All language subtitles for The Magic.Christian.1969.720p.BluRay.x264.AC3.KESH.eng

¶

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what
is commonly known as "money."

It comes in all sizes, colors
and denominations, like people.

We'll be using quite a bit of it
in the next two hours.

Luckily, i have enough
for all of us.

¶

- ¶

Here, here. Here, here.
No sleepin' on the grass.

No sleepin' on the grass is
allowed in the park. All right.

Get out of here. Get out of here.
Get off!

¶ in younger days
i told myself ¶

¶ my life would be my own

¶ and i'd leave the place

¶ where sunshine never shone

¶ for my life's too short
for waiting ¶

¶ when i see the rising sun

¶ Then i know again

¶ that i must carry on

¶ carry on till tomorrow

what you wearin' them
glasses for?

Oh, the light.
It hurts my eyes.

You a bloody celebrity?

¶ Carry on

¶ carry on

¶ Beyond the shadows
of the clouds ¶

¶ and onward to the sky

¶ carry on

¶ till i find

¶ the rainbow's end

¶ for my life's
too short for waiting ¶

¶ when i see the rising sun

¶ then i know again

¶ that i must carry on

¶ carry on

¶ till tomorrow

¶ there's no reason
to look back ¶

¶ carry on
¶ carry on

¶ carry on

¶ drifting on the wings
of freedom ¶

¶ leave this stormy day

¶ and we'll ride
to tomorrow's ¶

¶ golden fields

¶ for my life's
too short for waiting ¶

¶ when i see the rising sun

¶ then i know again

¶ that i must carry on

¶ carry on
¶ carry on

¶ carry on

good morning.

You feeding the ducks? Yes,
i feed them every morning.

You mind if i join you?
No, no.

I come here every morning.

¶ And when the heavy
journey's done ¶

¶ i'll rest my weary head

¶ for the world
and its colors ¶

¶ will be mine

¶ for my life's too short
for waiting ¶

¶ when i see the setting sun

¶ then i know again

¶ that i must carry on

¶ carry on till tomorrow

¶ there's no reason
to look back ¶

¶ carry on
¶ carry on

¶ carry on

look, please.
Don't go.

Listen, please.
I say, don't go.

¶ Carry on

¶ carry on

¶ carry on

¶ carry on

¶ carry on

well, then, youngman grand.

Father.

Good-bye.
Thank you, pontius.

Thanks for the new suit.
It's very nice.

My pleasure, youngman.
My pleasure.

One has to be smart when observing
the effects of money on the arts...

And mr. And mrs. First-nighter.

Good gentlemen, give him
a further edge.

And drive his purpose
on to these delights.

We shall, my lord.

Sweet gertrude,
leave us too.

For we have closely sent
for hamlet hither,

that he, as t'were
by accident,

may here affront ophelia.

Her father and myself,
lawful espials,

will so bestow ourselves,
that, seeing, unseen--

Hello.
Hello, sir.

The third act's
just started.

Rosencrantz and guildenstern
just went off somewhere.

Hello. Guy, you are rather late.

The third act's begun. You barely
nearly missed the nicest part.

The chopper was delayed. Anyway,
this is the bit i'm really keen on.

And as you say,
it is the nicest part.

¶

¶
To be...

I've seen it.

Or not to be?

Shakespeare, right?
Right and double right.

Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind...

To suffer the slings
and arrows of...

Outrageous fortune,

or to take arms...

Against a sea of troubles,

and by opposing...

¶

End them?

- ¶
- To die,

to sleep.

-No more. -Agnes, esther, i would like
you to meet my newly-adopted son,

youngman.

Youngman, these are my old dear
sisters, agnes and esther-- your aunts.

How do you do?
Hello, auntie. Hello.

¶
To die,

to sleep.

To sleep.
Perchance to dream.

Ay, there's the rub.

For in that sleep of death...

What dreams may come.

When we have shuffled off...

This mortal coil--

must give us pause--

i'm making too much noise.
On with the show.

For who could bear
the whips...

Tsk, tsk.

And scorns of time?

The oppressor's wrong,

the proud man's contumely--

that fellow is taking license
in my view.

...of the unworthy takes...

When he himself
might his quietus make...

With his fair,

bare...

Bodkin?

- ¶

¶

You've gotta hand it to that laurence harvey.
He really knows his job.

The most essential and fundamental
principle of our work...

Is the absolute
authenticity...

Of any of its employees'
qualifications and credentials.

Each must be tops
in his field. Otherwise--

- well, otherwise it's mere quackery.
- Just what is our work, dad?

It's not so easy to define
as one might think, lad.

Not so easy.

Regard the city.

It's just like where
i was born.

Exactly and 9/10ths of the
people on this planet.

And you know, youngman, some of
those people will tell you...

That in these cities
are shops--

curious sort of food shops that
spring up from time to time...

With signs reading,
"new owner, new policy,

big get acquainted sale."

And offering goods at
ridiculously low giveaway prices.

- What about ciggies?
- Cigarettes were not sold,

as they've been linked rather
closely with cancer of the lung.

The word quickly
gets around...

And the lucky few manage to load up and take
away as much as they can humanly carry.

Usually much more than they can
ever use or keep, you understand.

The shop is quickly gutted--

clean as your proverbial bone.

And latecomers are met by closed
doors, shuttered windows...

And a different sign,
"moved to new location."

But no clue as to where
that new location is.

¶ If you want it
anytime i can give it ¶

¶ but you better hurry
'cause it's going ¶

¶ fast

well then, pontius,
if that really is your name,

take us to your leader.

We've just taken over
some new companies, son,

and the boardroom tycoons are waiting
for us to get to work... on them.

Winthrop.
Sir guy?

When i bought this paper,

it had one of the highest circulations
of any sunday newspaper in this country.

It was a paper...

With a heart, winthrop,

Hear! Hear!
And a circulation.

Now just look at this.
Read it out, winthrop.

But, sir guy, you said, uh--

yes, i know what i said,
but read it.

"Detectives made inquiries from holiday
makers of brighton aujourd'hui."

What is aujourd'hui,
winthrop?

It's french for "today,"
sir guy.

We are running
an english newspaper, winthrop.

