Original subtitles

Happy birthday, Dad. Let's keep this simple.

I like me bubble and squeak in the morning, football in the afternoon.

In the evening I do the big bonfire in the garden.

That's me birthday.

Think this year might be a little bit more exciting than that.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that at present-giving time? Go and get the door, Teddy.

Have it on your toes, boy. Quick as you can, lad.

This better not be one of your surprises.

Oh, no, no, no. You'd know if it was one of my surprises.

Happy birthday, Big Gal! What you doing here?

I just popped round to give my governor his birthday present.

No, you haven't. Yes, I have. No, you haven't. Yes, I have!

Cos I'm the governor now that Dad's retired.

So you just do yourself what you got planned and then be on your way.

Jesus Christ, are these Callaways?

That's about three grands' worth there. William, you are a sweet boy.

That is a ridiculous present to buy someone else's dad.

They're a perfect fit, mate.

I can't believe it. Come here. Oh, well.

You kept me out of trouble for 25 years. The least I can do.

Open Little Gary's present now.

Well, it's just a little something, you know,

I'm not trying to buy your love and affection.

That's really thoughtful, Gary.

You needed a new golf glove, didn't you?

Yeah. No. Great. It's not just a golf glove, you see -

if you look within the glove, there's a little surprise.

Now that is clever. Innit? I said that.

It's like the glove is acting as an envelope for, like,

the proper pressie. Now, I like that. A voucher.

For what? For THE best indoor mini golf course in the world.

Everything there is electrical, like it's all done on computers and such.

Like it would be in America. Already been up there, have you? No, no, no,

no, no, no. Someone down the pub was telling me about it.

It's supposed to be incredible and that's what we're doing today.

It's my treat and then we're going to go for some grub

at Burger and Lobster. Burger and Lobster?

Yeah, yeah, it's a new fancy restaurant up west

where you can have either a burger or a lobster.

That's all they got on the menu? That's a bit limited, innit?

Well, that's just what it is. What if you want something else,

like liver and bacon? Well, no, you... You can't do that.

It's what they call a concept restaurant. Gimmicky.

You mean you've actually gone and booked a table without conferring?

That's the thing, Mum, that is the thing.

You can't actually book a table.

You can't book a table? No, no, that's all part of the experience.

What, standing up, starving hungry, watching other people eat,

enjoying themselves? I don't really like lobster.

Don't give a double toss what you like, mate, at all.

That is nothing that I care about.

You're not coming. Listen, Winkle's coming.

Right... OK.

OK, Winkle CAN come.

Yep, so it's a family day out with the added addition of that.

And let me tell you, mate,

you ain't playing golf or doing any of the good stuff.

You can use the facilities but you're very much there just in body.

I don't want to hear a peep out you all day, OK?

King fire

King fire.

Hello, sir. Gary. Who's signing in?

Name is King within the booking system.

And also, er, my father has insisted on bringing his own clubs.

Can you tell him that's not allowed, please?

Yeah, it's fine, Gary. A lot of people do it for fun.

Gary? I thought you'd never been her before.

No. No, no, I haven't. This humble gentleman has probably seen

my name on the screen here and he is being... He's being courteous

and chosen, although without permission,

to call me as such.

You may call me Gary from now on. Why are you talking like that, Gary?

Huh? What?

Are you all right, Gary? Yeah, fine, thank you.

All right, I've set you and the family up in the VIP section, yeah?

Your favourite. Er, yes. Sounds fantastic, thank you.

This is all making sense now.

You haven't been practising up here, have you, Gary? No, no, no, no, no.

A likely tale. You know where everything is, Gary. Little Gary.

You all right, mate? Big Gal.

All right, mate? Oh.

You've shoe-horned into that.

It's a bit tight, mate. I can see your pulse.

You smuggling peanuts? Not in front of my boy, please, John.

I'll make it right.

You smell nice, John. Oh, what's she after?

Nah. Got a little bit of Tom Ford on. Here. Oh, yeah? Go on.

Oh, yeah, nice. You up here on your lonesome, are ya?

Nah, nah. I got a date.

Some Russian moll I met on Bumble.

