Original subtitles

Uh, Carol, honey,

hurry up. We're going to be late for the wedding.

What is taking her so long?

Well, hey, Uncle Frank, it's not that easy

to put on pantyhose when you got long fingernails.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Carol doesn't have long fingernails.

Oh, well, then she's just messing with your head, dude.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Frank. Huh?

Do I look fat in this dress?

Oh, honey, you look fantastic.

That dress looks really great on you.

I'll go change.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Messin' with your head, buddy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting It together

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step, day by day

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

♪ It will be better

♪ The second time around

♪ Step by Step, day by day

♪ We'll make it better

♪ Second time around ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Dana burger.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, don't bother me.

You got it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, whatcha doing?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, I was reading.

Whoa, A Brief History of Time.

I wonder if they got A Brief History of Newsweek?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's not about Time magazine.

It's about the theory of relativity

and the origins of the universe.

Whoa, the great mysteries of life.

I've pondered quite a few of those myself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, what really was the purpose of Stonehenge?

How did they build the great pyramids?

Why did Thurston Howell the Third

take so much luggage on a three hour tour?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Here's something I've pondered

Why won't you leave me alone?

Ooh, good question.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hi, guys.

Cody, I need to talk to Dana.

It's kind of "girl talk."

Cool.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, you mean "girl talk" like

just girls?

Beam me up, Scotty. I'm on the planet of the chicks.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, what's up?

This great guy came into the diner.

His name is Michael. He's rich, he's gorgeous,

and he's got a great car.

Sounds perfect for you.

Well, there is one problem.

He's really smart.

Well, thank goodness you found out now,

before you got married and had a bunch of smart children.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, no, see, see, what I mean is,

he's interested in intellectual stuff.

So, I need you to talk to him.

Why?

Because I need a scout.

See, you find out what he's interested in,

then I'll read up on it so I can

fake a conversation with him until we're kissing.

Then he won't care what we're talking about.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Karen, why would I do this for you?

Because we're sisters.

So? We're friends.

So?

I'll keep Cody away from you for two weeks.

Deal.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR LOCK UNLOCKS]

Come on, Carol. Would you stop with the silent treatment?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's because I didn't dance with you at the wedding, isn't it?

I am not speaking to you.

Fine.

Get back here. I'm not done not speaking to you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I sat at that wedding for three hours

while every woman danced except me.

You danced. Oh, right,

with your 92 year old Uncle Ned, who kept grabbing my butt.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He is old, he has to have something to hold on to.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, Frank, just give me three good reasons why you won't dance

and then I'll drop the whole thing.

I hate it,

I can't do it,

and when I try, I feel like a complete fool.

Well, those are pretty thin excuses.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

CO: Penny, table twOKo's order's ready.

[CHATTERING]

Okay, Dana, I know Michael is gorgeous,

but when he comes in, play it really cool.

Cook: Table 14, pick up.

That's him! That's him! That's him! That's him! That's him!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very cool, Karen.

Now, why don't you go in the kitchen

before you scare him away? Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, sure. Let me have a cheese danish to go, please.

Hmmm, "The Beat Generation"?

Yeah. The Beat Generation was the term--

That Jack Kerouac used to

describe his generation of writers

and poets in New York in the fifties.

That's right.

I'm partial to Allen Ginsberg myself.

Really? Me, too.

My favorite is Howl.

"I saw the best minds of my generation

destroyed by madness."

"Starving,

hysterical, naked,

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn

looking for an angry fix--"

"Angelheaded hipsters burning for

"the ancient heavenly connection

"to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night--"

"Who poverty and tatters

"and hollowed eyed and high

"Dana: sat up smoking in the supernatural

"darkness of cold water flats

"floating across the tops of cities--"

Both: "Contemplating jazz."

That's amazing.

I've never met anybody who knew that poem other than me.

Neither have I.

Uh.

I hope you like this.

How much?

I hope you like it a lot.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, no, I mean, how much for the cheese danish?

Oh, it's a dollar.

Uh, hey, listen, they're doing a reading of some of

Ginsberg's early works tonight at Langley College.

Would you like to go with me?

Well, I can't really do that.

See, my sister kind of...

well, she really wanted to...

Well, she's a drip so who cares what she wants?

Great.

Great, I'll, uh, pick you up at seven at your place.

Where do you live?

You don't have to come to my house. COOK: Up and ready.

Hey, how about if I meet you in

front of the student union building?

Oh, okay, I'll I'll see you there at seven thirty?

Yeah, okay. Okay.

Yeah. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

[CHATTER]

COOK: Four hamburgers, getting cold.

Well, what was he like? Tell me everything.

He was so quiet, I couldn't find out a thing.

