All language subtitles for The Love God (1969)

[ Siren Wailing ]

[Man]
The love god?

[Man] And let's not forget
the inspiring words of the poet:

“Oh, beautiful
for spacious skies,

“For amber waves of grain,

“For purple mountain majesty,

Above the fruited plain.”

But 1 say, all the beauty
of our glorious country...

is meaningless ifits
artistic soul is to be stifled...

by narrow-minded
and antiquated laws.

Is it any wonder this country
has never produced...

a Michelangelo, a Rembrandt,
a Picasso--

when men like Osborn Tremain
are persecuted...

for trying to bring beauty and
art to a culture-hungry public.

Is it any wonder that the rest
of the artistic world...

considers our country
a cultural desert,

when true lovers of art,
like Osborn Tremain,

are crucified on the
cross of ignorance?

Is Osborn Tremain
to be martyred...

for being a worshiper
at the shrine of beauty...

and, through his
artistic publications,

sharing this love
with a culture-starved public?

How long is God-given beauty
to be strangled...

by man-made laws?

The spirits of the great poets of
antiquity stand next to Osborn Tremain,

crying in his defense: “A
thing of beauty is a joy forever.”

“Beauty is truth, truth beauty,”
wrote Keats.

Can this court take it upon itself
to judge what s beauty and art?

In the face of such words as
these, I quote: “She walks in beauty...

“Jike the night of cloudless
climes and starry skies.

“And all that's best
of dark and bright...

“meet in her aspect
and in her eyes,

“thus, mellowed
to that tender light...

which Heaven
to gaudy day denies.”

Unquote.
Lord Byron, 1821.

Quote. “Every obscene, lewd or lascivious
filthy book, pamphlet, picture...

“or other publication
of an indecent character...

“Is declared to be nonmailable matter
and shall not be conveyed in the mails...

or deljvered from any post
office or by any carrier.”

Unquote.
LS. Crirminal Code, 1909.

[Sighs]
You know, Tremain,

this is your ninth appearance
before me.

As a matter of curiosity, is there anything
new you can say before I pronounce judgment?

If I am guilty of anything,
Your Honor,

it is of being a lover
of grace and beauty--

Grace and beauty!

If your idea of grace
and beauty is this--

this coarse, overdeveloped
caricature of a woman--

Your Honor!
You're speaking about my wife.

Your wife?

Well, that is Evelyn,
isn't it.

My humble apologies,
Mrs. Tremain.

After all these years, it's ridiculous
not to have known it was you.

Now let's get this over with.

As usual, guilty.
As usual, suspended sentence.

Thank you, Your Honor. Uh,
one moment, beauty worshiper.

On behalf of the Attorney General,
may I wish you a final good-bye?

Oh, is the Attorney General
retiring?

No. You are. The Postmaster
General has been enjoined...

to revoke your fourth-class
mailing privilege.

My mailing privilege! But Your
Honor, a publisher without his mailing--

Is out of business! In other
words, Mr. Osborn Tremain,

your career as a peddler
of filth, smut and dirt is over.

You'll have to find
another business.

What other business? This
is all I know, all I've ever done!

[ Sobbing ]

We've ever done.

Chin up. We've weathered storms
like this before, haven't we, Mother?

Not this storm. without a mailing
privilege there isn't a distributor...

who'll touch a Tremain
publication with rubber gloves.

When will the government stop
interfering with private business?

Let's stop for lunch.
I"m hungry.

[Woman]
Won't you contribute?

Thank you, sir.

[Lawyer ] Where are we? [Man]
Some dump called Peacock City.

And I'm weak from hunger.
Let's stop here.

[Woman] Won't you contribute
to the magazine fund, maam?

Would you like to help Abner,
sir? Thank you.

[Woman]
Thank you, sir.

Won't you contribute?
Won't you please give?

Save the Peacock Magazine.

Would you contribute to the Save
the Peacock Magazine Fund, sir?

Uh, we already gave.
Bless you, sir.

Come on,
the light's changed.

Save the Peacock Magazine!

[Choir]
o Nita, Juanita ;>

S Ask thy soul
if we should part ;>

o Nita, Juanita ;>

o Lear thotr or >

J My heart ;.

Now a selection we've been
waiting for all evening,

featuring a young man whose
place in the hearts of this community...

Is evidenced by your presence
here tonight.

Accompanied by my daughter,
Rose Ellen, at the piano,

here he is, in that selection
which clearly demonstrates...

why, for 11 years in a row,

he's won the Eastern Seaboard
Bird Calling Contest.

Our own Abner Peacock.

[ Clears Throat ]
Thank you.

“Summer in the Meadow,”
by Eloise Dudley Fetlock.

Jo [ Piano Introduction]

[ Choir] J Onawarm summer's
day as we wend our way J

< Through the fields
smelling sweetly of heather

o As we stroll along
let us hark to the song

& Of our dear, little
friends of the feather

o Greeting his guests
is the robin redbreast

[ Imitating Robin's Call ]

O From the foliage lush
comes the song of the thrush

[ Thrush's Call ]

O The kingfisher's bark
[ Harsh Bird Call ]

< The gay meadowlark J
[ Bird Call ]

& The turtledove's croon &
[ Cooing ]

J The laugh of a loon
[ Strident Laugh]

[ Women ] o Is that
a snipe J [ Bird Call ]

[ Men] o NO, a friendly
bobwhite [ Bird Call ]

O The herring gull's howl
Hoot of an owl [ Bird Calls ]

& Mallard duck's cackle
Blue-bellied grackle [ Bird Calls ]

& A coot, hawk A crow,
an auk g [ Rapid Bird Calls ]

JAfinch, a swallow
A quail > [ Bird Calls ]

JTitwillow 2
[ Twittering Whistle]

O A grouse, a rook, a turkey
[ Squawks, Gobbles ]

& But look

& There, overhead majestic
and regal The king of them all &

J The American eagle J
[ Raucous Screech ]

J From sea to shining &

J5ea gy
[ Screeching Continues ]

JAN DS

Magnificent,
simply magnificent.

Thank you. And now, dear
people, comes our chance...

to tell Abner in a financial
way what we think of him.

He's the most decent,
wonderful boy in the world--

sold out by his own relatives!

Now, now, Miss Keezy, I'm sure
that after our efforts here tonight,

the Peacock will remain
safely in Abner's hands.

Now let's show it.

Now for the grand total.
Miss Pickering?

Four hundred
and seventy-two dollars...

and sixty-three cents.

Uh, gee, that's, uh,
wonderful, everybody.

It's really wonderful of you.

But I'm afraid
that we're still, uh,

just a little bit short.

Well, how much do you need,
Abner?

Forty-seven thousand dollars.

[ Murmuring ]

Uh, but listen. I guess
everything must come to an end.

Please!

We can't just stand by
and watch Abner's magazine die!

Are we gonna let Abner down?

Please! Won't somebody
give something?

Anything?

[Osborn]
1/ plecige $47,000.

[ People Murmuring ] Did
somebody say something?

I pledge $47,000.

$47,000? We
haven't got 47 cents.

I want no part
in this.

[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, Mister... uh--

Does the name Osborn Tremain
mean anything to you?

I"m sorry, no.
That's quite all right.

Mr. Peacock, I've made millions in the
publishing business-- mostly technical textbooks.

And with the trash on the stands
today, I would be an ingrate...

if1 did not offer
a few thousand dollars...

to keep a decent magazine alive.

Mr. Tremain--
No, no, none of that!

The foreclosure is--
Noon, tomorrow.

I'll be there in time with the money.
You have the word of Osborn Tremain.

[ Bell Tolling ]

That's it, Mr. Pomfred.

You're the highest
and only bidder.

Mr. Peacock, I"m sure
Mr. Tremain was delayed!

In all decency-- Uncle Amos,
c-can't you wait just a few minutes?

After 125 years, you can't just
up and... kil the Peacock?

Kill what? Peacock's Magazine
has been dead for the past 20 years.

As majority stockholders,
our branch of the family...

has been trying to unload this
white elephant-- White elephant!

