Original subtitles

My date's here, love you, bye.

FRANK: Yeah, freeze, Beautiful.

Come here.

Al, you know the rules.

Dates have to come in,

dates have to be introduced.

Alright, fine,

I'll introduce you to Zack.

But I'm begging you, go easy on him.

I mean, he may be a little...

...different, but

he's a really good guy.

[BELL DINGING]

Alright, you answer the door. I will be Mr. Cool.

-Hey, Zack. -Hey.

Be nice, Frank.

He's a freak.

Um...

Zack, this is my dad and my step mom, Carol.

This is Zack Bailey.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Lambert.

Um, come on in. I have a few questions.

[CHUCKLING] God, I have a lot of questions, Zack.

Uh, so, Zack, do you go to Port Washington High?

Yes. We just moved here.

-Oh, do you like it? -It's okay. For a school.

Zack is kind of anti school.

I see it as an institution that perpetuates the status quo.

No offense, sir, but

I don't want to be part of the traditional white male establishment.

Well, that explains the skirt.

Dad, you promised.

It's cool, Al.

I admire your dad's honesty for bringing up my kilt.

It's a kilt! See, Frank, it's not a skirt.

It's a kilt. [CHUCKLING]

Do you play bagpipes in the school band?

No, I'm wearing this to make a statement.

The kilt's my way of saying we're all part male

and part female.

Well, hold on, buddy,

I'll have you know, I am one hundred percent

Grade A American Male.

Tell him, honey.

Maybe some other time.

Okay, kids,

you don't want to be late for that concert.

CAROL: Now, you just have a good time, there. AL: Thanks, Carol.

CAROL: Bye bye. ZACK: Nice meeting you, sir.

FRANK: Yeah. CAROL: Bye.

Frank, why were you so hard on that young man?

You embarrassed Al.

I embarrassed Al? Honey,

she's going out in public with a guy wearing a dress.

Well, I liked him. I mean, he was

polite, and

articulate, and, and

he had really nice taste in earrings.

Well, maybe his female side does the shopping.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ To say my Lord

♪ I think I've found someone

♪ You know It will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause we're Putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ It will be better

♪ The second time around

[DANA SNEEZING] CODY: Bless you.

Would you please stop saying "Bless you!"

[SNEEZES] CODY: Gesundheit.

Dude, I just gave her a ride home from school.

She sneezed so much,

it made me wish my windshield wipers were on the inside.

DANA: Ah-choo. CODY: [WHISPERING] Bless you.

It's probably just--

It's probably just a little cold.

Oh, man, no problem.

I got a totally bitchin' cold remedy out in my van.

It's made from lime juice, eucalyptus oil, and horseradish.

Cody, I am not eating that.

Oh, man, you don't eat it. You just,

like, rub it into your chest and

let the fumes work their way in.

Dude, it stops sneezing,

stops coughing, and will clear a clogged drain

through standing water.

I'll be right back.

[SNEEZING]

Dana, I hate to be the voice of doom, but,

your sneezing could be the symptom of something more serious.

It's just a cold, Doogie.

That's what they said about the Amazing Sneezing Girl from Borneo.

She was the thirteen year old girl who

sneezed non stop for seven months.

She tried to stop sneezing by pinching her nose with her fingers,

blew the brains right out the back of her head.

Mark, thanks for that

inspiring story, but

I stopped sneezing.

Here we go. [CHUCKLES]

One gigantic jar of cold remedy.

Cody, I don't need a remedy. I stopped sneezing.

[SNEEZES]

Sounds like you're in denial to me.

You know, this is really weird.

Dana stopped sneezing the minute you went out to your van.

And started back again the minute you came back.

Ah-choo.

So, dude, what are you saying?

Let's try a little experiment.

Dana, back away from Cody.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[EXHALES]

Hmm. Interesting.

As Dana steps away from Cody, the symptoms decrease.

Let's try it again.

Dana, move toward Cody.

-[DANA BREATHES HEAVILY] -MARK: Away.

[SIGHS]

Dude, she is allergic to me.

No way.

[PANTS]

Color me toxic.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, pal, where have you been? Haven't seen you all day.

Oh, I went to the mall with Zack.

Check this out. We got matching tattoos.

That does it. Girlie boy dies.

Chill, Dad. It's just a rub on.

I'll wash it off after my date with Zack tonight.

We're going to Lookout Hill to watch the meteor shower.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute!

"Watch a meteor shower?"

Al, I can't believe you fell for that.

It's the oldest trick in the book.

What do you mean?

I mean, it's just an excuse a guy uses

to get a girl alone so he can put the moves on her.

Dad, it's not an excuse.

There really is a meteor shower.

Well, there really is a movie

at a drive in, but nobody goes there to watch it.

I don't want you going up to Lookout Hill with this guy.

Wait a minute.

This isn't about a meteor shower.

