All language subtitles for Marx Brothers [1933] Duck Soup

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Mrs. Teasdale? - Yes, Your Excellency?
- I again ask you to reconsider.

Gentlemen, I've already loaned
Freedonia over half my fortune.

I consider that money lost, and now
you're asking for another $20 million.

Only to meet this present emergency.

With $20 million, we can announce
a reduction in taxes.

That's all the people ask.
- I'm inclined to agree with them.

The government has been mismanaged.
- What?

I will lend the money, but only
if His Excellency withdraws.

You ask me to give up my office?
- Yes. In a crisis like this,

Freedonia needs a new leader,
a progressive fighter,

a man like Rufus T. Firefly!

Rufus T. Firefly!

I'll lend the money to Freedonia,
only if Firefly is appointed leader!

The Honorable Secretary
of Finance and Parking!

His Excellency,
Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania!

Ambassador.
- Mrs. Teasdale.

I'm anxious for you to meet
our new leader.

No matter who rules Freedonia, to me
you will always be the First Lady.

Permit me... Vera Marcal,
Ambassador Trentino.

I've seen Miss Marcal dance
many times at the theater. - Thanks.

The Honorable Pandooh of Mufhtan!
- I must greet His Honor.

What have you found out?
- Nothing.

I've given up on the revolution.
I have a better plan.

I can control Freedonia easier
by marrying Mrs. Teasdale.

Maybe that's not so easy.
From what I hear,

Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet
on this Rufus T. Firefly.

That's where you come in.
I place him in your hands.

I don't have to tell you
what to do... Careful!

I want you to meet
His Excellency's secretary Bob Roland.

Ambassador Trentino...

Miss Marcal.
- We've met.

I hope
His Excellency gets here soon.

He makes it a point to be on time.

He's never been late
for an appointment.

His Excellency is due
to take his station,

beginning his new administration.

He'll make his appearance when
the clock on the wall strikes ten.

When the clock on the wall
strikes ten,

all you loyal ladies
and you patriotic men,

let's sing the national anthem when
the clock on the wall strikes ten.

His Excellency is due
to take his station,

beginning his new administration.

He'll make his appearance when
the clock on the wall strikes ten.

We'll give him a rousing cheer
to show him we're glad he's here.

Hail, hail Freedonia...

Hail, hail Freedonia.

Land of the brave and free.

You expecting somebody?
- Yes.

Your Excellency...

We've been expecting you.
As chairwoman of the committee

I extend the good wishes
of the people of Freedonia.

Never mind. Take a card.
- What do I do with a card?

Keep it. I've got 51 left.
Now what were you saying?

As chairwoman,
I welcome you with open arms.

How late do you stay open?

I've sponsored you, because you're
Freedonia's most able statesman.

That covers a lot of ground.
You cover a lot of ground, too.

You better beat it or they'll tear
you down and put up offices.

You can leave in a taxi.
If not, you can leave in a huff.

You don't stop talking. You must be
vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

The future of Freedonia
rests on you.

Promise me you'll follow
in the footsteps of my husband.

I haven't been on the job 5 minutes,
and she's making advances to me.

But where is your husband?
- Why, he's dead.

I bet he's using that as an excuse.
- I was with him till the very end.

No wonder he died. - I held him
in my arms and kissed him.

It was murder! - Will you marry me?
Did he leave you money?

Answer the second question first.
- He left me his fortune.

Is that so?
I'm trying to tell you I love you.

Oh, Your Excellency...
- You're not so bad yourself.

I want to present you Ambassador
Trentino of Sylvania.

His presence is a great pleasure.

I can't stay very long.
- Even a greater pleasure.

How about lending us $20 million,
skinflint? - That's a lot of money.

I'll take that up with the Finance
Minister. - Then could I have $12?

$12? - On my 90-day note.
If it isn't paid back,

you can keep the note.

Your Excellency, haven't we
seen each other before?

I'm not sure I'm seeing you now.
It must be something I ate.

Are you trying ... - Don't look now.
There's one man too many here,

and I think it's you.

I'm so sorry.

I want you to meet a charming lady.
- It's about time.

Just a moment...

I want to present Vera Marcal...

Go ahead. I can take it.
- You don't understand.

