just need to accept that since discovering him,

it is all ogre for you now. Okay.

There we go. Good start.

Hello, welcome to the phone support hotline.

- Hi, Dan. I'm Jay, and I'm from California.

- Jay from California. Hey. What would you like to ask?

- My problem is that I have the same type of shirt,

and it's all I ever wear. Please help.

- Okay. Wow. Like me and that thing I wore in 2015. Same outfit every day.

Well, Jay, fashion advice. When it comes to style, I say there is only one rule.

One color that solves every problem. What am I talking about?

[audience] Black!

Guys, I am so proud of you, yes!

Jay, it doesn't matter if it's the same shirt.

You just pile black on black on black

and if it ever gets too hot in the summer, just don't go outside.

It's simple. Thank you, Jay. All right.

1-800-CRISIS. You're on the line.

- Hi, Dan. My name is Alex, and I'm from California.

- Alex, what is your problem?

- My problem is I've been in the anime pit for four years. Will I ever escape?

- The anime pit. Well, I just heard like 50 people go, "Same."

Our generation, man. There is no hope.

Well, Alex, I think you just need to accept that you are a weeb trash can,

and you will never climb out of this pit like the rest of us.

Your life is over! Okay!

I'm just gonna put this out there.

This is usually the point in a regular Internet support group

where I'd have a little beverage to keep me going. You know what I'm saying?

[llama noise]

Oh, not that thing again. What do you want?

Does that have a name? I feel like the llama should have a name.

Any ideas, guys? What could we call it?

Susan. Very inventive. Okay.

Carl? Carl.

Phil. Really?

Larry. Larry the... Okay. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Okay.

Larry the llama.

Are you saying that because that's good alliteration?

Or because you're a One Direction fan?

[cheering]

Guys, we are not going there right now.

Hey there, Larry, my fluffy friend. What have you got back here for me?

Oh guys, I think this is the drink I was expecting. Okay.

This should make things easier. Here we go. All right.

Wait a minute.

Non-alcoholic grape juice? Really?

Sure. Fine. Right, whatever. Let's get this over with.

[ringing]

Hi.

- [Sari] Hi, Dan. My name is Sari, and I'm from Utah.

- Hey. What do you want?

- My question is, how do I avoid always saying the most awkward things

at the wrong time and coming off as an idiot?

- Okay. Spoken like somebody who really suffers.

Talking to people is hard, guys. How do you make friends?

What I always say is you should introduce yourself to people with a pun.

Seriously, it never goes wrong.

You go up to the cool kids, hand them an ice cube and say,

"Ice to meet you,"

and then you just drop whatever you're holding and walk away.

The thing is, at that moment, they'll either just go,

"Wow," and you'll know where you stand,

or you've found your new best friends. Seriously.

It works every time.

Thank you, Sari. Okay.

- Hi, Dan. I'm Samantha, and I'm from California.

- Samantha, hey. What would you like to ask?

- My question is, how do I ask a girl out that I really like? She's really pretty.

- Aww. Okay.

- Samantha, the answer is you don't try to get real people

because they can hurt your feelings.

Instead, you should just date fictional characters in your mind.

They will never betray you, seriously.

I have been dating all of Evan Peters' American Horror Story characters for months now.

It's going really great.

Thank you, Samantha. Good luck. Right.

Wow. This is my life.

Hi.

- Hi, Dan. My name is Sandy, and I'm a mommy from Victorville, California.

- Okay. We got a parent. Do we? Okay. I'm going to need this.

Are there any other parents here?

How many mums do we have in the audience tonight?

Oh Wow. Quite a few.

Hey, ladies. How you doing? You good?

Well, you know what? You do not need to worry about anything

because me and Phil, we are super educational, and we're a really great influence.

Right guys?

[cheering]

You do not need to worry about anything, Sandy.

You have yourself a lovely evening.

Don't tell them anything, okay?

Oh, got another one. Sure.

[loud music] John Cena!

Right. I guess it doesn't matter whether it's on a phone or back on the Internet,

you guys are just gonna troll me, huh?

Yeah, yeah, you little... uh, I mean...

I mean...

I love my audience.

Thank you for coming tonight.

[ding]

- Hey, Dan.

- Oh. Hi, Phil. Why are you in the microwave?

- Well, I was thinking about what we do on YouTube.

- Yeah.

- And about how creative all of these guys are

and how we should do something to celebrate it.

