All language subtitles for The Iron Maiden 1963 1080p BluRay H264 AAC-RARBG

(soft music)

(dramatic music)

(bright music)

(upbeat music)

- Isn't she beautiful?

- You think so?
- Oh yes, beautiful.

- Oh yes, indeed, very beautiful.

- Triumph, if I might say so, Sir Giles,

for Giles Thompson Airways.

- Well thanks, thanks very much.

Very soon, the whole world
will be singing the praises

of the T Stroke G T Stroke 3.

- Not with a name like that, they won't.

- I was the one you asked to name it, sir,

and I have tried many ways,
naming it after the pilot Harry,

our designer Jack, and
even after our Chairman,

you, Sir Giles.
- Yes?

- No go.

- Perhaps our designer
will have some suggestions

when he gets here.

- Yes, where is Jack?

Find out what's happened to him, Bill.

- Get me Jack Hopkins'
cottage on the phone, please.

(bright music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Hello, Mr. Hopkins there?

- Mr. Hopkins?

Who's that speaking, please?

- If it's for me, I've gone, right?

- Sir Giles who?

- Sir Giles Thompson.
- Oh, Sir Giles Thompson.

And you want to speak to Mr. Hopkins?

(whimsical music)

- Thought you were
never coming (laughing).

(steam hissing)

- He's left.

- How long ago?

- Well, The Iron Maiden's
just going down the road now.

Got a good head of steam, too.

That's my Fred what does the firing.

Oh, very good at getting
steam up is my Fred.

- I don't understand, would
you mind repeating that?

- I said my Fred's very
good at getting up steam.

- Yes, no doubt.

But what was that you said
about The Iron Maiden?

- The Iron Maiden, that's the name

.

- Well, I know that, but
what's he doing on it?

- Well, driving it, of
course, what do you think?

He's gone to the rally.

- Rally, what rally?

- The Westover and District
Traction Engine Rally.

- He's gone to a traction engine rally.

- Where is the rally?

- Westover, and he's
taken The Iron Maiden.

- He's not going all the way
to Westover on that thing.

- That's what this woman says.

Look, if I take the car and intercept him,

will you be ready for your
test by this afternoon, Harry?

- Yes, I don't mind.

- Are you still there?
- Of course I am.

That's the trouble, that's
what I'm telling you about.

- Don't worry, madam, I'm
sorry to have troubled you.

Good day.

- I must say, Sir Giles, I
don't know of any other company

that would put up with Jack's behaviour.

- Hasn't he got enough faith

in his own plane to fly in it?

- All right, all right.

Have my car sent 'round,
I'm going to fetch him.

- [Bill] would you send
Sir Giles' car around

to the front entrance
straightaway, please?

- Stand by for your test
flight this afternoon.

- I say, sir, why don't we
call it that the Silver Bird,

(snapping) the Flying Bird,
the Silver Flying Bird?

Ah, (snapping) the Swift.

- You'll get a swift
something else in a minute.

(fanfare music)
- Hello, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome on this sunny day

to the Westover and District
Traction Engine Rally.

As you might expect,

we open the show with a grand parade

so that every one of you
can get a good close up

of these champions of the steam age.

You will also be seeing them
in a steering competition.

(bright music)

- Dreadnought, ahoy.

Hello, Admiral.
- Oh, blast the boy.

Good afternoon, Hopkins.

Cutting it a bit fine, aren't you?

I thought you decided
to stay in home waters.

- Well, we didn't hurry, Admiral.

After all, there's not much
competition here this afternoon.

What do you say, Fred?

- Nothing at all, I'd say.

- Not much competition,
why ya young sprog.

Just you wait.

The Dreadnought will blast
you out of the water,

won't we, Vicar?

- All right, Admiral,
hoist your battle ensign.

- Vicar?
- Yes?

- Action stations!
- Yes, right.

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] I must say, the
two that really take the eye

are The Iron Maiden, a Fowler
showman's engine built in 1920

and its rival the 1914
Burrells engine Dreadnought,

as you might expect, in battleship grey.

The tug of war between, on
my left, The Iron Maiden,

on my right, Dreadnought.

The Iron Maiden--
- Come on, The Iron Maiden.

- Come on, The Iron Maiden.

- Come on, Dreadnought.

Come on, The Iron Maiden.

- Pray, blast ya, pray, Vicar.

Just don't stand there
with that blasted wheel

in your hand, pray like hell.

(crowd cheering)

- Go on, guv, give her the works.

- Come on, The Iron Maiden.
- Come on!

- Come on, pray, blast you, pray!

- Come on, old girl.

(crowd cheering)

Now that's my beauty, come on!

- If the Admiral's not
careful, he'll blow his fuse.

- Turn on the injector cock, Vicar,

or we'll both be blown to the devil.

- Speak for yourself.

- Oh, to hell with you.

- Come on, Fred, we've got 'em.

(triumphant music)
(crowd cheering)

- [Announcer] The Iron Maiden's won.

(horns blowing)

A terrific contest
between two great rivals.

- Bad luck, Admiral.

- Bad luck be damned.

You had a five knot following
wind in your favour.

- Yes, the downhill
gradient too, I suppose.

- Now that you come to mention it, yes.

- Oh, come off it, Admiral.

Why don't you just admit that
The Dreadnought's past it?

- Past it?

Past it, you've got a nerve.

Wait 'til we get to Woburn Abbey.

We'll beat the hell out of ya, eh Vicar?

- [Announcer] The Iron
Maiden, on the other hand,

handsome and debonair in her
maroon and shining brass.

- [Giles] Hopkins!

- Mr. Giles, what are you doing here?

- I might ask you the same question.

- Is something up?

- Something should have been up,

the TGT 3, the plane that you designed.

- But.
- But with all these

more important activities, I
suppose it slipped your mind

that the test should
have begun an hour ago.

- Oh, good lord, sir, was that today?

- Yes, today.

It is customary for the designer

to be aboard on these occasions.

- Yes, Sir Giles, I'm terribly sorry.

- Leave this thing where
it is and come with me.

(jets roaring)

- She flies, anyway.

Not bad, not bad at all for
a traction engine driver.

- Belt up and keep climbing.

(jets roaring)

- Beautiful.

Beautiful.

- Why not call it The Hummingbird?

- That doesn't hum, it stinks.

- Let me talk to Hopkins.

Hello, Jack.

- Hopkins here, sir.

- [Giles] Everything okay?

- Everything's fine.

- Well when you get your
height, see what she'll do.

- [Jack] Okay, sir.

Let her go.

(jets roaring)

- What speed did she do?
- Mac one five, sir.

She wasn't even trying.

- Mac 1.5, hey?

- That's right.

- Well, the timing is absolutely perfect.

I don't see how we can go wrong.

Mr. Fisher of the Trans-Global
arrives from New York

tomorrow and I've invited
him down here the next day.

Provided you can all spare enough time

from your private hobbies,

that hundred million dollar
contract as good as ours.

- From what I gather,

the new Polygon will take some beating.

- Hmm, I'm not so much
worried about the Polygon

as I am about the people who made it.

Lord Upshott is no fool.

He's got a highly trained sales staff,

they won't miss a trick.

And you can bet he won't
hesitate to dazzle the fishes

with the titles and stately homes

and all the other social trimmings.

- I thought Fisher was coming
over here to buy a plane.

- He is, but Mrs. Fisher isn't.

And there is a Miss Fisher, too.

- Well don't look at me, sir.

That's one from bachelor gay.

- Oh no you don't, I'm
not that kind of designer.

I don't go in for those tactics.

- Lord Upshott does.

He'll go to any lengths to
sell Fisher the Polygon.

I happen to know that
he's arranged for his son

to go and meet the Fishers

off the boat at Southampton tomorrow.

- Yeah, the best of luck.

- Has anyone seen the Polygon?

- Yes, I have.

It's got swept-back wings and bi-pass.

