Original subtitles

CECIL BICKERSTAFF: What are you going to do,

Roman, when you finish your childhood career?

Um, I'm gonna be, um, probably I would say,

Yeah, a rock-and-roll star.

LUCRETIA: And rock-and-roll star?

Yeah, or, uh maybe a security guard.

LUCRETIA: A security guard?

Hey there.

I'm Ethan Shea.

Graduate student and film director

here at Northern International College of the Americas.

In accordance with fulfilling my master's degree,

I am required to direct a documentary.

With a plethora of interesting topics to choose from--

the War on Terrorism, competitive lawn mowing,

crack addiction in Congress--

finding a subject matter became a rather daunting task.

However, everything changed when I realized we had a homegrown

topic right here at our school.

In the old walls of the Langford dorm,

I'll follow a group of resident assistants.

My film hopes to encapsulate the quixotic adventures

of one particular RA named

Roman.

Roman.

They want Roman.

I don't like that guy, he's kind of asshole.

He thinks he like, owns everybody.

I dunno.

He's just a douche.

So I just--

I dunno.

I hate him.

And he smells bad.

He's pretty bad.

We don't even want to stand next to him.

Oh my gosh.

I want to say like--

I want to say the "C" word, but I don't want to say that.

Fucker.

There are some people who are just born to do something--

he was born to keep co-eds under check.

[DRUMS PLAYING]

Jurisprudence.

That's the best word to describe this situation

we have on our hands right now.

As your RA, I try to be empathetic your collegiate

needs.

I try to give students what they want.

You know, I try to be, you know, all-encompassing,

and understanding with things.

You know, but you, sir, you're toeing the line between justice

and clemency, which puts me between a rock

and a hard place, you know.

A little like, I feel sort of, Good King Solomon--

he's got a baby and a sword, you know that story?

That's how I feel.

Like I'm cutting a baby right now.

I got nothing against you as a human person.

But I'm saying all this to say, you

need to start registering your overnight guests, all right.

It's getting a little ridiculous.

Most boys have ambitions of being an astronaut, you know,

or a baker or something.

But not me, thought.

An RA is my calling.

Like, you know the universe destined me for this job.

ROMAN: This is getting ridiculous.

There is a $50 fine.

And cash only.

So if I could, I would find a wife

and get married, have kids, and be

an RA here in the Langford dorm for the rest

of my natural life.

I'd probably need a night job or something too,

because in this one you don't really get paid money,

you know, or anything, so--

I gave you both a warning about this last week.

BOY IN BED: Roman, it's just my girlfriend.

Right.

Sorry, I got my people mixed up.

The girl he had over last week was a blonde.

Carbon copy is yours.

If you don't--

BOY IN BED: It's just--

ROMAN: Ah, take that.

They double it if you don't pay, so I suggest you pay.

BOY IN BED: Roman.

Rock and roll.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Cameras?

Did you ask about the cameras?

STUDENT 1: No, we did not.

ROMAN: You're probably wondering what are

all these cameras for, right?

STUDENT 1: No.

Well, I'll tell you.

They're doing a documentary about some of the best RAs

STUDENT 1: Cool.

ROMAN: I know, it is cool, right?

Anyways, I don't know why they would film, you know,

anyone like you people, but if they do-- don't

look directly into the camera.

It's a filmmaking note.

I'd love to stay and chat more, but I've got to show

them the rest of the dorm, so--

All right!

STUDENT 2: So, Zoco, what did you--

Well this is the old RA lounge, Houston.

Base camp, I call it.

I used to call it the wolf's lair,

but then someone told me what that meant, so I had to stop.

Anyway, this is-- we have our on-call calendar so we

know what day we're on call.

Students know to contact if there's a problem,

someone's locked out of their room or whatever.

And then we also hold some of our meetings

in here, especially with the deans and important figures.

This is where a lot of the top decisions are made.

I keep the Mardi Gras shit over there.

ETHAN: What's your philosophy as an RA?

That's a good question.

Let me answer that question with a answer.

I have incorporated two philosophies

from my favorite modern thinkers.

Jack D. Ripper from the movie Dr. Strangelove,

and Mahatma Gandhi from India.

Number one, shoot first, ask questions later.

And second, boys will be boys.

ROMAN: You know, one of biggest misnomers

that a resident assistant faces is

that we don't know how to have fun,

but I'm gonna quash that myth.

I want to introduce you to my roommate, Clement Sam Pedro.

Been my best friend from life.

First year RA.

I've been showing him the ropes, and vice versa.

He shows me the meaning of being a playboy rock and roll star,

you know.

Look here.

He might have a girl in here.

Let's find out.

Hey!

Oh, hey!

ROMAN: What do you got going on?

Oh, well, I'm actually painting my figurines.

Uh huh.

All right.

We will let you.

So, I'm showing them the dorm.

CLEMENT: You know, I'm excited.

I'm really excited to be an RA.

I'm excited for this year.

You know, all my life I thought I was a natural born leader.

I'm very eloquent, I inspire good stuff.

So naturally, when I lost the student presidential elections

I thought, being an RA is the next best thing.

I am John.

I am Director of student services here at NICA.

I've been here about 12 years.

I'm in charge of the RAs in all the dorms.

So you pretty much take care of more serious offenses

and then day-to-day operations.

Roman?

Yeah, he's strict.

Takes his job very seriously, that's for sure.

But, off the record, in all the years I've been here,

I've never seen a cleaner, safer, more organized,

efficient dorm.

What can I say?

The son of a bitch gets results.

ROMAN: Did they say what happened?

CLEMENT: They didn't say anything.

All they said was that she was passed out.

ROMAN: We got a girl, you know, out, upstairs.

We don't know what it is.

But, you know, Luckily, as RAs we are trained in all

the various resuscitative arts.

ROMAN: I touched her boob.

CLEMENT: It's OK.

GIRL STUDENT 1: Just save her!

ROMAN: Come back!

One, two, three, four, five!

CLEMENT: She sounds delirious, man.

She sounds like really delirious.

BOY STUDENT: We were just talking, and she fell.

PREMED STUDENT: Just fell?

GIRL STUDENT:

ROMAN: My theory is brown acid.

She took the bad brown--

PREMED STUDENT: She's in diabetic shock.

Where's her purse?

CLEMENT: Diabetes?

ROMAN: Oh, she's got the diabetes.

Wilford Brimley warned us about such things.

Give me that, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Actually, I don't.

Look up on WebMD how I do this.

CLEMENT: Here you go.

ROMAN: Give me your phone!

Here, I've got to look this up.

GIRL STUDENT: Oh my gosh, you need to hurry.

ROMAN: Shut up!

You insert the needle in the inner thigh.

The crest of the buttock, or two inches from the navel fat flab.

CLEMENT: What's a flab?

ROMAN: I don't know, let's go with the crest of the buttocks.

CLEMENT: OK.

ROMAN: Help me flip this bitch over.

Here we go.

All right.

If there was a suppository of insulin.

BOY STUDENT: Just like in Pulp Fiction.

ROMAN: Like what?

BOY STUDENT: Pulp Fiction.

ROMAN: What's a pulp fiction?

GIRL STUDENT: The movie.

GIRL STUDENT 2: You haven't seen it?

GIRL STUDENT: It doesn't matter.

Fiction?

ROMAN: It's about an orange or something?

CLEMENT: Just grab the needle with both hands,

and plunge it straight into her heart.

ROMAN: Her heart?

CLEMENT: Yes.

Like a vampire killer.

ROMAN: All right, like right in here?

CLEMENT: Yeah.

Right here.

ROMAN: All right.

Here we go.

And one, and-a-two and--

[SIRENS]

CLEMENT: Unadulterated hatred by the student

body at large towards an RA is probably the mark of a good RA.

And in that respect, I really don't know if Roman

knows just how good he is.

Being an RA in this building of Langford is an honor.

It's a privilege.

Some of the best men to ever soil God's green Earth

have come before me, and I can only hope to aspire.

I mean, there's RD Regalado.