Nothing?

Don't worry.

I'm going to keep talking to him every chance I get.

It may take weeks,

it may take months,

but I'm going to keep talking to him...for you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Dana, you're the best.

I wouldn't go that far.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Dana: I'm telling you, he is gorgeous.

We went to a poetry reading last night

and we're going to dinner and a movie tonight.

No, Linda, I did not steal Michael from Karen.

He's not her boyfriend.

Hey, whose side are you on?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, no, I don't have any reason to feel guilty.

Look, I gotta go before Karen comes in.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Dana: Alright. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, what'd she say?

Come on, what'd she say?

Dana is stealing Karen's boyfriend!

Dude.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Guys, it's moments like this

that makes all those hours of recording Dana and Karen's

boring phone calls worthwhile.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, I just had an interesting thought.

If we told Karen this, she'd kill Dana.

Yeah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Chick fight. Chick fight.

Chick fight.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

ANNOUNCER: Looking for the perfect gift

for the outdoorsman in your family? Well, look no more.

Wizco presents "The Fishin' Magician."

37 fishing tools in one.

Everything you need to catch it,

gut it, bone it, fry it and eat it.

And it all hangs right on your belt.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Gotta have that.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All this for just $19.95.

Call now. Operators are standing by.

Ha ha. Yeah,"Fishin' Magician?"

Look, I gotta go.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Who was that?

Ah, some jerk trying to sell me something over the phone.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look, Frank, you know, I've been thinking.

I know this dancing thing is awkward for you,

but I think I've come up with a solution.

I bought this "Learn How To Dance" kit.

Oh, honey, would you drop the dancing thing?

I don't make you do things you don't want to do.

Oh, right, like it was my idea to

ride that pig at the state fair.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, that was fun.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Frank, I rode a pig for you, you can learn to dance.

Okay, Okay, here. You put the music on,

and I'll set up the dance floor.

See, this kit comes with these little plastic feet

with numbers on them. And you

just lay them down on the floor and then you follow along.

Well, now, honey, I'm warning you, my mom tried to teach me

how to dance when I was 13. That's why she has that limp.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Come on, Frank, just give it a try.

Okay!

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now,

one two three,

one ow! Frank, the pink feet are mine.

Well, I'm sorry, I saw a three and went for it, okay?

Well, Frank, concentrate.

Carol, I hate this dancing thing.

I don't want to do it anymore.

Well, that's great, Frank.

I ask you to do one little thing but you won't do it.

Fine, if that's the way you want it, fine.

See if I ride anymore pigs for you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

ANNOUNCER: And one, two, three.

Aren't we having fun?

Shut up!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, Karen. Got something for you.

A baseball bat? Why would I want that?

Oh, I don't know. Go down to the batting cage,

hit a few fungos,

kill Dana in her sleep.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

JT, what are you talking about?

You know that guy Michael you're so hot for?

Dana's been dating him for a week.

What?

Yep. She's meeting him down at the 50's Cafe in an hour.

You're lying.

If only I were.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

DANA: No, Linda, I did not steal Michael from Karen.

He's not her boyfriend.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

DANA: No, Linda, I did not steal Michael from Karen.

He's not her boyfriend.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'll kill her. Okay, alright. Now, remember,

swing with your whole body.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, bruises heal.

But emotional pain lasts a lifetime.

Ooh, I like the way you think.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What are you going to do? Watch and learn.

Hello, Michael?

This is Karen Foster, Dana's sister.

There's something you need to know about Dana.

I hate to be the one to tell you,

but she's not 18,

she's 14.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Life is good.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Cook: Order fries, pick up.

I never thought I'd say this, but Karen is a genius.

Dana is gonna die.

There she is.

Show time.

Hi. You look nice.

Listen, I think we need to talk.

What's wrong?

I think you know what's wrong.

Dana, we can't keep seeing each other.

Why not? The age thing.

You're 21 and I'm 18. What's the big deal?

Come on, Dana. I spoke to your big sister, Karen.

She told me you're only 14.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

14?

I'm not 14, I'm 18.

Dana, this isn't funny. I could get in a lot of trouble.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look, Karen is lying.

She said you'd say that.

I am not 14.

Do I look 14?

No, not with all that makeup and those fake

boobs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, these boobs are real, buddy!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Excuse me, this is a private conversation!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Dana, Dana,

Dana, take it easy. Look, there is nothing wrong with being 14.

It's a wonderful age.

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, Dana.

JT, thank God you're here.

Gee, is there some sort of a problem?

Yes. Tell Michael how old I am.

Oh, okay, sure, sure. You just had a birthday, right?

Right. Okay. She's fourteen.

Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Tell the truth.

Tell the truth. Take it easy. Take it easy.

You know, they hit puberty and

their hormones just go crazy, you know?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm going to kill Karen.

She used to be such a sweet little girl.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Uncle Frank. Hey, Cody.

Whoa, hey, what's wrong?

Did you eat one of those burritos off the truck again?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No. Carol's mad at me.

Well, no wonder. You tracked paint all over the floor.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Cody, these are used to teach you how to dance.

Carol's mad at me because I won't learn.

Why is it women make such a

big deal out of us dancing with them?

Well, Uncle Frank,

it all goes back to ancient times.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, when tribal male would be invited to a social gathering,

the male would be perfectly happy to sit by the fire

and just stare into the flames.

This, of course, was before cable television.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The women, on the other hand,

craved human contact.

You know, they needed to be close

to their men, to know they were loved.

Well, I want Carol to know that I love her, but

what am I gonna do? I just can't dance.

Hey, if I can dance, anybody can dance.

You know how to dance?

Yeah, buddy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I do the Tango, the Mambo, the Samba, the Fox Trot,

the Cha cha cha and a pretty mean Bossa Nova,

if I do say so myself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Where did you learn all that?

Well, I was supposed to take guitar lessons,

but I went in the wrong building.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't know what to do. Carol is so mad at me.

Uncle Frank,

for the sake of your marriage, I'm going to say

something to you I never thought I'd never hear myself say.

What?

May I have this dance?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't have time right now.

But later, I'm going to have a lot of questions.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

You conniving little snake.

Now, now. Is that any way for a 14 year old to talk?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You had no right to do that.

And you had no right to steal my boyfriend.

Michael was never your boyfriend.

He would have been, if it wasn't for you.

You're just mad because for once, a guy picked me over you.

You cheated. What difference does it make?

You're gonna find another guy in two seconds anyway.

You always do. Just flutter your eyelashes and

smile and guys fall all over you.

It's easy for you.

For me?

You're the one who has it easy.

I have to flirt, I don't have all the things you have.

Please. It's true.

You're smart, you're funny, and you always know what to say.

You can have any guy you want.

If I was you, I wouldn't have to work so hard to get guys.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying you're jealous of me?

Well... yeah.

I can't believe this.

You're the one who's always saying

that guys aren't interested in a girl's mind.

Well, I just say that because,

you know,

I'm not very smart.

Yes, you are.

You're smart and you're beautiful.

That's why you get all the guys.

I'm just smart.

What are you talking about? You're gorgeous.

No, I'm not.

Of course you are.

Hey, I spend a lot of time listening in

on guys' conversations at school

and, believe me, they think you're hot.

The guys at school really think I'm hot?

I can't believe you didn't know that.

Well, I can't believe that you don't know that you're smart.

Dana, you don't have to say that.

Yes, I do.

Because you need to hear it.

You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for.

Well, if I'm so smart, why don't I get the same grades you do?

Because you don't study for 19 hours a day.

Unlike me, you actually have a life.

And besides that, you have people smarts.

You know how to size people up,

how to handle tough situations,

how to tell a guy I'm 14 and make me look like a jerk.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, I guess I am kind of smart.Yeah.

Thanks, Dana.

I'm glad you're my sister.

Me, too.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Here, Mom,

I found these dishes under JT's bed.

You might want to let them soak for a while.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, I've got a big test tomorrow

so I'm gonna go to bed early.

Okay. Goodnight, honey. Goodnight.

Don't forget to brush your teeth.

Okay. Okay. And don't go to sleep if your hair's still wet.

And remember, when you grow up,

make sure you dance with your wife.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Carol, would you come in the living room?

Well, Frank, I'm kind of busy.

Please, honey, it'll just take a minute.

Fine.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

What's going on?

May I have this dance?

♪ It had to be you

You learned to dance?

When? How?

It all started when Cody went to take guitar lessons.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Believe me,you' re better off not knowing the rest.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, this is so sweet of you.

And you're good, too. So light on your feet.

That's what Cody says.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ Could give me a thrill

♪ With all of your faults

♪ I love you still

♪ It had to be you

♪ Wonderful you

♪ It had to be you

Are you sure JT will fall for this?

I guarantee it.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I got it.

Linda? Perfect timing.

Okay, now, put down the phone, we'll take it from here.

Dana: Karen, it's for you. It's a boy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hi, Jimmy, I'm so glad you called.

You know, I've been thinking about

what we can do on our date Friday night.

Let's go for a drive

and then park in a nice, dark, romantic place.

Then, let's get in the back seat,

and then, here's what we're going to do.

Are you listening?

[AIRHORNS BLOW]

JT: Owww!