- And that disposes of the
test flight schedule, I think.

Now, Humphrey.

- Yes, Father?

- Nobody outside this room knows

that you're going to Southampton tomorrow

to meet the Fishers from the boat.

- Jolly good.

First class security.

- All you've got to do is to meet them,

take them up to London, and
leave them at the hotel.

- Yes, Father.

- And for heaven's sake,
don't try and talk business.

.

- You know absolutely nothing about it.

- No, father.

.

- What about miss Fisher?

- Both of them, naturally.

Remember, the quickest way
to any American millionaires'

chequebook is through his womenfolk.

.

- We're a jump ahead of
Sir Giles and his boys

at the moment and I intend
to keep it that way.

Now, the boat docks at 12 o'clock.

You be there.

.

(horn blaring)

(whistle blowing)

(door slamming)

("Yankee Doodle")

- Oh Paul, are we really in England?

- Hey you, get out of the ruddy way!

- Ah yes, Miriam, we're in England.

(both laughing)

- Excuse me, Mr. Fisher, Mr. Paul Fisher?

- That's me.

- Oh good, how do you do?

My name is Gore-Brown.

- Oh, you must be related
to the Gore Blimeys

we've heard so much about.

- No, I'm not, I'm Polygon Aircraft.

My father, Lord Upshott, asked me to--

- It's very nice to meet
you, Mr., that is Lord uh?

- Actually, no, my father's the Lord.

I'm just Honourable.

- Well that's good news for a start.

- Mrs. Fisher?

- No, actually mother's the missus.

I'm just Kathy.

- In that case, these are for you.

- Thank You, Mr. Honourable.

- Oh no no, please call me Humphrey.

- It's very nice of you
to come down to meet us.

Perhaps we'll see you in London.

- Well, I didn't realise you
had your own car with you.

You see, I brought the Rolls

to take you to London, as it were.

.

But, well just a plain old
Cadillac is good enough for us.

(laughing) Come on, Miriam.

- Well in that case,
perhaps you'll at least

allow me to lead the way for you.

- Oh please, no trouble,
we have a road map.

- There's no trouble at all,

I know the most lovely
route off the main roads.

Marvellous scenery.

I know you'll enjoy it, Mrs. Fisher.

- It sounds wonderful.

We'd like that, wouldn't we, Paul?

- I don't care how we get there

just so long as we do get to London.

- Jolly good, then, follow me.

(bright music)

- Thank you, sir.

- Paul, you were so nasty
to that darling young man.

- Come on, Miriam, grow up.

All that soft soaping hogwash?

- Mother, they don't tell me
the Honourable Humphrey Gore

what's this is a typical Englishman.

- Oh, aristocrats are
never typical, honey.

But all Englishmen have such
wonderful manners, don't they?

Oh, they're so calm and so
courteous and so reserved.

- And they're trying to
sell me an aeroplane.

- Paul, how can you think business?

(upbeat music)

- It's in the bag, old boy.

(horn honking)

- I wish the Honourable Humphrey

would remember I have a left hand drive.

(suspenseful music)

- Kathy, honey, be careful.

- Why can't the English
drive on the right side

like everybody else?

(bright music)

Here we go again.

- Paul, honey, why don't you relax?

You're in England.

- Yes, dear.

- Don't you sometimes feel as if you'd

just like to get away from it all?

- Yes, dear.

- Oh, there's one of those stately homes.

I bet it belongs to one of the upstarts.

- Upshotts.

- Why, hello.

Are you expected?

- Well, that's funny.

We're supposed to be following
a Rolls Royce to London.

- One passed me a little way back.

Same model, could it have been that one?

- Oh, more than likely,
knowing the driver.

- Well, if you want London, it's that way.

You turn right when you
get outside the gate

and then you turn left at the crossroads

and right at the main
road, you can't miss it.

It's been there long time.

- Thank you very much.

- All right.

(bright music)

- That fool Humphrey.

- Well, at least we're
seeing some of the country.

- By all accounts, it wouldn't
take long to see all of it.

(horn whistling)

(Fred singing)

- Do you have a railroad
marked on your map?

- Nothing marked, why?

- That's funny, thought
I heard a train whistle.

- Well, come on Kathy,
step on it, will you?

We've gonna make London before dark.

(upbeat music)

(tyres squealing)

(car crashing)

(steam hissing)

- And what exactly do
you think you're doing?

- What do I think I'm doing?

You've got a nerve.

- I suppose you drive down

the middle of the road in America, too.

- No, in America we have roads

wide enough for two cars to pass.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Well in that case, I
suggest you go back there

and take this heap of
Detroit tin with you.

- Now look, young fella.
- You keep out of it.

- Don't talk to my father like that.

Speaking of scrap iron,
what is that thing?

- That thing, for your
information, happens to be in 1921.

(Jack laughing)

- What a horrible young man.

He can't possibly be English.

- All right, Fred, back her up.

(door slamming)

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

(hood crashing)

- It's all right, Fred, no damage.

Nothing to worry about.

- Nothing to worry
about, what about my car?

- You don't seem to understand.

Cadillacs are two a penny,

but an engine like this
is absolutely unique

and quite irreplaceable.

- Yes, well I suggest that
you replace your brakes.

(soft music)

- I'm most awfully sorry, we
seem to have lost each other.

Good lord, have you had an accident?

- No, driving into traction
engines is a hobby of mine.

- Really, I didn't know.

Oh, you're pulling my leg, aren't you?

- You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm glad to see you.

- Thank you, sir.

Well your car obviously isn't drivable.

If you'd all care to get into the Rolls,

I'll deal with these roadmenders.

Now look here, my man, it's
quite obviously all your fault.

- Hey, just a minute, what the
hell are you talking about?

- Now don't you take that
attitude with me, my good fellow.

I've got your number, you know.

Now here is my name and telephone number,

I want you to tow this car to the garage

and have them telephone me this evening.

Tell them to fix it as soon as possible.

And that's for your trouble.

- Who the bloody hell does he think he is?

- What's the matter, Fred?

- Tow it to a garage, he says.

Tell 'em to fix it, he says.

And this ten bob for
your trouble, he says.

- Whose car is it?

- I don't know.

Friend of this bloke's, I suppose.

- I suppose we'd better earn our ten bob.

Only, instead of towing it to a garage,

we'll take it back to the
airfield and fix it ourselves.

And you can phone whoever it is

and maybe he'll give us another ten bob.

(tools clanging)

- Morning, Trotter.

- Good morning, sir.
- Have you seen

Mr. Hopkins anywhere?

- Yes sir, he's down there, sir.

- Jack?

- Morning, Sir Giles.

- Good heavens, Jack.

- What's the matter, sir?

Do you realise that Fisher's
due here in ten minutes' time?

- Fisher, who's Fisher?

- Fisher of Trans-Global.

- Well don't worry about that, sir.

I've got my conference suit on under this.

- Well, you'd better hurry and clean up.

It is just possible that a
man who is about to spend

a hundred million dollars
buying new aeroplanes

might want to have a word with
the man who designed them.

- Yes, well he won't want to see me

until after he's been up
in the plane, will he?

By which time I sincerely
hope that you and Harry

and the sales boys will have
flogged it to him anyway.

- I think it'll take a
bit longer than that,

Fisher's a tough nut.

What's all this in aid of?

- Oh, some damn fool American girl

ran slap into The Iron Maiden.

- Is she all right?

- Scraped a bit of paint off the boiler,

otherwise she's fine.

- I meant the girl.

- Oh, the girl.

Yes, I suppose so.

Well you know what these
American girls are like,

tough as old boots and look it.

(soft music)

- Mr. Fisher

- Sir Giles Thompson.
- That's right.

- How do you do, sir?

My daughter, Kathy.

- Sir Giles.

- Well, I'm glad to see
you're using a British car.

- Well, it's not by choice, I'll tell you.

