Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Honey, would you hand me another cookie, please.

I have a better idea.

Why don't we share one?

Man. The geezers are feeding each other again.

Can't you guys knock before you come in a room?

Can't you guys eat a cookie without getting turned on?

Everybody, I've got great news.

You are looking at Wisconsin's newest licensed driver.

Karen! I passed my test!

Oh, that is great, congratulations.

Isn't that great, Frank?

Uh, yeah, congratulations. Way to go. Ha, whoopee.

Aren't you happy for me?

Well, yes, Karen, I am.

But it just means now we have another teenage driver

who will be dinging up the cars.

Oh, man, that is so unfair.

I mean, you take out one phone booth and you're branded for life.

JT, the phone booth was inside a restaurant.

It said, "Drive Thru."

Son, this is not a joke.

Now, Carol and I are tired of worrying about teenagers wrecking the cars.

Well, you know, Frank,

the three of us have been talking about that very issue

and we've come up with a plan

that's gonna make your life a whole lot easier.

Oh, and, what is this plan?

You and Mom are gonna buy us a car.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It, it doesn't have to be a new car.

[BOTH LAUGHING HARDER]

Hey, we're serious about this.

[BOTH LAUGHING EVEN HARDER]

I don't think they're gonna buy us a car.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ The dream, wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be A second time around?

♪ Woah-a, woah-a When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My lord, I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To be putting it together For the second time around

♪ Step by step Day by day

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall The stronger we stay

♪ And we'll be better The second time around

♪ Step by step Day by day

♪ We'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

Hey, Dad. Can I have the classifieds? I want to look for a car.

JT, I told you, we're not buying you guys a car.

I know. So the girls and I have decided to pool our money

and, uh, buy one ourselves.

Use your own money?

I like the sound of that.

How much money you got?

Four hundred and eleven bucks.

JT, the only car you can get for four hundred bucks, has snakes living in it.

There must be something in here we can afford.

Let's see here.

Well, here we go.

"1978 Toyota, air conditioning, low mileage,

"four hundred bucks."

Hmm.

"Scuba gear required to locate and salvage."

So maybe it's gonna take a little more time to find a car we can afford.

Oh, do you know what? I know who has got a car you can afford.

Who? Fred Flintstone.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

Hi, Frank. Oh, hi, honey.

1 have got something that's gonna help our marriage.

You got the nurse's cap?

No. I bought this book called, Ten Minutes A Day To A Better Marriage

Oh, honey, this is one of those self-improvement books.

You read them, and then I have to improve.

Frank, people who don't work on their marriages slowly drift apart.

All I'm asking for is ten minutes a day.

Doing what?

Hmm, just some simple exercises,

like writing each other love notes

or expressing our affection in public.

I've got an exercise that takes about ten minutes

and I guarantee you, we won't drift apart.

Frank? Hmm?

You do this for me, and I promise,

I'll bring you breakfast in bed every Sunday morning

wearing nothing but a smile and that nurse's cap.

I think our marriage is getting better already.

Hey, Frank, I was, uh, getting a wrench out of your toolbox.

I found this.

It's addressed to

"My Little Love Bunny."

That's, uh, from my wife. Virg, here, I'll take it.

No, no, no, now I think probably the guys would like to hear it.

No, I don't think they would.

ALL: Yeah.

Sorry, boss. Majority rules.

"My Dearest Darling Frank.

"I'm sitting here at the kitchen table

"thinking of your luscious tender lips."

Whoo, hot.

Hey, what's going on?

Virgil's reading a love note to Frank.

Dude.

"I think of you day and night.

"Dreaming of the moment when we can melt into each other's arms.

"Expressing our passion in the most intimate way.

"You are truly the man of my dreams.

"I love you with all my heart."

[WHOOPING]

Hey, uh, Uncle Frank? Yeah?

I'm no expert but I think Virgil's got the Love Jones for you.

Cody, you don't understand.

Hey, come on, Uncle Frank. "Melt into each other's arms?"

"Expressing our passion in the most intimate way?"

Face it, he ain't asking you to go bowling.

Everybody. Aw geez!

There's something I want you all to know.

I love Frank Lambert more than anybody else in the world.

Yeah, I wouldn't bet on that, Carol.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Dana, oh, JT called and left you a message.

What was the message?

Well, I don't know. After he said it was for you, I stopped listening.

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, yeah, that's what the message was.

He bought a car.

He bought a car! That's fantastic!

[CAR MAKING LOUD NOISES]

Well, here she is.

Our new car!

JT, turn that thing off.

I did.

But this baby's so peppy, she just wants to keep running.

[SPUTTERING]

[BACKFIRING AND DYING]

JT, this is not a car,

this is 2,000 pounds of metal looking for a place to die.

