Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Dad.

I can't believe you're going through with this.

J.T., Carol and I have had no time alone together

since we got married.

We reallyneed this weekend away.

I don't care if you go away

but do you have to put Dana in charge?

Do you have a better idea?

Yeah, put me in charge.

J.T., I said, "Do you have a betteridea?"

Okay, Dana, now here's the list of phone numbers

you might need in case of emergency.

Our hotel in Milwaukee, the Bellman's next door

Dr. Kipper, Dr. Sharp..

Don't forget Dr. Beasley.

Dr. Beasley? The veterinarian?

Yes. What if J.T. gets sick?

Or if we have to put Dana to sleep.

Do.. Hey..

Come on, honey. We gotta go. We're late.

Now I just want you two to have a wonderful time

and don't worry about us for a minute.

Although, I'll miss you terribly.

You are such a suck up.

Hey, you go with your strength.

- Come on. - Now, now, now, kids.

You know, this is the first time that we've left you alone

and I'm trusting you to behave yourselves.

That means listen to Dana, okay?

- Okay.. - Alright, bye.

- Ooh! - Oh, geez.

Oh, God. Ooh.

- 'Oh, I'm gonna miss you.' - Well..

- 'Bye.' - Here we go.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. - Bye-bye.

- Come on. Here, honey, honey. - Bye.

- Bye, bye. - Bye.

- Okay, here we are. - Bye, bye.

Oh, and, um, uh, one more thing.

No parties while we're gone.

Don't worry, Carol. You can trust us.

- I know. Okay, bye. - Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. It's party time!

Yeah!

[cheering]

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-oh woah-oh ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ We got the kids in a clan ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Only time will tell us ♪

♪ If all these dreams fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[Dana] Karen, J.T., dinner.

I'm starved. What're we having?

Franks and beans.

Did we forget something?

If you don't like my cooking, make your own dinner.

Just don't make a mess. A couple of my friends are coming over.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You're having friends over?

They're from my study group.

Great. I'll invite my study group.

You have a D average. You need a study group for that?

Hey, we spark each other.

Forget it, J.T., no parties.

Well, you're having one.

It's not a party. We're gonna study.

Uh, Dana, I think the distinction you're drawing

is a very nebulous one.

Any activity from where someone drives pleasure

could be construed as a party.

And anyone who talks like you could be construed as a twerp.

Look, I wanna be fair.

Since I've invited two friends over

each one of you can invite two friends over.

- Alright! - Yeah!

But, J.T., try to be selective.

Pick two that don't walk on their knuckles.

[instrumental music]

[car honking]

Well, here it is.

The honeymoon suite.

Uh, excuse me, t-these are twin beds.

Well, not exactly twins

one's got a leg that wobbles.

No, no, no, you see, your..

Your brochure says, "A Lover's Retreat."

They usually do when they see this room.

And this is your deluxe bathroom.

[scoffs] This one must've been on steroids.

Frank, this doesn't seem very romantic.

Oh, no, now, wait a minute, honey.

You and I can make any place romantic.

Ah, excuse me.

[train chugging]

[rumbling]

What the hell was that?

A train. Where you folks from?

Frank.

I am not staying in this room another minute.

No-now, wait a minute, honey, I..

I know how to talk to him.

Look, uh..

[chuckles]

What do we gotta do to get a better room?

Go to a better hotel.

Wait, wait. You mean there's nothing else?

I'm sorry there's a convention, but listen

if you folks need anything else

just call the desk and ask for Rocky.

Yeah, o-okay, thanks, Rocky.

Oh, I'm not Rocky, I'm Phil.

Rocky takes care of the problem guests.

You know, Frank, I hope this doesn't

spoil your weekend, but I'm going home.

No, no, wait.

Now don't let the room get you down.

It's a, it's a minor setback, uh..

We could still, uh

make this a weekend to remember.

Yeah.

How?

First thing we gotta do is rearrange the furniture

so it doesn't look like my parents bedroom.

And then what?

And then, uh, next time the room shakes

it won't be the choo-choo train.

Okay, well..

While you're doing that, I'll just, uh..

...slip into something a little more comfortable.

[growls] That's what I've been waiting to hear.

Okay.

Ooh!

Oh!

[groaning] Oh! Wow!