- Huh?

- I brought one of my Cadillacs over here

and we weren't here an hour when bang,

you'll never guess what happened.

- Not a, not an accident?

- Have you ever driven head on
into a giant traction engine?

- Traction engine?

- Yeah, some idiot with no brakes.

Why, if it hadn't been for
Kathy here keeping her head,

he would have flattened the bunch of us.

- Good heavens, well I hope,
I mean did you get his name?

- No, we got his number,
we didn't get his name.

- Thank God, I mean well
thank God you weren't killed.

- Well, thank you.

Of course, with us it
couldn't be just an accident,

had to be a traction engine.

(Sir Giles laughing)

However, we didn't come here to talk

about traction engines, did we?

- I hope not, indeed.

- Well, where is this wonderful plane?

- Just over there waiting for you.

(bright music)

- Well, I'll leave you to it, Dad.

- All right, sweetheart.

- I'll just have a look around,

if that's all right with you, Sir Giles.

- Well, there's nothing
much to see, I'm afraid.

- Don't worry, I'll find something.

(jets roaring)

(soft music)

- [Jack] There we are,
fit for the road again.

More than can be said for
the driver (laughing).

Drop down the shifting
spanner, will you, Fred?

(whimsical music)

(wrench crashing)
Ow!

(head slamming)

Fred?

- You said to drop it.

- Very funny.

So, you're a sadist, too, are you?

- What are you doing here?

.

- Well I hope you're a better mechanic

than you are an engine driver.

- And I hope you realise
that you're trespassing

on a top secret airfield.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

(jets roaring)
That happens to be

the latest supersonic jet liner.

- Well I sincerely hope that
you had nothing to do with it.

- Oh, do you?

- Yes, because if you had,

my father wouldn't go
within 10 feet of it.

- And what has your
father got to do with it?

- Well, he happens to be
in it at this very moment

trying to decide whether
it's worth buying or not.

- Oh, is he Paul Fisher
of Trans-Global Airline?

- Yes, he is, and he would be much obliged

if you would bring what's left of our car

'round to the main building.

- Paul Fisher.

(jets roaring)

- You were right, Sir Giles,

this is a very impressive plane.

- I'm glad to hear you say so.

- I'm looking forward
to meeting her designer.

As I've always said,

a good plane reflects the
personality of her designer.

If he's good, the plane is good.

When I spend a hundred million dollars,

I look for two things, a good
plane and a good designer.

I can tell you right now, Sir Giles,

that within two minutes
of meeting your man

I'll know what my decision will be.

(jets slowing)

(upbeat music)

- Well Dad, how was it?

- Well, I won't say
anything definitely yet,

sweetheart, until I tried the Polygon

but strictly off the record, Sir Giles,

it'll have to be pretty
good to beat that one.

- When do you try the Polygon?

- Tomorrow afternoon.
- Uh huh.

- Now where is this designer of yours?

- Well, he's,

I'm afraid he's had a
rather unfortunate accident.

- Oh, then I won't get to see him today.

- I hope not.

I mean, I mean I hope he'll
be better by tomorrow.

- Well, in that case, you better get him

over to my hotel before lunch tomorrow.

- Yes.
- If he's the man

I think he is, that
flight with the Polygon

will be a mere formality.

Hey, that's my car.

- Stand by for surprise number two.

- You, what are you doing here?

- I work here.

- He's a.

- He's a mechanic, believe it or not.

- Yes, that's what he is, he's a mechanic.

- He's a maniac, you mean.

Sir Giles, is this man employed by you?

- On a temporary basis.

We don't know how long
he's going to stay with us.

All right, Hopkins, that'll be all.

- Yes, sir.

- As you probably guessed it,

that is the man who attacked
my car with a traction engine.

- Yes, I did, I heard about it.

I'll deal with him, and
naturally, the cost of repairs.

- That's not important.

It's just that I hate to feel

that you have incompetent
men on your staff.

- I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Fisher.

- Good day, Sir Giles.
- I'm terribly sorry.

I do apologise.

(soft music)

- Hey, you missed one.

(Jake laughing)
(whimsical music)

- You've landed us in a
nice mess, haven't you?

You and your ruddy iron woman thing.

- What have I done?
- Done, what have you done?

Come up to my office and I'll tell you.

Well, you got us into this mess

and you've got to get us out.

- But it's not my fault if that crazy girl

goes around the place

driving into other
people's traction engines.

- Jack, what you don't seem to remember

is that the customer is always right.

- That's just a lot of sales talk

and I'm not a salesman, I'm a designer.

- Exactly, and that's
the little item of news

you're going to break to Mr.
Fisher at his hotel tomorrow.

- Me, why me?

- Because at the moment he
thinks you're stark staring mad

and I'm not sure I don't agree with him.

It's up to you to prove that you're not.

- 1 won't go, I'm damned if I will.

- We'll all be damned if you don't.

We can just kiss that contract goodbye.

- I'm sorry sir, but I'm
not going and that is final.

(bright music)

(door slamming)

Thank you.

- Seven, please.

- Seven.

(whimsical music)

(doorbell buzzing)

- Hello, Kathy, hope I'm not too early.

- Not at all.

- I brought you, um, this
little bit of nonsense.

(soft music)

- Oh, well thank you
Humphrey, they're beautiful.

Oh, won't you come in?

- Yes, thank you.

- What do you want?

- I came to see your father.

I have an appointment.

- Since when?
- Since yesterday.

- Well, that's the first I've heard of it.

- Quite likely.

- Well, you'd better come in.

I'll find out if he wants to see you.

- Thank you.

Oh, by the way, I've been
told to apologise to you

about your car driving
into my traction engine.

- Oh, have you?

Well, I must say that's quite an apology.

- You don't have to accept it, of course.

- Well, since you've gone
to the trouble of buying me

such a beautiful box of
chocolates, I accept.

- This isn't for you,
it's for your father.

- The Henley Regatta.

Oh Humphrey, we'd love to.

- Of course, the Duke of
Bedford will be there,

who's an old friend of ours.

- The Duke of Bedford?
- Yes, I'm sure

he'd be delighted to
have you in his party.

- Oh Kathy, isn't that exciting?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
know you were here.

- Mother, this is Mr.
- Hopkins.

- Oh Mr. Hopkins, how do you do?

- How do you do?

- Haven't we met before?

- Yes mother, you probably
don't recognise him

without his traction engine.

- Oh.

- Morning, Gore-Brown.
- Morning, sir.

- I won't keep you long,

I'm expecting the chief
designer from Giles- Thompson.

He's late already.

- No, I'm not sir.

- You.
- I'm afraid so.

- Don't be silly, he can't be.

- I know, Miriam, now just keep calm.

Gore-Brown, I suggest you
take the ladies downstairs

and buy them a drink.

- Yes.
- Now, I'll be right with you

both just a few minutes,

won't take me long to
deal with this gentleman.

- But I don't want a drink.
- You'll love it, Miriam.

Thank you very much.

Now, young fella, you got
some explaining to do.

- This is for you, sir,
with Sir Giles' compliments.

- Well, thank you.

- Now sir, if you'd like to
go through these with me,

I'll be happy to answer any questions

that you'd like to ask.

- Well, I'm going to a matinee

as soon as we visit your
factory or whatever it is.

Oh, I'm looking forward to it.

And Kathy's gonna visit some friends,

where is it, Kathy?
- Tring.

- Is that very far, Humphrey?

- No, not at all far.

If I weren't taking your mother and father

to see the Polygon, I'd offer
to drive you there myself.

- Well, thank you, Humphrey, I have a car.

- Oh.

- Tell me, Humphrey, do
you know this man Hopkins,

the man upstairs with my husband?

- No, well I know of him, of course,

he's one of the finest
designers in the country.

Oh, there you are, sir.

Hopkins.

- I'm glad you're here.

We're keeping Lord
Upshott waiting, you know.