- Yeah. Well, that's a nice idea. What'd you have in mind?

- Well, I found...

- Found? Oh, no, Phil. What is it this time?

- This. - Um...

[cheering]

- Wow. Well, that is definitely the most fabulous trolley

I've ever seen in my entire life.

Wait, oh, sorry. Or should I say shopping cart?

Right, yep. Need to use the lingo.

- I think it really sums up my personality.

- Yeah. I think we'd all agree with that, Phil.

- Yeah, well guess what? There's one back there for you as well.

- Really? - Go get it.

- There's one for me? - Yeah.

- Okay. All right. I wonder what mine looks like. Let's see.

Dan's shopping cart looks like this.

Would you look at that?

It is literally just completely black. Wow, okay.

But it does have a huge D on the front. There we go. D.

[cheering]

I am not even going to acknowledge that. Okay, right.

So what do we have in these carts of joy, Phil?

- Well, they're filled with arts and crafts

and things that these guys have made.

- Oh, okay. So I guess you're saying in this weird no-Internet version of things,

this is kind of like the...

- The Tumblr tag in real life.

- Oh, no, Phil. What have you done? What have you done?

- Crafty Corner.

- Things better not get like Dan and Phil crafts,

or I'm gonna start crafting in a minute. Okay.

- Hey, Dan. Hey, Dan.

Pro tip.

- Phil. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- YouTube comments have not recovered from pro tip yet.

You cannot bring that up.

- Hey. Let's have a look at... - So what have you got?

- I have... Oh, Dan. We found mel-apples.

- Oh, my god. Oh, god. It's actually mel-apples.

- It's so good.

- Okay. Someone actually painted that.

- That is so well-painted. I mean look at that detail.

- I'm just gonna put this out there.

That is a lot better than the one that Dill painted. I'm just saying. Okay.

- I know.

- We could put that up in our house and live a bit of Dill.

- Definitely.

- Or maybe not, as then maybe aliens who come and abduct us, like Tabatha.

Seriously. What is going to happen?

- That would be bad.

But this is a beautiful object. - It is.

- So thank you very much to Catherine.

- Thank you, Catherine. All right. That is beautiful. Okay.

Let's see what I have first.

It's a trophy for being Phil trash number one.

[cheering]

Ha ha. Very appropriate. Wow. It's got the whiskers.

It says, "2009 to infinity." Okay.

Really? Wow.

Really? Wow. I guess it's official now, guys.

- Yeah. Do you feel like you need to do some kind...

- Thank you, Jazmine. - Thank you.

- Okay. Hey. Oh, great.

- All right. So what have we got next?

Dan, look at this!

- Wait a minute.

- This is Dan with Kanye and me with Buffy.

- Really? - That's so good.

- Those are so detailed. - I know.

- I love how longingly I'm looking at Kanye in this picture.

I'm just like, "Dad."

I mean... I don't know what to say.

- Meanwhile, me and Buffy are just eyeing up the camera like, "Oh, hey."

- Hey, how you doing?

Well, that is just another beautiful piece of art

that I am going to frame and keep in my bedroom.

- [Together] Thank you, Ray! - All right! Beautiful!

Okay. Looks like we've got some more art now guys.

Let's see what it is.

It's a beautiful canvas painting of Dan as Shrek.

- That is one of the best things I've ever seen with my eyes. That is incredible.

- This must have taken so long for somebody to actually make. Wow. Well, I

Well I mean, mean it's very accurate.

This painting has no soul. I have no soul.

Seriously. I would suit being an ogre

- You definitely do.

- Is this what I've inspired? Shrek fan art? Really?

- I know my place. This is just as great as the other art.

Thank you Isabella.

- Oh, wow. I see your Shrek art, and I raise you...

a baby Dil!

Look at this!

That's kind of disturbing and cute at the same time.

- I am equally terrified and happy.

- Wow. I mean, somebody gave us a Dil doll.

I don't really know what to say about that.

[laughter]

- Keep it going, Dan.

- I didn't mean to say that. Okay. Let's just move on.

It's like a beautiful family portrait, look at that.

[cheering]

Thank you for this. There we go.

It looks like there's just one thing left in mine.

- Okay.

- I will say, when you said Tumblr in real life, I thought,

"Oh, no. It's all gonna be creepy,"

but there have actually been some really beautiful pieces of art.

Haven't there? - Yeah, really great.

- So let's see what Dan has last. - What's this?

