Original subtitles

Good morning.

Aiyah.

You woke up so late today.

The jook is cold.

Hey, Dad.

Why you gotta smoke weed at 10 freakin' a.m.?

What are you talking about? I didn't smoke weed.

[muttering]

Ladies and gentlemen, my daughter Tommy Chong.

Say hi to Cheech.

Hey, you drink a beer after work.

That's my puff. I just take a puff.

That's like your beer.Wait a minute.

Is somebody paying you to sleep and get high?

Wally, you are you so grumpy today?

I don't know, Ma.

Maybe it's because I'm a grown-ass

adult man living with my mother

and my almost 30-year-old daughter

who doesn't have a clue.

And I'm working my ass off every day,

and I have been alone

since somebody was four freakin' years old.

Oh, okay.

So you're doing this all alone?

Ma?You had it easy... bro.

You had it easy.

I never had a rebellious phase.

I never had a eyebrow ring.

Okay?

I never brought the boys home...

to do some heavy grinding.

Yeah. Pff...

I had it easy.

What is his issue, dude?

It's obvious.

He needs to bury the snake in the bush.

Yeah, exactly.

He needs to take his baggage

and he needs to just bury it in his past.

Oh, no, no. I meant throw a log in the fire.

Park the bus in tuna town.

Play mattress Macarena.

Okay.Get it?

I have to go, Grandma. I'm gonna go.

♪ Ay, Macarena

♪♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Does this look like an airplane bathroom?

Sorry, sorry. I didn't see you there.

I don't usually smoke. It's just...

got into a pretty big fight with my dad.

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that, but can I say, not surprised

'cause dads are douchebags, right?

He's a drunk, a hobo?

No, he's-- No, he's not.

He's in IT.Oh, I get it.

That's why, to my dad, I had to say...

[clicks tongue, mimics gunshot]

You killed your dad?Nah, we just don't talk.

Okay.So what are you gonna do, uh, to your hair?

Um, I'm just gonna get like a light trim.

Maybe a walnut gloss, do the walnut.

Mm... walnut gloss.Mm-hmm.

Here you are in this little hellhole.

You're vaping it up like Tallulah Bankhead.

And you wanna make a big move, right?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.But you're scared

'cause you don't trust the beast.

Trust the beast, all right?

Why don't you bleach your hair?

Yeah.Bleach your hair.

Bleach your asshole.

Nora Lin?Yes.

Get in there, kid.

Follow me, ma'am.

Today you'll be paired with Asha.

[Nora] Great. Awesome.

I'm a good person. [clears throat]

Hey, girl, what are we thinking today?

I wanna bleach it.

I wanna go full blonde.

I'm ready.

You wanna bleach your hair?

Yeah, yeah. I want-- I wanna bleach it.

Like in its entirety?

Yes, yes, in its entirety. Yeah.

Listen, your hair is the color of space.

Okay.

Bleaching virgin Asian hair this dark

is always unpredictable and often unfortunate.

It's-- it's not virgin.

I sprinkle a little Just For Men in there.

Oh.But besides, irrelevant.

I-I need this. I need to go blonde

because I-I-- I'm sick of playing it safe

and I've never gotten to rebel.

And I'm done being a walnut pussy.

Um, I feel like you're carrying some baggage--

I don't have baggage! Sorry. I don't have baggage.

Um, just-- just girl to girl,

bleaching while angsty is just a very bad situation.

The only thing that's making me angsty

is this-- is this whisper conversation

that we're having right now.

Just get the goddamn bleach, Asha!

Okay.

♪♪

[Wally] Hi, Ted.

Once we update your antivirus software,

you should be good.

[Ted] I just-- I don't know what happened.

Like I said, there's a lot

of sketchy stuff on the Internet.

There was a woman, Wally.

She popped up in-- in the corner there.

She said she was in my area.

Like right here.

In my area.

[woman] And then I said, "He got what in them goodies?"

So Pam comes running over,

no shoes, just hootin' and a hollerin',

"Y'all gonna set my house on fire.

Y'all gonna set my house on fire."

[message beep] So I had to calm her down,

saying, "Girl, ain't nothin' gonna happen to your house."