Believe me, this is the only car I could find for four hundred bucks.

It's an eyesore.

So are you, but we keep you around.

I'll bet it doesn't even have a radio.

It's got something better.

It's called, "an eight track tape player".

I even talked the guy into giving me his tapes.

All right, check it out, here's one by Glen Campbell

and here's one by Cher that she made with some dude named "Sony."

Hey, check this out.

The headlight came right off.

Gimme that, that's part of the car.

Let's go for a ride. Come on.

Great!

DANA: Shotgun.

Hey, I want to sit in the front seat.

No, I need a shotgun to kill JT.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[SPUTTERING]

Ah, everything's fine.

It's probably just running a little rich.

I'll check it out.

If it starts up, hit the gas and run him down.

My God, the engine fell out.

Whoa, dude! A '62 VW Bug.

The Rolls Royce of the working man.

What are you doing, cuz?

I'm looking for the engine.

Oh, that's right over here.

You weren't looking in the front, were you?

Nah. I was just playing a little trick on the girls.

Hey, Cody, you know a lot about cars.

Maybe you can fix this hunk of junk.

Sure, have no fear, the Codeman's here.

I can fix anything.

Whoa, dude.

Whoa, whoa.

Hope you ain't needing this thing right away.

CAROL: ♪ Birds do it

♪ Bees do it

♪ And little educated fleas do it

♪ Let's do it

♪ Let's fall in love ♪

[HUMMING]

What's this?

Did you write me a little love note?

Well, I said I would give this book a try.

Oh, you are so sweet.

"Dear Carol, you sure smell good. Love, Frank."

And you do.

Well, that's a good start.

Okay.

Tonight's exercise is designed to improve intimacy.

Ooh, intimacy.

That's my kind of exercise.

Come on, come on.

No, no, Frank. Not that kind of intimacy.

See, the book says to be truly close with your spouse,

you have to be truly honest with them.

Okay?

All right, now. "Exercise number five.

"Tell your mate something you've been keeping secret from them

"because you thought they might get mad at you."

I don't think that's a very good idea.

Why not?

Because you might get mad at me.

Oh, Frank, I'm not going to get mad at you.

Now, come on, give it a try.

Okay.

You know, uh, last month when I said I lost $10 in my monthly poker game?

Well, the truth is, it was 30.

Oh, Frank, you don't have to keep things like that from me.

Really?

Well, in that case, it was 50.

Okay, so it was 50.

I mean, knowing you've been honest is more important than the money.

Honey, this is great. I love the feeling of not keeping anything from you.

Okay, my turn. Okay.

Oh, boy, this is hard,

but the book says I should do it, so I'm going to do it.

There's some money you don't know about.

What do you mean?

Well, I have a little savings account of my own.

Well, hey, that's all right.

You deserve to have a little mad money.

Well, actually, it's more than a little mad money.

It's $3500.

Oh, boy, I feel so much better.

"$3500?"

Well, actually now with interest, it's probably closer to 3600.

Anyway, it was money I had before we met.

So, I put it aside to protect my children

because I wasn't 100% sure our marriage would work out.

[GASPS IN RELIEF]

I tell you, I've been holding that inside now for two and a half years.

Oh, boy, I feel so much better now.

Don't you?

No!

Well, the book says you're supposed to feel better.

Yeah, well, the book was wrong.

What do you mean you "weren't sure our marriage was going to last?"

Well, Frank, be realistic, we only dated for a week.

Nobody could be sure in a week.

I was. I was sure from the first night.

You know, I have an idea. Why don't we move on

to the hugging and cuddling exercise?

I don't feel cuddly huggly.

I want to know why you weren't sure.

Well, what difference does it make, Frank? I'm sure now.

Oh, you weren't sure till just now?

Well, no, I was sure almost right away.

Then why did you wait until now to tell me about the money?

Well, I thought that if I told you, that you'd get mad at me.

Yeah, well, you were right.

What are you doing?

I'm going out.

Why are you so upset?

Because if you weren't sure then,

how do I know you're sure now?

Okay, guys, come on out. Car's all fixed.

Yeah, buddy.

Cruise mobile is ready to hit the highway.

What was wrong with it?

Oh, nothing much. It just needed new points,

plugs, condenser, rotor, coil, carburetor,

generator and two new intake valves.

But other than that, this baby is cherry.

Thanks, Cody

No problem. Oh, you know what?

and there are a couple of other things you might want to keep your eye on.

Like what?

Uh, like, the clutch, the brakes, the rear axle, the "U" joint and the shocks.

And whatever you do, don't honk the horn, might start a fire.

