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1
00:00:00,703 --> 00:00:02,990
No, I can't just gloss over
2
00:00:03,015 --> 00:00:04,935
the fact that you're
in a hospital, I'm sorry.
3
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:05,991
PENNY [OVER PHONE]: I just had
a little something
4
00:00:06,015 --> 00:00:07,131
done on my private parts.
5
00:00:07,156 --> 00:00:08,584
See if I still have any.
6
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:09,975
Was this planned?
7
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,146
PENNY: Of course.
8
00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:12,857
Well, why didn't you tell me about it?
9
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:14,602
PENNY: Why would I do that?
You're not here.
10
00:00:15,540 --> 00:00:17,185
Ugh! Just tell me what's wrong.
11
00:00:17,210 --> 00:00:18,225
PENNY: Oh, who knows.
12
00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:19,748
They removed some bits and bobs.
13
00:00:19,773 --> 00:00:21,147
Honestly, I wasn't that interested.
14
00:00:21,171 --> 00:00:22,607
Better to wither away.
15
00:00:22,632 --> 00:00:25,365
No, no. Don't wither. I'm here.
16
00:00:25,390 --> 00:00:27,206
PENNY: You're not here at all.
You're there.
17
00:00:27,231 --> 00:00:28,497
Why would I bother you?
18
00:00:28,522 --> 00:00:30,408
[LINE RINGING OVER LAPTOP]
19
00:00:30,433 --> 00:00:32,412
- Is it ringing?
- PENNY: Yes, sure.
20
00:00:32,906 --> 00:00:34,701
Oh, here she is!
21
00:00:34,726 --> 00:00:37,232
- Look!
- What's this for?
22
00:00:37,257 --> 00:00:38,310
I've put you on the TV.
23
00:00:38,335 --> 00:00:39,866
I'm gonna keep you
on the screen all day.
24
00:00:39,890 --> 00:00:41,486
- Oh, no, no. No.
-Yes.
25
00:00:41,511 --> 00:00:42,818
- Don't do that.
- Yes!
26
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,015
- Yes!
- I'll be looming over everyone.
27
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,040
Ugh!
28
00:00:46,065 --> 00:00:47,756
The girls really don't need to see this.
29
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,281
The end times.
30
00:00:51,687 --> 00:00:54,287
- It's not serious?
- No. Mm-mmm.
31
00:00:54,353 --> 00:00:57,725
Well, it's either nothing or
you got stage four cancer.
32
00:00:57,750 --> 00:00:58,936
You'd behave the same either way.
33
00:00:58,960 --> 00:00:59,976
[LAUGHS]
34
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,306
Cancer. Brr. No.
35
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,418
We're not cancer types.
36
00:01:03,443 --> 00:01:05,114
Dad died of cancer.
37
00:01:05,139 --> 00:01:06,266
Hmm.
38
00:01:06,291 --> 00:01:07,473
Not in my bloodline.
39
00:01:07,498 --> 00:01:09,580
[LAUGHING]
40
00:01:10,790 --> 00:01:12,310
[SIGHS]
41
00:01:13,404 --> 00:01:18,240
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
42
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,170
Who brought you the flowers?
43
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,342
The flowers? Oh, Malcolm.
44
00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:26,095
- Malcolm?
- Hmm.
45
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,020
You told Malcolm about
the operation but not me?
46
00:01:28,045 --> 00:01:30,356
Well, yes, because he comes to visit me.
47
00:01:30,380 --> 00:01:32,131
He's over here all the time.
48
00:01:32,310 --> 00:01:34,106
He thinks we're still together actually.
49
00:01:34,131 --> 00:01:36,055
I keep telling him!
50
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:37,803
The thing is I just don't know
51
00:01:37,828 --> 00:01:39,690
when I'm gonna get sex
that's this good again.
52
00:01:39,715 --> 00:01:41,901
Maybe that's why he thinks
you're still together.
53
00:01:41,926 --> 00:01:43,533
I don't know what he's thinking.
I don't ask.
54
00:01:43,557 --> 00:01:44,686
- [LARRY BARKS]
- [DOOR OPENS]
55
00:01:44,710 --> 00:01:46,356
- [GIRLS CHATTERING]
- - Oh, here they come.
56
00:01:46,380 --> 00:01:47,856
I really don't think they
need to look at this.
57
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,976
Please just show some
interest in the girls. Please!
58
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,128
Why? Are they interesting?
59
00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:53,357
Yes.
60
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,082
Yeah, I'm the king of the cool
after school hang out place.
61
00:01:57,107 --> 00:01:58,102
You're just the guy who always
62
00:01:58,126 --> 00:01:59,129
- says yes.
- Whatever.
63
00:01:59,154 --> 00:02:01,356
- Oh, honey, what is this?
- Duke.
64
00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:03,306
I know I'm not allowed to touch him.
I know the rules.
65
00:02:03,330 --> 00:02:04,556
But does he know the rules,
66
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:05,596
or does he think I don't love him?
67
00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,082
You can touch him, he loves pats.
68
00:02:07,107 --> 00:02:09,225
[GASPS] Oh, thank God.
69
00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:11,185
Oh, my God, this is so good.
70
00:02:11,210 --> 00:02:12,262
It feels so naughty.
71
00:02:12,287 --> 00:02:13,881
It's like forbidden love.
72
00:02:13,906 --> 00:02:15,553
- This is Drea.
- Hello, Drea.