- I'm sorry we are late, Miriam,

but Mr. Hopkins and I got
carried away on the plane.

(both laughing)

Oh Kathy, a phone call came
through for you upstairs.

The car hire people, they
had a car on the way to you

but it broke down and
they haven't got a spare.

- Oh, good heavens. what
am I supposed to do now?

- Well, where was it you were going?

- Tring, I'm lunching
with the Goldenbergers.

- Tring, that's on your
way, isn't Mr. Hopkins?

- Yes, it is.
- Well good,

you can drop off Kathy.

- Well, Paul.
- Oh no, I don't think.

- Well, that's settled then.

Gore-Brown, we're all yours.

Be seeing you.

And may I say, the Polygon
will have to be quite a plane.

- Itis, I can assure you of
that, it's definitely a plane.

- Goodbye, Kathy.

Give my love to the Goldenbergers, honey.

- Bye, Kathy.

- Shall we go?

Who or what are the
Goldenbergers, a baseball team?

- They're old friends of the family.

He happens to be one of the
secretaries in the Embassy,

if you must know.

- Oh.

Look, I'm quite willing
to take you, of course,

but I have to make a call on the way.

It'll only take a second,

but if you'd rather.
- That would be fine,

thank you.

(bright music)

(energetic music)

- Since you Americans are
so interested in titles,

perhaps you'd like to
meet the Duchess of Avon.

- Where's the Duchess of Avon?

- You'll soon see.

There she is, isn't she something?

- Hello, Jack me old darling.

- Hell, Charlie.

- How's The Iron Maiden?
- Oh fine, thank you Charlie.

Fine.

Look, brought the programme
for the Woburn Rally.

- Oh thanks, I'll get them printed up.

- What's up with the old Duchess, then?

- She's not been at all
well lately, poor old dear.

If I don't get right
by the end of the week,

.

They've got her working
the Big Wheel this time.

But I don't think her big
ends will last much longer.

She's getting past it.

- Past it, Charlie?

The Duchess, no never.

I'll take a look at it.

Oh, and this is Miss Fisher.

- How do you do, miss?

- How do you do?

- She's from America.

- Mr. Hopkins, you do remember
I have an appointment?

- Yes, this won't be a minute.

Let's try taking them up a bit.

- No, I've tried that.

- Well, we'll give it another go.

(soft music)

(whimsical music)
(piston chugging)

- Stop her, Charlie.

- No, no she's in one of her moods.

(thunder booming)

(rain splattering)
- Oh no!

Mr. Hopkins, if you don't
get me off this thing, I'll.

- Let's have another go.

- Mr. Hopkins, get me off of this thing.

Mr. Hopkins.
- Did you hear something,

Charlie?
- Wait a minute.

- [Kathy] Get me down.

You'd better get me down.
- Blimey.

There's somebody up there.

- Up where?
- On the wheel.

- Please get me down.

- Stupid idiot.

What'd you want to get up there for?

- Blimey, this'll mean war.

- Get her going again, Charlie.

(bright music)

(thunder booming)

(whimsical music)

- Jack, get me out of here.

- Charlie, turn it off.

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie, get me down.

- How did you get up there?

No good, she's packed
up altogether this time.

- Women.

- Ooh, that's enough.

- Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, miss.

- I don't really believe
that this thing works.

- Give it time, miss, give it time.

I can assure you it's a surefire cure.

- Well, thank you very much.

- If you should need me,
the bell's right there.

- Yes, thank you.

- You're sure you'll be all right?

- Quite sure.

(soft music)

(dramatic music)

- What have you done with my car?

- Shall I eject this gentleman, miss?

- No, that's all right, I know him.

- Very good, miss.

- I repeat, what have
you done with my car?

- Nothing.

- What do you mean nothing?

- Left it.

- Where?

- I don't know, where it ran out of gas.

- You mean you just left it in the road?

- Yes, where did you expect
me to leave it, up a tree?

- Of all the selfish,
insufferable spoiled brats.

- I could say the same for you.

You set eyes on your steam
rollers or traction engines

or whatever you call it and you go crazy.

I could have been killed
on that Ferris wheel.

- Nobody asked you to sit on it.

Besides, I could have been killed myself

climbing up to rescue you.

- Well it's a pity you weren't.

- You make a nuisance of
yourself wherever you go.

- Oh, well, I like that.

You don't seem to realise
that I had to walk

nearly two miles after your
stupid car ran out of gas

before I could hire a car.

- I couldn't care less about that.

Where's my car?

- I don't know where it is.

It's in Long Melford or Long something.

- Thank you very much.

(door slamming)

- 11 o'clock, fine.

Fine.

Right.

Goodbye, Mr. Fisher.

Tell Mr. Hopkins to come in
to see me at once, will you?

Well, it looks good, Harry.

Fisher had his trip in
the Polygon yesterday.

He didn't say very much,
he's a cagey customer,

but I have a I have a feeling
that he wasn't impressed.

(door knocking)

- Ah, well done, Jack.

(Jack sneezing)

I didn't know that you're a diplomat.

- What do you mean diplomat?

- Well, the way you handled the Fishers.

- I get my hands on
that daughter of theirs,

you'll see how I handle the Fishers.

- That was a masterstroke of yours,

sending the old man those cigars.

- Cigars?

- And perfume for the ladies.

They're tickled to bits.

- What is all this?

- That plus my invitation to Ascot

will just about sew the whole thing up.

- Ascot?

- Well, Upshott's not the only one

who can pull the social strings.

We're picking up the Fishers
at 11 o'clock tomorrow.

- We?
- Yes, we.

Morning coat, grey topper, the lot.

- Over my dead body.

(upbeat music)

- How very clever of you

to know my favourite perfume, Mr. Hopkins.

Thank you so much.

- Not at all.

- Mine, too.

(Jack sneezing)

- What's all this about
perfume and cigars?

- Well I thought it was
something you would like

to have done if you
weren't the person you are.

- You mean you had a guilty conscience

about leaving my car stranded?

- No, not at all.

- Will the Queen be there?

- Yes, she'll be there.

She'll be driving in
State down the Golden Mile

in about an hour's time.

- Will we see her?
- Certainly,

from the comfort of our
own box, Mrs. Fisher.

(Miriam giggling)

- Oh, I can hardly wait, Paul.

- Looks like you're
going to have to, dear.

- What's the hold up, Jack?

- I say, I do believe it's
the Princess Caroline.

- Oh no.

- Do you know her?

- Oh, you bet he does.

He's probably had to
strip her down before now.

- [Man] What's up, now?

Broken down again?

- I'll go see if I can give them a hand.

(horn honking)

- Oh, hello Mr. Hopkins.

- Hello, Mr. Ludge, what's the trouble?

- Thumped if I can get her into gear.

- I expect the pinions
seized down the spline.

(horns honking)
- Oh no.

- Uh oh.
- What's the matter, Kathy?

- I'll be right back.

(soft music)

Jack Hopkins, you come down from there.

- It's all right, we'll
have it going in no time.

It's the spline, all right, Mr. Ludge.

- Thump me, Mr. Hopkins.

I'm always having trouble
with that thumping thing.

(horns honking)

- Sir Giles, I think you're needed.

- An accident?

- Mm, you could call it that.

- Was she nice?

- Can I be of help?
- By staying out of it.

(whimsical music)

- Come down off that thing at
once, you blithering idiot.

- Oh, thump me.

Mr. Hopkins, there's a thumping toff

down here chucking his
thumping weight about.

- I'm sorry, sir, it took a
bit longer than we thought.

- Hurry up and get back in the car.

- Mind out, sir.

We'll just back her out of the way.

(engine clattering)

- All right, driver, carry on.

- Look at my coat.

Oh, I'm most terribly sorry.

- No, don't, you'll make it worse.

- Well it's you, Sir Giles,
there's tar all over your feet.