Uncle Amos, this magazine has
brought honor to the name of Peacock!

That's why it's better
this way, nephew.

Why, you-- you wouldn't want to drag that
honorable name through bankruptcy, would you?

Well-- Of course not! Well,
that does it, Mr. Pomfred.

You can sell the presses as junk,
start demolishing the building in a month.

Junk?

Oh, Abner. I'm sorry.

Now, now, Rose Ellen.
Come on. Come on.

We just have to...

learn to take it on the chin.

Miss Pickering?
Yes, sir.

We'll have to rewrite
that last editorial.

Just head it... um...

last issue.

[Sighs]

[Crying]
Dear and faithful friends...

of the bird.

That's it.
Let's go.

And while Peacock's Magazine
may be gone,

it's spirit wifl--
will live on...

in the song...
of the bobolink;

in the peep...
of the tufted titmouse--

Stop the sale!
Stop the sale!

Too late?

- What can I say?
- 1-1t's not your fault, Mr. Tremain.

Believe me, it's--
[ Exhales ]

You see that?
Uh-huh.

That's my great-grandfather.
That's my grandfather.

And that's my father.

And they handed me
a great name.

And I, uh--

Well, I failed.

Did I hear a red-blooded
American boy use the word “fail”?

Tell mel didn't. Mr. Tremain,
I have nothing left!

All I have is a title to a magazine,
a handful of old subscribers--

And a fourth-class mailing
privilege? A fourth-class mail--

My little friend, this is just the
beginning of Peacock Magazine's...

return to the greatness
that once it knew!

Edited by my own staff in New
York, printed on my own presses.

Abner, the Peacock
is going to live!

[ Sniffles ] I don't know
how I can ever repay you.

Repay me?
You already have,

with your performance
last night.

On your coot call,
my wife cried.

Well. [ Chuckles Sheepishly
] Thank you, Mrs. Tremain.

Bird lover?

Well, then, you must know-- I
don't mean to brag or anything,

but you gotta be pretty good on your mating
calls to get the birds close enough...

to get the really
great pictures.

They come flyin' right in there
toward you, expecting--

[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, you know.

And then, instead,
snap! [ Laughs ]

So that's how it's done.

Abner Peacock, just how
good are you? Well, I--

Good enough to do what no bird
photographer has ever been able to do?

You mean-- Get a picture
of the only bird so shy that--

The South American female
speckled flicker? The South Amer--

Ipacarus Tropicanus? Habitat:
Verde Grosse jungle in Brazil!

A picture
of the Jpacarus Tropicanus!

That's the dream of every bird
photographer in the whole world!

My dream too! Can you
do it, Abner Peacock?

Can you bring her close
enough for that picture--

the picture that will
rock the bird world...

and bring fame and glory
to Peacock Magazine?

Can you do it,
Abner Peacock?

[ Imitates Bird Squawking
] What the hell was that?

Beautiful! Save it! Save
it! [ Continues Squawking ]

There's a plane leaving
for Brazil in two hours.

Get on it, Abner Peacock.
Bring back that dream!

Abner!

Excuse me.

Rose Ellen,
when I get back,

I want to ask you
something. I'll be waiting. Bye.

You've just time
to pack. Let's go!

W-Wait. Uh... one last look.

I understand.

Uh, Mr. Tremain.
What is it?

Oh, uh, it's Miss Pickering.

She's been with the magazine
ever since my grandfather.

I promised that as long as there was a
Peacock Magazine, there'd be a place for her.

I"m afraid-- She
only gets $21 a week.

Always room for one more
in the Tremain empire. Great.

[ Chuckles ]
Miss Pickering!

Y-Y-Yes? You're
goin' to New York!

Ohh! N-New York?

At last! New York!

This is the last paper
for you to sign.

Don't bother reading it; just petty
details my legal department insists on.

Oh, okay. Oh,
Miss Pickering, remember,

for our cover,
the scarlet tanager.

- New York at last. New York!
- We'll be at the airport any minute.

I'd better explain: The luxury
jet to Brazil was booked solid.

However, the name Osborn
Tremain does carry weight.

So we were fortunate enough
to get you aboard aspecial flight.

[ Engine Sputtering ]

When you land in Rio, there will
be a chartered limousine waiting.

[ Rattling ]

1t will take you directly to La Plata,
where a luxury launch will be waiting.

[Chugging ]

That will take you up the Amazon
to the Verde Grosse jungle,

the village of Padido. [ Men
Fighting, Shouting In Native Language ]

There you will be met
by the most expert...

and dependable guide
of the Verde Grosse rain forest,

the famous
Jose Renaldo Rodriguez.

Come right in, honey,
I"m Miss Pickering.

We're running a little late today, so just
undress behind the screen there, dearie.

[Evelyn] Fdna, honey?
Coming, Ev, baby.

This is it. This is it.

Now you are standing
in the exact middle...

of the most thickest jungle
in the world!

It's exciting!
It's really exciting!

Jose.
Huh? Oh.

[ Squawking ]

What's next?
Huh? Oh.

Let me see the instructions
from Mr. Tremain.

Looks like rain, huh?

Rain! Doesn't look
like rain to me.

Sky looks just as clear as--

Jose!

Jose!

[ Chuckles ]
Jose?

[ Cork Pops ]

[ Shouts ] Jose! Where'd he go?

[ Bird Squawking ]

[ Imitates Squawking ]
[ Bird Repeats Squawk ]

All right, everybody out! Get 'em
in the wagon. [ Women Screaming ]

Honest, I thought this was the
Red Cross. I came to give blood.

Get 'em in the wagon.
Get those doors open!

What is the meaning
of this?

Get that coat
off my wife's body!

Osborn Tremain, as publisher of an
obscene-- Osborn Tremain? Publisher?

Who said he's the publisher?
Oh, now, stop stalling, Fenton.

The Attorney General
recognized Evelyn.

Did you hear that, Mother? Did you see
where she's in the hammock with her legs up?

Oh!'You know we have every
legal right to stop publication.

Of course, as soon as you've
personally served the, uh,

registered and legal publisher,
Abner Peacock IV.

Abner Peacock [V?

Come on, back to work.

You won"t get away with it. If we
have to call in every man in the F.B.IL,,

we'll find this
Abner Peacock in 24 hours.

Wherever he is!

[ Bird Squawking ]

[ Squawks Continue ]

[ Imitating Squawk ]

[ Continues Squawking ]

Mr. Hotchkiss,
National Ornithologist?

Mr. Peacock?
Peacock Magazine?

It was you who, uh--

A-And it was... you who...
uh--

[Sobs]

- Now, now, Mr. Hotchkiss.
- We're never gonna be seen alive!

Y-You're with a woodsman.
we'll find the river.

It's that way.
[ Boat Whistle ]

No, it's this way.

It's this way,
Mr. Hotchkiss! Follow me!

[Screams ]

Over here!
A boat, Mr. Hotchkiss!

We're saved!

Id just like to know what this
whole thing's about, that's what.

There's been a mistake!
A mistake! [--

[ Protesters ] Jail dirty
Abner. Jail dirty Abner.

Here he comes! [ Reporter
] Who put up your bail?

Are you gonna fight?
Hold it, Abner!

[ People All Talking At Once]
[Lady] Go back to Russia!

Please! Please!
Folks, listen!

I'm not like you think
at all! Honest.

Anybody in Peacock City can tell
you that I"m just a clean, decent--

Hello, Miss Keezy.
[Spits]

[ People Jeering ]

You want the family to
represent you? Really, nephew!

Isn't the name of one Peacock
in such a dirty case enough?

But Uncle Amos, I don't have any
money to hire a lawyer. Wh-What can I do?

Do? Do what any decent man
who honors his family would do.

- Plead guilty!
- Plead guilty?

That way it's quick
and done with.

Just one headline: “Dirty Abner
Gets Ten Years,” and it's all over.

But I'm innocent!
And if you won't help me,

there's plenty of people
who will!

[Boy]
Hi, Mr. Peacock!

Hi, Mr. Erickson!

