Original subtitles

- [WATER RUNNING] - Hey, we're out of soap.

Oh, okay.

- You know what's weird? - Hmm?

In the last eight years, I cannot even think of a time

when we ran out of soap.

I mean, is our house like the Hanukkah of soaps?

No, I'm just the miracle of soap

because I've been replacing it for eight years.

You know, I can totally do that.

Just tell me where to go and what to get.

I honestly appreciate the offer,

but it's easier for me to just do it

than to walk you through the steps of it.

Oh, thank you, because I just washed

my whole body with shampoo.

Oh, we're also out of toothpaste,

- so I'll get that, too. - Oh, no, we're not.

Oh, my God! Yes, we are!

You're amazing at this bathroom stuff.

Okay, real quick, without looking...

how many cotton balls do we have left?

Six.

You want to know how I knew that?

Uh, because you didn't grow up with cotton balls,

so you really value every cotton ball?

Um, cool backstory, but, no,

it's because I notice everything that needs to get done

before it needs to get done.

I'm the manager of the house by default.

Hey, I-I do stuff.

Yes, after I tell you.

You are one of the things I manage.

If you don't believe me, there are all these articles about it.

- It's called the mental load. - Ah.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Send me one of those articles.

Okay, see, me having to remember

to send you one of the articles

is an example of my mental load.

And if you Google it, you can figure it out.

And I know you can Google

because I've seen your search history...

"Flo from Progressive net worth?"

She doesn't even need to do those commercials anymore!

She just loves her art... and insurance.

? ?

This is so exciting.

I can't believe Friday's your first school play

and you got cast as Bob,

the cutest superhero-banana-princess-phone I know.

- I'm gonna go practice my dance. - Okay.

Yeah.

They should not let the kids pick their own costumes.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh!

Damn it. What's this giant box

doing in the center of the floor?

Oh, did you want me to fall over it so you could film it?

Ha ha! No dice!

Dave bought soap.

I'm a soap guy now!

Yep. I am the soap girl.

Soap girls have to unpack the soap,

find a place in the house for 200 bars of soap,

break down the box and recycle it,

and then buy more soap because you got the wrong kind.

What are you talking about? No, I didn't.

Uh, "Lumberjack Swagger"?

Yeah, it's supposed to release some of the pheromones.

Okay, see, this conversation counts

as a whole mental load for me.

Oh, I love "Barry Mental Load."

No, Deb, mental load...

it's the invisible work

that you do to keep the household running.

Eh, seems like a fake thing.

It's very real.

It's just that, in every marriage,

there's one person who always has to figure stuff out

and one who never has to.

Well, in my day, they called it "being a mother,"

and we didn't complain about it either.

- Davey? - Mm-hmm?

Davey, I know you're still talking about, uh, going mental,

but could you show me how to work this thing?

Yeah, I tried looking up the instructions online,

but every time I Googled "grinder,"

the results were a little surprising.

I will help you with the coffee, but for the last time,

please do not use Google without me in your presence.

Ohh. He's the best.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, Rebecca, you won the lotto with this one!

See that?

I know your mental load is real,

but I have my own mental load... my parents.

It's not the same.

Oh, it's not the same?

Have you ever tried to help my mom figure out

what actress she's thinking of?

She never knows if it's Laura Linney or Laura Dern,

but every single time, it's Demi Moore.

Okay, your parents may be difficult,

but you don't have to do that stuff.

This coming from the queen of doing things

she doesn't have to do.

I mean, you vacuum-seal our kids' winter wardrobe

so that it doesn't get attacked by moths.

And do we really have to call them moths?

We're so PC.

Can't they just be ugly butterflies?

Okay, see, the fact that you don't know what moths are

is a testament to my mental load.

Okay. Fine.

If your mental load is so tough, let's swap loads.

Really? You want this load?

- I want that load. - Okay, fine.

I will take your parents. Loads swapped.

But everything that pops up

on the family calendar, that's all you.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Done and done. - Cool.

- Quick "Q." - Mm-hmm.

Now, this family calendar that I check every day,

where would this be located?

It's an app that comes with your phone.

Here, I'm gonna turn on your notifications.

[PHONE CHIMING]

You hear that?

That's the sound of my nightmares.

Well, it doesn't have to be anymore,

because it's things that I have to do now.

- Yep. - Starting with "organizing the garage."

- Easy peasy. - Ugh.

