All language subtitles for Fresh Off The Boat - 06x15 - Commencement.KILLERS.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Jessica, our son is
valedictorian of Harvard.

Crazy.

Louis, pipe down.

I gave you one rule for today, remember?

Don't talk in a wicked Boston accent

to order lobster chowder?

Okay, fine. Two rules.

And it's not crazy he's up there.

He's always shown signs of greatness.

Breakfast is served, suckas.

Boom. A literal food pyramid
made from all 10 food groups.

Frozen fish sticks form the base,

so give her a sec to
thaw before diving in.

- 10 food groups?
- Why is it moving?

I still can't believe you
got a 1500 on your SAT.

I still can't believe
you haven't told Mom yet.

Boys, think.

I'm a high-school junior
who doesn't listen well.

- Fair.
- Cautiously following.

I'll tell Mom my score

when I really need a
get-out-of-jail-free card,

like, for example, I'm in jail.

- Yeah.
- Eddie, clean up the mess

- you made in the kitchen.
- I got a 1500 on my SATs.

- What?!
- Wow.

Eddie, I can't believe it!

I did it.

- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -

You really got a 1500 on the SAT?

Yep. A 750 on the verbal and...

whatever's left in math.

Amazing. I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

See, Louis?

Me pushing Eddie all these
years is finally paying off.

Top-tier colleges are back in play.

The football teams get worse,

but the starting salaries skyrocket.

You did fill in the oval

letting schools get
your test scores, right?

I filled in every oval I saw...
you know, better my chances.

1500, ladies and germs.

1-5-0-0.

Well, I better clean my pyramid mess.

No, no, no. You stay.

You deserve to rest.

I'll do the dishes. What the heck.

Maybe I'll even
reconnect the dishwasher.

Was that a hug?

I've never seen your mother this happy.

That includes our wedding day,

but definitely not our wedding night.

We went for it.

Gross.

I don't trust this.

It's like when a stranger offers
you candy to get in their van.

I mean, you take it... free candy...

but it never ends well.

Please tell me you've never gotten in

a stranger's van before.

Eddie, your mom doesn't get
to experience pure joy often.

She refuses to watch "Police Academy",

doesn't "get dogs",
calls Weird Al a hack.

Let her have this.

Eddie, forget the kitchen.

We're going out to celebrate!

Cele-what? Girl, I got school.

Not today. School can wait.

Dibs on the first dishwasher load.

Man, I look like "Boyz
n the Hood" Ice Cube,

Asian-boy edition.

Dope.

Mother and oval-filling son.

This stays here.

I don't want your Ivy League roommates

drooling over your
mother's flawless skin.

I don't know about the Ivy League.

I do! That 1500 changed the game.

We need to update your life-chart.

Evan has dibs on president,

but we can Kennedy this thing,

and you could be his attorney general.

Emery can be the drunk
with the square head.

Oh, no.

Mom wrote "A Case of a Knife to
The Brain 2: The Second Knife"?

I'm penning my memoir.

I want to get my life story down

before things get
intense in high school.

It'll be way less intense
if you keep that to yourself.

I can't be America's
first Doctor-President

without publishing a memoir.

I even mocked up a cover.

I'll update the photo
when I'm old enough to run,

maybe grow some stubble
for the ladies...

crucial demo.

Cool.

I've outlined my next chapter...

"Evan Huang, HOA Vice President".

How do you think this guy went out?

Big-game hunter,

or stepped in front of
the wrong logging truck?

Pushing that much
girth around the woods?

Heart disease all day.

Hey!

Mom lifted her bumper-sticker ban.

She wants you to put this on
the Cattleman's delivery car.

Great.

That's what you want on
your bumper during rush hour.

Very rear-end-able.

You have a minute to talk?

Boss Talk or Dad Talk?

Dad Talk.

Okay.

It's me, Dad. What's up?

So, I've been thinking
a lot about college

ever since our UCLA trip.

- Great trip.
- Great trip,

but I don't think I
want a regular school.

I want to go to culinary school.

Culinary school?

- Like for cooking.
- I know what it means... sorta.

This is big, Eddie.

I know you're working at
the restaurant with me,

but I didn't realize you were
that passionate about this.

I didn't either, until it dawned on me

the thing I always get
excited about is food...

... creating it, cooking it, eating it.

I love food, Dad!

I love food, too, son.

I love food, too.

You're following in my footsteps.

Uh, my restaurant footsteps,

not my Cha Cha King of Taipei footsteps.

Ain't nobody following those.

Well, I'm glad you're
open to culinary school.

Ma won't be.