"In connection with the murder
last mercredi...

"Of the--

"Twenty-nine-year-old girl,
lynn mcnab,

"whose mutilated body was found
washed up on the beach.

"Open brackets.
Tee-hee-hee.

Close brackets."
Read on, winthrop.

We printed an apology,
sir guy.

And in what language
was the apology written?

Polish.

Polish?
It's gotta stop, winthrop.

It will, sir guy.
It will.

It will, it will, it will.
Immediatement.

Gentlemen,

we are a nation
on the move.

Any man jack who fails
to realize that...

Had better don his think cap.

Common zen savvy tells us...

That the prestige
of the british automobile...

Is being
severely threatened...

By the encroachment
of the small...

Or mini-car image.

We are rapidly becoming
a tiny-car nation.

So does it not follow then...

That a nation of tiny cars...

Could very soon become
a nation of tiny persons?

So, patently then,

it is in the highest
national interest...

That we... counter...

This tiny car image...

By introducing an automobile...

That will hold its own
size-wise...

Against the american
big boys,

brilliant. Brilliant. Yet
with no sacrifice...

To traditional standards
of taste and function.

And so, gentlemen,
may i submit to you...

With much pleasure
and pride...

The new great british zeus.

¶

It's still pretty much on the drawing
board, as we say, gentlemen.

But let's run it up the flagpole
and see who salutes it.

The british zeus!

Designed for the man in the
know, the man on the go.

And wherever he goes,

he can accommodate a bevy of
personal friends and acquaintances.

Let's think salesmanship
and slogan.

Winthrop? Yes. Um, what about,
"there's power to spare...

Under this big baby's
40-foot hood"?

What about it?

Performance.

Me, sir.
Hampton.

Um, "you're sure
to enjoy the big...

Gang's-all-here backseat."

Hampton, try that again
with an american accent.

That was
an american accent, sir.

Good lord.

What's going on over there?

Maltravers.

Uh, getting the feel
of this big baby,

- mm.
- Has been one...

Grand thrill,
believe you me.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Best sleep on it, eh?

Never one to overextend.

Gentlemen, as you know,

The family tree
over a certain...

Grand guy--
guy grand--

has borne no fruit.

The stoutiest efforts
by my sisters and i,

quite independently,
of course,

has not yielded grand progeny.

By good luck however,

one, perhaps two soiree ago,

i chanced upon
a likely lad.

And, gentlemen,

may i tell you it was your
proverbial love at first sight.

Paternal, of course.

So, gentlemen,

it is with great pride
and pleasure...

That i introduce you now...

To my only son and "proge,"

master youngman grand, esq.

Hello.

¶ For he's a jolly
grand fellow ¶

¶ for he's a jolly
grand fellow ¶

¶ for he's a jolly
grand fellow ¶

¶ and so say all of us

thank you, thank you, thank you. You're
damned good lads, the lot of you.

- You too, guy.
- Yes, thank you.

And you're thinking men
as well,

if memory serves.

Unfortunately, that fact
is not always reflected...

In our, uh,
quarterly reports.

Anyway, gentlemen,
may i take a page...

From our own late, great
rudy the kip kipling?

Let our kipling speak.

"There was a young lady
from exeter...

"And all the young men...

"Threw their sex at her.

"Just to be rude,
she lay in the nude...

"While her parrot,
the pervert,

took pecks at her."

Gentlemen, my man jeff
has your envelopes.

Please do not open them
until you are outside.

Inside you will find
a month's generous remuneration,

a map containing a clue
as to your present whereabouts,

and a set
of day-glo references...

To present to your
next lucky employer.

Leave your flowers and your pencils
on the table as you go, would you?

Lord hampton?
Lord hampton?

Lord hampton?

Milk or lemon, esther?
Both, please.

Hello, dears.
Ah, there you are, guy.

Oh, angel's passing.
Guy, guy, always on the go.

We're just having tea, darling.
You will join us?

Now you will take tea,
youngman?

This is bloody north america.
What's yours? I don't know.

I've been fired before,
but never in afghanistan.

Scone, guy? I-i-i
think not, darling.

Hello, family grand!

Just in time for tea.
I say, my good man.

All right, mate. One at a time.
One at a time.

Ginger, how are you?

I think i rather fancy
a hot dog.

Bitsy, say hello to guy.
Say hello to everyone.

Hello, agnes. Hello, esther.
Say hello.

Ginger, this is guy's new
son, youngman grand. Oh.

- Pleased to meet you.
- This is my little bitsy.

- Hello, bitsy.
- What do you want, guy?

Hot frankfurter, dear.
Guy, we don't have any.

There is in fact a friendly
hot dog vendor...

Who solicits from
this very platform.

Look, lass, do you want it
or don't you?

I don't know.
Go ask the station master.

What can this be?
"Silky.

Through the use of infant head oils--"
that's one of our new acquisitions.

Silky. As it says here, it is unconditionally
guaranteed to make your hair...

Softer than that
of your own darling child.

It's remarkable stuff. Why don't
you try some? Yes, i will.

Try it, ginger. Try it.
Thank you.

Righto, mate.
Now what do you want?

I'd like a hot doggy,
please, my good man.

Oh, you'd like
hot doggy, would you?

Yeah. Right. One hot
doggy you shall "havey."

- Ah, my second world war nazi atrocity book came at last.
- - good heavens.

Do you know
what bitsy and i do?

We sit down and imagine all those
atrocities being done to the sex criminals.

Yes, sex criminals
and the like.

And that dr. Thorndike.

What's that, ginge? Bill
thorndike, a sexy criminal?

The man you sent me to,
he behaved very strangely.

I say, hot doggy.
Do you want some onions?

Are you calling me?
Do you want some onions?

Oh, i love onions.
Absolutely love them.

- Do you want some h.P. Or mustard?
- Uh, neither. Thank you.

That'll be nine pence.
Nine pence?

Nine pence.
Ah.

Now don't you go away,
vendor.

I shall be back with nine english pence.
Hey! Hey!

Before he said another word and while
my head was still leaning back,

he dropped a raw egg
into my mouth.

Come on. Get a move on.
There we are, lad.

What's this, a fiver? I can't
change a bleedin' fiver!