Not really, because organizing the garage

is something you kind of have to do the right way,

or else it'll just cause more work.

Baby. Baby, baby, baby, baby.

Chill, chill, chill, chill.

- Okay. - Okay?

I got this. I got your piles.

- I got your load. - Okay.

Just please don't mess up my garage.

Okay, just please don't mess up my parents.

Yeah, I better be careful.

One misstep, and they could lose their home

and end up living with their kid.

? ?

What are you doing here?

This is my garage. What are you doing here?

I have to go to a dinner party tomorrow,

and I can't show up empty-handed.

Luckily, Rebecca stashes hostess gifts in here,

and because I'm a good person, I bring things... your things.

Well, I'm supposed to be organizing

the garage for Rebecca,

but all these piles everywhere,

it's insane.

Look at this stuff.

"Donate," "trash," "keep... important."

Pool noodles, regular noodles, Cups O Noodles.

This could be the perfect example

of how Rebecca makes life harder than it needs to be.

I don't know. I feel like she has a pretty good system.

[PHONE CHIMES]

[SIGHS] Man, I have to return a book to the library?

Could you please drop it off for me?

To the library?

I don't know the route to 1997.

Thanks, Joanna.

This has been even less helpful than usual.

Davey?

Can you help me find my wallet?

I... I think I left it at a restaurant.

Oh! Interesting.

You lose your wallet right when you owe me money.

Why would you ever borrow money from her?

Well, you weren't answering your phone.

- Dad? - Yeah?

Money by Monday,

or season two of "The Crown"... spoiled!

That can't happen!

Dad, the show is based on history.

It should've been spoiled for you in high school.

You know what? Just help me find my wallet.

Please, come on.

Okay. What restaurant were you last at with it?

The restaurant with the amazing tap water.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. You know what?

This is not my problem this week.

Rebecca and I have switched mental loads,

so why don't you go ask her for help?

I'm a mental load?

Ouch.

? ?

REBECCA: I know we're gonna find your wallet.

Okay, let's just retrace your steps.

Okay, fine. All right. So, we get here... boom...

stand here, marvel at the beautiful way

they incorporated all this beer-sponsored art.

Okay, I sanitized my hands... ba-boom.

You know, I think this is gonna be awhile,

so I'm gonna sit right over here,

and maybe they'll bring me some free crunchies

and avocado sauce.

You mean chips and guacamole?

What'd I say?

Sat here... boom... I eat, I eat.

Okay, get up, I get into it with the busboy

about who's the best wartime president...

[CLEARS THROAT] McKinley... zuh.

Oh, God. You threw your wallet away?

Ugh. It looks that way.

Oh, I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but, uh,

I think we're gonna need the rubber gloves.

- Oh, here I come. - What do you mean,

the rubber gloves?

You've done this before?

Here. Let us know what you find.

? ?

I really thought we'd find your wallet in the trash.

Oh, we did find Eric Dougherty's,

so it's not a total failure.

Oh, look, he's an organ donor. Heh. Not this guy.

I don't want some schmuck using these eyes to watch the Yankees.

Okay, Stew, we need to call and cancel

all of your credit cards and reorder new ones.

And my roadside-assistance card.

If whoever stole my wallet's car breaks down,

I want him stuck there... schmuck!

Somebody didn't steal it.

- You lost it. - And then they stole it,

or else we would've found it at the restaurant

with the amazing tap water.

Meanwhile, what's Stew supposed to do without his credit cards?

What if he needs his Seltzer?

- He gets so parched. - Thank you.

Well, I can set up Apple Pay or Venmo on your phone

so you can buy essentials on your own and stop relying on us.

See, this is Dave's problem.

He does everything for you guys.

That's why he's so overwhelmed.

Well, I could think of another reason.

Okay, Stew, hand me your phone.

Oh, if you're doing the phone, will you do mine, too?

Find all my subscriptions and cancel them.

Okay. Debbie, what's your password?

Uh, oh, well, it's either Dave's birthday,

my birthday, my old Brooklyn address with a typo in it, or...

oh, there's just so many of them,

and it's all so random.

You know what?

Let me know when you figure it out.

? ?

[PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, my God. I got to prepare dinner already?

I'm not even halfway through the garage.

Tried taking all of this stuff to the donate center,

but they wouldn't take any of it.

Oh, those donation centers are way too picky.

That's why, when you kids were small,

I just dumped everything on the side of the road.

I'm sorry... did you just say you dumped all your trash

on the side of the road?

