Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

"Find x and y

by solving Y in terms of X,

then substituting to determine Y."

[SCOFFS] Yeah, right.

Hey, JT.

Hey, Cody. Do you know anything about simultaneous equations?

Ah, you mean, like, when you're working

with X and Y and you have to solve Y in terms of X,

and then substitute to determine Y?

Yeah. No.

Sorry, dude.

Man, I'm never gonna figure this stuff out.

Dexter.

Dexter, JT Lambert here.

Yeah, I'm just calling to say congratulations

on being voted President of the Math Club.

Hey, I think that's super.

Listen, I just finished the algebra homework

and wanted to check a couple of answers.

Yeah, what'd you get for number one?

Yep. Yep, that's what I got.

What'd you get for number two?

Yup.

Why don't you run through the rest of the answers real quick?

Yup.

Uh-huh.

Yup.

Yup, all right. Great!

Great, thanks a lot, Dexter.

All right, bye-bye.

Algebra, done!

Hello, Son. Hi, Dad.

Hello. Let me, uh...

throw that plate away for you.

No, really, I'll get it. It's okay.

No. No, I insist. It's really--

JT: No, I'll get it! Frank: I'll do it. I'll do it.

Oh, man!

JT, do your own homework.

Man, this stinks. I mean, in 20 years from now

I'm not gonna need algebra.

You will if you're still in high school.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

♪ The dream wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say "My lord, I think I found someone"

♪ 'Cause you're Putting it together

♪ To be putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

MAN: ♪ It will be better

♪ The second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by Step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Aw, honey, look at this.

Some farmer in Sheboygan grew a potato that looks

just like General Schwartzkopf.

Well, hot damn. Let's throw the young ones

in the truck and go have a look-see.

Mom, can I borrow the car?

Sorry, honey, I need it today.

For what?

Oh, nothing much. I just have to pick up

the cleaning, go to the post office,

take Al to soccer practice, Brendan to little league,

go to the bank, the hardware store,

the shoe repair and the drug store.

You know, just a joy ride kind of day.

Well, how am I supposed to get to the library?

What, are your legs broken? Walk.

Walk? It's almost a mile.

A mile?

Woah, Dana, you better water up the camels.

Dad, I'm going to the park to shoot some baskets.

Wait a minute, JT.

Did you do your homework?

Yeah, once. But you tore up my plate.

JT, go upstairs, finish your homework

and don't forget it's your day to mow the lawn.

Man, this stinks.

I can't wait until I'm an adult and I can just goof off all day.

Is that what you think we do, son? Goof off all day?

Well, look at the evidence.

I've got homework and chores, and you're sitting there

on your keister, reading the newspaper.

Yeah. For once, I agree with JT.

It's a lot easier being a parent than being a kid.

Parents have all the power.

Power is good.

You know, one day you'll have kids of your own

and you'll see it's not as easy you think.

Yeah, I say that we find out this weekend.

Yeah, you find the girl, I'll have the kids.

No, JT. What I mean is, let's try a little experiment.

This weekend, we'll trade places.

Carol and I will be the kids,

you and Dana be the parents.

Frank, are you nuts?

No. No, honey. I think this is going to be

very educational.

Dana will take on your responsibilities

and JT will take on mine.

And, what are we gonna be doing?

We're gonna be teenagers.

Ooh, I like this.

Yeah, me too. Sounds like it's gonna be fun.

I'll tell you what,

let's make it more fun.

I'll bet you both a whole month's allowance

that by the end of the weekend,

you'll come crawling back, begging to be teenagers again.

It's a bet.

[FRANK LAUGHING IN CONTEMPT]

So, we get to be the parents

and have the power?

That's right. All of the power?

CAROL: Mm-hmm.

Power is good.

Okay. So, I'm the dad.

Guess the first thing I'll do

is strip down to my boxers,

scratch my butt and do a little channel surfing.

[MARK SCREAMING]

Run for your life! Dana is in charge!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, open up and say "ah."

Ah, looking good, like a dipstick should.

That wasn't so bad now, was it?

Hey, the Slasher!

and the lovely Mrs. Slasher.

Hey, Codeman, thanks for getting the bike ready so fast.

You're the greatest.

Now, Deb and I can take it on our second honeymoon with us.

No problem, man.

Where are you guys going anyway?

Bismark, North Dakota.

Wow, Bismark.

The Club Med of the Black Hills.

That should be a lovely ride this time of the year.

Oh, we'll be picking bugs out of each other's teeth

for about a thousand miles.

Oh, Slash, you're so romantic.

Woah.

Love, American style.

Man, you guys are so lucky to have found each other.

Hey, you're telling me.

Seemed like the only guys I ever met

were losers and weirdos.

Until, Mr. Right here came along.

Yeah, how did you guys meet, anyway?

It was fate.

Kismet.

Destiny.

I put a personal ad in a biker magazine.

That's the Slash.

Looking for love in all the right places.

Yeah. Yeah.

I keep a copy of the ad in my wallet

for sentimental reasons.

All right. Let me check this out.

