Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Problem, Al?

Nothing you can help me with.

It's about boys.

Hey, I know a little bit about boys.

Yeah, well, I need someone who knows a lot about boys.

Hi, guys.

The doctor is in.

Hey, Karen, have you got a minute?

Oh, sorry, Al, I've got homework. I'm really kind of busy.

It's about boys.

But never too busy to help those in need.

Now, what's the problem?

Well, there's this guy named Jeff that I like.

I was hoping he was going to ask me to the school dance,

but he asked Suzy Blair instead.

Suzy Blair? Your friend down the street?

Yeah. I mean, I don't get it.

I'm smarter than she is, I'm funnier,

and I'm a better athlete.

What does she have that I don't have?

I can answer that in one word,

hooters.

Hey, I've got hooters!

Al, you've got hooters.

Suzy's got hooters.

That's the reason he asked her out?

Man, guys are pigs.

Exactly.

They're grunting, drooling, hormone driven slime.

Yeah.

Some of them are pretty cute.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ The dream, wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be A second time around?

♪ Woah-a, woah-a When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My lord, I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To be putting it together For the second time around

♪ Step by step Day by day

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall The stronger we stay

♪ And we'll be better The second time around

♪ Step by step Day by day

♪ We'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: Okay, the whole game comes down to this one play.

In fact, the whole season is riding on this play.

Oh, good, you're not doing anything.

[TURNS OFF TV]

Frank, remember when we were talking about re-decorating this room?

When were we talking about re-decorating?

Well, you may have been asleep.

Anyway, I found some great furniture in this magazine.

How do you like this couch?

Oh, that's

nice.

"Nice?" What does that mean?

It means I hate it.

Well, then,

what about this one?

Ha! That's really nice.

Come on, Frank, you never like anything.

That's not true, honey.

I saw something in a magazine I wanted to show you. I loved it.

Now,

look at that baby.

How'd you like to park your carcass in that, huh?

Frank, we are not getting a chair shaped like a Green Bay Packers helmet.

Honey, this is not just a helmet chair,

it's an entire home entertainment system.

Now look, they've got little places to put your snacks and your drinks.

And this footrest, it's not just a giant football,

it's an ice chest.

Oh, that's great. Now the only time you have to get up

during the game is to go to the bathroom.

Not if you get the deluxe model.

Oh, that is disgusting.

Hey, Uncle Frank. Hey, Cody.

Can I borrow some of your cologne?

The one with, "the manly scent of the open sea." [CHUCKLES]

Be my guest.

Thanks, bro'.

Hey, I don't remember you using cologne before. What's the occasion?

Oh, well, I got a blind date.

Well, I mean, she's not actually blind.

Although, she might be. I never met her.

Cody, how did you two hook up?

Oh, well, she answered an ad I put in a motorcycle magazine.

Uh, Code,

this isn't that woman who wrote you from prison, is it?

Oh, no way, Uncle Frank. She turned out to be a real loser.

In fact, she turned out to be a guy.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, that must be my date. Wish me luck.

Good luck. Okay.

Hi.

Are you Cody?

Yeah. You Bonnie?

Yeah.

Cool.

[CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY]

Are you as nervous as I am?

Yeah, buddy. Oh, man.

Hey, why don't you come on in.

Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've got a little problem.

Hey, you aren't a guy are you?

Um, actually, my problem is, I couldn't get a sitter,

so I had to bring my son on our date.

I hope it's okay.

Oh, yeah. No problem.

I'd love to have the little dude hang out with us.

Great. Thanks a lot. Riley, come on in.

Hey, Riley, I'm Cody. How's it going?

Good.

"Good?"

All right, a man of a few words.

The Clint Eastwood of the kindergarten.

Come on in. Uh.

So, what do you guys want to do tonight?

Could we go to the video arcade?

Oh, Riley, I don't think Cody wants to...

Oh, dude, the video arcade!

Oh, man, you read my mind. I love that place.

What's your favorite game?

Alien Warlords.

Dude, Alien Warlords.

Are we simpatico or what?

What's your highest score?

Twenty eight million.

Wow!

"Twenty eight million?"

Dude, you've got the highest score on the machine.

You're R-P-G.

Yeah, but C-M-L is catching up.

C-M-L that's me. Codeman Lambert.

Come on, dude, let's go.

All right. This is the coolest blind date I ever had.

[CHUCKLING]

Mind if I tag along?

Ninety six,

ninety seven,

ninety eight,

ninety nine,

a hundred.

One,

two,

three,

four,

five.

Al,

what are you doing?

Working on my backhand.

What do you think I'm doing?

Al, I know what you're going through.

But I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Sorry, bad choice of words.

I hate being a girl.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Remember when we were her age and used to worry about this stuff?

Boy, I'm glad those days are over.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey. I have some great news.

You do? Yeah.

Yeah, I know how you hate shopping for furniture,

so I saved you the trouble and I went out

and I bought us a whole new living room myself.

You did? Yes.

Yes, and I really think you're gonna like it.