[ Tires Squealing ]

Hello, Miss Keezy.

[Abner] Who is it? We
have to see you right away.

ls it important?

I"m right in the middle
of doing something.

It's very important,
Mr. Peacock.

It could be the most important
thing in your life.

[Lock Clicking Open]

Mr. Peacock? We're attorneys from
the Council for Constitutional Liberty.

We want to represent you at your forthcoming
trial. You want to be my lawyers?

We? Oh, no, Mr. Peacock.
We'll be just assisting at the trial.

You'll be represented
by Darrell Evans Hughes.

Darrell Evans Hughes!

Mr. Peacock,

from this moment on,
you can consider your case won.

Now, until the trial, we're going to
keep you hidden away in a hotel room.

Away from all reporters,
all television.

No publicity.

No publicity.

Abner Peacock is being
used as a scapegoat...

to further the political
ambitions of..

Your Attorney General
Frederick Snow.

I thought there wasn't
gonna be any publicity. Shh.

Abner Peacock-- slandered,
prejudged, penniless--

is fighting
for his life!

But... heis also
fighting for the rights...

of every liberty-loving
American...

who cherishes
his freedom of speech.

Is Abner Peacock
fighting alone?

No! Abner Peacock is
fighting the Establishment!

Are we with him?
[ Cheering ]

If they jail Abner Peacock,
they'll have to jail all of us!

[Chanting ] Let
him go! Let him go!

Another campus, another demonstration
over the Abner Peacock controversy...

that is rocking the country and
has exploded throughout the world.

And now, by satellite,
to Paris.

[ Mob Yelling ]

I sort of thought we were
gonna keep this quiet.

We're here in front of the Attorney
General's office in Washington,

where the picket line
is now in its fourth day.

He is fighting for our rights.
Ifhe goes to jail,

it'll be the end
of free speech in America.

Attorney General Frederick Snow
ls stamping out our liberties.

Freddie Snow must go!

Freddie Snow must go!

Freddie Snow must go!
Freddie Snow must go!

- Freddie Snow must go!
- [Man ] Ladlies and gentlemen, the Attorney General.

The truth is, Abner Peacock is
not fighting for great principles.

He is fighting for the privilege of
dirtying America with smut like this!

And this.

More of his
revolting nudity.

Disgusting,
isn't it?

How do you like this?
And this?

Yes, isn't it wonderful?
Me, on television!

Everybody I know's
been calling!

Hurry! They're showing you
in the hammock!

Oh, I'll call you
right back, Mother!

[ Show On TV ] This is the smut
Peacock has been spewing...

into the homes of America.

This dirt. This
obscenity. This filth.

This is the most beautiful
moment of my life.

[ Officer] All right,
there's just so much room.

[Woman]
There he is!

We're with you, Abner!
Keep your cool, baby!

Mr. Hughes, what will your
strategy be? No comment.

Abner, what do you think of
your chances? Well, the truth--

Come on. [Rose Ellen] Abner!

Hello.

Hi, Uncle Amos.

[ Man] Right here, boss. Look who's here.
The golden girl of the magazine world.

[ Reporters Laugh] Cool
it, boys. I"m just slumming.

I thought you might be able
to use these, Mr. Hughes.

This is a plaque of appreciation
from my Boy Scout troop.

These are some potholders
made by my Sunday School class.

Darrell!
Fred.

Good to see you.
How's Jean and the girls?

Fine, thanks. Lucy
and that big boy of yours?

The kid went out for football. That
figures. Rah, rah, for Rutgers, huh?

Oh, I don't think you've met
my client, Mr. Abner Peacock.

Attorney General Snow. Hi. I
guess it's been pretty tough on you.

In a little while,
it'll all be over.

All I want is for the truth
about me to come out.

Well, that's
what we're here for.

[ Bailiff Pounding Gavel ]
All rise.

The Honorable Jucdge
Jeremiah Claypool.

The prosecution will proceed
with its opening statement.

Your Honor, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,

Mr. Darrell Evans Hughes,

who, incidentally, I consider
not only a close friend,

but as our country's foremost
fighter for justice...

and human rights.

Mr. Hughes, in one of his many
television pretrial appearances,

has suggested
that as Attorney General,

it should be I who should be seated at
the defense table next to Mr. Peacock,

protecting his rights of free
and untrammeled expression.

But I have another duty--

a higher duty to perform.

And that is to protect you,

your children, the very
morality of our nation,

from the smut
and moral corruption...

spewed forth like garbage...

from the lecherous, vile,
lewd and licentious mind...

of this filthy,
little degenerate!

Look at his face.
It is the face of a smut monger.

Look at his body:
thin, wasted away...

by the dissipation
and debauchery...

of a life of unspeakable
orgies and depravity!

What's the matter,
Dirty Abner?

Trying to hide
from the truth?

That's not the truth!
That's-- [ Gavel Pounding ]

Quiet. The defendant
ls ably represented by counsel,

There will be ample time
for rebuttal.

I"m sorry. Ah, you see?
He says he's innocent.

And he does look innocent...

until you look into his eyes.

They're the eyes
of a man obsessed by sex;

eyes that mock
our sacred institutions,

“bedroom eyes,” they called them
in a bygone day.

They're the eyes of a man
whose lust knows no bouncds,

who lives but
for corrupting others...

to a life of carnal pleasures
and lewd designs.

A man whose erotic desires
and libertine practices...

are used to titillate
the unsuspecting,

who regards women
as his playthings...

and would stoop to any depths
to satisfy his pornographic tastes.

The Marquis de Sade would have
regarded Abner Peacock...

as a peer in his search
for lechery.

We can have a clean America,

but only when we remove...

this sex-ridden
smut peddier...

from the society
he is bent upon destroying.

[ Spectators Murmuring ]

Will there be an opening
statement from the defense?

Yes, Your Honor.

I got this for the Nicest Boy
in Peacock City Contest.

Your Honor,
ladies and gentlemen,

I have sat here and heard my
client, Abner Peacock, called...

“a filthy, obscene degenerate;

“a sex-ridden, lascivious
defiler of virtue;

“whose lust knows no bounds,

“whose publications have plumbed
the depths of degradation;

and are a reflection
of his own sex-obsessed mind.”

We're not going to argue
about that.

We can see that Abner Peacock Is everything
the Attorney General has told you he is.

It is the unsavory creatures
like Abner Peacock...

who test the strength
of our Constitution,

which,
like our Rock of Gibraltar,

has withstood challenge
after challenge...

in protecting our freedom
of the press through the years.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
are we to stand idly by...

and allow the first crack
to be made in this rock...

because of this dirty
little pornographer?

[ Spectators Murmuring ]

This is a dirty case...

and a dirty little man.

1t is with disgust
to the point of nausea...

that I find myself sitting next
to this filthy little degenerate!

But when [ see
this filthy degenerate's...

Constitutional rights
being threatened,

then I must take this filthy
little degenerate into my arms,

clasp him to my breast...

and fight for this filthy
[ittle degenerate's...

Constitutional rights
and liberty...

with my very life!

[ Cheering ]

Now, let me warn you
spectators.

One more demonstration
and you've had it.

Prosecution may proceed,
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury--

[ Spectators Murmuring ]

[ Exhales ] Understand? Get
everything you can on Peacock.

[Man] Lisa, Lisa? I wonder if
we could see you on television?

We'd like to talk to you. Perhaps the most
popular, and certainly most glamorous...

of the big magazine editors,
Lisa LaMonica of Finesse.

Thank you, Ira. Lisa, I want to
ask you, if Peacock is acquitted,

what do you think will be the
most significant result of the trial?

Financial. It will make
Peacock a millionaire.

[Ira] I mean the
legal significance.

Everybody will be anxiously awaiting
the verdict, which will be a landmark.

They're just waiting for the
next Peacock. They'll sell millions.

Millions. It's all legal. You've
got the Peacock locked up!

The jackpot! Yes, but
you can't waste a minute.

You have got to be on the street
with ten million copies!

Ten million? That'd take half
a million dollars front money!