Are you quite sure
this was an egg?

Come on then. The train's on the move.
I can't change this fiver.

- Come on. I ain't got all day.
- I say, no tricks now.

This train's on the move. I want my change.
I can't change a fiver.

And then do you know what he did?
No. What?

He got a huge slab
of wet, greasy bacon...

And wrapped it
'round my head.

- Here, you better have this.
- What's this? A bloody tenner!

I can't change a bloody tenner! Well,
you better have this doggy back.

I'm not having that back.
You've been noshing it.

- Hold on. Son. Case.
- Dad? Case.

Quickly.

- I think we're onto
something here.

You're certainly putting
everybody on today, dad.

Well, you know, youngman, sometimes
it's not enough merely to teach.

One has to punish as well.

A little bit of the old pause.
Cause for pause.

Yes. I say,

mark that person
of irritable mien.

He's made a million
out of man's inhumanity to man.

Salt of the earth.
Yes, salt of the earth.

Perhaps together we can restore
his faith in the mystery of life.

For god's sake, close the door.
There's a bloody draft.

A big hand
for our special guest!

¶

¶

Guard! Guard.

Yes, sir? There's something
bloody weird going on in here.

I've been driving
on this line for 40 years--

very interesting.
Your papers, please!

A few questions, please!

Please! Please!

Auchengillan. Auchengillan.

Auchengillan. Auchengillan.

This is auchengillan.

Come on.

Out you come.

Is that ginger?
What happened to her hair?

She's tried the silky.
It's the price of vanity.

These are strange times
we live in, son. Yes.

Each of us does our best.
Who can say more?

But, guy.
Yes, dear.

Youngman might
want to get married.

I was wondering if we could help. Surely
there must be something we could do.

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't.
Henry! Grand to see you, guy.

Agnes. Esther.
Henry.

This the boy?
This is the boy.

Youngman,
prince renskeer.

Hello, prince. Hello, youngman.
Come for the shoot?

Yes. Well, come on. Let's
tend to the baggage.

Right, right, right. Careful. These
country roads can be dangerous.

Oh, here come the fuzz.

What on earth do they want?
Could be routine or...

Mere damnable harassment.

Sir guy.

Hello, corporal.

I'm sorry to detain you, sir guy, but h.Q.
Said it might be important.

Oh, well.
Let's see, shall we?

Yeah, i say. Thank you very much, corporal.
Thank you very much.

Yes, corporal?
Any answer, sir guy?

Uh, there we are, corporal.

And good night.
Good night, sir guy.

Fine clean kill. Damn fine
morning for a shooting.

- Bloody fine.
- It's a good clean kill, eh, dad?

Damned keen, guy,
isn't he?

Bloody keen. Damn fine chap too.
He's bloody keen too.

Not like that palfrey.

I invite him to one of my shoots
and he shot a runner.

- No!
- Yes. Saw it with me own eyes.

Poor little thing
was trying to escape.

Chaps these days have no sense
of bloody sportsmanship.

- Damn them fellas!
- The old values are crumblin'.

Old value? What on earth is
that gun you've got there?

This is a 24 over and under.

It's a sporty little item, but, uh,
personally i prefer a 12-bore.

I don't mind missing
one or two pheasants,

provided i can occasionally
get a quick kill.

Aye, quick kill,
that's the name of the game.

Dispatch the little
buggers quickly, eh? Yes.

Look! The dogs
are on point, guy.

Yes, so they are, lionel.
So they are.

Still in all, i don't fancy
relying entirely on dogs, do you?

Hey, what--

hit the deck!

Now for a good clean kill.

Blast! Missed.

Over to you,
red leader one.

For god sakes, guy,
what's going on?

In god's name,
stop it!

Yes. Good shooting,
red leader one.

A direct hit.

Good god!

Nothing like a good,
clean kill, eh, henry?

Your bird, sir guy.

It is the bestest shooting i've
seen in 30 years of service.

Oh, bloody hell!

Well, this is your
new home, youngman.

Isn't it marvelous?

It's perfectly lovely.
Good morning.

Good morning.
It's really fantastic.

I can't believe it. That big
clock, is that yours as well?

Oh, i'm gonna have
a good time here.

I can kind of feel it
in me bones.

The staff are assembled.
Are these all ours?

¶ Welcome, welcome
youngman grand ¶

¶ to the finest family
in the land ¶

¶ a name that will
forever stand ¶

¶ grand, grand

¶ grand

they've been practicin'.
Marvelous. Come along.

Oh, excellent, excellent. Excellent.
This is saul.

Welcome.
And his fiancee claymont.

And over here we have
mrs. Heatherington.

Angela.

Martha. Mary.

Anaizby, sir.
Anaizby.

Withers.
Withers. Fran. Beverly.

- And if memory serves--
- norris, sir.

Norris, the head gardener.
Hello, norris.

Ladies and gentlemen, may i introduce
you to my new son youngman.

¶

Dad?

Hmm?
Do you think words corrupt?

I don't know.

But let's try.

Agnes?
Yes?

- Nipple.
- Shh.

Well, there's no immediate
physical change.

I don't really think
words corrupt. No?

But they keep prosecuting these people
for selling pornographic books.

Hmm.
Why don't we write...

A dirty, filthy
pornographic book...

And then print it leaving blanks
where the dirty words were? Yes.

And then people could write
what they wanted themselves.

It'd be much more exciting.
Yes, and much more creative.

How about this?

Pounding with desire,
lord peter ripped open her--

Revealing her--

and leaned forward
and-- her.

Brilliant, youngman, but why
leave it at pornography?

What about the bible?
The bible?

Yes, the bible. Ladies and
gentlemen, presenting the good book.

¶ Can you make it better

groove with your
space commander, dad.

This is michael barrett reporting
from the famous cruft's dog show...

And here's mr. Umbongo
just after the incident.

A new breed of dog--
if in fact it was a dog--

made a spectacularly unfortunate debut
at the show when it opened here today.

The enduring question was the
so-called congo black dog known as,

or registered anyway,
as "big fang."

And it's a curious
catlike creature.

Today covered in a poodle-type coat
which almost obscured its face.