You do?

Now, I know what you're thinking.

No, you don't.

You're thinking it doesn't go with the room,

but it will.

See, I'm going to whitewash all the wood, and then bleach the floors,

and then paint the walls a creamy mauve

to pick up just the hint of cranberry in the pillows.

See, what I want to do is open up the room

and make it light and bright and airy,

so it feels like we're floating on a big, puffy cloud.

Where's our old furniture?

Oh, it's in the garage.

Come here, Frank. I want you to sit on this couch,

it's really comfortable.

Oh, honey, this isn't a man's sofa, it's a girl's sofa.

I can't watch football sitting on a bunch of pansies.

I don't even like the way that sounds.

Come on, Frank, give it a chance,

and if you don't like it, we can take it back in ten days.

How much did all this stuff cost?

Oh, practically nothing.

The store was going out of business.

What a shock.

Wow. Cool. New furniture.

All right.

Hey, you know something, Carol,

if you whitewashed all the wood and bleached out the floors,

I'd feel like I was floating on a big, puffy cloud.

See?

Of course, I'd have a mondo sexual identity crisis.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that must be Bonnie and Riley.

Hey, you're seeing a lot of those two lately.

Yeah. It's amazing how much we have in common.

Yeah, we like the same music, we like the same food.

Bonnie's pretty cool, too.

Hey, how you doing?

Do you guys know Carol and Frank?

No. No. Hi, nice to meet you.

Hi. Hi. Hi, Riley. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Do you have anything good to eat?

Riley. No, no, it's okay.

I was just gonna go to the kitchen to get something for myself.

You know, I think we have one grape popsicle left and I'll race you for it.

Are you gonna let me win?

Absolutely not. Ready? Set? Go!

Ooh, Frank's lagging behind

because his wife's sissy furniture

sapped all his strength.

Hello. Hey.

Boy, you look great tonight.

You always look great.

So, what do you want to do tonight?

Well, I thought we were taking Riley to the movies?

No, I mean, after that.

Oh. Well, I don't know.

I thought maybe we'd go to your house, put Riley to bed, you know,

we could watch some TV or something.

Well, I thought we'd do something different tonight.

After Riley's asleep, let's build a fire and put on some music.

Ooh, hey, that sounds great.

And maybe tonight, you can stay a little while longer.

Like, until breakfast.

Whoa.

Hey.

You know, I really like you and all, but I kinda got a problem with that.

You know, I mean, I think a dude and a dudette should,

you know, be married before they,

do the "wild monkey dance."

Really?

Yeah. Hey, you know, some things are just worth waiting for.

Wow.

I have never met anyone like you.

Yeah, I get that all the time.

You know something, Cody?

You are the kind of guy my mother always wanted me to marry.

In fact,

you're the kind of guy I always wanted to marry.

So, what do you say?

About what?

Do you want to get married?

Whoa.

Hey, Bonnie, aren't we skipping a few steps?

You know, like going steady, getting engaged, getting cold feet,

Uh, dealing with the male's tendency to want to avoid commitment

versus the female's instinct to nest.

Whenever I go out with somebody, I ask myself two questions,

"Is this the right guy for me?"

And, "Is this the right guy for Riley?"

He adores you.

Oh, well, hey, I think the little guy's great, too.

You're real special.

You would be a great father for Riley.

Well, I guess the little guy does need a father, huh?

Cody, could we get a big box of popcorn at the movies?

Sure, dudesie.

Thanks, Cody. You're the greatest.

I wish you were my dad.

Well...

I think that would be great, too.

Yeah?

Well, hey, Riley, you know, you might get your wish.

Your mom and I are getting married.

Really?

Wow, that's great.

I think so, too.

Yeah.

Kids?

Kids, your dinner is ready.

Hey, has anyone seen my Nerf football?

I can't find it anywhere.

Yeah, well, we'll find it after dinner, okay?

Listen, everybody,

Al is going to the mall tonight and she's trying out a new look.

Now, she's feeling really good about herself,

so please don't make any cracks that will embarrass her, okay?

So, what's for dinner?

Dinner? Um, uh, Turkey and stuffing.

Uh, uh, I mean, dressing.

Turkey and dressing.

I think I know where your football is.

Hey, Al, what would you like to drink?

Orange juice or hel-lo!

Uh, Al,

could I talk to you in the other room for a minute, please?

Sure.

They're too big for me, aren't they?

Well, Al, they're too big for me.

Now, why do you want to stuff your bra?

Because the boys in my class only like girls with big boobs.

Yeah? Well, that's their problem.

That's easy for you to say.

I mean, look at you.

If I had your figure, I'd have millions of guys interested in me.

Yeah, well, that's not necessarily such a good thing.

What are you talking about?

Well, when I was a girl, I was the first one in my class who was developed.

And, you know, naturally, all the boys were very interested in me.

I mean, I got asked out all the time.

You know, if this is your idea of a pep talk, it stinks.

Well, wait a second, I'm not finished.