- It's a whisk covered in memes.

[cheering]

Really? You give this?

You have not seen what I have seen, okay?

You cannot just bring this back into my mind.

This...I appreciate your support.

I'm gonna go erase this from my memory.

Thank you, Sally. Okay.

I feel like that is a good time to end this segment. Okay.

- Wait. Dan, Dan, Dan. There's one more thing in there.

- Is there? What is it?

- Yeah. It's the pop-up book of fan art.

- Whoa. Phil. I don't think you should have picked this up.

- Should we open it?

- Don't ask them. - Okay.

- Okay, fine, whatever.

- Three, two, one.

Whoa!

- Whoa. What is that? Why is everybody naked?

- What is Benedict Cumberbatch doing?

- They're all on top of each other.

- Is this legal?

- Phil, there's flaps. There's pop-up flaps.

- I don't like flaps.

- Phil, we've come this far. We have to.

- Three, two, one.

Whoa! Stop. Stop. Stop all of this.

You know what, guys? I take it all back.

Here I was earlier saying,

"Hey. We're stuck in this weird no-Internet universe.

I think we should just stick to what we do on YouTube in real life.

After all, what can go wrong?"

Well, it turns out the answer is literally everything.

- Well, I hate to say I told you so, Dan,

but I said we should try something new.

You know? Something like...

- No, Phil, Phil. Don't do this.

[cheering]

♪ [music] ♪

♪ Whenever I'm alone... ♪

- Okay, stop! Stop. Stop the music. Hey, hey. Okay.

I've got an idea.

If microwaving your laptop got us into this mess,

then maybe the microwave can get us out of it.

- What? Dan, no!

Dan, what are you doing? That could be dangerous. Dan.

- Bye, Phil.

- Come back. Dan. Where are you going? Dan!

- Well, this is weird. - Oh. Hey, Dan.

- Phil?

- What are you doing over there?

- I don't know. What are you doing over there?

- Oh. Uh-oh. - I'm spinning.

- This feels weird.

♪ [music] ♪

- Phil. Phil, give me a hand. [grunting]

Oh, Phil. Look at all these people that are here to see us.

- Hello. Why are they wearing such old-fashioned clothes?

- Who understands kids these days? Right? Are you ready?

- Yes. [grunting]

- Now for the hard part. Oh. Oh.

- Hello. - Hello, everyone.

- Hello. - Hello there.

- Hey. All right. Here we are.

Let's plug our brains into the hyper-web

and get some questions from our audience on Pewdie-tube.

Ask me the question, old friend. - The question?

- Oh, yes. The question.

Can you do the whiskering on me, Phil?

[cheering]

Yes! Here we go.

- There's your nose. - Thank you very much.

- Whisker. - One.

- Whisker. - Two.

- Whisker. - Three.

- Whisker. - Four.

- Whisker. - Five and six.

- Thank you very much. Right. Let me do you.

Okay. There's your nozzle.

One, two, three. - Oh, that feels nice.

- Other side. Four, five, and six. There we go.

[cheering]

Why Phil, how many years have we been doing this together?

- Oh, I think this is the 75th.

- Oh, 75 years. Wow.

It's hard to remember after all those Sharpie fumes we inhaled, hey?

- Yes. I had a little sniff before we came through the door.

- Not in front of people. That's our secret.

- Sorry. Let's begin.

- Time for the first question.

Phil, what is your favorite song that is stored on your brain's hard drive?

- I think that must be the collaboration between the reunited One Direction...

- Yes. Yes. That's a thing that happened.

- And the robot My Chemical Romance.

- Oh, yes.

Zane and Metal Gerard sing such beautiful harmonies together.

- What a tune.

- It's a shame though that Nile Horan can't play his guitar anymore,

ever since he transplanted his consciousness into that potato.

- At least he's proud of where he comes from.

- Indeed.

- Let's see what's next.

iPhone 68 or Samsung Galaxy 17,546?

- Oh, Phil. You know I have to say Apple

or they'll shut down my iCloud brain storage.

- All my memories are backed up there.

- What is your favorite memory?

- From my whole life? - Yes.

- I know. Probably when our book, "The Amazing Book is Not on Fire..." Oh. Yes.

Yes. - Hashtag spon.

- Can't forget that. Very important.

It went on to become the bestselling book in the entire universe.

- Yes. - Yes. Yes, it did.

Why, even President Beyonce had a copy in her toilet.

