Original subtitles

Oh, Frank, I'm trying to balance your books

but I can't find your petty cash receipts anywhere.

Oh, honey, yeah.

They're right here.

Is this supposed to be a receipt?

Oh, yeah. You know, I got this banana

at the fruit stand the other day and they didn't have receipts.

So, I wrote it here on the peel.

"Banana, thirty-nine cents."

Well, at least it wasn't a burrito.

Hey, uncle Frank.

Hi. Hey, Carol.

You remember my buddy, Slasher. Don't you?

Oh, yeah. Well, usually I have trouble putting

a name with a face but yours just go together.

Well, sort of like, uh... peaches and cream, huh?

Hi, Slasher. Well, how you doing?

And this is his beguiling wife, Debbie.

Hi.

You're married to Slasher?

Five years.

And we're still on our honeymoon.

And this little dude is the fruit of their loom.

He's a biker baby. Guess what,

his name is Harley.

Gotta love that.

Aw, he is so cute.

Is that a tattoo?

Yep, did it myself.

That's my gig.

You tattoo babies?

Oh, no. It's just a rub-on.

Slasher owns a company that makes temporary tattoos.

You mean, people actually pay money to rub those little

tattoos on their bodies?

Yeah, go figure.

We did three million world-wide last year.

You know, uh...

Slasher and Debbie wanted to leave town this weekend,

and leave the little dude with his uncle Codeman.

Yeah, of course, it's okay.

Now, that three million, is that gross or net?

Units.

They sell for five bucks a piece.

That's 15 million dollars.

Yeah, not too bad for a dude

who is two toes shy of a full set.

Go ahead, show them, Slasher.

Break them out.

Well, maybe next time.

'Cause we gotta catch a plane.

Yeah, we better hurry, sweetie.

You know how that plate in your head

always sets off the metal detectors.

Thank you, pumpkin.

Come on, let's go wave bye-bye to mommy and daddy.

Bye.

Carol, I don't get it.

I mean, I'm busting my hump here to try and make ends meet,

and that guy has got eight toes a plate in his head

and he's worth 15 million dollars.

Where did I go wrong?

Maybe, it starts with your book keeping system.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ The dream wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say "My lord, I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're Putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

MAN: ♪ It will be better

♪ The second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by Step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Man, you're not gonna believe what happened in school today.

You dissected a frog

and found out it had a bigger brain than you?

That was good.

No, Barky.

Our English teacher expects us to read a book,

then write a five page report on it over the weekend.

You mean, she just sprung this on you at the last second?

Well, she claims she gave it to us a month ago.

But it's not fair to assign work when people are sleeping

in class.

And she definitely knew we were sleeping.

She was the one who woke us up.

We have to pick one from this list.

"Catcher in the Rye, The Animal Farm,

"The Old Man and the Sea..."

I mean, there's like, 20 books on this list

and not one of them is available at the video store.

Gee, those are great books.

I've written reports on almost all of them.

Oh, really?

Little man.

How about you let me take a look at one of those papers?

What do you mean by, "take a look"?

Turn it in with my name on it.

Sorry, JT. You're gonna have to write your own report.

But, I'd be happy to critique it.

Shut up, Poindexter.

Come on, Doug. Let's go torture ourselves and read.

Wow, a whole book.

This is the most reading JT has done since

that kiddie menu at the Pancake House.

Oh, he didn't read that.

He just colored in the clown.

Book reports.

Man, this bites.

Yeah.

Can you believe we have to waste a weekend writing a bogus report

when there's perfectly good ones right there

in your stepbrother's computer.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Holly Herman in a leotard on a cold day?

I'm not thinking about Holly Herman.

At least I wasn't.

We don't need o get Mark's permission,

We can steal them right out of his computer.

Watch the door.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

[COMPUTER VOICE] Hello, Mark. Thanks for turning me on.

What is that?

It's Mark's special friend.

It's as close as he's ever gonna get to a woman.

Ah, here they are.

Wow. He's got reports from at least ten books

on our list. All right.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Cathy Blair in a short skirt on windy day?

No, that's not what I'm thinking.

Wait a minute, what was I thinking?

Oh, yeah! Uh...

We can steal a bunch papers from your brother's computer,

and sell them to the rest of the guys in our class.

Man, you're a genius! So, are you.

I know.

Now, how do you print?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes, you are so cute.

Yes, you are. [BABY COOING]

Where's Harley?

There he is.

[CAROL BABY-TALKING]

Uh, Carol. Yeah?

When your kids were babies did you talk to them like that?

Oh, all the time.

No wonder they are all screwed up.

[BABY-TALK VOICE] Don't you listen to her.

She comes from a dysfunctional family.

Hey, aunt Carol. Uh-huh.

I'm having a little trouble with these feeding instructions

Debbie left me.

Can you read her handwriting? Sure.

"Heat milk to room temperature and be sure to boil nipples."

Dude.

Not your nipples, The rubber nipples.

Wow, I'm glad I asked.

Okay, little brother,

you wanna go upstairs and take a bath?