When its owner, mr. Umbongo from masawa
in west africa took it into the arena,

the beast went
absolutely berserk.

It ferociously attacked
the other entries.

There was devastation. There was
havoc, near panic in the galleries.

And it's reported that
the dog was actually eating...

An unspecified number
of its fellow entries.

This is michael barrett
returning you to the studio.

Oh, so dreadful, guy!
Switch it over.

That's better.

I can't imagine how a thing like
that could happen at cruft's.

A direct hit on st. Pete's, dad.
Good, good.

Good, youngman, good. Cook can't
do anything with the grouse, guy.

She says they're burnt
to a cinder.

Incompetence in the kitchen,
eh, sister?

Guy? Guy?

Cook said they were like that when she
opened the game bag. Carry on, youngman.

All ashes and bones.

Ashes and bones in the game bag? Ho-ho.
I don't like the sound of that.

- Eh, youngman?
- Me neither, dad.

There. Guy, we simply must
eat because i'm starving.

Now come along.
What? What?

- I'm starving.
- The whole world's starving.

Well, look here, sister.
Let me say if-- if cook...

Has in fact spoiled
our table bird,

why don't we all go down
to chez eduard.

Where, if memory serves,

an honest working man can still
get a good lancashire hot pot.

Chez eduard's such fun.
That's a splendid idea.

Can't we settle
our differences amicably?

No, son. No. Not while there's
a cathedral standing.

Yoo-hoo.

Good evening, sir guy.

Good evening, sir guy.
Everything is arranged for you.

Good, good. Sir guy, you
do me a great honor.

Eduard.
Nonsense, nonsense.

I've been imposing myself for one of your
gastronomic experiences for some time.

- Waiter.
- Everything is prepared as you ordered.

Good, good. Then i suggest
we waste no more time.

Guy, aren't you dining
with us?

No, dear agnes, no. When
the gourmet mood is on me,

my needs must dine alone.

You remember charles, sir guy?
Charles, charles.

The aden offensive,
was it not?

Give us one of the old ones,
charles. I love the old ones.

May i suggest the pour
commencer, c'est ce pas caviar?

The caviar, yes.
Beluga, of course.

Certainmente.
Beluga.

It's very interesting,
eduard.

But tonight i fancy...

Putting your canard
a l'orange to the test.

You have heard. It is
the canard a l'orange.

Uh, sommelier, yes.

Yes, that'll do very nicely.

Sir guy grand.
Last of the great gourmets.

Do you approve
of the wine, sir guy?

The cork is '47. Is the
wine aussi, sir guy?

A rare combination.

This plucky little burgundy has got
my juices a flowing. Merci, sir guy.

Extraordinaire.

With ministry of transport,
sixty pence.

Oh, another first
for england.

That's better.

God almighty, what's going
on here? Waiter!

You know, eduard,

the odd thing
about caviar...

Is that one never
gets enough toast.

Toast, sir guy? No, thank you.
I never touch it.

Mm-hmm.
The chopped egg.

Where a fish
is a sturgeon,

this can only come
from a virgin.

Mmm!

Yes, it is '47.

Excellent.

Yes, thank you.
This is the canard.

Yes, i love it.

Yes, i must speak
with the chef.

I must speak
with the chef.

Mon compliments a chef!
Mon compliments a chef!

That's the last we shall
see of him tonight.

¶

Gentlemen, a big hand
for a good loser.

But, guy, i thought you said it
was to be a soiree musicale.

Hold it, tiger.

Big smile.

It's the championship, aunt agnes.
Ike jones and joe thompson.

¶

Challenger joe thompson has just climbed
into the ring looking very fit.

Very fit indeed. And getting
a warm round of applause...

From this fine sporting crowd
here tonight.

All of them asking themselves Can
the challenger deliver his punch?

You know he's got it,
but can he deliver it?

Will he stay conscious
long enough to deliver it?

Good evening, milady.
Hello.

Ah, jeff, last of
the old bulldog breed, eh?

And here he comes now, the heavyweight
champion of the world, ike jones.

Just listen to the reception he's getting.
Just listen to this crowd.

Let's have a look at the record
of these two rugged customers.

I have reason to believe this may
be an exceptional bout. Yes.

Jones may be strong, granted.
But in my opinion,

joe thompson could easily be
that much too nimble for him.

Eh, jeff?
Certainly, sir.

Well, both these men
mount the ring...

With very impressive records
behind them.

The champion has been unbeaten
in a total of 78 bouts.

He's never been knocked out.

In fact, he's never even
been knocked off his feet.

But he has had to take plenty of
punishment from time to time.

Ike jones is certainly not hiding
behind the door, as they say,

when fighting heart
and guts was being handed out.

My lords, ladies
and gentlemen,

this is the main event...

Of the evening.

Fifteen rounds of boxing...

For the heavyweight
championship...

Of the world...

Between and
presenting to you...

In this corner
from battersea, london,

the british and british
empire champion,

john thompson.

And with pleasure, for the
first time in great britain,

from detroit,
united states of america,

the heavyweight champion
of the world,

ike jones!

Fighters move to the center of the ring. They're
getting final instructions from the referee.

Both fighters looking confident
and relaxed.

And the crowd here at this arena settles
back for what promises to be...

A very hard and lively scrap...

Between these two giants.

Now they've returned to their
corners and we wait for the bell.

Hit him straight
in the eye.

Our first round of this brutal
match for the heavyweight crown.

Both boys circling each other now carefully.
Each measuring his man.

Showing due respect for the lethal
power in the gloves of the opponent.

You're too much.

Come on then.

One, two,

guy, those men are absurd. I thought
they were just good friends.

The crowd seem
to be sickened...

By the sight of no blood.

There they are, son.
The dark blues.

The oxford crew. Stout hearts, the lot.
Where are they going, dad?

Nowhere in particular.
Back and forth.

Back and forth.
Working out.

Honing the edge,
if one may dare to coin.

They're practicing for the big
race with the cambridge eight.

That'll be our man, son. We'll
be wanting a word with him.

¶ If you want it here
it is come and get it ¶

¶ make your mind up fast

¶ if you want it
anytime i can give it ¶

¶ but you better hurry
'cause it may not last ¶

¶ Did i hear you say
that there must be a catch ¶

¶ will you walk away
from a fool and his money ¶

step inside.