73
00:02:15,578 --> 00:02:17,309
- Hello.
- Hello, human.
74
00:02:17,334 --> 00:02:19,334
- [GASPS]
- So we got stuff to do, so...
75
00:02:19,359 --> 00:02:21,951
NICHOLAS: Yeah, go forward
with your big, interesting lives.
76
00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:23,226
Yes.
77
00:02:23,251 --> 00:02:24,701
Yeah, hello.
78
00:02:25,463 --> 00:02:27,295
We're best friends.
79
00:02:28,723 --> 00:02:30,305
Why is there a woman on the screen?
80
00:02:30,330 --> 00:02:31,856
Oh. Hey, Penny.
81
00:02:31,881 --> 00:02:34,295
Well, line up.
Let me have a look at you.
82
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,895
Ooh, who's that on the end?
83
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:38,766
Uh, Barb.
84
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,580
Oh. [LAUGHS]
85
00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:44,387
Oh, is there a dog?
86
00:02:44,412 --> 00:02:46,223
My assistance dog, Duke.
87
00:02:46,248 --> 00:02:47,788
Hmm. What's that for?
88
00:02:47,813 --> 00:02:49,023
Anxiety.
89
00:02:49,553 --> 00:02:51,225
Oh, dear.
90
00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:53,935
You know what we got for our
anxiety when we were kids?
91
00:02:54,412 --> 00:02:55,766
Nothing. [LAUGHS]
92
00:02:55,790 --> 00:02:57,726
MATILDA: This is the most
important night of my life,
93
00:02:57,750 --> 00:02:59,545
I need some quiet!
94
00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:01,516
- What's happening?
- She asked me to keep it
95
00:03:01,541 --> 00:03:02,710
a secret from all of you,
96
00:03:02,735 --> 00:03:04,501
which I find irrational.
97
00:03:04,526 --> 00:03:05,788
Why is no one telling me anything?
98
00:03:05,812 --> 00:03:07,663
I write the checks around here.
99
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,609
Drea is the only person
I've chosen to tell.
100
00:03:09,634 --> 00:03:11,856
Sweetheart, in the end,
no one's interested.
101
00:03:11,881 --> 00:03:14,015
I won't have it pried out of me.
102
00:03:14,219 --> 00:03:15,935
You're lucky having Nicholas with you.
103
00:03:16,843 --> 00:03:18,436
Uh...
104
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:22,013
I hope you get better soon, um...
105
00:03:22,038 --> 00:03:25,257
and, uh, you look, you look great.
106
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:27,970
Terrible drought.
107
00:03:28,299 --> 00:03:30,226
The farmers are really feeling it.
108
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,710
Nothing.
109
00:03:32,770 --> 00:03:34,115
It's not midnight yet.
110
00:03:34,140 --> 00:03:35,896
If you can't be helpful,
I don't need you here.
111
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,123
Matilda, honey. Honey.
112
00:03:38,148 --> 00:03:40,226
I asked her here for moral support.
113
00:03:40,250 --> 00:03:41,802
I'm delighted to be here.
114
00:03:41,827 --> 00:03:43,677
Guys, I need everyone
to stand very still.
115
00:03:43,702 --> 00:03:45,030
- Wh... Why?
- I've lost Sapphire.
116
00:03:45,055 --> 00:03:46,122
One of my beetles.
117
00:03:46,147 --> 00:03:47,933
Okay. All right.
118
00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:50,476
They like to hide under things.
Look under things.
119
00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:52,843
- Why do we own so many things?
- [DOORBELL DINGS]
120
00:03:53,976 --> 00:03:55,271
Where are you going now?
121
00:03:55,296 --> 00:03:57,655
Where am I going? I'm the one in charge.
122
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,655
We need to get out of this life.
123
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,015
I live with my parents.
There's nowhere to go.
124
00:04:10,914 --> 00:04:12,310
Who are we avoiding?
125
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,115
There's just some dark shit going on.
126
00:04:14,140 --> 00:04:15,436
And you're gonna keep me in here?
127
00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:17,257
I'll visit from time to time.
128
00:04:17,921 --> 00:04:21,015
Wait, I feel like we need
to talk about Mexico.
129
00:04:21,412 --> 00:04:22,798
No.
130
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:24,451
Absolutely not.
131
00:04:24,476 --> 00:04:26,209
Also, you're about to meet my mum.
132
00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:27,459
- What?
- Yeah.
133
00:04:27,484 --> 00:04:29,855
- Very dim life line.
- How dim?
134
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,365
You're not having any children.
135
00:04:31,390 --> 00:04:32,686
Watch where you step, I lost Sapphire.
136
00:04:32,710 --> 00:04:33,936
You lost one of your beetles?
137
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,304
She has a name!
138
00:04:36,968 --> 00:04:38,724
- There.
- Hi, Mom.
139
00:04:38,749 --> 00:04:39,945
Hot or not?
140
00:04:40,234 --> 00:04:41,726
Hot or not? You heard him.
141
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:43,090
I'm sorry. Hot.
142
00:04:43,115 --> 00:04:44,115
Girls?
143
00:04:44,140 --> 00:04:45,724
- Um, hot.
- Hot.
144
00:04:45,749 --> 00:04:47,513
Oh, you should see me live.
145
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,045
[LAUGHS]
146
00:04:49,070 --> 00:04:50,216
Now who's this?
147
00:04:50,241 --> 00:04:53,045
- Don't start. You know who this is.
