Original subtitles

No, I can't just gloss over

the fact that you're in a hospital, I'm sorry.

PENNY [OVER PHONE]: I just had a little something

done on my private parts.

See if I still have any.

Was this planned?

PENNY: Of course.

Well, why didn't you tell me about it?

PENNY: Why would I do that? You're not here.

Ugh! Just tell me what's wrong.

PENNY: Oh, who knows.

They removed some bits and bobs.

Honestly, I wasn't that interested.

Better to wither away.

No, no. Don't wither. I'm here.

PENNY: You're not here at all. You're there.

Why would I bother you?

[LINE RINGING OVER LAPTOP]

- Is it ringing? - PENNY: Yes, sure.

Oh, here she is!

- Look! - What's this for?

I've put you on the TV.

I'm gonna keep you on the screen all day.

- Oh, no, no. No. -Yes.

- Don't do that. - Yes!

- Yes! - I'll be looming over everyone.

Ugh!

The girls really don't need to see this.

The end times.

- It's not serious? - No. Mm-mmm.

Well, it's either nothing or you got stage four cancer.

You'd behave the same either way.

[LAUGHS]

Cancer. Brr. No.

We're not cancer types.

Dad died of cancer.

Hmm.

Not in my bloodline.

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

Who brought you the flowers?

The flowers? Oh, Malcolm.

- Malcolm? - Hmm.

You told Malcolm about the operation but not me?

Well, yes, because he comes to visit me.

He's over here all the time.

He thinks we're still together actually.

I keep telling him!

The thing is I just don't know

when I'm gonna get sex that's this good again.

Maybe that's why he thinks you're still together.

I don't know what he's thinking. I don't ask.

- [LARRY BARKS] - [DOOR OPENS]

- [GIRLS CHATTERING] - - Oh, here they come.

I really don't think they need to look at this.

Please just show some interest in the girls. Please!

Why? Are they interesting?

Yes.

Yeah, I'm the king of the cool after school hang out place.

You're just the guy who always

- says yes. - Whatever.

- Oh, honey, what is this? - Duke.

I know I'm not allowed to touch him. I know the rules.

But does he know the rules,

or does he think I don't love him?

You can touch him, he loves pats.

[GASPS] Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God, this is so good.

It feels so naughty.

It's like forbidden love.

- This is Drea. - Hello, Drea.

- Hello. - Hello, human.

- [GASPS] - So we got stuff to do, so...

NICHOLAS: Yeah, go forward with your big, interesting lives.

Yes.

Yeah, hello.

We're best friends.

Why is there a woman on the screen?

Oh. Hey, Penny.

Well, line up. Let me have a look at you.

Ooh, who's that on the end?

Uh, Barb.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Oh, is there a dog?

My assistance dog, Duke.

Hmm. What's that for?

Anxiety.

Oh, dear.

You know what we got for our anxiety when we were kids?

Nothing. [LAUGHS]

MATILDA: This is the most important night of my life,

I need some quiet!

- What's happening? - She asked me to keep it

a secret from all of you,

which I find irrational.

Why is no one telling me anything?

I write the checks around here.

Drea is the only person I've chosen to tell.

Sweetheart, in the end, no one's interested.

I won't have it pried out of me.

You're lucky having Nicholas with you.

Uh...

I hope you get better soon, um...

and, uh, you look, you look great.

Terrible drought.

The farmers are really feeling it.

Nothing.

It's not midnight yet.

If you can't be helpful, I don't need you here.

Matilda, honey. Honey.

I asked her here for moral support.

I'm delighted to be here.

Guys, I need everyone to stand very still.

- Wh... Why? - I've lost Sapphire.

One of my beetles.

Okay. All right.

They like to hide under things. Look under things.

- Why do we own so many things? - [DOORBELL DINGS]

Where are you going now?

Where am I going? I'm the one in charge.

We need to get out of this life.

I live with my parents. There's nowhere to go.

Who are we avoiding?

There's just some dark shit going on.

And you're gonna keep me in here?

I'll visit from time to time.

Wait, I feel like we need to talk about Mexico.

No.

Absolutely not.

Also, you're about to meet my mum.

- What? - Yeah.

- Very dim life line. - How dim?

You're not having any children.

Watch where you step, I lost Sapphire.

You lost one of your beetles?

She has a name!

