Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, he's open!

Yes! Yes! All right. Yes.

Yeah.

All right, everybody. All hands on deck.

Time to take Carol to the hospital.

Hospital? Oh, man, the baby's coming?

Dude, I got to get this on film. [CHUCKLES]

Come on, everybody.

But, Dad, the Bucks just went into overtime.

Can't she just cross her legs and hold it in?

JT, son, let me explain something to you here.

Hmm. [GROANING]

Now.

Coming, Dad. Good, boy.

Okay, Al, Brendan, grab the suitcases.I'll get Dana and Karen.

Yeah. Okay. JT, take everybody in the car.

And I'm taking Carol to the hospital in the truck. Okay?

Don't worry, Carol. I got plenty of film here, all right?

You could be in labor for up to thirty-six hours,

I'll get the whole ragin' thing on Memorex.

[LAUGHS] Yeah. Uh, Cody, we're in a bit of a hurry, here. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Everybody watch out. Okay here we go.

Cool. Hey, I'm gonna strap myself to the hood

and get some action shots on the way.

All right, let's go. Come on. Go, go, go.

Okay, okay, we're ready to go.

JT? Guys?

[CAR STARTING] Where are they?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

No, no. He wouldn't dare. Not even JT.

They left without us.

Okay...

I'm gonna hurt him.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Paging Lori Anderson. Health care four.

Geez, we've been here an hour.

How long does it take to have a baby?

How should I know? Do I look like a chick?

We've got the hallway to Carol's hospital.

We've got patients walking back and forth. Yeah.

Hey, dude.

You might want to hold the back of that gown closed, man.

Unless you want somebody to park their bike there.

Hey, here we got the Lamberts,

anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new little brother or sister.

[LAUGHS]

And over here, we got the Fosters...

Dude?

Where's Dana-burger and company?

ANNOUNCER: Dr. Starnes. Dr. James T. Starnes to emergency, STAT.

[SIGHS]

JT.

You sub-human, inconsiderate pig.

Here they are.

How could you leave without us?

Yeah, Frank said you were supposed to drive everybody else.

Oh, see, I thought he meant everybody else I liked.

Yeah, who wants to hang out with you geeks anyway?

Pipe down, you little twerp.

Don't call him a twerp, dork.

Hi-ya!

Back off, Missy.

I took a self defense class and I can snap your neck like a chicken bone.

Take your best shot, Barbie. This is gonna be your last.

Hi-ya...

All right, all right, all right. That's enough. That's it. Break it up, okay?

Man, you guys. [SCOFFS]

This is supposed to be the happiest day of your lives.

Forget it, Cody.

There hasn't been a happy day since these Lambert goobers first moved in.

Yep.

September 20, 1991.

The day the music died.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Well, well, well. Frank Lambert. [CHUCKLES]

Long time no see.

Oh, come on in.

Uh, kids, come on, come on.

These are my kids. Uh, Karen and Mark.

And these are mine. Al, Brendan and JT.

Say "Hi," kids. ALL: Hi.

Oh, and here's Dana.

[GASPS] You.

Oh, my God. It's the rat boy.

Mother, this cretin put a dead rat in my locker.

The rat was alive when I put him in there.

Your gym socks must have killed him.

Hey, great. You two already know each other.

I'll tell you what. Why don't all you kids go on out back

and talk about what is obviously a pretty darn interesting story. Come on.

Children, time to eat.

KAREN: [SHRIEKING] Mother!

What?

What is it?

Mom, look what that midget did to my dress.

Well, what? I don't see anything.

There. She squirted ketchup all over me.

Oh, lighten up. It was an accident.

If I wanted to get it all over you, I'd have done this.

[GASPS]

Stop it, you little criminal!

Hey, don't call my sister a criminal, jerk face.

[SCREAMING]

You people are savages.

Can't you argue without throwing food?

[ALL SCREAMING]

Ah, yes.

Dining with the Lamberts. Always a four star experience.

Oh, right. Like it's real fun waking up to your dog breath every morning.

You guys have been fighting for like four years.

