All language subtitles for The Happy Ending

(INAUDIBLE)

Honey, it had a happy ending.

What happens at sad movies?

Oh, I cry happy, sad.

ANNOUNCER: Britain crowns
Elizabeth in sight of her son, Charles,

who someday will be King.

Elizabeth, Queen of England!

What can he find to talk about
for an hour and a half?

Ma...

What are you doing the rest of your life?

North and south
and east and west of your life?

I have only one request of your life

That you spend it all with me

All the seasons and the times of your days

All the nickels and the dimes of your days

Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days

All begin and end with me

I want to see your face in every kind of light

In fields of dawn and forests of the night

And when you stand before
the candles on a cake

Oh, let me be the one

To hear the silent wish you make

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes

In the world of love you keep in your eyes

I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes

It may take a kiss or two

Through all of my life

Summer, winter, spring and fall of my life

All I ever will recall of my life

Is all of my life with you

- ...every word.
- What did I say?

That you love me.

All this time, that's all you heard?

You love me.

Tell, my boy, what's your racket?

Profession.
I'm a tax consultant.

I help clients keep some of their money.

Sounds crooked.

You think a lawyer
would do anything illegal?

(LAUGHING) You would, and have with me.

We're totally and gorgeously immoral.

Then why don't I feel guilty?

Because people in love are crazy.

Well, at least crazy people
can't be held responsible.

Well, for safety's sake,
we ought to be put in an institution...

Marriage.

Life imprisonment?

(CHUCKLING) For what we...
Just for what we've been doing?

Oh, don't you want to live
happily ever after?

(INAUDIBLE)

(BELL TOLLING)

ANNOUNCER: The morning
headlines as of January 22, 1969.

Washington: On his first
working day in the White House,

President Nixon said he would use a
small hideaway for brain work.

London: Plans were announced
for Prince Charles

to be invested as Prince of Wales.

Sixteen years ago, he watched his
mother crowned Queen of England.

Weather in downtown Denver, 37 degrees.

In a moment, your daily health program.

Morning!

How do you feel?

Start my eggs for me, will you, darling?

Hey!

I love you.

ANNOUNCER: Come to where
the flavor is, famous Marlboro Red,

or new Marlboro 100's, "The Longhorns."

Come to Marlboro Country.

Good morning, ladies. 7:30,

and time for our trip to
God's Fountain of Youth.

You know, it's a beautiful day
because we're alive,

so let's count our blessings.

Ready to face the day?
Good.

Remember love is beauty.

Love is eternal.

Love is organic.

If your insides are right,
your outsides can't be wrong.

First thing we're gonna do,

is fill our lungs with clean, fresh air.

Now, lady, you can't do it
sitting in the chair smoking.

Now, fill up your lungs.
Inhale as much as you can.

Inhale.

Hold it, more, hold it, hold it, hold it,

hold it, hold it, hold it.
Let it out.

(COUGHING)

Fine. Now, let's go. 20 times.

All right, fill up those lungs. Inhale.

Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, that's it, hold it. Let it out.

Once again. Inhale.

Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, that's it, hold it.

(PHONE RINGING)

Let it out.

I'll get it, Mom!

...you feel better all ready, don't you?

Once again, inhale through the nose.

Hello?

Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Let it out.

How'd you sleep last night?
Did you need a sleeping pill?

You all tensed up?
You headachy?

Old? Tired? Nervous?

One thing...

(BELL DINGS)

MARGE ON PHONE: (LAUGHS)
Really? Where? When?

I can't make it.
Not tonight.

Well, there's this party.

My parents' umpteenth
wedding anniversary.

I don't know,
it's got to be at least their 16th, unless...

I don't think they had
the pill in those prehistoric days.

Morning, Daddy.

How's my girl?

Don't forget about tonight.

MARGE: Mmm-hmm. I'm listening.

Suz?

Anyway, I got to be here tonight,

'cause at last year's party...

Oh, brother...

You think you've got problems.

I can't talk about it.

Yeah.

It's pretty tough raising parents nowadays.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Listen, I got to go.
My ride's here.

MARGE: Bye!

Your horoscope says for you
to stay away from problems

during the a.m. and be happy in the evening.

Does it say how?

Don't those pills get you all hopped up?

Hopped up. Calmed down.

I'm late.
I've got Harry Bricker today.

Makes you slender, young,
satisfied and dreary-dull.

Hey! What about...

What about if we forget the party?

Why don't we sneak away,

find a sleazy motel,

act suspicious,
give false names and do it in sin?

It's not a sin if you're married.

If we didn't come to our own party,

everybody'd think there
was something wrong.

And there's nothing wrong, not anymore.

Tonight, we'll show them
why an anniversary is called "happy."

At midnight, we'll toast it with champagne.

One glass to a customer.

It's important for Marge, too, you know.

Oh, if you get to feeling,

you know,

call me.

And stay busy.
Have lunch out.

See a movie or your mother or something.

And think only beautiful thoughts.

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, Agnes.

- Morning, Mr. Wilson.
- Good morning.

That cake will be delivered about 5:00.

I want you to make the fruit punch.

What do you want it spiked with?

Fruit.

- With that crowd?
- Agnes.

Fruit.

Mrs. Wilson seems kind of edgy,

so if she gets depressed, phone me.

And if she leaves the house...

Likewise.

She's got a little something
stashed in the bedroom,

not that she'd use it.

Oh, she hasn't.

But, if she locks herself in the bedroom.

Trouble.

So, keep an eye on her.

The FBI never sleeps.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Ms. Wilson?

It's me, Agnes.

Are you all right, Ms. Wilson?

Fine. I just popped some heroin

and taken the gas pipe. You?

I could use a double vodka.

Help yourself.

Pretty, ain't it?

Like one of them fireboxes.

"Break glass only in case of emergency."

We got us a four-alarm panic?

Nope.

How 'bout a double Miltown instead?

Comin' up.

Happy days.

Got my secret orders from the chief.

You can't even go pee-pee alone,

without I have to quick phone him.

You takin' me down to Headquarters?

I'm gonna give you a break, sister.

Take it on the lam.