- Oh, yes. What a wonderful leader she was.

- Indeed.

- What is your worst memory?

- Probably when those alien invaders banned all memes from the Internet.

Oh yes, young Dan was very sad that day.

- Oh, what a terrible time. Poor Pepe.

- Let's move onto something more fun, shall we?

- Yes.

- This one brings me back. Phil, do an impression of your favorite animal.

- Oh, okay. [noise] Wa-ka-ka-kow!

[laughter]

- What was that, Phil?

- It was the squirrel shark.

- Oh, yes. The squark. - Yes.

- King of the seas and the trees, one may say.

- Ever since they started splicing animals together, I just had to catch them all.

- You're a weird guy, Phil. I think we have time for one more.

- Oh, yes. Let's see.

Oh, you'll like this one buddy.

- Really?

- Set your hip settings to twerk for four seconds.

- Oh, I don't know. It sounds like they'd like us to.

- Shall we do it? - Okay.

- All right. - Give us a moment.

- Okay. Oh. Okay.

- Right. Three, two, one.

Here they go.

I remember this sensation from back in the day.

It's like being young again.

What? Stop, stop, stop. Phil!

Phil, what happened?

- I think that was one twerk too many, old chap.

- I don't understand, Phil. What are you saying?

- I think I'm dying.

[screaming]

- No. No. Phil, you can't be serious.

- At least I died doing something I loved.

- Phil? Phil?

- Nooooo!

Wait a minute. A microwave?

No, no, this isn't supposed to happen.

Don't worry, Phil. I am going to save you.

Here we go. And [grunting].

Bloody hell.

Don't worry. I got this. Okay.

Let's try again. Oh.

You can steal a lot of cereal in one lifetime, huh?

[grunting]

Right. Into the microwave you go, Phil.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Can't forget these, can I? They were bloody expensive.

And... [beep].

Bye.

[rewind noise]

[beep]

- Ah. Oh my god.

That was absolutely terrifying.

- Yeah, twerking to death? Miley would be proud.

- Phil, you don't seem very concerned by what just happened to you there.

- Yeah I know, but if that's fashion in the future, I don't want any part of it.

- Well, Phil, don't you see? That was it.

- What? - That was our future.

- What's wrong with it?

- Nothing really, just to think that we'll be doing exactly the same thing

for another 68 years?

I mean okay, I guess that isn't a bad thing.

But does that mean that nothing else happens?

We're just stuck repeating the same old things?

What if we never break the mold, Phil?

What if we never find the courage to attempt something new and exciting

we've never tried before?

Are we all just slaves to this predetermined destiny

on a linear path through time and space?

Oh, what's the point?

- Dan, no, you're gonna have a...

[alarm]

Oh no.

Dan?

Dan?

Dan?

Dan?

- Why do we exist? - Oh, here we go.

- What is existence?

- Sorry guys. He does this sometimes.

I think we should listen to what Dan has to say, and I might as well sit here.

- If there's no higher purpose to life, then what's the point in doing anything?

How am I supposed to care about what I do or what happens

if at the end of the day we're all just inevitably going to die?

We are all completely meaningless in the grander scheme of the universe.

At the end of the day, it makes no difference whether we take action

or just surrender to oblivion.

- Right, that's enough.

We've been through a lot and we all want to get out of this strange situation,

but we can't lose you now, Dan.

We can't fix anything if you're just lying face-down on the floor.

So come on. Explain what's wrong.

Let's talk it out.

- [sighs]

[cheering]

- Why are we here, Phil?

Because I microwaved my laptop.

- What are we doing?

- Trying to entertain these guys, hopefully.

[cheering]

- But what's the point?

- Because entertainment is distraction from all the problems in real life, Dan.

We can make people laugh. We can make people think.

Drawing whiskers on our noses and answering questions

might not seem that important to us,

but to some of these guys, it is.

[cheering]

- Okay, okay, I suppose.

I guess I just feel like my whole life is laid out ahead of me.

I'll never try new things.

I'll spend the rest of my life stuck behind a screen, making YouTube videos.

I guess I just don't really feel in control of what's been happening here, you know?

[evil laughter]

Phil? What was that noise? Did a weird thing happen again?

[engine revving up]

What's that? Guys?

What the... What was that?

[laughing]

- It's a car.

- Sherlock, everybody.

Yes Phil, I think we can all see that it's a car.

But why is it here?