She's an absolute rocket. I'm just going to get a beer in,

drop of the Dutch courage. Does anyone want anything? No!

I'm getting Big Gal's first birthday drink. I insist.

Horrible little creep. Yeah, you tell me about it.

Coming here with those clubs, just rubbing it in my face.

I tell you what, he is grinding my gears today.

I'm talking about John.

What? Johnny's all right. John's well all right.

He's salt of the Earth, he's a good man.

Is he? Is he really, though? Cos last night I heard he's been having

a roll about with my mate Jill Corn from the council.

And now he's here with some other tart? It's disgraceful.

Disgusting, actually, is what it is. Come on, we'll sit this one out.

I need hair of the dog. Yeah, get a drink and I'll... Yeah.

All right, Pinocchio? I've got your number.

Bring it on. Fine, let's do this. Yes.

18 quid for three beers! What an absolute joke!

Mate, I'm actually going through my brain concentration at the moment

so keep it down, if you could. I hate places like this!

Well, that's good cos you're not supposed to be here,

so just enjoy it, yeah? OK.

Visualise...your reality.

Visualise your reality. Visualise your reality.

OK, you got this, Gal.

Your feet are too close together.

What? Is that your grip?

You look like you're holding a snake. Ha!

Like a python or something. Don't piggyback other people's jokes.

That's actually pathetic, so...

Yes! Yes!

Fluke. What? Fluke?

Mate, if that's a fluke, all sport in the world is a fluke.

That is skilling. That is a lot of skill and that is good golfing.

Have you finished? Yeah.

Got your ball, Big Gal. Cheers, Winkle.

What club you after, Big Gal? Er...just a putter, please, Winkle.

Play it safe, Big Gal.

Don't worry about the green thing. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Two-shot. All. Day. Long.

Oh! Great play, Gal! Absolutely superb, mate!

Two par, so that's all right.

Early lead, son. Yours to lose. Whatever, mate. Whatever. So...

Please, take that as well. Do like Winkle does. OK?

Just carry my stuff like Winkle is.

Mm.

These are really good. I love lamb.

I like these side plates, do you? They're lovely, ain't they?

They're a little bit Anthropologie.

I love that place. They got grass on the walls in the shop.

I ain't half got the zig with Gary for taking Johnny's side above mine.

Love a little nicksy-pooch of these.

Lucky I brought my big handbag.

Look at him over there. Look, he's loving it.

She's laughing at all his jokes. Yeah, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

You don't know what he's really like, ya mug.

Get so much in here.

Got four champagne glasses the other week from the Shard.

And a flannel. Someone really should warn her, you know.

Yeah, I'm going to have to say something. It's my due diligence.

I gotta do it. Mind your nose.

It's none of your beeswax. You know me, I can't help myself, yeah?

Sisters before misters. He thinks he's some big old player?

Yeah, well, I'm going to learn him. These are lovely.

Might need a couple more to make a full set.

Are you done with those? Yeah, yeah.

SHE WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY

Bleedin' hell.

I'm going to say soft and hard on the ramp, Big Gal.

Give it some zip.

Think I should go for the bonus thing?

It's a risk.

Do I think you've got it in you? Course I do, Big Gal.

Guys, hurry it up, please. These conversations are getting longer

and longer. I'm going to say a minute max from now on.

You don't make the rules in here.

I'll take as long as I like. Yeah, have a day off.

What club you after, Big Gal? Just the putter, please, Winkle.

Oh, ho! Shot of the day!

Trevino's in the house!

Getting close. You're up, Pinocchio.

My wand, please, mate. My wand.

Dunno what to do here, Ted, mate.

Found myself in a bit of a conundrum. Just got the rebound.

I can't, in any good mind, not go for the Evel Knievel, son.

Fore!

THEY LAUGH

Right, right, right, slow down. What happens now, then?

I think I just drop it back into play.

No, no, no, boy. You gotta play it from there.

I can't play it from here! Don't you raise your voice at me.

Surely you start again from the tee. I can't start again at the tee!

The computer's already counted it! There's no going back now!

Well, that can't be right.

You might as well just drop it at the hole, ya cheat.

