Original subtitles

Man, that is incredible.

You are the luckiest guy in the world.

Congratulations, Dave.

Yeah, I'm really happy for you.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Yeah, take care.

Dirtbag.

Whoa, talk about Captain Moodswing, huh. [CHUCKLES]

What crawled up your shorts and died?

This jerk I went to high school with

just got hired as a management trainee at General Motors.

Oh, wow. Is that like one of those college work study programs?

-Yeah. -Oh man, those things are raging, man.

You get like college credit.

you get a shot at one of those jobs where they pay you tons of dough

and you don't have to do squat. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I know, I'm perfect for that.

CODY: Yeah. [LAUGHING]

I don't know, Cody. I feel like I'm going nowhere.

Well, let's review your life, okay? Now,

since high school,

you got a job washing cars

where you make slightly less money than, say,

a paperboy, right?

You still live at home,

where you sponge off your parents, and, uh,

you share a bunk bed with a ten year old.

Dude, sounds like nowhere to me.

Man, that is totally unfair.

How come Dave's a management trainee and I'm nowhere?

Well, Dude, isn't it obvious? He's going to college.

I mean, hey,

if you want a shot at one of those high paying fast end jobs,

you gotta go to school too.

Oh, man, I hate school.

Dude, school's killer, man. It enriches your mind. That's why I'm going.

Dudesie, rainbow. [GIGGLES]

Man, I can't believe I'm actually thinking about

going back to school, voluntarily.

Dude, you're gonna love college, man.

Look, dig it, they got millions of cool books,

they got these really gnarly professors, like,

if you got any problem with anything,

killer student store

where you can get a rad bubble gun just like this one.

Dude, I love higher education.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ To say my Lord

♪ I think I've found someone

♪ You know It will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause we're Putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

MAN: ♪ It will be better

♪ The second time around

Alright, now listen up.

We're gonna need some quiet.

That's right, the college students are about to delve

into the bowels of knowledge.

Cody, we're the only ones home right now.

[YELLING] Never mind.

You know, I can't believe they actually let JT into a college.

It must be part of the

"Aid to the Chronically Stupid" program.

Oh, go sniff a hydrant, Barky.

If you can get into the college, so can I.

Alright, JT, dude, what do you got for homework?

I have to read the first chapter in "Economic Basics."

JT, that's

"Basic Economics," not "Economic Basics."

Here's a helpful hint for college, learn to read.

Well, uh, here's a helpful hint for life,

eat my shorts.

[BOTH LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY]

Alright, okay, crack the books and put your brains in turbo.

JT, dude, what are you doing?

I'm taking a break.

From what? Opening the book? [CHUCKLES]

I can't concentrate. You guys are breathing too loud.

I'm gonna go upstairs and study in my room.

Uh, hey, cuz,

you might want to take your book with you, you know.

Oh, yeah.

You know, JT, here's an idea. Why don't you

sit on the book? So that way, it'll be closer to your brain.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Sorry, dude.

That was a good one.

MARK: I do not. GABRIELLE: You do too.

-I do not. -You--

-Mr. Lambert. -Yeah?

Will you settle an argument for us?

Oh, sure. What is it?

Doesn't Mark look exactly like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger?

How young?

You know what I mean.

Look at him. He's a hunk.

That washboard stomach,

that, that massive chest,

those bands of steel, he calls arms.

Gabby, let me see those glasses, would you ?

Yeah, I'd have this prescription checked,

because I'm, uh,

I'm just not seeing Schwarzenegger.

See, I told you. I look nothing like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Stallone, maybe.

Especially after I pump iron.

Mark, I'd check your own prescription while I was at it.

-Oh, Frank, -Huh?

I have something really great planned for next Tuesday night.

Well, alright, [CHUCKLES]

I just got my Zorro costume back from the dry cleaners.

We are meeting with some people from a very

prestigious pre school.

Pre school? For who?

For the baby.