- How dim?
148
00:04:53,070 --> 00:04:55,208
- Oh!
- [ALEX LAUGHS]
149
00:04:55,233 --> 00:04:57,294
You know what I find
so interesting, Alex?
150
00:04:57,319 --> 00:04:59,217
- Hmm?
- How the gays pair up.
151
00:04:59,242 --> 00:05:00,266
I'm sorry?
152
00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:02,356
How you sort yourselves out.
153
00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:04,356
One of you is tall,
the other one's short.
154
00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:06,223
One's wealthy, the other one's young.
155
00:05:06,248 --> 00:05:07,678
Do you guys wanna go to my room?
156
00:05:07,703 --> 00:05:09,153
I'm not leaving here ever.
157
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:10,981
Wait, I'm the short, broke one.
158
00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:12,326
What's your secret weapon then?
159
00:05:12,351 --> 00:05:14,741
- I have a bigger penis.
- [LAUGHING]
160
00:05:16,210 --> 00:05:17,551
Oh, I'm very happy to hear that.
161
00:05:17,576 --> 00:05:19,809
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- Oh, that's wonderful.
162
00:05:19,834 --> 00:05:21,476
This is awesome.
163
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,080
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
164
00:05:26,338 --> 00:05:30,248
_
165
00:05:31,412 --> 00:05:32,501
Hello, Linda.
166
00:05:32,526 --> 00:05:34,056
LINDA [OVER PHONE]: Hi.
Um, have you seen Barb?
167
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,686
I'm just, I'm a little worried
168
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:36,806
- because we had a fight.
-That stings.
169
00:05:36,830 --> 00:05:39,536
- Okay, my turn.
- Eh... Oh, that's not good.
170
00:05:39,561 --> 00:05:41,497
LINDA: Yeah, it was a whopper.
171
00:05:41,522 --> 00:05:43,223
And I just, I haven't heard from her.
172
00:05:43,248 --> 00:05:46,223
- I mean, I'm sure she's fine.
- Yeah.
173
00:05:46,248 --> 00:05:47,864
LINDA: But I just, um...
174
00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,778
[SIGHS] I don't know, I...
175
00:05:49,803 --> 00:05:52,356
To be honest, I raised my voice.
176
00:05:52,380 --> 00:05:54,309
- [SIGHS] There.
- Uh, yeah.
177
00:05:54,334 --> 00:05:55,997
No, I haven't seen her,
178
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,287
but no one's still come home yet.
Maybe she's with the girls.
179
00:05:58,311 --> 00:05:59,686
LINDA: Okay. Yeah, okay.
180
00:05:59,928 --> 00:06:02,015
- Thanks. [LINDA SIGHS]
- Okay.
181
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:03,710
[LAUGHTER]
182
00:06:05,790 --> 00:06:07,911
Why is everyone just lounging around
183
00:06:07,936 --> 00:06:08,998
with Sapphire on the run?
184
00:06:09,023 --> 00:06:10,904
- I'm looking.
- You sit here now.
185
00:06:10,929 --> 00:06:12,896
Sit here. Go.
186
00:06:13,975 --> 00:06:17,020
So, I just got off
the phone to your mother.
187
00:06:17,045 --> 00:06:19,061
You didn't tell her I'm here, did you?
188
00:06:19,086 --> 00:06:20,747
No, I didn't tell her you're here.
189
00:06:20,772 --> 00:06:22,927
I don't know why. What is going on?
190
00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:27,192
Linda and I have had a
difference of opinion.
191
00:06:27,217 --> 00:06:30,103
You did something. What did you do?
192
00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:31,604
No, don't answer that.
193
00:06:31,629 --> 00:06:32,742
I do not want to know.
194
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:33,794
I need you to call her.
195
00:06:33,819 --> 00:06:35,231
I will not be brought down by this.
196
00:06:35,256 --> 00:06:36,786
Parenting is just constantly dealing
197
00:06:36,811 --> 00:06:38,161
with nothing interesting.
198
00:06:38,186 --> 00:06:40,112
The problem is that you're a pushover.
199
00:06:40,136 --> 00:06:41,434
You've always been like that.
200
00:06:41,459 --> 00:06:43,294
I used to walk all over you.
201
00:06:44,010 --> 00:06:46,161
Honey, you gotta
tell me what's going on.
202
00:06:46,186 --> 00:06:48,473
You're starting to
look a little unhinged.
203
00:06:49,136 --> 00:06:50,452
[SIGHS] By midnight tonight,
204
00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:51,873
I'll find out if I got into Juilliard.
205
00:06:51,897 --> 00:06:54,098
Oh, my God, that's... That's big, babe.
206
00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:55,769
That's like... That's huge.
207
00:06:55,794 --> 00:06:58,510
Her whole life forks between
success and obscurity.
208
00:06:58,535 --> 00:07:02,528
- How didn't I know about this?
- Nicholas, can we talk?
209
00:07:02,697 --> 00:07:04,383
Why, did you find Sapphire?
210
00:07:04,408 --> 00:07:05,872
- No.
- No, of course you didn't
211
00:07:05,897 --> 00:07:07,154
'cause you haven't been looking.
212
00:07:07,178 --> 00:07:08,945
She's not gonna come over
and introduce herself.
213
00:07:08,969 --> 00:07:10,669
She's a beetle!
214
00:07:11,374 --> 00:07:13,278
I know what this is about.