- Getit.
- A half-million dollars? With my credit?

- Get it.
- Where?

You know where.

Gorightin, please.

This is an emergency. I've gotta
see Ice Pick Charlie right away.

You mean
Mr. ]. Charles Twilight.

That's right. I've gotta
see... Mr. Twilight instantly.

Mr. Twilight
cannot be disturbed.

This is his hour
with Miss Love.

“Under a spreading chestnut
tree, the village smitty stands.

“The smit-- [ Enunciating
Clearly ] Smith.

Smith. Smithhh.

“The Smithhh,
amighty man s he,

[ Slurring Words ] With
large and sinewy hands.”

- Sin-ew-y.
- [ Exaggerating ] Sin-ew-y.

A gentleman doesn't slur his
middle vowels, does he, Charles?

N-N-No, Miss Love.

Now, this, uh, English composition
that you did for your homework.

“My Most Memorable Vacation.”

[Sighs]
Your grammar!

“Until that time,
me and Nutsy Herman”--

Nutsy Herman and ll.

N-Nutsy Herman and I.

“Until that time, Nutsy Herman and I got
the contract to go to upstate New York...

“to knock off
Big-nose Schlossburg,

I wasn't never
out of Brooklyn before.”

Oh, really, Charles.
I'm shocked.

And, uh, what was
our new word for today?

- Uh, prerogative.
- Use it in a sentence, please.

If Sally wishes to go
to the dance with Robert,

it's her prerogative.
Good!

And what was yesterday's
new word?

Fastidious. Oh, I love that
word. [Intercom Buzzes I

Hello. Yeah,
send him in.

Fastidious. I used that
word 36 times yesterday.

[ Cheerily] Mr. Twilight.
I'm Osborn Tremain.

Who the hell cares?
Oh. Uh, Mr. Tremain,

may I present Miss Love?

Miss Love,
this is Mr. Tremain.

Pleased to meet you,
Mr. Tremain.

- My pleasure, Miss Love.
- And what may I do for you, Mr. Tremain?

Uh, Mr. Twilight, I don't know
if you remember me,

but about five years ago, you
invested a few thousand dollars in a--

a home movie I was making.

Oh, yes, uh, I remember.
How is your wife?

Oh, she's fine.
She still talks about you.

Uh, Mr. Twilight, time is short.

Have you ever thought of going
into the publishing business?

Publi-- Publishing.

I've got the hottest magazine
the world has ever seen!

There's milfions in it! All I need
is a mere half-million dollars...

to get the first edition out.

Publishing.
Now, that's class.

Well, sir, you wouldn't exactly
be the publisher.

Uh, Miss Love, would you please
excuse us for a little while?

Yes, I really must
be running along.

So nice to have met you,
Mr. Tremain. My pleasure, Miss Love.

Until tomorrow, Charles.
Tomorrow, Miss Love.

Tell it to me again, how for a half a million
dollars I'm not gonna be the publisher.

You're the publisher.
You're the publisher.

I'll just
put out the magazine.

You're gonna put out
my magazine?

A slimy, two-bit bum
like you...

put out a]. Charles Twilight
publication?

I want class.
I want the best.

Now, let's go and get it!

[Judge] Has the jury
reached 3 verdict?

We have, Your Honor. We find the
defendant, Abner Peacock, not guilty.

Congratulations! I've
never seen anything like it!

[ Women Clamoring ]

Craig, that's our story.

After 200 years of sexual frustration when
the Puritans stepped off the Mayflower,

this country is exploding
in a sex revolution,

and Abner Peacock ls the flag
bearer. That little pipsqueak?

Itisnt what he is, it's what
the public thinks heis:

the great emancipator who's
gonna dance naked in the moonlight.

I saw the look on those women!
Forget it. We're going with this.

Oh, Craig, Ice Pick Charlie.
You can go with that anytime.

Now's the moment--
I said forget it.

Lisa, when you have your own
magazine, you can do it your way.

This is my magazine.
we'll do it my way.

Craig, the public wants sex,
sex and more sex!

[Door Opens ]
Miss LaMonica?

]. Charles Twilight
at your service.

]. Charles Twilight.
That's very elegant.

Somehow I prefer your
maiden name, Ice Pick Charlie.

Freeze.

I like what I see.

Guts.

Miss LaMonica, I'm taking
over publication of a magazine.

You're gonna put it out
for me.

[ Laughs] Work for you,
Charlie? You're wasting your time.

Hey.

Miss LaMonica, perhaps you've
heard of me. Osborn Tremain.

And I just had
the office cleaned.

The magazine Mr. Twilight
was referring to is the Peacock.

The Peacock? In your
own words, Miss LaMonica,

the next issue
will sell millions.

You want me to put out a
dirty, pornographic magazine?

That's right.
But it's gotta have class.

Class.

[Osborn]
And sex.

Complete control.
My baby?

Your baby. Wait a
minute! I was the one--

Shut up! Your baby.

But it's gotta have class.

And sex!
Oh, it'll have sex.

But written by the
most famous authors.

And we'll give them naked women,
but the most famous bodies in the world,

photographed by the
greatest photographers!

Boys, this isn't going to be
something that people just buy and hide.

This is gonna be a status
symbol for swingers.

It's a deal at three
times the salary.

What about Abner Peacock?
Forget about him. He's out.

Are you crazy? Without Abner
Peacock we've got nothing!

He's the gimmick;
he's the image!

He's the greatest built-in
sex promotion since Valentino!

That schnook?
Whatever he is,

right now, he's the answer to
frustrated America's most wicked dreams.

Sure, the first issue will
sell miflions... out of curiosity.

But what's gonna sell
the magazine after that?

Abner Peacock... on the
front pages... on television--

mobbed, idolized, Mr. Sex,
the new love god.

Get Peacock. Actually,
our relationship--

Get him!
Get him.

I want that picture of Ice Pick Charlie
shaking hands with the governor.

[Door Opens ] I said
I was not to be dist--

Mr. Frazier? ]. Charles
Twilight, at your service.

Just dropped in to see what
a publisher's office looks like.

If I'm intruding, throw me
out. It's your prerogative.

Oh, no. No, be free
to look around.

Thank you.

This is it.

This shows good breeding.

Used to play this when
I was a kid. Checkers.

This is beautiful,
just beautiful.

This is class.

Very fastidious.
Oh, thank you.

Hey, leather patches.

It's just an old rag
from college.

May 1?
Oh, of course.

Hey, Pete.

By the way, Miss LaMonica's
going to work for me.

She's gonna put out a magazine
I just took over.

I"m afraid that's impossible, you
see, I have a five-year contract with her.

[ Laughs]
[ Chuckles Awkwardly ]

Got a sense of humor.
You're all right. The family?

Yes, yes.
That's my wife, Pamela,

and my son, Craig, Jr., and
my older daughter, Penny,

and this is Cynthia,
the baby.

This, you gotta be born with.

This, money can't buy.

Congratulations on your excellent
taste, Mr. Frazier. Well, thank you!

Thank me?
Thank you!

Have one of our trucks
pick this all up right away.

You're all right.

How's it feel? How do you
feel, now the case is over?

This case sss7'f over, and it won't
be over until the truth about me is told.

Chief I We won!
We won!

Rose Ellen!

Uh, would you excuse me?

Rose Ellen, you shouldn't be
seen with me till I clear my name.

No, Abner, my place
is by your side.

All right, I"m gonna
do it right now.

Ah, folks! Uh, it's time
that the true facts come out.

Now-- Oh, uh--
Mr. Hughes!

I suppose that I ought
to thank you, but--

You can thank me
by seeing to it...

that I never have
to set eyes on you again.

You're free aren't you? So run along
and publish your filthy little magazine.

I'm not gonna publish
any filthy magazine.

You're not? No. I want to go
back and publish my bird magazine.

Abner.

[ Reporters ] What's going
on? How about a statement?

This is horrible.
This is just horrible.

But I gave Mr. Shrader
and Mr. Rich all the facts.

Yes, I know!
They told me.

