Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Dudes! Dudes!

Impending doom! Red alert!

Attention, K Mart shoppers.

Problem, Cody?

Ah, yeah,

I just had this really weird dream about Al.

It was like a warning, a premonition,

a fax from the cosmos.

Check it out: Al is going to jail.

Cody, relax.

Just because you dreamed it, doesn't mean it's going to happen.

Karen's right.

There is absolutely no scientific basis for believing in premonitions.

[SCOFFS] Scoff if you will,

old pooh-poohers of the paranormal,

but I know what I saw.

It was Al.

Dude, she was wearing a striped shirt with numbers on it,

and she was standing behind bars.

Ha, ha. Check it out,

she is going to jail.

Hey, guys, check out my new hamster.

See him?

Wow!

It's just like my premonition.

Striped shirt. Numbers on it.

Behind bars. Ha ha.

Oh, and dude, this explains that big wheel in her cell.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be A second time around?

♪ Woah-oh, woah-oh

♪ When the tears are over And the moment has come

♪ Say "My lord, I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To be putting it together For the second time around

♪ Step by step Day by day

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall The stronger we stay

♪ And we'll be better The second time around

♪ Step by step Day by day

♪ We'll be better The second time around ♪

I'm too tired to chew.

I'm so tired, I've got Al's bra on

and I don't even care

Ah, man,

did you guys hear Dad snoring last night?

It sounded like a seal trying to hock up a loogie.

Good morning, everybody.

Dad, you have got to do something about your snoring.

You kept everyone up all night.

It wasn't me snoring.

It was Carol.

My mother snores?

Uh, how unattractive.

I hope it's not hereditary.

Hello, everybody.

Isn't it a beautiful morning?

What?

Nobody got any sleep last night

because somebody was snoring.

That's funny, I didn't hear you snoring.

It wasn't me snoring. It was you.

Me?

That's impossible. Women don't snore.

It's a guy thing. It's like...

Spitting and scratching.

Well, if it wasn't you snoring,

there was a big moose with a blond wig sleeping with me.

Well, that is ridiculous. I have never snored in my life.

Why would I suddenly start now?

Well, actually, Mom, there's a very good medical explanation.

You see, it's all part of the aging process.

First, your nasal passages are collapsing,

your uvula is elongating,

and face it, Mom,

gravity's taking everything down south.

Well, well, Mark, not everything.

Well, I don't care what anybody says, I was not snoring.

Mother, we all heard it.

All right, what did it sound like?

[ALL SNORING]

Oh, Dana, guess what?

Elaine is covering for me tomorrow at the beauty salon,

so I thought you and I could go check out

that new exhibit at the art museum.

Ah, Mom, you know I'd love to,

but I'm going to Chicago tomorrow.

I have an interview at the college with the Dean of Admissions.

You have an interview tomorrow?

Why didn't you tell me about that?

Mom... [SIGHS]

let me try and say this in a way that won't hurt your feelings

Sometimes you can just be a big pain in the butt.

Well, thank you, sweetheart.

That's just what every mother wants to hear.

Well, Mom, come on.

If I told you about this trip,

you'd want to come along and you would treat me like a baby.

I would not. Mom.

You would pick out my outfit, do my hair, make my lunch,

and probably cut the crusts off my sandwich.

But, you like it that way.

Mom, it's only for one day.

And I really want to do this by myself.

[SIGHS]

All right.

But you have to promise me you'll be careful. Alright.

And don't talk to strangers.

Big cities have a lot of weirdos in them.

It's not like here.

Impending doom!

Okay, so it is like it is here.

Dana, I just had this terrible dream about you

and I woke up and just rushed right in here.

And as you can see, I'm, uh, still dressed for the boudoir.

Cody, it's 3:00 in the afternoon.

Why were you still sleeping?

Oh, well, I gotta call this friend of mine in New Zealand, you know.

And I want to get adjusted to his time zone.

You know, there's an International Dateline and everything

and I'd hate to call him up, ha ha, you know, today

and have his phone ring yesterday.

I wasn't even home yesterday.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, anyway,

I dreamed that a man in a dark suit is going to attack Dana.

Well, at first he'll seem like a nice, normal guy,

but then when he's gained your trust, and sucked you in,

he'll turn on you

and attack you like a Diamondback Rattler.

[IMITATES A RATTLESNAKE]

Well, Cody's dream may be a little psychotic,

but he does make a good point.

Chicago is dangerous. I'm gonna go with you. I'll go make the sandwiches.

Mom, it was only a dream.

Yeah, but my dreams have a strange way of coming true.