Oh, gee, honey,

don't you think you're rushing things, here? I mean,

the kid is still living in fluid.

Frank, if you want to get your child into the best schools,

you have to get them on the waiting list, early.

And they just don't take anybody at the Sutton Academy.

The Sutton Academy,

it's the name of a pre school?

Whatever happened to names like, "Miss Daisy's Ducky Room".

Oh, Frank,

I mean, nowadays, pre-schools are so much more

than just a babysitting service.

You know at the Sutton Academy,

they have a computer room, they have a science lab, and

a "Theater in the Round" so that they can

perform Shakespeare.

Shakespeare in diapers?

What is that? "To poop or not to poop?"

Frank, it's a very competitive world out there

and you have to give your child

every educational advantage that you can

Carol, all my kids

went to Miss Daisy's Ducky Room

They spent all their time gluing macaroni

on paper plates, and they turned out just fine.

Dad,

can you help me?

I got stuck in the trash can again.

Son, how many times have I told you?

If you drop a cookie, don't go in after it.

Alright, same as last time. Here we go. [GRUNTS]

And one, two,

three.

Oh, I see, it was a macaroon. Well, of course

Hey, Cody.

Hey, Dana, want to give me a hand?

Sure. What, do you want me to hold that down while you tie it?

No, want some applause, man.

I did such a killer job wrapping this present. Look at that.

[CLAPPING] CODY: Thank you, thank you, very much.

Who's that for?

JT. Man, I bought him an "East Wis U" sweatshirt.

You know, he had his first test today.

I think he aced it.

Aced it?

You saw the way he studies.

He's got the attention span of an ant.

And not one of the smart ants.

Like, if there wasn't another ant in front of him,

he wouldn't find his way back to the hill.

No, JT's smart,

-just not in a way everybody can tell. -[DANA SIGHS]

Like, you know, kinda like, you're sweet, only nobody can tel.

So, JT, dude, how'd the test go?

I flunked.

Oh, wow, dude.

Well, that's okay, man. It was only your first tent.

I mean, hey, you'll do better on it next time.

Forget it, Cody. There isn't going to be a next time, okay?

I can't study. I'm too stupid for college.

I better get good at washing cars,

because that's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life.

Frank, what are you doing? I just ironed that couch.

I am looking for my fishing magazine, honey. I can't find it.

Oh, I threw it out.

You threw it out?

Frank, the people from The Sutton Academy

are coming over tonight and I want them to think that

we're intelligent people, not...

...catfish people.

Now, listen, Carol, I'm not going to put on some

phoney baloney act

just to impress some fancy pants pre school.

Well, I'm not asking you to be phoney.

I'm asking you to be yourself.

Except for one thing.

What?

Would you mind changing your belt buckle?

What's wrong with my belt buckle?

Well, nothing,

if you're heavyweight champion of the world.

It's just that some people think that those big belt buckles are gaudy.

and I want to make a good impression.

Carol, if they're not going to let our kid

into Sutton Academy because

of my belt buckle, then the heck with them.

-[DOOR BELL RINGS] -Oh, that's them. Now please,

-please be nice, okay? -I'll be nice. I promise I'll be nice.

Well, hi, I'm Carol Lambert.

Veronica Preston. Sutton Academy. We spoke on the phone.

Yes, how nice to meet you. And you must be Mr. Smith.

Uh, that's Smythe.

Smythe. Well, that's... nythe.

[GIGGLES]

[STAMMERS]

Uh, and, and this is my husband, Frank.

Uh, how you doing? Hey, come on in and take a load off.

Boy, it's cold out there, you're going to want to warm right up.

-Have a seat, buddy. -Thank you.

Uh, would you like some lemon meringue pie?

I made it myself.

Homemade pie,

how quaint.

No, thank you.

The purpose of this interview is

to find out about your background and

to assess your home environment,

uh, in terms of what kind of child might live here.

Oh, well, if I do say so myself,

I think that we have a

wonderful home environment, and

we've raised some very special children.