There's Frankie McCandless back in '29.

And then, uh, Rajalahin Bahatnagar.

You know, so I emulate their lives.

You know, and of course the greatest

RA, I think everybody would agree, to ever exist,

was my dad.

So that's what it's about.

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: Now, on to cutbacks.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: According to records, all of the kids

that work as RAs get full paid tuition plus room and board.

Is that correct?

DAVID DEAN: It's standard.

BOARD MEMBER KIMMER: We just need to face reality here,

people.

We are not getting the donations from the alums

that we once were.

BOARD MEMBER DRAKE: Two of the four Langford RAs

have to got at the end of the year.

JOHN: This is how some of them do their work study, being RAs.

How are they going to pay for college?

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: Now, the real question

is, is there anyone that you can think

of that shouldn't be an RA?

BOARD MEMBER CASEY: Anyone?

ROMAN: What up, NICA Freshmen?

How we doing?

CLEMENT: Yo, yo, yo, NICA.

Ya'll ready to get crazy?

ROMAN: I can't hear you!

That's better.

All right. 'Fore we tell you about all the rules

around this place, you know, the crib, and how

to live here and everything, got some

'nouncements to throw at you.

Firstly, there is a tan Buick with it's headlights on.

I don't know if they's automatic,

but you might want to check on that.

CLEMENT: Wicky Wicky.

ROMAN: I remember reading in Plato's Republic once,

and he was talking about all the necessary workers

in order for a society to function properly.

And I noticed not once did he mention RAs.

ROMAN: All right.

Now, I can see the look on everybody's faces.

You thinking, "I won't ever remember

the rules around here."

But that's what we're here for today.

As your RAs, we're going to teach you about the rules

around this crib.

Yo, DJ spin that truth!

Press play, kid!

On the radio.

There.

Stupid.

CLEMENT: It's a tiny school with a swimming pool

ROMAN: And on-site police if you're acting a fool.

CLEMENT: I'm a baller on the court,

ROMAN/CLEMENT: And doin' a report, at NICA for short,

but they say we all is crazy.

Uh, Uh, Uh, NICA you so crazy.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, NICA you so crazy.

CLEMENT: And don't be afraid to come

us if you've got a problem.

We're always here to help you find a solution.

Yo, Roman!

ROMAN: What's up, Buddy?

CLEMENT: True story.

My girl got pregnant.

ROMAN: With a baby?

CLEMENT: Word.

Guess I'm gonna have to quit school and go find a job.

ROMAN: Player, check this.

You can get half you're tuition reimbursed if you withdraw

from classes by October 11.

CLEMENT: Church!

ROMAN: Break it down now.

ROMAN: In my opinion, the perfect echelon of a society

would go: artisans, cooks, doctors,

the military, lawyers, RA.

ETHAN: Why?

ROMAN: Why?

Well, on a college setting, we maintain order.

We promote scholasticism.

We issue out vacuums, and other assorted cleaning items

as needs be.

So arguably, we're more important to a college

than professors.

Or at least the students.

If I am on duty, and you know Shawn is my back up,

I think he needs a backup, as well, if there's

an emergency or something.

SHAWN: So you mean like a backup to the backup?

It's not like we don't have lives outside of being RAs.

I'm not saying that you don't.

We know that you don't.

We've been RAs for two years.

I mean, I like the job.

We just may not take it to the extreme.

No, not like,.. you know.

[CAMERA SHUTTER]

Oh, God!

What the fuck?

ROMAN: This needs to get down to the chem lab ASAP.

Say R. Bickerstaff sent you, tell Beckel he owes me a favor.

Here, you take it.

Let me get over there.

CLEMENT: Hey guys, check this out.

There's a footprint in the shit stain.

ROMAN: He's right.

Hey, let me get some scale in there.

This looks like a Alabama truck stop in here.

SHAWN: Disgusting.

ROMAN: What size do you think that is?

Maybe 10, 10 1/2.

CLEMENT: 11, somewhere in there.

At least they managed to get some in the toilet.

ROMAN: Caucasian male, primary suspect.

Based on the roundness.

Anal size.

Let me ask you a question: If you were spewing shit and puke

out of every orifice of your body from here to Calcutta,

where would you go when you were done?

Let's get inside the mind of the shitter.

CLEMENT: Well, I don't know but there is definitely

signs of a struggle here.

ROMAN: Do You think?

Frats up to it again?

CLEMENT: We might have to bring in the pepper spray.

Guys, guys, guys.

I think somebody just got really drunk, crapped and puked

and then left.

You know, he might--

he might be right.

The simplest explanation as Occam's Razor

says is, you know, the--

CLEMENT: Always count your chickens.

ROMAN: Something like that.

I wouldn't say we've subdivided

into two teams of RAs.

Roman and Clement, and Sean and I.

We just feel it's better if we not work together.

This isn't just a job, Sean.

As Roman says, it's a lifestyle.

The problem is there are too many students and too few RAs.

Yeah, there's like 750 guys in this dorm and only four RAs.

He brings up an interesting point that I

would like to touch upon.

Decibel levels.

What do you mean?

I mean, at what point are you guys saying,

you know, to people when they're watching television,

you know, hey fellas!

It's getting a little loud.

I remember the homeschooler crowd

got really rough after they were watching the spelling

bee finals on ESPN.

ROMAN: Mm-hmm.

Well, I would just nicely ask them to turn it down.

That's a simple--

CLEMENT: Yeah, but then they got into a scrap

about the origin of the word synagogue,

which is surprisingly not Yiddish.

ROMAN: There's basically two types of RAs.

And the dichotomy can be traced all

the way back to ancient Greece with Aristotle and Julius

Caesar.

You're either the quote "cool RA" --

you turn your head at even the most egregious offenses.

Or you do what's right, and uphold the law.

The latter certainly doesn't make

you popular with many people.

But I didn't take this job to be popular.

I have plenty of friends.

Other schools, various chat rooms.

Tebowfan21 and I have never been closer.

JOHN: And that goes for all of you.

Make sure that any guests that plan to say overnight

are properly registered.

We don't want another incident like we had

on St. Patrick's Day last year.

All right.

So this is what's going to happen.

Langford and Canterbury are going

to merge into one coed dorm.

We will be hiring two RAs from Canterbury, and two of you

for next year.

DREW: Will it still be full tuition?

JOHN: Yes, Drew, there'll still be full tuition.

SHAWN: So who's gonna be the RAs for next year?

JOHN: Well we haven't decided that yet.

That will be decided at the end of the term.

Well, I mean objectively speaking,

who's more qualified than I am?

I mean, I can't imagine what rubrics, what guideline,

is going to make such a decision.

JOHN: The factors that we're going to use include grades,

which will be very important, faculty input, conversations

with members of the board.

There will be a number of factors that we will consider.

But still, I mean, Clement and I--

I mean, that's--

I've been here five years, OK?

I'm a goddamn legacy around here.

CLEMENT: He has seniority.

DREW: There are other RAs that this is important to.

ROMAN: Fuck them.

Oh, you mean you.

SEAN: If they pick Bickerstaff at the end of the year,

that's it.

I'm transferring.

You have to understand, this school is $45,000 a year.

Which is a lot.

And right now, all that's paid for.

For now.

And if Bickerstaff...

Oh, fuck, I hate--

ROMAN: You know, Sean and Drew, they

moan and complain all the time about money and everything.

Scholarships and stuff.

And to me, it's never been about the money or tuition

or having things paid for for me.

Being an RA is an honor.

It's a privilege.

There's 14,796 rules in this book.

You think I memorized them for fun?

I mean, really, Bickerstaff, nobody even him likes him.

Maybe John.

But nobody other than John.

I know.

Stupid brunette, Sonny Crocket haircut.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

ETHAN: So what was Roman like when he was younger?

LUCRETIA: Well, he took life very seriously as a child.

Everything was always structured.

He was a bit quirky to say the least.

And we always thought it was weird that he

had this affinity for NPR.

Even as a toddler.

ROMAN: Roman.

Yeah, I remember him.

