Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Oh, good, everybody's here.

Alright, I'll tell you all

why I called this family meeting.

I have something to tell you

that's gonna make you all very happy.

- You mean-- - We're not getting a divorce.

This weekend, I'm throwin' you all in the back of the truck

and we're goin' for an old-fashioned

Lambert family camp-out!

- Alright, yeah! - Alright, yeah!

Isn't that great?

Camp-out?

You mean, like, where you sleep on the ground?

A-and there's nowhere for the Ty-D-Bol Man to swim?

Makes you wish you were there already, doesn't it?

- Uh, question. - Yeah.

Where will this nightmare be taking place?

Only the most beautiful spot you have ever seen.

You mean, Dead Man's Clearing?

- You got it, champ. - Alright.

Frank, Dead Man's Clearing?

Honey, it's just that wacky pioneer humor.

You know, when you have people dyin' by the wagonload

you have to do somethin' to lighten the mood.

Good sell, Frank.

Come on, you guys are gonna love it out there.

You wake up with the sun, you cook your food on a stick

and maybe even see a real bear up close.

Which is the part I'm gonna love?

Mother, will you please tell

Grizzly Adams and his kinfolk..

...that we respectfully decline?

Well, I've never been a big fan of camping

but I do think that it's important

that we do things together as a family.

[scoffs] We do things together.

We have vicious, ugly fights.

Well, now we can have 'em in the great outdoors.

Are we being too subtle here?

We don't want to go.

Mom, don't make us do this.

Please, we're yourrealchildren.

[Frank sighs]

Alright, come on, come on

now if-if the Lamberts love camping

then let's give it a try.

I mean, I'm sure there are things that we love

that they can learn to love too.

Sure, like eating with utensils.

No, no, no, I'm mean like, uh, well..

Next month, next month the Munich Opera's coming to town.

- You'll come with us. - Well, absolutely.

Oh, Carol, the opera, I mean, come on..

Yes, Frank, opera where people wear costumes

and sing beautiful music.

I know about opera.

One of my favorite singer is-is that-that big guy

that, uh, Luciano pepperoni guy.

[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a when the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it would be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪♪ Ooh ♪

♪ We got the kids in a clan ♪♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ If all these dreams fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over a different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall the stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over a different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

You know, grapes are just like M&Ms.

Huh, they're bite sized, they taste great.

They don't melt in your hand. Ha-ha.

I wonder if they'll ever make grapes with peanuts in 'em.

Cody, did your parents have the same last name

before they were married?

Well, you got me, I didn't know 'em before they were married.

Okay, Penny, here are the keys.

Now, whenever you go out, lock the door

and make sure you leave the light on

so it looks like somebody's home.

- And make sure-- - Carol, will you relax?

I've got your lists.

[sighs] I know there are a lot of weirdos out there.

Not to mention in here.

Hey, Carol, you are gonna love Dead Man's Clearing.

I remember, once I got bit by a snake.

Uncle Frank had to suck out the venom.

Then there was a time I got caught in a bear trap..

Almost took my head off.

[laughs] Tch.

Then when I was nine, these leeches--

Cody.

Please, you're spoiling all the surprises.

[instrumental music]

Well, we're all set.

Snake bite kit, insect repellent, splints..

Everything we need for a great weekend.

This is so embarrassing.

My first camping trip and my luggage is mismatched.

Karen, we're only going for a weekend.

You don't need two suitcases full of clothes.

Oh, my clothes are in the truck.

This is just my cosmetics.

Okay, we've got videogames, CDs

enough batteries to last us for the weekend.

Alright, Frank, take us to your swamp.

We are going camping.

We don't need video games, we don't need makeup

and we don't need music.

- I've got the ratatouille. - And we don't need ratatouille!

Well, fine, then you can have the smoked salmon

or the liver pate.

- Ugh. - And look at this ham.

Isn't it cute?

Give me that.

What is the matter with you people?

This is a camping trip

and when you camp with Frank Lambert

you live off the land.

We'll hunt, we'll fish and we'll eat what we catch.

Yeah. All we need is a bowie knife and our wits.

Wouldn't that leave you with just a bowie knife?

D'aah!

Camping is a lot more fun when you rough it.

Yeah, well, Frank, my idea of roughing is a slow room service.

[laughs]

That's great.

Honey, save those for the road, it's a six-hour drive.

Okay, everybody, pack up.

[instrumental music]

[Frank sighs]

Well, this is it.