"The Slash,

young, good-looking biker, with tasteful tattoos,

and Harvard business degree,

seeks beautiful biker woman for the long ride."

Woah--

How could I resist?

Oh, honey, save some for Bismark?

You know, I've never been a big fan of personal ads

but, I mean, it worked for you guys.

Maybe, it can work for me.

I mean, out there somewhere

in some all-night auto-parts store,

could be the girl of my dreams, you know?

With a can of Valvoline in one hand,

and a set of wrenches in the other.

That's such a beautiful picture.

CODY: Yeah.

[INDISTINCT TV NOISE]

Excuse me, son.

Oh, yeah, Dad?

Is this yours? Oh, yeah.

I guess, I left it upstairs.

Well, what did you think it was gonna do?

Walk downstairs, jump in the sink

and wash itself?

Guy, Dad. Have a cow, why don't you?

Well, I'm not gonna wash it.

You're gonna wash it yourself, mister.

Duh.

Man, I'm beat.

I'm sick of doing laundry.

I mean, we're the parents right?

Why can't we just burn this stuff

and buy them new clothes?

Look, don't tell me your problems.

I've been in this kitchen all day,

cooking for those brats.

"I'm hungry." "I want a sandwich."

"Make me a hamburger."

What do they think this is, a restaurant?

I'm hungry. What's for dinner?

Spaghetti.

With mushrooms?

Ew, barf. I'm not eating that.

Yes, you are.

That's what's for dinner.

Tough. I'm eating cookies.

Hey, don't eat that.

Hey, spit it out! Now, come on.

Brendan, spit it out. Out!

Now, spit it out.

Brendan, you better spit out that cookie!

Now! Spit it out!

Spit it out!

Spit it out, now! Out!

DANA: Spit it out. Problem?

Mom?

No, uh...

Brendan, just ate a little bit too fast.

She's trying to kill me!

Kids.

They say the darnedest things.

Now, run along and wash up, you little scamp.

Oh, I won't be home for dinner.

Frankie's taking me to the movies.

He's so cute.

Be back by 11:00. That's your curfew.

Curfew? Huh.

Man, that is so lame. I might as well be in prison.

Hey. Look, when you live in your own house,

you can make your own rules.

But, until then, you live by mine!

Ooh! That felt good.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Man, I shouldn't have to do this.

This is women's work.

Shut up and fold, cave boy.

Hey, we're home!

Ooh, folding laundry on a Saturday night.

You parent really know how to have fun.

Yeah, right.

Sounds like, somebody might be ready

to admit it's not so easy being a parent.

And give up a month's allowance?

Ha, no way.

That's fine with me.

I can go on being a kid, like...

forever.

Well, I guess I better go to bed.

After all, I'm a teenager and I have to be up by...

Monday.

Can you believe that?

She just went upstairs empty handed.

What do I look like, a maid?

Don't walk away from me, young lady.

Well, I guess I'll turn in too.

I got a big day of watching football tomorrow.

And mowing the lawn.

I'll mow the lawn. And washing the cars.

I'll wash the cars.

And doing your algebra homework.

Yeah-- Excuse me?

Well, you're me, remember?

You've got a take home test on algebra.

You better do well. 'Cause I hear you're flunking.

JT, I don't do algebra.

Oh, sounds like somebody might be ready to admit

it's not so easy being a teenager.

Ready to quit?

When pigs fly.

Well, that might happen sooner than you can do algebra.

Nighty night, son

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Dana.

That is a really, good look for you.

Eat worms.

No thanks, I already had your spaghetti last night.

Hey, I forbid you

to go anywhere until you finish your homework.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Dana. What can I have for breakfast?

Doughnuts, ice cream or chocolate cake?

Eat whatever you want. What do I care?

Gee, thanks!

You're a great mom.

Well, I'm off to the mall.

Uh, um... [CLEARS THROAT]

Wait a second.

Car keys?

Excuse me?

I need the car to go grocery shopping.

Well, how am I supposed to get to the mall?

What's the matter? Are your legs broken?

Walk.

[CAROL SIGHS]

[GRUMBLING] I don't like any of this game at all.

Not so fast.

Checkbook? What?

You're a teenager.

You don't have a checkbook.

Or credit cards. Gimme.

Okay.

You're the mom.

Oh, and uh... take off some of that make up.

I don't want people to think I'm raising a tramp.

You know, Dana, I hope you're enjoying this,

because, tomorrow, when I'm the mom again,

you're gonna pay for that one.

[LOW TEMPO MUSIC]

Hi, Cody. Hey, the Kare Bear.

Doing a little nail maintenance?

Just, had to get away from Dana.

Smart move. I heard it's a "tude" city in there.

What're you doing?

Oh, I'm writing a personal ad to the Biker's Quarterly.

I'm on a quest to find the babe of my dreams.

Cody, do you think you can find love

in a motorcycle magazine?

Well, that's where I found my bike, and I love that.

Can I hear what you wrote?

Wow, I'll be honored.

I mean, after all, you are the family expert on love.

The Duchess of dating,

the Countess of courting, our Fair Lady of the lip lock.