Well, that much is done.
Done and double done.

Bit surprised he went
for it, actually.

I mean, the race being such a
traditional thing and all that.

Well, son, as you proceed
along the great road of life,

sometimes referred to as the "yellow
brick road," you'll find that the--

aha.

I say, what's
all this about?

What do you make of this, son?
What do you think this is?

Looks like an advert?
"What's it all about?"

Yes. This car is parked
in a loading zone.

And it's lucky for you it wasn't
towed away for that matter.

What is this thing?
What is it?

Now that-- that happens
to be a parking ticket...

That i've issued to you
for the violation.

But my son thought it was
an advert, didn't you?

What? I thought
it was an advert.

Yes, i can't see
the point of it myself.

I really can't see
the point at all.

The point is that
you are in violation.

You violated
the traffic rule...

Get out of it!

By parking your car
in a loading zone.

That's what it's all about.
What do you mean loading zone?

There's no loading
going on around here.

What do you think these sods are doing
with them pressurized ferkins then?

Tell me that then.

Pressurized ferkins.
Ferkins.

You know,
not many years ago,

i can recall the day...

When you could buy a decent pressurized
ferkin for a couple of pounds.

Let go, sir.

The whole thing is these sods aren't loading
pressurized ferkins. They're unloading.

Constable, there's the rub.
There's no difference.

There's no difference at all.
And don't call me constable.

It's warden.
Not sergeant, warden.

Well, then, are you trying
to tell me, sergeant warden,

is there's no difference between
loading and unloading?

What's he doin'? He looks like
a bleedin' nutcase to me.

Why don't you get
your bleedin' hair cut?

The silent scream.

"Open your mouth and eyes
as wide as you can...

"Stretching the muscles against the skin
and bones that hold the face together.

Try to tear
your face apart."

What's your game then?

Uh, grand is the name.

And, uh, money is the game.
Would you care to play?

"Make it as tiny
as you can.

Try and make your face
disappear."

What's that you said then? Can you
see this facsimile of her majesty?

God bless her. Just a minute.
What was that you said before?

Oh, my suggestion is...

That if you're prepared
to eat that parking ticket,

i will give you £500 sterling
for eating it.

What do you mean by that? What
do you mean, me eat that-that?

It's quite simple. Just put the ticket,
my good fellow, into your mouth,

chew it up and you swallow it,
and i give you this £500.

- Just a bloody minute.
- "Number 12:

"When sitting in a car place
your hands on the outside...

"Of the steering wheel and push
it with all your strength.

Combine with the exercise
silent scream and tiny face."

Silent scream.
Tiny face.

Yes, now listen.
Here--

are you--
are you telling me...

That you're-- you're willing
to give me 500 quid...

Yes, to eat that ticket.
To-- to eat that ticket?

It's what you might call a limited offer.
A limited offer.

Expiring in, shall we say,
i don't know, ten seconds?

Uh, give me that!

Shall we say ten?
Yes.

Start the countdown.
You can go as quick as you like.

- Nine--
- eight--

Seven, six,

five,

four,

three--

- you needn't eat the plastic.
- It's all right. It's all right.

I just wanted to see
if you had your price.

Most of us do.

Good luck, sir. I'm here--
i'm here every thursday.

Let that be a lesson to you!

¶

What's the nature
of it, son?

Something you can
share with your dad?

"For the gracious few, a new
concept in ocean cruising.

"The magic christian.

"Fully air-conditioned and
controlled-environment ship...

"Will depart tower bridge easter sunday
on its maiden voyage to new york.

Applications for passengers
are now being considered."

"Those denied passage
on the christian...

"Need not take offense.

Remember, our criteria
may not be yours."

I hope it keeps
fine for them.

What do you think they mean by
"our criteria may not be yours"?

It's to avoid offending people
who may not be quite top drawer.

Oh, i see.
How thoughtful.

Well, i know deborah and
simon applied this morning.

I hope they won't be
too disappointed if, uh--

well, not exactly
who's who, are they?

Excuse me. Do you mean
deborah and simon devanger?

Yes.
Ah, yes, terribly sweet.

Frightfully nice people,
but hardly burke's.

Hardly.

I do think, that in my opinion the
maiden voyage of the magic christian...

Could easily become
the social must of the season.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the auction is about to start.

Shall we go in?

I've got a little work to do.
I'll see you later.

I'll see you inside.
All right.

¶ If you want it

¶ here it is
come and get it ¶

¶ but you better hurry
'cause it's going fast ¶

¶ you better hurry
'cause it's going ¶

¶ fast

¶ a fool and his money

¶ sonny, if you want it

¶ here it is
come and get it ¶

¶ but you better hurry
'cause it's going fast ¶

¶ you better hurry
'cause it's going fast ¶

¶ you better hurry
'cause it's going ¶

¶ fast

excuse me.

This is, uh, rembrandt,
is it not?

Well, it may be.
It's not been authenticated.

It's certainly
school of rembrandt.

Hmm.

It's most
frightfully dark.

One can hardly make it
out at all.

Well, he was a master of
light and shade, wasn't he?

And it is a little old.

Uh, excuse me,
mister, uh--

dougdale.
Dougdale.

Might i ask... the price of this
example of light and shade?

It's being sold by auction,

but we expect to get about,
uh, £10,000.

I'd be prepared
to give you...

Fifteen.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, £15,000?

Yes.

See, well, i must assure you i've been
given instructions not to accept any--

in that case, my final
offer would be 30.

Th-thirty thousand pounds?
Yes.

Shit.

I do-- i really do
beg your pardon.

Sir, it's a deal.

Yes, good, good.

I, uh-- i like school of rembrandt.
Saint rembrandt's high.

Yes, i enjoy
all the french painters.

Uh, well, rembrandt was, uh,
in a sense, dutch.

- Although, he was much
influenced by the, uh-- - dutch?

The dutch. Rembrandt.

I don't like the, uh,
dutch painters.

The only thing the dutch
could paint--

Please.

Yes, please,
restrain yourself.

This is my painting.
I shall be paying you...

£30,000 for this
unauthenticated...