Disappear yourself down
to the beauty parlor,

and let them fairy godmothers
wave their magic wand.

Let 'em pamper your top
and massage your bottom,

'cause tonight, baby,

you're queen of the ball.

Oh, I don't deserve you.

Oh, honey, all us girls over 35

got the same trouble.

RECEPTIONIST:
Bricker Advertising. Mr. Bricker?

Thank you,
I'll see if he's in.

Just a moment, please.

$15,000 contribution
to the church? Every year?

That's quite a bite.

All right, you own a part
interest in the laundry.

You invested $6,000.

According to your books, it's worth $18,000.

Now, why don't you donate
that interest to a church?

It's tax deductible to you

and gives them a yearly income.

A church?
In the laundry business?

What a slogan.

"Let the Church clean your dirty linen."

Oh, I like that. Terrific!

RECEPTIONIST: Bricker Advertising.

- Mrs. Bricker?
- Yes.

I'll tell Mr. Bricker you're waiting.

Ms. Bruce.

Girls, he'll be with you in a moment.

"What makes a woman?"

- Mr. Wilson, phone.
- I like that.

Extension four.
It's your home.

Something about the FBI.

Mrs. Bricker insists on seeing you.

I saw her this morning.
I'll have to see her again tonight.

I'm busy.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Agnes? Where did she go?

RECEPTIONIST: Bricker
Advertising. Thank you. Just a moment.

Do you have that number there?

Hi.

Helen! Uh...

Long time no see.

Yeah.

Hmm. Smells like, uh...

Wild and shameful.

Atta girl. Always use
your husband's product.

It's the only thing about him that stands up.

Mrs. Bricker, I'm sorry, but he...

I know, he's busy.

You busy, too?

Most married men would
rather switch than fight.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Is Mrs. Wilson there, please?

Sorry.

Mrs. Wilson. Mr. Wilson.

Oh.

Hi. How'd you find me?

He's a mind reader.

God forbid.

Hey, did I tell you today that I love you?

(EXHALES)

My husband loves me.

We all have our cross to bear, sweetie.

That's right, ma'am,
no passport is required or visa.

Excursion fare, roundtrip, Denver-New York,

New York-Nassau is $257.

Well, how much one way?

Ah... $176.

Credit card or cash?

I'll be back.

- Hi, Mother.
- Hello, darling.

Did you bring it?

I don't think I've been here since

when your father was still with us,

on our honeymoon.

I don't believe I ever saw the lobby.

Well...

I like your hairdo.

- Michael?
- Can I have the money, please?

I've got something for you on approval.

- Mama.
- For your anniversary.

I haven't got time.

I want you to see it before Fred...

(SIREN WAILING)

You told him.

Oh, Mama.

I really need that $200.

You could...

Would you write a check?

Please, Mama.

I'm sorry.

Mary, I'm sorry. Fred...

He said you'd ask for money.

Maybe, if you told him
why you need the money.

Can you tell me?

Would it make any difference?

Then what's the difference?

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PA)

Nice merchandise.

Thank you.

$180?

Oh, uh... let me see.

Please, lady, yes or no.
No aggravation.

Uh, wait a minute.

Lady, no wedding rings, please.

Who wants to buy
someone else's heartache?

- Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

(RINGING)

Hello? Hello?

(RINGING)

Hello?

No, not yet.

(RINGING)

Hold it, Mr. Wilson.

Hello?

You alone?

The chief's calling on the hotline.

Go ahead, I got him short circuited.

Got you. Got you.

Hello.

Was that Mrs. Wilson calling?

Where was she calling from?

A phone.

Funny. Very funny.

Now, damn it, Agnes!

I told you this morning
what I wanted you to do. Do you hear me?

Yes. Yes, sir.

I heard you, sir.
You're coming in loud and clear.

Roger. 10-4. Over and out.

Oh, Alice,

try the Red Ram for me will you, please?

What's happened to you?

I just think you're the most human being.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

Red Ram.

This is Charlie.

WOMAN ON TV:
We are talking about your wife, your wife.

Hold it, Mr. Wilson.

MAN ON TV: Maybe, it' be
best for both of us

if we called it off
and we stop seeing each other.

No, sir.

She hasn't been here.
Must be

five, six months.

Yes, sir,
I have your number.

- Thanks, Charlie.
- The usual?

Please.

You look fine, Mrs. Wilson, real fine.

(LAUGHS) You need glasses, Charlie.

MAN ON TV: Oh, Liz,
I just don't know if I can keep this up.

I just can't seem to leave her.

LIZ: Paul, you want me to mention it?

The unmentionable?

MAN: What do you want me to do, Liz?

He's hooked on them serials.

He needs one.

One's too many,

and a million's not enough.

LIZ: You do not have to stay with her.

You want to stay with her.

You know, we've been together a year,

I haven't been out with anyone else.

I don't see anybody.
I live just for you.

You have at least intimated

that you wanted to get married.

That you were going to leave your wife.

You said you didn't love her,
that she didn't love you.

That you have no reason
for staying with her.

That I was all you wanted
in the whole world.

Just me. Just me.

- Hey, there, Charlie!
- The usual?

Just the blood, skip the Mary.

Charlie, for the gentleman.

What's a matter with it?

I'll find out for myself.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in tomorrow
for the next episode of

The Big Little City.

Makeup, perfume, lace nighties,

shoes, pills for everything
and whatever you're looking for,

I hope you find it.

We'll go over it tonight at the party.

Oh, and Burt,
this time no cracks about marriage, okay?

One moment, please.

Okay. Bye.

Oh, boy.

I wish I could afford to insult that creep.

Mr. Wilson, the Health Club on 2.

Hello. Would you page her, please?

Just a moment, please.

WOMAN ON PA: Paging Mary Wilson.

Phone, Mrs. Wilson.

Paging Mary Wilson.

Hi, honey.
How'd it turn out?

Aren't they gorgeous?

Silicone.

No lumps, no scars,

thirty-nine dreamy inches.

Do you think it's dishonest?

Hell, no.

Oh, God, I can't wait to try them out!

It is dishonest.

No more than make-up, false eyelashes,

wigs, padded bras
or a hundred other things.