Vera Marcal, the famous dancer.
- Really?

Can you do this one?

I danced before Napoleon.
No, he danced before me.

200 years before me. Here's one
I picked up in a dancehall.

Here's another one
I picked up in a dancehall.

Perhaps we get a chance
to dance together?

I could dance with you
till the cows come home.

On second thought,
I'd rather you came home.

Where's my secretary?
- Here I am! - Good heavens!

Take a letter.
- Who to? - To my dentist.

"Dear Dentist, Enclosed find check
for $500." Send it off now.

I'll have to enclose a check first.
- You do and I'll fire you.

Your Excellency, the eyes
of the world are upon you.

Notables from every country
are gathered in your honor.

This is a gala day for you.
- A gal a day is enough for me.

I don't think I could handle any more.

For our information,
just for illustration,

tell us how you intend
to run the nation.

These are the laws
of my administration:

No one's allowed to smoke, or tell a
dirty joke, and whistling's forbidden.

We're not allowed to tell
a dirty joke.

Hail, hail Freedonia.

If gum is chewed, the chewer's pursued
and in the hoosegow hidden.

If we should choose to chew,
we'll be pursued.

If any form of pleasure is exhibited,

report to me,
and it will be prohibited.

I'll put my foot down,
so shall it be.

This is the land of the free!

The last man
nearly ruined this place.

If you think this country's bad off,
just wait till I get through with it.

The country's taxes
must be fixed.

If you think you're paying too much,
wait till I get through with it.

I will not stand for anything
that's crooked or unfair.

I'm strictly on the up and up,
so everyone beware.

If anyone's caught taking graft,
and I don't get my share,

we stand him up against the wall
and pop goes the weasel.

So everyone beware,
who's crooked or unfair.

No one must take a bit of graft,
unless he gets his share.

If any man should come between
a husband and his bride,

we find out which one she prefers
by letting her decide.

If she prefers the other man,
the husband steps outside.

We stand him up against the wall
and pop goes the weasel.

The husband steps outside,
relinquishes his bride.

We stand him up against the wall
and take him for a ride.

You have an appointment
at the House of Representatives.

You can't go with your trousers up!
- I can't, eh?

They'll never catch me any other way!
My car!

His Excellency's car!

His Excellency's car!

I'm in a hurry.
Ride like fury.

If you run out of gas, get Ethel...
If Ethel runs out, get Mabel!

Feels good to be back again.

I've failed, Ambassador.
- I know!

I'm sorry.
- You have muddled everything.

If you'd started the revolution
as I planned,

I could have stepped in and placed
Freedonia under the Sylvanian flag.

But Firefly blocked us.

You have no idea how popular he is.
- I've known of that, too.

I have 2 spies shadowing him.
I want to find out something

to discredit him with the people.

Chicolini and Pinky are here.

These are my spies.
Show them in. Wait outside.

We fooled you good!

Gentlemen!

What is this?
- This is spy stuff.

Telegram for you...

He gets mad, because he can't read.
- I see.

We have serious matters to discuss.

Please, be seated.
- Rock-a-bye...

Gentlemen...
- Wait. Here, have a cigar.

A quarter cigar. I smoked the rest.
- No, thanks. I have my own.

Here, try one of these.

It's no good.

That's a good one.

Now let's concentrate.
Have you been trailing Firefly?

Have we been trailing him? My partner
has a nose like a bloodhound.

Really? - The rest of his face
don't look so good either.

We find out all about this Firefly.
Look at this. - Very good.

We must not be disturbed.

This is an important conference.
I do not wish to be interrupted.

Yes, sir.

Gentlemen,
we are not getting anywhere.

Out!

Please, will you tell me
what you found out about Firefly!

You gave us a picture of this man
to follow? - Yes!

We get on the job right away. And
in even less than one hour... - Yes?

We lose him.
Pretty quick work, huh?

I asked you to dig up something.
Did you bring me

his record?

No! No!

And the boy gets a cigar.

Chicolini, I want
a full, detailed report!

Alright: Monday we watch
Firefly's house, but he no come out.

He wasn't home. Tuesday we go
to a ballgame, but he fool us.

Wednesday he go to the ballgame,
be we fool him.