Dad, Carol, check this out.

Brendan can drink milk upside down

and blow snot bubbles out his nose.

[SPITS]

Uh, kids, we have company.

It's not really time to do any of your milk tricks, okay?

Yes, so why don't you two run upstairs and read the encyclopedia.

Why would we do that?

To satisfy your thirst for knowledge.

I don't have a thirst for knowledge.

I'll explain it all later. Just go upstairs, okay?

Oh, they just love milk.

[CHUCKLING] Brain food, you know.

Shall we begin?

CAROL: Oh, God, yes.

Okay, I'll be administering the verbal section of the interview.

What's Sherlock Holmes doing?

Gathering data to assess your home's cultural environment.

Paperbacks.

Minus ten.

Now where's he going?

The kitchen.

We must make sure your food has the proper nutritional value

for a growing child.

I've got your nutritional value.

Alright, question one.

What was the last cultural event

that you and your family attended?

Uh, honey, I'll let you take this one.

Uh, cultural event. Uh, well,

you know, we have been to so many,

it's hard to pick just one.

But, um, recently, I'd say it was the, urn,

uh, ballet.

The ballet?

Was I there?

Well, it wasn't

technically a ballet, it was,

urn, more like, like ice dancing.

Oh, "Snoopy On Ice?" Yeah, yeah,

I guess that is cultural, because they took that show right to Russia.

[SMITHE CLEARS THROAT] Uh, Ms. Preston,

may I see you for a moment in the, uh,

"library?"

Excuse me.

We've got trouble here.

These people subscribe to a fishing magazine.

Well, what do you expect from a family

where the husband wears a belt buckle, the size of Texas.

So you had enough?

Oh, yeah.

What is wrong with you people?

Is this the way you welcome people to the Sutton Academy?

No, actually,

it's the way we let you know you're not welcome.

I'm sorry but we're simply

not interested in educating one of your...

..."special" children.

Okay,

listen up, Ms. Prissbag.

Our family may not read the right magazines,

or go to the right cultural events,

but at least we have manners.

You have been looking down

your pointy little nose at us ever since you walked in this door.

You insulted my husband,

you insulted my kids.

You even insulted my pie,

which I made just to be nice to you people.

Better watch it, Ms. Preston,

she's got a pie in her hands.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, simply, that people of your particular class

have a tendency to get physical when they're upset.

Oh? [CHUCKLES]

So you are saying that

I am so low class that even

though I am angry, I might lower myself

to shove this pie in your face?

-Frankly, yes. -Good call.

Well, I think my wife pretty well speaks for the both of us. So, uh,

why don't you run along? I'm sure you've got a whole lot of interviews

you haven't done yet. And believe me, if you're ever in the neighborhood,

just stop right back, okay? Because, golly, my wife's always baking something.

God, that was beautiful.

Ooh, they made me so mad.

Oh, honey, I think you need to do something

to work off that pent up anger

-of yours. -Yeah, what?

Yeah, well, does the name Zorro mean anything to you.

En garde.

-[ZORRO MUSIC] -Grab the pie.

Hey, guys.

Yo, JT, dude,

I've been thinking about why you flunked that test today

and I think I got it figured out.

What's there to figure out? I'm stupid.

No, dude, you're not stupid, man. It's just,

your brain's all flabby,

you know, from being out of school this semester.

What you need is somebody to beat your brains back into shape for you.

[CHUCKLES] I'm just the guy for the job?

Forget it, Cody, you're wasting your time.

Don't make me thump on you, dude.

Alright, let's get it over with.

Cool, now, dig it.

I broke your first chapter down into sections.

Now, you just read the first section and, uh,

tell me what your read.

JT: Fine.

Hey, Cody, I need your advice.

Cool.

As you know, Gabrielle and I have a rather

hot relationship.

Yeah. You guys got the monster "Love Jones" going.

You see, that's the problem.

We're having trouble controlling ourselves.