And you too, Kathy.

- Tar?

- Driver, pull over to
the side of the road.

- I'll be right with you.

- [Kathy] Oh no, Mother look here.

- [Paul] That's just rare.

What a mess.

What next?

- Hello, Thompson,
having a bit of trouble?

- Yes, we are.

- Mr. And Mrs. Fisher.
- Lord Upshott.

- Can we be of any assistance to you?

- If you're going to Ascot, yes.

- Yes, of course, jump in.
- Thank you.

- Hello, Humphrey.
- Mr. Fisher,

I'm really most frightfully
sorry about this.

- I am too, Sir Giles, very sorry.

Excuse us.

(horn honking)

- Well sir, that takes care of that.

- It certainly does.

I'll see you back in the office, Hopkins.

(door slamming)

- What's all that about?

- Cor, what a thumping lark.

- You know something, Mr. Ludge?

I think you're thumping well right.

- I don't care if you are the finest

designer in the country, you've
lost us the Fisher contract.

And if you don't give
up this puerile pursuit

of traction engines, you
can look for another job.

- Is that all?
- Yes.

- Thank you very much.

- Where are you going?

- Home to my traction engine.

- Then you're fired.

- No I'm not, I resign.

- I accept your resignation.

- Very kind of you.

- You're welcome.

- Goodbye.
- Good riddance.

- Why not call it The Golden Eagle?

- Why don't you go and lay an egg?

(bright music)

- Cor, I wish the Admiral
could see her now, sir.

He'd strike his colours
without firing a shot.

- Yes, but he's got one
big advantage, remember.

He's only going to take the Dreadnought

a short distance to Woburn Abbey.

We've got to drive The Iron
Maiden miles across England.

- Got one disadvantage
too, sir, the Vicar.

- Come on, hop up.

I'm gonna take her out on the road.

(upbeat music)

(door slamming)

- Morning.

- Say, you're quite cheerful

for a man who's just
been fired from his job.

- I wasn't fired, I resigned.
(phone ringing)

- [Fred] I'll take it.

- I give up.

I don't understand you.

- There any reason why you should?

- No.

But somehow, I feel
responsible for your position.

- Well, you're not.

- I mean my father.

Look, if I were to ask daddy

to say a few words to Sir Giles,

he'd take you back in a minute.

- No, please please don't bother.

I'm quite convinced that
every airline in the country

will be clamouring for my services

the moment they know that I'm free.

- You are without a
doubt the most conceited,

insufferable, pigheaded,
adolescent idiot I have ever met.

- Mm hm.

Well, you're perfectly entitled

to your own opinion, of course.

(engine chugging)

Fred!

Fred, come on, Fred!

What the devil's he up to?

- You can't leave that thing there.

- Why not?

- Because you're blocking the roadway.

- Yeah, so ll am.

- Will you please get
that thing out of my way?

- Yes, I know dear.
(horn honking)

- Come on, Fred, what's the matter?

- It's the missus.

But I told you, dear.

Yes, the rally's always been on.

I told you about it ages ago, dear.

She don't want me to go.
- Why not?

- But I can't let Mr.
Hopkins down now, dear.

- If you don't move it, I will.

(door slamming)

- Well can't we talk about it tonight?

I'm keeping Mr. Hopkins waiting.

(steam hissing)

(engine puttering)

- What?

- Goodbye, Nellie dear.

(bright music)

- Jump, Kathy, jump!

Jump, Kathy.

- I can't jump.

(bell dinging)

(bike crunching)
(bell scraping)

(whistle blowing)

(gate crashing)

- Jump!

(barn crashing)

(chickens squawking)

(hand slapping)

You stupid little idiot.

You might have wrecked The Iron Maiden.

- Iron Maiden, what about me?

- You might have blown it up.

- Oh, I wish I had.

- You what?

- I said I wish I had,

and that goes for you and I wish,

I just hope I never set eyes

on you or your traction engine ever again.

- That suits me fine!

- I know you'll love the Henley Regatta.

- Oh, I know I will Humphrey.

- Did you ever row, Mr. Fisher?

- Only in the park.

(both laughing)

- Thanks.

Of course, the Duke of
Bedford might easy ask us

down to his place for the weekend

if we play our cards right.

- Do you mean spend the
weekend at Woburn Abbey?

- Would you like that, Mrs. Fisher?

- I'd love it.

Wouldn't you, Paul?

- Oh, I can hardly wait.

- Kathy!

My goodness, excuse me.

Honeybun, what's the matter?

- I say.
- Think nothing of it.

- Well, as I was saying,
it's more a question of.

- Yes, of course, Henley
is the event of summer.

It would be a crime to miss it.

Everybody will be there and perhaps

we shall get our pictures
in the glossy magazine.

Right?
- More or less, yes.

- Well you can rest assured
Mrs. Fisher will be there.

- Paul?
- What is it?

- That man struck Kathy.

- Which man?
- That terrible Mr. Hopkins.

- Jack Hopkins struck a woman?

- Yes, he did.

- Where did he strike her?
- On the bot.

We won't go into it now.

- Pardon me.

I'm going to have a
talk with our daughter.

- Humphrey, I'm terribly
sorry, but you'd better leave.

- Yes, yes, of course, I understand.

Rather blotted his copy-book,
eh, our Mr. Hopkins?

- Well, I'm certainly glad
he doesn't work for you.

- Soamll.

(soft music)

- Well, what do you think?

- Looks all right.

Do you think the roof will hold out?

- Yeah, should do.

It's the safety valve I'm
worried about, keeps jamming.

- Oh, don't you worry.

Just keep your eye on the pressure gauge,

if it gets a bit naughty,

I'll give the valve a
clout with me hammer.

(steam hissing)

- Better give it one right now.

(hammer banging)

(steam hissing)

May as well stay up there,
it's time we were moving off.

(bright music)

(engine puttering)

- Stop off at my place and
I'll nip in and get the grub.

- I don't think you'll be
very popular with your missus.

- Oh, I haven't been popular
with her for 10 years.

She'll never believe me when I tell her

I spent the night with The Iron Maiden.

- Hurry up, Fred.

- Hello, Dad.
- Hello, son.

- Mom's after you.

- Yeah, I know.

(steam hissing)

(horn honking)

(door slamming)

- Mr. Hopkins, I want
to have a word with you.

- We have nothing whatever to discuss.

- Oh, yes we have.

- I have resigned from the
Giles-Thompson Aircraft Company.

- This is not business, it's personal.

- Well it'll have to wait.

I have a very important
engagement and I'm late already.

(horn whistling)

- Well, that's just too bad.

You're not going anyplace
until I get an explanation

about your behaviour toward my daughter.

- Your daughter is your
responsibility, not mine.

And you can think yourself very lucky

I'm not suing you for damages.

- Suing me?

You're lucky I'm not suing
you for attacking my daughter.

- If you had given that spoiled brat

a good hiding years ago,

you'd have saved me the trouble.

- I don't want to hear any
more of your rotten excuses.

- But Nellie.
- I'm fed up with you

and your traction engine.

- Nell.
- Take these and get out.

- For heavens' sake,
Nellie, give it a rest.

(horn whistling)
- well, I must hop it.

Come on, give us a kiss.
- I'll give you kiss.

Go on, get out before I belt you one.

(upbeat music)

(Fred crashing)

(Fred groaning)
(dramatic music)

- Oh, my leg, crikey.

- What is it, Fred?
- Oh, Fred.

- It's me leg.
- What's happened?

- Oh, my poor darling.

Here, come on, bring him inside.

- Put your arm around my neck.

- This way, sir.

Here, put him down over here.

- That's the end of the
rally for you, Fred, my lad.

- Oh, I'm sorry, guv.

- Don't worry, I'll get there.

- What, on your own?

What about that safety valve?

- Well, if she blows up,
I'll send you a postcard.