Oh, Cody, you don't have to say that.

Well, it's true.

I know, I'm just practicing being modest.

Okay. Well...

tell me if you think this will net me a love trout.

"Young, level-headed, hog dude,"

that's me.

"Seeks tall, non-smoking, bodacious babe, to share

long walks and monster truck rallies.

Neil Diamond fans need not apply."

What do you think?

Well, sounds okay.

But I think, you should say more good things about yourself.

Well, you know, I was gonna mention that I live in my van,

but I don't want any gold diggers.

Yeah. Is this the Get-Away Travel Agency?

Yeah, I have a little scheduling problem here.

"If train A leaves Boston

at 7:00 a.m. and train B leaves Portland at 9:00 a.m.

and they're both going 60 miles an hour,

where and when will they meet?"

No. No, no, this isn't homework. I really am going from Boston

to Portland.

Jerk.

Yeah.

Son.

You know, when you cheat,

you're only cheating yourself.

Come on, JT. Give me a break. I've been out of school

for 20 years. I can't do this stuff.

Well, then we'll just have to get you a tutor.

And where are you going to find a tutor, on a Sunday?

Mark!

Oh, no. You can't lock me in a room with Mr. Wizard

and an algebra book.

Well, sure I can. I'm the dad, remember?

Hello.

You rang, father?

Yes, yes. Your older but slower brother

is having trouble with his algebra.

Could you please help him with chapter seven, please?

My pleasure.

Ooh, train problems.

You're having trouble with these?

They are child's play.

Well, if it's so simple, you figure it out.

Boston.

Portland... 60 miles an hour.

The answer is 2:43 p.m. Central Standard Time,

the following day, in Dubuque, Iowa.

Now, Mark... Mark, make sure

young Franklin does his work

on his own.

It's the only way he's gonna learn.

Gee, Frank. The two of us doing algebra together,

sounds like an equation for fun.

[MARK LAUGHING]

Bunch of slobs.

[MUFFLED MOANING]

[MOANING]

What's your problem?

My stomach hurts.

Maybe, it's something you ate.

I don't think so.

All I had was a bag of doughnuts,

some ice cream and a chocolate cake.

You ate all that junk?

You told me I could.

Well, I was being sarcastic.

I didn't think you'd actually do it.

A real mom would have stopped me.

Come on, you have to.

Get away from me.

I am tired of doing things for you brats.

But I need a ride to soccer practice.

Who cares?

JT,

You need to go to the drugstore, Brendan has a stomach ache.

Too bad, I've been running errands all day.

I have an emergency.

I need a ride downtown, immediately.

I need a ride to soccer practice.

Listen, you're not getting-- Yes, I am!

I need lip gloss! I'm not getting you any--

You are supposed to be dad. I don't care.

He always takes me. I'm not doing it!

Shut up, you whiny little brats!

I think I'm gonna hurl.

I'm outta here.

I don't need lip gloss.

JT, do something.

Can't you hold until Monday?

All right, now, Mark, just give me those answers.

Frank, you're not forming good study habits.

Look!

[FRANK YELLING] Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.

I hate your son.

I hate my daughter.

What happened to you? Dana made me walk

to the mall. Do you know how far that is?

No, and I don't know what time Train A gets there, either.

Frank, I have had it with being a teenager.

Yeah, so have I.

Mom.

Dad.

We need to talk to you about this trading places thing.

Look, you guys were right.

We can't handle being parents.

Yeah. Yeah, we give up.

That's too bad,

Carol and I were really enjoying being kids.

We were hoping it could last out

till the end of the month.

Grow up, Frank.

The truth is, we forgot how hard it is to be a teenager.

You don't have a car, you don't have much money.

It is no fun having people tell you what to do all the time.

I think, Carol learned a real good lesson this weekend.

Well, we--

We all learned a lesson.

I forgot how hard algebra was.

I wouldn't be a teenager again for anything.

I'll tell you what, let's just call this bet even

and we'll get back to normal, okay?

So, does this mean that you guys are

the parents again and we're the teenagers?

Yes.

Good, 'cause Brendan just threw up all over his bed.

What? And you left it there?

What do you expect? We are kids.

Oh, come on, Frank. Let's clean it up.

FRANK: Now? CAROL: Yes, now.

FRANK: Can't we just throw sawdust on it

and sweep it up later?

How long do you think it'll be, before she remembers

that I still have her credit cards?

[CAROL YELLING] Dana, I want my credit cards back!

Boy, they got this parenting thing down.

Hey, Cody. There's a letter here and I think it's for you.

It's addressed to "Level-headed, hog dude, in Port Washington."

Sounds like me.

Must be a response to my ad.

Yeah.

"Dear Cody,

I'm a non-smoking, bodacious babe.All right.

I love long walks and monster truck rallies."

No, way.

Sounds like the Codeman has a reservation on the "Love Boat."

"As you can see by the enclosed gift

"I really know my way around a metal shop.

"I look forward to meeting you

in seven to ten years."

What's the gift?

Dude!

All right.