Copy of a french rembrandt.

There.
That's a splendid nose.

Seventeenth century?
Easily.

Excellent nose. Keep that.
You can burn the rest.

- Uh-- - yes, unless of
course you have any other...

- French noses by van dyck or--
- no.

Come, youngman.
Let's go and watch the auction.

And keep your eye open
for a good ear.

Mr. Gerard.

Number 1-3-3 in your catalog,
ladies and gentlemen.

"Dignity and impudence,"
by sir edward landseer.

This is
a victorian genre picture.

These pictures,
not always appreciated,

have now become to find a certain
favor among thecognoscenti.

No one back in baton rouge
owns a landseer. No, honey.

- And the colors are just right for our conversation pens.
- This is a big one.

Shall we start it
at £1,000?

See, mark the manner
of the others, youngman.

Don't tip your hand.
That is the fool's game.

Mm. Right.
£3,000.

3,500 from
an outer gallery.

4,000.

- 4,500.
- ¶

5,000.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is not the
usual practice of sotheby's...

To encourage bidding.

But £5,000
for this fine landseer,

executed at the height of the artist's
maturity, is really something--

Lord!
6,000.

- 6,500...
- He's lost control.

From an outer gallery.

7,000.

- 7,500.

8,000. 8,000--

9,000.

11,000.

11,500-- 12,000. 13,000.

- 14,000. 15,000.
- Guineas!

16,000. 17,000. Let me through.
I'm trying to bid!

- 18,000.
- 18,500!

It's against you, sir.

- No, i can't compete with these prices.
- All right, herbert.

Mark it sold to the old
american twit in the front row.

¶

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to london for this
great and grand historical event--

the oxford and cambridge
boat race.

And, as i look at it now, it seems we've
got the most perfect weather overhead.

They're wonderful conditions.
They really are. And, uh--

cambridge eight
have just appeared.

And we're waiting now for the
much-fancied oxford crew.

Well, then, now break it up, chaps, will you?
Gather around.

I, uh-- i'd like to
introduce sir guy grand...

And his son,
youngman grand.

Sir guy's come down with a very
interesting proposition to us.

- Sir guy.
- Lads, we, uh,

had a little idea
concerning the race.

Yes.
Yes. Yes.

An endeavor, you might say,
to make it somewhat more...

Interesting
this year.

Cambridge are making their way
to the starting position,

but there's still
no sign of oxford.

We're here, in fact, to make
you a very interesting offer.

Of money.

- I think they're trying to bribe us.
- They are.

Oxford still haven't put in an appearance,
and the crowd's getting just a bit restive.

It's really most extraordinary. I'm quite sure
the umpire's got something to say about this.

Oxford,
can you hear me?

You mean you've actually come here to offer
us money to interfere with the race?

Yes,
that's right.

I think you ought to leave.
You have the wrong men.

But you must
leave immediately.

You should realize, sir, that
oxford men cannot be bought.

Hear! Hear!
Mm.

But, you see, we thought that
if the sum was large enough,

as large as that.

- Now, get a move on, please!
- and here's oxford at last.

Well, i make them about--
about five minutes late.

That's better.

I think it is the first time in the history
of the race that any crew has been late.

Get ready!

Are you ready?

- Row!
- And now they're off. They're off to a good start.

They're late,
but nevertheless underway,

and despite a rather fresh head wind,
they're moving along rather nicely.

Cambridge have settled down nicely.
Moving along tidily, sir john.

Ah, yes.
Splendid. Splendid.

The best i've seen since i
stroked them in '28. Oh?

Yes. Before your time, of course.
Oh, of course.

Yes, of course,
yes.

Now, both crews are rowing with almost
perfect style and lots of polish.

But now as i look, cambridge
are putting up the stroke now.

And as they shoot hammersmith
bridge, i make cambridge about--

oh, i should say--
a good length ahead.

The light blues are putting
up the stroke a bit, son.

They're giving it ten. Mm,
you might be right, dad.

What do you mean, "you might be right"?
They are giving out ten.

Yes. Yes. You and i know they're giving out ten, john.
I was pointing it out to him.

He's new to the game. Oh, i see.

Why, is he entitled
to that cap?

I mean to say, why is he wearing it?
To keep me head warm.

Oh.
"Keep it warm."

Yes.

Now, at about half way
along the course,

cambridge are still in the lead, and we'll just
see how oxford will respond to this challenge.

Now, with these lads, it isn't win or lose or
draw that counts. It's simply playing the game.

That's how it's been for 140
years over this boat race,

and that's how it is today
on the thames here.

And--

good, god! What on earth's
going on, for heaven's sake?

- The bloody swine have cut their rudder line.
- Oxford!

- You're out of your water!
- It looks like a change in tactics for the dark blues.

Hold on, son. Let's not
jump to conclusions.

- They're gonna ram 'em amidship!
- Good god!

- They've been practicin'.
- Yes. What do you make of it, john?

Well, it would've never have
happened in my day. Nor mine.

- Well, it's happenin' in mine!
- it seems the light blues...

Have lost their all too hastily
acquired polish, eh, son?

And now the dark blues
are turning back.

Good lads. They're going
back to lend a hand.

Looks like some kind
of a punch up.

- This leaves a very nasty taste in the mouth.
- - Yes, indeed.

Come here, john. Anything that leaves
a nasty taste in the mouth disgraces.

What? John. Could you just--
for a quick photo together.

Thank you. It's a disgrace.
The whole thing is a disgrace.

Bloody students!

What's going on there, umpire?
Infringement!

Yes, umpire.
What's going on?

What is it?

Hello, this is michael aspel,
and welcome once again to...

Another edition of
people are talking about.

Well, these days--

...is this fantastic new
dream ship, the magic christian.

Now let's meet the man who's going to
be at the helm for her maiden voyage,

captain reginald k. Klaus.

Good afternoon, captain. How do you do?
How do you do?

Sit yourself down.
Thank you very much.

Uh-huh. Now, captain, you're no
stranger to a distinguished command,

but how does it feel to be
selected for what must be...

The most coveted captaincy
in the history of seamanship?

Quite an honor, i think
i'd say. An honor, yes.

She's a marvelous ship, sir.
So, how would you sum up?