Don't you think it's time to bury the hatchet, huh?

Smoke the peace pipe,

get on board the love train? [CHUCKLES]

Maybe. But I still don't trust her with ketchup in her hand.

Relax, Karen, it's empty. See?

[SCREAMS]

At least, I, I thought it was empty.

It's empty now. [LAUGHS]

Here we go, cleansing breath, now.[INHALING]

Good girl. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Honey, here you go, now.

Here's an ice chip for you. [MOANS]

Oh, thanks. [LAUGHS] You're welecome.

Sorry I'm late, but the Bucks went into overtime,

and I, uh, couldn't take my eyes off of that Glen Robinson.

Oh, with a butt like that, he's worth every penny of that sixty-eight million.

She's only dilated three centimeters, Dr. Postley.

We've got a long way to go. Okay.

So how are you doing, Carol? Oh, I'm fine. [NERVOUS CHUCKLES]

Good. Would you like to meet your anesthesiologist now?

Oh, no, no, no, no. We won't be needing him, doctor.

Frank and I have discussed this

and we have decided we are going to have a completely natural childbirth.

Haven't we, Frank?

Um, are you sure about that?

Oh, absolutely. No drugs. No anesthetic.

I'm handling the pain just fine. [NERVOUS CHUCKLES]

Well, honey, you're only at a three, you haven't felt real pain yet.

I haven't?

Oh, honey, look.

I think another contraction's coming.[BLOWING]

Whoa, this sucker's gonna be a big one. [LAUGHS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Just breathe, now, huh?

Okay, okay, breathe.

I'm okay. You're okay.

I'm okay. You're okay.

I'm okay... You're okay.

[YELLS] I'm not okay. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. You can do this, honey.

Here. You want some ice chips?No, I want drugs!

No, you don't. [PANTING]

Yes I do! I want drugs!

But honey... Drugs!

Remember, natural childbirth.

Drugs now! [SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

I think we'd like to meet the anesthesiologist, now.

And maybe somebody to sew my ear back on, huh?

Nurse, could you get Dr. Winefield?

Right away, doctor. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Breathe, breathe. All right, all right.

Okay, honey. Come on, Carol.

Come on, don't forget to breathe.[MOANING]

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Carol.

Just breathe. Breathe.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's good, honey. That's good.

You're doing excellent work.

Okay. [EXHALING]

Okay. [LAUGHS WEAKLY]

Hi, I'm Dr. Winefield. I'll be your anesthesiologist.

What's he doing here?

You asked for drugs, honey.

Frank, that was not me talking, that was the pain talking.

Well, honey, Mr. Pain was using your voice.

Frank, you're supposed to be strong enough to stand up to me.

Okay, okay, I'll be strong. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. We won't be needing you, Dr. Winefield.

And we don't need you or your drugs.

Very well.

I wouldn't go too far.

Okay, Carol. Yeah, yeah.

Take some deep breaths because the really big contractions will start soon.

[STAMMERING] The, the really big ones?[INHALING]

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, okay, here we go.[MOANING]

It's gonna be okay, honey. [SCREAMING]

Oh, my God!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Doctor Hallin. Doctor Hallin. Dial five-two.

Dr. Covington, you're wanted in Maternity.

Dr. Covington to Maternity.

Attention, doctors,

if one of you is single and owns a new Mercedes or BMW convertible,

please report to the Maternity Waiting Room, STAT.

[SCOFFS] Karen,

this is a hospital, not Love Connection.

Anyway, you don't even know what "STAT" means.

[CHUCKLES] Who cares?

Whenever they say it on ER, George Clooney comes running. [CHUCKLES]

[GROANING]

[YELLING]

Good, okay.

Breathe. [BREATHING LOUDLY]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Good girl. All right.

Carol, you're doing great. Oh, good.

All right. Now, I gotta go down the hall and check on a patient.

If you need me, just use the intercom next to your pillow, okay?

Okay. All right. Good girl.

You're doing a great job. I love you so much

Oh, I love you, too, Frank. [GROANING]

Oh, brace yourself. Here comes another contraction.