Yeah.

No way she had this on my life-chart.

Hey, why don't you make her a meal,

show her your stuff,

and then we can talk about
culinary school together?

Yeah, that'd be sick!

"Evan Huang for HOA Vice President:

One Deidre Heartbeat Away".

You said you worked as a mall elf

to "help my needy brothers"?

I worked as a mall elf to help you!

Uh, time out.

You read my memoir?

Please tell me you wore the
document gloves sitting next to it.

You stole my story. You lied!

I'm just giving readers
what they want... a hero.

Who cares about the details?

I do.

You can't be president if you lie.

It's un-American.

Calling the first Asian
President un-American?

Pretty racist.

This is amazing.

Your mom will have to
consider culinary school.

Each dish is inspired by her...

Anti-Hobo Stew, Chicken
a la Stephen King,

Aw Hell Gnocchi.

I was out at the mailbox,

and I saw Deidre in the window.

Dummy took 20 minutes
to notice my sweatshirt.

- What's all this?
- Oh, I made dinner for you.

Why?

Oh, you put a baby in
that redhead, didn't you?

- Jessica!
- Whoa!

No.

I just wanted to say thank you
for everything you've done for me.

Aww!

You got a 1500 and you cook.

You are going to make some
woman I choose a great husband.

So, Mom, I was hoping we could talk.

Sure.

What did you want to...

Eddie got a letter from Harvard.

I'll open it so you don't
cut your test fingers.

Okay with you? Great!

Aah!

"Dear Edwyn Huang,

we received your SAT scores

and want to schedule an interview

with one of our alumni"?

Ah!

Harvard wants to send
an alum here to my house

to interview Eddie, my son.

No chance they send Bill Gates, right?

Because I still can't get
the printer to do landscape.

I got to get moving. I got
to call Connie to gloat.

I got to redecorate the
house to Ivy League standards,

polish the fine china.

Fun fact... that's my bowling nickname.

Dad, I want to go to culinary school.

Do I really have to do this interview?

It'd just be a waste of time.

Not for your mom.

Ho, ho, ho!

Not a "yo mama" joke. Sorry.

Eddie, she's worked hard

your whole life to give
you this opportunity.

Just let her have this, and then
we can talk to her about culinary.

Fine. I'll do it... for her.

Good. And if, for whatever reason,

cooking school doesn't pan out...

Pan out. Nice.

... Harvard is not the worst backup.

Speak for yourself.

I ain't built for those
Pennsylvania winters.

No, Harvard is... Yeah.

- Aah!
- Ahh.

Pay up, Barbie.

Hey, why are you so
quiet there, Emory, huh?

Those freshman girls got your tongue?

Evan's writing a memoir,

and he's stealing
stories, making things up.

Well, he's just spinning yarns

like we used to do in
the Navy... harmless.

Not like those dirty Marines.

They're actual liars.

N... O-kay. You can g...

Emery, your brother's in eighth grade.

That's a tough time.

- He's probably just tooting his own horn.
- Yeah.

Maybe I am overreacting.

I'm glad you guys think it's okay

since you're all in his memoir, too.

- We are?
- Yeah?

Yeah. You should see how
he described Liza's birth.

Oh, Marvin! Where are the keys?

- This baby is coming!
- I can't find 'em!

Oh, this is all too much,
even for a Navy man.

Oh, no.

Ohh. I'm fainting.

Oh, who could blame you?

There's not a man alive who can
handle this kind of pressure.

I will deliver the baby.

Honey, give me two deep breaths.

1, 2...

There she is.

We'll call her Liza.

I had a 17-hour labor

with a rare diagonal
breach, no epidural,

and that nerd is trying
to take it away from me?

I warned Evan, but he didn't listen.

He's stubborn.

That's why he'll be a good politician.

He only cares about the votes.

And Navy men don't faint!

They pass out and hit the ground hard

with their pants off and
their shoes on, like men.

Why does our house
look like a Vermont B&B

inside a whaling ship?

I want Harvard to feel at
home for Eddie's interview.

- The theme is "New England Snoot".
- Smart.

Ma,

do I really have to wear all this?

I mean, look at me.

- I want to kick my ass.
- Eddie, you look great...

like a hip 1970s IBM executive.

Places. Places, everyone.

Afta-noon!

Hello. That wasn't creepy at all.

Andy Richter?

You know this intelligent man?

Oh, he's the co-host of "Late
Night with Conan O'Brien".

- The talk show?
- I understand zero of those words.

Yeah, it's a great job.

I sit on the couch and
laugh at Conan's jokes.