Who cares if it helps her get a man

or keep the man she's got?

Fred Wilson. Poor guy.

Mary hasn't been here,

anywhere, since...

Since what?

Since Fred took away her credit cards,

checking account, the works.

My God! Why?

I hope it isn't serious.

The hell you don't.

You bitch!

What's the matter with her?

We all got the same problem, kid.

I got no problem.

Then, what are you doin' here?

Look at us, zombies killing time

till we can go home and kill more time!

All I said was...

NANCY: Oh, shut up and play!

STEWARDESS: Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has turned off
the Fasten Seat Belt sign.

And you are free to move about
the cabin as you wish.

In a few moments,
the stewardesses with be serving you

soft beverages and cocktails.

MARY: Magic mirror on the wall,

who is the fairest one of all?

And the mirror replied,

"Oh, Queen, thou hast a beauty rare,

"but Snow White,
the prince's bride, is still more fair."

The queen hit the mirror
and it broke into a million pieces.

And the wicked stepmother
dropped down dead.

Right!

And Snow White and her prince
lived happily ever after.

- And that's good night.
- I want a drink of water.

- Good night, lover.
- Good night, Daddy.

Mommy, what happens
when you get married?

Plenty.
Now, good night.

Why do all the stories end after married?

Like Snow White, Cinderella
and Sleeping Beauty?

They all get married and that's the end.

No, they live happily ever after.

And that's the end.

(LAUGHS)

When people love each other
very, very much,

there is no end.

But, Mommy...

Good night.

STEWARDESS: Cocktail?

- Cocktail?
- Um...

Is it midnight anywhere?

Must be. Someplace.

I'd say the west coast ofAfrica.

Casablanca.

Probably.

Tomato juice, please.
In a champagne glass.

You've been to Casablanca?

In the movie.

Miss?

Thank you.

MAN: Mary...

Is it midnight, yet?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Is everybody happy?

ALL: Yes!

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

- Al!
- Oh, yeah.

You remember? From Cheyenne.

WOMAN: Well, if Jesus
was a Jew, does that make God a Jew, too?

Fantastic!

God, speaking existentially...

Sex after marriage,
what do you think, Mary?

It's something everyone has to go through.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Mary, it's a marvelous party.
Isn't Fred wonderful?

He is.

- Fred, get ready, ready, ready!
- What?

- Oh, ready, ready yeah.
- Lights.

Ready.

Cake. Cake. C-A-K-E!

ALL: Should auld acquaintance be forgot

REVEREND: Oh!
Oh, this is wonderful!

Congratulations!
Oh, I'm so proud.

I was saying that marriage
is a kind of fulfilling institution.

I mean, I've known this couple for so long

that it does one's heart so much good.

We'll take a cup of kindness yet

For auld lang syne

ALL: Happy anniversary!

To the happy couple.

Where?

Happy anniversary, darling.

HARRY: Hey, have you
ever considered adultery as a way of life?

Are you still married?

Would it make any difference?

Happy anniversary!

(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)

Anyway, this doctor shoots you in the ass

with this gorilla drug, seven days a week

for three months.

Is it expensive?

If it keeps me lookin' 30
and Harry thinkin' dirty, who cares?

(LAUGHING)

If you're a writer,
you've got to meet my wife.

- I'm not a writer.
- Perfect! Helen doesn't read.

You're made for each other.
She'll remind you of the war.

I've never been in the war.

Terrific!
Then you'll enlist.

Class, huh? Class.

Baby, that's one thing
you've got, and that's class!

You ought to know,
you've pinched every acre of it.

Don't go away,
Helen will eat you alive.

Eat you alive.

ALL: Just a song at twilight

Well, it's a pleasure, Helen.

- Mary, Fred's wife.
- Sorry.

Was he kidding about his wife?

He was kidding.

I just got into town
and your husband said...

"Drop in any old time."

(CHUCKLES) Yes.

I suppose I ought to know you.

All of Fred's clients are either famous,

infamous, rich, or about to get rich.

Which one are you?

And suppose I'm not a client?

Oh, you wouldn't be here.
Only clients are invited.

Friends aren't deductible.

Fred says,
"It's just as easy to be friendly with a client,

"as with someone you like."

See?

Comes love's old sweet song

You think everything's
a swindle, even marriage.

Especially marriage.

Well, you've been divorced twice,
so you're not a fairjudge.

(LAUGHS) Neither are you.

You haven't been married even once.

Watch it, Reverend.

They say it's better to burn than to marry.

Well, I believe the saying is,

"It's better to marry than burn."

No married man would say that.

It was said by God.

A bachelor.

He had the goods on me.

No kids, no divorce.

She doesn't even see her own children.

I used to. It was worse
than not seeing them at all.

That's awful.
Isn't that awful?

Awful.

Also a relief.

Oh!

That's okay.
She's not my wife.

Aspirin, Bufferin, Anacin,

Empirin, Excedrin,

Codeine!

Want me to stay awhile?

Miltown.

- Everybody happy?
- Must be.

Everybody's kissin' somebody.

Oh, party kissing is not serious.

Only fatal.

My first husband was a terrific kisser
but he was a terrible lover.

Maybe what a man feels isn't really love.

Oh, shit!

What a man loves most of all
is his damn automobile.

(LAUGHING)

Now, why is that?

He can always trade it in for a new model.

Tell him. Tell him.

Oh, it's a fact.
She can't afford to marry you.

Her alimony would stop.

So, we'll just have to sin and bear it.

Those relatives I support,

can't you find a tax gimmick
to get 'em off my back?

To be honest, no!

I didn't ask you to be honest.

I want you to save me money.

Hey!

Hey, I love you.

Remember now, you promised, no drinking.

Let go.

- You promised.
- Let go!

What's the secret?
The key? The formula?

Don't you have any respect for statistics?

American married people are 32% divorced,

and 68% miserable.

Oh, I know you believe in family, love,

God, chewing gum.

But married 15 years to the same person.

What are ya?
Both cowards or what, huh?

(PANTING)

Oh!

First time I ever saw
anybody go to the bathroom in the dark.