Yeah. That's what people do.

That's why you see all the time all those candles and flowers

and picture frames along the highway.

No, Ma, those... those are memorials

for people killed in car accidents.

[GASPS]

Oy vey!

Why don't they put up a sign, let a person know?

[PHONE CHIMES]

[EXHALES, GROANS]

"Remember to get the kids flu shots and look into possible

vacation destinations 2021 'question mark'"?

- I'm never gonna finish all this. - Can I help you?

No. No.

I cannot let you take on any of my mental load.

Although...

maybe that's Rebecca's problem, you know?

She doesn't delegate.

Yes, delegating is a form of true leadership.

Yes, you're right. Okay.

So I will go handle this, which I am more than capable of,

and you can, uh, help me organize the garage.

Wait a minute. I think that I would be better

with planning the vacation.

I could be very creative with the right AmEx.

Me and Daddy took two weeks.

We went to South Africa.

We came back changed!

You came back broke.

? ?

That's good. One...

Uh, yes, Stew?

I'm in the middle of helping Asher memorize his lines.

- I'm a star! - Hey!

I know you are!

Uh, Rebecca, I'm having a Venmo emergency.

Dad, where's my 50 bucks?

'Cause I was just thinking of season two of "The Crown,"

when the British Treasury...

Oh, no, pl... You'll get your money!

I just need to learn how to use Venmo.

Come here. You just type her name in there.

- No, no, you do it. You do it. - No, no, please... I can't!

You got to learn to take care of yourself.

Oy. All right. Here we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Okay.

And $50 for Joanna.

And... send.

Did you get it?

Nope. Hmm.

I'm thinking about when a fog rolled in...

- Aw, come on, come on! Please just do it. - Oh, dear Lord.

Gimme the phone.

Oh, my God.

You just sent her $5,000!

What?! I love today!

Joanna, you owe me $4,950.

Money by Monday.

Nope. I didn't get it.

- Oh, no. - What?

Stew, you just sent a random person $5,000.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, that's... It doesn't say Joanna Klein.

It says "Joyce Basilone."

No idea who she is, but fantastic teeth.

Come on. Can't you just press the "undo" button?

No, there's not an "undo" button!

Can we just keep this between the three of us?

And Joyce, can you message her?

Did you do all of this in the last two hours?

- I'm so good. - [CHUCKLES]

Well, not me, technically.

I hired Dee Rosenthal's two guys to haul everything away.

I delegated. I'm so good.

Wait.

But what happened to all of Rebecca's "keep" stuff

like the "seasonal... keep" and the "important... keep"?

David, you told me to organize the garage,

and that's what I did.

Mom, this is a problem.

I mean, that stuff said "keep... important,"

and now it's gone forever.

Look, maybe it wasn't so important.

You know how dramatic Rebecca can be.

Mom, what happened to all of her stuff?

I don't know!

Dee Rosenthal's guys are very...

shifty.

Well, then thank you for inviting them

to the place where my children live!

Oh, calm down. You're getting all wound up.

Let me just call Dee.

She'll handle it in a minute.

Hi. It's Deb.

[CHUCKLES] Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, thanks.

She's in surgery.

? ?

Ugh.

- Oh. [CLEARS THROAT] - Hey!

- Hey. - Hey, what ya doing?

Oh, just playing this trivia game on my phone.

- Oh. - Ah.

"What is Venmo's refund policy?"

That's a random question.

I actually know that one.

There is no refund policy.

Yeah, my mom one time tried to Venmo someone $10

and instead Venmo'd them $20,

and let me tell you, it was a disaster!

That's why I took Venmo off their phones.

Cool. Top score!

Anyway, as far as the garage goes, everything is going great.

One thing... um, that pile labeled

"keep... important," you know, what is that?

Is it my birthday gift? If it is, cough once,

and I promise I won't ruin the surprise.

Oh, I'm so excited.

It's Asher's costume for the school play.

I couldn't label it "costume," because he can read now.

His kindergarten teacher really screwed us.

Yeah! Yeah, she did. Ha!

And that terrible kid-written play is the one

where Asher plays the character

whose costume can be found at the mall?

Uh, I'm pretty sure they don't have

superhero-banana-princess-phone costumes at the mall.

Right, yeah. Right.

Target? Costco? CVS? Anything? No?

No!

? ?

What is wrong with you?

You are so bad at life.

Why would you ever ask Mom for help?