215
00:07:13,765 --> 00:07:15,052
Barb has to go.
216
00:07:15,077 --> 00:07:17,544
Nicholas, have you thought this through?
217
00:07:18,860 --> 00:07:20,176
I really don't think I have.
218
00:07:20,201 --> 00:07:23,372
Matilda is not getting in to Juilliard.
219
00:07:26,466 --> 00:07:29,083
Yeah, she is. She's so good.
220
00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:31,778
Matilda's not getting into Juilliard.
221
00:07:31,803 --> 00:07:33,818
She's not getting in?
Why is she not getting in?
222
00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:35,982
Nobody gets in.
223
00:07:36,327 --> 00:07:37,843
Because nobody gets in.
224
00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:39,645
And everybody applies.
225
00:07:39,670 --> 00:07:40,776
And everybody applies.
226
00:07:40,801 --> 00:07:42,380
There's a house full of people
227
00:07:42,405 --> 00:07:44,511
ready to watch her have
a full-blown meltdown
228
00:07:44,536 --> 00:07:46,222
when she finds out.
229
00:07:46,247 --> 00:07:47,786
I have to get rid of them.
230
00:07:48,311 --> 00:07:49,997
- You can't.
- No?
231
00:07:50,022 --> 00:07:51,432
No, it's too late.
232
00:07:56,011 --> 00:07:58,919
I'm just looking at you hoping
you'll tell me what to do.
233
00:07:59,802 --> 00:08:02,437
- I'll distract them.
- Okay.
234
00:08:03,458 --> 00:08:04,622
We could be wrong about this.
235
00:08:04,647 --> 00:08:06,322
She could end up
beating the odds getting in
236
00:08:06,346 --> 00:08:07,936
and then giving a TED Talk.
237
00:08:08,658 --> 00:08:09,989
[SIGHS]
238
00:08:11,313 --> 00:08:13,341
We could be wrong about this.
239
00:08:15,378 --> 00:08:17,466
[ALEX LAUGHING]
240
00:08:17,491 --> 00:08:19,871
ALEX: You know what?
Nicholas doesn't let me touch his hair.
241
00:08:19,896 --> 00:08:21,782
He's right not to. It's unstable.
242
00:08:21,806 --> 00:08:23,817
[GASPS] That must be why
he hates when I pull it.
243
00:08:23,842 --> 00:08:26,112
No, don't do that.
That hair cost me a fortune.
244
00:08:26,137 --> 00:08:27,952
- Oh.
- PENNY: Hair transplant.
245
00:08:27,976 --> 00:08:30,032
[LAUGHING]
246
00:08:30,056 --> 00:08:32,950
Yes. Twice. Mm-hmm.
247
00:08:37,947 --> 00:08:40,013
I'm in the dressing room
getting fitted for a bra
248
00:08:40,038 --> 00:08:41,512
when I hear the lady tell my mom
249
00:08:41,537 --> 00:08:43,763
that they "don't have
anything in her size"
250
00:08:43,788 --> 00:08:46,146
and we should "try our luck online."
251
00:08:46,171 --> 00:08:47,833
Oh, no.
252
00:08:47,858 --> 00:08:51,111
So I swiped something to
get vengeance on her behalf.
253
00:08:51,136 --> 00:08:53,036
A white lace teddy.
254
00:08:53,061 --> 00:08:56,450
Now Linda wants me to return it
and, like, go to jail.
255
00:08:56,475 --> 00:08:58,864
You expect us to believe
that you stole that teddy
256
00:08:58,889 --> 00:09:01,981
out of some sort of vigilante justice?
257
00:09:02,321 --> 00:09:03,911
Don't be ridiculous.
258
00:09:03,936 --> 00:09:05,325
You stole it for yourself.
259
00:09:05,350 --> 00:09:07,294
Uh, guys?
260
00:09:07,319 --> 00:09:08,739
What's a teddy?
261
00:09:08,764 --> 00:09:10,820
It's a sexy somethin', somethin'
262
00:09:10,845 --> 00:09:12,755
you'd wear on your honeymoon.
263
00:09:12,780 --> 00:09:14,216
Oh!
264
00:09:14,476 --> 00:09:16,912
GENEVIEVE: Who did you think
you were gonna be with that teddy?
265
00:09:16,936 --> 00:09:19,032
I was just gonna stand around in it.
266
00:09:19,056 --> 00:09:20,973
Teddies are not meant to be worn.
267
00:09:20,998 --> 00:09:22,724
They're meant to be peeled off.
268
00:09:22,749 --> 00:09:23,911
Huh.
269
00:09:24,303 --> 00:09:26,247
Wait, is that why you're on the run?
270
00:09:28,062 --> 00:09:31,308
[SIGHS] Linda needs a lover. Or a horse.
271
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:32,872
She has my dad.
272
00:09:32,896 --> 00:09:35,724
We need to give Linda bigger problems.
273
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:37,765
We should catfish her.
274
00:09:37,790 --> 00:09:40,491
That way she'll be
distracted by her new lover
275
00:09:40,516 --> 00:09:41,942
and leave you alone.
276
00:09:43,137 --> 00:09:44,675
Did you guys not hear me?
277
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:45,920
Yeah, we heard you. We're here.
278
00:09:45,944 --> 00:09:48,739
I'm just trying to come to
terms with your proposal.
279
00:09:48,931 --> 00:09:50,451
We need to catfish her.
280
00:09:50,476 --> 00:09:52,130
I just don't know why we would.