Some cockamamie story
about you chasing a bird...

all through some
South American jungle.

Fven ifit were true, even if believed
it, 1'd be laughed out of court.

You'd have wound up in jail.
Abner, you can't do this to us!

You can't do this to the cause
of Constitutional liberty!

But all I want is to go back
and publish my bird magazine!

Ha-ha! Bird magazine!

Abner, don't you realize...

that people all over the world
have fought for you?

They've had their heads broken,
been thrown into jail...

for your right to publish
a filthy magazine?

I"m sorry, but I just can't
publish a dirty magazine.

You've got to prove to the world
just how free our press is!

B-But I wouldn't know the first
thing about publishing filth.

You're young!
You can learn.

Abner is a clean,
decent human being.

Just when our country needs
adirty little degenerate,

we're stuck with a clean,
decent human being!

[ Reporters Murmuring ]

[Man]
It's Attorney General Snow!

Your good name! What about
the good name of your country...

with the world
watching ajury...

reaffirm your Constitutional
right to publish filth?

So what happens?

You come out with some namby-pamby
magazine about the birds and flowers!

Just birds. The flowers is a
field. We never went into it.

Abner Peacock,

if you love your country, you'll
publish a filthy magazine.

[ Exhales ]

Abner! I heard all
about it. Uncle Amos!

Don't worry, I"m not gonna
publish any dirty magazine.

Don't you ever think
of anybody but yourself?

Your associate has been
kind enough to explain...

that there are millions
to be made;

that an important financier ls backing
the magazine with hundreds of thousands!

Lisa LaMonica herself has quit
Finesse to edit the new Peacock.

Lisa LaMonica!
Abner.

Even if you don't want
to go along with it,

have the decency to see her
tomorrow and tell her to her face.

I guess it would be
the decent thing to do.

Abner, if you think so, then it
must be the decent thing to do.

All right. I'll tell her.

But Rose Ellen, tomorrow night,
after it's all over,

I want you to be sitting
on the swing of your veranda,

because I'm gonna come
callin' on you...

to ask you something
very important.

I'll be waiting, Abner.

[ Women Exclaiming ]

There he is!
[ Women Screaming ]

Good morning, boss.
Oh, uh, I"m not--

Good morning,
Mr. Peacock. Oh, uh--

Good morning, Mr. Peacock.
Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Peacock.
Morning.

Good morning, Mr. Peacock.

[ Clears Throat ]

Excuse me,
Id like to see--

Miss Pickering!
Hi, kid.

[ Laughs] Gee, Miss
Pickering, you look so... uh--

Mr. Peacock?
Oh, Miss LaMonica?

Mr. Peacock. Oh, just think of the
excitement, the challenge the two of us face!

Uh, well, actually,
Miss LaMonica,

see, I'm here to explain.

Lisa, darling!
Frica!

Abner, you recognize
Erica Lane, of course?

Erica Lane. I saw
your last picture six times.

And you must be that wonderful
Mr. Peacock who's making this all possible.

You better get ready, Frica. We've flown
Valdez in from Paris to do your photography.

Oh, I'm--
I"m so excited!

That was Erica Lane. On the cover
of our first issue. Nude, of course.

Nude! Nude?

Of course. Now let's
get down to business.

Miss LaMonical Uh--

This is awfully hard to say,

but before you go ahead
and spend any more money,

I"m just afraid
this is impossible.

[ Chuckles ]
Impossible.

Nothing is impossible. Together
we can meet the challenge.

[ Chuckles Awkwardly ] Well, I
didn't mean it exactly that way.

I mean, you see, I just can't
allow the name of Peacock...

to be associated with a
magazine like, uh-- Like what?

Well, like, uh--
[ Chuckles Awkwardly ]

Miss Erica Lane on the cover
without a stitch of clothes on.

Mr. Peacock, can you think of a stitch
that Miss Lane could possibly wear...

that would be more beautiful
than what it's covering?

Than what
it's covering?

[ Chuckles ]
Well, uh... no.

Abner, sit down.

I think we should have
a talk. Man-to-man.

Mr. Peacock, as a modern,
sophisticated editor,

you must know from your own
experience that sex--

uninhibited, frank and open
is one of nature's greatest joys.

[Coughs ]
Well, uh--

Actually, I haven't
had a lot of, uh...

[ Clears Throat ]
What I mean is--

Now, Mr. Peacock, this is no
time to be coy. A man like you!

[ Exhales ]
Well--

That's why the Peacock Magazine
is going to be clean.

You and I are gonna take sex and
put it where it belongs-- out in the open.

Yes, the Peacock Magazine
is gonna be a sex magazine--

but clean sex,

purified by frankness
and open discussion.

Abner, American men and women
are begging...

to break the chains
of their Puritanical heritage,

to free them
of their sexual frustrations.

[ Chair Swivels Down]
They're crying to us, Abner.

Let us take up
the gauntlet.

Together, let us create
a great new magazine.

Well, uh, you see, I don't know how
I could be of much help in that field.

Birds are my line. I really
don't know-- You don't know?

Abner, you're the whole
ball of wax!

The public will only accept that the Peacock
is the world's number one swinging magazine...

if they believe that the man behind
it is the world's number one swinger.

You, Abner Peacock. [ Chuckles
Sheepishly ] Me... a swinger.

Miss LaMonica,
I-l never swung, uh--

You see, those things they said
about me at the trial-- That's not me.

I"m just an editor of a bird
magazine. I'm just plain--

I know all about you-- what every
woman in that courtroom knows,

every woman who saw you
on television!

Let's not play games!

What are you talking about? You
know very well what I'm talking about.

The fact that you possess
a fantastic sexual magnetism!

A sexual attraction that has
stirred women like nothing before;

a sexual excitement
that even [--

Evenl--
[ Clears Throat ]

Uh, Miss LaMonica-- Are
you happy, Abner Peacock?

You made me say it.

You have the satisfaction of
watching hard-boiled Lisa LaMonica...

panting like some
hot-breathed teenager.

Is your vanity appeased? Or are you
cruel enough to make me say it again?

Uh, uh, you don't
have to say it again.

Uh, what you said there was,
uh--That, uh--

[ Clears Throat ] Actually, see,
I never considered myself, uh...

[Inhales]
unattractive.

I always thought I had a certain
amount of... uh--

But... not like that.

Yes. Like that.

Abner Peacock, are you or are
you not gonna lead America...

out of the darkness
of its Victorian sex life?

Yes or no?
Well... l-

Don't answer that right now. Let me
show you the people who have faith in you!

- Charles.
- My dear.

Abner, I'd like you to meet
Mr. Twilight, your copublisher.

Your silent copublisher.

My pleasure. How do
you do, Mr. Twilight.

Gee, Miss LaMonica was telling me
about all the money you've invested.

Nothing. Nothing.
It's my prerogative.

Oh! My, what a beautiful
office you have. Thank you.

Oh, is this your family?

That's my wife, Pamela; myson,
Craig, Jr., my daughter, Pammy;

and that's
the little baby, Cynthia.

Well, you certainly
have a wonderful family.

Thank you.

Get out of my way! Don't
worry. Don't worry! [Crying]

What is this nonsense about Evelyn
not being on the cover of our first issue?

Osborn, we'll
discuss that later.

There's nothing to discuss!

Get into your garter belt, Mother.
You're gonna be on that cover.

That'll be the day!
Not on the cover of my magazine.

Oh, so it's your magazine!

Now, now. If there's
a difference of opinion,

I'm sure Mr. Tremain and I
can settle it like gentlemen.

Nice to have met you,
Mr. Peacock. Areal pleasure.

See you later,
Charles. Ta-ta, Lisa.

What did you think
of him? He's just folks!

[ Banging Against Door ]

Come on! I wanna
show you something.

Good morning, Miss
Love. Good morning.

Good morning,
Miss Love. Richard.

An old retired schoolteacher for whom
Mr. Twilight has created a new and useful life.

What a wonderful
human being.

Now, on to your penthouse.

We haven't had much time.
We're still putting it all together.

Uh-huh.

We're gonna keep
your pussycats in there.