This is about Zack.

You don't like him, do you?

What's to like? He looks like a Klingon.

Dad, that is so unfair. You don't even know him.

Well, I know I'm your father

and you are not going up to Lookout Hill tonight.

Oh, great.

I finally meet a guy I like and you won't let me date him.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Dad.

Hey, yo, dude,

I think I got this allergy thing all figured out, man.

See, dig it,

Dana's not really allergic to me,

see, she was allergic to something that was on my body.

Like what?

Well, like, okay, this morning, I found these stray cats.

And, well, like, I didn't have a box to put them in, so I just stuffed them in my shirt.

Dig it, I was warm as toast, right,

but I had more cat hair on me than Garfield.

Oh, hi, Cody. I'll leave.

Oh, no, you don't have to go, Dana.

Hey, I figured out what you were allergic to, man,

and I washed it right off my body.

That's right, I have been sanitized for your protection.

Yep, now, you can be as

close as you want to be.

[LAUGHS] Isn't that great?

Ah-choo.

Whoa, the shower didn't work.

Maybe I'm dry clean only.

Cody, I don't think she's allergic to the cat hair on your body.

I think she's allergic to you.

No, that can't be, man.

Me and Dana are buds.

-Go ahead, tell him, Dana. -Ah-choo.

Ah-choo.

Painful revelation.

I make you sick.

Maybe I just better stay away from you, huh?

For the rest of my life.

JT: Hey, Dad. FRANK: Yeah?

Is there something going on between you and Al?

Why? Why do you ask?

Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe because at dinner,

when you asked her to pass the rolls,

she fired one at your head.

I guess she's just a

little ticked off at me

because I told her she couldn't go out with that Zack, tonight.

Oh, Frank, why did you do that?

Well, honey, because he's a weirdo. He looks like one of those

Pastafarians.

Frank, that is not the problem and you know it.

He could have been an Eagle Scout,

and you wouldn't have liked him.

Fathers just don't like the idea

of their teenage daughters starting to date.

It brings up all sorts of sexual issues.

Hey, hey, hey, that is my daughter.

There is nothing sexual about her.

She's right, Dad, I know it's hard to talk about,

but you gotta face the facts. I mean, Al's growing up.

Even my friends are starting to check her out.

Well, you tell them to stop it.

If I catch one of them even thinking she's pretty, I'll clean his clock.

Guys, um, we've got a problem with Al.

FRANK: Why? What now?

Well, she went into the bathroom

and the next thing I knew, the window was open,

the emergency ladder was hanging down, and she was gone.

I knew it. That snake head made her do this.

Where are you going?

I'll tell you where I'm going.

I'm going up to Lookout Hill and kick some skirt.

CAROL: Frank. Frank.

Frank, let me drive.

There that's a meteor.

A shooting star.

Oh, that was... That was beautiful. It was like,

like a giant flaming spitball.

I'm really glad we're here.

Yeah, me, too.

See that big cluster of stars?

That's the Andromeda Galaxy.

Check it out in the scope.

CAROL: Frank, Frank, ow, Frank

FRANK: Ow. Ew, God.

Did we have to park a half mile away?

I'm not dressed for Lion Country Safari.

I told you.

If we went up the main road, the kids would see the lights

and then that Zack would run away like the

kilt wearing, half female commie that he is.

Oh, Frank. [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING] You know, just lighten up. For all you know,

there's nothing's going on. They're probably just looking at stars.

I'm telling you, Carol, that kid is trouble.

Look down there.

Are you cold?

Yeah, a little.

Here, take my coat.

Thanks.

Wow, what an animal.

I'm telling you, honey, he's just setting her up

so he can make his move.

So, what time are you supposed to be home?

Oh, don't worry about it.

My dad doesn't even know I'm gone.

I snuck out.

You snuck out?

That's not cool.

But, I I thought you were this

big anti establishment guy.

I am, with faceless institutions.

But this is your dad.

If he doesn't know where you are, he'll worry about you.

Oh, yeah, Frank.

This kid's a menace to society.

I think we should call in the SWAT team.

Okay, okay, I was wrong.

The kid's a saint.

He's a saint in drag, but he's a saint.

Come on. Let's go before they see us, huh?

Careful. Care-- Careful, Frank, it's slippery.

Well, why do you women wear shoes you can't walk in?

I mean, they don't even look that good.

Whoa! Ah!

CAROL: Frank!

Frank!

[FRANK SCREAMS]

Well, I didn't know you kids were coming up here.

We could have car pooled.

Boy,

you really know what you're doing.

Where did you learn to wrap an ankle like that?

I'm an Eagle Scout.

Well, I'll take over here, Zack.

I know you need to go home. I'll take care of Jungle Boy.

FRANK: Uh, Zack.

Sir?

I'm sorry about the hard time I've been giving you.

Hey, no problem, sir.

I'm used to it.

