Original subtitles

- For anyone who hasn't already downloaded

the Zephra employee app, you need to.

There's a bunch of cool features.

For one, you get points for helping customers--

- Ooh, I want points.

- Ooh, me too. - What do points do?

- Looks like ten points get you a badge,

and ten badges get you a banner.

- Ooh. - And what do banners get you?

- I don't know, Jonah, the moon.

God, ten times a day with this guy.

"What do banners get you?"

- It also uses your location data

to automatically clock you in

when you enter the store, so no need to swipe in

in the mornings anymore. - Really?

[gasps] Hello, extra half-hour of sleep!

- Extra half-hour? Glenn, what is your

clock-in process? - Oh, it's very involved.

- Can we all talk about whether it's an invasion of privacy

for Zephra to force us to download something

that can track our phones?

- Do we have to? - Who cares?

- No, thank you. - That's kinda boring.

- That's what every app does.

- Great debate, guys. It's very useful.

- Also there's a product locator, an inventory map,

and, uh, oh-- your Z-Shelf comes with

the CEO's autobiography and an audio version

read by Emily Deschanel from "Bones."

- Wow. - What?

- Love her. - I'm a total "Bones"-head.

- How are we supposed to use any of this stuff

when we're not even allowed to have our phones on the floor?

- The new policy says that you can have your phones now.

In fact, you are expected to carry them.

- [gasps]

- Holy [bleep].

[laughter] - I am so happy right now.

- So to reiterate, we must download an app that can

track our phones, and then we must carry

our phones at all times.

And everybody here is just, like, fine with that?

- Yes. - Pretty much.

- Yeah. - What's the problem?

- [scoffs] - "Who Run the World? Me"

by Kira Moon. Read by Emily Deschanel.

- [sighs] - I could listen to that lady

read the phone book.

- I had nothing but a seed loan from my father...

[upbeat music]

♪

[lively music]

- I linked the app to my Facebook and checking accounts.

I got the Super Sharer badge. - [sighs]

- [chuckles] You hate this, don't you?

- I just don't love handing giant corporations a way

to get my address, my contacts, and all of my passwords.

- I already gave all of that up to figure out which cat

from "Cats" I am.

Macavity, the magical one. - What do you think

they're gonna do with that information, anyway?

- A lot.

They can track what you do, what you like.

They can scan your internet searches for keywords

and then just send you ads for things you were talking about.

- That just seems thoughtful. - Yeah, but then they can just

package your data and sell it to other companies.

- And then those companies would give you the free help?

- I'm--I'm not doing it justice.

- So you think you're so fascinating that Zephra's

dying to learn which Beach House album

you just preordered?

- Ah, the "I've got nothing to hide" argument.

Where have I heard that before? - Bible camp.

"In Christ I have nothing to hide, nothing to prove,

nothing to fear, nothing to lose."

- Hmm, is that where you heard it, Jonah? Bible camp?

- Maybe.

- Hey, this cartoon thing you sent me.

Is it supposed to be you or, like, a depressing,

aged-up Dora?

- No, it's me.

You can design your own avatar on the app.

- And the purple streak in your hair?

- Well, yeah, that's just for fun.

To see what it would look like. I mean, it's not like I could

actually pull that off in real life, right?

- Oh, yeah, definitely.

- Yeah. Look, I can make you one.

- Oh, knock yourself out.

I never got into the whole texting fad.

- Really? You've texted me. - Yeah, to convey information,

but, like, sending someone a little picture or something?

It's, like, what's the point?

- Well, sometimes you just feel like sending someone an emoji

or, like, a GIF from a movie.

- Why? Why would you do that to someone?

- Okay, never mind. Here, look.

- Huh. Oh, that does kinda look like me.

- Yeah, and you can change the facial expressions.

- Whoa, I can change my race. - Yes, but you shouldn't.

That's-- - See, I knew it.

People are always telling me

I'd be a beautiful Indian woman.

- You should really change that back, Dina.

Who--who--who says that?

- ♪ Say to me, whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

[tapping glass]

♪ I'll always be there when you wake ♪

- Every time you take a trip back and forth

to the stock room, you earn points.

I'm already at "Stockroom Fiend."

- Well, I'm a "Stockroom Rockstar."

If I ever get "Stockroom Fiend" again, kill me.