My, uh, p-p-pussycats?

1t's all very obvious,
of course.

But then when you're trying to
personify blatant sex, it usually is.

Oh, how true.

- Abner?
- Uh, oh, oh.

Good morning, Mr. Peacock.
It's your household staff.

Uh, uh, my staff?

They were just tidying up your
bedroom. That's enough for now, girls.

[ Chuckles ]
Your bed.

Itis amusing,
st it?

[ Laughs Weakly]

Uh, Miss LaMonica, I'm sure
that you know what you're doing,

but I, uh--

These are your world-famous
Peacock Pussycats.

My, uh, pussycats?

Yes, they'll be with you
wherever you go, 24 hours a day.

Sherry, Delilah,
Toma and Ingrid.

[ Clears Throat ]
Hi.

Girls, you and Mr. Peacock
have a rather heavy schedule,

so I suggest you go to
your rooms and start dressing.

Yes, Miss LaMonica.

Their rooms?
Yes.

Th-they live
right here with me?

- Yes!
-[Chuckles]

- I mean, aren't people gonna
think, uh-- - Frankly, yes, they will.

[ Embarrassed Laugh ]
Miss LaMonica,

this-- this
whole business of--

- is pretty silly about me,
uh, being a-- - A sex symbol?

I mean, I'm just
an ordinary guy who has a--

well, certain amount
of a-- but--

I still consider myself a
decent, uh-- Miss LaMonica.

Uh, M-M-M-Miss LaMonica.

Uh.

Promise me you'll
never let me do that again!

Well, - I-l pro--
Promise me that!

If I even touch you, you'll hit
me, slap me, anything to stop me!

- I prom-- - In the name of
heaven, don't let me destroy the--

the independence that I've
worked so hard to achieve...

just because for the first time
I've met the only man who--

Promise me! Promise me! I prom--

[ Phone Ringing ]

Rose Ellen, it's Abner.

[t-- It's just like Uncle Amos
said Rose Ellen.

I really can't go through life
thinking only of myself.

And after everything these people have
invested, I really have to go along with them.

B-B-But it's
clearly understood...

it's only until the first issue of
the magazine hits the stands.

- Then I"m through!
- Abner, if you think it's the right thing,

then you must do it.

And Rose Ellen--

[ Clears Throat ] Would you
excuse me for a minute, girls.

Rose Ellen,
promise me one thing:

The day the first issue of
the magazine hits the stands,

that very night you'll be sitting
on the swing of the old veranda...

"cause someone's gonna
come callin' on you;

someone who wants to ask you
something very important.

I'll be waiting, Abner.

[ Clears Throat ] Miss
LaMonica-- Perfection.

There isn't a reporter in New
York that hasn't been alerted.

But I feel so silly. I"m
just not-- Oh, yes you are.

You're fantastic.
You're simply-- Watch it.

Remember the--
the promise.

Thank you!

Good luck.

[ Laughs] Can you believe
that? I hope you didn't overdo it.

The country may not be ready
for Abner Peacock.

I'll make it ready!

[ Clamoring ]

[ Clamoring, Screaming ]

[ Crowd Clamoring ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Fireworks Exploding ]

[ Charlie] Everybody,
let's hear it for Abner!

[ Cheering ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

Forty million copies! Can
you imagine that, Rose Ellen?

[ Chuckles ] Uh, I guess
you've been seeing a lot of me...

on television
and in the newspapers?

Oh, yes, Abner! You seem to be
everywhere do-doing everything!

Oh, no! It's just that I"m
worried. You look so thin.

Well, it's not easy,
Rose Ellen.

But as I said,
an obligation's an obligation.

Poor Abner.

But thank heavens the first
issue is out and it's all over!

[ Clears Throat ]
Well, uh,

th-that's what
I called about, Rose Ellen.

You see, Miss LaMonica
and Mr. Twilight--

By the way,
he's a wonderful guy!

Uh, anyway, they came up
with this fantastic idea.

They want to open a nightclub called
the “Peacock Club.” Isn't that mad?

- [ Hesitant Laugh]
- But, Rose Ellen,

the day after
that club opens--

I'll be waiting, Abner.

[ Chattering ]

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Those stupid women!
Eating him up with their eyes.

Making fools
of themselves!

What's it to you?

Me? I just can't stand
bad taste, that's all.

[ Woman Laughing ]

That does it! She's fired!
She was whispering in his ear!

She was nuzzling his ear! They
were never to touch him. She's fired!

On with the show!

[Women]
o Mr. Peacock

o Our good man ;>

o Mr. Peacock

o Turns uson,®

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

o No one else
could be so groovy ;>

o Your're our shining knight ,»
o Mr. Peacock

» You're so outta sight 2
o Mr. Peacock

o Love was such a bore 2

o, Till you unlocked the door

& Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock

& You're the stuff
our dreams are made of

- & Gary, Rock and Rex
- & Mr. Peacock

- o Have now become Brand X
- o Mr. Peacock

< Sinatra's turnin' green since
you have made the scene

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

. How'd we ever do without you ,*

- g You're so super hip
- & Mr. Peacock

J You make others trip
& Mr. Peacock

. When you do your thing ./
o Mr. Peacock

. You're what"s happening ./
o Mr. Peacock

& Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock

o No one else
could be so groovy ;>

o You're my shining knight
o Mr. Peacock

» You're so outta sight 2
o Mr. Peacock

- J Love was such a bore
- & Mr. Peacock

o, Till you unlocked the door
o Mr. Peacock

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

o Mr. Peacock, Mr. Peacock >

S [ Jingle Bells”]

Rose Ellen, in God's name,
come in the house!

Abner asked me
to wait for him, Father.

Charlie, you sneak up and
try that again and so help me--

Lisa, you don't understand!
I'm not makin' any cheap passes.

I'm on the level with ya.
This legitimate!

I want you
to be my mistress.

The last thing
I need right now is a man.

Sooner or later,
you'll need one,

but I'll be waitin'--
patient, but anticipatory.

Anticipatory.
Is that a new word?

Miss Love gave it
to me yesterday.

Good luck with it.
Thank you.

Where have you been?
Where I am every day:

hiring new pussycats to replace
the ones you keep firing.

First there was Sherry because
you thought she was nuzzling his ear.

Then Toma because you didn't like the look
in her eye. And now Ingrid. All she did--

I know what she did! She was
pawing him! It's cheap! Offensive.

She was just
removing lint from his lapel.

Don't tell me what she did!
That settles it!

This business of all them
living with him-- That is out!

What are you, Lisa? His
den mother? I tell you it's out!

Starting tonight! Who knows what
they've been doing up there every night.

I know! He's been teaching them bird
calls. That's all that's been going on.

Are you sure, Joe?
Are you really sure?

Oh, no!
I don't believe it!

You know, with all those
women up there all night.

Oh, don't tell me!
You're jealous!

Jealous?

I'm so jealous, if any woman
even looks at him my teeth hurt.

But he's just a--
I know what he is!

He's a little nobody! The kind my
grandmother always warned me against.

When you're busy fighting
off those big sexy brutes,

it's always the little nobodies
who nail ya every time.

He's not for you, Lisa.
Of course he isn't!

He's just a little, insignificant,
small-town square.

The kind my mother
was lucky enough to marry.

[ Slams Drawer ] I could
spend my life in this rat race...

and never run into
another one like him.

And why not?

I'll tell you why not.

I"m an all-the-way
kind of woman.

It's either aman
or a career.

The winner.

Good evening,
Mr. Peacock.

Mrs. Dominick.

[ Exhales Heavily ]
Come bello!

[ Clears Throat ]

- Workin' late, huh?
- What are you doing here?

Oh, since the girls
moved out--

got kinda lonely.

You know how it is when you're used to
having a lot of girls around and suddenly--

You know something? Uh,
we've never had dinner together.

- Forget it! I'm busy.
- Yeah, well, sure.

[ Door Closes ]

Why not?

Abner?

Did you call me?

Now, how, Miss LaMonica.