- There. - Hi, Mom.

Hot or not?

Hot or not? You heard him.

I'm sorry. Hot.

Girls?

- Um, hot. - Hot.

Oh, you should see me live.

[LAUGHS]

Now who's this?

- Don't start. You know who this is. - How dim?

- Oh! - [ALEX LAUGHS]

You know what I find so interesting, Alex?

- Hmm? - How the gays pair up.

I'm sorry?

How you sort yourselves out.

One of you is tall, the other one's short.

One's wealthy, the other one's young.

Do you guys wanna go to my room?

I'm not leaving here ever.

Wait, I'm the short, broke one.

What's your secret weapon then?

- I have a bigger penis. - [LAUGHING]

Oh, I'm very happy to hear that.

- [BOTH LAUGHING] - Oh, that's wonderful.

This is awesome.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

_

Hello, Linda.

LINDA [OVER PHONE]: Hi. Um, have you seen Barb?

I'm just, I'm a little worried

- because we had a fight. -That stings.

- Okay, my turn. - Eh... Oh, that's not good.

LINDA: Yeah, it was a whopper.

And I just, I haven't heard from her.

- I mean, I'm sure she's fine. - Yeah.

LINDA: But I just, um...

[SIGHS] I don't know, I...

To be honest, I raised my voice.

- [SIGHS] There. - Uh, yeah.

No, I haven't seen her,

but no one's still come home yet. Maybe she's with the girls.

LINDA: Okay. Yeah, okay.

- Thanks. [LINDA SIGHS] - Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

Why is everyone just lounging around

with Sapphire on the run?

- I'm looking. - You sit here now.

Sit here. Go.

So, I just got off the phone to your mother.

You didn't tell her I'm here, did you?

No, I didn't tell her you're here.

I don't know why. What is going on?

Linda and I have had a difference of opinion.

You did something. What did you do?

No, don't answer that.

I do not want to know.

I need you to call her.

I will not be brought down by this.

Parenting is just constantly dealing

with nothing interesting.

The problem is that you're a pushover.

You've always been like that.

I used to walk all over you.

Honey, you gotta tell me what's going on.

You're starting to look a little unhinged.

[SIGHS] By midnight tonight,

I'll find out if I got into Juilliard.

Oh, my God, that's... That's big, babe.

That's like... That's huge.

Her whole life forks between success and obscurity.

- How didn't I know about this? - Nicholas, can we talk?

Why, did you find Sapphire?

- No. - No, of course you didn't

'cause you haven't been looking.

She's not gonna come over and introduce herself.

She's a beetle!

I know what this is about.

Barb has to go.

Nicholas, have you thought this through?

I really don't think I have.

Matilda is not getting in to Juilliard.

Yeah, she is. She's so good.

Matilda's not getting into Juilliard.

She's not getting in? Why is she not getting in?

Nobody gets in.

Because nobody gets in.

And everybody applies.

And everybody applies.

There's a house full of people

ready to watch her have a full-blown meltdown

when she finds out.

I have to get rid of them.

- You can't. - No?

No, it's too late.

I'm just looking at you hoping you'll tell me what to do.

- I'll distract them. - Okay.

We could be wrong about this.

She could end up beating the odds getting in

and then giving a TED Talk.

[SIGHS]

We could be wrong about this.

[ALEX LAUGHING]

ALEX: You know what? Nicholas doesn't let me touch his hair.

He's right not to. It's unstable.

[GASPS] That must be why he hates when I pull it.

No, don't do that. That hair cost me a fortune.

- Oh. - PENNY: Hair transplant.

[LAUGHING]

Yes. Twice. Mm-hmm.

I'm in the dressing room getting fitted for a bra

when I hear the lady tell my mom

that they "don't have anything in her size"

and we should "try our luck online."

Oh, no.

So I swiped something to get vengeance on her behalf.

A white lace teddy.

Now Linda wants me to return it and, like, go to jail.

You expect us to believe that you stole that teddy

out of some sort of vigilante justice?

Don't be ridiculous.

You stole it for yourself.

Uh, guys?

What's a teddy?

It's a sexy somethin', somethin'

you'd wear on your honeymoon.

Oh!

GENEVIEVE: Who did you think you were gonna be with that teddy?

I was just gonna stand around in it.

Teddies are not meant to be worn.

They're meant to be peeled off.