- Frank! - Yeah.

- What's the matter? - Well..

It's just a karate technique of mine, honey, I..

I use it to focus my energies. Hah!

Ow!

Save some of those yells for later.

Don't go away, I'll be right back.

[giggles]

I'm not going anywhere.

I can't move. Oh!

[instrumental music]

Hello, Sheldon, this is your best friend, Mark.

Foster.

Listen, we're having a little party tonight at my house

and I was wondering..

Foster.

Never mind.

Hey, little step-cuz. What are you doin'?

Well, Dana said we could each have two friends over tonight

and I seem to be comin' up one friend short.

Oh, no problem. I'll be your friend.

Oh, I already counted you.

I'm looking for number two.

Yeah, cool. Well, let me know when you find him.

- Oh, I will. - Yeah.

Hello, Gary. This is Mark.

Foster!

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Oh, that's probably the friends I invited.

Hey, I can invite friends, not you.

Okay, okay, I'll just have to tell them to go.

Hey, Jonah.

Hey, Ally. Hi, Cheryl.

Uh, listen, I'm sorry, I made a mistake.

Yeah, you should've been here an hour ago.

[laughing]

Come on in.

- I'm J.T. - Hi.

J.T., who are these people?

I said two friends.

These are my two friends.

I'll let you know how it goes with these two.

[laughing]

J.T., they're gonna have to leave.

[chuckling] Yeah, right.

[laughing]

Karen, I said we could each invite twofriends.

I know. These are the four finalists.

[chuckles]

Come on, guys.

This is getting totally out of hand.

[laughing]

I said just two friends.

Didn't anybody hear me?

I heard you.

I just didn't care.

[laughing]

Wait a minute.

[doorbell rings]

He-hey, we heard there's a party here?

- Well, you heard wrong. - Hey, Karen.

Hey, hey, come on, everybody, this is it.

Let's party.

[screaming]

[upbeat music]

Wait a minute! There's no party. It's..

I'm not kidding around now!

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Oh, oh, oh. Ow!

[exhales]

[Carol] 'Frank. What was that?'

That was just me, honey.

D-doing my James Brown impression.

[imitating James Brown] Ow! I feel good.

[groans]

- 'Frank..' - Ah?

I got the wrong suitcase, my new negligee's

in the other suitcase.

That suitcase? The big one?

Would you get it for me?

[chuckling]

We'll see.

[breathing heavily]

Yes. Yes.

[groaning]

[breathing heavily]

Yes!

[groaning]

[breathing heavily]

[groaning]

Ha-ha!

[panting]

Alright.

Ow!

Ooh!

[panting]

[grunts]

Oh. Ha-ha! Hah!

[Carol] 'Oh, never mind, honey.'

'It was in here all the time.'

[sighs]

[grunts]

Oh.

[panting]

[grunting]

Whoa!

[Carol] 'Ready or not, here I come.'

Ah.

Oh!

You look good.

[laughs]

And I'm all yours.

Come here, you savage.

[giggles]

Okay.

Oh-ho-ho.

[chuckles]

- What're you doing? - Taking my time.

I want this moment to last.

Oh, Frank, you're such a romantic.

You're gonna love this.

[breathing heavily]

[instrumental music]

Ooh!

Oh, I remember in Jamaica on our wedding night

we danced under the stars

and you did that really fancy dance move.

Uh, I did?

Maybe this will jog your memory.

Oh, no, it's not ne..

Whoa!

Whoa!

[music continues]

Somehow it was different in Jamaica.

[indistinct chatter]

I told you I was sorry.

Out, out, out.

No, no, no!

No, I'm serious, man, my cousin

played Santa Claus last year

and he came down the chimney.

You bozo.

A human being cannot fit down a chimney.

- Do you wanna bet? - Yeah, you're on.

J.T., come here.

Come here, I want you to settle something.

Hey, guys, I'm your man.

What're we talkin' about?

Rock and roll? Sports? Chicks?

- Santa Claus. - What?

- Hey! Where are we going? - To the roof!

You mind if I ask why?

Dana, do you think this party's getting out of hand?

"Getting out of hand?"

Maybe you should get everybody to leave.

What do you think I've been doing?

I've pleaded. I've begged.

But did they listen? No!

Because they're animals.