Do you want me to help you with that, Cody?

I mean, it's kind of tricky giving a baby a bath.

Well, how tricky can a bath be?

I'll just strap him to the back of my motorcycle and run him

through the car wash.

You're kidding, right?

Of course, I'm kidding.

Like I'm really gonna run my motorcycle through a car wash.

Learned my lesson the first time.

All right, little buddy. You hang out here with Carol

and I'll go get your bath water ready, okay?

Okay. Oh, Cody.

Make sure the water is warm.

But not too warm

because a baby's skin is very sensitive.

And, when you shampoo his hair make sure that you don't--

Carol, chill.

God, you know, it's not like I don't have any experience

with this sort of thing.

I used to be a baby myself.

Oh, honey, look.

I've been down at the office running some numbers

and check this out.

The way I got it figured, this Slasher guy makes

about 9,000 dollars an hour

Do you know what this means?

Forget about the money.

Come, look at this little guy.

[BABY-TALK] Is he the happiest little baby you have ever seen?

Yeah, well, I'll be happy too

if my old man was worth fifteen million bucks.

Well, you know, Frank, having a baby around,

it just makes me kind of--

No, don't say it.

Well, I was just think-- No, don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't even think.

Well, it's not that crazy.

I mean, maybe, you and I could have a baby?

Oh! Well.

There you go, you said it.

Now, it might happen.

Oh, come on.

Haven't you ever dreamed of having another child, mm?

Carol, we have six kids.

I don't want more. I want less.

I'd trade any two of them in on a good set of golf clubs.

Well, I dare you to hold little Harley.

And you tell me FRANK: No, no. No, no...

CAROL: If you wouldn't wanna have another baby.

Okay, come on. No, honey. I don't want it.

Take him. [FRANK WHINING]

Oh, don't whine. Here take him.

Okay, here we are.

Well?

Hmm?

Well, honey, I can

honestly say that I do not

want another baby.

[BABY COOING]

Why not?

Because, this one treats me the same way your kids treat me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dana, can I wear your pearl earrings tonight?

I have a date. Sure.

Who're you going out with?

Brad Farmer, the captain of the football team.

I thought he canceled 'cause he had a book report due.

Didn't you hear the good news?

JT stole some papers from Mark and he's going to sell them

to the guys on the football team tomorrow.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

He stole them and he's selling them to people?

Yeah.

Hey, you like my new lip gloss?

It's called Cherry Cha-Cha.

Karen.

Doesn't it bother you what JT did?

Dana, whenever something happens I ask myself one question,

"how does this affect me, Karen Foster?"

In this case, it's a good thing.

I get to go out on my date with Brad, a very cute guy.

Exceptional hair.

Karen, did it ever occur to you that there are other people

in this world?

Yes.

But, what does that have to do with me?

[LOW TEMPO MUSIC]

[COMPUTER VOICE] Hello, Mark. Thanks for turning me on.

My pleasure, Charlene.

[MARK TYPING]

[COMPUTER VOICE] You know all the right buttons to push.

Well, what can I say,

it's a gift.

Oh, man, get a life!

Mark.

I've gotta talk to you.

JT stole some of your book reports

and he's planning on selling them to the

football team tomorrow.

He broke into my computer?

If he hasn't sold them yet maybe they're still here.

Try the third drawer on the left.

That's where he hides his Victoria's Secret catalog.

Mm-hmm, what do we have here?

Book reports.

"The Old Man and the Sea,

"by Brad Farmer."

" Animal Farmby Ed 'too tall' Covington."

I'm gonna tell mom.

Mark, I'm surprised at you.

Why would you wanna get JT in trouble with mom,

who would only punish him,

when you could get him in trouble

with the football team, who would kill him?

Dana, you are evil, twisted and sick.

I can learn a lot from you.

Watch this.

" Animal Farm

"by Ed 'too tall' Covington.

"Old McDonald had an animal farm,

"E-I-E-I-O."

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BABY COOING]

You like the bike, huh?

Yeah, buddy.

Hey, Cody. Do you mind if I read Harley a bed time story

before he goes to sleep?

No, not at all, Carol. Thanks.

I've been saving this book until I have grandchildren.

Okay, Harley.

Tonight we are going to read the story of

Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Carol,

the three bears?

I hardly think that story is appropriate for a small child.

Teach him that it's okay to break in someone's place,

bust up all their stuff and scarf down their porridge?

[CODY SCOFFS] Well...

How about Three Little Pigs?

The Three Little Pigs?

And instill in him a fear that some buff dude is gonna

come along and huff and puff and blow his house down?

Bambi? Bambi?What are you, nuts?

Bambi's mother dies.

Why don't you just get him a Freddy Krueger doll

and lock him in a closet?

But, Cody, these stories have worked for 12 centuries.

What do you suggest?

Okay... I'm gonna tell him a story that I wrote.

It's called "The Little Dirtbike that could"

All right.

Okay, now.

Once upon a time,

there was an enchanted forest,

and a ginger bread house,

and a regulation motor cross track.

Yeah, okay.

Now. All right, now.