Dana, I think you would be much better off

if you did not leave the house this weekend.

Cody, I have a college interview and I intend to keep it.

Ahh, you'd be much better off

if you just called up and rescheduled.

I'm telling you. What am I going to say?

I need to reschedule because

some guy in Bert and Ernie slippers,

living on New Zealand time,

had a dream that I was going to get attacked by a guy in a dark suit?

Well, there now, that wasn't so hard, now was it?

Cody, this interview is very important to me.

I'm going to Chicago tomorrow.

You know, Dana,

I'm beginning to think you don't take me very seriously.

Come on, Bert. Come on, Ernie.

We'll go some place where we're appreciated.

♪ A B C D E F G... ♪

You know, Dana, if I were you, I'd want to get out of town, too.

[LOUD SNORING]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Carol.

Honey. Honey.

Carol.

Mm.

Carol. Mm.

Carol. Mm.

You were snoring again.

Mm.

That's nice. I miss you, too, honey.

[SNORING]

Carol, I'm going to roll you over a little bit

so you don't snore. Okay?

Here we go.

No, thanks, I already had potatoes.

There we go.

Oh, boy.

[SIGHS]

[SNORING] God!

KAREN: Frank, make her stop!

JT: Yeah, put a cork in her mouth!

Okay.

Honey, I'm going to prop you up here, okay, just a little bit.

Okay, hand me a box of cowboys.

Yee-ha!

There we go. There we go.

That's it.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

Oh.

[SNORING] [EXCLAIMS]

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Here we are, Miss Foster.

If you'll just have a seat, we can begin your interview.

Thank you very much, Dean Stockwell.

Dean Stockwell?

Save yourself the trouble. No Quantum Leapjokes.

I wouldn't know any. I don't watch much TV.

Well, except PBS and things like that.

You know, a reasonable, well rounded amount

combined with a full array of stimulating extracurricular activities.

Nervous?

Just a little.

[TELEPHONE BUZZES]

Excuse me.

Yes?

Yes. All right.

All right, all right, I'll be right there.

Terribly sorry, but I must go and speak to the basketball coach.

It seems there's a very talented young man seeking admission.

Apparently, he can take a cheeseburger off the rim without actually jumping.

Obviously, college material.

Make yourself at home.

[SIGHS]

[WHISPERS] Psst, Dana.

This isn't happening.

Yo, Dana!

Cody, what are you doing here?

Well, isn't it obvious?

I came to protect you. Ha ha.

The old "George the Janitor" disguise.

Ha. Works every time.

How did you get in here?

You know, for a major university,

this building is not very secure.

All I had to do is jimmy a window in the basement,

crawl into a heating duct and shimmy up to the fifth floor.

Uh, then you pretty much got the run of the place.

Cody, listen very carefully.

I want you to crawl back into the heating duct,

shimmy back down to the basement

and jimmy yourself out of here.

Ahh, no way, man.

I've been hiding behind those curtains since 5:00 a.m.

I'm not going anywhere.

Unless it's to the little boy's room, huh.

DEAN: Listen, I don't care how tall he is.

If he can't spell basketball,

then he can't come here and dribble one.

Great drapes.

What, what kind of fabric is this?

Cheap polyester.

Right. Spend the money on the students.

Good thinking.

I'm sorry for the interruption.

Now, in interviews like this,

we like to get past the student's academic record

and find out more about them personally.

Why don't you tell me about your, uh, family.

No!

Well, I mean, there's not really much to tell.

I have a mother, a brother, a sister,

and a bunch of step people that have nothing to do with me whatsoever.

Actually, I think that's very interesting.

I find a lot of our students come from blended families these days.

What's it like for you?

Uh, is there any friction between you and your step family?

Friction?

Well, we've had our differences.

I mean, like, sometimes they can be really annoying,

showing up places where you really don't want them to be,

and you wish they'd just go away!

Are you currently taking any, oh, special medication?

We just like to know these things.

No. Uh, no, like I said, I'm just kind of nervous.

So, what can you tell me about the campus?

Well, the best thing about it is that it's got the beauty of a rural campus,

but it's convenient to downtown Chicago.

Let me show you what I mean.

If you lean out far enough, you can see the Sears Tower

right over the science building.

I don't see it.

Lean out a little further.

Don't do it, Dana, it's a trap!

No. Cody.

Run! Run! He's small, but he's wiry.

Cody, stop it!

[DEAN GRUNTING]

Cody, put him down. You idiot!

Let him go!

Yes, please do.

Don't worry, Dana. He can't hurt you now.

I've got him in my "jaws of death" grip. Heh, heh, heh.