You take a lot of crap when you look like a freak.

-Goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. Lambert. -Goodnight.

See you at school, Zack.

Bye, Al.

[CLOSES DOOR]

Al, I-- I guess we better talk.

You're darn right.

Man spies on his daughter, [MUMBLING]

puts down her boyfriend, insults my shoes...

Look, Dad, um,

I'm sorry.

I know I shouldn't have snuck out.

No, you shouldn't have snuck out.

But, Al, I kind of figure I owe you an apology, too.

You know, I kind of thought so, too,

but I didn't want to bring it up.

I didn't like Zack at first.

I thought it was because of the way he looked.

The more I thought about it,

I figure he could have come in here looking like the all American boy and

I still would have a problem.

Why?

Listen, Al, I know you're growing up now.

I can see you're becoming a beautiful young lady.

But somewhere in my mind,

there's a part of you that'll always be that.

little girl that they--

That they put in my arms the day you were born.

I would rock you, and

feed you, and

cuddle you.

And now I have to deal with

the fact that some other guy's gonna be cuddling you.

And I hate that!

Dad, you know, it's

only normal for me to be getting interested in boys.

Well, I know. And listen, it's not your problem, Al. It's mine.

It's just hard to get used to

not being the only man in your life anymore.

Well, Dad, even though I'm dating,

you'll always be the most important guy in my life.

No, I won't.

But I would like to hold on to that thought as long as possible.

[FRANK SIGHS]

-You know, Dad. -Hmm?

We haven't hung out for a while.

Why don't we do something together next weekend?

Hey, hey, I can get tickets to the Packers game.

I'll get three. You, me, and Zack.

Actually, um,

Zack's kind of anti football.

He thinks it's a

male ritual that

expresses the primitive need to

dominate through violence.

And how do you feel about football now?

I love it.

That's my girl. [CHUCKLES]

Cody, what are you doing?

Well,

I make you sick, so,

I'm packing up all my stuff and heading down the road.

But, Cody, you live here.

You've got to stay. I mean, my sneezing's--

Ah-chooo.

It's not that bad.

Ah-choo.

I'll be fine. Ah-choo.

Look at you, Dana. Man, you can't even come near me without sneezing.

But we've got to talk.

[SNEEZES]

Cody, would you mind getting in the van

while we talk? I think I just blew out an eardrum.

Sure, okay.

Cody,

look,

this is really hard for me to say, but...

I don't want you to leave.

I mean,

I know that

I haven't always been the nicest person in the world to you,

but,

this is your home.

You belong here.

And even though I make a lot of jokes,

you're a great guy.

This place wouldn't be the same without you.

What?

Didn't you hear a word that I said?

Well, no, man, hey,

with the van door shut, and the window rolled up,

this place seals up like Tupperware.

You know, I thought I could read lips,

but I don't know. I guess I can't.

All I'm saying is, you can't leave.

I'll get shots, or take pills, or whatever. We'll figure out a way.

Whoa, poignant moment. [LAUGHS]

I'd give you a little hug if I didn't think you'd get snot all over me.

Hi, Dana. Hey, Cody.

Uh, thanks for loaning me your homemade shampoo.

This stuff is fantastic.

I mean, it leaves my hair soft,

yet manageable.

And it's gentle enough to use every day.

Ah-choo.

Oh, boy, Tupperware time.

[SNEEZES]

Wait a minute!

Cody's sealed up in the van...

Ah-choo.

And I just sneezed.

Do you know what that means? [SNEEZES]

You're allergic to me, too?

No, it's the shampoo.

[SNEEZES]

Cody, it's not you. It's the shampoo. You can stay.

What?

Cody, you can stay. I'm not allergic to you.

It's your shampoo.

Whoa, I can stay?

Dudesie! Alright!

I'm gonna live with you forever! Come here, come here

You, too, Kare bear. Come on, group hug, group hug.

I love you, guys. [LAUGHS]

Hello, sir.

Hello, Zack, what's going on?

I'm just waiting for Al to come downstairs.

Well, I hope you don't mind me eating in front of you,

'cause I had to work late and I am starved.

-Sir. -Yeah?

Before you eat that steak, I think there's something you should know.

What's that?

That steak came from a cow that was pumped up on hormones

and then brutally slaughtered.

Yeah, uh, uh, okay.

Fine, I'll just, uh,

I'll just have a salad.

Sir, I wouldn't do that.

Why? Was the lettuce brutally slaughtered, too?

No, sir, but the farm workers who picked it are oppressed,

forced to work under subhuman conditions.

Each bite of that lettuce condemns someone to a lifetime of slavery and torture.

I, uh,

I had, [STAMMERS] I had a big lunch,

so I guess I'll be okay.

-Sir. -Zack,

you ruined my steak, you put me off my salad.

You want to date my daughter, don't mess with my beer.

[SIGHS] That's a boy.