Original subtitles

Another one. - Don't worry, Count, I'm here.

Martial, push that one a little to the left.

It's leaking everywhere.

Time to eat soup, Baroness.

The Devil By The Tail

One croquette for room ten.

One croquette. One.

Thank you, Miss Am�lie.

Don't keep calling me Miss.

It's infuriating when you're divorced.

Divorced at 19. What a world we live in!

Poor child.

And strangely, I think that priests are the ones to blame.

Good evening, Am�lie. - Good evening, dad.

Where's your mother? - Working.

I work too, you know. - Me too, I'm working.

We all work... while the bourgeois feasts and stuffs himself.

Look, he's finished his croquette.

Dad, could you clear the table, I'm finishing my chapter.

Tomorrow is Assumption Day and it's my 110th pot.

What pot?

Chamber pot, Mr. Patin.

110 chamber pots to protect my heaven.

My God, another angel has lost a buttock!

Am�lie, where is your mother?

And we make their beds too...

Georges, my friend, I could joyfully make 50 beds, but we only have one client for 6 months...

Can I give you a hand, mom?

Don't excite me. It's not the time.

Come on, dad!

In front of your daughter!

Diane, where's your mother?

Hello, mother. We must talk.

I won't disturb your bookkeeping. - Well, let's talk about our books.

We've the devil by the tail. - Sell your jewels. - Which?

An earring like this could repair the chapel roof.

And how would I go out with only one earring?

What bad faith, son-in-law. - Forget your jewels and complaints.

We've had one "single breakfast" each weekend for six months. One.

You forget the meals. - Meals without wine.

Look at your client, he's always the same.

A hotel can survive only with drunks and couples.

Can you imagine, couples?

"Love and wine".

I'd rather smoke my cigarette quietly in a two-room overlooking the courtyard...

while you turn the castle into an inn.

But there are customers for my kind of beds.

You wouldn't understand.

Really, I hardly see you managing a house of...

A brothel? - There are different kinds of brothels, mom. Right, grandmother?

Absolutely.

But don't talk dirty in front of your cousin, she's still a Miss.

However, to save my house, I'm ready to turn it into a whorehouse.

With rich customers, of course.

Instead of this old schmuck you expect the Duke of Windsor or the Aga Khan?

Why not?

Keep dreaming. I'll clear up.

As usual, it's all left to me.

But it's not a dream, my idea is excellent.

It's not been exploited, that's all.

Our plan is succinct. "Welcome...love...and dough".

You, Am�lie, attract the customers. And you, Diane, hold them here.

And Jeanne?

As usual, she does nothing. - It's what she does best.

That's true.

But how would I attract them?

Ask your little car mechanic. - Charlie? I've already asked him.

He's not very warm. - Well, warm him up then!

First, you disturb me. Second, I'm working.

Third, you miss me and don't see enough of me.

Since you were so high. Off to your castle and let me work in peace!

Okay. Work then.

What do you want? - That you talk to me nicely.

Really? - Really.

I need your help.

Obviously. When in dire straits, it's Charlie, always Charlie.

When you're ditched, you're back. - Don't exaggerate!

When you see them, "you think only of me."

True. - So you married another guy.

But I divorced. Imagine that, a divorce in the family?

Enough of your family. Stop. What are they doing now, how will this end?

You need business sense, not tomfoolery.

We need customers. Send them to us.

And I would get my percentage, I know. What kind?

Well... if I send you no one it means no one came up.

Liar.

It's so easy if you really try.

So, you'll send me some customers?

No.

Come on, it's in your interest. - And if I get caught?

You'll keep quiet. - It's wonderful.

You women think only of yourselves.

We have to.

Let's say 15 persons max. - Tell me.

I'll see you this evening?

That depends on you.

You always wear shades? - Yeah.

How can you see?

What is there to see? Your short-cuts?

I'm looking for a gas station. - Me, the sun.

Look out for gas.

I'm so bored. I warn you, I'll go back to the airport.

Come on, I didn't whistle you up, did I.

D'you think I'm here on account of your charm?

I guess. - Poor guy.

Lot of guys could drive me to the Riviera.

Then, why me? - You or another...

It always ends the same way. I don't care anymore.

A gas station! - At last!

Full tank?

Premium. Tell me where are the...?

End of the yard, on your right.

I must check the water. Open the bonnet. - I don't know where it is.

I know the type.

5.000, sir. - Keep the change, lad.

She has some oomph, huh?

You must learn to handle her, that's all.

That's the first time it's happened.

Shit! - Stop. You'll drown her.

How did you manage to come so far?

The highway, then the diversion because of the works.

That's not what I mean. Your breaker points are dead.

Dead? - Dead? Repair them!

You didn't hear the crankshaft going tic-tic-tic-tic?

Yes, I did.

Tic-tic-tic-tic?

Repair the crankshaft then!

Remove the engine at this hour? You're joking. It's a four day job.

Even for me? - Even for you.

Call us a cab!

I'm sorry, Miss, there's no cab here. We're in the back of beyond.