281
00:09:52,155 --> 00:09:53,809
Well, why would you catfish anyone?
282
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,451
'Cause, like, when they're Barb's mom,
283
00:09:55,476 --> 00:09:57,096
they just, like, have to be catfished.
284
00:09:58,543 --> 00:10:00,856
Like it or not, this is happening.
285
00:10:02,085 --> 00:10:03,505
Oh, my.
286
00:10:03,530 --> 00:10:05,716
- Am I gonna die?
- We all die.
287
00:10:05,741 --> 00:10:07,797
You're gonna have a torrid affair.
288
00:10:07,822 --> 00:10:09,137
Only one?
289
00:10:09,865 --> 00:10:11,741
Where did you get torrid from?
290
00:10:11,766 --> 00:10:13,242
My intuition.
291
00:10:13,266 --> 00:10:14,583
Okay.
292
00:10:14,874 --> 00:10:16,600
- Matilda, babe?
- Hmm?
293
00:10:16,625 --> 00:10:18,310
Is there something you
and Drea can do together?
294
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:19,821
I'd be open to that.
295
00:10:19,846 --> 00:10:22,458
No, I can't, not now.
296
00:10:24,896 --> 00:10:27,144
Barb, what does your mom
look for in a man?
297
00:10:27,169 --> 00:10:28,202
Help me.
298
00:10:28,226 --> 00:10:30,755
I think we both know I
can't stop this train.
299
00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:32,926
TELLULAH: Be a "yes" person, Barb.
300
00:10:33,186 --> 00:10:34,912
I literally do this all the time.
301
00:10:34,936 --> 00:10:36,242
What are her interests?
302
00:10:36,266 --> 00:10:38,492
Wine, and going to Cabo.
303
00:10:38,516 --> 00:10:40,144
Got it. She's basic.
304
00:10:40,169 --> 00:10:41,669
[CHUCKLES]
305
00:10:41,694 --> 00:10:45,403
Ladies, meet Johan.
306
00:10:45,544 --> 00:10:47,412
I'd really rather not.
307
00:10:47,436 --> 00:10:50,058
Guys, this is my mom!
308
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,208
Barb.
309
00:10:51,655 --> 00:10:53,105
If Linda's distracted,
310
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,989
she will leave you and your teddy alone.
311
00:10:57,415 --> 00:10:59,281
What else does she like?
312
00:10:59,306 --> 00:11:00,598
Well...
313
00:11:00,623 --> 00:11:03,825
she writes Harry Potter fan fiction.
314
00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:06,075
No one's supposed to know that.
315
00:11:06,420 --> 00:11:07,661
Got it.
316
00:11:07,686 --> 00:11:10,372
Johan, the Harry Potter fan.
317
00:11:10,397 --> 00:11:12,235
You're not really gonna
really send this, are you?
318
00:11:12,259 --> 00:11:13,912
- Already did.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
319
00:11:13,937 --> 00:11:15,532
GENEVIEVE: What do we do now?
320
00:11:15,557 --> 00:11:17,083
We wait.
321
00:11:17,986 --> 00:11:20,300
Sorry, could we get back to
Linda writing fan fiction?
322
00:11:20,325 --> 00:11:22,800
- Oh, yeah.
- It's actually erotica.
323
00:11:22,825 --> 00:11:25,317
- Oh.
- My dad travels a lot.
324
00:11:25,342 --> 00:11:26,667
How'd you find out?
325
00:11:26,692 --> 00:11:29,742
On her computer. When I was ten.
326
00:11:29,766 --> 00:11:31,572
It kind of ruined Harry Potter for me.
327
00:11:31,596 --> 00:11:33,702
But, like, also sex.
328
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:36,522
Yeah, it's not been an easy life.
329
00:11:36,547 --> 00:11:37,547
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
330
00:11:40,806 --> 00:11:42,410
- She accepted.
- [GASPS]
331
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,645
Oh, my God.
332
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:46,356
When it comes to men,
I like the mean ones,
333
00:11:46,381 --> 00:11:47,756
- I've always been like that.
- Hmm, yeah.
334
00:11:47,780 --> 00:11:49,047
The bad boys, yeah.
335
00:11:49,072 --> 00:11:50,468
Mm-hmm. And if that's your fate,
336
00:11:50,493 --> 00:11:52,145
then you just have to accept it.
337
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,325
Nicholas' father he acted
like a really nice guy but...
338
00:11:55,350 --> 00:11:58,442
oh, he was mean as a cut snake,
and I loved it.
339
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:00,802
[BOTH LAUGH]
340
00:12:00,827 --> 00:12:02,255
Is Nicholas like his dad?
341
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,137
He does look a bit like
him but slightly melted.
342
00:12:04,161 --> 00:12:05,434
He lacks the symmetry.
343
00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:08,750
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I can hear you.
344
00:12:08,775 --> 00:12:10,943
Well, I didn't know if you
were in the room or not, so...
345
00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:12,083
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
346
00:12:12,108 --> 00:12:14,098
Let's be on my side.
347
00:12:14,123 --> 00:12:15,333
And I am, darling.
348
00:12:15,358 --> 00:12:17,512
I don't think Johan would say that.
349
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:20,012
Johan will say what I tell him to say.
350
00:12:20,887 --> 00:12:22,410
What's her favorite character?
351
00:12:22,435 --> 00:12:23,559
Draco Malfoy.