- [chuckles] Seriously.

- If you click on the little clock on the bottom,

it tells you how much time you have left on your break.

- Wait, what? - Yup. Eight minutes.

- Mine says six.

- Wait, they're timing our breaks now?

- How do they even know that we're in the break room?

- Hold on. - It's GPS probably.

I bet it's GPS.

- So we're only allowed to be in the break room

if we're actually on break now?

- Okay, it stops counting out here.

- This isn't even a break. This is just...

unofficial break room time.

- And now it's counting down again.

- GPS. Global Positioning System.

- You can't fit a whole 15-minute break

into just 15 minutes.

- I can't relax if I know I'm being timed.

It's too much pressure.

- Stopped. Started. Stopped.

- So what if we leave our phones outside the break room?

That way they won't know when we're in here.

- A break without your phone? - Do you hear yourself?

- Jesus, Justine, either help or keep quiet.

- Now it's stopped again.

I'm 70% sure this is what it is.

- My man, I made something for you.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, try it on.

- What--what am I looking at here?

- It's a hat lined with tin foil

so Zephra can't hack into your thoughts.

- Okay, all right, I get it. So I'm just some sort of, like,

wacko conspiracy theorist for thinking that

a tech conglomerate just might want to check out

its employees' phone activity. - Shh.

The lizard people are all around us; they'll hear you.

Sorry, buddy. Not you. You look totally normal.

- Okay, so you're so sure that nobody's looking

you wouldn't mind if I took your phone and just, like,

Googled a bunch of weird porn or something?

- [laughs] Be my guest.

If you think I haven't Googled weird porn,

you're in for a treat. - Okay, all right, fine.

Then what if I, uh, what if I wrote

"How to murder my coworkers"?

- Doesn't bother me. - You sure? 'Cause I--

'Cause I'm doing it. - Go for it.

- Okay, I'm--here we go. It's--I'm--I'm typing it.

- Type it. - Into your phone right now.

- Great. - Got it all queued up.

- Okay. - Ready to send.

- Send it. - I'm gonna send it.

- Press it. - Pressing it.

- There you go. - Boom.

- And I'm still here.

- Well, no one was saying you would, like,

immediately disappear. - Yeah, no, I know that.

I was just trying to add some flair.

- We got hit with a ton of graffiti

that we have to remove.

I'm not sure if it was a bunch

of different people... [cell phone chimes]

Or just one guy with a lot of range.

Sorry. Text from Dina.

"Heads up, spill in Produce,"

with her avatar surfing on a banana.

- Ooh, 'cause Produce! - Yup, I'm guessing so.

At any rate, they spray painted a pentagram in Toys & Games,

which I've just been telling the parents

is a "Frozen" thing, so. [cell phone chimes]

Sorry. [cell phone chimes]

- Apple emoji, orange emoji, grapes emoji...

- She's good at this. - Yeah.

- Hey, Amy, ignore the baseball.

I thought it was a shelled coconut.

- All good. Just, uh, trying to get through

some assignments here.

- Got it. - Okay.

Okay, um, where was I? Uh...

Oh, right--also, they spray painted "Greta is God"

in the changing rooms, now-- [cell phone chimes]

Um, I'm not sure if they meant Gerwig or Thunberg,

but not that it matters. [cell phone chimes]

What I need is for you-- - Amy!

Check your phone! This is a good one!

- It's a meme of Indiana Jones cracking his whip.

- It's you, the boss! Apparently, it's from a movie!

- Wow, generations have changed, huh?

If it were me, I'd find that incredibly annoying.

[cell phone chimes]

.

- It's obviously toothbrushes.

- Or is it teethbrush? Like attorneys general?

[cell phone buzzes]

Are you gonna answer any of those?

- [sighs] It's Dina.

She won't stop texting.

- It is crazy how people act like the rules of human decency

don't apply in the digital space, especially be--

you're not listening. - Yeah, I'm sorry,

I can only feign interest in one conversation at a time.

Everything's in caps. And when she sends

a long message, she sends each word individually.

- Maybe you should just mute her.

- You can mute people? - Yeah, it's right here

in the settings.

- Ooh, that's a game changer. - Boom.

- I mean, I feel kinda bad, but it's too much.

- While we're at it, do you maybe wanna change

your passcode to something besides "0000"?

- Eh, if I did, I'd have to change it on my debit card too.

