Original subtitles

CODY: Mail call.

Step right up

and get your red-hot mail.

That's it, grab your postals while they're hot, huh.

[CODY CHUCKLES]

Uh, Cody, why are you all dressed up like a mailman?

Oh, you noticed, cool.

Well, interesting story, Uncle Frank.

I went out this morning to pull sweet potatoes for old Mrs. Cudahay.

You know that old lady who's always

bending over in her garden and

everybody wishes she wouldn't?

-[BOTH SHUDDER] -CODY: Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Anyway, I'm out there yanking her yams,

when I see this postal dude get in a tussle with this mangey mongrel.

So I spring into action,

pry off the pooch,

and replace the divot in the mailman's butt.

[CHUCKLES] Anyway.

The guy decides to quit the postal biz and gives me this really cool outfit.

So am I stylin', or what?

FRANK: Totally. CODY: Yeah?

Hey, check this out.

The Monument Bank just sent me a credit card.

Hey, check this out. I'm taking it away from you.

JT: Why?

Oh, come on, JT.

Giving a teenager a credit card is like

giving a baby a jock strap.

They're not ready for it yet.

Dad, I'm 18 years old,

I think I can handle a credit card.

Okay, I can see this is one of those lessons

you're going to have to learn all on your own.

Like looking for snakes before you pee in the woods.

Okay.

But I'm warning you,

you are going to end up buying a lot of junk

and running up a huge bill before you know it.

Man,

why don't parents ever trust us kids?

I mean, it's like they think we don't even have a brain or something.

Yeah. Go figure.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be A second time around?

♪ Woah-oh, woah-oh

♪ When the tears are over And the moment has come

♪ Say "My lord, I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To be putting it together For the second time around

♪ Step by step Day by day

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall The stronger we stay

♪ And we'll be better The second time around

♪ Step by step Day by day

♪ We'll be better The second time around ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[CHUCKLES]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

CAROL: Ooh. [GIGGLING]

Mom, is this

photo session truly necessary?

Yes.

This is your first day of college,

I want to record it all in your "Dana" book.

"Dana" book?

Yeah, see it's got pictures of all of Dana's important firsts.

Now look at this. [GASPS] Aww.

Her first step,

[GASPS] and her first haircut.

Oh, jeez.

[GASPS] And there's her first kiss.

First kiss?

-What did you do, spy on her? -Yes.

No, I did not spy.

When you came home from your date, I just

happened to be up in the tree with a camera,

a zoom lens and some infrared film.

If I were you, I'd check under the bed on your wedding night.

Otherwise, you might end up on America's Funniest Home Videos.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Mom, please!

Put the camera away.

I mean, it's not like I'm going to a real college.

Oh, Dana, come on, don't start in again with that,

"I could have gone to Harvard, but my parents are too cheap."

Well, it's true.

I mean, instead I'm stuck living at home,

going to East Wisconsin University.

There is nothing wrong with East Wis U.

First of all, it sounds like Cheez Whiz U.

Second of all, it's a rinky dink school.

I need a challenge.

I got a challenge for you.

Why don't you try getting a date once in a while?

You know, it might improve your mood.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

[SIGHS]

Dana, East Wis U is not a rinky dink school.

A lot of important people went there.

Name one.

Well,

there's, um, Myron Tate,

who invented those little rubber flower thingies

that keep you from slipping in the tub.

Gee,

all Harvard has is six ex-presidents.

Good thing I'm going to good ol' Cheez Whiz U, where I can

major in bathroom technology.

Look, Dana, we have six kids.

The only way that we can afford to send

all of them to college is

if they all live at home and they all attend a public university.

[SIGHS]

So what are you saying? You want us all to have

an equal opportunity to get a higher education?

Yes.

That is so selfish.

[INAUDIBLE]

Nope.

Wrong-o.

Oh, pathetic.

Hey, Mark, can you do this?

-Of course. Hold this. -Sure.

Whoa, Mark. [CHUCKLES]

That must have been some gnarly zit.

[LAUGHING] Wow.

Man, I'd hate to see the bathroom mirror.

Uh, excuse me,

where do you want this stuff?

Oh, right over here, dude.

BRENDAN: Whoa, a new stereo.

MARK: And a VCR,

and a color TV.

Whoa, where did all this stuff come from?

Well, JT kind of went into warp speed with his new credit card.

Well, I thought his card had a $500 limit.

It does. But as soon as he used it at the department store,

they gave him their own credit card.

So did the stereo store,

the record store, and every other store in the mall.

Pretty soon he had more plastic on him than Cher.

Right this way.

You can put the karaoke machine over here.

All right, boys, thanks a lot for your help.

I appreciate it. Love ya all. All right.

JT, you look like Smokey the Pimp.

I know, huh, am I pretty cool or what? [CHUCKLES]

Have you lost your mind?

You can't possibly pay for all this.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

But then JT explained to me his philosophy on credit cards.

Go ahead, JT, explain your theory.

Maybe this time it won't sound like complete bull dookie.

Well, see, it's actually very simple.