For the next few days, this is gonna be home.

How'd you kids like riding in the back of the truck?

Just peachy.

By the way, did anyone happen to catch

my kidneys when they bounced out of my back?

I love riding in the back of the truck.

You can spit straight up and hit the person behind you.

Ah, this is the life.

No phones, no traffic.

The nearest civilization is the ranger station 20 miles away.

You know, the Lambert family has been comin'

to these woods for years.

Uh, Carol, come here, I wanna show you something.

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Look at this.

Grandpappy Lambert carved his name right in that tree.

Frank, all I see there is a big X.

Well, that's Grandpappy Lambert for ya.

He was handy with a knife, but dumb as dirt.

Hey, hey, guys, guys, look, I'm all set.

I found a perfect rock for a pedicure stand.

Well, that's the team spirit.

You know, make the best of things out here.

It was so easy.

It was lying right there behind the back tire

of Frank's truck.

Uh, Karen..

I-I-I, I put that rock behind the tire

because I parked on a hill and I didn't want the truck

to roll backwards down into..

[splashing]

...into the lake!

Oh-ho!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, here comes Frank now.

I'm sure he'll say that things are not

as bad as they seem.

Well, things are worse than I thought.

We're definitely stranded. That truck's in six feet of water.

Well, Frank, what are we gonna do?

Well, don't worry, Carol.

We'll wait till the ranger comes by

we'll winch it out, we'll dry it off.

So it'll smell like catfish for a few months.

[chuckles] Won't be the first time.

Hey, pal, come here.

Frank, I am not talking about your stupid truck

I'm talking about us being stranded.

Oh, yeah, well, that's bad too, yeah.

But all we have to do is stay put.

The ranger makes his rounds once a week.

The longest we'll be stranded here is...six days.

Wait a minute.

Six days?

Six days?

I'm makin' a break for it.

Dana, it's rough terrain out there.

- You can get lost. - Let her go, dad.

Well, maybe we'll all feel better

after we get something to eat.

Yeah, Carol, you're right.

Hey, Brendan, Al, J.T.

let's go hunt up some grub.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

"Hunt up some grub?"

[instrumental music]

[cricket chirping]

What's that?

It's cricket.

Sit down.

[owl hooting]

What's that?

- It's just an owl. - What's the matter with you?

Haven't you ever been in the woods at night?

I've never been anywhere at night.

Okay, everybody.

It's dinner time.

Oh, great, we're starving.

- Oh, boy, what are we having? - Well, I'm not sure, J.T.

But the gravy came up real good.

Mm-mm.

Tastes like woodchuck.

Looks like upchuck.

- There you go, honey. - No, no, no. No, thanks.

Frank, I'm a vegetarian.

- Since when? - Uh, since lunch.

What's that?

[sniffing] Smells like...peanuts and nougat.

'Smothered in creamy milk chocolate.'

[gasps] She's got a candy bar. Get her!

[screams]

[indistinct screaming]

Come on, kids, please stop this!

'Stop it. This is just terrible.'

[screaming continues]

Stop it!

Shame on you!

Now, give me that.

[sighs]

Carol, Carol! Give me that.

- No. No. - Give it back. Give it.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Now, set an example.

I lost my head.

Ah!

Woah.

Ice cream headache.

Why don't you just eat it slower?

Then I wouldn't get the headache.

Eeh!

Hi, Penny. Hi, Cody.

- What's the matter? - I'm concerned.

Frank and Carol should have been home early this morning.

Well, maybe they just decided to stay longer

'cause they're having such a good time.

[laughing] And maybe you're a natural redhead.

Hey...what if they're in trouble up there?

[gasps]

Where are you going?

Well, I gotta find 'em.

I mean, I just gotta pick up their trail and track 'em down.

[sniffing]

[instrumental music]

Yup, they were here alright.

[indistinct singing]

♪ The dream come true the dream come true ♪♪

Hello, in there.

I'm looking for a beautiful blonde

with a gorgeous smile.

She left!

She may be back after she's had a bath

if you're lucky.

You okay?

[growls]

Looks like somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed

this morning. Heh.

Well, it wasn't me, Frank

becauseIdon't have a bed.

I have a little patch of dirt with a bunch of sharp rocks

that stick up into my ribs.

Uh, look, Carol, why..

Why don't we get away from the kids for a while

and find a little spot in the woods

get in touch with nature, huh?