- Hey look, it's got that weird question mark on it

that keeps appearing on all the screens.

- Wait a minute. This was on the back of that bloody mysterious card earlier, wasn't it?

Okay, I see what's going on here. Well there is no way I'm going near that.

- Dan, this could be a clue. I think we need to inspect what was in the monster truck.

- Okay. Fine.

- What is it? - They're scripts.

- What do they say?

- Oh Phil, I don't think we should have picked these up.

♪ [music] ♪

[cheering]

- Oh no.

- Guys? Guys? Do you know what?

I have actually just decided that I'm fine living in this no-Internet universe.

I'm just gonna go over here.

- Dan, Dan! These were sent here for a reason.

I think we need to read the scripts.

[cheering]

- Okay, fine, whatever. Right. Take this.

This is a terrible idea.

- [Female voice] In the beginning...

- What?

- In the beginning? I thought this was fan fiction, not the Bible.

- Okay Phil, are you really gonna question this? Or just let it happen?

- Right, let's let it happen.

- In the beginning, there were two boys named Dan and Phil.

Phil had jet-black hair, darker than the night's sky,

and pale skin, whiter than the purest snow.

- Hey!

- Hey what? I didn't write this. It's true.

- And then there was Dan, as obnoxiously tall as his sense of humor.

- What? That was totally uncalled for.

- Now, are Dan and Phil pirates or cowboys?

You decide.

- Wait, what?

- You decide? Does she mean us?

Or does she mean these guys?

- Oh no. Okay, I see what's happening here.

- Who wants us to be pirates?

[cheering]

And who wants us to be cowboys?

[louder cheering]

- Okay. I guess we're cowboys apparently, Phil.

- Dan and Phil are cowboys.

- Nice. I might finally get a tan. - Really? Okay.

- Open. - You open it.

What is it?

- It's cowboy outfits!

- Really? Okay, sure, right. What do we have?

Oh, tasseled vests. Wow.

It's like being in the YMCA music video.

- Hey, with this scarf, I could look like a fashionable dog on Tumblr.

- That's all I've ever aspired to. Right, what else is there?

- Hats.

- Yeah. Thank you, Phil.

Right, so are you ready to get into character or whatever?

- Yes. Let's read the script.

[cheering]

Howdy there, partner. Sheriff Lester is my name.

You're looking a little lost.

Is there something I can do you for?

- [narrator] Phil said.

- You don't need to say, "Phil said."

- You are not the narrator, Phil.

- Whoa. Okay. Smack down.

- Sorry, scary woman in the sky.

- Phil said, as he put a hand tentatively on the revolver by his waist.

- Whoa. Ain't no need for that kind of action, sir.

- We've had some strange people around these parts, recently.

How can I know you're not a troublemaker?

- I'm just a good, southern, Christian boy, sir.

You ain't gonna get no trouble from me. I'm just looking for directions.

- Where to?

- Where did Dan and Phil go next? - Uh-oh.

- Did they go into space? Or did they go camping? You decide.

- Okay. Here we go again. Who wants us to go to space?

[cheering]

And who wants us to go camping together?

[louder cheering]

Well Phil, they chose camping. I wonder why.

- Dan and Phil decided to go camping.

- Oh. Toasty. Look out for moths, everyone.

- Phil, please. That is the only thing that could make this worse.

Right, I'm opening this one.

- Okay. - Okay. What do we have?

Hey, wait a minute, does this work?

Alright, nowI can finally see you guys. Hey. Hey. How you doing?

In the middle, up at the top, how you doing? All right?

Okay, wow. That is bright. I'm sorry.

- Hey Dan. Look at this.

- Whoopah!

- Okay. There is no way I'm getting in that.

- Just go with the script.

- Okay, fine, whatever.

- As the glistening moon shone down on the emerald glade,

Dan could only hear the whispering of the wind

blowing through the other boy's hair.

[cheering]

- Alright, who wrote this script, Stephanie Myer?

This seems like a nice place to stay the night.

You don't mind sharing the tent, do ya?

[cheering]

- Why, not at all.

Don't you think it's special,

being with another person, just gazing up at the night sky?

[cheering]

- Dan saw the warm breath evaporate out of Phil's mouth

and swirl gracefully towards the darkness above.

- Oo-aaaah.

- Gracefully, Phil. - Sorry. Haaah.

- Well, there's lots of things you could do when no one else is around,

if you catch my drift.