352
00:12:23,584 --> 00:12:24,720
What a curve ball.
353
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,825
Sometimes I like to dress up
354
00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:28,620
as Draco Malfoy.
355
00:12:28,645 --> 00:12:30,239
She's gonna know it's me.
356
00:12:30,264 --> 00:12:32,080
[GASPS] She's writing more.
357
00:12:32,105 --> 00:12:33,331
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
358
00:12:33,355 --> 00:12:35,575
- "So do I"?
- Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
359
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,708
Your mom dresses up as Draco Malfoy?
360
00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:38,869
To Comic Con.
361
00:12:38,894 --> 00:12:41,580
Honestly,
I am this close to loving Linda.
362
00:12:41,605 --> 00:12:47,126
Sometimes I wonder if
Draco is a homosexual.
363
00:12:47,151 --> 00:12:48,455
So does she!
364
00:12:49,514 --> 00:12:51,165
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
365
00:12:52,081 --> 00:12:53,783
I wanna be laughing.
366
00:12:55,877 --> 00:12:58,103
What is it? What is it? What is it?
367
00:12:59,475 --> 00:13:01,015
No, what is it?
368
00:13:01,682 --> 00:13:03,330
What fresh hell are you up to?
369
00:13:03,355 --> 00:13:05,573
- It's private.
- We're on the Internet, it's nothing.
370
00:13:05,598 --> 00:13:06,651
Yeah.
371
00:13:06,676 --> 00:13:08,503
No. Barb, what is it?
372
00:13:09,084 --> 00:13:10,643
[WHISPERING]: Don't you dare.
373
00:13:10,668 --> 00:13:12,417
Barb, give it to me.
374
00:13:12,442 --> 00:13:13,776
Give it to me.
375
00:13:13,801 --> 00:13:14,907
Give it to me.
376
00:13:14,932 --> 00:13:16,331
We're catfishing my mom.
377
00:13:16,356 --> 00:13:18,042
Oh, my God.
378
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:20,923
- In what way?
- The standard way.
379
00:13:20,948 --> 00:13:23,370
Pretending to be a gay Draco Malfoy
380
00:13:23,395 --> 00:13:25,143
who's ready to get down.
381
00:13:25,168 --> 00:13:26,934
NICHOLAS: No!
382
00:13:26,959 --> 00:13:28,308
How is this helpful?
383
00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:29,703
It's no big deal.
384
00:13:31,235 --> 00:13:33,251
[SIGHS] Okay.
385
00:13:33,556 --> 00:13:34,854
Did she reply?
386
00:13:34,879 --> 00:13:37,155
She wants to meet up right away.
387
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:39,370
Linda's been very responsive.
388
00:13:39,395 --> 00:13:40,948
[GIRLS SNICKERING]
389
00:13:40,973 --> 00:13:42,926
No, no, no, no. This is...
This is... This is... This is...
390
00:13:42,950 --> 00:13:44,675
I am disappointed.
391
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:45,862
I am.
392
00:13:45,887 --> 00:13:47,329
And I'm very mad.
393
00:13:47,354 --> 00:13:48,667
And...
394
00:13:49,033 --> 00:13:50,799
And I appreciate that it's not matching
395
00:13:50,824 --> 00:13:53,450
with my tone of my voice.
But why did I lie for you?
396
00:13:53,475 --> 00:13:55,659
That was a ni...
That was a nice thing I did, Barb,
397
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:57,245
and you've turned around
398
00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:00,409
and you've catfished your own mother.
399
00:14:02,589 --> 00:14:05,292
Just really needed you guys
400
00:14:05,317 --> 00:14:07,651
to not be little mongrels tonight.
401
00:14:07,676 --> 00:14:09,222
And you went and...
402
00:14:09,995 --> 00:14:11,581
You need to be punished.
403
00:14:11,606 --> 00:14:12,909
You've lost...
404
00:14:12,934 --> 00:14:15,222
You've lost bedroom privileges.
405
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,831
Also...
406
00:14:19,645 --> 00:14:22,315
You need to get yelled at,
you're gonna get yelled at.
407
00:14:22,340 --> 00:14:23,776
Is this you doing that?
408
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:24,847
Yes.
409
00:14:24,872 --> 00:14:26,636
And it's not great.
410
00:14:27,393 --> 00:14:28,739
Get up.
411
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:31,104
Let's go. Mum?
412
00:14:31,129 --> 00:14:32,995
I need you to get mad for me.
413
00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:34,487
I was catfished once.
414
00:14:34,519 --> 00:14:36,080
It was humiliating.
415
00:14:36,105 --> 00:14:37,854
He told me that he lived in Greece.
416
00:14:37,879 --> 00:14:39,355
He didn't.
417
00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:40,426
He said he was in love with me.
418
00:14:40,450 --> 00:14:41,767
So, of course, I bought him a ticket
419
00:14:41,791 --> 00:14:43,129
to come and visit me in Australia.
420
00:14:43,153 --> 00:14:44,541
And then I waited at the airport all day
421
00:14:44,565 --> 00:14:45,987
and he never showed up.
422
00:14:46,245 --> 00:14:48,910
So then I paid a computer
person to try and find him.
423
00:14:48,935 --> 00:14:50,991
And it turned out that he
was this fat little man
424
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,698
who sold used phones.
425
00:14:53,645 --> 00:14:57,330
The photographs that I sent him, my God.
426
00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:00,706
Everything, he had seen everything.