Do you really think I'm going to spend the night here?

I won't let you down, don't worry.

There's only one solution. Come with me.

Go up on your own. I can't leave my garage deserted.

Alright.

These old houses have an impressive look, huh?

Quite fun, after all, these little mishaps!

Do you have a room, darling?

Two rooms!

You're not together? - Of course, we are. - We're not.

One room in the right wing, another in the left.

Let's talk about it somewhere dry. - Come on.

How nice!

Hey, be careful!

It's a Louis XIV floor. - I'm sorry, darling.

Stop calling me "darling"! - What shall I call you, love?

I am the Baroness Am�lie de Gustie.

Try to remember.

This way, please.

Show me your papers.

Room with bathtub, I guess.

In mine, in any case.

Two rooms then. Let's see...

Let's see. I have some rooms at 18.000 and 20.000 franc for the night.

With antique furniture.

Paid in advance. Cash only.

The Marechal's and the Pompadour's then.

Georges.

Mother.

Luggage.

You haven't have dinner? - Well, we...

No. And I'm starving!

Tell me, my friend. Are meals included in the price?

And for the meals, mother? - We only have the gourmet menu.

Fixed price or "� la carte".

Fixed.

Diane!

Diane, my child!

The Mar�chal's and the Pompadour's.

This way please. - Where's my room?

You're not together? - Oh yes.

Oh no!

Even better.

Georges, my darling. Accompany Miss to the room next door.

Georges, my darling... Tell me, beautiful.

You're not the bellboy's girlfriend? - Not at all, he's my husband.

By the way, I didn't introduce you. Georges.

Sir? - Jean-Jacques Leroy-Martin.

The Count de Gustie.

Delighted. No, let me take it.

After you.

I met a Gustie at my tennis club. - How strange...

My husband is the last male of the line.

You're right, it was a "Loustine" or "Roussy" or...

"Plombac". A very intelligent man, by the way.

I think you'll be very comfortable here.

These pillows have a story.

La Pompadour...

has slept here.

If you'd like to read, the lamp is here.

I can give you some reading.

These books are a little libertine.

Unfortunately, the only kind I like. You don't feel well?

Yes, yes... No, no...

On the contrary.

Just a little dizzy.

You're expected in the dining room. Just round the corner.

Corridor end, take the big staircase,

then left, it's just after the music and smoking rooms.

Oh, I forgot.

Your friend's in a bad mood because of this tiring trip.

She'll have a warm bath, then a glass of port.

Drinks are not included, by the way. Then she'll be gentle as a flower.

We're all the same.

You hear? Already.

He's funny, isn't he?

I'll leave you alone.

So, you're Count and bellhop at the same time?

Well, it's that or driving a Jaguar with a diver...

What?

Look.

Women are funny creatures.

Young ones, old ones, another race completely.

At first, it's surprising then you get used to it as with all the rest.

Ah, you're not interested in women!

Well... - I feel the same about men.

There isn't much to them.

Probably.

Here. It's clean.

Too bad there's no water.

But it's normal in these old houses.

The best tap around here, is the roof.

I'd like to see how this place will look 387 years in the future.

387 years?

In 1581, there was just...

a remote forest here.

My ancestor Maximilien was hunting blackbirds.

He fell from his horse and broke his spine. He couldn't be moved.

So they built around him.

And here it is.

It's true? - No.

But we've always had a taste for embellishing things. And that's what...

I reproach in your glasses.

Diane.

I suddenly find you very attractive.

You see, Georges, that we need more visitors.

Go on your own. I can't leave the garage unattended.

Welcome, my brothers.

They're not monks, grandmother.

Even better. Those people never pay.

Hello.

Sure, sure, if you say so...

"Make love, not war."

So, you don't speak French?

Perfect, perfect. The King's room then with mandatory Champagne.

This way.

Bravo, Am�lie. Well done, your boyfriend.

Go on. I must go. I can't leave the garage unattended.

Madam, I am Madame Passereau with my father, children and husband.

Our car's broken down. With less than 5.000 kilometers.

You and your idea of buying a new car. Would you have a room?

Only at 20.000 francs.

Please! We won't argue the price.

With this weather our children could catch a cold or a congestion and end up at the hospital!

This way. - It's funny how men think only of themselves.

Night has fallen, our car is broken,

I'm exhausted and quite speechless...

Full tank?

Yes, premium. - Premium, ok.

It's Max who forgot to fill the tank.

Now, let's check oil and water.

It's done.

50 liters makes 15.000 franc, sir.

Thank you, sir. Good trip, sir.

I don't understand.

Come on, repair it! Repair, we tell you!

Be polite. No scandal.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you. I'm sorry, I know nothing about these big cars.

Out of your hole, you don't know very much.

Call me a cab. - I don't have a phone.

Where have I fallen? Amongst what tribe?

But there's a phone at the Marchioness' house.

A Marchioness?

Where does she live?

Up there at the castle. We can take my car, if you want.

Fruit, pastry?

Isn't there ice cream, mum?

I want some ice cream. I'm still hungry. - Me too.