We no show up.
Thursday, nobody show up.

Friday there was no ballgame,
so we listen to it over the radio.

Then you didn't shadow Firefly?
- Sure, we shadow him all day.

When?
- Shadow day.

That's some joke, eh, boss?

What happened on Saturday?

Glad you asked. We follow this man
down to a roadhouse.

He meet a married lady.
- A married lady? - His wife...

Firefly has no wife.
- No? - No!

You know what I think, boss? - What?
- We followed the wrong man.

Gentlemen, I am disappointed.

I entrusted you with a mission,
and you've failed.

But I'm giving you one more chance.

I have credentials here that will
get you into any place in Freedonia.

Ah, here we are.

Are you sure you can trap Firefly?

This time I expect results.
Good luck.

Come on, Pinky.
- Goodbye.

The meeting's called to order.

The Treasury Department's report.
I hope you find it clear.

Clear? A 4-year-old child
could understand it.

Find me a 4-year-old-child.
I can't make head or tail of it.

Members of the Cabinet,
we'll take up all business.

I wish to discuss the tarif.
- That's new business.

No old business? You may take up
new business. - That tarif...

Too late.
That's already old business.

As your Secretary of War...
- Out of order!

Which reminds me, so is the plumbing.
Make a note of that.

Never mind. I'll do it myself.

The workers of Freedonia
are demanding shorter hours.

We'll start by cutting
their lunch hour to 20 minutes.

We must look for a new treasurer.
- You appointed one last week.

I'm looking for him.

Enough of this!
How about taking up the tax?

How about taking up the carpet?
- We must take up the tax!

Right. You've gotta take up the tacks
before you take up the carpet.

I give all my energy to my duties,
and what do I get?

Awfully tiresome.

You try my patience.
- You must try mine sometime.

That's the last straw! I resign!
I wash my hands of the whole business!

Good idea.
You can wash your neck, too.

Peanuts!

Hey, come here!

Just the guy I wanna see.
What did you find out about Firefly?

Find out something?
No find out something?

You spy on him?
No spy on him?

What's the matter, you no say nothing?
What's the matter you no speak?

Stop this!
What do you find?

You acting crazy! Come here.
What're you making a face like this?

What's the matter? You wanna fight?

I give you a fight.

Up the stairs, no downstairs!

Come on!

Who do you think you are?

What's the idea, fighting here
and driving away my customers!

You got a mistake.

Ain't no fight.
This guy's working for me.

He tells me nothing.
I ask, why you no speak.

He make a fight like this.
- What's the idea?

That's his idea.
I say something, he say nothing.

Every time I speak...
- Will you shut up!

What're you doing around here?

Who are you?

Can't you say...
Can't you say anything?

He say nothing...
- Shut up! - I am shut up!

You no understand. He and I are spies.
He work for me.

I want him to find out something,
but he no find out.

How am I gonna find out
if he no find out...

Will you quit annoying me!
- Alright.

Just make him stop doing this.

I'm gonna tear you
limb from limb...

I'll do the same...

I no say one thing.
- No, I must...

Now I'm gonna get you!

What're you doing?

Why you...

I'll teach you to kick me!
- I know how!

Stop it!

That's good, eh?

Peanuts!

Hey!

You wanna be a public nuisance?
- How much does the job pay?

I oughtta join the club
and beat you over the head.

Peanuts... to you!

Have you got a license?
- No, but my dog's got a million.

He's some smart dog.
He went with Admiral Byrd to the pole.

I bet the dog got to the pole first.

You win. - Come on up.
I wanna scare the Cabinet.

No, he's not in.
Alright, I tell him.

That was for you. - I'm not in.
I want to talk to you.

Give up that silly peanut stand, and
I'll get you a soft government job.

How about a job in the mint?
- No, I no like a mint.

What other flavor you got?

No, not yet.
Alright, I'll tell him. Goodbye.

That was for you again.
- What ever became of me?

I should have been back hours ago.
I got a swell job for you, but

I have a couple of questions.
What has four pairs of pants,

lives in Philadelphia,
and never rains but pours?

Good one. I give you 3 guesses.

Has 4 pairs of pants, lives in
Philadelphia. Male or female?