A credit card is a financial vehicle

wherein the card holder can amortize

his principal payments over a long period of time,

thereby reducing his monthly fiscal responsibilities.

Nope, still bull dookie.

Look, all I'm saying is you don't have to pay it all off all at once.

You can just give them like a couple bucks a month.

-[CELL PHONE RINGS] -Oh, it's probably for me.

JT Lambert, talk to me, babe.

Satellite dish?

Yeah, I'd be interested.

Could I order that with a credit card?

[CHUCKLES] Love that.

BALDWIN: Well, all things considered,

it's been a pretty good first week.

Next week, we'll be discussing Tom Jones.

All right, that's it for today.

You can pick up your papers on Sir Walter Scott

on your way out.

For the most part, they were exactly what I expected

from first year students.

There was, however,

one paper, which stood out from the group.

I'd like to see Dana Foster after class, please.

[DANA CHUCKLING]

The rest of you can go.

That's me. [GIGGLING]

I had a feeling I aced it.

You know, I could have gone to Harvard, but my parents were too cheap.

Hi, Professor Baldwin.

I'm Dana Foster,

the one who stood out from the group.

Ah, Miss Foster.

You know, every year

I get one student

just like you.

One whose personality just seems to leap off the page.

I'll bet you were valedictorian of your class...

National Merit Scholar...

Right, right, Honor Society Chairman,

President of Debate Club, Study Hall Monitor but, uh,

I hate to brag.

So I see.

I also noticed you're quite

proud of your vocabulary.

Just about every other word in your paper has

four or five syllables.

-Indubitably. -[BOTH LAUGHING]

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Well, I hope you're still laughing when you see your grade.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

A "D"?

You gave me a "D"?

Why?

Let me explain it to you with one

really long word

and one itty-bitty little one.

This paper is supercilious crap.

Crap?

Good word, isn't it?

Short. To the point.

Unmistakable in its meaning.

But I thought I wrote a pretty good paper.

Well, you thought wrong.

This paper is filled with big words and absolutely no substance.

The purpose of language is to communicate.

The only thing you communicated

was your inflated opinion of your own intellect.

Now, that sort of drivel may have wowed them

at your high school,

but I'm afraid it's not going to cut it here at "Cheez Whiz U."

I've never had a "D" in my life.

How am I going to explain this to my mother?

I don't know.

I suppose you've got a bit of a...

conundrum. [LAUGHS]

WOMAN: [ON TV] How would you like a rich,

steaming cup of cappuccino

anytime you want it?

Well, then pick up the phone

and call the number on your screen.

Use your credit card.

Don't mind if I do.

[SIGHS]

I love speed dial.

Hi, JT Lambert here.

Yeah, I just talked to you about five minutes ago.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like to order the cappuccino machine.

No, no, no, just put it on the same credit card as the home tanning bed.

Okay, thanks. Ciao.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Dad, hey, Carol. Check out my new tube.

It's high resolution.

Well, JT, you have really outdone yourself this time.

You know, I thought you might go overboard,

but I believe you have actually drowned.

JT, are you crazy?

You can't go around buying

a TV and a VCR and... Is that a real mink?

You bet ya.

Oh, could I try it on?

-Sure. -CAROL: Oh.

[STAMMERS] Uh, Carol, honey, now don't...

don't encourage him.

I'm not encouraging him. It's all going back.

[GASPING] Oh.

Oh, it fits perfectly.

Aw, jeez.

All right, JT, how do you

plan on paying for all of this?

Don't have a cow, Dad, all right.

You just have to pay couple bucks a month per card.

Per card?

How many cards do you have?

I don't know.

What does that look like, about 15?

Fifteen?

JT, I want to check the balance on these cards.

Oh, that's fine with me. Here, here,

use my cellular phone. I get frequent flyer miles every minute I use it.

Well, you may be taking a trip a lot sooner than you think.

Oh, JT, you know, ever since I was a little girl

I always dreamed that I would have

a full-length mink coat just like this one.

[SIGHS] And then I'd wear a beautiful gown and

some movie star like William Holden in

Love is a Many-Splendored Thing would just

sweep me off my feet.

-[CAROL GASPS] -FRANK: Carol.

It's going back.

I know. Don't have a cow.

Ah, yeah, hello, this is, uh,

this is JT Lambert.

I'd like to check the balance on my card,

number three, four, two, five, seven, eight, nine, one.

Oh.

Son.

Would you repeat that for me, please?

Seventeen hundred dollars

on one card? That's impossible.

I just bought a few things.

A few things? Son, this place looks like the set for The Price is Right.

Now, I'm just guessing here,

but I would estimate that you have charged up about

-$20,000. -[CAROL GASPS]

Twenty thousand dollars?

That's exactly what I warned you about.

Twenty thousand dollars?

Man, I can't afford that.

These credit cards are dangerous.

Why didn't somebody warn me?

JT, when I talk to you,

do the words actually stop in your head,

or do they just whiz through without slowing down?

Sorry, Dad, did you say something?