I write my editorial as usual and then a piano in the middle of the night.

But who reads your editorial for "Le Petit Beaujolais lib�r�"?

What on earth's that? Running half-naked through my drawing room!

Is this your home? - I thought so. And these people?

It's the weekend, Mr. Patin. - I see. Weekend, hobbies, holidays...

They're lazy and reproduce like rabbits.

It's life rolling on, Mr. Patin. - Rolling toward the abyss!

Anyone there?

Who?

There's the phone.

Hello? Call me a taxi and fast.

What do you mean "no taxi"?

Who is this barbarian?

Then give me Turin 222 2-2-2-2.

In one hour! It's unbelievable?

Ok, I'll wait.

Excuse me, sir.

Whoever you are, I have the impression you're not much.

I run a quiet house.

If you come here to break my door, the phone and my ears...

I'll have to call the police.

Come on, the police in such a lovely house!

Excuse me, I haven't introduce myself yet.

Baron C�sar Anselme de Maricorne.

Consul General for Cultural Relations

with maritime offices for the Latin American Union.

Amongst other things.

I'm delighted, Excellency. - The pleasure's mine.

We have rooms at 18.000 or 20.000 franc.

And each one has its story. - Give me one.

And for these gentlemen? - Two camp beds.

I keep them by my side or they get lost. - This way then, gentlemen, this way.

This is all your luggage?

Enough for one night, I mean, one hour.

Say, could you call me as soon as the call comes through?

Lovely.

Come on, poets.

Jeanne, my darling...

Tell me, lovely Marchioness....

I wanted to tell you. Don't forget to put the phone call on my tab.

Oh, Rachmaninov!

Superb, divine.

You like it? - I don't like, I love music.

You love music? - I don't love, I live music.

Georges, the luggage.

My briefcase! - I've given you number 13.

Casanova's room. - Casanova?

Has he stayed here? - For two days

And made love many times.

To whom do I have the honor?

Madame, Cesar Anselme de Malicorne won't leave beauty languishing.

Waiter, drinks for everyone. To pass time until my phone call.

Dear friend, a waltz.

You're not going to play for this rascal?

Room number 13. Wait for me upstairs. I'll deceive them.

Don't bother.

I love the unexpected, the sudden romance. - Me too.

One hour ago the castle slept.

You arrive and wake it up.

I know, I've already been told. It's a matter of temperament.

Unpredictable coincidence.

My husband startled you?

Your husband?

I don't like husbands. And you?

You know, for me, all men are husbands.

Really? - You hurt me, Excellency.

I'm sorry. And forget the "Excellency". Cesar will do.

Talk about a guy who's amusing! - You don't find me so?

You're making people jealous. You must repair. I'll leave you.

What did he say? - He's a little rough, but it's not unpleasant.

Miss, let my joy be doubled with the pleasure to invite you.

May I say something? - What?

Nothing...

You don't ask me? - If you want.

Daddy, children, you can go to bed.

You stay alone? - Yes, no...Well, I'm going to sleep.

Alone?

For once. Seducing, always seducing...

I'm tired of seducing tonight.

I don't believe you. - My love, come, let's go upstairs with this bottle.

Sorry.

Excellency.

A collect call from Turin. - I'm coming.

Thank you.

Is there a booth? - No, but I'll ask them to keep quiet.

Jeanne, stop. Everybody quiet. We have Turin on the phone.

Not at all. Carry on, carry on!

Hello? Luvanski? - Yes, is that you. C�sar?

Yes, we must cancel. I can't be at the border tonight.

It's impossible. The car broke down. - The airplane has already left.

What? It couldn't wait? - No, really, it couldn't.

It couldn't. Listen... - Ok, see you tomorrow.

Bye.

You heard everything?

We hear foreign countries better than the local grocery.

Say, this Luvanski doesn't seem very reliable.

A broken car... He could have waited.

You really heard. So, you've understood everything.

You understand that... after 29 years abroad, deep in the Amazonian jungle,

amongst those not so friendly people,

to whom... to whom...

I bring the oxygen they claim with full lungs to add to their cultural backgrounds,

how depressing to break down in the cradle of our French heritage...

where I see here the most lovely example...

I'll mention you at our next congress, by the way. What was I saying?

Your plane... - Broke down too.

The Minister must wait.

To sum up, we're in the the hands of the Lord and I'll leave you in peace.

Beautiful ladies, I wish you a beautiful night.

He's so charming. - A swell guy.

A roll is missing.

Which one of you two bastards...

I had such faith in you.

I still have faith.

Come on, make your beds!

This man is a monument.

What do you think my darlings? Do you agree with me? - Oh yes, completely.

Newsflash. Sensational hold-up of a bank in Macon.

100.000.000 in loot. Blockades erected on all the local roads.

What times we live in.

What was I saying? Oh, yes...

Have you seen his eyes, his teeth, his hands?

His nostrils.

I met a man like this in my time.

A Neapolitan. - What a voice!

Maybe a little talkative. - I don't think so.

Your cousin is a child. Go to bed, my darling.