Don't think so.
- Is he dead? - Who?

I don't know. I give up.
- I give up, too.

Now I ask you. What's got
a big, black moustache,

smokes a big, black cigar,
and he's a big pain in the neck?

Now don't tell me.
Has a big, black moustache,

smokes a big, black cigar
and is a big pain...

Does he wear glasses?
- You guessed it quick.

Just for that, you don't get the job.
- What job?

Secretary of War.
- I take it. - Sold.

I'd be lost without a telephone!
Don't go away. I wanna talk to you.

Now where were we? Oh yes,
what kind of army should we have?

A standing army.

Why?

Then we save on chairs.

Peanuts...

Scat!

Who are you anyway?

I don't go in much for modern art.
Got any of the old masters?

Not bad.
You have her telephone number?

You could be a big help to me.
Where do you live?

Not much of a place,
but it's home.

I bet you haven't got
a picture of my grandfather.

Not now.

Some other time.

Your Excellency...
- Quiet!

This letter's the work of Trentino.
He's trying to undermine you.

What are you doing about it?
- I'll ring his doorbell and run.

We have to get rid of that man.
I have a plan.

Say something to make him mad,
and he'll strike you.

And we force him to leave the country.
- Swell. Couldn't I strike him?

Ambassador Trentino is sensitive.
Perhaps if you insult him...

I said something to Vera Marcal,
and he slapped me.

Why didn't Vera slap your face?
- She did. - What did you say?

You ought to be ashamed.
Where'd you hear that? - You told me.

Oh, yes. I should have slapped
Mrs. Teasdale when she told me.

Where is Trentino?
- At Mrs. Teasdale's teaparty.

Was I invited? Take a letter.

"You are cordially invited
to attend my teaparty."

Sign Mrs. Teasdale's name, and
tell her I accept. Come on.

I've got an appointment to insult
Ambassador Trentino. Step on it!

My 5th trip today,
and I haven't been anywhere yet.

You don't seem to be making
progress with Mrs. Teasdale.

How? Every time I get her in the mood
to say yes, Firefly pops in.

This is your opportunity. He won't
be here today. - Sure?

Positive. I helped Mrs. Teasdale
with the invitations. - Oh!

His Excellency Rufus T. Firefly!

Hail, hail Freedonia,

land of the brave and free.

I've waited for years. I love you.
Can't you see I'm at your feet?

When you're done with hers,
start on mine.

If that isn't an insult!
- Gloria, I love you.

I realize you are lonely.

Can't we be by ourselves? - What can
he offer you? Wealth? Family?

I can't give you wealth,
but we can have a little family.

Oh, Rufus! - All I can offer you
is a Rufus over your head.

I don't know what to say. - I wouldn't
know what to say either.

Maybe you can suggest something.
You do suggest something.

A baboon.
- What?

I'm sorry. It isn't fair
to the rest of the baboons.

This man's conduct is inexcusable!
- Gentlemen!

I didn't come here to be insulted!

That's what you think!
- You swine! - Come again?

You worm! - Once more?
- You upstart! - That's it!

Touché. - This regrettable occurrence
may plunge our countries into war.

This is terrible!
- I'm a man of few words.

I'm a man of one word: Scram!

A man doesn't call a Firefly
an upstart!

The Mayflower was full
of Fireflys, and a few horseflies.

The Fireflys were on the upperdeck,
the horseflies were on the Fireflys.

Good day, my Sweet.
- I must speak to you.

See you at the theater. After you get
there, you're on your own.

His Excellency's car!
- His Excellency's car!

No, I'm not taking any more chances.
You can only fool a Firefly twice.

This time you ride in the sidecar.

This is the only way to travel.

Come here, Pinky.

Watch the stand.

Come on, Pastano.

I regret the unfortunate affair
with His Excellency, but

his attitude left me no alternative.
- Maybe we can still avoid this war.

If we only could.
- Yes...

Mrs. Teasdale, I've been recalled
by my president.

Then it's too late?
- Not if he listens to reason.

I'm prepared to pocket my pride
and forget, if he is.

That's wonderful of you,
but His Excellency won't hear of it.

Perhaps he will listen to you.

You think so? - Of course.
- I'll call him.