No offense, Frank, but you stink.

And I'm attracting flies.

[exhales]

Carol, let's just..

Honey, come on, now wh-why don't you and I..

Let's just go down to the lake

a-and we'll take a bath together.

The lake is 40 degrees.

It's filled with catfish and algae and a 1987 pick-up truck!

Eh, come on, what happened to that positive little lady

who was gonna give camping a try?

She gave it a try, Frank

and after three days of fighting off bat-sized mosquitoes

and playing Name That Meat..

...the only thing I am positive of is that I hate camping.

Oh!

Argh!

[grunts]

Hey!

I just want you to know that after three days up here

I am now out of astringent.

I hope you're satisfied.

[sighs]

See, Frank, it's not just me.

We all hate this.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just wanted everybody to have fun.

Oh, Frank.

It's not your fault.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel so base

so primal

so much like a savage.

Nice try, Carol, but I'm not in the mood anymore.

[instrumental music]

[gasps]

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going to the ranger station.

I don't care if it is 20 miles, I can't take this anymore.

You can't go walking into the woods by yourself.

There's bears out there.

Gee, I didn't think you cared about me.

I don't.

[sighs] My dad told me to look out for you.

I mean, if you get mauled by a bear

I can lose my TV privileges.

Your concern touches me, but I'm going on.

Wait, wait.

I heard something.

Oh, come on, J.T., don't try and scare me.

It won't work.

[bear growling]

How did you do that?

I didn't do that.

Oh, God.

What do we do?

I'm not sure.

[growling]

Ah. Ah.

We either stay completely still..

...or run as fast as we can.

[growling]

- Ah.. - I'll tell you what.

You stay completely still

I'll run as fast as I can.

Hey, there you guys are.

Hey, didn't I tell you to not wander off like that.

You know it's dangerous out here in the woods.

The woods are full of.. Well, they're full of those..

- Woah! - Oh.

What do we do?

Look, there's no sense making this a three-course meal.

You guys back up slowly and find your way back to camp.

I'll take care of Yogi.

- Good plan, Frank. - But, dad, I wanna--

No, no, it's okay. I'll be fine.

You guys go. Go.

Go. Go. Mm.

Okay, bear. Shoo!

[growling]

Okay.

Don't shoo, don't..

...shoo..

[growling]

Oh, what a nice big bear.

Uh, bear want a treat?

[whining]

Ooh, I have something you're gonna love.

You're gonna love this treat.

It's got peanuts and chocolate, nougat and..

Oh, what a nice big bear.

Oh, you're gonna love it. It's gonna be fine.

Here you go and there you go, bear.

Oh, good bear, good bear.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Home!

I've gotta get out of these clothes

and burn them.

Oh, thank God, a mirror!

[screams]

We got a kitchen.

With food that wasn't looking for food this morning!

Yeah.

[sighs]

[J.T.] Unbelievable!

The truck rolled into the lake.

We almost got mauled by a bear.

The Fosters had a rotten time.

What a great camping trip!

[laughing]

Too bad the ranger came early.

Let's go get the rest of the stuff.

Yeah, thanks, you guys.

Look, uh, Carol..

I-I know it was a tough weekend

but we got through it.

And I think that we learned a few things

that we can use on our next camping trip.

No, I know what I learned, Frank.

I learned that there's not gonnabea next camping trip.

Now, wait a minute.

Aren't you the one who is always saying

we should do things together as a family?

Yes.

But camping is not one of them.

Look, Frank, I learned a very important lesson this weekend.

Families are made up of individuals

and we should respect our differences.

You know, we can do a lot of things together

but we don't have to do everything together.

[chuckles] That's great.

For a minute I thought I was gonna have to go to that opera.

Oh, you're going to that opera with me, Frank.

You oweme.

Oh, whoa, wait a minute, now, what about myindividuality?

Eh, yeah, well, you lost that

when I had to eat rodentkebabs.

We are going to the Wagner festival

and it will be the best 12 hoursyou ever spent.

Twelve hours?

And if you would like to discuss this further

we will talk about it in the shower.

Honey, opera gives me si..

"In the shower?"

Oh, you win some, you lose some, ha-ha.

Well, you know Uncle Frank, he's a pretty big dude.

He's about yay high.

Carol's got blonde hair.

They got six kids.

'One of them's a real fox.'

Well, not a real fox.

[chuckles]

[growling]

So have you seen her or not, dude?

[theme music]

[bear growling]