- I know that's a joke. Right?

- Not telling.

- Hey, man.

How's stuff been going with you lately?

Anything new? - No, not really.

- What are you writing? A note to someone?

- No, I'm just doodling. - Oh, yeah, nice.

Looks good, man. You're talented.

Well, hey, I should get back to it.

But I'm right over there if there's any issues or anything.

- What issues?

- Well, I mean, not like "issues," but, like,

if you need to talk or tell me something,

or something happens or whatever...

I'm around.

- Yeah, okay, thanks. - No doubt.

- Sandra, did you catch that? - Yeah.

Listened to the entire thing. I'm always listening.

- Well, did it sound weird to you?

He's never talked to me before. - I don't know.

A lot of people have never talked to me before.

[all shivering]

- I didn't know people took their breaks out here.

- Mainly just smokers.

Usually cigarettes, but sometimes crack.

- Oh, I would do anything for some crack right now.

Just for the warmth.

- Well, the important thing is we're not being timed.

So, you know, we can just sit back and relax.

[all sighing]

- I'm so fricking cold. - I know.

- I can't feel my hands. - I'm also having a bad time.

- [groans] - It's not that bad.

We're outside, the sun is shining...

- [groans] - I mean, it's not shining,

but whatever. It's up there.

- We should warm up by combining body heat.

[exhales] Do you guys wanna press up

against each other?

- I'm going inside. - Me too.

[all shivering]

- [sighs]

- Hey, did you get the link I texted you?

- Uh, the link?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was funny.

- Oh, what was it? It-- some rando emailed it to me.

I was nervous it was a virus or something.

- Um, I'm trying to remember.

You know, my brain is foggy. Amy need coffee.

Want caffeine. [grunts]

[laughs] - I'm not sure what that was,

but it is not banter-ready.

- W-What are you doing? - 0000.

- How do you know my password? - I'm looking for that link.

Are you not getting all my texts?

- Uh, maybe not.

You know, the service around here is spotty.

- Why does it say "mute" next to my name?

- Huh?

- Says "mute" next to my name.

- Oh, um, yeah. Uh, so you were--

you were texting me a lot,

um, and my phone just kept dinging and I couldn't really

get my work done, so I just temporarily muted you.

- You--you muted me? - Temporarily.

- Wow. [scoffs]

Didn't realize I was so annoying.

Maybe I should just sell my voice to a sea witch,

become nothing but a pretty, pretty face.

- N-no, Dina, come on. It's not like that.

- Wait, so you didn't get my security memo

about the Chafies?

- Chafies? - Yes.

The fuel cans that caterers use?

Teens are drinking them to get high.

We have to put out red label warnings.

- Red label warnings?

Dina, you can't just text me something like that.

We could get in a lot of trouble.

- Yeah, I know, that's why I added my avatar like this.

I thought it was screaming, but I guess I was silent,

because you muted me. You took away my voice.

- Okay, well-- that's dramatic.

- So by that logic, it wouldn't be a box of toothpicks,

it would be a box of teeth-pick?

- No, no, because well--

[stammers] Yeah, maybe.

- Yo, somebody broke into my locker.

- What? - Did they take anything?

- No, doesn't look like it. Just looks like they

went through everything. - Huh.

- You don't think this is because of the Google search,

do you?

- N-no. I mean, I--

[exhales] I don't think.

- Sal used to break into people's lockers.

But usually just to lick their stuff.

- Yeah, that's probably it.

- Wanna know a secret? - Always.

- I'm the one that broke into his locker.

- Oh. [chuckles]

You're a locker-licker too?

- No, no, it was revenge for acting like I'm the crazy one.

- Oh. - Yeah, I even got Ken

to act weird around him too.

- Oh, this is genius. - [laughs]

- Can I help? I'm never on the happy end of a prank.

- It's not a prank. More like gaslighting.

But, uh, yeah, sure, whatever.

- Yes! Revenge of the losers!

- Oh, we don't have to call it that.

[laughs] - You got it, buddy.

- Apparently, teens are drinking the slushie stuff

inside of these for the alcohol.

So starting now, if anybody buys one of these

without a warning and they die, we're liable.

- Actually, starting an hour ago.

We're a little delayed because Amy was busy mean-girling me.

- I really think you're blowing this out of proportion.