But she wouldn't quit with all this emotion.

I turn my back and I'm...

[Wally laughing]

[angelic music playing]

"#Cabo."

[angelic music continues]

...set that house on fire. Can you believe that?

What is your computer issue?

[Asha] Okay, are you ready?

It's time.Okay.

Three, two...

one!

Uh...

Holy shit.

What-- What the fuck?

What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is up?

I only feel like 20% bad because I warned you

about this multiple times.

What, what even color is this?!

And the texture? Is that a natural wave?

Because I look like a hot fuckin' Cheeto right now.

It's sort of becoming on you.

Oh, yeah? Would you be coming on this?!

Yep. See that?!

Oh, dear.[Asha fighting laughter]

It's funny, huh? You having a little laugh, yeah?

I'm sorry, I just...

You look like Merida...Mm.

...from "Brave."

Asha?Mm-hmm.

I need you to listen to me.

I need you to listen to me hard, okay?

I need you to get me a hat, put it on my head,

and then get the hell away from me, all right?

Can you do that?

I don't think we sell hats here.

Get me a fucking hat!

I'll find one.

I'll be right back.

It should've been my asshole.

[grunting]

[message beep]

Oh, Jeff.

You better not be starting some

intramural basketball without me.

[rap music playing in car]

[cell phone chimes]

[rap music continues]

Okay, Tokyo Drift.

Edmund?!

Ugh, of all the Rideshare drivers in New York.

You want a water?Yeah.

Do you have a charger, actually?

Oh, my God, are you joking with this hair right now?

[camera clicks]No.

Are you taking a picture?

It's the exact color and consistency

of Johnny Depp's reprisal of the Mad Hatter.

I am weak!

What are you doing in New York?

I live here now.What?

I left Palo Alto.

I'm going solo like Kelly Rowland.

Going solo, doing what?

I can't tell you that.

Why not?Because...

Well, are your parents happy at least that you're back?

They don't know I'm here, and don't tell them, okay?

Why not?Just stop asking questions, okay? Ugh.

[rap music continues]

[phone chimes]

[computer voice] You have arrived at your destination.

You took a Commutez to go 500 feet?

I'm wearing Ferragamos

and there is urine all over this city.

And you're living here?

Edmund, a studio in this apartment costs

like $10,000 a month.

Imagine what I'm paying for the penthouse.

That what house?!Good-bye, Nora.

What are you up to?!

I-I know you're up to somethin'.

What is it?!

[birds chirping]

[soft music playing]

Are you looking for the entrance?

Oh, yeah, I--Yeah, it's around the corner.

I was wondering about that.

[man] So he's got his little Mets cap on.

And he just pulls away from me.

Darts across the street, runs right at me.

Jumps in my arms.

So that was the first time

that Timmy hugged me after the divorce.

Aww...

Hey, man.Oh.

You wanna share next?Oh, I don't know.

No?No.

No pressure.

It's okay if you just wanna listen.

I love my kids.

But sometimes I also hate 'em.

They're so selfish.

Sometimes I just wanna scream,

"Stop judging me! I'm doing this alone."

I yelled at my daughter this morning.

Something just set me off.

I totally get it.

It's like I'm constantly arguing with Chuck.

My Jasmine said to me today,

"Daddy, I love you this much."

[woman] Oh...

You know how much she loves her nanny?

[woman] Oh, yikes.

I damn near killed myself.

I went to Hallie's school last week to hand out lunches.

And every single one of her friends...

gave me hugs.

[woman] What's your issue, Ellen?

I don't have one. I just--

I really wanted to share.

Kids are-- They're so cute at this age.

So how old are your kids?

Three.Five and three quarters.

My little guy's eight.

Hm...

How old's your daughter?

She's twen--

Seven, she's seven.

That's a rough age.

[laughing] Yes, it is.

Ma'am? Uh, ma'am.

Hey, lady!

Hey.Hey, what's going on?

Oh, so sorry. I'm just waiting

for my husband, Mark Fingers.

Wait, Nora?

Sorry, what?Nora.

Oh, my God, Daniel?Yeah. Yes!