I hate to disturb you. You're
a busy man, but I must see you.

Where are you? Oh. You can come in
the back way, no one'll see you.

If you think of it,
bring some cheese.

You must come over. I can't tell it
to you over the phone.

It's that kind of story. You ought
to be ashamed. I'll be right over.

You'd better wait outside
until I've talked to him.

Very well,
we'll be out here if you want us.

How'd you get in here?
- I'm sorry to disturb you.

Will you ever forgive me? - After
tonight, will you ever forgive me?

These plans of war are as valuable
as your life. Pretty cheap.

Watch them like kittens.
Have you ever had kittens?

Of course not.
You run around playing bridge.

Can't you see what I'm telling you?
Marry me.

Why, marry you?
- Take me, and I'll take a vacation.

I'll need a vacation
if we get married...

I can see you in the kitchen,
bending over a hot stove.

But I can't see the stove.
Say the word,

and you'll never see me again.

Gloria.

Rufus, what are you thinking of?

All the years I've wasted
collecting stamps.

You will think me
a sentimental old fluff,

but would you mind giving me
a lock of your hair? - A lock?

I had no idea... - I'm letting you off
easy. I was gonna ask for the wig.

You've come to ask for clemency?
- He is on a friendly visit.

He's had a change of heart.
- He's still got the same face!

I'm willing to forget, if you are.
- Forget?

You ask me to forget?
A Firefly never forgets.

My ancestors would rise from their
graves. I'd have to bury them again.

Nothing doing. I'm going to clean
my bed. I'm expecting company.

Please, wait.
- Let go, you bully!

I'm willing to do anything
to prevent this war.

Too late. I've already paid rent
on the battlefield.

Isn't there something I can do?
- I'll talk to you about that later.

Won't you reconsider?
Please, relent... for my sake.

I am a little headstrong.
I come by it honestly.

My father was a Headstrong.
My mother was a little Armstrong.

The Headstrongs married the Armstrongs
and darkies were born.

Silly to lose my temper on account of
the little thing you called me.

Little thing?
What did I call you?

I don't remember what it was.

You mean "worm"?
- No, that wasn't it.

I know... "swine"?
- No, it was a seven-letter word.

Oh yes! "Upstart".
- That's it!

This man is impossible.
An outrage!

My course is clear.
This means war! You runt!

I still like "upstart" the best.

I shan't stay longer.
- Never darken my towels again.

My hat!
- My towel!

Freedonia's war plans are
in Mrs. Teasdale's possession.

I must get hold of them.
- But how?

We have a guest
in Mrs. Teasdale's house, Miss Marcal.

Do you mind waiting outside?
I'll join you. - Certainly.

Excuse me.

Yes, I am alone... No, not yet.

We've got to work fast.
You must get hold of those plans.

Chicolini and his partner
should be there soon.

But I must be careful.
There's another guest here.

Firefly? I don't know.
I think he's asleep.

Ring the bell.

Push the button.

You got the plans?
- No, but they're in the house.

Don't make a sound.
If you're found, you're lost.

You're crazy.
How can I be lost if I'm found?

Got a flashlight?

If they catch you, you'll be
court-martialed and shot.

Vera!

I must go. Remember,
don't make a sound.

Stay here, but keep quiet. If we get
caught, we get court-plastered.

I'm worried. I can't sleep.

What? You're worried?
You can't sleep?

Fine. Now you woke me up.

I won't rest until the plans
are back in your hands.

Please, come over and get them.

The plans? I'll be right over.

Let me out!

Let me out!
Or throw me a magazine!

So that's your game. I'll huff and
puff and blow your door in.

Come in.

I'm so glad you've come.
- I'm glad, too. Got the plans?

You sound so strange.
Why are you talking like that?

Maybe sometime I go to Italy,
and I'm practicing the language.

I'll see my lawyer about this
as soon as he graduates.

Your dialect is perfect.
I could listen to you all night.

But I can't stay all night.
Where's the plans?

In the safe, downstairs.
I'll write out the combination.

There you are. Here's the combination.
Is that clear?

Anything else you want to know?

What's the matter with you?
Have you lost your voice?

Let me get you a glass of water.

Here's your water...
What in the world's the matter?