He used to come over and play with our granddaughter.

They liked to play doctor.

Never lasted very long, though.

He had trouble with her HMOs.

BENNY: I just hated that little snotty-nosed bastard.

RUBY: Well, he didn't like you, either

BENNY: I know that.

LUCRETIA: This is Roman's old room.

I keep a few things of his around.

ETHAN: What did Roman like to do?

LUCRETIA: Well, books were essential to him.

Actually, this is one of his favorites right here.

ETHAN: Favorite, like, bedtime story?

LUCRETIA: We'd read it every night.

Sometimes we'd read it twice a night.

ETHAN: Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God?

He'd fall asleep to this?

ETHAN: Roman has somewhat of a reputation for being strict.

How does that come into play?

LUCRETIA: Well, you know, he could only be really silly,

be a kid, when he was with his brother.

YOUNG ROMAN: Open up you masked, cape crusade-- bad guys.

CHRISTOPHER: Shotgun Shane, Joker?

CHRISTOPHER: I'll tell a riddle, OK?

YOUNG ROMAN: OK.

CHRISTOPHER: Now, see, when I point to you, you just say,

"Are you taking the bus."

OK?

YOUNG ROMAN: OK.

CHRISTOPHER: I'm going to New York City today.

Why?

Uh, because they have a play.

OK--

YOUNG ROMAN: Are you taking a bus?

YOUNG ROMAN: [GIBBERISH SINGING]

LUCRETIA: After the accident, he changed.

He really changed.

LUCRETIA: Roman loved his father.

Loved him.

Idolized him.

ETHAN: Where's Roman's father now?

LUCRETIA: Roman's dad was driving the car

the night of the accident.

Roman, they said, was holding him

when the paramedics got there.

He was four.

Roman just can't seem to come to terms with what happened.

It's probably my fault. I let him remain oblivious.

When you ask him, he can't remember anything.

And I think vicariously he's following

in his father's footsteps being an RA, which is scary.

But what's really scary is how he

comes up with his own idea about what happened to his father.

You know, my dad died in the line of duty as an RA

at Langford.

Speculation was, it was a shoot out of sorts with the mafia,

but you know there were never any bullets or bodies

to confirm or deny it.

So I feel it is my job, though, as his son,

to carry on his legacy.

You know, as an RA in Langford.

So I'm not that--

I'm not much of, not much of anything,

but I'm getting cold, guys.

Let's see.

When did I meet Roman?

I think I was about six years old when I first met him.

So that would have made him something like eleven.

And that was at the troubled youth center in Astoria.

ETHAN: Would you say Clement and Roman were always best friends?

LUCRETIA: More like family.

Very close from moment they met.

Every waking moment they were together.

ETHAN: What was the attraction?

What made them so close?

LUCRETIA: Clement kind of filled a void in Roman's life,

as a brother.

Yeah.

CLEMENT: One, two, three!

I don't think Roman could do anything

without Clement being around.

They did everything together when they were kids.

Doctor visits, dentists.

Well, I caught Clement doing something weird with Roman one

time in the bedroom.

Didn't know what we're doing.

They were shuffling papers and looking guilty.

And I walked in there and thought they were smoking

marijuana and masturbating.

Come to find out, they were just in there

working on their taxes.

Clement wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for Roman.

He kind of gets dragged around by Roman, like--

there was a guy who hangs out with Charlie Brown.

The one who always has the blanket with him.

Linus.

Yeah.

Clement is like Linus's blanket.

So, we're just hanging out.

Uh, we like to swim.

Unwind.

Don't let this guy fool you.

In high school we called him the human dolphin.

Show them what you do.

He will be down there for seven minutes.

He's got a little blow hole.

Sometimes I give him sardines when he does the trick right.

CLEMENT: Was it good?

ROMAN: It was awesome, man.

I wanted to talk to you.

Shoot.

The RA position for next year.

Shoot again.

I just wanted to let you know, I'm pulling for you.

I am not gay.

What?

I mean, I--

if I drink a little bit beforehand--

Roman, what the hell are you talking about?

What do you mean by "pulling" and "wink"?

I mean, I want you to get the job.

Oh, thank God.

OK.

The decision is not entirely up to me.

In my opinion, you are a great RA.

You make my job a lot easier.

So we've got 300 prospective students coming--

I'm going to put you in charge of it.

Good call.

Do tours.

Whatever.

Get as many of them signed up as possible.

You're the ambassador.

You're going to be the face of the university.

So I'm counting on you.

I'll do what I can.

Rock and roll.

I'm not gay.

Thank God.

I mean, I had, you know, one brief encounter, but--

OK, I think we're done for the day.

All right.

I gotta go.

All right.

Go on.

I bet they'll get rid of you guys next.

Whoa.

Us?

You're an RA.

I've been here the longest.

OK, what about Clement?

Yeah?

What about Clement?

DREW: He's a first year.

He's my best friend.

He's not going anywhere.

So what?

You're just invincible?

That's right.

I'm Roman Bickerstaff.

Don't you forget it.

Don't you forget it, either.

I'm going to be here long after you guys

are in the cold, cold grave.

You OK, Roman?

ROMAN: My Achilles.

CLEMENT: Grades are going to be a big issue

for Roman getting the RA job.

I mean I've let my grades slip, but I'm

still sitting around a 3.8.

Roman, however, I mean--

we live in a society where grading

systems act as a qualification for all sorts of jobs.

And sometimes Roman just gets so absorbed in his work

that he forgets he's at school.

I mean, come on-- the guy got an F in photography.

That's a gimme class.

ROMAN: Professor David?

PROF.

DAVID: Roman.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

ROMAN: Thank you.

I wanted to talk to you about the papers you

handed back in class yesterday.

Mine has no grade--

PROF.

DAVID: Yeah.

ROMAN: It just says, "see me."

PROF.

DAVID: Yeah, well, it was very, too--

it was very colloquial.

ROMAN: Thank you very much.

You know, my mother, she always often would tell me

I have a very colloquial nature.

Roman, that's not a compliment.

You spoke very lifelike, but there was no scholarly pursuit

to the language.

Uh, hmm.

Would you be able to show me an example of what--

I don't know-- I'm drawing a blank

on what you're saying here.

Yeah, right here.

"Caligula is estimated by researchers to have gotten more

ass than a dentist's chair.

I think I know how he feels, because I too am a Roman."

Bit of humor.

You know, all great columnists do it.

I mean, I think if you-- it's very Dave Barry if you ask me.

This isn't the column in the Times.

It's a class in ancient to medieval ethics.

I can make corrections, or--

No, that's not the issue at hand.

You're going to need the faculty support for this RA position

we all know you're seeking.

What I mean is, the school board is going to ask for our opinion

on whether or not you should be an RA.

And quite frankly, your grades don't reflect

someone who could be an RA.

Is this about money, or something?

No.

This seems, uh, very--

No, I think this filming is probably getting

in the way of your studying.

OK, let me stop you right there.

First of all, I didn't ask these people--

these documentarians, this Ethan--

you know.

I didn't ask them to film me, to seek me out.

But here we are.

Did you sign a release?

Because they can't put you into the film

unless you sign a release.

Roman.

Roman, just bring your grades up.

ROMAN: Yeah.

I'll get my grades up, you teacher.

PROF.

LUNDERGAARD: I think what is so mind-boggling about Roman

to me is his lack of realization.

His aptitude for bulldozing anyone, any time.

He's like if you cross Vlad the Impaler

with Pee-wee Herman.

I don't know whether to take him serious or not.

An essay by a sophomore named Roman.

The class, 19th century American literature.

Listen to this title: "Tom and Huck,

Couldn't They Just Get a Room?

An In-depth Look at Homoeroticism in Mark Twain."

I keep this around whenever I need a laugh.

CLEMENT: Roman?

Who's that?

I don't know.

ROMAN: Hey.

Hi.

ROMAN: Hi.

Hi.

Are you poor?

No.

I mean, it's just, you're gorgeous

and you're working in a cafeteria.

Thanks.