I really am getting rather dizzy.

Cody, think about it.

If he was going to kill me,

would he do it in his office and make an appointment?

Whoa.

You have a point there.

Maybe what I thought was an attempted murder

is actually just a harmless college interview.

Yes!

Pfft. Whoa.

Color me embarrassed. Oh, man.

We haven't been properly introduced.

My name is Cody Lambert.

I'm one of those step people she didn't want to talk about.

Ha ha, how you doing?

I'd shake your hand, but I seem to have lost the feeling in my arms.

Whoa, dude, that sounds serious.

Has that ever happen before?

No, no, it just came on a minute ago.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go down to the infirmary now

and get a full body x ray.

Ugh!

I'll go with you.

Maybe we could, uh, continue the interview there.

No, no, I think I've learned all I need to know about you and your family.

Thank you.

Let yourselves out when you're done.

Well, I thought that interview went rather well, don't you?

Are you crazy?

You just body slammed the Dean of Admissions and sent him to the hospital.

Dana, you know what your problem is? You're too negative.

No, my problem is you.

For the nine billionth time,

you've screwed things up for me,

only this time it's serious.

I don't want to see you again.

I don't want to talk to you again.

I want you out of my life.

[DOOR SHUTS] Yeah, sure.

He actually had the Dean in a headlock?

Well, honey, I know you're upset,

but I really don't know any hit men.

CAROL: [OVER PHONE] Look, can we talk about this

when you get home in a couple of hours.

Well, actually, that's why I called.

My bus was delayed, so I won't be home until after midnight.

Midnight? That's so late.

Now, I want you to be careful.

Mom, I'll be fine.

I'll see you when I get home, okay?

Bye.

WOMAN: [OVER P.A.] All passengers on Bus 39 to Peoria,

please prepare to board your bus at Gate Number Three.

Last call for passengers on Bus 4 to Madison, Wisconsin,

now departing Gate Number One.

[COINS CLINKING]

It took me an hour to get a cup of coffee out of this darn thing.

Excuse me, I think I figured out the secret.

Oh, well, I guess I've lost my touch.

That's all right, it just fits with the rest of my day.

Having a bad one, huh?

Well, it's a long story, but basically, I blew a college interview.

Oh, boy.

You could use a break.

Hey, look, there's a coffee shop around the corner.

Let me buy you a cup.

No thanks. I think I'll just stay here.

Come on, the fresh air'll do you good.

Let's, uh, get something to eat.

No, thanks. Excuse me.

Hey, come on. Let's go for a walk. Have a few laughs.

I'm not in the mood.

Let me go.

Oh, relax, I'm a really nice guy, once you get to know me.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Hey!

I think you better get out of here, dude.

Well, maybe I'm not ready to leave yet.

[SHATTERING]

Okay, I'm all warmed up.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just, uh,

have to get all my stuff together.

Look at this, I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning.

I can't believe I forgot to do that.

I wanted to wear my green sweater tomorrow.

[CRYING]

Oh, God, Cody, I was so scared.

Hey, it's okay, Dana.

Everything's going to be okay.

Come here, we'll sit down for a second.

I thought you went home.

Well, you know, I started to,

but I couldn't shake this feeling that you were in danger.

Ha ha, oh, man.

You know, so I tried to just clear out my mind as best as I could.

Well, usually I'm pretty good at that.

But this time, this weird feeling kept coming over me.

Like some kind of psychic snooze alarm.

Lucky thing I didn't shut it off.

Phew!

Pretty strange, huh?

Cody, when it comes to you,

nothing is normal and everything is strange.

Yeah, I know.

Ah, come on, I'll give you a ride home.

Is it okay if we just sit here for a sec?

Sure.

Think you can teach me that karate kick thing?

Piece of cake.

No coffee machine can stand up to it.

[LAUGS]

Thank you.

[SNORING]

I just wanna go to sleep!

If I wasn't so tired, I'd knock you out.

This snoring thing must stop now.

Don't worry, Karen. My dad said he's got a way to fix the problem.

Okay, everybody, here we go.

Good idea, Dad. Hot glue her lips together.

I can't do that, Al. She's liable to blow the back of her head.

So, what are you gonna do?

Well, I got a buddy who works at the runway down at the airport,

he's gonna loan me some of those earplugs they use

But in the meantime...

I'm gonna help you guys out by weather stripping and sound proofing this door.

Frank, aren't you concerned that you're gonna wake Mom up?

Are you kidding me? If she can't hear that snoring, she can't hear this.

[SNORING CONTINUES]

[HAMMER THUDDING]

Mmm...

Yee-haw!