Of course, he's talkative.

Even better.

If these men talk about love, non-stop, they also make it, believe me.

They make it marvellously.

It's simple, you only realize afterwards.

And meanwhile? - It's heaven.

When you're in heaven, you've no time to wonder.

Mom...

I think I'm going to cheat on Georges. - I know, my darling.

I feel it.

Your mother will help. Tell Charlie to fetch that devil's car as soon as possible.

He must leave.

What a pity. - You must live with it. Come on.

Before your mother becomes inconsolable.

Am�lie... - Yes, I'm here.

I can't stand seeing you sleeping when I'm up.

My little doe. - Hurry up.

It's so kind of you to come here...

After. - After what?

First you must put on your socks.

Then your overalls. - What are you doing?

Dressing you.

What time is it?

Won't you ever wake up?

Some water in your face.

It's the first time you've come to my room like this. - Here.

You must repair the big American car. - Right now?

You know mom. She's afraid of my father being a cuckold.

Again? - Hurry up!

You must repair it now!

I've never worked on a car like that. It'll take all night.

All the more reason.

Come on, hurry up.

You told me we'd meet tonight. - Well,

I'm here. - Yes, but not like this...

After. I'm staying.

Hurry up.

You don't feel sleepy?

No.

I wonder and I worry about all this.

I know it's night, but why always see everything so darkly?

I observe a world populated by fools...

and we can fall upon them even in the most solitary retreats.

This man is very kind. He's like you.

An artist.

Overconfident, almost brutish. - No.

Expansive.

Why are you always so restrained?

I put respect above everything else.

But, Mr. Patin, don't you think that being respectful stops you from...

From what, my girl?

It seems to block your impulses.

I'm wary of impulses.

How afraid you are.

Not me.

Good night, Mr. Patin.

Stop being a jerk!

Open up!

Leave me alone, please.

What are you doing?

Reading.

You're always reading!

Of course, you can't understand that.

Open the door!

What for?

What a pain you are!

It's not because of this tenor. I don't care about that guy.

Who are you talking about?

You know very well, open up.

I'm not the kind of man you whistle at to make him sit up and beg.

You're upset?

I'm above all that.

Very well. So long.

Alright, it's okay.

Come in.

Shit, your hair!

Good...

Take that, Baron C�sar...

It's over? -Yep.

It's so nice of you. You worked very hard.

You've earned your reward, my friend.

A fat chance of that.

"Have a rest. I'll see you in my room during mass."

Miss Am�lie, bright little nymph!

What's this?

Take that car out of my sight, get rid of this catafalque!

I don't want to leave this paradise!

This paradise!

Stand up, assholes, we set sail.

The charming Marchioness and our dear little Am�lie!

The little bill.

I put everything together. 347,812 francs and 25 cents.

Everything's included?

I generously left out the 25 cents.

Well, well, well, I won't forget this house in a long time.

Dear lady. Miss.

Unfortunately, good customers never come back.

Let's go and hit them!

No, no, no! Turn round innocently, innocently...

Oh, the beautiful little flowers!

Turn round innocently, innocently... Turn round, moron!

Oh, the beautiful little flowers!

Oh, the beautiful little flowers...

all around me!

How pretty!

Come on, hurry up now, moron! Hurry up!

Stop!

Back up. Fast.

Innocently but back up.

Stop or I shoot! - Let him shoot and keep backing up.

Come on boss, let me shoot him! - Don't shoot. Back up.

Stop! Stop!

Stop.

Turn around. I'll cover your back.

Take cover!

Go forward! Forward!

It's fucking stuck!

Can't you see I'm trying?

They took the road to Frechere. Follow them, we'll call the squad cars.

Martial... - What a fuss!

Mass is about to begin and I see no one. Did you wake everyone?

Our guests have one religion, their Sunday lie-in. And they're right.

Well, whether they like it or not, when under my roof,

everyone's going at mass on Sunday.

Except Mr. Patin, of course.

He hates the Church. and makes a living out of it.

We can't take bread out of his mouth.

I almost waited. Martial, her shoes.

Hello, dear lady. - Hello.

I don't see your husband. - I let him sleep.

Imagine, last night, for the first time since...

My goodness! I imagine very well.

Isn't it silly to dispose of others' souls like that?

That's how it is.

I'm a free-thinker and libertine.

One tolerates the Church, the other prefers his bed.

His bed...

Come on, children. And let's take the short-cut.

Am�lie, you still don't believe in God?

No. - Good.

So, as usual, you guard the house. Let's go.

Enjoy your mass, ladies and gentlemen.

Look at that!

Just a moment.

Will it ever happen?

Hello, Miss.

Can you give me Turin, please? Number 222 2-2 2-2.

I'll wait. Thanks.

So, you're back?

Oh, little Am�lie! I told you, two steps away and my heart's already broken.

Besides, I must make a phone call.

Sorry.

Hello?

Luvanski? Yes, Cesar.

Wait a second.

I can't meet you there. Yes, an accident.

All the roads are blocked. But you, can come.