After 35 years of service
to queen and sea,

i've never looked forward
so eagerly to a new command.

How's that? Thank you
very much, captain klaus.

And captain klaus is not
alone in his feelings,

because tonight many people
are thinking about...

The maiden voyage
of the magic christian.

And, as well,
about the lucky people...

Who are going to be fortunate
enough to be passengers.

Although, of course,
the so-called gracious few...

Will have to dig into their
own pockets to the extent...

Of about £5,000 each.

But certainly amongst
these beautiful, trendy people,

it would seem the only "in"
place to be this easter...

Is on board
the magic christian.

Good evening. This is alan whicker
at tower bridge quay in london,

from where
the magic christian,

the most luxurious ship
ever to sail from this port,

is about to embark upon her maiden
voyage to the new world, to new york.

And we're here to see
the arrival and the departure...

Of the elite
of international society--

the men and women who shape
the destinies of nations--

the passengers
of the magic christian.

¶

Ladies and gentlemen,
you're invited...

To make your way to the marine
room on the ocean floor deck...

Where dinner
is now being served...

And the captain is waiting
to welcome you on board.

¶

- Youngman, enjoying yourself?
- So far, so good, dad.

Good.

Here's our captain on the bridge.
Ah.

Captain klaus, here.

Nice to have you aboard.
I'll tell you our course.

Now leaving thames estuary
and having cleared land's end,

we shall fix
on about, uh,

forty-seven degrees
west by norwest.

We're running through
a bit of a chop at the moment,

but thanks to our
multihead gyrostabilizers,

i think we can look forward to smooth
sailing throughout the voyage.

Now here we have our radar,

and here our photoplot.

This is the master compass.
And...

This, of course,
is the wheel.

Comforting.
Comforting.

But i prefer to handle
the ship myself.

It may be
an old-fashioned notion,

but i still like to regard
my ship as a woman.

Bloody fool!
Shh, shh.

Nice to have you aboard.

¶

Good evening.
Guy grand.

Chupcho. Major chupcho.
En garde.

Oh, how do you do.

I must say, i see
few, if indeed any,

persons of color
among the ship's cavalry.

Huh, some blacks? Blacks
aboard the christian?

Not bloody likely.

What is it, dear? The fellow's going
on about jungle bunnies, my dear.

¶ black and white

¶ black and white

¶ everyone everywhere's

¶ getting uptight

¶ but gray skies
turn to blue ¶

¶ when i dance with you

¶ mr. Universe

¶ mr. Universe

- ¶ wrong and right
- psst, psst.

¶ wrong and right

¶ let us just hold up

¶ the future is bright

- ¶ but a far far
better moon ¶ - ¶

¶ You bring into view

¶ mr. Universe

¶ mr. Universe

¶ dancing with

¶ you

"'oh, badger!' Cried the rat.
'Let us in, please.

"'It's me, ratty,
and my friend, mole,

- and we've lost our way in the snow.'"
- Oh.

There's a picture of them
losing their way in the snow.

It looks very deep.

"'What, ratty, my dear little
man?' Exclaimed the badger...

In quite
a different voice."

Take us to cuba!

Good heaven.

Cynthia.
Cynthia! Oh!

Oh, she's
always asleep.

"Carried a flat candlestick
in his paw."

Get up! Come on! Get up, everybody!
Get up!

Sounds like trouble
in the passageway.

They may have
automatic weapons!

I'll just take
a shuftie.

Good heavens.
What's all this about, eh?

Well, there's a general
impression, captain,

that there's been trouble
on the bridge, eh, lads?

- Looks like trouble on the bridge.
- Trouble on my bridge?

That'll be the proverbial
snowstorm in august...

When there's trouble on
the bridge of the christian.

Ah. That must be three bells. I, for
one, must get back to the wheel.

Now, i suggest you all have a talk with
the sitz grog and get back to bed.

See you in the morning.
Nice to have you aboard.

¶

Sir!
Sir. Sir.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the
ship's physician, laurence faggot.

Oh, doctor, what in the name
of god's going on here?

Now, now, sir herb.
What's all this?

Fair-weather sailor,
cross and irritable,

the moment things don't
exactly suit you. Suit me!

There are odd things going
on that need an explanation!

Explanation? Why don't we
have a little tête-à-tête.

Perhaps, you could tell me about your
childhood, your early childhood.

I don't need any of that
psychological claptrap!

If you could please just
give me some tranquilizers.

Escape into drugs? Mask your
fears in an artificial fog?

Oh, surely, you can't be serious.
Oh, well,

give me some decent
english aspirin.

Here, sir herb, try this. It's
just what the doctor ordered.

Oh, what is it.
It's cannabis, a herb.

It'll tighten your wig.
Tighten my wig?

Why, it's damnable wog hemp!

Who do you think you're kidding? I
saw you try to ditch that stuff.

Okay, buddy. This is a bust.
Let's move.

B-but i was in bed reading!
Oh, cynthia!

This damnable wog hemp is burning
a hole in the ship's carpet, son.

We don't want that, do we, dad?
No, we don't.

Let's really go and listen to the story.
Good idea.

¶

This way, ladies and gentlemen.
This is, of course, the pool room.

Quite a nasty squall on today,

freezing fog at about
two-feet visibility.

But you wouldn't think so here on
the promenade deck, would you?

Just feel that sunshine and its
life-giving rays. Hmm, lovely.

Good morning!
Morning.

Morning.

Now then, let's step into the
sea spray bar for an aperitif.

Testing, hot damn vietnam.
Testing, hot damn vietnam.

One, two, buckle my shoe.
Hear this. Attention, please.

We're happy to announce today's
feature film presentation...

Will be men in white, the gripping
story of love and sacrifice,

commencing in five minutes in the
"b" deck theater. Men in white?

Men in white? One of the great classics
of the silver screen, am i right, son?

Right again, dad. You're quite uncanny.
Come on. Let's go.

Well, there it is, nurse.

Why, you're lookin' at the all-american
answer to the color problem,

the first multiracial
head transplant in history.

Aw, shoot!

Oh, never mind. There's plenty
more where that boy come from.

Yes?

Your tea, milady. Just put
it down on the table.