427
00:15:01,629 --> 00:15:03,409
What you little shits have done
428
00:15:03,434 --> 00:15:05,339
is just about the worst
thing that you can do
429
00:15:05,364 --> 00:15:06,590
to a middle-aged woman.
430
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:07,979
You gave her hope.
431
00:15:08,004 --> 00:15:09,612
You humiliated her.
432
00:15:10,294 --> 00:15:12,642
And you revealed her very sad hobby.
433
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:14,371
Nicholas has done nothing
but run around after you,
434
00:15:14,395 --> 00:15:16,526
and then you just,
you threw that right back in his face.
435
00:15:16,550 --> 00:15:18,121
You've cuckolded him.
436
00:15:18,145 --> 00:15:19,831
You've made him look
like a complete pansy
437
00:15:19,856 --> 00:15:22,292
in front of the other parents.
Like he's your bitch.
438
00:15:22,690 --> 00:15:24,121
Now, here's what needs to happen.
439
00:15:24,145 --> 00:15:26,253
He needs to feed you back to your mother
440
00:15:26,278 --> 00:15:29,554
so that she can tear
you apart limb by limb.
441
00:15:29,775 --> 00:15:31,912
And then you get to spend
the next three years of your life
442
00:15:31,936 --> 00:15:33,136
sharing a house with a woman
443
00:15:33,161 --> 00:15:35,040
that you sexually shamed.
444
00:15:35,065 --> 00:15:37,425
Seriously? No results?
445
00:15:37,663 --> 00:15:39,987
I'm really, really sorry.
446
00:15:40,150 --> 00:15:41,916
Sorry, Penny.
447
00:15:42,088 --> 00:15:44,120
Sorry.
448
00:15:44,145 --> 00:15:45,951
This is really helping me understand
449
00:15:45,975 --> 00:15:47,331
why you are the way you are.
450
00:15:47,356 --> 00:15:50,018
Yeah. Yeah, I kept trying to tell you.
451
00:16:00,588 --> 00:16:01,862
What? What are you doing?
452
00:16:01,887 --> 00:16:04,573
We can't have sex with all
these people in the house.
453
00:16:04,722 --> 00:16:06,788
Why? It's not like we
ever make any noise.
454
00:16:06,813 --> 00:16:08,370
That's not true, sometimes...
455
00:16:08,395 --> 00:16:10,448
Sometimes you mutter apologies.
456
00:16:10,473 --> 00:16:11,736
- Shut up!
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
457
00:16:11,761 --> 00:16:13,143
See my point?
458
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,659
Oh. Um, sorry.
459
00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:17,320
Nicholas, I need you.
460
00:16:17,345 --> 00:16:19,690
Yeah. Okay.
461
00:16:25,264 --> 00:16:27,972
Matilda fell asleep
and I checked her computer.
462
00:16:28,145 --> 00:16:29,440
She got in.
463
00:16:29,465 --> 00:16:30,823
She did what? She got in!
464
00:16:30,848 --> 00:16:32,565
Nicholas, this is worse. This is worse!
465
00:16:32,590 --> 00:16:34,249
This isn't worse. This is amazing!
466
00:16:34,274 --> 00:16:35,729
She can't go!
467
00:16:35,754 --> 00:16:36,871
Why?
468
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,268
Nicholas...
469
00:16:38,293 --> 00:16:40,349
she can't catch a bus alone.
470
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:42,863
She's been to a city maybe twice?
471
00:16:42,888 --> 00:16:44,995
I-I think twice.
472
00:16:45,536 --> 00:16:47,050
Okay.
473
00:16:48,855 --> 00:16:50,701
But she says she can go.
474
00:16:50,725 --> 00:16:52,870
How can she know she can do this
475
00:16:52,895 --> 00:16:55,237
if she's never seen it?
476
00:16:55,983 --> 00:16:58,987
I think we have to lie to her
and tell her she didn't get in.
477
00:16:59,731 --> 00:17:00,962
Oh, we can't do that.
478
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:03,659
I mean, I'm not doing that.
479
00:17:03,794 --> 00:17:06,729
Well, then, you have
to tell her she did get in
480
00:17:06,754 --> 00:17:08,770
but you're not letting her go.
481
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:11,315
I'm certainly not doing that.
482
00:17:12,915 --> 00:17:14,823
She's scared of crowds.
483
00:17:14,944 --> 00:17:18,040
She's scared of crowds in New York.
484
00:17:18,065 --> 00:17:23,581
I am begging you to
understand she just can't.
485
00:17:24,606 --> 00:17:26,792
I hear you. I really...
486
00:17:27,402 --> 00:17:29,651
really do, I just...
487
00:17:30,896 --> 00:17:32,673
Look, she didn't used
to be able to talk, right?
488
00:17:32,697 --> 00:17:34,411
And everyone said she wasn't
gonna be able to talk,
489
00:17:34,435 --> 00:17:37,648
and then she worked hard
and Dad worked hard, and...
490
00:17:37,673 --> 00:17:39,206
now she won't shut up.
491
00:17:40,295 --> 00:17:43,369
Any time people have
said no to her, she's like...
492
00:17:43,722 --> 00:17:45,618
supersedes their expectations.
493
00:17:45,643 --> 00:17:48,173
I don't wanna be one of
those people telling her no.
494
00:17:48,198 --> 00:17:49,411
Just...