I don't know the protocol in this scenario!

Right, Winkle, you're neutral. Neutral? Don't make me laugh.

He ain't neutral. He's a schnide.

Teddy, mate, have it on your toes, mate. Go and get the manager

or an independent adjudicator what works here. Run, son. Run!

Personally, I think

you should knock the ball away from the hole to register another hit.

Yes. No. No-one cares what you think, mate.

Your opinion is worth nish. Nitto. Nilch. Manager, mate, it's me, Gary.

I've hit my ball, it's gone out of bounds. What do I do now?

Just drop it back in, Gary, mate. That's exactly what I did.

I thank you, I thank you.

Oh, come off it. To the next hole.

Do me a favour.

He seems very nice.

No, much older than he is in his pictures but the same guy.

SHE WHISTLES

Phone a friend?

I hope we go somewhere nicer. This looks like a bowling alley.

No, no, no, mini golf, babe. It's mini golf.

Oh. Nice nails.

I have to go.

Sorry to interrupt, I just thought I'd check in,

see how you was getting on.

Do you work here? There's no toilet paper in the second cubicle.

Do I look like I work here? Seriously, have a gander.

No, I've been watching ya.

Well, from afar I've been looking at you and...

Well, no. All right, I'm a friend. Well, not quite a friend.

I'm someone what knows John what you're with. Oh, you know John?

He's so lovely. Really? Yeah.

So you like him, yeah? He's very funny.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, funny looking. Have you noticed, right,

them teeth, they're, like, so big for his mouth?

Like a couple of old tombstones, yeah.

Yeah, he got them done cheap in Turkey.

They'll fall out in a couple of years, bless him.

Now, listen, er... woman-what's-on-date-with-John.

Sorry, don't know your name. Sacha. Listen, Sorsha, that man out there?

He's a love rat. Mm-hm.

He has been knocking about with so many birds round my manor...

But he seems very nice. He's a sex addict, he is.

A Lothario.

You all right, John? You got something on your nose. Oh.

Yeah, Den.

Cracking along very nicely, as it goes. Have you seen her?

She's gorgeous. You done with these tapas plates?

What you playing at?

Oh, well, you don't want these dirtying up your date, do you?

I'll clear 'em up for ya.

The food's only just arrived. We ain't started yet.

I was waiting for my little Sacha to get back. Sacha?

That's a nice name. Yeah. What's that, Russian?

Yeah, I believe so. She's from Minsk.

She's got a lovely voice.

Got a really good feeling about this.

Yeah? Think she likes you.

Thank you.

What am I supposed to say about this? Denise!

HE MOUTHS

METALLIC SQUEAKING

What club you after, Big Gal?

Just the putter, please, Winkle.

Not having much luck with that putter, Dad.

You might be better off hitting this one with a sledgehammer.

CHEERING

To the bar!

CHEERING

Get the bloody beers in!

Winkle, have a word, I need my focus here.

Oi, you lot, quieten down.

Big Gary's trying to tee off.

Who's Big Gary? You don't want to know!

OK, listen, mate... First, I'm not your mate!

Second, before you step to me and mine, have a think -

are you about that life?!

What life? Do you want a go, mate?!

If you want to go, we'll go! We'll go!

Winkle! Winkle!

Easy. Easy.

This is interesting.

What seems to have happened is the pressure has got to your grandfather

and Winkle over there, and they are about to melt.

Uh-huh. Wah-wah.

Unlucky, Dad.

Looks like a tricky old hole, that, Dad.

You got any advice for me, mate?

Yeah, try and stay away... Don't worry about it, actually.

I think I've got it. You ready, mate?

Get filming on this. And, uh, get a nice angle on me.

I want to look schvelt.

And like a moody, dramatic kind of filter, if you please.

Can I not have a go, Dad?

It's so boring doing the filming. Getting arm ache.

Teddy, doing the filming's THE most important thing of today.

You're documenting a valuable piece of King family history -

the day I finally best your grandfather.

Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Yes!

Eat it up! Eat it! Eat it with your dinner, mate!

Ahhhhhh, yes!

Yes! How does that feel? No, really, how's it feel inside ya?