Oh, my God!Oh, my God!

Last time I saw you, you were like

chain-smoking menthols and wearing that little

North Face butt pack thing.

Yeah, junior high was unfortunate.Yeah.

[both laughing]

Um, I'm here to see my cousin,

Edmund Lin.

Hold on, Moneybag Mundie?

You call him Moneybags?

He is up in that penthouse living it up!

He's been living it up in there?

Yes, bad bitches in and out,

in and out, in and out, all the time.

No, he wouldn't-- That's not Edmund.

He's doesn't have-- Women, women going up there?

Women, bad bitches, male bad bitches.

Oh.Like gender non-specific bad bitches.

I can't even tell sometimes.

Man, I wonder what he's up to.

Do you remember when we used to play GarageBand 2?

"Rock Band 2.""Rock Band 2," yes!

I was doing "expert,"

and you couldn't even do "medium bass."

[chuckling] Yeah, that was fun.

You were cute.You're cute now.

Right now?Yeah.

Stop. I'm not even cute right now.

Yeah, no.I'm not.

I am so fucking ugly right now.

No, I like this.

This is like kinda Spooky Spice.Yeah?

Yo, I should check out what this dude is doing.

But it was good seeing you.

Yeah, it was so good seeing you.

Yeah, yeah, um, hit me up.

I would love to hit you up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, on Facebook Messenger.

Just Facebook Messenger?

Uh, yeah, I don't have data on my phone right now.

I'm actually on an iPod Touch.

Oh.Yeah.

I'll see you. Catch you.

Sir!

Sir, could you get back here?

[coughs]

I just don't get Nora sometimes.

She lives in my house,

but it's like she's a stranger.

I give her a hard time. Sure.

But she can be so frustrating.

And I know she likes to get high,

but I just can't bring--

She's getting high?

Climbing, you know.

Of course.Oh.

Climb.

You know, instead of getting angry with Nora,

maybe you should try positive reinforcement.

It's way more effective

than trying to control behavior.

[man] Yo! Single dorks!

Wrap it up. Sexaholics Anonymous starts at 4:00.

♪♪

"Edmund Lin recently raised $15 million

"for various investors including Bill Ackman

and BlackRock."

That bitch has $15 million!

Here's my little fireball.

That's at her cousin's birthday party.

Oh, look at that.

Adorable.

Here's a dance recital.

You wanna watch this video? It's only eight minutes long.

I'm good.

Little Feet Dance Academy has a great afterschool program.

Oh...Where's Nora go to school?

Oh, she goes to SUNY.

SUNY? The State University of New York?

Pff... SUNY, kindergarten.

Ah, kindergarten.

I thought you said she was seven.

Well, she's kinda re--Wally, I-I--

I have the umbrella...Huh?

...that you asked for.

Because it's gonna rain, yeah.

Oh, no, we're good. Dark Sky's saying

clear as a whistle today.

I mean, some clouds around 4:15...

Yeah, Toby, nice to meet you.

Okay, bye-bye.Yeah, you too.

Hey, we gotta get that playdate going.

I'm gonna hit you up on Facebook Messenger.

I'm gonna do that right now before I forget, actually.

[phone clicking]

[Nora] Oh, look at these shit bags.

Planning the next financial crisis, I see.

Yeah, yeah? Whoa. Oh.

I lost 'em. Goddamn it, I lost 'em!

[bangs on car door]Are you spying on me?

No!Oh, my God, you psycho.

What the hell is going on?

You tell me what the hell's going on

palling around town, $15 million in funds.

Hello! Hello!

Oh, yeah, good job googling my name, Nora.

You are and look insane.

Can I come to your place?Oh, my God.

That a yes!

So your daughter's not really seven, huh?

She's 27.

Chuck's 25.

Yeah, he's a-- he's a mediocre DJ

and a tropical house producer.

He's trying, though.

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

How do you keep from making playdates?

I'm tell them I don't believe in vaccinations.

I'm-- I'm glad I went.

Maybe I'll go to the next one.

Yeah, they're like family now.

You know, it's better than therapy.

It's cheaper.Definitely.