It's the first time
I ever saw anyone drink perfume.

Bottle by Rossoff.
Vodka by Smirnoff.

Keeps you breathless
while it stops the clock.

Let's see now, you're Mrs...

(SCOFFS) Ex-Mrs.

Are all divorcees gay?

Hmm. That depends on the alimony.

In your case?

Ah, tres gay.

Your talented husband handled the divorce.

Now, he handles my assets.

I'll bet he does.

You won't believe this, but he saved my life.

In Reno.

I was getting unhitched,

and my ex was trying to
bitch up the settlement.

I phoned Fred in a panic, absolute panic.

He flew out to Reno that night.
Saved my life, so help me.

Fred's an expert at artificial respiration,

especially mouth-to-mouth.

Um...

How much of that stuff does
it take to, um, stop the clock?

Less than enough, you're climbing the walls.

Too much, blotto.

But...

If you've got that magic touch,

floating time.

I once lost a whole month that way.

Between drinks.

I looked up...

Gone!

Lovely.

Lovely floating time.

MAN: Good night, Mary.

Good night, Mary.

Oxnardian theory.

Good night, Fred.

HELEN: Harry!

See you next year.

- Same time, same place, same event?
- Yep.

FRED: Did you hear the one
about the tax collector...

- Fred's a great guy.
- Great.

- Life of the party.
- Yep.

What? Oh, good night.

Harry!

Now, there is a woman with classic beauty

but no class.

- She loves you.
- FRED: Thank you for coming.

Love was invented by poets.

Love is something we talk about.

Sex is what we do.

Harry!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Let's all go to Charlie's
place for a nightcap, huh?

How about it, Freddy?
Come on, don't let the party end.

Oh! It's too late.
I got to go home, honey.

You are home, honey.

(ALL LAUGHING)

HARRY: Good night.

Good night.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(PLAYING PIANO)

(LAUGHS)

Did you see...

Say something, baby.
Anything.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

MAN ON TV: No matter
what shape your stomach's in,

when it gets out of shape, take Alka-Seltzer.

(AS TIME GOES BY
FROM CASABLANCA PLAYING)

Who are you really
and what were you before?

And what did you do
and what did you think, huh?

We said, "No questions."

Here's looking at you, kid.

(MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN ON SPEAKER)

With the whole world
crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love.

Yeah, it's pretty bad timing.

Where were you, say, 10 years ago?

Ten years ago?

ILSA: Let's see...

Yes, I was having a brace put on my teeth.

(EXPLOSION)

ILSA: Was that cannon fire
or is it my heart pounding?

Hi.

Have a nice time?

Okay.

Where'd you go?

Drove around.

Stay and talk awhile.

Talk about what?

Anything.

Ma!

Daddy?

- Daddy?
- Hello, lover.

You missed a great party.

You all right?

Just fine.

Good night.

RICK: Hey, hey, what's wrong, kid?

ILSA: I love you so much.
And I hate this war so much.

Oh, it's a crazy world.
Anything can happen.

If you shouldn't get away...

I mean, if, if something
should keep us apart...

Kiss me.
Kiss me as if it were the last time.

"Here's looking at you, kid."

ANNOUNCER 1: President Johnson's
peace plans were snubbed by Hanoi.

The sports world is still in shock over
UCLA'S basketball defeat by Houston.

Mamba, a two-ton rhinoceros...

You know what time it is?

Japanese students protest visit of nuclear...

Please, come to bed.

Complete details of these and other stories.

Denver weather
and livestock reports in a moment.

(AS TIME GOES BY PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER 2: Back to our late,
late show, Casablanca.

You've seen that 100 times.

We'll miss the news.

Honey!

The news.
The news is here!

Us! You and me
and that no man's land you call "bed"!

I'm not complaining.

Then you ought to.

I'm satisfied.

You couldn't be.
Not after what it used to be.

What do you expect it to be after 15 years?

Not what it is.

Whatever it is, I love you.

We're not in love.
We just make love, and damn little of that!

And then it's kiss, kiss, groan and twitch,

wham, bam, thank you, ma'am!

Why don't you scream it out the window?

- Does Marge have to know?
- She knows.

- She's a kid for Christ's sake.
- Kids know.

Okay, now cool it, will you?

I'm against "cool."

I can't talk to you.

'Cause we got nothing to say to each other!

Before we married,
you never stopped talking.

Now you talk only to clients.

Marge talks only to the telephone.

The only people who ever talk to me
are the television and then Agnes!

That's drunk talk!

Ah! I got a big day tomorrow.

Yeah? Doing what?

Training for those two-hour, six-martini
lunches, goosing topless waitresses?

And a happy anniversary to you, too!

And that all-year-round electric tan!

Phony! Smile! You're on Candid
Camera to prove we're happy!

Phony!
And all those lousy plaques on the wall!

Best Man of the Week, Best Christian of the
Month in Denver. Phony!

We don't even know
a real Christian. Not one!

If we had to live 24 Christian hours,
we'd go insane!

Phony! Phony! Phony!

What about you?
What are you?

Joan ofArc on a bender?
What about you?

I'm nothing at all.
Zero!

You're one thing for sure.
Drunk!

Not yet!

- Where the hell are you going?
- Back to Casablanca.

Back to Humphrey Bogart,
Peter Lorre and Claude Rains.

Dead, dead, dead!

Dead and buried,
they're more alive than we are!

(ANNOUNCER ON PA)

Hello.

I'm sorry,

but your flight
doesn't leave until 9:45 in the morning.

Uh, excuse me.

WOMAN ON PA:
Paging Mr. Paul McClure or Mr. Bob Foster.

Would you please call 4830?

Mr. Paul McClure or Mr. Bob Foster.

Long distance, please.

Good night, Fred.
See you at the club this Sunday.

I, Richard Milhous Nixon
do solemnly swear...

JUDGE: ...that you will
faithfully execute the office...

NIXON: ...that I will
faithfully execute the office...

JUDGE: ...of President of the United States.

NIXON: ...of President of the United States.

JUDGE: And will, to the best
of your ability...

NIXON: And will to the best of my ability...