Ha-ha! Boom!

Oh, waiter.

Miss?

Sacha! I'll get a plate. Leave it, Johnny.

Let it be. You what? What's going on?

You, mate.

You're a grade-A wrong 'un. What you on about?

Look, sorry to be blunt but I speak as I find you. Love me or hate me.

That's just me. Hold your horses, I ain't done nothing.

What have I done? "What have I done?" Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jill Corn.

Hm?

Well. Just that, really. Jill? What about her?

I thought you and her had a thing

but I hear you've been knocking about with some other bird,

filling her full of God knows what.

You, son, have been having your cake and eating it.

I mean, how many women are there, John? Eh? One, two, three? 100, eh?

I thought I knew you. Thought I liked ya but look at ya.

You're a disgraaaace!

No, you're coming at this all skew-whiff, Tel!

Yeah, I took Jill out a couple of times, you know, nice dinners,

walk in the park. Wine bar. We had a little reef about one night.

Since when she ain't been back to me.

She ain't answering my calls.

She's ghosted me.

Really? Cos, I mean, that's not what I've actually been assuming, John.

Straight up. All right? I liked her.

I've had it dog rough since Lisa left. She just left me.

She took my boys. The only interaction I've got with them

is watching them on the Facebook Live.

I'm living in a little halfway house by the rec.

The butcher's is on its haunches. That new Tesco Metro is killing me.

Sacha seemed like the one good thing what's happened to me in ages.

So, just to clarify, you haven't been having your cake and eating it?

I ain't had no cake, mate! Not a sniff, not a crumb!

Ah. SHE LAUGHS

OK, OK, I got...

Sorry to laugh, John, it's just I see what's happened here.

There has been a definite mix-up in communications, like, you know,

crossing of the wires. Of which I will definitely sort right now.

That's what I'm going to do for you, mate, I'm going

to sort this out, OK? You are welcome. Enjoy your chicken. OK?

Sashoo? Sashoo, wait!

What club you after, Big Gal? Just a putter, please, Winkle.

All hail Emperor Crazy Golf!

Gotta match the big man to win it now, Gal.

By my reckoning,

50 brings the draw. Any lower...you lose, pal.

HE SHRIEKS

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not having that. No way.

No way. Someone just clubbed my 'arris.

What now? Come on, boy. No. No. Someone just put a putter up my bum.

It's just the nerves getting to you. Have another try.

You don't understand. I can't just have another try.

This is super-human technology.

It's registered my strike so now I've just lost the game.

Well done, Big Gal. Very nicely played, mate.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You cheated. You actually cheated. It wasn't me.

Look, has anyone else see a putter

go anywhere near Little Gary's 'arris?

Don't believe ya. I don't believe you at all.

Hello! Hello! Need a manager over here on the final hole!

Manager, please! We need to start this whole game again!

Gary. Don't be a div.

Sorry, are you done with this hole?

My lovely darling, this is - there's a stewards enquiry on this one,

I'm afraid to say. Manager's on his way so just bear with.

Gary, this is getting really mucky.

Let's just wipe our mouths and call it a draw. No. No.

You cheated. What do you think the manager's going to do, Gary?

He'll get the CCTV and we'll see who putter-bummed me.

This is getting so desperate.

No-one else has seen this whole putter thing.

Oh, I know what happened here. You knew I was going to win

and you couldn't handle it so you went underhand. Shame on you.

Gary, that is well out of order on your father.

He is not a cheat.

Oh, you can shut up, ya melt.

You set up camp in his arsehole all day long.

Made yourself a little den up there. And you're so far up in the inside

you don't know what's happening on the outside.

If you did - which you don't - you'd see that everyone says you're

an embarrassment!

You little bum vole! You sphincter squirrel.

It's wrong, mate.

Why don't you go and get your own dad and stop trying to steal mine?

Are we OK to play now? Yeah.

Yeah. Crack on.

And all I can say is I HOPE

that that gentleman there does you the due diligence of letting you

play your hole without resorting to cheating. Nice one, Dad.

Come on, Teddy.

All right, Gal? Have you got a minute? What's going on, mate?

I'm having a nightmare here.