No, they're lower than animals. They're vermin.

They're bacteria. Viruses, that's what they are, virus..

Why did you slap me?

I thought you were hysterical.

Why? I'm not. You just slapped me.

[screaming]

- Girl fight! - Girl fight!

[screaming]

[laughing]

Okay. That's it.

Everybody, out!

Get out!

It's hopeless!

Oh, yeah. Watch this.

We're out of food!

We're out of food? Let's go!

[indistinct chatter]

That was brilliant, Al.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I figured I owed you

since my pig's asleep in your underwear drawer.

Who cares? As long as everybody's gone.

Okay. Now, all we've got to do is clean up.

Mark, Brendan, you guys start in here.

Al, Karen, you guys to the kitchen.

J.T., let's start moving this furniture back.

J.T.!

Where is J.T.?

J.T.!

[J.T. screaming]

[J.T. groans]

J.T. you're in the fireplace!

[J.T.] 'Tell me something I don't know.'

- Well, are you okay? - 'I'm great.'

'I'm thinkin' about moving my bed in here.'

'Can you get me out?'

'Hello!'

[instrumental music]

Let's try this. Put one hand on my forehead, okay.

- Okay. - There you go.

- And the other one on my chin. - Okay.

Alright, now.

I want you to snap my head back

just as hard as you can.

But what if I hurt you?

Uh, Carol, I've had this happen to me before.

Now, just do it. It couldn't be any worse.

- Okay. - Okay.

One, two..

Ooh, I was wrong.

Oh, that's a whole bunch worse.

Oh.

Oh, Carol, all I wanted was a romantic weekend with you.

Yeah, well, you're not gonna have that.

But there are three little words you could say

that would make everything alright.

Oh.

- I love you. - No.

The words are, "Let's go home."

Oh, okay.

Think you might have to strap me

to the hood of the car though.

Yeah, well, you just sit here and..

- You can watch me change. - Oh.

Oh, well, would you tip me forward a little then?

That's good. No, no, no! No!

[instrumental music]

J.T., how could you let those guys stuff you down the chimney?

They didn't ask my permission.

So, what are we gonna do?

[engine rumbling]

Tell me someone didn't just pull into the driveway.

Oh! Oh, my God. It's mom and Frank.

Quick! Straighten up! Put the picture back!

- J.T. don't move. - Good plan.

Hi, everybody. We're home.

What a pleasant surprise.

Would you look at that, the ceiling needs repainting.

Well, at least the house is still standing.

Oh, what did you think we'd do?

Have a wild party with a million people

and wreck the place?

[laughing]

Well, the thought did cross my mind.

Oh. Carol, my back is killing me.

I just want to go upstairs and take a hot bath.

Oh, great idea. I'll fill the tub.

- I'll help you upstairs, Frank. - Oh, well.

- Thank you, Dana. - Sure.

And it's chilly in here, why don't you kids build a fire?

- A fire! - Oh!

[Dana] 'Where?'

Well, call me crazy, but how about the fireplace?

Do we really need a fire?

[indistinct chatter]

Well, excuse me, if it's too hard for you

I'll build it myself.

[J.T.] 'No!'

Was that J.T.?

Where is J.T.?

J.T.?

[J.T.] 'Yeah.'

Hey, guys, what's happenin'?

[instrumental music]

- Daddy. - Uh.

Are you mad at me?

Well, of course not, slugger.

- Yippee. - Whoa!

Daddy, are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

I think you fixed my back.

Good. I thought I kicked you in the no-no spot.

No, pal. You see that's a whole different kind of scream.

Uh, you go on up to bed, okay?

- Night, daddy. - Go on.

I guess that's about it.

Hey, listen, I wanna thank you for helpin' me

get my kid out of that chimney.

I'll bet you crazy stuff like this happens all the time.

Nope.

Oh, honey, look. I'm good as new.

Oh, Frank! I'm so glad.

Uh, how did it go upstairs with the kids?

Well, they all apologized like crazy.

I told them they have to work off the damages

by doing extra chores around the house

and you know for the rest of the night

I've confined them to their rooms.

Uh, wait a minute.

You mean we're all alone down here?

Yeah. You sure your back's okay?

[chuckles]

Ow!

Did you hurt it again?

I feel good.

[humming]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]