Huh.

Wait, is that why you're on the run?

[SIGHS] Linda needs a lover. Or a horse.

She has my dad.

We need to give Linda bigger problems.

We should catfish her.

That way she'll be distracted by her new lover

and leave you alone.

Did you guys not hear me?

Yeah, we heard you. We're here.

I'm just trying to come to terms with your proposal.

We need to catfish her.

I just don't know why we would.

Well, why would you catfish anyone?

'Cause, like, when they're Barb's mom,

they just, like, have to be catfished.

Like it or not, this is happening.

Oh, my.

- Am I gonna die? - We all die.

You're gonna have a torrid affair.

Only one?

Where did you get torrid from?

My intuition.

Okay.

- Matilda, babe? - Hmm?

Is there something you and Drea can do together?

I'd be open to that.

No, I can't, not now.

Barb, what does your mom look for in a man?

Help me.

I think we both know I can't stop this train.

TELLULAH: Be a "yes" person, Barb.

I literally do this all the time.

What are her interests?

Wine, and going to Cabo.

Got it. She's basic.

[CHUCKLES]

Ladies, meet Johan.

I'd really rather not.

Guys, this is my mom!

Barb.

If Linda's distracted,

she will leave you and your teddy alone.

What else does she like?

Well...

she writes Harry Potter fan fiction.

No one's supposed to know that.

Got it.

Johan, the Harry Potter fan.

You're not really gonna really send this, are you?

- Already did. - [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

GENEVIEVE: What do we do now?

We wait.

Sorry, could we get back to Linda writing fan fiction?

- Oh, yeah. - It's actually erotica.

- Oh. - My dad travels a lot.

How'd you find out?

On her computer. When I was ten.

It kind of ruined Harry Potter for me.

But, like, also sex.

Yeah, it's not been an easy life.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

- She accepted. - [GASPS]

Oh, my God.

When it comes to men, I like the mean ones,

- I've always been like that. - Hmm, yeah.

The bad boys, yeah.

Mm-hmm. And if that's your fate,

then you just have to accept it.

Nicholas' father he acted like a really nice guy but...

oh, he was mean as a cut snake, and I loved it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Is Nicholas like his dad?

He does look a bit like him but slightly melted.

He lacks the symmetry.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I can hear you.

Well, I didn't know if you were in the room or not, so...

[ALEX CHUCKLES]

Let's be on my side.

And I am, darling.

I don't think Johan would say that.

Johan will say what I tell him to say.

What's her favorite character?

Draco Malfoy.

What a curve ball.

Sometimes I like to dress up

as Draco Malfoy.

She's gonna know it's me.

[GASPS] She's writing more.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

- "So do I"? - Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Your mom dresses up as Draco Malfoy?

To Comic Con.

Honestly, I am this close to loving Linda.

Sometimes I wonder if Draco is a homosexual.

So does she!

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

I wanna be laughing.

What is it? What is it? What is it?

No, what is it?

What fresh hell are you up to?

- It's private. - We're on the Internet, it's nothing.

Yeah.

No. Barb, what is it?

[WHISPERING]: Don't you dare.

Barb, give it to me.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

We're catfishing my mom.

Oh, my God.

- In what way? - The standard way.

Pretending to be a gay Draco Malfoy

who's ready to get down.

NICHOLAS: No!

How is this helpful?

It's no big deal.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Did she reply?

She wants to meet up right away.

Linda's been very responsive.

[GIRLS SNICKERING]

No, no, no, no. This is... This is... This is... This is...

I am disappointed.

I am.

And I'm very mad.

And...

And I appreciate that it's not matching

with my tone of my voice. But why did I lie for you?

That was a ni... That was a nice thing I did, Barb,

and you've turned around

and you've catfished your own mother.

Just really needed you guys

to not be little mongrels tonight.

And you went and...

You need to be punished.

You've lost...

You've lost bedroom privileges.

Also...

You need to get yelled at, you're gonna get yelled at.

Is this you doing that?

Yes.

And it's not great.

Get up.

Let's go. Mum?

I need you to get mad for me.

I was catfished once.

It was humiliating.

He told me that he lived in Greece.

He didn't.

He said he was in love with me.

So, of course, I bought him a ticket

to come and visit me in Australia.

And then I waited at the airport all day

and he never showed up.