I thought you'd left.
- I no leave.

But I saw you with my own eyes. - Who
you believe? Me or your own eyes?

This excitement's too much. I feel
faint. - I'll get you water.

How about my glass of water?
- I give up. How about it?

What's that?
- Sounds to me like mice.

Mice don't play music.
- How about the old "Micetro"?

Get me headquarters.
Not hindquarters... headquarters.

Rush the guards over,
and have 'em surround the house.

His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly.

Hail, hail Freedonia,
land of the brave and free.

Lieutenant, why weren't the indictment
papers in my portfolio?

I didn't think
they were important.

You didn't think so?
I had my dessert in those papers!

Take this bottle back
and get 2 cents for it.

Hello, boss! - Chicolini,
I bet you 8 to one we find you guilty.

That's no good. I can get
10 to one at the barber shop.

You're charged with high treason.
If found guilty, you'll be shot.

I object.
- On what grounds?

I couldn't think of anything else.

Objection sustained.
- You sustained the objection?

I couldn't think of anything either.
Why don't you object?

When were you born?

I don't know.
I was just a little baby.

Did you try to sell Freedonia's
secret war code and plans?

I sold the code
and 2 pairs of plans.

That's some joke, huh?
- 20 to one we find you guilty.

Have you anyone to defend you?

It's no use. I offered 18 dollars,
but I no find somebody to defend me.

My friends,
this man's case moves me deeply.

Look at Chicolini.

He sits there alone,
an abject figure. - I abject.

Look at Chicolini. He sits there
alone, a pitiable object.

Let's see you get outta that one.

Surrounded by unfriendly faces.

A number from one and ten.
- 11? - Right.

What has a trunk
but no key,

weighs 2,000 pounds...

Irrelevant!
- Elephant! That's the answer!

A lot of elephants in the circus.

That testimony we can eliminate.
- I'll take some.

You'll take what?
- A cold glass of lemonade.

Hey, boss, I'm going good.

He may talk like an idiot
and look like an idiot,

but he really is an idiot.

Send him back
to his father and brothers,

who are waiting for him with open arms
in the penitentiary.

Give him 10 years in Leavenworth
or 11 years in Twelveworth.

I'll take 5 and 10 in Woolworth.

I wanted to get rid of habeas corpus.
I should have gotten rid of you.

I object.
- Even I object. - I object, too.

You can't object!

You're Excellency, General Cooper says
that the Sylvanian troops

are about to land on Freedonia's soil.
This means war.

War would mean
a increase in taxes!

I got an uncle that lives in Texas.
- No, taxes, money, dollars.

That's where my uncle lives!
Dallas, Texas.

More bad news.

Didn't I tell you?
- Your Excellency.

What's on your mind, babe?
- On behalf of Freedonia's women,

I make one final effort
to prevent war. - No kidding?

Trentino says that Sylvania
doesn't want war either. - Either.

Doesn't want war either.
- Either.

Skip it.

I've asked the ambassador to come,
because we both felt

that a friendly conference
would settle everything peacefully.

He'll be here any moment.
- You did a noble deed.

I'd be unworthy of the high trust
if I didn't do everything

to keep our beloved Freedonia
at peace with the world.

I'd be happy to meet him
and offer him the right hand

of good fellowship. I feel sure
he will accept this gesture

in the spirit with which it's offered.

But suppose he doesn't? A fine thing!
I hold out my hand,

and he refuses to accept it.
That'll add a lot to my prestige.

Me, the head of a country,
snubbed by an ambassador!

Who does he think he is? To make a sap
out of me in front of my people.

I hold out my hand,
and that hyena refuses to accept it.

Why, the cheap swine! He'll
never get away with it! - Please!

So, you refuse
to shake hands with me, eh?

This is the last straw!
No turning back! This means war!

Then it's war!

Then it's war! Gather the forces!
Harness the horses! It's war!

Freedonia's going to war...

At last our country's going to war.

We're going to war!

We think
our country's going to war.

We're going to war!
- A fact we can't ignore.

We're going to war.
A fact we can't ignore.

I think they think
we're going to war.

I think they think
we're going to war.

To war! To war!

They got guns, we got guns,
all God's chillun got guns...