Yes, milady.

Thank you.
That will be all.

Not... quite,
milady.

No more bets now.

No more bets. Thank you.

Twenty-four, black.

Sir, he pocketed my plaque.
He what?

That swine, rivello, he removed my wager.
I didn't see that.

He put it in his pocket. He
pocketed my plaque! All right, sir.

I highly recommend
this beaujolais.

Oh, i mustn't have
too much, must i?

Well, perhaps,
just a little bit more.

¶

Would you like to buy a
girl a drink, big boy?

Thanks.

Here's looking
at you, mister.

¶

Oh, isn't this fun, guy?
Divine. Divine.

Oh, look, guy!

How gravely they dance.

¶

¶ Mad about the boy

¶ i know it's stupid

¶ to be mad
about the boy ¶

¶ i'm so

¶ ashamed of it
but must admit ¶

¶ the sleepless nights

¶ i'm mad about the boy

¶
¶ on the silver screen

¶ he melts my foolish heart

¶ in every single scene

¶ although, i'm quite aware
that here and there ¶

¶ are traces of

¶ the cad about the boy

¶ lord knows
i'm not a fool girl ¶

¶ i really shouldn't care

¶ lord knows
i'm not a schoolgirl ¶

¶ in the flurry of her first

¶ affair

¶ if i could employ

¶ a little magic

¶ that would
finally destroy ¶

¶ this dream that pains me
and enchains me ¶

¶ but i can't because

¶ i'm mad about the boy

¶ mad about the boy

¶ mad about

¶ the boy

oh, no.
Oh, yes.

Now hear this.
Now hear this.

Please
put on your life jackets.

Quietly, go to your cabins
and wait there.

Maybe the ship's going
down with all hands down.

Passengers are respectfully
reminded...

That cabin carts are not--

repeat-- not allowed
to accept gratuities.

Thank you.

There is no cause for alarm.
There is no cause for--

you know, it's probably
a lifeboat drill.

Better safe than sorry, one.

Make your way to "b" deck
immediately. I repeat--

make your way to "c" deck
immediately.

Youngman, what is going on? Ship's
concert, i shouldn't wonder.

The magic christian
has proven to be...

Unseaworthy.

I repeat-- the magic christian
has proven to---

Looks like trouble
on the bridge.

What's going on?
What is going on?

What's happening?
What's happening?

No, but seriously, folks.

Sir, i say, how do we
get out of here?

Through the engine room, if memory serves.
Thank you so much.

In, out.

In, out!

In, out. In--

during my reign
as priestess of the whip,

i've never seen such
unmitigated sloth.

- My god! What's going on here?
- J'accuse!

How dare this intrusion?
Who are these people?

- Oh, these are me mates.
- Out! Out!

Oh, i say!

Do that again.
Out!

Out!
Out of my galley!

Everything's shipshape.

Abandon ship!

What channel's that thing?
I really can't imagine.

All this violence.
Oh, really, guy.

Eh? Huh?

One of the classics
of yesteryear, is it?

You can say what you like, agnes, but
when it comes to family entertainment,

the old hollywood moguls can
still show us a thing or two.

This is the new captain
speaking. Now hear this.

Here, get a dolly! Thank god, we've arrived!
It's new york!

Well, look!
Look, it's tower bridge!

It's bloody tower bridge!

Christ!
We haven't gone anywhere!

We spent the last 48 hours
in the goddamn warehouse!

Now getting it ready for you.

Now getting it ready for you!

Not yet ready for you!
Won't be long though!

Now getting it ready.

Come back later.
Nearly ready.

Almost ready for you.

Any time now.

Not long now for free money.

Free money.
Don't rush the stairway.

Here, very soon.
And it's free!

Remember that!
Free money!

Costs you nothing!

Arriving now!
Arriving now!

Sir guy grant?
Grand. Yes. Yes.

This your order then?
Let's have a look.

Is this right, son?
Uh, 100 gallons of blood.

Two hundred gallons
of urine.

Five hundred cubic feet
of animal manure. Yeah.

Where do you
want it put?

Put it in the vat.
Put it in that, fred.

¶ Call out the instigators

¶ because there's
something in the air ¶

¶ we've got to get together

¶ sooner or later

¶ because
the revolution's here ¶

¶ and you know it's right

¶ And you know
that it's right ¶

¶ we have got
to get it together ¶

¶ we have got
to get it together ¶

¶ now

¶ close up the streets
and houses ¶

¶ because there's
something in the air ¶

¶ we've got to get together
sooner or later ¶

¶ because
the revolution's here ¶

¶ and you know it's right

¶ and you know
that it's right ¶

¶ we have got
to get it together ¶

¶ we have got to
get it together ¶

¶ now

what do you think
of it, dad?

Very good, indeed. A bit literal,
i suppose, if one goes into it.

And they're
certainly going to.

¶ Hand out
the arms and ammo ¶

¶ we're gonna blast
our way through here ¶

¶ we got to get together
sooner or later ¶

you're quite right,
youngman.

There must be
a simpler way.

This is it. Well,
let's give it a try.

Hear! Hear! Hear!
What's going on?

Oi! Come on! Come on here!
You can't do that, you can't.

It's against
park regulations!

Sod the regulations. You can
keep here any night you like.

Good night, gents.

¶ If you want it

¶ here it is
come and get it ¶

¶ make your mind up fast

¶ if you want it
anytime i can give it ¶

¶ but you better hurry
'cause it may not last ¶

¶ did i hear you say
that there must be a catch ¶

¶ will you walk away
from a fool and his money ¶

¶ if you want it

¶ here it is
come and get it ¶

¶ but you better hurry
'cause it's going fast ¶

¶ if you want it

¶ here it is
come and get it ¶

¶ make your mind up fast

¶ if you want it
anytime i can give it ¶

¶ but you better hurry
'cause it may not last ¶

¶ did i hear you say
that there must be a catch ¶

¶ will you walk away
from a fool and his money ¶

¶ sonny, if you want it

¶ here it is
come and get it ¶

¶ but you better hurry
'cause it's going fast ¶

¶ you better hurry
'cause it's going fast ¶

¶ you better hurry
'cause it's going ¶

¶ fast