- Hey, me too.
- Alright, look, it's not that easy, okay?

I mean, there's... lights and stuff.

So, Andy, you're a Harvard alum?

Oh, God, no. My name is Andy. Come on.

No, but Conan is,

and sometimes he does
interviews for them,

and then he asks me to
do the interviews for him.

Mm. I like this Conan.

Eh, everybody does. He's Conan.

He's tall, he's handsome,
he signs my checks.

So, uh, can I get you anything?

Tea? Something to eat?

My "Simpsons" spec
script to give to Conan?

- Uh, no, it's alright. I'll just talk to Eddie.
- Okay.

And you know what? I will
have something to eat.

And drink.

Evan, thank you for
the block-party update.

My pleasure.

Gonna be a scorcher out
there, so sunscreen up, girls.

Up next are elections

for HOA Vice President.

Any nominations?

Uh, I nominate Emery Huang.

I accept.

For those who don't know
me, I'm a spelling-bee champ,

writing a memoir, and
love a tucked-in polo!

Those are my credentials.

Just giving people what they want.

It takes a lot of marbles

to sideswipe the guy
holding a wooden hammer.

Ooh!

Whoa, Eddie. You really nailed the SATs.

What was that like?

Tough. I filled in so many ovals,

I didn't have the strength
to zip up my pants for a week.

Well, zippers are complicated.

I think the Amish are ahead
of the curve on that one.

Oh, don't mind me.

Just taking Eddie's
cello to the conservatory.

Ooh! Cello... the man's violin.

Well, actually, I'm more of a beatboxer.

No kidding! Let 'Er rip.

♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam ♪

No, no, over here, ignore that now!

Eddie's telescope.

Houston, we have a genius.

Gosh, maybe it would be easier
if I just interviewed you.

Great idea.

Well, uh, Eddie, do
you have any questions

for me, for Conan, for Harvard?

Yes.

How hard will they make him work?

Eddie loves hard work.

- Huh?
- Huh.

Well, he didn't at first.

I've always had to push him to succeed.

Eddie, focus!

Aah! Where's my bed?!

Beds are for people who work hard.

Recommit yourself to
school and hard work,

you get your bed back.

- Mom?
- For the next three months

while I'm busy studying for grad school,

you will be by my side PSAT prepping.

Study buddies.

Wow. You've really done a lot for Eddie.

I drive my boys to be the best.

Jessica don't raise mediocre.

That's actually very helpful to hear.

Yes, that's why I said it.

Alright, well, uh,
I've got to get going.

"Conan" has another
interview in Daytona Beach.

Uh, hey, Andy.

Uh, complimentary basket of oranges.

My "Simpsons" spec
script is on the bottom.

Homer takes Lisa square
dancing and then loses her.

It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!"

Yeah, perfect.

They're always hungry for
ideas from the random public.

Really? That's great.

Mm.

So, what did you think of Eddie?
What will you tell the school?

Should I preorder my
license plate for him now?

Okay, look, I've done
a lot of these things,

and Harvard is not gonna be a fit.

What?

Oh, it was his mouth-rapping, wasn't it?

Oh, no, no, that was excellent...

I mean, Michael Winslow-nian.

No, i-it's not so much
Eddie as it is you.

Me?

Yeah, you're a bit of a helicopter mom,

and Harvard's found that,
when a parent is so... invested

that the kid tends to fizzle out

once they're finally on their own.

Eh, helicopter mom, that's not me.

Hey, who put this in my room?

Well, thanks for the oranges.

Eddie can't go to Harvard because of me.

- Jessica.
- I pushed you your whole life

for a school like Harvard,
but I pushed too hard.

- I failed you.
- What?

No, I wasn't that big
on Harvard anyways.

I mean, their mascot's a friggin' color.

Well, I guess there
are other top schools.

Why, it is the Ivy League after all.

Or there are other options.

Okay, new plan!

We go to the schools to interview.

We ambush them.

I'll find the admissions director,

tell him that if he
doesn't accept Eddie,

it's time for some smacks...

hitting smacks, not kissing smacks.

Ma, you don't have to do that.

Of course I do. I ruined Harvard!

You didn't ruin it, because I
didn't want to go to college.

I want to go to culinary school.

Then I guess I really
did fail you as a mother.

Okay. I'll tally the votes.

Hey, dingbat. What the "H" was that?

You took credit for my success,

plucked my feathers for your cap.

I was just proving a point.

Well, this isn't a joke, kid.

- This is the doggone HOA Vice Presidency!
- Mm.

Doesn't feel so good when someone
steals your story, does it?