JUDGE: ...preserve, protect and defend...

NIXON: ...preserve, protect and defend...

JUDGE: ...the Constitution of
the United States...

NIXON: ...the Constitution of
the United States...

JUDGE: ...so help you God.

NIXON: ...so help me God.

(PHONE RINGING)

(THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING)

AGNES: Wilson residence.

Marge.

AGNES: Just a minute, please.

Marge.

For you. Mrs. Wilson.

Mary. Hello?

Long distance?

Yes! Yes, operator,
of course, we'll accept the charges.

Hello?

Mary,

are you all right?

- Can I get you a drink?
- No.

- Cigarette?
- Mmm-mmm.

Gin rummy? Scrabble?
Twenty Questions?

Fred?

For God's sake, let's go home.

(PLAYING PIANO)

Hello?

Where are you?

Of course, they noticed.
It's your party. You're the only one not here.

Why are you calling?

(CHUCKLES) You didn't want me to worry?

Well, your tender concern
is about six hours too late.

You're thinking what over?
What's there to think over?

And why the hell do you
have to go to New York to think?

Hey, are you crying for them?

For us.

I'll cry to that.

Sorry!

Sorry is about the sorriest
word ever said in a marriage.

Who is she meeting in New York?

MRS. SPENCER: She said
she was going to Nassau.

Alone?

I don't believe it.

Nobody goes that far to a strange place

without money, without...

I don't believe it.

My mother came all the way from Ireland...

Alone.

All she had was hope.

Parties.

Drunk parties are grotesque, stupid.

Sober parties are worse.

When the phone rang, it scared me.

It must have scared them, too.

They ran out like
the house was coming down.

Like when you were away,
and I found Mom, and called the ambulance.

- She tried to kill herself.
- She didn't.

- Why?
- It was an accident.

Then why isn't she here?
Is that an accident, too?

- Hold it.
- She doesn't care about us.

- Hold it.
- She doesn't love us.

Stop it, I said!

Your mother loved you
before you were born.

Before she knew what
you'd look like or what you'd become.

She loves you in a hundred
ways nobody else can.

Nobody!

Not the man you'll marry.
Not your own children.

Not even me.

Remember that all your life.

She loves you.

Does she love you, too?

Yes.

Then why did she run out on us?

Maybe, we ran out on her.

A long time ago.

STEWARDESS:
Our cabin altitude is controlled,

and should it change, an oxygen mask

will be automatically released
from the back compartment

of the seat in front of you.

Extinguish all cigarettes immediately,

pull mask toward you,

then place it over your face,

covering your nose and mouth,

as your stewardess is now demonstrating.

Breath as you normally would
until you're advised

that the masks are no longer needed.

This is your Captain speaking.

(SIREN WAILING)

MAN: Excuse me.

You all right?

Your first trip to Nassau?

Flo!

Well, look it here.
This must be my lucky day.

Beat it.

- To old times.
- God, yes. Times!

How long has it been?

Class of '53.

What were we?
The Asperin Age or the Anxiety Age?

The Stone Age.

What's the secret formula?

Why do you look 28,
and I'm afraid to look in the mirror?

Power, baby.

There's white power,
green power, black power,

electric, horse and manpower.

I've got staying power.

I've been massaged, barraged,
creamed and reamed

with every slop and goo on the market.

I've tried the Yogi bit,
Ying and Yang, Biff and Bang, the works.

You name it, I've done it.

All in the name of youth and beauty.

God knows, I've even prayed for it.

Baby, there's one big difference between us.

You got married.

Still with the same man?

Same wonderful man.

- Kids?
- One. Oh, she's a beauty.

That helps.

Family holiday?

Alone?

Where are you staying?

No reservation?

This time of year?

That desperate, huh?

Oh, baby, baby.

- What'd you do, catch him cheatin'?
- No.

Did he punch you around?

Never laid a glove on me.

Let's see. He's impotent.

(LAUGHING) No.

- Sex maniac?
- No.

- Perverted?
- No.

Stingy?
It's his mother.

Oh, it's...
It's nothing serious.

It's just...

Nothing that happens between
a man and a woman is "just."

I can't live with him
and I can't live without him.

What's the matter with me?

Why can't I love the man I love?

CAPTAIN ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen,
we are arriving at Nassau.

Kindly remain seated until we have...

If you wanna leave yourself behind

Looking for a place to just unwind

With a balmy breeze to clear your mind

Hurry up and hurry down

Hurry to a land of swing and sway

Just a little nip and nap away

Hurry to a world where you can stay

Out of touch and out of town

Better hurry up
Better hurry down

Sun's here
Fun's here

You can live it up while you live it down

Any time of year

If your life is getting out of hand

Sit and think it over on the sand

Things are better-looking
when they're tanned

Hurry up and hurry down

Never question the cost

Never mind what the neighbors say

Tell the boss to get lost

You'll pack a bag today

All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.

Is that all?

It's only everything.

What'll I do?

For one thing, stop crying.

Oh, but it feels so good.

Lately, I cry at everything.

Even nothing.

That's one comfort
I can't afford, not in my trade.

If there's one thing a man won't tolerate,

it's a crying mistress.

He gets that at home.

I know.

In the past 10 years,
I've been the other woman to

three married men.

Sam, he's number four.

Doesn't it break up their home?

Baby, you can't
break up a home that isn't already cracked.

Do you feel a victim of routine?

Do you have a scheduled life to clear?

Can I help you, Mr. Trasker?

Yes, take care of these cables, please.

This one is from Mrs. Wilson to
Mr. Wilson in Denver, Colorado.

- Yes, sir.
- This cable to my office in New York.

Yes, sir.

Nice to see you again, Ms. Harrigan.

Thank you.

Right now, she needs beachwear.

And then later on, the works.

- Flo, I can't...
- Charge it, as usual.

- How's everything?
- Okay.

- Your kids?
- The same.

- The missus?
- The same.

- How was Christmas?
- The same.

Thanks for the present.

Thanks for being nice to Mary.

I haven't seen her since college.

Six months before graduation,
she drops out

to get married.

Isn't that why girls go to college?

Didn't you?

I bet you could have had any man in college?