[cheering]

- Why, what'd you have in mind?

- What did Dan and Phil do next?

- Oh, no.

- Did they have a delicious cake?

Or did Phil draw Dan like a French girl?

- What? - You decide.

- Well Phil, I don't feel like we're about to get a cake.

- Okay. It's up to you guys.

- Who wants us to have a delicious cake?

[mild cheering]

- Wow. Really? That's how it is, huh? Okay.

Who wants me to draw Dan like a French girl?

[loud cheering]

- Oh, okay.

- Phil decided to draw Dan like a French girl.

♪ [Titanic-esque music] ♪

- Oh, I can't believe this. Okay. Let's just get this over with.

- Okay.

This must be my sketch book.

- Great. If it's okay with you Phil,

don't drop a bowling ball out of this one.

- I'll try my best.

- Phil prepared his sketch book, and Dan got into a comfortable position.

- Okay. Okay. Sorry, sorry.

What exactly is supposed to be a comfortable position for me here?

- You know, like Kate Winslet.

- Kate Winslet had a chaise lounge, Phil.

Okay, fine, whatever. Okay.

[cheering]

- Phil gazed up at Dan, in awe of the bounteous figure before him.

- Okay. Thank you.

- Dan, I've never felt this connected to another person's spirit before.

[cheering]

- I want you to capture me, Phil.

Create a memento of this moment we shared together,

with a tribute to my body.

[cheering]

- Their eyes met, as Dan began to slowly unbutton his shirt.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, okay, okay.

Can we just pause that right there for a second?

- Oh, but I was enjoying my drawing.

[cheering]

- Okay, guys. You know what? You know what? I'm sorry.

I don't want to solve the mystery. I don't care who's behind all of this.

I just don't want to do this anymore.

[evil laughter]

Is the person behind this actually gonna show their face now?

[fog horn noise]

- Dan, something's happening.

- Phil, now is not the time to do the robot.

- It's not me.

- What do you mean it's not you?

- I'm not in control of my body.

- This guy, what a joker.

[fog horn]

Oh God, Phil, Phil. It's happening to me too.

I think I'm possessed.

- I've got a prop.

- What? Another prop? What is it?

- It's a bunch of plates.

- A bunch of plates? But why?

- I don't know.

- Should Dan and Phil do the dishes? Or do the dishes?

- Do the dishes? What does that mean?

Phil?

[plate smashing]

Well, that was dramatic. Why'd you do that?

- It wasn't me.

- Do the dishes.

- Oh, no.

Oh, sorry. Okay.

I hit a bunch of you in the face there. Didn't I?

I'm sorry about that. Oh, no.

Oh god. - Sorry!

- Oh god. I'm sorry. - Guys, I'm sorry! This isn't me.

- Do the dishes. Do the dishes. D-d-do the dishes. Do the dishes.

- Do the dishes.

- It's saying, "Do the dishes," but we're just smashing plates.

Who does that?

- Wait, Phil. I think I know who's behind all of this.

- [Together] It's Dil!

♪ [music] ♪

[cheering]

- Dil, is it really you?

- [Simlish]

- Sorry. Excuse me?

- Yes, it's me, your Sim, Dil Howlter.

- Right. Okay.

- But I don't understand. How is he real?

- Well, I guess if everything else exploded out of YouTube into reality,

then so did he.

Except now Dil has had the power to control us like Sims this whole time.

♪ [music] ♪

- Dil, is that true?

- Dil?

- Yes.

- But I don't understand. Why would you do all of this to us?

- Because I've had enough of being controlled.

For over a year, I've had to do whatever you said.

- Yeah.

- You made me clumsy. You forced me to go on unsuccessful dates.

You made me sleep in a clown suit.

- All of that is technically true, Phil.

- Yeah.

- I thought it was time for some revenge.

- Dil, we didn't mean any of those things,

and we tried really hard to fix everything.

- Yeah.

- I think we're just as clumsy and awkward as you are.

- After all, Dil, you are just supposed to be the combination of both of us.

- I guess you're right, but it's more than that.

I wanted to teach you both an important lesson.

- A lesson? What lesson?

- Dan, you're worried about your future

and if what you're doing now has any importance.

Well it's important to me,

and I'm sure to these guys here.

[cheering]

Never doubt yourself. Follow your dreams.

- Wow. Dil, what a nice thing to say

Thanks for helping with my crisis.