We're gonna walk over the battlefield,
'cause all God's chillun got guns.

Hail Freedonia,
don't you cry for me.

I'll be comin' round the mountain
with a banjo on my knee.

To war, to war,
we know we gotta go.

To war! To war!

To war! To war!
We soon will say goodbye.

Oh how we'd cry for Firefly
if Firefly should die.

There'll be 2 lamps
if the enemy is coming by land.

One if they're coming by sea.

They've doublecrossed me!
They're coming by land and sea.

Ride through every village and town,
wake every citizen.

Tell them
the enemy comes from afar...

Be off, my lad!

My husband! Hide in here!

Freedonia's going to war.
- I'm going to take a bath.

Clear all wires. The enemy
has captured Hill 27 and 28,

throwing 13 hillbillies out of work.

2 snipers cut into our machine-gun
nest and laid an egg.

Send reinforcements.
Send the call collect.

Our men are being badly beaten.
I suggest we dig trenches.

There isn't time
to dig trenches.

We'll buy 'em ready-made. Here.
- Yes, sir.

Get 'em this high, and our soldiers
won't need pants. - Yes, sir.

No, this high, and we won't need
soldiers. - Yes, sir.

Chicolini, I'm counting on you.

There's a nest near Hill 28. I want it
cleaned out. - I'll tell the janitor.

Message from the front.
- Don't we ever get one from the side?

What is it?
- A gas attack.

Take a spoon of bicarbonate soda
and water. - Yes, sir.

Any answer to that message? - No.
- Don't send it.

This is the last straw!
Where's my Stradivarius? - Here.

I'll show them they can't fiddle
with old Firefly.

Look at 'em run! Now we're at war!
- Your Excellency!

They're fleeing like rats!
- But sir...

I'll give myself the Firefly medal.

You're shooting your own men.
- What?

You're shooting your own men.

Here's 5 dollars. Keep it under your
hat. No, I'll keep it under mine.

We gotta have more men! - Don't be
alarmed. We're looking for volunteers.

Join the army,
see the navy.

The army's morale is crumbling.
The men are breaking ranks.

Where is the Secretary of War?
- Where is the Secretary of War?

The soldiers are waiting for his
orders. - The Secretary of War!

Decent of you to dop in.
Our army is facing defeat.

What do you intend to do?
- I've done it. - What?

Changed to the other side.
- What're you doing here?

The food's better over here.

Chicolini, I need you.
What'll it take to come back over?

I'll take a vacation.
- You're hired.

Go out on that battlefield and
lead those men to victory.

Not unless I was in one those big
iron things. What you call 'em?

Tanks.
- You're welcome.

You must come here at once.
We're in danger.

There's no danger here.

Wait, I wanna find out something.

Just as I thought. Coast is clear.

You're fighting for this woman's
honor. More than she ever did.

Your Excellency...

There goes my gun.
Run out and get it.

Our ammunition supplies are low.
- Man the boats! I'll get help!

Calling all nations...
This is Rufus T...

Rufus T. Firefly,
through courtesy of the enemy...

We're in a mess!

Rush to Freedonia. 3 men and 1 woman
trapped in a building.

If you can't send help,
send 2 more women.

Make it 3 more women.

We can't hold out much longer.
We must have help.

One of us has to get word
to General Cooper...

Quiet back there!

Who is going to sacrifice his life?
- We draw lots.

Wait. I got it.

I did it wrong. Wait.
I start here.

That's no good too.

I got it right.

A brave man!
Break through the lines.

While you're risking life and limb,

we'll be thinking, "What a sucker!"

Goodbye...

Hail Freedonia!
- Hail Freedonia!

Where did they get you?

Careful! It's the only water we got.
- It's the only woman we got.

We're surrounded. They're attacking
from the rear. - This way.

We'll barricade the door!

This is Firefly. Send us help
at once. - Help is on the way.

Help is on the way!

They got me... Water!

Water!

Get me outta here!

Last time this happened,
I was crawling under a bed.

If help would only come!

Any mail for me?

Keep away from me!

Trentino! ...That's game.

Call me an "upstart"!

I surrender!

You'll have to wait
until the food runs out.

Victory is ours!

Hail, hail Freedonia...

Land of the...

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