So then I paid a computer person to try and find him.

And it turned out that he was this fat little man

who sold used phones.

The photographs that I sent him, my God.

Everything, he had seen everything.

What you little shits have done

is just about the worst thing that you can do

to a middle-aged woman.

You gave her hope.

You humiliated her.

And you revealed her very sad hobby.

Nicholas has done nothing but run around after you,

and then you just, you threw that right back in his face.

You've cuckolded him.

You've made him look like a complete pansy

in front of the other parents. Like he's your bitch.

Now, here's what needs to happen.

He needs to feed you back to your mother

so that she can tear you apart limb by limb.

And then you get to spend the next three years of your life

sharing a house with a woman

that you sexually shamed.

Seriously? No results?

I'm really, really sorry.

Sorry, Penny.

Sorry.

This is really helping me understand

why you are the way you are.

Yeah. Yeah, I kept trying to tell you.

What? What are you doing?

We can't have sex with all these people in the house.

Why? It's not like we ever make any noise.

That's not true, sometimes...

Sometimes you mutter apologies.

- Shut up! - [KNOCK ON DOOR]

See my point?

Oh. Um, sorry.

Nicholas, I need you.

Yeah. Okay.

Matilda fell asleep and I checked her computer.

She got in.

She did what? She got in!

Nicholas, this is worse. This is worse!

This isn't worse. This is amazing!

She can't go!

Why?

Nicholas...

she can't catch a bus alone.

She's been to a city maybe twice?

I-I think twice.

Okay.

But she says she can go.

How can she know she can do this

if she's never seen it?

I think we have to lie to her and tell her she didn't get in.

Oh, we can't do that.

I mean, I'm not doing that.

Well, then, you have to tell her she did get in

but you're not letting her go.

I'm certainly not doing that.

She's scared of crowds.

She's scared of crowds in New York.

I am begging you to understand she just can't.

I hear you. I really...

really do, I just...

Look, she didn't used to be able to talk, right?

And everyone said she wasn't gonna be able to talk,

and then she worked hard and Dad worked hard, and...

now she won't shut up.

Any time people have said no to her, she's like...

supersedes their expectations.

I don't wanna be one of those people telling her no.

Just...

[SIGHS]

I can see why you think

that might be a helpful,

thoughtful thing to say,

but it is so, so stupid.

Also it's "exceeds" not "supersedes."

We just don't have a choice.

We just don't have a choice. We have to do this.

If she goes and she fails...

at least she'll have us to come back to.

If we say no to her, then...

she'll hate us and then she will have nothing.

Okay, fine.

Fine.

Do you wanna wrestle?

No.

A little wrestle.

No. Not right now.

Total hysterectomy.

It didn't hurt that much.

Just little snip, snip. [CLICKS TONGUE]

All gone.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

[SCOFFS]

I didn't expect to have this reaction.

You probably think this is quite ridiculous,

that a woman my age, would be shocked to find out

that she can't have more kids.

Sure.

And I won't be telling Malcolm because...

he doesn't know why I'm here.

I think unconsciously men like to think

that you're still fertile, and so I just let him try.

- [LAUGHS] - Oh...

But if I were you...

don't wait.

Have as many kids as you can

with any man that's stupid enough not to wear a condom.

Get the kid.

It's all that matters in the end.

Okay.

Mum, leave the kids alone.

Do we think that's a regular teenage girl thing?

- No. - We don't spoon.

No, we don't.

- Who's spooning? - Mum, I'm saying good night now.

Well, I'll see you at Christmas.

No, I'm gonna see you before then.

- I don't know that. - Okay, bye. Bye-bye.

- This is new. - This is new, isn't it?

That is new, isn't it?

It's new. Yeah.

NICHOLAS: Hey, Larry.

You eat my Sapphire?

Larry, I'm not mad.

I just want you to be honest with me.

Did you eat my Sapphire?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

I wasn't expecting this.

I didn't prepare anything.

I'm just so surprised.

When I was four,

my beautiful mother passed away.

I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.

It wasn't easy,

but I worked to overcome this adversity.

When I was 17, my dad, too, passed away.

I got here through sheer will and belief

that hard work will pay off in bountiful rewards.

Nothing in my life has come easily to me.

I'd like to thank Juilliard.

They believed in me when so few did.

Oh. This is heavier than what I was expecting.

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