I mean, sure, all the boys were always asking me out,

but I never knew if they liked me or them.

At least they were interested.

Yeah, but how would you feel if you went out with a guy

and he never looked above your neck?

Or every time you walked into a room full of boys,

they started whispering and you knew that they were talking about your chest?

Not too good, I guess.

Look, Al, boys your age are not very mature,

but it won't always be that way.

And besides, you're funny and you're smart,

and you're a beautiful young woman.

And if those aren't enough reasons for some guy to like you,

then he's not worth your time.

You're probably right.

Yeah, I know I'm right,

so why don't you go upstairs and

unpack and

come join us for dinner, okay?

Okay.

Can I ask you a question first?

Sure.

How do you run with these things?

Very carefully.

Oh, hey, Uncle Frank, I'm glad you're here.

I got something pretty important I want to ask you.

What's on your mind, Cody?

Well, Bonnie and I are getting married

and I want you to be my best man.

Well, that's a little sudden, isn't it?

Oh, no, not really, Uncle Frank. I've known you all my life.

No, Cody, I mean, you and Bonnie.

You've only known her a couple of weeks.

Uh, yeah, I know, Uncle Frank,

But, you know, I kept thinking about you and Carol.

And, well, you guys only knew each other

a couple of days before you got married, right?

And now, the only way to get you apart is with a crowbar.

Well, I can't argue with that.

I guess if you and Bonnie are in love each other, that's the most important thing.

Really? Love?

That's the most important thing?

What's the second most important thing?

You are in love with Bonnie, aren't you?

Well, hey, she's a great looking girl,

you know, and lots of fun to be around,

we like a lot of the same stuff, and...

Okay. No, I'm not in love with her.

Well, then, why are you getting married?

Because Riley needs a Dad.

Oh.

Look, I think your wanting to give Riley a father is a very noble thing,

but it's not a good reason to get married.

Gee, I knew you were gonna say that, Uncle Frank.

What am I going to do now?

I already told her I'd marry her.

I can't tell you what to do.

But getting married for the wrong reasons, Cody,

that just isn't good for anybody.

Man.

Cody, Cody, I got it.

I know exactly how to break the news to Bonnie without anybody getting hurt.

Wow. That's great. What is it?

Okay, you tell her the guy who said he'd marry her

was actually your evil twin.

Lame.

No, man, it's gonna work.

I saw a story just like it on Hard Copy.

Sorry, dude.

I believe in standing up and being a man.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, good luck, Cody.

Thanks, cuz.

Hey, Cody, look at my dinosaur.

Hey, that's pretty cool, bro.

Why don't you go upstairs and show it to Brendan.

Yeah, buddy.

Something wrong?

Well, yeah. I think we need to have a talk.

Look, this is gonna be kinda hard for me to say,

but I don't think we should get married.

Why not? I thought you said you wanted to.

Well, yeah, I know I said that,

but the more I thought about it, the more I realized

that we weren't doing this for us,

that we were doing it for Riley.

Look, we can still go out, we can still be with each other,

you know, I just don't think it's right to get married after three weeks.

I don't understand. I thought we talked about this the other day.

Let me ask you something.

If it was just you and I, and there was no Riley,

do you think we would be getting married?

But it isn't just you and me.

Yeah, I know, but what if it was?

Do you think we'd be getting married?

Well, I guess not.

Then we shouldn't be getting married.

I guess I just wanted Riley to have a father so badly,

I got carried away.

Yeah. Me, too.

Okay, Cody, what are we doing today?

Riley, we need to talk to you.

About what?

Well,

Cody and I

aren't going to be getting married.

But I thought Cody was going to be my dad.

Let me ask you something, little guy.

What kind of things would you want a dad to do with you?

Take me places.

See, I can do that.

Teach me stuff.

I can do that, too.

Look, just because I'm not gonna be your dad,

doesn't mean we can't still be buds.

Anytime you need me, day or night, I'll be there for you.

Really?

Hey, when the Codeman says he'll be there, he'll be there, okay?

Okay. Yeah, come here.

How about next weekend, you guys wanna go camping and live off the land?

That would be great.

Yeah. Hey, you like eating squirrel?

Mmm. I don't think so.

Yeah, me neither.

Okay, we can pick up a bunch of Happy Meals on the way.

All right.

[HUMMING]

Hi, honey.

Oh, good, you're home.

Oh, honey, have I got great news.

You know how it's been so hard for you

to pick out living room furniture that I liked?

Well, problem solved.

I re decorated the living room myself.

Oh, God.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

No, you don't.

You're thinking it doesn't go with the room, but it will.

Now, the way I see it,

we get a bunch of throw pillows

in the shape of footballs, baseballs, and hockey pucks,

and we get beer taps for light switches,

and we paint the walls a bright orange

to pick up the color of the basketball hoops.

What you're saying is you want me to get

the old furniture out of the garage, don't you?

Honey, that's totally up to you.

Yeah, well, I'll go get the kids to help me.

Yes!

Home run.