- I think I'm blowing it into proportion.

- What if someone already bought those,

but without a warning?

'Cause I just sold six 24-packs to a teenager.

- A teenager bought 144 cans of chafing fuel,

and you didn't think that was suspicious?

- I thought it was incredibly suspicious!

That's why I remembered.

But look, he was on a skateboard.

You can probably still catch him.

- Well, we can try. Come on, Dina.

- Wow, first you mute me, then you kill a child.

Busy day for you. - Nobody's dying.

- She said as the child dies.

.

- Do you see anybody? Ooh, what about that guy?

Oh, no, that's just a bag of leaves.

Kinda looked like a person though, huh?

Hello?

Oh, right.

'Cause I muted you. Got it.

You made your point.

[sighs]

- And so then I said to her,

"You're the one who just got a raise.

Why don't you buy the dryer balls?"

- Yeah, man, uh, I'm cool to show you in silence.

- Thanks, but I need to get this out.

And let me tell you, that is not what she wanted to hear.

So she starts in with,

"You're just threatened by a woman--"

- Hold on a sec.

What the hell? - Oh, cool.

Is this racism? - No.

And don't be so excited about it.

- Sorry.

- We're going back, yeah, yeah. And front, stop, turn around--

oh, yeah, I can go that way too, buddy.

- Jonah, you are the new prank king.

- Again, it--it's not a prank. I'm--I'm teaching Garrett

a lesson.

- We're gonna be legends after this.

"Jonah and the Kid" I bet they'll call us.

- Uh-huh.

- [breathing heavily]

Oh. Everyone's in the men's room.

Even some ladies. - The app can't track us here.

- Okay, I'm just gonna--

- You know, I actually prefer this to the break room.

- Excuse me. - It's cozier,

the lighting's better, there's a nice little echo.

Whoa, whoops.

- Yeah, I just wish it didn't smell so much like farts.

- The break room smelled like farts.

- Yeah, but you didn't know if that was from actual farts.

You could just tell yourself it was someone's gumbo

or something.

- How's the peeing going? - Fine.

- Really? I can't hear anything.

- Guys, I don't think this is working, either.

- Nope.

- Do you guys look? 'Cause I would totally look.

- [clicks tongue]

Maybe we should do another lap around the park?

'Cause teens still drink in the park, huh?

It's what they do, still? [laughs]

[cell phone chimes]

- Oh, so you do read your texts.

- I'm sorry, it's Jonah. I thought it was important.

- And what did that androgynous sex robot say

that was so important you needed to read it

while driving?

- "Getting Garrett good." With a GIF of Nancy Pelosi

clapping from the Speaker's chair.

- Mmm. Totally worth dying for that.

- Dina, I am sorry, but you were texting me so much

that I couldn't even do my work!

- You could've just said,

"Dina, you're texting too much!"

- Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

And the moment anyone tries to criticize you,

you just explode.

- Well, at least people know where they stand with me, okay?

I don't pretend to be somebody's friend

and then secretly shut them out.

It's called honesty. - Oh, is it honest, Dina,

or is it just you treating people like garbage

and calling it a virtue?

- Oh, you're so pathetic.

You're so worried about having everyone's approval.

I don't care if people like me.

- Well, good, because nobody does.

[guffaws]

- [sighs]

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that. I--

Can we-- - Watch out, watch out!

- Oh, my God!

What did I just hit? - We hit a goose.

- Oh, thank God.

- We hit a goose.

[Haddaway's "What is Love" playing]

- ♪ What is wrong

♪ What is wrong

♪ Give me a sign

♪ What is love?

[Muzak playing]

- Hey, man. - [startled grunt]

- Wow, wound a little tightly there, buddy.

Everything all right? - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.

No, you know what? Uh, everything's not all right.

I think they're spying on our phones.

- What? I thought you said I was the paranoid one.

- I thought you were, but then they started

following me around; they started searching my stuff.

That woman in the café

who's pretending to read the newspaper?

Nobody reads newspapers anymore.

- I do. - No, you don't.

You say you do, but you don't. - Guys.

Something crazy is happening.

There are men in black suits swarming the parking lot,

saying things like, "Quantico, this is Daniels"

and "Uncle Phil is on the move, I repeat,

Uncle Phil is on the move."

- Wow, that is too crazy.