I did.

Practically all of them.

I was listed in every little
black book on campus

under "Flo Harrigan,
the Girl Most Likely To."

24-hour service.
$40 an hour.

I don't believe it.

Believe it.

Some girls work their way
through college selling magazines.

I sold me.

I don't want to hear it.

It's a success story with a bang finish.

It's lucky my mother hated breastfeeding

or I'd been alcoholic before I could walk.

It finally killed her.

Every Sunday, drunk or sober,

she'd give me the same lecture,

"Girl, you gotta go to college.

"'Cause without an education,
you either end up

"a bigmouth housewife or a big-ass whore."

My freshman year,

she dropped dead, smack in the middle
of prayin' to win a fortune

in the Irish Sweepstakes.

I sure didn't intend to be
a bigmouth housewife,

so I went to work.

I graduated with a Masters degree

in Men.

Why did you want me to know?

I don't know.

My God, you're beautiful.

I miss you, even when I'm with you.

Any time is playtime
Night or daytime

From volleyball to dice games

Lots of nice games

Or play a bit of cricket if you are wicked

Or play a round
Doesn't everybody?

Baby, simply name your recreation

Any game at all

Observation or participation

Something for everybody

Been around the pool girls
Even school girls

And little boys and big boys
If you dig boys

The mamas and the teenies in their bikinis

All look the same if they got a body

Bait your hook and try your hand at fishing

If you're so inclined

Look at all the fish on exhibition

Something for everybody

I've got all the stingers for the swingers

A party for the square set
Rocking chair set

From popping corks to popcorn

Our bag is full of something for everybody

And I want you to call my wife at home.

No, tomorrow.

The interest rates
are going up in construction.

It gives us a chance to get
that paving contract.

If we can finance it
ourselves, we may get the deal.

- FLO: Mary.
- Come.

One tomato juice, straight.

- Well, did you think it over?
- I found the secret formula.

If you look and smell right,
if your hair is the right color,

if you drive the right car,
smoke the right cigarette,

if your bosom is big and firm
and fully packed

and your breath is sweet
and your teeth are bright,

then you'll find love,
marriage, and be happy forever.

lf...

If you promise never, but never, to grow old.

Why not?
It's the American dream.

I thought that was money.

Love and money are related by marriage.

Daddy, what's marriage?

Business.
Big business.

U.S. economy depends on marriage.

Not U.S. Steel?

Marriage.

Once people saved up to get married,

now, there's credit.

Credit means buying.

That means stores, shipping,
building, factories.

Marriage means sex, beauty, luxury,

diamonds, furs, perfumes, cars.

Gifts for her.
Gifts for him. Gifts for them.

Marriage means a home, and that means

painters, plumbers, carpenters,

furniture, rugs, curtains,
linens, silver, dishes,

electric washers, dryers, mixers, fixers,

stoves, clocks, radios, TVs.

Thirty billion dollars
every yearjust to get married.

If marriage is made in heaven,

a broken marriage is financial blasphemy.

Bachelors, divorcees,
widows and homosexuals are unprofitable.

And that makes them un-American.

(LAUGHING)

Lose it slowly.

It might be un-American but I love that man.

$100? I can't take that.

Rule 1, married or not,

never gamble with your own money.

$100 worth of chips, please.

16, red.

(INAUDIBLE)

(PLAYERS CHATTERING)

Denver's calling.

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Oh, I'm fine, really.
Oh, it's beautiful here. Hot and lovely.

I met a friend.
She lent me some money.

Five, red.

You had to ask, didn't you?

Yeah.

All right.

Good bye.

"Behave yourself.
No drinking.

"Stick to tomato juice."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT)
The roulette is tedious, no?

I agree.

You see, gambling is for
bored men and lonely women.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Scusa, I am not molesting, huh?

No.

Bellissima.

And I knew at once you would be shy.

Bravo!

A beautiful woman can afford to be modest.

Ah-ha.

I am, how you say in the hair, huh?

Ah, no, I'm sorry, but,
you sound like that Italian actor...

- Marcello?
- Yeah.

Si. He also finds it amusing.

E grazie. Keep it.

You know him?

Chi? Marcello?
Like a brother.

I make him famous
to the world. Small matter.

Come.

- You belong?
- Oh, yeah.

Don't tell me he came through
the telephone.

He clicked his lighter and said,

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT)
"The roulette is tedious, no?"

It's tedious, yes.

He knows Marcello.
Even sounds like him.

Dandy.

Am I being silly?

Fourteen, red.

No, baby.

I think he's...

Very young.

He's been there and back.

Have fun.

I, uh, I think I'm scared.

CROUPIER: 26, black.

You've never had a...

Nobody?

Not once in 16 years?

My God!
You belong in a museum.

I forgot my glasses.
I won't even see what's happening.

It's better with your eyes closed.

I've forgotten what to say or do.

Say nothing.
Do everything.

CROUPIER: Double zero.

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, Marcello!

The news and Fotografia,

I create the text,
and then they publish in the magazine.

Like Life Magazine, Paris Match,

Esquire, Playboy.
You have seen, yes?

Oh, yes, the naked ladies.

Oh, sometimes, Lola, Sophia, Brigitte, you
know? But that's tiring business.

I like better the serious work.

The biography,
de Gaulle, Sinatra, Liz and Dick,

- Khrushchev, Truman.
- Oh, a great President.

Capote. Also great.

Oh, I envy you.

- Prego?
- Your work.

Oh, you mean,
the flying here and the racing around there

and the palaces,
the submarines, things like that, you mean?

Yes. Well, they're boring
women with boring bodies.

And tired old men with
foolish and bizarre notions.

La Dolce Vita.

Capri, the Riviera, Vegas, Hollywood.

Very sad, very nothing.

Here's looking at you, kid.

- Are you here professionally?
- Si.

- Someone famous?
- No.

The rich young girls
in their Mary Pop-out bikinis.

Nonsense.
Nudity is passe.

The rich are rude and the young are gauche.

Il articolo
that's the story, ah. Is perhaps you.

Why not?

The legend of how you say
the mature married woman.