In front of the castle there's a large meadow where you can very easily land.

Don't worry. The meadow will be marked out. Tonight?

Good. Now repeat.

Okay, bye.

Hello, Baroness. Isn't the Marchioness home?

No. Why? - You don't know?

The hold-up in Macon.

Blockades everywhere. And you ask why? You never know anything in this castle.

It's like the back of beyond.

A hold-up? - Can we see the register?

Of course.

Here.

Yes, a nice hold-up. 100.000.000 francs.

Three men.

One fat, fair man. One small and dark. And a tall, swarthy man aged 45 years.

45 years, grey temples, a carnation buttonhole, handsome man?

You saw him? - 100.000.000! That�s huge!

Not bad.

You'd need a ton of luggage to carry all that.

Obviously, you've never seen that kind of money.

In 500 franc bills it would fit in...

in there, for example.

So, you saw that man?

Not at all. - Watch out then.

Good bye, Baroness.

Charlie!

You're coming up? - No, you're coming down and fast.

What did he want? - As all policemen. To catch a thief.

What did they say?

Amazing!

An hold-up of 100.000.000.

Really?

He said they missed 200.000.000 in a half-open drawer.

Is that so? - How unfortunate.

Why unfortunate? - I find these guys terrific.

They got a description? - Four youngsters.

The oldest not even eighteen.

You know, if one day I meet a guy like that...

Immediately... - Immediately what?

Everything. I'd give him everything.

Me included. - Where are you going?

To mass.

You know, it's true what I told you. Right?

And you... pedal and drop me at the church.

When do we meet again? Where? How?

In my room. After lunch.

Aren't you feeling well? - How beautiful! How moving!

What staging! What pomp!

And what shoes!

You heard the news? - You're a believer again?

There was a bank hold-up in Macon.

We know. The priest delivered a sermon on the subject.

Did he say it was a 100.000.000 heist?

1000.000.000? - And it's with us.

What are you saying? - In a briefcase.

Repeat.

The 100.000.000 is with us right now.

I don't like your jokes, Am�lie. - I swear, it's true.

Do you know who's the thief?

I recognize British boldness. The great train robbery.

Not at all. It's last night's Excellency .

His Excellency? - Yes, Baron C�sar.

He's back. I discovered all but he doesn't know that I know.

A hoodlum under my roof, that's the last straw! It's okay to steal but he could do his dirty thieving elsewhere.

I'll go to the police immediately!

What's going on?

The Macon bank heist money is under our roof with Baron C�sar!

I've made my decision.

Maybe it's a test from God.

He's with us, you're sure? - I've told you twice.

We keep the dough!

It's plain crazy!

I'm more and more certain it's a sign from God.

The money is under my roof and the roof can profit.

Georges, get ready to order a contractor.

And you think C�sar will agree?

If he points his gun at me, I'll hit him one and...

Bam!

What do you mean by "Bam"? - I'll kill him.

A man like him? - I said Bam!

OK, mom, but gently...

Of course. Poison, saber, shotgun... There's plenty of choice.

Murder. - An act of self-defense.

He's threatening me? Well, we'll see who's the smart one. Let's go, children.

And let's be offhand, right?

And Jeanne? - Forget her. She's too sensitive.

Stay here, carry on, it's nothing.

They're bored and they shove off. Let's do the same.

All doors escape you, even heaven's door.

Let us pray.

It's too late, children. We're done for!

The police beat us to it! - They scent these things.

Let's go.

Ah, Inspector! I was certain. He seemed so suspicious from the start.

Who? - The thief, the hoodlum, where is he?

I was going to ask you.

So, you haven't caught him yet? A moment, please.

Even the petanque bowls have lost the quality they once had.

I don't dare lob anymore, I've split two in six months.

Where is he? - Who?

Our friend, Baron C�sar.

You mean that guy wearing a carnation in the morning...

By the way, he stole one in the clump. - I don't care.

Where on earth is he? - Down there.

My binoculars.

Excuse me.

I left something on the stove. Sorry.

The poor guy's coming back...

straight into the lion's den.

You don't smell something burning?

Yes!

Come on, Diane.

You must hold C�sar by hook or by crook.

You're serious? - Yes, yes.

And don't be afraid. Georges is watching.

Keep watching.

So, what's the matter?

We've lifted the heist car from the pool with two corpses inside.

Well done! - As you say.

Alas, there's one man missing.

The leader.

A fanatic who has already made our life difficult in the past.

10, 11, 12...

That's it. Now to wait till tonight.

Well...

So, you're back... - Really!

I walked through here a second ago. You were there?

Yes, I was probably sleeping.

You were sleeping? Well, carry on then. Have a good nap.

What's up? - An ant!

An ant? Where? - There.

An ant? - On my back.

It must be a big one. - Indeed.

Where is it? - Lower.

Lower? - Lower. - Lower?

Lower. - Oh, the mischievous little ant!

And he left with the heist money.

You must catch him. - We will, sooner or later. Roads are blocked.

He's still in the area. - What are you doing here then?