I mean, every penny counts, right?

I'm Roman.

I'm an RA.

Hi, I'm Katie.

I'm a cafeteria worker.

I know it's weird, but that's cool.

Uh, they're making a movie about me.

Actually you can't be in the shot until you sign a release.

KATIE: Oh.

OK.

ROMAN: Um, Do you want to go on a date with me?

KATIE: Um, uh, no.

Please?

Um, OK.

Cool.

I'll pay for half of everything.

Um...

Here.

Would you hold this until the cameras are gone?

ROMAN: Chick said yeah, Clement.

CLEMENT: Cool.

KATIE: Who hasn't been on a pity date before?

I mean, Roman seems nice.

He could use a haircut, and maybe a shower.

ROMAN: We're going to take the added

attention today of getting the old girl sparkling again.

John wants us to get the dorm ready.

You get 700 some odd guys living together

and the place can turn into a dump pretty quick.

CLEMENT: The warts on my feet are just awful right now.

[LOUDSPEAKER SIREN]

ROMAN: Greetings, everyone.

I am Roman Bickerstaff, I am an RA here at Langford dorm,

here at Northern Illinois College of the Americas.

Up here with me are my cohorts, my sergeants

in arms, my companions.

Clement San Pedro, my best friend.

And the others.

What we're going to do today is show you the dorm,

and take you on a tour and show you

what it looks like around here.

The rooms and everything.

And then we want you to sign something

that says, "I wanna come here."

CLEMENT: You're gonna love this school.

ROMAN: It's a great school. it's fun.

It's open-minded.

Progressive in some ways.

You know, it's a good place.

It's a good place to go to school.

You know, 60 years ago, you know,

guys like you might not have got accepted, but--

CLEMENT: Rest assured, we did integrate.

We got that down.

ROMAN: First they put the euphemisms down

in the basement.

You know, out of sight, out of mind was the idea,

but then slowly they brought them up into the light of day.

DREW: Roman!

SHAWN: OK, Roman.

That's enough.

ROMAN: Yeah, that's enough.

But, you're all welcome, and it looks good on brochures.

Yeah.

Let's go ahead and start with the tour.

All right.

Everybody follow me!

CLEMENT: Whoo!

ROMAN: Interesting tidbit: before this building

was purchased as a dormitory, the state

used it as a maximum security ward for an insane asylum.

They stored all the criminally deranged around here.

We found an old severed toe.

CLEMENT: Yeah.

And Roger Corman-- he actually made a movie about this place

in the sixties.

SHAWN: All right, guys.

This is one of our study rooms.

We have plenty of them on campus,

but this is just one of the one's that we

have in our building here.

ROMAN: This is also the spot my dad was killed.

Shot dead right here.

True story.

So here's to you, old man.

Rest in peace.

Here we go.

Onwards!

And upwards!

STUDENT: Is he like a ghost?

Not everything we do as an RA is

from an authoritative standpoint.

We discipline as a father would, yes.

But sometimes it pays to be sensitive, like a mother.

Sometimes a guy will come in the room, [KNOCKING ON TABLE]

"Roman, my girlfriend broke up with me.

My heart, it hurts.

It hurts so bad."

You know, that's when the psychologist of an RA

has to come out of you.

You know, and you say things like, "It'll be OK," you know,

"plenty of fish in the sea," "quit crying like a fag,"

you know.

And you send them on their way.

PROSPECTIVE STUDENT: How do you know your way around here?

Everything looks the same.

Accommodation is the key to success in life, son.

You learn that, you can learn anything.

All right.

Now, gather on up here.

Now, to give you guys an idea of what the rooms look like,

I want to show you one of our showrooms, OK?

Give you the dimensions and everything.

STUDENT: Get the fuck out!

Get the fuck out!

CLEMENT: Actually that would be our showroom.

ROMAN: Yeah, right.

Everything does kind of look a little the same.

I usually walk from that end of the hall.

Go on in if you want to take a look at our showroom in here,

see what we got.

That guy was putting the screws to her.

Bickerstaff, why is every fucking thing with you

a travesty?

ROMAN: What are you talking about?

The shit you pulled back there with the tour group.

ROMAN: We're just doing a tour, man.

Who cares?

It's just showing them things.

CLEMENT: Wee trying to get them excited about the school.

DREW: Guys, we'll split up the groups.

You guys will take half, we'll take half.

Easy.

We'll split up.

Fuck the both of you.

I don't have a key.

I don't have my key on me.

ROMAN: I left my key inside.

OK, yeah--

CLEMENT: Those dick holes.

Now, here is the old washroom.

It's a little, a little dirty, a little funky smelling,

but it gets the job done.

It'll get your clothes clean.

Uh, that's actually not true.

Yeah... no, no.

ROMAN: I'm not gonna lie.

It's $4.75 a load.

And what I do is, I take my stuff up to this Chinaman

up the road.

He gets my stuff looking, you know,

better than when I bought it.

Actually this washer right here will put rust

stains in all of your clothes.

And actually the rest of them don't even start.

Yeah, what I do, is I give it a couple

of the old American engineer, and they'll start.

Holy Jesus!

Look at that!

Whoa!

That is biggest bag of-- look at that!

That's a lot of pot.

I know.

Who would've thought?

That's Mississippi Quiver.

JIM: Well, some startling news for you tonight.

If you're the parent of a college student,

you often worry about your son or daughter being

peer pressured with drugs.

But at Northern Illinois College of the Americas,

smoking marijuana is as common as going to class.

And most of the students are fine with it.

Our own Janice Mason has more.

JANICE: Jim, The Blazing Gazette has

named Northern Illinois College of the Americas

the 4:20 school of the year.

And rightfully so.

Eight out of ten students here support

the legalization of marijuana.

Most of us just don't really see the big deal.

Other states have already decriminalized it.

JANICE: As I said, most NICA students

are in favor of decriminalization,

however there is one student here

that thinks the best deterrent is a harsher punishment.

The school sort of has a slap on the wrist policy

if you're caught with marijuana.

In Tehran, if you get high, they'll cut your genitals off.

Find the balance.

JOHN: 300 kids came through the dorm

last week, In Drew and Shawn's group, 61 turned

in applications for next year.

Guess how many your group got.

73.

82.

81.

Well that's cheap.

You can't go lower than me.

I'll do whatever I want.

80.

This isn't The Price is Right.

Here, let me tell you.

Two!

So what do you think the problem was?

Tough crowd?

No, Clement, the problem wasn't the crowd.

It may have been that you were found

with a garbage bag full of marijuana in front

of the students and parents.

John, buddy.

Put yourself into the scenario.

I mean, we're there.

You know, we find it.

We grab it.

You know, what would you have done?

Not drawn attention to it.

We're in a position where we're trying to promote the school,

and you're scaring people off with a giant bag of doob.

You need to start using your head.

ROMAN: I can't find my black shirt anywhere.

ETHAN: Are you worried about getting the RA job?

Why would I be worried about that?

I'd be more worried about getting

trampled by an albino rhino or something like that.

ETHAN: Well, they could the job to Shawn or Drew.

ROMAN: Ethan, right now all I'm thinking about

is getting my pork pulled.

CLEMENT: Roman, should you really be going out on a date

right now?

It's Katie, man.

It's Katie.

CLEMENT: So you're in love with her?

Oh, brother.

Sometimes you just know someone is the one.

You feel it.

I don't know if she spells her name with a Y or an I-E, but--

I think I'm in love with this bitch.

ETHAN: How long have you been dating?

ROMAN: This is our first date actually, officially.

But we've been getting some quality

minutes in, hallways and--

saw her in a gas station once buying a burrito.

Cameras you might not be able to come, though, because this girl

might-- she's gonna, "Roman!"

You know, and then in the backseat of the--

doing some of this.

Some, you know, here.

And then the-- this thing.

And ahhh.

That's what could happen.

Hey!

Can I borrow your car?

CLEMENT: [GROANING]

ROMAN [LAUGHING]: So he said to the pawnbroker,

"How much for the dead--

How much for the dead Sheltie?"