John, mate, I've just lost a very serious game of mini golf

to my dad's cheating, so... Sorry, mate, but I'm all at sea here.

John, I can't be having you at the moment, mate, I'm sorry.

Teddy!

He's had a really woeful time.

I mean, he's up there crying his eyes out.

I got him wrong, Sach, I got him wrong.

Crying? That's not really a good look for a man. A crying man?

My father has just stuck his putter up my 'arris.

I'm going to Burger and Lobster, babycakes, you coming, yeah?

No, babe, I'm going to have to stay here

and sort some things out I've really messed up. Give me half hour? Nah.

No. No, I need to cut loose now. I'm on the very edge of reason here.

OK, OK, OK. Well, listen, go and grab some food with Teddy

and that'll make you feel better, won't it?

I'm so sorry you've had to see me like this

but this is the worst day of my entire life.

Teddy, Ted, Ted, Ted.

Listen.

Why don't you give John another chance, eh?

Honestly, look at me, look into my eyes, right?

Now look into your heart. Now look back up at me

and you ask yourself, babe, are you ready to walk away from this?

He made a right show of himself. Of all of us.

As it stands, what he said about Big Gal,

don't think I can talk to him again. Was it that bad? He's a liability.

I knew this would be a disaster.

Sorry, um, can I have a word, please?

Is this about what happened on the ninth hole?

Sorry state of affairs.

As a family we're so humiliated and we can only apologise.

Sorry, no. Madam, can I have a look in your bag, please?

PLATES CLATTER

Denise, not again!

It's not on. This is like the garden centre all over again.

It's only a little nicksy-pooch.

You can dress it up with whatever cute little name you like -

it's still stealing. I told ya, no robbing when you're out with me!

Oh, come on, we've already paid for the food.

You ain't paid for the crockery an' all! I like them, Gary.

They're speckled. Look, I'm sorry, mate.

How much do you want?

Can you just say they're broken in the dishwasher or something?

It's me birthday today, do you know that?

Me son's a moron, me wife's a tea leaf. All I got's this chump.

He's got the brain of a rocking 'orse.

John. There's someone here who wants to say hello.

Hi.

Hey. We'll have a couple of cocktails, won't we, eh, Sach?

You owe me, mate. Big time.

HORN BLARES CONTINUOUSLY

Dad?

Are we going to Nan and Grandad's now?

HORN STOPS

I feel let down, Ted-boy. Very let down.

Feel kicked to the kerb, mate.

I think the worst thing, though, of all of this debacle,

is how will I ever be able to look at your grandfather

in the eye again,

knowing that of all the things what he could be in life,

he is a cheater? He's a cheater, son,

and there's nothing worse in life than a cheater, let me tell you now.

You know why? Cos a cheater can never change his spots. There.

It was me what stuck the club up your butt.

Why, Ted?

HORN HONKS Why, mate?

I mean, shiver my timbers, kid, why?!

Why...? What are you thinking?

Just thought it'd be funny.

Now I've ruined Grandad's birthday.

Oh, mate, it was...

It was definitely funny. I mean...

..it's actually all right that it is actually funny, in a way.

What you did was...funny. It's...

HE LAUGHS

Oh, now I get it. What a funny old...

That's a... That's a corker.

And well done as well for manning up and admitting to what you did.

Cos that takes cajones, my son, to admit to such a thing.

For that, you have my respect.

Look me in the eye. When we shake hands, eye contact.

Well done. Come on, let's go and get a bit of cake.

Come on, boy. Come on.

All right, boy?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was your lobster and your burger?

Couldn't get a table.

Turns out you do have to book, so, uh, just went to Pizza Hut instead.

Salad bar, stuffed crust? Yeah. All the above.

Still the best pizza in town, for my money.

Sorry about sticking that putter up your jacksie, son. That weren't on.

MUSIC: You Don't Love Me (No, No, No) by Dawn Penn

No, no, no

You don't love me and I know now

The people

The-the-the-the-the people

No, no, no

You don't love me

Yes, I know now

Yeah, the people

The-the-the-the-the people

The people

Cos you left me

Baby

And I got no place to go now...

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0