Every day...

they have races in this motor cross track

but most of the bikes were really humongous.

But, there was one little dirt bike named Harley.

Okay, now.

It was really hard for Harley to win because he had

a smaller wheel base than all those other dirt bikes

over there. Okay?

But, he kept saying to himself,

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."

And then, one day he just zipped ahead

of the other pack and he won the race,

and the right to qualify at the Winternationals

in Boca Raton, Florida.

Dude. And they all lived happily ever after.

Cody, I'm really impressed.

You are a natural father.

You think he's happy now?

You ought to see him when I dress him up like Elvis.

[BABY COOING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Last week, Frank Lambert,

ordinary construction worker.

This week, he's putting for the Masters...

and 15 million dollars.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

[FRANK GRUMBLING]

What can I do for you boys?

We're here to see JT.

Ah, gee. Well, he's not here. Can I take a message?

Sure, if you wouldn't mind...

let him know we'd like our money back.

Otherwise, we are gonna have to crush his skull.

Here's your paper. Oh, thanks.

[CONFUSED STUTTERING] Wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Guys, come in here a second. Come here.

What exactly do you mean

you're gonna crush my son's skull?

He sold us some bogus book reports.

He said they're written by his genius stepbrother.

Look at that.

"The Graces of Wrath.

"Ernest and Julio Wrath started their winery in 1837."

I may have taken a couple of shots to the head

but even I know that's not right.

Yeah. Well, listen.

Guys, I'm sorry my son ripped you off,

and I promise you, you'll get your money back.

But I will take care of disciplining JT.

Are you sure? I mean, we'd be glad to crush his skull.

It only takes a second.

You see, well, that's a very generous offer.

But... I don't wanna kill him I just wanna teach him a lesson.

Can we at least scare him a little?

I mean, I'd hate to think we came all the way over here

for nothing.

Scare him?

Now, that's a good idea.

Hey, sit down boys. Let's talk this over.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dad, I'm going to the park to shoot some hoops.

Wait a minute, JT.

Sit down for a second.

We never talk.

I thought that's the way you liked it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I wonder who that could be.

Would you get that for me?

Sure, dad.

Hey, guys. What's up? You. We're gonna kill you.

Huh?

Dad, help!

Now, wait. Wait, wait a minute, guys.

Wait a minute. Now, put my son down.

Now, what is going on here?

Yeah, read this.

Hey, I didn't give you that. I sold you good book reports.

Uh... um... I mean...

You sold them book reports?

Yeah, he said he stole it from a smart guy. But these stink.

And if I turn that junk in I'm gonna flunk English.

Again.

That's why we're gonna hang him from a tree,

and beat him like a pinata.

Just, wait a minute, nobody is doing anything

until we talk this through.

Let me see.

You gave JT your money for some good book reports?

And he gave you bad ones.

So, JT has got your money

and you're gonna flunk.

Sounds like pinata time to me.

[JT YELLING]

Dad, help me. Help me, please. I'm your son!

And you'll always be my son.

I'll come to the hospital.

Dad! Dad, please. Please! I'm begging you. Help me!

Okay, all right. Wait. Wait. Wait a second, guys.

This is crazy.

No sense wasting these. His brother can grow into them.

Dad! Dad, please, I'll do anything! I'll be good!

I'll be real good. Just don't let them hurt me.

Guys, put him down.

That was really cool, Mr. Lambert.

Most fathers won't let us torture their kids that long.

Thanks a lot.

See you, JT.

[FRANK SIGHS]

This was your idea?

Well, me and "too tall."

Come on, JT.

Let's talk about your punishment.

I know. I know. I'm grounded for a month.

I was only gonna say for a week.

Have it your way.

Man, how could this happen?

Hi, we're home. Hey.

You. You switched the papers.

Me? I had nothing to do with changing those book reports.

Coming, Karen. Freeze, blondie!

What's going on?

Well, JT stole some of Mark's book reports and sold them

to the football team. But first,

someone very clever, rewrote them. Very badly.

Mark is clever.

Clever, with a mean streak.

That would be me.

Well, Dana, I have an idea.

A really good idea.

You are going to help JT write that book report.

Now, I know where I get that mean streak.

All right, let's get it over with, fish face.

Don't rush me, dog breath.

JT: Move your bony little butt.

DANA: Eat worms.

JT: Make me.

Grow thumbs, ape boy.

I think I know which two to trade for the golf clubs.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, Harley, looks like we timed it out pretty good.

Your folks will be here any second

and you're on your last diaper.

Oh, hey, there we go. The parental units are here.

[CODY EXHALES LOUDLY]

Hey. Hi, Cody.

[DEBBIE GASPING] Oh, there's my sweet little angel.

Hi, junior. Did you miss me?

We were pretty busy while you were away.

You know what? He learned his first word today.

His first word?

He's only nine months old.

Hey, Slash, our baby is a genius.

Well, I guess the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

Okay, Harley.

Come on, tell us your word.

Is it "mama"?

"Dada"?

Dude.

Yeah, he said "dude."

Gotta love that.