In fact. We found this bill of yours in the glove compartment.

Irrefutable proof that he was in your hotel last night.

I'm trying to tell you.

It was all over his face. Pockmarked, sneaky eyes, a nasty air...

So, why didn't you tell this to our policemen earlier today?

Sorry? - Why did you lie this morning?

Me? - Sorry to interrupt, Inspector...

It's not the Marchioness, but the Baroness who lied to us.

Am�lie?

Am�lie lied to you?

You dared lie to a policeman? - Me?

Yes, you. - No, grandmother.

Baroness, you told me two hours ago...

you'd not seen these three men,

the fat, fair one, the little, dark one and the swarthy one aged 45.

It's the last one we're missing. - Stand up.

Look at me.

So, you didn't see him?

Little strumpet! You're hiding him! I'm sure of it!

I think I get the picture, Inspector. I know that kind of seducer.

Carnation in buttonhole, thin mustache. And you end up in Caracas.

We raise our girls much too strictly.

And their communicant soul grows into the body of a Messaline. As you see.

Come on, spill it, where is he? - I don't know. I swear, grandma.

Don't call me grandma!

As head-strong as me. She won't say anything.

I swear, he left and asked me to keep mum.

I don't know where he is. I swear on your head, grandma!

Go to your room. You'll hear from me later!

Grandma! What were we saying?

You must find this scoundrel. Search every room, come on!

But you know... - No! No lecher lurking in my corridors!

Good girl!

Georges, you have a stunning wife!

Anyway, dear Lady, rest assured, I'll double security around the castle.

I'm sure, he's far away now. And I didn't expect to make friends with a vice Inspector.

My respects, dear Lady.

So? - Too late, I believe.

Good heavens!

The bell! - What bell? What now?

Lunch. - What lunch?

Help me! - I'm more used to unfastening dresses.

Be patient, please. - I can't be patient, I'm boiling.

Tonight. - Why tonight? We had a good time here!

Tonight, always tonight.

Perfect. Georges.

Prepare the pre-lunch drinks.

Where are the insecticides? - Under the greenhouse shelves. Why?

You ask why? Police can come back.

C�sar mustn't fall into their hands. Neither him nor his loot.

We made our decision at mass.

Careful, it's the most dangerous.

Even better. Let's say twelve spoonfuls.

There's enough to kill an ox. - He's a sturdy man, you saw him.

I'll slip it in the croquette. He won't feel a thing.

Well, well, Baron C�sar...

and my little Diane. You two seem to get along well together.

Dear Marchioness, your house is a maze of delights.

Why always carry this briefcase? Diane, take it to his room.

No, thanks. It contains some memories dearer than life itself.

But I have a safe! - What's this?

A safe? - Indeed, a safe.

How funny you are!

Yes, this way.

It's a very old safe.

My late husband, the Marquess, liked it very much.

Here.

Very good.

The poor dear, he suffered so much.

But it's a very good safe.

You don't trust me? - Please, lady.

It smells good over there. - You think so?

Oh, the mignonette!

Very little, huh? No matter. It's all in the presentation.

The eternal struggle between form and substance. You'll see.

I have the feeling that you're a master chef.

Stoves are my cradle. I started my career preparing sauces.

I mean... the British way.

The toughest jobs, the finest studies.

"Time is money".

A cucumber crown. And two candy apples...

to keep them company.

Here.

Look at this throne.

How majestic!

And that's why the kitchen is my domain.

Amongst other places.

And now the flamb� icing.

Remember this, the success is in the icing.

And spices? - Of a sort...

Of course, of course. My own recipe.

Delicate operation.

Well, I've lost my touch.

God bless, there's some left.

We'll put some in the coffee. I've lost a battle but not the war.

Morale and tactic.

Our first strike was a failure.

I launch the second with full artillery.

Georges, which do you prefer?

Richard Wagner or The Beatles?

I've enough trouble with the paving. Are you sure poison isn't enough?

Two precautions are better than one. To sum up.

Downstairs we play poker. Here you put on Wagner.

Downstairs I'm annoyed, hit the ceiling with a broomstick. And you let go.

Crash! I'm going down for a rehearsal.

I hear you, mother.

Hi, Charlie. - Hi, Count.

That's life. Filling holes again.

Me too, I've a hole in my trousers and came here to stitch it.

Georges!

I hear you, mother.

But Charlie is here with me.

In Am�lie's room?

Yes, he has to stitch his pants.

And Am�lie?

Just a second. I'll call her.

Am�lie, come here at once and sew Charlie's pants!

I come to your room and find your father with no pants on.

Dad has no pants? - No! Me!

Stop harassing our friend. Go have fun somewhere else, both of you.

Come on.

Have you met women from the Islands?

English women are remarkable. - No, I mean...

from remote Islands.

Ah, the remote Isles...

As soon as they're three years old they're initiated to entertain us.

They have a law or a custom, call it what you will: To serve man.

Then, at twelve, they're in full possession of their assets and...

our bodies sing along on every side.

And when they get to our age?

That's when our old Europe takes up the torch.