She thinks the recycling bin is for blue trash only.

I wanted to prove to Rebecca that her mental load

wasn't that stressful, but then I got stressed out doing it

because, honestly, it's a little stressful.

What's the best lie you could think of right now?

"You're gonna be fine"?

Crap!

There's no superhero-princess-banana-phone costume

available for next-day shipping.

Really?

Shocking.

You think anyone will notice if I just threw him out there

in his pajamas?

Who am I kidding?

Dee Rosenthal's guys threw those out, too.

How's she doing? I heard she's in surgery.

Still no word.

What am I supposed to do, just make the costume myself

out of fabric and glue and googly eyes?

You mean like how Rebecca did it?

Yeah, that's exactly what you're supposed to do.

[PHONE CHIMES]

"Don't forget to return book to the library."

You see the bind you put me in?!

You could've just dropped the book off!

I had work.

? ?

Damn it, Joyce.

Joyce, I can't hear you.

Well, can you leave the luau for just a minute?!

Please, my father-in-law

is in no position to send you $5,000!

Why are you laughing?

Joyce? Joyce?

Damn it, Joyce!

[SIGHS]

What...

Ow! Damn it!

Princess-banana-phone!

Dave?

Uh, yeah, Ravi, I do think that that house is a good one to flip

and we will make a bunch of cash.

Uh, roger, roger. Love you.

Gonna hang up that toy phone?

I can't.

I hot-glued it to my face.

It's okay. It's okay.

- It's okay. - Are you sure?

It happens to everyone.

- Really? - No.

Ow! My sideburn!

What are you doing gluing things at 2:00 in the morning, anyway?

Wait. Where are all my piles?

- [CHUCKLES] - [GASPS]

Funny story.

You know, um, my mom's distant friend

Dee Rosenthal that you've never met

and who died earlier today in surgery?

- No. - Anyway, it's her fault.

I asked my mom to help me clean out the garage,

and she called Dee Rosenthal,

who has guys who threw everything out,

including Asher's costume.

Keep in mind... this was the last phone call

Dee Rosenthal ever made.

You lost Asher's costume?!

I can't believe you.

How do you know how to do it all?

I don't.

No one tells me what to do or how to do things.

I just figure it out myself because someone has to.

I'm human garbage, I know.

But I'm gonna make the costume,

and I'm gonna get us more winter jackets

even if it takes me all year.

But we don't have all year.

Winter is coming!

I know, and I failed,

and you probably handled my parents no problem.

Okay, well, you made a mistake. It happens.

I'm so lucky.

- Seriously. - Oh, hey.

You know, here I am screwing up

all over the place, left and right,

and you're just being so understanding.

Wait.

Why are you being so understanding?

[SIGHS] Okay, so,

you know how you have that dad who's bad with technology?

Yeah, I know how I have that dad.

Yeah. So... [SIGHS]

I put him in the perfect place to lose $5,000.

$5,000?

That's like three more months of them living with us!

I know. I'm sorry.

Your load is really hard.

I know.

And your load is even harder.

I mean...

you have to think about it every day for the last eight years,

and I've only had to think about my load

for, like, the last two months.

Aww. Thanks, sweetie.

Mwah.

Now, what do you say we take off this shirt...

- Yes. - ... and make it into a cape?

Perfect.

? ?

Where's my little star?

Grammy's got flowers for him.

Yeah, and I got him a fake Oscar at the mall.

But I lost it, so, Rebecca, will you help us retrace our steps?

I think we may have left it at Orange Julius.

Thanks for bringing these, Mom, but now I got to find a scissor,

cut the stems, recycle the plastic wrap,

dig a vase out of God knows where, fill it with water

and that flower powder,

get rid of the pollen and the dead petals

that fall throughout the week,

until eventually I have to throw out the flowers

because they stunk up the house, so thank you.

David... shut up!

I was just trying to be nice.

You're beginning to sound like Rebecca.

Yeah. He really does.

- Mm. - Hey!

I found my wallet!

It was in the burrito container!

Stew wins!

Stew wins.

? ?

So, after all that,

his superhero-banana-princess costume was just made up.

Yeah, I guess so.

He's so creative...

and so embarrassing.

I like that he stands out.

I don't think he looks any different.

Stew, take off your sunglasses.

Oh, Jesus, this is a nightmare.

Can you guys shut up? I'm trying to record this.

- We'll be quiet. - So sorry.

I was whispering.

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