Sorry to leave you like this, Fred,

but if I don't get going
I'll never get there.

- Good luck, sir.

Oh, and sink the Admiral for me.

- Even if I have to ram him.

Look after him, Mrs. Fred.

- Oh, don't worry sir,

I'll go and fetch the
doctor in a few minutes.

Well, I must say it's nice
to have you home for a bit.

- Eh?

(birds chirping)

- Do you mind moving your car?

- I'll move when I'm good and ready.

We haven't had our talk yet.

- No time.
(steam hissing)

- Oh, not again.

(suspenseful music)

(bike crashing)

- No, not again.

(bike crunching)

(bright music)

(engine revving)

(door slamming)

Excuse me, sir, but are you
the owner of this vehicle?

- Yes, I am.

But officer, I'm an American citizen.

- I can't help that, sir.

I can't show no favouritism to foreigners.

I've gotta put in my report,

and this is getting to
be a bit out of habit.

- Well now, wait a minute, officer.

.

- Well, sir.

I dunno.
- Oh, come on Albert,

be a sport.

Now look, I'm in a tearing hurry,

I'll sort out everything with you

when I get back in a few days' time, okay?

- I don't know, sir, it's
getting to be a bit of a habit.

- You're a good lad, Albert.

- Now wait a minute, you.

How about my car here, it's in a ditch?

- Albert will take care of that.

- So how about me, I
gotta get back to London?

- Well jump up, I'll give
you a lift to the station.

- Oh, you don't expect me to
ride in that thing, do you?

- Take it or leave it.

It's either that or walk.

- Hold it, I'll be right with you.

(bright music)

- Oh, I dunno.

- Here.

- What am I supposed to do with that?

- Hit that.

- Why?

- 'Cause if you don't,
we'll very likely blow up.

(hammer banging)
(steam hissing)

- Hey, that's dangerous,

can't you make this thing work properly?

- It worked perfectly before your daughter

took it for a little joyride.

(upbeat music)

- Piece of pie?
- Thanks.

That's hot.

If my wife saw me eating
this, she'd have a stroke.

There's something in this game, after all.

- Pressure's dropping.

- Let me do that.

- You don't know how.

- Now listen, I was stoking boilers

when you were running
around in short pants.

- This is different.

- Same principle.

That fire needs levelin'.

- What station do you want?

- Station?

- You said you wanted
to be dropped somewhere.

- No, I'm stickin'.

Full head of steam.

- Need to take on water soon.

That long climb used up plenty.

- There's a stream up ahead there.

(engine puttering)

- Put this in the water, would you please?

- Right.

Okay, switch on your pump.

- There's no pump, it works by vacuum.

Wouldn't surprise me if thanks
to your dear little girl,

it won't lift the water.

- Oh, that kid again, I
could spank her myself.

- Honestly, Kathy, every
time I think of what

that crazy man did to you,
I just cannot stop shaking.

Whoo.

Now, it wouldn't surprise me at all

if he weren't a sex maniac.

He is just the type.

- Oh come on, Mother, what do
you know about sex maniacs?

- Stop that.

You know, your father
should be home by now.

I told him to talk to Mr.
Hopkins, not to live with him.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh yes, Daddy, she's here, just a minute.

- Thank you, honey.

That you, Paul?

What'd you say to him?

Can't find him?

Well, what do you mean you can't find him?

Where are you?

- I'm at the Magpies Hotel in Manbury.

But I won't be able to get back today.

I've got to see Sir Giles about something.

What?

No, it's just something's
cropped up about the plane.

He wants to show me something.

Yes, sure, I'll tell him all
about Jack, uh Mr. Hopkins.

You bet I will, I'll see that
he gets what's coming to him.

- Well, what time can we
expect you back tonight?

You're not coming home tonight?

Now listen, Paul Fisher, you
have to come home tonight.

We're going to the
Henley Regatta tomorrow.

- If I can get back tonight, I will.

But if I don't, you go to
the regatta without me.

I'll either get there
or send you a message.

- Don't give me any of
that message business,

you get yourself right
straight back here tonight.

He's impossible.

- I'm sorry dear, I've got to go now.

Goodbye.

Well, that takes care of that.

We're away.

- Now just a minute, I don't
want to be responsible for--

- The pressure.

(hammer smashing)
(steam hissing)

(Paul laughing)

There, you see, how would
you manage without me?

- Beginning to wonder.

- It's settled, then?

- Okay.
- Well come on,

let's hit the road.

(bright music)

(engine puttering)

(doorbell buzzing)

- Oh, that'll be Humphrey.

Now Kathy, there's a nice young man.

- At least he's not a sex maniac.

- Don't forget he'll be a lord one day.

- Well, I suppose you
can't have everything.

- Hello, it's me.
- Do come in, Humphrey,

we're all ready.
- Oh, jolly good.

My father's waiting downstairs.

Hello, Kathy.

- Hello, Humphrey.

- Where's Mr. Fisher?

- Oh, he's joining us at Henley.

He had to drive out of town to attend

to some unfinished business.

- Well, won't he be with us?

My father will be very disappointed.

- Oh, he'll be there.
- He better be.

(upbeat music)

J Doodah J

J La la la la sing this song J

J All the doo dah day J

(both singing)

(soft music)

- What was that?

That's old Pongo Carruthers.

He got a Cambridge Blue about 19 four,

very lucky, bad stroke.

- Oh, poor thing, I didn't
think he looked well.

Oh, well thank you.

Oh, I hope Paul isn't
too late for luncheon.

He has an ulcer, you know.

I have to watch his diet so carefully.

(bright music)

(Paul laughing)

(crowd cheering)

- Come on, Yale.
- Come on!

Come on, Yale.

Boy, come on.

Good, good!

(Miriam cheering)

Isn't that exciting?

We won.
- Now, you'd like

some champagne.
- Oh, we'll celebrate.

That was a wonderful race.

(whimsical music)

- After you.
- Oh, get in.

- Hello, lan, dear boy.

- Hello, George.

- Fine finish, though, wasn't it?

- Absolutely splendid.

- Hello, sir.
- Hello, Humphrey.

- Oh, lan, I want you to meet some

American friends of mine from Pittsburgh.

Mrs. Paul Fisher and her daughter Kathy.

His Grace, the Duke of Bedford,

The Vicar of Clopton.
- How do you do?

- [Lord Upshott] And Sir Digby Trevelyan.

- How do you do?

- The Duke of Bedford, I
am so happy to meet you.

- How do you do, Mrs. Fisher?

- This is my daughter, Kathy.

- Well hello, Kathy, how are you?

.

- Oh, we've heard so much
about you from Humphrey.

And of course, I can't wait to
get a good look at your seat.

- You mean Woburn Abbey?

- Of course.

- Well, Humphrey, you must
bring your charming friends

down for tea tomorrow.

- Woburn, did you say?

- Oh, how very kind of you, Duke.

Would it be all right
if I brought my husband?

He'll be joining us any minute now.

- Be delighted.

Look forward to seeing you.

- What a charming gentleman.

Paul will be so thrilled,
stately homes are one thing

he just gets all steamed up about.

- Dad.

(steam hissing)

- My daughter.

- Who else?

(whimsical music)

- Good evening, Admiral.

What's this for?

- You'll see.

- Well I don't.

- Jack Hopkins always takes

this shortcut down here, doesn't he?

- Yes.

- My property, isn't it?
- Yes, but.

- Then he'd be trespassing, wouldn't he?

- Oh, not exactly trespassing, surely.

I mean, not a friend.

- Friend?

He's no friend of mine, he's an enemy.

- Oh come now, Admiral.

- Well he will be until
this rally is over,

and now until then I'm not having him

taking shortcuts through my
property and that's final.

- It's certainly not very charitable.

- Charitable?

Oh, you silly faint-hearted nit.

- I say.

- Give me a hand.

- I tell what, sir.
- Oh, shut up!