So, you think it's never too late? - Never.

But our wrinkles? - Simply touching.

They're the signs of your pains and our pleasures.

Ladies, ladies...

How you must have suffered.

It's your turn, Mr. Patin. - You can see I'm under the bell.

When you're under the bell, you can't carry on at this game.

What's he telling them?

What can you tell with an accent like that?

"The Island woman is a ukulele.

The European woman is a guitar.

Your mystery is in your curves, you are the modulation,

the ideal instrument."

And women listen this rubbish. What a shame! How pitiful!

But why?

It was so beautiful, so poetic.

You moved me, Patin. "Mystery... is in the curves"

I'll use this.

And our coffee? Did you forget us?

It's coming, it's coming!

Don't mix them up, huh? It's this one.

No, that. - I know how it's stressful, when you're not used to it.

Yes, it's that one. Come on, don't tremble like this.

Are you sure he won't suffer?

Oh no, he'll be knocked out first. - Then what's the point?

Just protecting my rear.

Are you interested in a poker game?

Poker?

You know, me and poker...

but if these ladies will allow... - Yes, of course.

Good. Miss Jeanne, will you join us?

It's tempting but I can't play. - Not even to please me?

I don't know anything about money.

Alright. Where are our partners then?

If you're not afraid of a tough game...

I'm your man. - Dear friend, let's go.

I'll keep you company, Miss Jeanne.

You don't play? - Juggling with money is not my style.

We already have so much time to think of important matters. Think that...

It's starting to get cold. I'm going inside.

Listen, you will serve coffee in the salon.

As soon as they start playing.

At last, our coffee!

You play stud or not? - You know, me and poker are not...

No, no, get up you two! I'm very superstitious so I'll choose your seats.

You here and you here.

That's it.

No, I'm wrong!

I'll try again...

You here, like this. - And me here.

No, you don't move.

Don't move.

A game of Titans. - And, of course, we don't play for peanuts...

How much at stake? - 50.000?

100.00?

Let's say 150.000. I'll sign a check.

I have my chips here.

150 is a little heavy...

but I'm in. But it's heavy.

Seven of spades is missing.

Oh, this music!

I'll raise 5. - I'll raise 10.

This horrible music!

Cards. - Three cards.

Three cards. - Dealt.

How nice of you!

Sorry.

Come on. Don't quiver, my darling.

Your cup.

Not now. Sorry.

10.000.

Plus 10. - I fold.

50. - I'll see.

Don't bother.

Wait a sec, little Marchioness. Gallantry and poker are two different things. Can I see?

Two sevens for you. Two pairs for me.

It's always like this in Poker.

What's up?

There, a rat!

A rat? Where? - Under the bed. - If only I had a stick.

Come on, stay seated, you're fine where you are.

This damn music!

A rat is not the end of the world!

No big deal. Rats are intelligent and harmless little beasts.

I had a close call!

Always showing off...

Here, Diane, George!

A saw, a ladder, ropes, a pulley.

It worked? - No, it was a disaster

Charlie! Come on, stop annoying the Baroness, come out!

Yes, a disaster...

Your mum and dad brought the chandelier down on the playboy.

My God!

Be reassured, he's safe, he spat out the coffee.

But all things come in threes.

I must say that my new plan is foolproof.

Listen, you Diane...

It's you. Not playing hide and seek?

And you? - You know, there's always work to do in a house like this.

That's the swell part. You must be happy. I'd love to stay here.

Excuse me but...

who's "it"? - C�sar is "it".

No, sorry, he's not. He was until he caught me, but now I'm "it".

If I touch your lovely wife for instance, she'll be "it".

We can't have two "its".

Hey! Wait for me!

Stop! It's not fair! Who's "it"?

I couldn't wait to be with you!

Am�lie!

Why Am�lie? What's up with Am�lie again?

Hurry please. We must put an end to this.

I do my best. I looked for him everywhere. Where is he?

Behind there.

Don't cry, mom.

I'll do it.

Catch me if you can!

Come on, follow me!

That's it. He plummeted like a stone.

So?

It feels so odd. - He cracked like a nut.

Georges, your roof is saved.

Ah, there you are! But who's "it", in the end?

What a heartless man! - What a brute!

Don't cry, mom.

Aren't we playing anymore? - There's no more "it".

I can't keep myself wondering, there were two 'its" five minutes ago and now you inflict upon me the news that there's none.

It's over, you can leave now.

Please, I don't understand, where do you want me to go?

Oh, clear off!

What new kind of game is this?

Your car broke down, I came to your aid...

but now your car is repaired. So, hit the road!

Help!

Girls!

I was beginning to find him sympathetic, this big brute of a C�sar.

Any longer and we couldn't have got rid of him.

The bitter side of success.

Poor C�sar.

You forgot, he had the key on him. - My God, the key! It's true.

Ah, the key...

Charlie will open the safe with his drill. Go ask him.

And tell him to bring back our clients' repaired cars.

What would they do without me?

Kiss me. - I got the drill.

Kiss me. - For the drill?