I made a promise to you,
and when I make a promise--

Try and stop me.

Oh, Abner,
I want you so much.

I want you every minute
of the day--

morning, noon and night.

Does that mean the dinner
date is on? [ Chuckles ]

Dinner, lunch,
breakfast, everything.

Uh, uh, I'll, uh--
I'll go get on my coat then.

Mm-hmm.

Hurry, darling.
I've waited so long!

Charlie!
Him and not me?

Charlie, let me explain!
Shut up!

Okay, you're a normal broad. If there's
anybody you want, it's gonna be me!

Not me or him! Because if
there's gonna be a me or a him--

One word to the boys--
There will be no more Aim!

[ Laughs]

How wrong
can you be, Charlie?

I gotta keep conning him.

We gotta keep him believing no woman can
resist him. We got a gold mine, Charlie.

As long as we keep him thinking
that he's the hottest thing going.

Well, it sure sounded like--
Where's your sense of humor?

Me go for a little nobody
like him when I could have you?

Come on, now, Charlie.

- It is funny.
- Yeah!

One of these days, I'll just blow the
whole thing and laugh right in his face.

Listen, you better
leave before--

Abner. You don't have to worry
about laughing at me anymore.

You're never gonna
see me again anyway

Abner, let me explain!

Come here, chump.
You're going no place!

You hear me? Your're stayin'
here as long as we need ya.

Ya hear me? Mr. Twilight, I
don't have anything against you,

but I"m gonna count to three, and if
you don't take your hand off my coat--

I'll count for you!
One, two, three.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Let's get outta here.
No, we got him into this.

He hit me. Charlie,
he didn't mean it!

He hit me!
Abner, tell him!

- I gave him fair warning.
- Big Joe! Petey!

You better get out of here!
Don't worry. So long, Mr. Twilight!

Rest in peace.

Good evening, Mr. Peacock.
Good evening, Mr. Peacock.

Charlie, you can't!
Shut up!

What's up, boss?
Get Peacock!

Mr. Peacock? He
hit him. He hit me.

Ice Pick Charlie!

You mean, Mr. Twilight
is-- That's right!

- The man! And he's gonna have you killed!
- Killed!

[Choir]
. Comes love's old song ;>

o Comes love's ,»

. Old sweet song ;>

o Once in the dear, dead days
beyond recall ,»

o When on the world

o The mist began to fall ,»

o Out of the dreams

o That rose in happy throng ;>

o LO, to our hearts g

" Love sang
arn old, sweet song >

JSAnd in the dusk

o Where fell
the firelight's gleam

. Softly it wove itself

' Into our dream ,;

Oh, Abner,
I knew you'd come back.

I had to. I just had to see you
once more to say good-bye.

Good-bye? No, Rose
Ellen, I don't have much time,

and I wanted you
to know...

that as far as
I'm concerned,

you're-- you're just about
the most wonderful...

girl I--

Yes?
Rose Ellen?

[Door Opens ]
Abner!

Oh, Reverend Wilkerson! Rose
Ellen and I were just, uh--[ Chuckles ]

Uh, listen. I know what you and
everybody here must think about me and,

you know,
all those women.

We found it
very amusing.

Amusing? Yes, Abner, all
of us who really know you...

know that no matter how
many girls you had around,

nothing possibly
could have happened.

[Applause ] [ Chuckles ]
Gee, I'm glad to hear that.

Oh, excuse me.

Gee, and I
was so worried.

[Gasps ] Rose Ellen,
look! I really am on the run.

I want you to know
if you never see me again--

Run? Abner, you don't
have to run anymore.

You're home!

Home?

And now,
if any of you thought...

that this year's concert would be
without its most famous selection,

you didn't reckon with
Abner Peacock. [Gasps ]

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Uh, [Clears Throat ]
Thank you.

Uh, well,
all I can say is, uh,

I, uh--
It's good to be home!

I know one thing:
I'll never leave again.

[ Congregation Laughing ]

“Summer in the Meadow”
by Eloise Dudley Fetlock.

Jo [ Piano Introduction]

J Onawarm summer's day
as we wend our way J

< Through the fields
smelling sweetly of heather

o As we stroll along
let us hark to the song

o Ofour dear, little
friends of the feather ,;

. Greeting his guests
15 the robin redbreast ;>

[ Forced Air]

O From the foliage lush
comes the song of the thrush

[ Forced Air]

O The kingfisher's bark
[ Sniffle ]

J The gay meadowlark &
[Wheeze]

J A turtledove's croon
[ High Moan]

J The laugh of a loon
[ Weak Laugh]

[ Women ] o Is that
a snipe J [ Squeak]

[ Men] o NO, a friendly
bobwhite [ Forced Air]

O The herring gull's howl
Hoot of an owl [ Hoot, Ah]

& Mallard duck's cackle
Blue-bellied grackle [ Raspberry]

& A coot, hawk, a crow J
[ Raspberry]

O An auk, a finch, a swallow J°
[ Forced Air]

JAquail, tit willow &
[ Forced Air]

O A grouse, a rook, a turkey

& But look

& There overhead
majestic and regal

o The king of them all

J The American eagle J

S Ah

I'll write.
o, From sea to shining sea /'

Abner!

Stay out
of the line of fire!

No, Abner,
my place is by you.

Oh, Rose Ellen.
I"m sorry I had to do that.

Good-bye.
[ Panting ]

All right!
Get it over with!

Abner, I wish to apologize for
anything I may have said in anger.

What'd you say?

I"m just repeating what Miss
LaMonica sent me here to say.

You're not gonna-- Miss
LaMonica made it very clear that..

What the syndicate
has at stake with the magazine--

whatever I did to you, it would be nothin'
to what my associates would do to me.

[ Relieved Laugh]
Gee, Mr. Twilight!

Abner!

Oh, Rose Fllen!
Yes?

Rose Ellen,

I-- 1 gotta talk
to your father.

Excuse me!

[Sighs]

You and Rose Ellen
going to be married--

my fondest dream since
you two were in kindergarten.

I know what a decent,
wonderful boy you are.

[ Chuckles ]
Thank you.

I know that and all who know
you know that, but, Abner,

the world doesn't know that.

In the eyes of the world,
you are-- well, a rake,

whose amorous exploits
with countless women--

Common gossip. Yeah, I
know, Reverend Wilkerson.

The first thing in the morning, I'm
gonna call that press conference...

and explain the kind of man
I really am.

I'm gonna show 'em
my citations, my potholders--

Abner, there's just one thing that you
must make absolutely clear to them:

And that is,
that you are pure.

Pure? 1t's only
fair to my little girl..

That the world knows
that the man she is marrying...

is just as virtuous as she is.

Uh, you mean
that you want me to, uh,

[ Clears Throat ] uh, come right
out there in front of all those, uh,

newspaper men and
television cameras, and--

and tell them
thatl am a...

[ Whispers ]
virgin.

Yes, Abner!
[ Chuckles ]

Well, what I mean is--

Well, no man likes
to come right out and, uh--

[ Clears Throat ] Well,
look, wouldn't it look...

kinda silly for a man to call a big press
conference just to announce that he's a--

virgin.

Abner, you are.
Oh, yeah! Oh, sure!

1ts just that, uh--

Well, maybe I could get the idea across
without actually coming out and saying it.

No, Abner.
The truth must be known.

Oh, yeah,
but to come right out...

and--and to say it
like that, you see.

[ Muttering ]

[ Clears Throat ] Lots of times there
are women at those press conferences.

I know one woman
who will be there-- Rose Ellen.

Rose Ellen? And I'll be there with
her to announce your engagement.

Well, gee,
that's swell.

Say, I know! Maybe
we could putitinariddle,

No! like, uh, guess
what it is that's never--

The truth!
Straight out!

Straight out, yeah, uh-huh.

He couldn't do that!
He just couldn't do that!

He must be crazy! No
man would say that in public.

This wouldn't happen if
Osborn was running things.

Quiet! Are you sure?
I was just with him.

After he told me to call a big press
conference, he began hemming and hawing.