Hey, Dana,

I made some calls and I got those insurance quotes you asked for.

Blow away, Blondie. Insurance is a waste.

Don't listen to him, Blondie. How much is it?

Well, the best price I could find

for three teenagers having their own car

is $4600 a year.

"$4600?" The car only cost 400.

Oh, this is just great.

We spent all our money buying and fixing this thing,

and now we'll never even be able to drive it.

Yeah, well, you two can do what you want.

I'm driving the car with or without insurance.

JT, that's a really bad idea.

What if you have another accident?

Relax, Barky.

I'm not some bonehead lady driver, okay.

I'm not gonna have an accident.

[ENGINE STARTS]

See ya later.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Well, it's like they say,

"friends shouldn't let friends drive stupid."

[HORN HONKS]

Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire.

MARK: Fire Department. 911.

CO2. Stop, drop and roll.

Hey, Carol.

Hi, Cody.

How's it going?

Well, to tell you the truth, Cody, not so good

Frank and I had a little skirmish last night.

Whoa, skirmish, say no more.

That Middle Eastern food is a killer.

Oh, man, I had skirmish last week,

I spent more time in the john than the Tidy Bowl Man.

No, Cody, I meant, Frank and I had a fight.

I've never seen him so upset.

He spent the night at his office.

Oh, wow, that sounds bad.

Ah, but you guys love each other.

I mean, don't worry, you'll work it out.

I'm just going to take a shower and then I'm going for a drive.

No, Frank, don't go. We need to talk.

I don't feel like it.

Please.

Okay. You want to talk? Fine. Let's talk.

I'll just leave you guys alone.

Yeah, no, Cody, uh, why don't you stick around.

I'd like to have a witness while Carol tries to explain

why she didn't think our marriage was going to last.

All right, you want Cody here, fine.

I made a mistake, right,

but Frank, here, is blowing it all out of proportion.

I had $3500, I put in a secret account

because I wasn't sure our marriage was gonna work out.

Is that such a horrible thing?

Well, to tell you the truth, yeah.

I mean, when two people are united in the bondage of holy matrimony,

they're supposed to put the past behind them.

You know, and cleave unto one another.

Yeah.

"Cleave," that's the problem.

There's not enough cleavage.

You know what I mean.

Frank, before we got married, we'd only dated for a week.

I was scared.

Yeah, I hear you, Carol.

But, I mean, what you did would be like if Uncle Frank, oh, I don't know,

uh, kept that little black book he had

with all his girlfriend's phone numbers in it. Right, Uncle Frank?

Well, no, Cody, that's not exactly the same thing. But thanks for your help.

Carol and I can take it from here.

Are you sure? I mean, I could stay and help some more.

No, no, no, no, no.

You've done more than enough, pal. Thanks a bunch.

You know, honey,

you were right.

I have blown this whole thing out of proportion.

What do you say we just let bygones be bygones, huh?

And get into some serious cleaving?

You still have your little black book, don't you?

Well, now, that's a very complicated question.

Yes or no?

Yes. Well, I guess it wasn't that complicated.

Oh, I don't believe this.

You've been torturing me because of my savings account

and you've been walking around holding onto your little tramp directory?

Ah, Carol, it's up in the attic with my old tax returns.

I put it there when we got married.

And I swear, I haven't looked at it since.

Then why didn't you throw it away?

Well, because everything happened so fast.

We got married in a week.

You still haven't answered the question.

Would you just let it go?

No, I want an answer.

I was scared. I didn't know if it was going to last either.

I didn't know I was scared

until just now.

Why would I be scared?

Frank, we only knew each other for a week before we got married.

I mean, let's face it, we both had marriages

that didn't work out the first time.

Yeah.

I guess when you get hurt,

you don't want to take a chance and get hurt again.

I'm really glad we took a chance, Frank.

Me, too.

Marrying you was the best thing I've ever done.

I love you.

I love you, too, Frank.

Okay, here's the change. Enjoy the door.

Hey, thanks, I will.

Hey, you know, you might want to roll up that window,

uh, they say it's going to rain tonight.

Yeah, right.

I can't believe we had to sell my car for parts.

Well, face it, dude,

that car was worth more dead than alive.

Check it out, 425 bucks.

Uh, thanks for getting my money back.

You know, I'm gonna miss that old VW. It was my first car.

Yeah, I knew you'd feel that way, cuz,

so I saved you a little something to remember her by.

[I GOT YOU, BABE BY CHER PLAYING]

♪ They say we're young and we don't know

♪ We won't find out until we grow

Hit it, Sony.

[SINGING ALONG] ♪ Well I don't know if all that's true

♪ 'Cause you got me, and baby I got you

♪ Babe... ♪