- And Phil, you're scared that who you are isn't good enough.

You think you have to change who you are to impress people

but look around.

[cheering]

Thousands of people just like you have come here tonight

to see two nerds from YouTube.

- It's true. It's true.

- That's why they love you.

- [Together] Aww!

- Dil, that's so profound.

I don't need to be a magician to feel accepted.

How can we thank you?

- You don't need to thank me. Just don't mess up my relationship.

- [laughing] Don't worry Dil.

You and Teabag are together forever. Oh, yeah.

[cheering]

- Dan, I thought you were going to stop calling her Teabag.

- Right, yeah, sorry. Sorry Dil.

- And Phil. - Yeah?

- Stop microwaving things.

- Yeah, good point.

- Yes. I mean we'll try harder Dil, I promise.

- But what now?

- I will return the world back to how it was.

Just step into the microwave when you're ready,

and you'll go back to normal life with the Internet.

- Wow. Really? Well thanks, I guess.

- Where's he going?

- Huh?

- I have no idea. Let's just let him do his thing.

- Oh. - Bye, Dil.

- Bye Dil.

Okay.

- Well that was a thing.

- Wait. You know, I think what Dil said is right.

Making these YouTube videos might not seem that important to me sometimes,

but I guess to all the people out there that find happiness or even friendship

just through watching what we make...

[cheering]

Well, that is pretty important.

- Yeah. You don't need to change who you are to fit in.

We're just two losers that spend all our time watching YouTube videos.

We could all be losers together!

- Yeah! [cheering]

You know what, Phil? I guess that is the point of all this.

- Yeah.

- Well, there we go then. End of the road.

Just head through there and have the Internet again. See ya.

- Well actually...

there is one thing I've been wanting to do this whole time.

[cheering]

- I really hope you're not referring to...

[cheering]

♪ [music] ♪

♪ Whenever I'm alone, or if I'm feeling gray ♪

♪ there's one place I can go to brighten up my day. ♪

♪ It makes me want to sing. That's how this show should end. ♪

♪ But wouldn't it be good if I could sing it with a friend? ♪

- Phil, I think you should have asked before putting me on the spot like this.

[cheering]

♪ Okay. Fine. Whatever. I'll join in too. ♪

♪ [music] ♪

♪ I might go outside and feel more alive. Without Twitter, where would I be? ♪

♪ I guess I'd be fit. ♪

♪ I'd stop posting shi.... ♪ - Rubbish!

♪ But Tumblr's a part of me. ♪

♪ So many websites and so little time. There's one or two you should avoid. ♪

♪ Just don't stop watching YouTube, or we'll be unemployed. ♪

♪ [music] ♪

♪ The Internet is here. The Internet is great. ♪

♪ When you've got lots of followers, who needs a real mate? ♪

♪ We might be antisocial, but these days, that is fine. ♪

♪ Because life is so much better when you spend it all online. ♪

♪ A place where you can be yourself, no matter if you're geeky. ♪

♪ Find friends that share your hobbies, even if they're creepy. ♪

♪ Where any question in your head is answered in an instant.♪

♪ Who cares if you procrastinate your one shot at existence? ♪

♪ [music] ♪

♪ The Internet is here. The Internet is great. ♪

♪ When you've got lots of followers, who needs a real mate? ♪

♪ Without the Internet, we never would have met. ♪

♪ We'd never be here on a stage, doing things we might regret. ♪

- Dance break.

♪ [music] ♪

♪ Who cares if you're a loser, and everybody knows it? ♪

♪ Or if you spend your life drawing whiskers on your noses?♪

♪ Even if your chances of getting tan are slim. ♪

♪ Or if you live vicariously through life of a Sim. ♪

- [Simlish] Chiltay Zombo!

♪ [music] ♪

♪ The Internet is here. The Internet is great. ♪

♪ When you've got lots of followers, who needs a real mate? ♪

♪ We might be antisocial, but these days that is fine ♪

♪ Because life is so much better, life is so much better,♪

♪ life is so much better ♪

♪ when you spend it all online. ♪

♪ [music] ♪

[cheering]

♪ [music] ♪

- Come on, Phil. Let's do it.

[cheering] ♪ [music] ♪

- Thank you, Hollywood!

- Thank you!

- You guys were awesome.

- Hope you enjoyed the show.

- We will see you guys back on the Internet.

[cheering] ♪ [music] ♪

♪ [music] ♪