- What are you trying to do?

What are you going over there for?

- I'll show ya.

Mind your new suit.

(water splashing)
- Oh.

- That's the sailcloth, pull it over.

- [Vicar] I ought to
be wearing my overalls.

- Pull it taut, taut, taut.

Right, give me the shovel.

Shovel, shovel, shovel.
- Over there?

- Throw it!

- You awkward Vicar.

- Sorry.

- Well, there she is, Vicar.

Everything shipshape and Bristol-fashion.

- All we can do now is watch and pray.

- And eat.

Nothing like going into
battle on a full stomach, eh?

I've had my steward open up
a bottle of vintage port,

Coburn 1912.
- Don't forget,

I've got two services tomorrow.

- Oh, don't worry about that.

We'll cast off immediately after Matins

and be back in harbour in
good time for Evensong.

- In that case.

- And God help The Iron Maiden.

- I sincerely hope he helps us, too.

(bright music)

- All right, this will do us fine.

I damp the old girl down if
you'll get out the tarpaulin.

- Sure, where is it?

- Oh, it's under the resort
sack of coal on the back.

(soft music)

(bells tolling)

- How about a nightcap?

Scotch.

- No thanks, my ulcer.

I thought you'd forgotten about that.

- Well, maybe if I drowned it a bit.

- The only water here is in
the boiler and that's hot.

- Well you can only die once.

(upbeat music)

Hey, that's smooth, very smooth.

Here, here, here.

Don't forget the driver.

(Paul laughing)

Have a cigar?

- Oh thanks, I'll stick to my pipe.

(Paul laughing)

What's so funny?

- I was just thinking,
I really enjoyed today.

- Good, so did I.

- You know, my wife wants Kathy

to marry that idiot, Gore-Brown.

- Well, I'm sure he'll make
her a wonderful husband.

- Well at least he won't
beat the pants off her

every time she steals his traction engine.

- Yes well, when I spanked her,

it wasn't just because of
The Iron Maiden, you know.

She could have killed herself.

- I believe that, Jack.

You're right.

- I'm glad you understand.

- Goodnight, Jack.

- Night, Paul.

(soft music)

(horn whistling)

(dog barking)

Morning.

- Morning.

(rooster crowing)

(cow mooing)

(steam hissing)

- Come on, sir, breakfast.

- Breakfast?

I couldn't eat breakfast to save my life.

- Don't mind if I do, I hope.

- Please, go ahead.

(whimsical music)

Thank you.

- Wouldn't like a third
helping, would you?

- Hm, no but I'd like some more tea.

- Let's have it on board, shall we?

Must get going, we're late.

You pack up all this gear, I'll stoke up.

- Right.

(bright music)

- Everything stowed?

- All aboard.

(dramatic music)

- I certainly cannot understand

what happened to your father.

Bun?
- No thank you.

- He hasn't even telephoned.

- For heaven's sakes, Mother,

he's been away from home before.

- I called Sir Giles,
he hasn't even seen him.

He didn't have an appointment
with him in the first place.

Your father was lying to me.

- Well, he must have a very good reason.

- Hm, it'd be the first time.

I called that Magpie Hotel in Manbury,

they had never even heard of him.

- He'll be back, don't worry.

- Lord Upshott is taking us

to Woburn Abbey this very afternoon.

I wanted your father to meet
some nice English gentlemen.

- Mm, he will.

- Maybe something's happened to him.

Oh, he might be suffering.

(both singing)

(whistle blowing)
(Paul laughing)

- Go easy on that steam whistle.

One more chorus like that
we'll have to refuel.

- Oh, we're gonna have to
do that pretty soon anyway.

How are we doing on time?

- We're okay.

I know a shortcut through
the Admiral's grounds.

(whimsical music)

- Good weather, Vicar, good weather.

You know, if we retain that cup,

I'm going to splice the biggest main brace

since the Battle of Trafalgar.

- Seems we've only got
one person to worry about,

our friend Hopkins.

- Friend!
- Now, Admiral,

brotherly love.
- Brotherly love.

If that young whippersnapper
takes his usual shortcut.

(engine puttering)

- What is it?

- Well, talk of the devil.

- Hopkins?

- Vicar, I believe the Lord has delivered

the enemy into our hands.
- Now Admiral, please.

- Oh hell's bells, Vicar,

it's about time you realise
that all's fair in love,

war, and the Woburn Rally.

Now get aboard.
- Aye aye, sir.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

- Hey, this is private.

- The shortcut I told you about.

If we don't take it, we'll
never make it in time.

(engine crashing)

That ruddy old Admiral!

I might have guessed it.

- You mean he did this on purpose?

- Well, what do you think?

- I think we're in a hole.

- We certainly are, in more ways than one.

(engine puttering)

Get some coal, quick.

- There's none left.

- There's a spare sack on the back.

(dramatic music)

- Oh no.
- Where's that coal?

- I don't know how to tell you this, Jack.

- What?

- I left it back on the grass
where we were this morning.

- You stupid, incompetent,
blundering old idiot.

- Now look--
- How you ever

became president of an
international airline

must be one of the biggest
mysteries of all time.

- Jack.
- I hope you

never buy my plane.

You'll probably run out of fuel

in the middle of the Atlantic.

- We're not getting out talking like this.

- How right you are.

What do you suggest?

- You'll see.

(dramatic music)

(bright music)

- Admiral, I'm worried.

Do think Hopkins can have
fallen into your trap?

- What do you mean my trap?

Our trap.

You helped.

Chicken.

- Chicken?

- Lucky for us the Admiral
has a thing about trespassing.

(Paul laughing)

(axes chopping)

- What happens when we do get pressure up?

This thing won't fly, will she?

- I'll show you.

- I'll be right with you.

(upbeat music)

(regal music)

- There's another one of
those crazy steam engines.

- You're gonna see a lot more
of them before the day's out.

- Why?

- The National Traction
Engine Championships,

that's what we've come to see.

- Oh no.

(bright music)

- Right, ready to give her another go.

- Right.

I'll keep the pressure up.

Once you get her moving, keep her going.

(engine puttering)

(triumphant music)

- [Announcer] Well welcome,
ladies and gentlemen,

to one of the greatest,
if not the greatest,

Traction Engine Rally of the year.

And what better setting than Woburn Park.

What more historic, more
in keeping with traditions.

- Everything okay, Mrs. Webb?

- Fine, thanks old boy.

- [Announcer] These splendid machines

bridging the years from
1886 with the Fowler

Single Cylinder Ploughing
Machine to Burrel's two speed

eight horsepower single cylinder.

Some Garrett's engines, 1818
vintage, the Foden tractors,

Marshall rollers.

- When are we gonna thumping well start?

- As soon as the Duke arrives,
shouldn't be long now.

- I should thumping well hope.

Thumping Dukes.

(regal music)

- All present and correct except two.

- Oh, good.

- [Man] Ah, there's The Dreadnought now.

- That just leaves The Iron Maiden, then.

- Afternoon, Admiral.

- Have you seen The Iron Maiden anywhere?

- The Iron Maiden?

No, no.

- Well, actually.
- No.

Isn't she here yet?

- I'm afraid we'll have
to start without her.

- Damn bad luck.

Poor old Hopkins.

I suppose that means
he'll be disqualified.

- I think we ought to be.

- [Announcer] and now
we bid a hearty welcome

to our host and president, His Grace,

the Duke of Bedford, and his party

as we are about to open
Rally Day at Woburn park

with a grand parade.

It's a truly wonderful sight,
isn't it ladies and gentlemen?

Survey this great
procession for yourselves

as they form their ranks.

Gleaming, polished, each one of them

with its own individuality.

Bearing their years
with a modesty, a charm,

(bright music)

but above all else, an
unassailable sense of prestige.

Slower, certainly, than
their modern counterparts,

cumbersome by the latest standards.

- How we doin'?

- Pressure's dropping.