Our brains are saying, "slow down,"

while our hormones are saying, "put the pedal to the metal."

Yeah, I hear you, little cuz.

Hey, come here, grab a seat, man.

Now, look,

your problem is no different from any other dilemma

that every young couple has faced. Okay?

Now, my suggestion is like,

uh, try a rousing game of ping pong. You know,

that way you guys get to work up a sweat,

you know, and, uh, get rid of some of that excess energy.

And you still got a safety net between the two of you,

alright?

Okay, I'm finished.

Right on, so,

tell me what you read.

I can't.

Ah, sure you can.

No, Cody, I mean,

I read the words, but nothing gets into my brain.

Oh, come on, JT, man, you're just goofing off.

I'm not goofing off. Man,

I'm sick of this. How come every time

I'm having trouble in school, someone thinks I'm goofing off?

Well, let's face it, man. You're not even trying.

I am too trying. I could read this stupid "Economic Basics" book.

a hundred times and it still wouldn't make any sense.

Yeah, right.

you're not even focusing on the name of the book.

Man, the title is "Basic Economics."

I mean, like, what are you, dyslexic or something.

Get off my back, Cody.

The title is "Economic Basics."

It says so right here.

Man,

I could have sworn I had it right.

Cody may be on to something.

Transposing words is one of the key symptoms to dyslexia.

Dude, maybe you should see a doctor.

Get tested.

Great, just what I need, another test.

Mother, do we really have to all be here?

Yes. When JT gets back from the doctor,

I want him to know that we all really care about him.

What if we don't care about him?

Fake it.

What's dilexia anyway?

No, no, no, no, honey. It's dyslexia.

It's a learning disability that makes it hard to read.

Something happens between the eye and the brain

and things get mixed up.

Wow. That sounds pretty bad.

Not really. If you know you have dyslexia, you can deal with it.

There are special techniques you can use,

classes you can take,

and even some schools will give you extra time to finish your work.

The way I see it, it's one of two things. I mean, like,

number one, JT's got dyslexia,

okay? So he's got to work a little bit harder,

but he can lead a perfectly normal life.

Number two,

JT doesn't have dyslexia.

No matter how hard he works

and studies, he'll always be dumb as dirt.

Great news, everybody.

The doctor says I have dyslexia.

CAROL: Oh, Yeah!

Oh, I knew it. I knew you couldn't be that stupid.

Well, you all know what I mean.

See, Al, I told you JT had dyslexia

and he's not an idiot.

You owe me ten bucks.

I can't believe it. My own sister bet that I was an idiot.

Hey, it looked like easy money.

Well, my first born son

is not brain dead and that calls for a celebration.

Yeah, and I have most of the lemon meringue pie left,

CAROL: so let's go to the kitchen. FRANK: Ah, right!

CODY: [LAUGHING] Ahhh.

Hold on there, Cisco.

We still got some work to do before we celebrate.

-Work? -Yeah,

Basic Economics. Yeah!

What do you think? Now that you got dyslexia,

you got an excuse to goof off.

Now you gotta work even harder.

Harder?! Oh, man. I liked it better when people thought I was stupid.

[CHUCKLNG] Yeah, sure you did.

Hey, it's the lovebirds.

What are you guys doing?

Working off our passion.

We tried playing ping pong, but

Gabrielle kept trying to jump the net.

I'm only human.

It's really exciting walking with you, Mark.

Watching your athletic body

cut through the winter air like a hot knife through butter.

Well, you weren't so bad yourself.

Your hot, sexy breath

coming out in steamy bursts,

fogging up my glasses.

I love you, Gabrielle.

I love you, Mark.

Okay, alright, power walk time, guys.

Okay, yeah,

let's get out there in the good old fresh oxygen.

[CHUCKLES] Come on now.

Okay, one, two.

You don't hold hands when you walk.

Hey, none of that, either!

Okay, that's it,

separate sides of the street, you two!

Woof, they got it bad.