Finally, he wanted to know how he could
announce he had never had a woman--

without actually
using the word.

- Oh, no - Oh, let's
not kid ourselves, Lisa.

We'll be the laugh of the
century after the headlines:

“Abner Peacock: Leader of
the Sex Revolution Is a Virgin!”

Avirgin! That's the dirtiest
thing I ever heard in my life!

- We'll be laughed out of the business.
- If Abner kills the magazine,

you don't think Charlie
will let him live?

Everything you've built up! Everything
wiped out the minute he opens his mouth...

and announces
he's a virgin.

Unless--

Unless?

Unless when he wakes up
tomorrow morning,

he isn't.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the press,

contrary to the erroneous
impression the public has of me,

actually I'm a--

Actually, my physical state
could be described as that of a--

[Sighs Heavily]

Maybe if I kept it light,
offhand.

Hi, folks!
Want to hear something funny?

[ Laughs, Groans ]

Miss LaMonica!

Hi, Abner.
How 'bout a drink?

Uh, no, look, Miss LaMonica,
I've got to be up at 7:00.

Oh, come on.
Just one farewell drink.

Farewell drink?

Haven't you heard?
I"m leaving the magazine.

You're leav-- But, uh,

Miss LaMonica, you made
the Peacock what it is!

It's a great magazine!
It never needed me.

[ Chuckles ] All that
great lover baloney.

Listen, you just
have to stay.

Stay? And go through the sheer hell
of seeing you everyday, wanting you.

I know what I really am.
You made that pretty clear.

All lies, Abner.
All lies?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Abner! Here I am
alone with you in your bedroom. Will you--

Stop torturing me and have that drink,
so I can get out and not go out of my mind.

Sure, sure, sure! Well, uh,
here's to you, Miss LaMonica.

But, not good-bye,

just, uh, good night.

All lies!
[ Chuckles ]

[Crashes ]

Good night, Abner.
Okay, loe.

Get him undressed
and into bed, huh?

Wonder if there's
a good book around here?

Tsk. Gonna be
along night.

[ Exhales ]

[ Snoring]

[Alarm Clock Rings ]

[Groans ]

Oh, darling,
you're so wonderful.

Morning, sweetheart.

Abner?

Come here, lover.

Uh,
[ Clears Throat ]

Miss LaMonica, uh--

I don't know what to say!
Don't say anything.

What are words
after what's happened?

I don't remember.
You don't remember?

Oh, of course, I remember!
I mean, who could forget?

Oh, the sweet things
you said, Abner.

[ Cries]
I"m so glad it was you!

Now, Miss LaMonica,
it's over. Please don't cry.

Isn't that
what every girl does...

the first time?

The first time
for you too?

I mean--
Oh, my God!

What have I done to you?
You don't remember?

Oh, of course, I remember. It's just
that you should have stopped me!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

I never knew such heaven
could exist.

But-- But--
But the press conference.

Oh, they better not
find me here! No, uh-uh.

But, Reverend, I told you,
the press conference is off.

And I told you
I want to know why.

[Door Opens ]

Miss LaMonica!

You forgot your, uh, thing.
Abner!

She forgot her,
uh... thing.

Abner!
Come here.

Just one question:

Are you the same man this
morning that you were last night?

Come, Rose Ellen. No,
Father, I can't desert Abner.

I just know
nothing happened.

In the name of God,
Rose Ellen!

Didn't they teach you anything
in your hygiene class?

Abner! Don't touch me,
Rose Ellen! Don't dirty yourself.

Abner, I don't care
what things look like.

Deep down in my heart
I know you,

and I know nothing could
have happened here last night.

[ Laughs]

Rose Ellen.

Dear, sweet,
innocent, Rose Ellen.

Get it through your head:
it happened!

Rose Ellen, there's something
about me that you--

There's something about me
that you don't know.

What I mean is,
I'm cursed...

with, uh, an abnormal
sexual magnetism for women.

You?

It's a fact, Rose Ellen.
A biological fact.

And I gotta face that.

You know, Rose Ellen, maybe,
maybe what happened last night...

was a lucky thing
for both of us.

What kind of a marriage
would we have had?

How long could I have
kept fighting "em off?

Rose Ellen, go home.

Forget about me.

[ Exhales ] This is
the kind ofamanlam,

and this is the kind
of life must lead.

[ Sobbing ]

Good morning,
Mr. Peacock.

Good morning,
Mr. Peacock.

Good morning,
Mr. Peacock.

Hi. Abner, I've been thinking,
and I think both of us...

oughta wipe completely from our
minds what happened last night.

Now that it's over, I feel I
can stay with the magazine.

Well, uh, [ Clears Throat ] I
don't know if I want you to.

- What?
- Well, I'm one of those fellows...

who feels rather strongly
about his wife working.

Wifel
well, sure!

We're gonna be married this afternoon,
and I've made all the arrangements.

There's the address of the
chapel and all the details.

Wait a minute!
You wanna marry me?

Well, of course!
After last night?

What do you think I am? One
of those hit-and-run Romeos?

Abner, what happened last night
was mutual. You don't owe me a thing!

I don't?
After you gave me...

awoman's most
cherished possession?

I don't believe this!
Anyway, it's at 2:00.

Abner-- And tell Joe Merkel I
want him to be my best man.

I'm honored and thrilled, but why are we
rushing things? Why don't we think this over?

And after nine months have
everybody counting on their fingers?

That's not
for Mrs. Abner Peacock.

“His brow is wet with honest
sweat. He earns what e'er he can.

And looks the whole world
in the face--" [Door Opens ]

Thanks, Petey. I. Charles--
Morning, Miss Love.

I"m sorry to interrupt you,
but this will just take a minute.

It's at 2:00. Little wedding
chapel on Eighth Avenue.

There's free parking
in the garage across the street.

The organist will
validate your parking ticket.

Gettin' married, eh?
How about that?

Well, congratulations,
Mr. Peacock. Thank you, Miss Love.

It's the lovely little girl
in Jersey, eh?

No, I'm marrying
Miss LaMonica.

[ Miss Love]
Miss LaMonica! Oh my!

Oh my!
Isn't it exciting?

An office romance!

Miss Love, would you please
excuse us? Why, of course.

I want to personally
congratulate the bridegroom.

Well, I guess it won't be long before
there'll be a nestful of little Peacocks?

[ Laughing ]

Well, adieu, Charles.
Adieu, Miss Love.

[Loud Banging ]

And now I'll tell you
why you're not marrying Lisa:

because when the preacher says to you,
“Do you take this woman to be your wife?"--

If you say, “I do,” those will be
the last words you'll say in this life.

Get outta here!

Hello, darling.

Oh, Lisa, I wanna
talk to you.

You know, maybe we're
rushing this whole thing.

I haven't time. I have to get a
trousseau and maid of honor.

I want to talk to you.
No more talk.

The next thing I want
to hear from you is, “I do.”

' [ “Here Comes the Bride” ]

Right after you say, “Do you
take this woman to be your wife,”

drop to the floor.
Drop to the floor?

Don't ask questions, just drop
to the floor. Drop to the floor.

What is this? Charles, I forgot to
give you your new word for today.

New word?
It's incarceration.

- Miss Love.
- Edna P. Love, F.B.I.

You haven't got a
thing on me! Oh, no?

Here it is in your own handwriting.
“My Most Memorable Vacation.”

That clears up the
Big-nose Schlossburg killing.

“My Most Embarrassing
Moment.” That's the Fuzzy--

Finnegan.
The Fuzzy Finnegan murder.

But don't worry, Charles. I'll keep
sending you new words every day.

And just think, when
you get out in 20 years,

you'll know over
7,000 new words.

How about that?

Abner, I'm just
the maid of honor.

Maid of Honor?

Rose Ellen, let's never
mention last night again.

Never.

Dear friends, we are gathered
here today to unite this man,

Abner Audubon Peacock,

and this woman, Rose
Fllen Wilkerson, in marriage.

Do you take this woman
to be your wife?

[ Clears Throat ]
It's okay now.

It's all right.
You can get up.

You can get up!