KATIE: You're insane.

ROMAN: I make myself laugh.

I wonder where our sandwiches are?

I'm hungry.

[SNORTING] I'm going to make myself pee.

[SNORTING] I'm going to make myself pee.

ROMAN: So that was fun tonight, huh?

KATIE: Yeah, um, I guess.

ROMAN: Did you like the food?

It's fancy.

KATIE: It was-- it was fine.

ROMAN: Yeah, Greasy Joe makes one

hell of a pulled pork sandwich.

KATIE: Hmm.

ROMAN: You want a little music?

KATIE: I'm OK.

Don't worry about it.

ROMAN: Oh, it's good for setting the, uh, mood.

KATIE: That's OK.

So you and, uh--

you and Clement must be pretty good friends.

ROMAN: Clement?

Oh, he's the best.

He's like a little brother and best friend all rolled up

in one chubby little package.

KATIE: It's just, uh., kind of awkward

having him here right now.

ROMAN: Gotcha.

Hey, Clement, would you mind giving us a few minutes?

CLEMENT: Sure thing, Roman.

ROMAN: All right.

CLEMENT: Just honk a couple of times

when you've done the deed.

ROMAN: Oh, it shouldn't take too long.

KATIE: What?

[CAR DOOR SLAMMING]

KATIE: What?

ROMAN: Is that better?

KATIE: Uh, no.

It's still pretty awkward.

ROMAN: You know, Katie, I have been having the most

stressful week imaginable.

You couldn't even begin to comprehend--

grades, the RA thing that's going on right now.

I found an ingrown hair on my ball the size of a globe.

KATIE: That's beyond disgusting.

ROMAN: It's a horrible way to start your day, you're right.

Look.

[ZIPPER NOISE]

KATIE: What was that?

Oh, my God.

ROMAN: What?

KATIE: Stop.

ROMAN: What?

KATIE: That's so disgusting.

Roman!

God.

Hey!

CLEMENT: Why'd she run away like that?

ROMAN: I don't know.

I showed her that ingrown hair, you know that one I

showed you this morning?

Girls just can't handle that medical type shit.

CLEMENT: Yeah, I know.

ROMAN: Sensitive stomach.

DEAN: We know that pot's going to be found on campus.

It's not like we're naive.

ROMAN: It's a nationwide epidemic.

JOHN: But this last batch that was

found, it makes us think that there

are some serious narcotics dealings going on, on campus.

ROMAN: I don't like to throw this word around,

but trafficking.

CLEMENT: I always found it very mellowing

and calming on my nerves.

But it took me damn near forever to get off of it.

I really don't like when people say it's not addictive.

I would kill every single person in this room

right now just for one toke.

We got really suspicious when all

we heard coming from his bedroom was Dave

Matthews Band all the time.

And we were always out of paper clips and cookies.

CLEMENT: Look, if you find any amount on campus,

you need to call us.

DEAN: Guys, I know in the past, you probably

found a small amount, and you've thrown it away,

but the school is taking a zero tolerance stance from here

on out.

That's expulsion in all cases.

So a dime-sized bag can get someone expelled?

Yes, that's the new policy.

SHAWN: That seems a little harsh, doesn't it?

DEAN: All things considered, no it does not.

JOHN: This is a school, not Woodstock.

Look at his shirt.

ROMAN: Thank you all for coming today.

Each one of you has a special skill,

and I have personally selected you to serve

on my investigation squad.

What?

Us and Clement?

ROMAN: Yes.

SHAWN: It's not really a squad.

ROMAN: What do you mean?

Four is not a squad.

ROMAN: Sure it is.

Plus, you know, it'll look better for the cinema.

It's not a squad.

ROMAN: Well, we'll pull out a dictionary later, all right?

Right now we have a bigger issue at hand.

Pot.

Marijuana.

For more on this subject, I'd like to turn things over

to Special Agent Sam Pedro.

Clement, if you please.

CLEMENT: Thank you very much, Roman.

And thank you all gentlemen for coming this evening.

I just wanted to give a brief demonstration

on the subject at hand.

Pot.

Marijuana.

Which has been known to be rolled up into cigarettes

and smoked in devices such as pipes or bongs.

Street hooks for marijuana: weed, Greta, Aunt Mary,

Bellyando Spruce, Boo Boo Bamma.

SHAWN: I'm sorry, what exactly are you planning here?

ROMAN: That is an excellent question.

We're thinking of a three tiered approach.

Infiltrate, imitate, intimidate.

The three Is.

We started off with installing a rudimentary Patriot Act.

CLEMENT: Code name: Project Nugent.

SHAWN: Please, let's not do anything

grossly unconstitutional here.

ROMAN: Well, they did sign away some of their civil liberties

when they came to NICA.

SHAWN: OK.

You know what?

Roman, good luck.

Let me know how everything goes.

DREW: You guys have fun.

ROMAN: They go at the top of the suspect list.

Done.

ROMAN: I liked your presentation, by the way.

CLEMENT: Thank you, Roman.

ROMAN: We're doing a little stakeout, surveillance today.

Clement and I think it needs to be done.

It I'll be missing my English and sociology, but it's--

hey.

CLEMENT: Hey.

ROMAN: Did you get the supplies?

CLEMENT: Oh, yeah.

ROMAN: What have we got here?

CLEMENT: Got some num nums.

ROMAN: Good.

Nutrient stuff.

That's--

CLEMENT: Agua to keep us going.

ROMAN: Hydration.

CLEMENT: And, uh--

I got these binoculars from my nephew.

They're from the commando adventure playset.

ROMAN: Are they plastic?

CLEMENT: Yeah, but they work all right.

ROMAN: Yeah, you're right.

They're not bad.

Rock and roll.

Oh, shit this is a dead end.

CLEMENT: Yeah, what's in that backpack?

ROMAN: I don't know.

CLEMENT: Could be drugs.

Or textbooks.

ROMAN: Could be drugs in his textbook.

ROMAN: So then the professor looked at me

and he said, "It's Immanuel Kant.

Kant!

With an A."

And I said, "Well, how have I been saying it?

"And he said, "With a U!"

And I said, "Well, that's your problem, buddy."

ROMAN: We've got a little sting operation going here.

We got Clement out there.

He's gonna try to make a sale-- he's gonna

fist bump if he makes the sale.

So, I know he's kind of standing there a little prostitute-like

at the moment.

See if he can work some charm.

Got someone walking up there.

See what a-- hey, man, how's it going?

Uh oh, we might--

do we got something here?

Do we got a little talking?

Play it cool, man.

Play it cool.

That was a hand--

they just shook hands.

You know what, I didn't see a fist bump.

Oh, he bumped him.

He bumped him.

That was a bump.

Come back here you son of a bitch!

Oh, we got you.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, where you going?

Where you going?

He cut across the field.

He cut across the field.

Hey!

ROMAN: He's going right.

He's turning right!

He's going upstairs, second floor!

Here we go.

Here we go.

I got him.

I got him.

Oh, he tricked us.

He's going back down.

He tricked us.

He's going back up!

Son of a bitch.

CLEMENT: I can't keep up with this!

ROMAN: He's in shape!

He's in shape!

Where'd he go?

CLEMENT: Oh!

He went this way, he went this way!

ROMAN: We got you, chump.

Hey, hey that's school property.

You don't own that.

There we go.

There we go.

We got him.

Where'd he go?

CLEMENT: He veered right.

ROMAN: Where'd he go?

CLEMENT: He veered right.

ROMAN: Stay on him!

We'll head him off at the pass!

CLEMENT: I don't know what that means!

ROMAN: Get out of my way!

PROFESSOR: Excuse me, there is a class going on here.

ROMAN: Official RA business, lady!

Get back.

Shhh.

[SCREAMING] Got him!

No one gets away from Roman Bickerstaff.

No one!

CLEMENT: I think-- I think you knocked him out.

ROMAN: Damn straight.

Hey, Ethan, I need a release.

I want to make sure that gets in, that was

a pretty bitchin' take-down.