- That's the last piece.

- [Jack] We'll never make it.

- Yes, we will.

Come on, we'll burn everything.

Miriam gave me this, it
ought to burn real good.

- She's holding her own.

(Paul laughing)

- Just call me Gypsy Rose Fisher.

(bright music)

- [Announcer] Maybe it's nostalgia,

but somehow this spectacle
of British power,

iron horsepower though it
be, does stir the emotions.

I hope you're enjoying
seeing these fine machines

as much as us.
(horns whistling)

The traditions of the British
Navy are represented here

by that ironclad Dreadnought

with the familiar figure
of the Admiral at the helm.

The Dreadnought steaming as mightily

and as purposely as the ships.

(engine puttering)

- We should make it now.

- What did I tell ya?

I was beginning to get
a bit worried, though.

- [Announcer] Now perhaps you won't mind

if I remind those of you unfamiliar

with the accepted procedure
that all competitors

must take part in the grand
parade if they're to be eligible

to compete in the various events.

And now, as they start to leave the arena,

I find there's only one non-arrival,

number 176, Jack Hopkins
in The Iron Maiden.

(bright music)

- We in time?

- Just.
- Thanks.

- Go on, hurry up.

- Okay.

- I'll drive now, you steer.

- Right, I'm with you.

Can you see what I see?

Coal.

Give me a sack.

- [Announcer] Wait a minute,

hold everything ladies and gentlemen,

I have good news for you.

I've just heard that The
Iron Maiden has made it.

Yes, The Iron Maiden,
driven by Jeff Hopkins,

has checked in and is
now entering the parade.

- That terrible man.

- Mm yes, isn't he?

- Well damn me, Vicar,
it's The Iron Maiden.

Go on, bless the saints.

(crowd cheering)

(crowd laughing)

- Kathy, that's your father.

- Grab it, will you, Jack?

I'm bushed.

[Announcer] Dated 1921.

- Pressure's pretty good.

- I don't know about your pressure,

my pressure's in a pretty bad way.

- You all right?

- Sure, I'm all right.

It's just that I think I've broke my back.

- Come on, Kathy, we may be
just in time to save your father

from making an international
fool of himself.

Excuse us, Duke, excuse us, Humphrey.

- It's just behind the refreshment tent.

- Mother, why is that every
time you're pleased with Daddy,

he's your husband and
you want to disown him,

he's my father?

- [Announcer] Now, there's The Iron Maiden

coming up to complete the line.

They're all under starters' orders

for the most exciting event of the day.

- Hey you!

You're a dirty double-crosser.

- Action stations, Vicar.

- Don't you worry about the Admiral.

Best way to fix him is to beat him.

Hey, look at that beautiful fire.

Nothing's going to stop us now.

- That's what you think.

- Miriam, what are you doing here?

- I could ask you the same
question, Paul Fisher.

Where are your trousers?

As if it isn't enough to
make a public spectacle

of your wife and your daughter.

Oh, it's all that man's fault.

Ever since we set foot in England,

he's done nothing but make trouble for us.

- Hey Paul, the pressure,
where's the hammer?

(Miriam gasping)

- Don't you dare attack me, Paul Fisher.

- Daddy?

- Paul, you all right?

It's no good, you're
gonna have to pack it up.

Come on, Paul, off you get.
- Sweet potato,

what did he do to you?

Here.
- Are you all right?

- I'll withdraw from the race.

- Oh, not now, Jack.

You can't.
- I have to.

- Are you ready?

- Steady.

- Go!

(bright music)
- And they're off.

And what a thundering start, too.

- What do I do?

- You just steer, I'll do the rest.

- Kathy, Kathy come down off of there.

You'll ruin your dress.

Kathy, don't go with that idiot.

(upbeat music)

Kathy, don't go (screaming)
with that idiot.

Paul, say something.

- Shut up.

(Admiral laughing)

- He's only just starting.

- I do think we can do better than that,

I mean we're only going five knots.

- Hold your course, will ya?

(engines puttering)

- [Announcer] Tiny Tim's
going very well, indeed,

so's Dreadnought, for that matter.

A 1914 model, don't forget.

Oh, Mrs. Webb won't like this,

Dreadnought's overtaking Tiny Tim.

Way, way down the field
is The Iron Maiden.

She's going very well
now that she's started,

but she's a very long way back.

- Which side do I go?
- Left of the drum.

Right of the next one, only not too close.

If we knock one over, we get disqualified.

- Miriam, I haven't had
this much fun in 20 years.

- Come on, Sydney, get a move on!

- All right, sweetheart,
I'm doing my best.

- (laughing) Look, Vicar,
a woman at the helm.

- [Announcer] The Iron
Maiden still plugging away.

Now the Dreadnought's coming
into a beautiful turn.

- Steady.

- [Announcer] The Admiral
has begun the Westover end

with a big leap, very much obliged.

- Come on, Jack, faster, faster!

It did it!

- [Announcer] Yes, going very well

indeed is The Iron Maiden.

Look at the girl at the helm there,

she's making a beautifully
controlled turn.

And for a novice, that's
something really remarkable.

There's the Dreadnought

keeping going in magnificent fashion.

- Come on, Jack, faster, faster.

- Well done, darling, you're a natural.

- Did you see that, Miriam?

Your daughter's a born
traction engine driver.

- [Announcer] Now The Iron Maiden

is most definitely cutting
down the Admiral's lead.

(bright music)

Coming into the final turn.

The Dreadnought is now in the lead,

but I think being rapidly
overhauled by Jack Hopkins.

It looks as though he's left it very late.

Can he do it?

He's really humming along now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
he's back in the game.

He's using those huge
wheels to bring him closer.

- Come on!
- You can do it!

(Miriam screaming)

- Oh, come on Kathy.

- You can do it, love, come on.

Come on.

- [Announcer] Right alongside

and she goes past the Nought.

- Don't stand there, Vicar, pray, pray!

- [Announcer] Coming up
to the finishing line,

it's The Iron Maiden.

(whistles blowing)

- They won, they won!

(crowd cheering)

- [Announcer] That was a special victory.

I mean, what exactly happened there?

Wow, the whistles.

- We've won.
- We did it!

We did it!

- [Announcer] Winning a
match for a very long time.

I certainly shan't forget it.

- [Miriam] Whoo, whoo, Kathy!

Here we are, honey.

Oh, Humphrey, thank you.

Wasn't that exciting?

- Yes, very.

- Hello, Humphrey.
- Hello, sir.

There we are.

- Thank you very much.

I wish I had better news for you.

- Better news?

- Well, it's just that I called
Sir Giles-Thompson yesterday

and decided to go with his plane.

- That's a pity I thought
we could probably--

- I knew you'd understand.

However, don't worry, I
have a friend, Joe Feldman,

coming into London next week.

I'll get him in touch with you.

He has two airlines and three daughters.

- Maybe you could do a package deal.

- That's very kind of you, sir.

I'll go and tell my father.

Mrs. Fisher.
- Bye, honey.

(soft music)

(engine rumbling)

- [Kathy] I never thought I'd say this,

now I know how you can fall in
love with a traction engine.

- Well you certainly
found out the hard way.

- [Kathy] I must admit, she's quite a gal.

- Certainly is.

All those things that you
said on the foot plate,

were they all meant for The Iron Maiden,

or were some meant for me?

- Well, they were meant for both of you.

Kathy, you're trembling.

- I'm so happy I could explode.

(romantic music)

(steam hissing)

(engine exploding)

(sombre music)

What happened, Jack?

- Strain must have been too much for her.

Poor old girl.

Well, that's the end of the road for her.

- Oh no.

(bright music)

(bottle shattering)
(Kathy screaming)

(crowd applauding)

- Let's watch her take off.

- What a wonderful name, The Iron Maiden.

I don't know why I didn't
think of it sooner.

(jets roaring)

(romantic music)