The dark underbelly of plagiarism.

Evan, you saw how everyone reacted

when I shared your story.

It's powerful enough on its own.

When you get to high school,

the operating room, the oval office...

you don't need to be anything
other than who you are.

I love that guy.

Alright, y'all.

Congrats to the new Vice President,

Emery Huang!

This... This is why

we need to do away
with the popular vote.

Here's the thing, kids,
but I've taken this sucker

to 150 miles an hour
on a residential street.

Taking the ranch on the road.

Brings me back to my Dolly days...

minus the groupies and the wigs.

Oh, you worked at Dollywood?

I wasn't sure, because
you haven't mentioned it

since yesterday.

Yo, Pops. Ma's not doing so well.

Oh, yowza. Mac and cheese?

And we're out of LACTAID.

This is my fault.

I shouldn't have pushed
you to do that interview.

No, it's my bad.

I knew she'd hate culinary school,

but I thought she'd be mad, not sad.

I broke Mom.

Okay, everybody.

Let's keep that energy
going for Jessica Huang,

who's singing next.

♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪

♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪

♪ Try and keep your head up to the sky ♪

- Oof. I heard Harvard's out.
- ♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪

Yeah, well, Andy Richter
called her a bad mom.

♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪

- Aw, hell no.
- ♪ Show up and be counted ♪

♪ Don't be ashamed to cry ♪

♪ Herald what your mother said ♪

♪ Read the books your father read ♪

♪ Try to solve your puzzles
in your own sweet time ♪

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm ♪

♪ You gotta stay together ♪

♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪

♪ Time asks no questions ♪

♪ It goes on without you ♪

♪ Leaving you behind ♪

If you try to suspend
our son because of this,

we will sue everyone in this school.

♪ You can't stop it if you try to ♪

♪ The best part is danger... ♪

If Oscar Chow hadn't dumped me,

I never would have met your father.

I wouldn't be here.

And that would be tragic.

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser ♪

♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger ♪

♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪

Okay, I hope you're not
wearing synthetic fibers,

'cause they're about to
set the dance floor on fire.

It's Honey and Marvin.

♪ You see a faded sign
by the side of the road ♪

♪ That says 15 miles to the ♪

♪ Love shack! ♪

- Eddie, you didn't need to do that.
- Yes, I did.

Think about all the times
you've swooped in to save me.

You've always been there for me.

You're the best mom ever.

I'm not terrible?

Sure, you pushed me... a lot.

Like, I'm probably gonna
have to go talk it through

with a professional at some point,

but I'm glad you did,

because it taught me to
fight for what I want.

Dirty if you have to.

I know it's not what you planned,

but I want to go to culinary school.

And I just want what's best for you.

That's all I ever wanted.

I know, but I'm not gonna quit.

I'm never gonna quit, because
I'm Jessica Huang's kid.

You're what?

Tiiiiin roof!

- Oh.
- Rusted!

Amazing duet yesterday.

I would've joined in, but Chestnut threw

- a piping-hot potato wedge at Trent.
- Good.

You do that thing
where you cup your ear,

but it's still pitchy.

Uh, it's called harmonizing?

Look, about Eddie.

I know we always wanted
him to go to college,

but he has his own dreams.

Louis, we worked so
hard to get him here.

He has a golden opportunity.

I don't want him to throw it all away.

Well, you know, we were
his age when we left Taiwan,

and isn't this why,

so our kids could
pursue their own dreams?

How am I so bad at fake
skateboarding and you're a god?

You got slow thumbs, Eddie.

Tina, can you give us a minute?

You got it, Jess.

Still weird.

So, are you still into this
whole cooking-school thing?

Yeah.

Okay, fine. You can go.

- Really?!
- That's it?

No one's going to stop my son

from getting what he wants, not even me.

But you are going to the top one.

Really, Mom?

Another life-chart?

This one...

you fill out yourself.

I'd use a pencil, son.

You never know. Things can change.

And I reserve the right to
correct whatever you get wrong.

Like it or not, I'm not going anywhere.

Ohh. I'm so proud of him.

Our little Evan.

... and my brother, Emery,

who taught me to be true to myself.

And now he's starring
in cellphone commercials.

I'm sure you've all
heard his catchphrase.

"No, boss, it's a text message!"

You know, Louis,

I'm actually glad your mother's here,

even like this.

I'm going to be a big Ole mess later.

Yo, when this thing wrap up?

I got Trent running my restaurant,

and his narcolepsy's flaring up.

- I don't know how, but we did it.
- Yep.

- I did.
- Thank you.

No, I said...