No, for you.

Just for me? - Yes, I swear.

Thank you.

So, now you say thanks? - Yes, for the drill.

Cookie.

You don't want to leave?

Are we leaving? - Let's go then.

Come then. - They sound like they're in love.

Who? - The frogs.

And you, are you in love? - Yes.

But I don't know with whom.

Come, let's go.

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming....

They're beautiful!

Who? - The frogs.

I think they're in love. - Really?

Love...

May I make a confession? - Certainly.

You're successful with women?

Of course.

Not me.

You've met Jeanne, the young woman playing the piano.

I've wished to court her for many years.

I wanted to start tonight...

but she looks elsewhere.

In love with who knows who?

You'd like to make everything explode in my place, wouldn't you?

And it will one day.

Besides, up there...

the stars are shining bright...

but then one day...

they'll explode, just like bubbles.

A real pessimist.

I'm a realist. - You're wrong.

Me, I'm a success. Money... women.

Even an unexpected week-end in this hellhole.

Learn that lesson!

So long, sir.

I'm leaving. - Good luck, my friend.

Cookie! - Screw you!

Good bye, Madame.

Your cars are ready.

Where are the Norwegians? - Swimming. - They're tireless. Listen to them.

It's over. Cars repaired. Off you go.

It's rather late and the children get so excited. I'll never forget this week-end.

See you very soon, I hope. - We'll certainly come back.

Say hello to Cesar for me.

Good bye, Mr. Georges.

And say so long to Miss Jeanne.

It will be done. Certainly.

Now, my children, to work!

You're sure you lost the key? - Completely.

It's urgent? What's inside? - For once we ask you a little favor...

Right.

It won't be a piece of cake.

Good bye, so long.

Bye, honeys.

Good bye.

Ok, I'll pass this to her. Don't worry.

Have a good trip, Norwegians!

It's impossible.

That's because I met it head on.

With a safe, one must always take it from behind.

How do you want me to turn it? - But it's us who'll turn!

To the next room.

Let's go.

Dig here.

Charlie, you're undoubtedly a good-for-nothing.

Anyway...

your safe is open now.

It's empty. - Where's the briefcase?

Goddamnit! Goddamnit!

I thought you'd left without saying goodbye.

I was a little angry with you.

I see no one. Has everyone left?

People come and go, that's our house.

I wanted to pay my respects to the Marchioness.

I really don't know where she is.

It's decided, I'll sell the castle, get rid of this ruin...

and I'll buy a caf�. Georges, you'll be the bartender.

Can you see me serving Picon-Menthe and espressos? Your mother is dreaming again.

And Jeanne playing in the smoky cellar

of a raffish bar with only Lebanese on call as customers?

Perfectly. I'll tell her at once.

Mom! - C�sar.

He's alive.

Then let's say that I speak to myself. Let's say I've finally found a peaceful place in this world, and it's here.

You?

You who has seen everything, who knows all?

Asia, America...

Nothing, I've seen nothing...

or so little.

I'm a nothing.

There's no more Baron than America. Jeanne, I'm a crook. A scoundrel.

I move on from trafficking to wasting money, from country border to crummy hotel,

carrying fortunes that make me shiver.

Then why do all this?

I could say a difficult childhood,

deplorable friendships, a drunken father or some other bogus story. But...

it's not true.

My father was very kind.

Quiet and serene, placid.

No, I'm the black sheep of the family.

I think I knew the answer.

But I really don't care.

And then... I ask nothing from you.

I know.

Because you are selflessness itself.

And sweetness incarnate. Everything that I am not.

Yet, in this house where everyone comes and goes,

how many men have you met?

Me? Not one, never.

Except you. - Oh, Jeanne...

Let's be offhand.

We'll come across them in the hall.

Granny?

Granny, C�sar is staying here.

Love triumphs! I never thought of that.

My dear C�sar...

This is your home now. - Take off your wet clothes. - You'll catch a cold.

I'll give you a little garment. - That's it. A little garment.

You'll see how sweet life is here.

And then, my dear C�sar, you'll experience true voluptuousness...

which is to do absolutely nothing at all.

Grass has a strong smell.

We'll have a splendid night.

Three months later

Going to the market every morning at four, I'm fed up.

Wonderful! Me, I switch on the ovens at three. You didn't forget the parsley?

I bought 17 kilos. I'm going to Lyon to get the oysters.

C�sar, the lady bosses are asking for you.

Coming. A spoonful of Brandy. Make it live, make it sparkle!

I'm coming, my boy.

You alright, Georges?

I'm alright.

C�sar, you didn't forget my ribbons?

Ribbons for your flowers. Of course, it's done, granny.

Did you call my hair-dresser? - He'll come tomorrow morning, Diane.

Did you polish my ankle boots?

Of course, my little Am�lie. - Can you turn the page for me, C�sar?

Mr. C�sar. Someone asks for you.

I'm leaving...

He's tireless.

What a devil! - What a master chef!

But you know...

I'm wondering suddenly...What does it mean "pulling the devil by the tail"?

END