[YELLING] Oh, my God!

[SCREAMING]

You did this to me. I know.

It's your baby! I know.

Get it out!

Now, remember, we love each other.

Shut up, pretty boy.

I want drugs!

No, no, you don't want drugs.

The hell I don't.

[GROANING] Carol, one of us has to be strong.

Yeah. Well remember that vasectomy we talked about?Yeah.

How'd ya' like it right now?

[SCREAMING] Code blue, code blue. My wife needs drugs!

Get in here. Now, now, now!

What's the problem?

She threatened me with a do-it-yourself vasectomy.

Nurse, get Dr. Winefield.

Good going, honey. [MOANING]

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, Carol.Just breathe.

[GROANING] Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Good girl.

Frank. Oh, Frank.

Oh, Frank, that was the worst one yet.

I know. Hang on, honey. But help's on the way.

What do you mean, "help?"

Well, Dr. Winefield is coming to give you something for the pain.

The drug guy?

That's what you asked for.

Frank Lambert, you spineless noodle of a man.

How many times do I have to tell you, I don't want drugs?

[SIGHING IN EXHAUSTION]

You know, I really liked this birth thing better in the old days

when the men just hung out in the bar around the corner.

Frank, could I just have a word with Carol?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll just step off the battlefield and get a cup of coffee.

Yeah, get out of here!

[SIGHING IN EXHAUSTION]

Carol... What?

Why is it so important for you to have this baby without pain medication?

Because I want to be present for every moment of this baby's birth.

Oh!

You're gonna be present. I can guarantee that.

You'll be real present.

But, honey, you seem to be under the impression that you need to be in agony.

Yeah, well, isn't it better for the baby if I don't take anything?

Not necessarily.

And If you're exhausted and in a lot of pain

that's not good for the baby when it comes time to deliver.

Oh, well, I really wanted to have this baby naturally.

Carol, the only way this baby will not be born naturally

Is if it comes out your nose.

Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt if I...

Took a little something for the pain,

Absolutely not.

So, we'll give you an epidural. It's perfectly safe for you

and it won't hurt the baby one bit.

Okay. Okay?

Mmm-hmm. Okay, good girl.

Okay.

How, how we doing, honey?

Oh, I'm okay. I decided I'll just take a little something for the pain.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Does somebody want drugs in here?

Oh, yeah. But you better hook her up first, okay?

Don't worry. In a few minutes, you won't feel a thing.

Oh, God bless you. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Shoot it. Shoot it. He's gonna shoot. Ah, he's not gonna shoot yet.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Checks Brendan into the glass. He shoots.

It's deflected, but he gets the puck.

With one minute left in the final game of the Stanley Cup,

he shoots... [GRUNTS]

Oh, he scores! [ALL LAUGHING]

JT Lambert wins the Stanley Cup.

Yes, yes, yes!

You did that on purpose.

No, I didn't. I was just trying to score a goal.

Hitting you in the face was a bonus.

I've got an idea.

Why don't you go down to the morgue and take a nap?

Just shut up, Dana.

[SCOFFS] Oh, snappy comeback.

Oh, snappy comeback. Why don't you go snap your your bra.

You know what? I am so sick of you and your...

You're so sick of everything. ...whole lowbrow, low mouth-breathing family.

Quack, quack, quack, quack... Why don't all you Lamberts go back...

Quack, quack, quack, quack. ...and drag your knuckles back into a cave.

All right, all right. Hey, ho, hey.

All right, now. That is enough.

Whew! Man, all you ever do is beef each other.

We've been stuck here for three hours with the Foster geeks.

What else are we supposed to do?

Why don't you try being nice to each other?

Well, maybe you guys don't realize this,

but you all seem a lot happier when you're helping each other out.

When have we ever done that?

Well, don't you remember the time you got dumped at the prom?

Hey, mighty JT was there to bail you out.

[SIGHS]

Dana. JT.

I really don't need any grief right now.

I know. I know. I just came to tell you that Jeff guy's a real jerk.

No.

I'm a jerk for thinking he'd want to go out with me instead of Pam Taylor.