- The only question is, who is Uncle Phil?

Probably someone that looks like Uncle Phil.

- It's me! I look like Uncle Phil!

Man, why'd you do that stupid Google search?!

- Whoa, calm down. - No, I'm not gonna calm down.

You calm down. You're always starting stuff!

"Hey, Garrett, let's Google how to murder somebody."

Well, you happy now? What's next?

"Hey, Garrett, let's tell Zephra to email the police

and tell them I just planted a bomb in the store!"

[cell phone chimes] - Emailing local police.

"I just planted a bomb in the store."

- Oh. - Would you like to send?

- N-- - Yes.

- What? - No!

- Okay, I've sent your email.

- Why?

- I just always say yes.

.

- It's mating season.

Her gander must be worried sick.

- How do you know it's a she?

- The undercarriage. The neck.

The feather loss on the back of her head

where her mate pinned her down during penetration.

- Okay.

[inhales, exhales deeply]

Dina, I am sorry that I said nobody likes you.

That's just not true.

I-- - It's okay.

I overreacted to the whole muting thing.

I just had a really hard year.

My birds flew away.

my dad turned out to be a big nothing.

I can't even remember the last time I had a boyfriend.

Even Sandra got married. Who saw that coming?

- Yeah, but she married Jerry, so...

- Yeah, I recognize that.

How does it work with geese?

Do you think I can just have this?

- Um, I-- I don't know.

I--I would ask.

- Do you understand how badly this could have gone?

People could have been shot.

- Again, we are so, so sorry.

- Yeah, I guess this is what happens

when someone who doesn't know how to do a prank

tries to do a prank.

- Not a prank. It was comeuppance.

It was an attempted comeuppance.

- People go to jail for this kind of thing.

- Jonah was the ringleader.

- Seriously? - I was intimidated.

I'm a very weak person.

- I'm gonna let you off with a warning this time.

But in the future,

you should never joke about bombs.

- Right, sorry. Yeah, no, I--

I thought that was just airplanes.

- It's everywhere. - It's everywhere, Jonah.

[Tommy Melody's "Sweet Love" playing]

♪

- ♪ Sweet love

- So then, okay, we got to the restaurant--

- Three minutes left.

- Sweetie, I need to know if this is going somewhere.

- It is! Okay, so then we get into our booth

and you won't believe who we saw.

- We will believe it. Just hurry up and say it.

- Okay, just give me a second!

- We don't have a second.

- Two minutes, 30 seconds!

- Just jump to the end!

- Fine! We get back to the party,

Tish had my necklace,

and K-Fai is making out with Greg!

- Who the hell is Greg?!

- You would know if you didn't make me

skip to the end of the story!

- Oh, my God.

- Her heartbeat is stable, so that's good.

- She drank some water in the car,

which gives me hope for her stomach.

- She might have a broken leg, so...

I'd like to get an X-ray while she's still sedated.

- [snorts] An X-ray for a goose?

How much is that gonna cost?

- It'll probably be about $250.

- $250?!

That's like ten giant buckets of KFC.

Sorry, that sounded really callous.

I don't hate animals.

- Yeah, well, most people who hit geese

don't even get out of their cars,

much less bring them to me,

so it's actually nice to see.

- Well, I used to have 16 birds,

so I guess you could call me a softie.

- 16?

Wow, you do not look like someone

who would have that many birds.

- The [bleep] is that supposed to mean?

- [stammers] Nothing.

Sorry, I meant to say that I also have

a lot of birds,

and when women

come in here with a lot of birds,

they're usually older or not as attractive.

I am so sorry

that I said that.

I'm gonna write up the X-ray thing--

try to do it very soon...

- Uh, and your wife?

Or girlfriend, what does she think about all your birds?

- Oh, I'm single.

- What about the dudes you meet on message boards

and then bring home to bone?

Do they like the birds?

- I'm not gay.

But I assume gay people also like birds.

Okay, so, radiograph of a goose

hit by car...

not driver's fault.

- Um, [stammers] I'm gonna go make a call

to my insurance company and see if they

cover bird X-rays.

- Oh, they don't.

- Well, I'm gonna go do something else then.

- She's probably actually gonna just take a giant dump.

[chuckles]

Anyway, uh,

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to...

walk me through the spaying process?

It's just something I've always been interested in.

- Yeah, for sure.