She's exciting.
She's alluring, mysterious.

So much to give and so little to ask, huh?

Excusa, this is where I work.

You are much married, or little?

Long married.

Perhaps, I saw you in a dream, huh?

Mmm, that's nice.

A nice dream.

American husbands are so blind.

Always they wish to remember
the way love was,

but nothing is the way it was.

Not even then.

Remembering is the end of love.

Love is always now.

Why did you leave him?

Did you love him?

Ever?

- Mmm?
- Mmm?

Was there love?

In the beginning...

Oh, yes.

Before he's becoming a millionaire.

No millionaire.

- Not rich?
- Not.

Sorry, lady, wrong number.

I'm sorry to lose your lovely accent.

Oh, there's plenty more.

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT)
Would you like to hear

me say something in Cockney?

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
How's about Russian, huh?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) No, no you would
much prefer something in French?

Straight out of the movies.
They're all passable fakes, just like,

the job, the reporter bit.

This boat, it's borrowed.
And the suit I'm wearing is rented.

I didn't mind.

Lady, I'm a bum.
A hustler from LA, down on his luck.

One long run of rotten luck.

I've been like a goddamn service station

to all kinds of broads
from all over the world.

Gas 'em up,
grease their parts, charge their batteries.

Hello, good bye, service with a smile.

Who's next?

Jesus, lady, I'm 34, my hair's falling
out and you were my long shot.

For a while there,
we had something nice going.

Somethin'...

Sorry, lady, but I can't afford to waste it.

Lady, I used to be a pistol.

Bang, bang. Load, reload.

Now...

Anyhow, I got to save it, in case.

I mean, what if something
finally turned up and,

I couldn't make the scene?

Let's say we both got
the shitty end of the stick, huh?

Hey!

What for?

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Ciao, Marcello!

(SIREN WAILING)

When did she take these pills?

(CRYING) Sometime tonight.

And how many pills did she take?

I don't know.

Did she have anything
to drink with the pills?

I don't know, maybe.

Sometimes she drinks vodka.

Let's sit you up. Come on,
let's see if you can do it.

Come on, that's it, you're doin' all right.

There you are.
Now you're up.

Just stay there, now.

Vodka and Seconal.
Marriage on the rocks.

Now, I want you to open up real wide.

Get us a bucket.

Open up wide.
Now I want you to swallow this.

- Come on.
- Come on, swallow.

Just swallow.
Swallow as it goes down. Keep swallowing.

Don't inhale, just swallow.

Swallow the tube.

Come on, open up wide and swallow.

(RETCHING)

That's it, no coughing, no breathing.

I know it's bad.

All right, open up,
once more now, hold it down now.

Oh, baby. Baby!

Why did she do it, Granny, why?

- Did she leave a note?
- No.

There, now, you see,
it was just an accident, that's all.

Just an accident.

Everything's gonna be all right, you'll see.

I don't want you to worry about it at all.

MRS. SPENCER: Agnes!

- How is she?
- It was an accident.

Sure it was, honey.

Where's Mr. Wilson?

- He went to Reno.
- Reno?

Business.
I left his number for Mrs. Wilson.

You knew she was coming home?

Just in case.

What was she doing at that
health farm, anyway?

Oh, I know my girl.
It was just a silly accident, that's all.

AGNES: Is she going to be all right?

Of course, she will.

Our family's always had
perfect health. Always.

All she ever had was measles.

Nurse.

I want to see the woman, Agnes.

You need rest.

I could've been resting forever.

How do you know?

Agnes?

You look pretty good, considerin'.

I feel so stupid.

I couldn't face Marge and Mama, not now.

Oh, they're okay.
They keep saying it was an accident.

How else would anyone swallow
28 sleeping pills?

Happens to everybody.

How'd the other thing go?
The operation?

You mean, there's no difference?

You never needed a facelift.

You're the only one
who don't believe you're beautiful.

Why'd the mister let you do it?

He didn't know and he still doesn't.

I was gonna let him
think the miracle happened on the fat farm.

He'd take one look at me
and fall in love all over again.

I got back.

Nobody home.

If only somebody had been there.

I opened a bottle,

turned on the TV,

found your note,

and phoned him in Reno and...

And you found out.

You knew he was having a thing?

I take them kind of things for granted.

She's so damn beautiful.

Just available.
She just happened to be there.

Wouldn't you know
he'd do it with a client instead of a friend?

It wasn't funny a few hours ago.

It wasn't that important, either.

You'd let him get away with it?

What's he got away with?

Not even tell him you know?

Honey.

If sex was the only thing
that really mattered,

the whole world would be run by rabbits.

How about one of those
marriage counselors?

Honey, we don't have
that kind of a problem.

Maybe a psychiatrist.
Ethel went to one.

Now, now that is definitely out.

The only thing wrong with us is...

- Is me.
- And me.

You know, honey, what I think you
need is some kind of a hobby.

Painting, ceramics or...

How about karate?

(LAUGHS)

Anyway, in a couple of years
Marge is gonna be married

and we're gonna be free.

Free to do what?

Free to do the things we want to do.

Travel.

What am I talking about
"A couple of years"?

This weekend,
we're gonna go on a second honeymoon.

Back to the same place?

ANNOUNCER 1: ...demonstrators in trouble.

Eyewitness student reporter,
Danfield, again, has a report

from outside that Superior courtroom.

Three members of the Black Student Union

at Cal State College at Los Angeles...

"For everything, there is a season

"A time to be born and a time to die

"A time to love and a time to hate

"A time of war and a time of peace"

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

Daddy!

Beautiful.
Look at her lines.

Great in bed, too.

"Do you hate your skin?"

"Why, wrinkle?"

"Inside she was crying
till she lost 105 pounds."

105 pounds?

"Are you tired, depressed,
defeated?"

Not me kid.

When I wake up in the
morning, I'm already ahead of the game.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Alexander?

Mr. Wilson, please. Mrs. Wilson.

I see.
Ah, is he busy for lunch?

I see.

Is he busy after lunch?

I see.

No. No message.

(SIGHS)

Blah.

That's what I got.

I got the blahs.

It's a perfect day for it.