495
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:50,491
[SIGHS]
496
00:17:50,515 --> 00:17:51,911
I can see why you think
497
00:17:51,935 --> 00:17:53,291
that might be a helpful,
498
00:17:53,315 --> 00:17:55,040
thoughtful thing to say,
499
00:17:55,065 --> 00:17:57,911
but it is so, so stupid.
500
00:17:57,935 --> 00:18:00,767
Also it's "exceeds" not "supersedes."
501
00:18:00,792 --> 00:18:02,651
We just don't have a choice.
502
00:18:02,676 --> 00:18:05,261
We just don't have a choice.
We have to do this.
503
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,196
If she goes and she fails...
504
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:10,791
at least she'll have us to come back to.
505
00:18:10,815 --> 00:18:12,698
If we say no to her, then...
506
00:18:12,723 --> 00:18:15,792
she'll hate us and then
she will have nothing.
507
00:18:17,076 --> 00:18:18,747
Okay, fine.
508
00:18:18,772 --> 00:18:19,971
Fine.
509
00:18:19,996 --> 00:18:21,284
Do you wanna wrestle?
510
00:18:22,706 --> 00:18:23,743
No.
511
00:18:23,768 --> 00:18:25,001
A little wrestle.
512
00:18:25,026 --> 00:18:27,307
No. Not right now.
513
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,276
Total hysterectomy.
514
00:18:31,065 --> 00:18:32,378
It didn't hurt that much.
515
00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,080
Just little snip, snip. [CLICKS TONGUE]
516
00:18:34,105 --> 00:18:35,440
All gone.
517
00:18:36,888 --> 00:18:38,114
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
518
00:18:38,139 --> 00:18:39,139
[SCOFFS]
519
00:18:40,481 --> 00:18:42,330
I didn't expect to have this reaction.
520
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,701
You probably think this
is quite ridiculous,
521
00:18:43,725 --> 00:18:45,990
that a woman my age,
would be shocked to find out
522
00:18:46,015 --> 00:18:47,767
that she can't have more kids.
523
00:18:47,792 --> 00:18:49,161
Sure.
524
00:18:49,185 --> 00:18:51,831
And I won't be telling
Malcolm because...
525
00:18:52,073 --> 00:18:53,900
he doesn't know why I'm here.
526
00:18:54,685 --> 00:18:56,174
I think unconsciously men like to think
527
00:18:56,198 --> 00:18:58,911
that you're still fertile,
and so I just let him try.
528
00:18:58,935 --> 00:19:00,964
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh...
529
00:19:01,225 --> 00:19:02,956
But if I were you...
530
00:19:03,972 --> 00:19:05,464
don't wait.
531
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:07,661
Have as many kids as you can
532
00:19:07,685 --> 00:19:10,870
with any man that's stupid enough
not to wear a condom.
533
00:19:12,225 --> 00:19:13,768
Get the kid.
534
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,525
It's all that matters in the end.
535
00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:18,104
Okay.
536
00:19:18,129 --> 00:19:20,464
Mum, leave the kids alone.
537
00:19:21,815 --> 00:19:24,701
Do we think that's a
regular teenage girl thing?
538
00:19:24,725 --> 00:19:26,562
- No.
- We don't spoon.
539
00:19:26,587 --> 00:19:27,603
No, we don't.
540
00:19:27,628 --> 00:19:29,990
- Who's spooning?
- Mum, I'm saying good night now.
541
00:19:30,015 --> 00:19:31,291
Well, I'll see you at Christmas.
542
00:19:31,315 --> 00:19:32,986
No, I'm gonna see you before then.
543
00:19:33,011 --> 00:19:36,081
- I don't know that.
- Okay, bye. Bye-bye.
544
00:19:37,145 --> 00:19:39,501
- This is new.
- This is new, isn't it?
545
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,612
That is new, isn't it?
546
00:19:41,637 --> 00:19:43,721
It's new. Yeah.
547
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:55,589
NICHOLAS: Hey, Larry.
548
00:19:56,373 --> 00:19:57,995
You eat my Sapphire?
549
00:19:58,935 --> 00:20:00,791
Larry, I'm not mad.
550
00:20:00,815 --> 00:20:03,628
I just want you to be honest with me.
551
00:20:04,515 --> 00:20:07,104
Did you eat my Sapphire?
552
00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:10,251
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
553
00:20:10,276 --> 00:20:11,861
I wasn't expecting this.
554
00:20:11,886 --> 00:20:13,970
I didn't prepare anything.
555
00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:15,805
I'm just so surprised.
556
00:20:15,830 --> 00:20:17,450
When I was four,
557
00:20:18,065 --> 00:20:20,196
my beautiful mother passed away.
558
00:20:20,221 --> 00:20:23,009
I was diagnosed with
autism spectrum disorder.
559
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:24,384
It wasn't easy,
560
00:20:24,409 --> 00:20:26,767
but I worked to overcome this adversity.
561
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:30,236
When I was 17, my dad, too, passed away.
562
00:20:30,261 --> 00:20:34,158
I got here through sheer will and belief
563
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:38,261
that hard work will pay
off in bountiful rewards.
564
00:20:38,691 --> 00:20:41,314
Nothing in my life
has come easily to me.
565
00:20:41,339 --> 00:20:43,451
I'd like to thank Juilliard.
566
00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:46,490
They believed in me when so few did.
567
00:20:46,515 --> 00:20:50,367
Oh. This is heavier than
what I was expecting.
568
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:54,967
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