ROMAN: [SIGHING] Water?

I'm not the enemy here.

I'm your friend.

I'm here to help, all right?

I would say the best thing you could do right now

for yourself is be compliant.

So you smoked a little grass.

So you sold a little grass.

Big whoop, right?

We're both men of the world, we know how this thing works.

Tell you what, you tell me where you get the stuff from, we'll

call it even steven, all right?

There's no sense in making it harder on yourself.

Heh?

Let's work together on this one.

Where'd you get the stuff.

Not gonna talk?

All right.

I'm a patient guy.

I can wait.

I can sit here all night...

just waiting.

Tell me where you got that fucking shit from!

Tell me right now!

I tried to be nice.

Do things the hard way, huh?

I can do it the hard way.

Play your game.

This is gonna be one tough nut to crack.

CLEMENT: Yeah, are you sure we couldn't

call the cops on this one?

ROMAN: I got a few ideas.

Let me try them first.

Get this little kitten to purr.

Do what we gave, uh, what was his name--

Noriega, back in the eighties.

CLEMENT: Right.

ROMAN: Try some of that.

CLEMENT: I'm gonna go make a pot of coffee.

ROMAN: That's a good idea, we'll be here a while.

Oh, yeah.

He's sweating.

Oh yeah, yeah, it's over.

It's done.

You're finished.

Give me that.

Your friend's in there right now.

He's naming names.

He's singing like a canary.

He named you.

You're-- What the hell happened?

The automatic lights.

Automatic lights went out.

OK, there's someone in there, and they know what you did.

Buying the pot.

Selling the pot.

Smoking the pot.

Hang on one second.

[GURGLING NOISES]

ROMAN: That's enough.

Now, it's the last time I'm gonna ask.

Where did you get the marijuana?

DRUG STUDENT: I don't know!

It was a short guy.

Shawn, had glasses.

ROMAN: Short guy Shawn with glass--

Shawn.

DRUG STUDENT: I think he's an RA or something.

ROMAN: Shawn the RA.

Are you sure?

DRUG STUDENT: Yes.

ROMAN: You're not making this up?!

DRUG STUDENT: No, he's a fucking RA!

ROMAN: I got a make, uh, a couple of calls.

All right?

You did good, fella.

Well, this has been a very weird day for all of us.

I think we can all appreciate the gravity of the situation.

ROMAN: Can I just say though, for the record, and you could

write this down if you want--

I didn't really care for Shawn.

I think I speak for him when I say he

thought you were a fuck stick.

Yeah, but only one of us has a class two felony on our hands

right now.

Roman, sold a little pot.

Big deal!

ROMAN: Hey, as RAs, we're not above the law,

we're not beneath the law.

We're, you know, gang-banged in the middle like--

JOHN: All right.

Enough, both of you.

This has been a black day on our dorm and our school,

but we still have jobs to do.

Don't lose sight of that.

Now there are only three of you.

That means more work, and it also

means, for making our decision next year, that each of you

are going to be under the microscope.

ROMAN: Well, one Shawn down and one Drew to go.

CLEMENT: Mathematically speaking our odds did just go up.

ROMAN: Hell yeah, we look like a couple of goddamn choir boys

right now.

I'd say we earned some lunch.

DREW: Hey, Roman, wait up.

ROMAN: What.

DREW: I know you think you're hot shit right now,

but Shawn is my best friend.

ROMAN: Well I guess you'll have to spoon your pillow

at night instead of him.

If that's your chosen lifestyle.

CLEMENT: Yeah.

I can promise you, man, I'm going to make your life

hell from here on out.

You and me both, buddy.

It's indescribable how stupid you are.

You hang out with this guy.

Well that was rude.

One of the things you probably didn't know about me, Ethan,

is that I love classic basketball.

Michael Jordan from the eighties and nineties

had some of his best battles with the greats like Mookie

Blaylock, for example.

That's what this situation is.

You know, Drew wants a fight, bitch can bring it.

You know, I got Shawn arrested with pot,

so I'm sure it won't be long until I prove that

Drew is a child molester...

or something.

I'm on call right now, so I'll see you guys later.

BOARD MEMBER DRAKE: Have you made

up your mind about the RAs?

JOHN: Uh, we really haven't made a decision yet.

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: What's the hold up?

JOHN: It's not that simple.

Well, Roman has the most seniority.

Then Drew.

DEAN: Clement has the best grades.

BOARD MEMBER CASEY: Well, we need an answer by next week

so we can get our budget all lined up.

Just an idea, but what about an election?

ROMAN: An election.

DEAN: Not an election per se.

JOHN: We want student input.

We want to hear who they want as RAs.

ROMAN: This is ridiculous.

You're letting the great unwashed

decide who runs this school.

DREW: I think it sounds fair.

ROMAN: I know it does to you.

You're friends with everyone.

You and Shawn probably smoke pot with half the campus.

JOHN: Roman!

DEAN: Considering everything that's gone on this year,

this is the only fair solution we can come up with.

This is something we've never done before.

Well we would like to announce our candidacy.

CLEMENT: Four more years.

ROMAN: Let's get that son of a bitch from Fox News

to moderate the debates.

ROMAN: An election?

School is no place for a... a...

CLEMENT: Democracy?

ROMAN: Well, whatever.

I just mean it's a dumb idea.

It's the dumbest idea they could've come up with.

CLEMENT: I agree with you, Roman,

but can't we keep politics out of it?

Let's just have fun today.

[MUSIC - FRONTIER FOLK NEBRASKA, "DESERT CAR CHASE"]

All right, this is getting out of hand, guys.

I mean, fighting at a carnival?

BOARD MEMBER CLANAHAN: Who swung first?

Who knows?

Roman.

Such melee, no one could tell.

DREW: You did!

DEAN: If you keep up with this crap,

I'm going to see that you two don't get the RA jobs.

Each one of you should be expelled anyway.

Violence between students is never tolerated for any reason.

This doesn't have to do with violence,

it has to do with Drew stealing that whore I like.

Roman, I'm right here.

We were just on a date.

Date!

She's my girlfriend!

KATIE: No, I'm not!

What the hell, Katie?

Are you dating him?

We went on one date and I paid for the meal.

And then Roman pulled his dick out.

You perverted little bastard.

JOHN: Did he really do that?

Yeah, right there in the car.

You know, Roman, I don't need to get into the legality

of indecent exposure, but it doesn't help when

it's a board member's niece.

There was a growth down there, and I thought she was pre-med.

KATIE: That shouldn't matter.

You were begging for it.

No, I wasn't, OK.

You ordered a pulled-pork sandwich, what was I--

DEAN: Do you not realize how serious this situation is?

JOHN: We take harassment very seriously.

I just hope this little misunderstanding

doesn't impede my chances of being an RA next year.

BOARD MEMBER CLANAHAN: It's going to impede your chances

of being an RA this year.

KATIE: Could we please just forget about this?

BOARD MEMBER CLANAHAN: If you pull any stunts again,

you're going to get expelled.

Immediately.

Clement, are you OK?

Yeah, mom, I'm fine.

ROMAN: What's the bullshit.

Huh?

What's the story behind--

you told me the job was as good as mine not a few months ago.

JOHN: How can I vouch for you?

You've been screwing up left and right.

ROMAN: Just say, "Roman deserves the job."

There are some really important people right

now that want to see you burn.

If I endorse you, it will reflect very badly on me.

ROMAN: What a tool, looking out for himself and his job.

JOHN: Watch it.

What am I supposed to do now then, huh?

Win the election.

I'll win the election, John.

I'll win if I have to gerrymander the constituents

to my favor and form a Super PAC with my registered libertarian

brothers.

I'll make sure that the Latino vote is there.

I will shuttle in every minority from the four

corners of this county,

JOHN: Get out!

ROMAN: And I will win that election.

And there will be changes starting

right here at this desk.

I will open the book on you, my good man.

Don't think that I won't, don't think that I won'

Things are going to change here at NICA.

NICA's about to change.