It's just... It's nice.

Are you okay?

Today was my anniversary.

What?

Today was my anniversary.

And I wish I was in Cabo.

I'm sorry. Uh, listen.

If you ever wanna talk

without the pressure of a playdate,

here, you call me.

Bye.

Bye.

[violin music playing]

Uh, oh...

Oh... my God, Edmund.

Is this real? This real?

[Nora gasps] What is that?

[whispers] It's so beautiful.

It's a Nicole Eisenman. She's a friend.

It's my life. It's my life.

It's bronzed poop.

Can I please...?No, stop.

Can I lick...?No.

Can I lick it?Nora!

No, no!

Nora, why are you stalking me?

Why are you not telling your parents

that you're living here?I can't tell them anything

until my company is up and running,

and a huge success, okay?

Why not?Because, ugh...

...my dad had his own law firm at age 30,

so I'm behind.

You're like the most successful person I know.

Now I'm the poorest person from my freshman floor at Stanford,

which my dad likes to remind me every day.

You have $15 million.

That's my company's money, not mine.

Look, my dad puts a lot of pressure on me.

My dad didn't put pressure on me.

Exactly, which is why you are...

the way you are.

You're wearing a bucket hat from a fashion school.

So you're starting a new company

and doing all this just to prove something to your dad?

Duh, that's why anyone starts anything.

Like why did you dye your hair

the color of Tori Amos's butthole?

Aren't you lonely here?No.

'Cause I could bunk with you for a couple days.No.

Can I take a shit here?If you can find the toilet.

Just give me a hint.

Hotter or colder?

Hot. Hotter. Hotter. Colder.

Edmund, I will take a shit right here, you know me.

I'd like to see you try.

You know what we used to call bathrooms in my house?

Edmund's bed.

Nora, Nora, Nora! No, no.

[sad music playing]

Hey.

Hey.

Look, um, I'm sorry about this morning.

Oh, my God. Did--

Did Tommy Chong's dad just apologize?

You should've seen yourself. You looked like Tommy Chong.

You looked like shit.[sighs]

What's that for?

That's...

for not being an insane tiger dad

and being constantly content with mediocrity.

Princess, you are so not mediocre.

I just...

I just missed her today.

I miss her too, Dad.Yeah?

Hey, you two. Dinner!

[knocking on door]

Edmund?

What are you doing here?

I got lonely, okay?

And... just shut up.

Don't say anything and just let me in.

Also, thank God your hair is back to black

because you looked like Irish Kathy,

and it was bad.[Nora scoffs]

Sorry, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.

Okay.

Edmund, what are you doing in town again?

Oh, uh...

I am...

just here to...

He's getting his taint bleached...

and styled.

The rim of his asshole, it's a different color.

And he didn't wanna tell anybody,

especially his parents because it's embarrassing.

So...[Wally] Wow.

...don't tell them, okay, because, you know,

this is between us and his taint.

Of course.

Well, we support that, Edmund.Thank you very much.

I'm just getting really into self-care.

So I'm doing the hole and the rim.Mm...

Self-care, I heard about that.

[Nora] Is it one of those things

where you can like go to work right after?

You can sit down. You just can't like

change your center of gravity

to be lower than your belly button.

[Nora] So you can't squat?

No.Because it's like

part of your... situation there, right,

with the-- your tail.

Yeah, the-- the appendage, Uncle Wally.

Appendage, sorry, I forgot.

Call it what it is, you know?

It's an appendage. It's like--

Yeah, well, you know, we love the tail.

We love the tail 'cause it's part of you, Edmund.

Okay, fine, we'll call it a tail.

I remember when, sometimes, you know,

when you get happy, you...

Wag it? No, it...It wouldn't wag.

[laughter][Edmund] It was not a wag.

Do you remember when your tail got stuck

in the San Francisco trolley?

Do you remember that?

Okay...[Wally] Cable car!

The cable car!

The cable car got me right in the tenderloin,

and I was like, this was the worst spot for me...

[overlapping chatter, laughter]

[Edmund] It's not funny, but actually funny.

But not funny!

[laughter continues]

♪♪

[man] Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?