ANNOUNCER: All right, the spotlight dance is about to begin,

led by our Student Body President, Dana Foster.

[CLAPPING] Great.

This is perfect. Now everybody's gonna know what a complete fool I am.

Dana.

You're not a fool. You...

You just picked the wrong guy to go to the prom with.

[SIGHS] I'm going to be totally humiliated.

Dana, I'm here with a thirteen-year-old.

I think I know a bit about humiliation.

[SIGHS] Look...

I know you're kind of stuck, so...

How about for the spotlight dance, uh,

you let me be your escort?

You would do that for me?

After all the things I've said about you?

Hey, your insults don't bother me.

JT, I called you a greaseball,

a low-life, a scum, ape boy...

Okay, all right, fine, fine, they bother me a little bit.

But you know, I just figure you're teasing me the way I tease you.

ANNOUNCER: Uh, Dana, we really need you for the spotlight dance.

So, what do you say, huh?

Once around the dance floor with old ape-boy?

Thanks, JT.

No problem, Barky.

Knuckle-dragger.

Fish-face.

Mouth-breather.

Huh? Warm fuzzies anybody?

Yeah, so one time we were like the Brady Bunch.

I think it is high time that you all drop this Foster-Lambert business

once and for all.

I mean, once that baby comes out, you guys are going to be permanently joined by blood.

One family, under God,

indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Dig it?

Hey, anybody want to come and meet your new baby sister?

Dude, it's a baby. It's a girl.[ALL LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING] All right, man.

Dude, I knew it was gonna be a girl, man.Yeah?

Yeah. Check it out. Here, I wrote "girl" on my left hand.

[EXCLAIMS]

Course, I wrote "boy" on my right hand. [CHUCKLES]

But I'm left handed, so see, I knew it was gonna be a girl.

I knew it. All right! [BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, so, Frank, how's Mom?

Yeah, she's just fine. She wants to see everyone, so go on.

All right, cool. Yeah, go.

[SIGHING IN EXHAUSTION]

And how's the proud Dad?

Just about the happiest guy in the whole world, son.

Oh, yes. You're so beautiful.

Oh, so tired.

Oh, my, yes, yes.

Hello, baby. You're so beautiful.

Yes you are. Yes you are.

You are so beautiful. Yeah, yes you are.

Look what I got, honey.

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, yes. [FRANK LAUGHS]

Here's all your brothers and sisters.

And the Codeman. CAROL: And your cousin.

Wow, she's beautiful.

Yes.

I can't believe how tiny she is.

Yeah, me, neither. She didn't seem so tiny a couple of hours ago.

[CHUCKLES]

Have you thought of a name yet?Mmm-hmm.

Her name is Lilly.

Lilly Lambert. That's cool.

Actually, her full name is Lilly Foster Lambert.

Yeah, what'd I tell you, huh? Foster Lambert.

One family. All right. All blended. [LAUGHS]

So, who wants to hold their baby sister first?

I think Dana should go first, you know. Since she's the oldest.

Well, I don't have to go first.

I mean, if somebody else wants to go.

C'mon, put your arms around the little bundle of joy.

Here you go. Okay, now, support her head.

There you go. There you go.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you're so soft.

Oh, look at those little hands.

How could anybody have such tiny little hands?

Careful, Dana, that's my sister you're holding.

She's your sister all right. She just peed all over me.

[LAUGHS]

CAROL: Here, I'll take her.

Thank you.

Good girl.

Yeah.

Okay, everybody. Now, stand back.

I want to get a picture of Carol with the baby.

Yeah, me, too.

Okay, Lilly. It's time for your close-up.

Come on, Lilly, give us a big smile.

Wow, that's my daddy.

Lilly, come on.

[MAKING BABY NOISES]

What a goon.

Hey, easy with the flash. I just spent nine months in a cave.

Hey, come on, everybody. Come on and make a funny face for Lilly.

See if we can get her to smile. Come here. Come on.

Come on. Weird face. [INDISTINCT NOISES]

Oh, God. I hope I have my own room.