I am Roman fucking Bickerstaff and I endorse this message.

Vote Bickerstaff, bitches!

Oh, Clement, I got it.

Free movie and pizza night.

Huh?

What do you think?

CLEMENT: I don't know about that.

ROMAN: Exactly.

It'll work.

It's got to work.

We show a few movies, we spread out a couple of pies.

Students will come crawl--

never underestimate free pizza to a college student.

It's like babes to a teat.

This will win us over.

Hearts and mind will come to Bickerstaff and Sam Pedro.

Look, all I care about at this moment is getting the job.

And it seems like the fates are against me,

but I need to be an RA.

I can't pay for college any other--

you're not holding, are you?

Do you have a joint?

Do you smoke?

You look like you smoke.

ROMAN: What's the problem?

I don't want to do this.

We're a team, man.

Come on.

We've gotten into so much trouble

over the last few weeks.

Don't you think we should lay low?

A, quit being a pussy.

And B, no, it'll work.

Huh?

You trust me.

Now, what we need to do is dial up one

of your little nerd torrents.

Let's find us a movie.

Daddy Girl Scout is a crowd pleaser.

So just put your little finger on clickie.

I am not condoning this, by the way.

Torrenting is stealing.

But also pizzas are expensive, so.

I bet, Ethan, this will probably get

torrented one day by some you know,

kind of nerdy people like him.

"I want to watch the Ethan movie."

Did you get it?

Yeah, it's downloading.

That's my big boy.

ROMAN: This is one of my brainchildren.

All right, for college students, you give them free pizza,

you're like a god.

You know, we shovel out a couple pies, show a movie--

we win our way back into the election.

It's what, you know, Kennedy did to win before he was shot.

So smart thinking on our part.

It only cost $200, and you know, Clement didn't mind paying,

so...

GIRL STUDENT: Hey, Roman, thanks for doing this.

ROMAN: Oh, my pleasure.

I paid for it myself.

GIRL STUDENT: Really, that's cool.

I know, I'm a cool guy.

So vote for me.

So what are we watching tonight?

ROMAN: Daddy Girl Scout.

Isn't that a kid's movie?

Yeah, it's funny as shit.

ROMAN: Pizza.

Vote Bickerstaff.

Hey.

DELIVERY GUY: Hey, I've got a delivery

for a Roman Bitterstance?

ROMAN: I'm Roman Bickerstaff.

Hey guys, kegs are here!

[CHEERING]

DELIVERY GUY: Do they know it's just root beer?

ROMAN: What the fuck, man?

DELIVERY GUY: You didn't think they'd be able to tell?

Come on.

Clement!

Let's go.

Help me get this stuff.

Bring me the remote control.

Hey guys!

Movie is about to start.

This is my gift to you.

Vote Bickerstaff!

DELIVERY GUY: Hey, I don't make the prices, man.

I just deliver.

I don't care what you say about inflation,

the price of root beer has gone up a hell of a lot.

Good day.

[SCREAMING]

ROMAN: What the-- what's going on?

FEMALE STUDENT: Roman, you're sick!

FEMALE STUDENT 2: Pervert!

CLEMENT: Hey, bitch!

ROMAN: Oh!

Ow!

What happened?

What's going on?

Oh, my God.

DREW: Roman, you're such an idiot.

Oh, boy.

Do you get credit for this class?

Shut up.

DEAN: What were you thinking?

You know, I can't imagine what--

how can you make such a mistake?

In our defense, I think it was a soft core porn.

What's the difference?

Well, the vagina is usually pretty hairy,

and you don't actually see a penis.

CLEMENT: There's more of a story line, and--

DEAN: No, I mean, what's the difference whether it's

hard core or soft core?

Didn't we just explain?

Whether it's soft or hard core is not the issue.

Porn of any kind is not appropriate to be

shown on campus.

I don't know what happened.

The site we downloaded it from gave

us the wrong file or something.

We downloaded what we thought was Daddy

Girl Scout starring Tim Allen.

CLEMENT: Steven Segal.

Steven Segal.

[SEXUAL NOISES]

Well, she sounds like she's having fun.

Daddy's Girl Scout.

An erotic tale of incest with the best cookies.

That apostrophe S makes a hell of a difference.

ROMAN [WHISPERING]: Grammar.

CLEMENT [WHISPERING]: Yeah.

ROMAN: Drew.

Drew had something to do with this, I know it.

He said he was going to make my life hell.

Drew.

DEAN: You're passing the buck.

The board has called a formal meeting for this Wednesday

at noon.

When you say formal, you mean this is merely a formality?

JOHN: No!

ROMAN: Well, they'll not soon forget

the name Bickerstaff around here, I can promise you that.

CLEMENT: It's not my fault. I downloaded the right movie.

This was your idea!

ROMAN: The one thing, Clement, the one thing we cannot do is

turn on each other right now.

CLEMENT: I need this job, Roman.

ROMAN: I know.

CLEMENT: I can't go here otherwise.

ROMAN: I know.

CLEMENT: I just wanted to study, OK?

I want to graduate.

ROMAN: You're going to graduate.

CLEMENT: I'm going to get expelled!

ROMAN: You're going into Clement spaz mode

is what's happening right now.

They're not going to expel us if we tell the same story.

OK, let's just stick to the script.

Here's what we're going to tell them happened.

ROMAN: But as I recall, Clement and I

were discussing the phenomenologists Hegel

and Heidegger in comparison with the precursors

of postmodernist philosophy, Nietzsche and Kierkegaard,

when we entered the room where the film was playing,

and saw three men of the African persuasion,

entering various holes, some two at a time, of a petite blonde--

not unlike yourself, ma'am.

BOARD MEMBER DRAKE: And were you the one's projecting this film?

ROMAN: We may have pressed play, yes.

But as the law sees it, we stepped

outside when the projecting process took place.

Ipso facto.

So who is to say some other agent didn't intervene.

Who knows?

Such questions, in my opinion, are

best left back to the fat cats and suits at the state capital.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: No, Roman.

It's up to us.

BOARD MEMBER CLANAHAN: I think this was a stunt

that you guys did to draw attention

to yourselves for the election.

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: I agree.

And what do you base that accusation on, sir?

Because you let the film play until the very end.

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: Absolutely.

It was a health and safety issue.

And what is that?

Do I really need to explain?

BOARD MEMBERS KLIMMER/BIGELOW: Yes.

If we had stopped the film before,

completion there would have been a campus-wide

epidemic of blue-balls of biblical proportion.

Mark my words.

BOARD MEMBER KLIMMER: What are blue-balls?

We're having RA elections, go to the website and vote for it.

RA election.

Go to that website, thank you.

Who do you think's going to win?

I have no idea, I just want to get this over with.

Oh, Bro. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Excuse me.

We're having RA elections, go to that website and vote.

Thank you.

What do you think Roman's chances are?

I am an innocent bystander.

BOARD MEMBER CASEY: We have reason

to believe that it was your laptop that the video was

download onto.

We've requested a report from the IT department.

That's impossible.

I clear my porn downloads on a daily basis.

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: Oh, I think you're

covering for Bickerstaff.

Hey, buddy.

I don't need any covering.

I am innocent of all these--

What is IT?

IT reports and things.

The Patriot Act.

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: I think he's been here too long.

BOARD MEMBER KLIMMER: OK, OK.

Everybody, let's settle down.

Now, Clement, son, we are simply trying to help you here.

BOARD MEMBER CASEY: Yes.

BOARD MEMBER KLIMMER: You do know that you'll

never get in another university if you're

expelled from this one.

And, the only option left for you is community college.

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: Beauty school.

CLEMENT: I should be so lucky.

BOARD MEMBER CLANAHAN: If you sign this form naming

Roman as the sole instigator, we'll

drop all charges against you.

CLEMENT: I don't think I can do that.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: Sign the form.

BOARD MEMBER KLIMMER: Yes.

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: Come on, son.

If I sign this form, Roman can't be expelled.

BOARD MEMBER REGINALD: I don't believe

we can make that promise.

He has given five years of his life to this school.