If you're an Aquarius,

"Ideal day to be creative.
Do things."

America! America!

God shed His grace on thee

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea

WOMAN 1: This is natural
Creole mink.

It's a rare color,
It's a very new shade, indeed, this year.

A deep brown and black.

The lines are worked
horizontally. Worked up and down.

The skins are from Colorado, by the way.

WOMAN 2: This is a gold
chiffon evening dress.

It comes with a matching floor-length coat...

My Creole mink, please.

Thank you for calling.

What the hell are you?
Crazy?

$11,421 for clothes.

In one day?

Where's the money coming from?

Well, answer me!

(HICCUPPING)

There'll be no more charging.
No checks. No credit, do you understand?

Do you understand?
Now, take that off!

Which of this stuff is yours?

I said take it off!

(DOOR SLAMS)

MARY: Charlie!

Again, please.

What are you doing the rest of your life?

Out of ten.

North and south
and east and west of your life?

I have only one request of your life

(PHONE RINGING)

That you spend it all with me

All the seasons and the times of your days

All the nickels and the dimes of your days

Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days

All begin and end with me

I want to see your face in every kind of light

In fields of dawn and forests of the night

And when you stand before
the candles on a cake

Oh, let me be the one

To hear the silent wish you make

Those tomorrows

Waiting deep in your eyes

In the world of love you keep in your eyes

I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes

It may take a kiss or two

Through all of my life

Summer, winter, spring and fall of my life

All I ever will recall of my life

MAN: Hey, Fred,
how've you been? Good to see ya.

Is all of my life

With you

Mrs. Wilson, I want you to walk this line.

Heel-to-toe, heel-to-toe, heel-to-toe.

All the way down to the end,
turn around, walk back.

Come back into the box
and face this black line.

Ma'am, stand up straight, please.

Stand up straight.

Heel-to-toe.

Turn around and come back, please.

You're being recorded
and filmed for possible use in court.

Heel-to-toe.

(CRYING)

(RETCHING)

(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)

I'm forgiven.
My credit card.

Nice.

- Where's Sam?
- Gone.

Kind of sudden, isn't it?

I never ask why he's going
or where he's been.

His business comes first, his family second.

I'm third.

Never expect to see him holidays,

that's when he plays Daddy.

Never call his home, no matter what.

Never knock his wife.

Never say "no."

But when he is with me, it's because he
wants to be and not because he has to.

What do you do between times?

I go to school.
Day School. Night School.

All I do is go to school.

I can name the 50 States and their capitals.

Madagascar is an island
off the east coast ofAfrica.

I'm the best-informed trollop in America.

Fact, I know exactly where I've been.

Fact, I'm damned if
I know where I'm at or where I'm going.

They say you never
know a man till you sleep with him.

Whoever said that?

Nobody knows anybody.

Oh, we can fly to the moon, all right,

but we don't know
the first thing about marriage

or even why we fall in love.

Why do we say, "fall in love"?

What is it, a fall from grace or something?

Want to know the truth?

The truth is,
nobody wants to know the truth.

FLO: But I do.

FRANCO: Bellaccia. Bellissima.

Tell me, you are, ah, much married or little?

Yes, tonight?
Tonight I think I show you where I work.

We're getting married.

Oh, Flo!

I've got to try it.

Once, anyway.

Am I crazy?

People in love are crazy.

Oh, boy.

Am I crazy?

What about her?
Sam's...

She gets the house,
insurance, cash, alimony,

even if she marries the man
she's living with.

Have we really got a chance?

Oh, a lot of people make it.

How do I make it last?

I wish I knew.

You're a lucky man.

Thanks for everything.

SAM: Where're you going?

Home.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCLY ON PA)

Whatever you did, it did you good.

Sure you want to go through with this?

I'm sure.

AGNES: Got you two rooms
and a bath. Six-month lease.

I'll move the rest of your
clothes over tomorrow.

MARY: How did they take it?

Kind of shook 'em up.

Marge ain't made a phone call since.

I'll bet.

Mr. Wilson comes home early
and mopes around.

They babysit each other.

And Mama?

A tiger.
Waitin' to cross-examine.

Why?
Give me one good reason why.

It's better this way.

Better? Who for?

To break up a home is better?

Better than what?

What's he done?

Kill somebody?
Rob a bank? What?

He was a good father.

A good husband.
He loves you.

Is that a reason to leave home?

We're not happy.

What kind of happy?

Who's happy all the time?

You were.

Who said so?

You and Papa were perfect together.

Perfect till the day he died.

Like a storybook.

That's where marriage is perfect.

In a storybook.

Your father was not perfect!

And I wasn't half as good.

I never heard an angry word.

A game we played

for your benefit.

Would you excuse me, please?

Oh, Mama, Mama.

I love you.
I love you both.

Hi.

Never knew night school
did such big business.

Mostly women trying to keep
up with their husbands.

There's a lot you can't learn
in Dr. Spock or a cookbook.

How's it feel to be one of the working class?

What do you think I've been for 16 years?

Most women are satisfied
to be housewives.

Or pretend to be.

Don't you get lonely?

Sometimes.

Very.

Almost as lonely as when we were together.

What happened, anyway?

We had everything going for us.

No war to keep us apart. No mother-in-law
problem. No money problem.

No sex problem.

So what happened?

Was it just that we got married?

It can't be that marriage puts an end to love.

All our friends are married
and they're happy.

Or seem to be.

All right, they put up with it.

But without marriage,
life would be disorganized, crazy.

People in love are crazy.

Yes, but they grow up.
They adjust, settle down.

Perhaps they just settle.

Surrender.

Is that why you ran away?

For love?

Is there someone else?

Do I know him?

That is the most romantic
thing you've said in years.

To me, anyway.

Was that what happened?

That night at the hospital,

the sleeping pills,

when I was in Reno.

But you never said anything.

Neither did you.

But you loved me after that.

I still do.

If we both feel the same way,
that's all that matters.

It matters most, yes.

But it's not all.
And it's not enough.

Hey!

I love you same as ever.

We're not the same anymore.

Come home.

If right now we were not married,

if you were free, would you marry me again?