Yes. Say goodbye to your cards.

All this stuff is going back first thing in the morning.

That's right, first thing in the morning.

I'll be in charge of returning the mink.

How can you read those stupid fashion magazines?

Want to see a picture of Christian Slater

with his shirt off?

Whoa. Uh...

Can I borrow that after you're done?

Take it, he's too shallow for me.

I'm into Fabio.

He's a writer, you know.

Good day at school?

I'm fine. All right, everything's fine. So just quit bugging me.

Okay.

I think I'll go down to the mini mart to see if Fabio's new book is out.

Whoa. No wonder you are so crabby.

-You got a "D." -DANA: Hey! That's private.

A "D"?

Einstein got a "D"?

Oh, man, I gotta spread the word.

DANA: No!

What's it gonna take to keep you quiet?

A miracle. [LAUGHS]

Hey, guys! Dana got a "D" on her English paper!

Shut up! Shut up! Give me it.

Give me it! Give it back to me. Gimme it.

Gimme it. I'll rip your hair out.

Ooh, I'm shaking in my boots, Tweety Bird.

Give me it!

A "D"? Let me see that.

[DANA SHOUTING]

Now, I'm the smartest one in the family.

The Queen is dead.

Long live the King.

♪ Ow! I feel good

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

♪ I knew that I would Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

CAROL: All right, stop it!

That's enough! Stop it!

Now, everybody out, I want to talk to Dana.

Come on, out! Out!

[ALL GROANING]

Out! Out!

Hey, Carol,

her first "D."

Want me to get a picture of this?

Out!

Dana, what's going on?

Mom, that is a totally unfair grade.

The professor is a complete jerk.

He told me that I used too many big words.

I mean, the idiot probably didn't even know what they meant.

It's ridiculous. I mean,

I'm the smartest person who ever walked into that stupid school.

They should be giving me A's just for showing up.

[SIGHS]

You know, Dana,

your ego is way out of control.

You may have been the hot ticket at Port Washington High School,

but there is a great big world out there.

And you don't have to go to Harvard to find people who are smarter than you,

you can find them at East Wisconsin University,

you can find them in this house.

You can even find one of them living in a van in our driveway.

Oh, please, you're not going to bring that up again, are you?

Well, well, well, I do believe that

Cody scored higher than you on his SATs...

-I don't want to hear this. -Cody.

So you can go on thinking you're the smartest thing that ever walked into that school,

but if you don't change your attitude, you're going to be the smartest one that

ever flunked out.

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪ Love is a many splendored thing

♪ It's the April rose

♪ That only grows in the early spring ♪

Carol,

it's time.

No, Frank.

Just let me be alone with the coat just a little while longer.

-Please? -Carol,

I let you wear it to bed last night.

Yeah, and you liked that, too, didn't you?

[GIGGLES] Yeah.

But now it's gotta go back, honey. Come on now, it's gotta go.

Come on, c'mon, c'mon.

-Out, out, out-- -Okay, okay.

But the next time the kids ask me what I want for Mother's Day,

you tell them I want this.

Oh, yeah, good luck.

Last time, they made you something out of pipe cleaners.

Mom.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Sure.

[SIGHS]

I owe you an apology.

I mean,

you're smart

and you're honest

and it really bugs me.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Is that the whole apology, or are you just warming up?

Well,

you were right. I mean,

my ego was out of control.

But I mean, I've always been the best student in my class.

So, when I got that "D" I guess it was

easier for me to blame the professor than

to think that I'm not really as smart as I thought I was.

Dana, just because you got a "D" doesn't mean you're not smart.

It just means you're in college now.

It's a lot harder than high school.

Tell me about it.

Hey, don't get discouraged.

If I know you, you're gonna bounce right back,

spend 400 hours in the library, and you'll be getting A's in no time.

-Thanks, Mom. -[CAROL CHUCKLES]

I guess I just

didn't think "Cheez Whiz U" could be so tough.

Hey, even in a state college, they don't accept just anybody.

You're competing with the brightest students in the State of Wisconsin.

Yo, Dana. [LAUGHING]

Great news.

I just got accepted to "Cheez Whiz U."

Huh?

Please tell me you got accepted as part of some

medical experiment.

Well, no, but that sounds like fun, though.

Yeah, I hear they give you a free breakfast

just for letting them stick a needle in your head.

[LAUGHS]

I don't understand, Cody. What made you decide to go to college?

Well, simple really.

I wanted to enrich my mind, expand my horizons.

So, it was either that or

join the Psychic Friends Hotline.

Oh, Dana, you're gonna freak when you hear this.

I signed up for all the same classes as you.

Dudesie! [CHUCKLING]

[WHIRRING]

-Hey, Dad. -Hey, son.

Dad, I just want to tell you

I really learned a lot from all this credit card business.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

In fact, I learned so much that

this time I know I can handle this new card I just got in the mail.

Give me the card, son.

-Dad, relax. I'm a changed person. -Son...

Dad, trust me. This time I won't overspend.

[WHIRRING]

-Thank you. -No problem.