Do you know what he has given up for that?

A social life, a chance at finishing

his bachelor's degree.

BOARD MEMBER CASEY: It's admirable

that you would like to cover for your friend, Clement, really.

His father died here.

He was an RA on duty, and he was shot.

Now, to you, this may be just a paycheck or a punch clock.

But for Roman, this is his home.

He's only ever tried to do what's best for the school.

What his father would've been proud of.

DEAN: Before we tell you the decision

that we made for next year's RAs,

I just want to say that, uh, it's been

a very interesting year so far.

And that this was not an easy decision for us.

In many ways, you all deserve this.

JOHN: And in other ways.

Wow.

Based on all things factored and considered,

next year's RAs will be Drew

DREW: Yes!

DEAN: And Clement.

ROMAN/CLEMENT: What?

DEAN: Congratulations, Drew and--

ROMAN: Are you serious?

DEAN: It wasn't an easy decision, Roman.

JOHN: Roman, we want to thank you for your service

to the university.

You've been a great RA.

ROMAN: What about the election?

What were the results?

DEAN: Roman.

ROMAN: What were the results?

DEAN; Drew 48%.

Roman 29%.

Pot 20%.

Clement 3%.

ROMAN: So I came in second.

I should be an RA.

JOHN: Roman, the board believes that you were solely

responsible for the porn.

But that's not true.

JOHN: Clement signed a written statement

attesting that you were responsible and no one else.

ROMAN: Did you do that?

It was the only way I could save you, Roman.

The board-- they were threatening to expel

us both if I didn't sign it.

So this is the end of Bickerstaff.

I go out, not with a bang, but a betrayal.

CLEMENT: Roman, no.

This isn't good.

Roman has my car keys.

I don't feel like talking right now, man.

So I'll tell you when I want to talk, OK?

Dude, seriously, fuck off.

I want to be alone.

DREW: Oh, hey.

ROMAN: I want some liquor.

Man, this is the worst sting operation ever.

ROMAN: Cut the shit.

I know you have alcohol in here and I want a drink.

OK.

ROMAN: [BELCHES LOUDLY]

DREW: Here, finish it off.

ROMAN: Thank you.

You're good-- you're good people, Drew.

Hey, Drew?

Yeah?

I'm sorry we fought.

Don't worry about it, man.

That's in the past.

So, we're friends.

You're my good friend.

We should be friends, right?

Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Good.

Because I-- [BELCHES] There's another one--

I've always liked you.

Deep down, I like you, man.

You're a good guy.

Not like that supposed friend Clement.

He's not a friend.

Even though, you know, I'll tell you the truth.

He knows shit about me.

Deep, dark-- he knows things about me no one else knows.

Stuff I don't even know.

He knows that I had a cousin jerk me off once.

DREW [WHISPERING]: Shit.

You don't drink much, do you?

You're one of the worst persons

I've ever met in my life, you sorry son of a bitch.

Clement.

You Clement.

Clemenia.

Clementine, my Clementine.

CLEMENT: Roman?

ROMAN: Well, bless my grits!

Clement Templeton Sam Pedro.

CLEMENT: Uh, that's not my middle name, Roman.

ROMAN: I'm fine.

It feels like I'm on a merry-go-round,

but other than that, I'm right as a cherry top.

Thing.

CLEMENT: Roman, I just wanted to tell you,

I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

ROMAN: Oh, I know, buddy.

I know.

Hey.

Believe me.

Take away my happiness--

CLEMENT: No, no.

Roman.

ROMAN: And you take away my joy.

It's all good.

I understand, buddy.

CLEMENT: It's not what I meant to do.

ROMAN: I understand.

Come here.

Two parents better than me.

Huh?

Get up and fight.

Fight like I taught you to.

Take a swing at you, you cock!

Hey.

Hey, now.

Is this stuff...

this is boo boo bamma.

You back off the wagon there, Chachie?

CLEMENT: No, Roman.

ROMAN [SINGING]: I found pot!

CLEMENT: It's not what it looks like.

ROMAN [SINGING]: In your room!

And I'm going to tell the administration.

CLEMENT: No, no.

Roman.

I can't go to this school.

ROMAN: Court martial.

Court martial, I say.

CLEMENT: It doesn't have to be this way.

ROMAN [ISINGING]: Which way.

DEAN: Oh.

Roman, we're having a meeting.

ROMAN: This will just take a minute of your time.

Everybody, I've got something to say.

This won't take long, give me 10 minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some startling revelation--

[VOMITING]

[SCREAMING]

BOARD MEMBER CLANAHAN: Get him out of here.

ROMAN: Hold on.

Hold on.

BOARD MEMBER CLANAHAN: Out.

ROMAN: I say this!

I love this school.

Everything I did, I did because I love this school.

I love Northern--

I love University of Calif--

I love whatever the fuck this place is called.

Do you understand?

Do you understand?

BOARD MEMBER BIGELOW: Enough.

BOARD MEMBER KLIMMER: Yes.

ROMAN: No.

No.

You don't get it.

I gave everything for this place.

Everything!

And you made him an RA.

Well there's something you should know about him.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Black winds a' blowing over my shoulders tonight

Black winds a' blowing over my shoulders tonight

Cold rain's a' falling down my back in the eve

Cold rain's a' falling down my back in the eve

I was born a lonesome man and I'll die the same

I was born a lonesome man and I'll die the same

57 years of working hard and nothing to show for it

57 years of working hard and nothing to show for it

Clement is family.

Family's everything.

[VOMITING]

These four walls around me are closing

in as my years are running dry

JOHN: I think they made the right decision.

Clement will do a good job.

BOARD MEMBER CLANAHAN: I don't know if it's sad.

Tragic?

Is he a Macbeth, a Lear, a Hamlet?

No.

But it's still a sad story.

ETHAN: Hey, Roman?

Could you, uh, let us interview you?

ROMAN: The walls are spinning.

When they finish, we can talk.

ETHAN: Just a quick interview.

ROMAN: [MUMBLING] Hey, film guy, can you sing me a song?

ETHAN: I don't really sing

ROMAN: Just sing a song!

ETHAN [SINGING]: "Oh, Danny boy!"

No, I'm sorry.

I can't do it.

ROMAN: It sounded OK.

This--

CLEMENT: I think Roman could come to forgive me someday.

Maybe.

CECIL: What are you going to do, Roman, when you

finish your childhood career?

YOUNG ROMAN: I'm gonna be--

oh, probably I would say--

yeah, a rock-and-roll star.

LUCRETIA: A rock-and-roll star?

YOUNG ROMAN: Yeah, or maybe a security guard.

LUCRETIA: A security guard?

ETHAN: So what happens if you don't get the RA job?

I'll get the RA job, I don't think there's

any question about that.

ETHAN: Well, what happens if you don't, though?

That's a non-question, Ethan, I mean, it's impossible for me

not to get picked as an RA.

ETHAN: Well, hypothetically.

Hypothetically, in this parallel dimension

that you're constructing where facts don't belong or exist,

I would be sad.

Because I feel like I've done my job.

I've done my duty.

To my school, to my dad, to my family.

I think it would hurt.

But I don't know.

I just-- I can look at myself eventually at one

point and say, you know, "Roman, you did your job.

Man, you did your best, and they don't like it,

you know, fuck them."

I'd always have my band to fall back on, too.

[MUSIC - FRONTIER FOLK NEBRASKA, "QUEEN CITY SERENADE"]

[MUSIC - FRONTIER FOLK NEBRASKA, "QUEEN CITY SERENADE"]

[MUSIC - FRONTIER FOLK NEBRASKA, "QUEEN CITY SERENADE"]

Heavy hands on the alcohol takes me back when I had it all

Guess I'll see you someday but for now I'm living hell

'cause I know I'll be all right

And I know I'll be all right

And I know I'll be all right tonight

See your face, your photograph. I'm amazed how I handle myself

I'm amazed by reflections when I stop moving

'Cause I know I'll be all right

I know I'll be all right

I know I'll be all right tonight