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1
00:00:24,284 --> 00:00:28,329
Something familiar,
something peculiar
2
00:00:28,330 --> 00:00:32,083
Something for everyone:
a comedy tonight
3
00:00:32,084 --> 00:00:36,170
Something appealing,
something appalling
4
00:00:36,171 --> 00:00:40,007
Something for everyone:
a comedy tonight
5
00:00:40,008 --> 00:00:41,968
Nothing for kings
6
00:00:41,969 --> 00:00:44,053
Nothing for crowns
7
00:00:44,054 --> 00:00:48,057
Bring on the lovers,
liars and clowns
8
00:00:48,058 --> 00:00:52,019
Old situations, new complications
9
00:00:52,020 --> 00:00:55,898
Nothing portentous or polite
10
00:00:55,899 --> 00:00:59,768
Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight
11
00:01:02,823 --> 00:01:06,659
Something convulsive,
something repulsive
12
00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:10,538
Something for everyone:
a comedy tonight
13
00:01:10,539 --> 00:01:14,459
Something aesthetic,
something frenetic
14
00:01:14,460 --> 00:01:18,546
Something for everyone:
a comedy tonight
15
00:01:18,547 --> 00:01:22,383
Nothing of gods, nothing of fate
16
00:01:22,384 --> 00:01:26,929
Weighty affairs will
just have to wait
17
00:01:27,848 --> 00:01:33,269
Our principal characters live...
on this street,
18
00:01:33,270 --> 00:01:38,232
in a less fashionable suburb of
Rome, in these three houses.
19
00:01:38,233 --> 00:01:41,819
First, the house of Erronius,
a befuddled old man,
20
00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:46,032
abroad now in search of his children,
stolen in infancy by pirates.
21
00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:50,036
Something erratic,
something dramatic
22
00:01:50,037 --> 00:01:54,040
Something for everyone:
a comedy tonight
23
00:01:54,041 --> 00:01:59,462
Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and
seller of the flesh of beautiful women.
24
00:01:59,463 --> 00:02:02,632
That's for those of you who
have no interest in pirates.
25
00:02:02,633 --> 00:02:04,717
Something for everyone.
26
00:02:04,718 --> 00:02:06,761
A comedy tonight
27
00:02:06,762 --> 00:02:11,808
And, finally, the house of Senex,
who lives here with his wife and son.
28
00:02:11,809 --> 00:02:14,936
Also in this house dwells
Pseudolus, slave to his son.
29
00:02:14,937 --> 00:02:17,855
Pseudolus is my favourite
character in the piece...
30
00:02:17,856 --> 00:02:20,233
a role of enormous
variety and nuance,
31
00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:24,570
and played by an actor of such versatility,
such magnificent range, such...
32
00:02:24,571 --> 00:02:28,072
Let me put it this way...
I play the part.
33
00:02:28,158 --> 00:02:31,911
Something familiar,
something peculiar
34
00:02:31,912 --> 00:02:35,665
Something for everyone:
a comedy tonight
35
00:02:35,666 --> 00:02:39,418
Something that's gaudy,
something that's bawdy
36
00:02:39,419 --> 00:02:43,214
Something for everybody's taste
37
00:02:43,215 --> 00:02:45,049
Pantaloons and tunics
38
00:02:45,050 --> 00:02:46,926
Courtesans and eunuchs
39
00:02:46,927 --> 00:02:48,803
Funerals and chases
40
00:02:48,804 --> 00:02:50,721
Baritones and basses
41
00:02:50,722 --> 00:02:52,348
- Panderers
- Philanderers
42
00:02:52,349 --> 00:02:54,183
- Cupidity
- Timidity
43
00:02:54,184 --> 00:02:55,351
- Mistakes
- Fakes
44
00:02:55,352 --> 00:02:56,227
- Rhymes
- Mimes
45
00:02:56,228 --> 00:02:58,229
Tumblers, grumblers,
fumblers, bumblers
46
00:02:58,230 --> 00:03:01,566
No royal curse, no Trojan Horse
47
00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:05,653
And there's a happy
ending of course
48
00:03:05,654 --> 00:03:07,655
Goodness and badness
49
00:03:07,656 --> 00:03:09,449
Man in his madness
50
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:13,161
This time it all
turns out all right
51
00:03:13,162 --> 00:03:15,037
Tragedy tomorrow
52
00:03:15,038 --> 00:03:18,499
Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy,
comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy
53
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:24,374
Comedy tonight
54
00:03:28,218 --> 00:03:30,592
Hup! Hie!
55
00:03:31,263 --> 00:03:34,640
You, boy. Why are we
stopping? Hurry up.
56
00:03:34,641 --> 00:03:37,477
My dear and noble
neighbours, my apologies.
57
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:42,356
Since moving in next door I've been
remiss in not calling to pay my respects.
58
00:03:42,357 --> 00:03:45,693
However, it is our inaugural week,
and you know what that is.
59
00:03:45,694 --> 00:03:49,314
I certainly do not. Move on.
60
00:03:50,199 --> 00:03:53,450
All right, don't stand.
Move. Move! Hup.
61
00:03:54,578 --> 00:03:58,122
A common flesh pedlar in the
house next to ours. Disgusting!
62
00:03:58,123 --> 00:04:01,793
Disgraceful. All that revolting
flesh, just next door.
63
00:04:01,794 --> 00:04:05,004
- Make way for the house of Senex.
- Senex, wait.
64
00:04:05,005 --> 00:04:06,214
Wait.
65
00:04:06,215 --> 00:04:09,550
Is this not Pseudolus, your slave?
He was parading as a citizen.
66
00:04:09,551 --> 00:04:15,807
Believe me, mistress, I was not parading.
I was walking humbly like a slave.
67
00:04:15,808 --> 00:04:19,310
He invited us to game with him.
He cheated us out of nine minae.
68
00:04:19,311 --> 00:04:22,188
- Nine? I took seven.
- Return nine.
69
00:04:22,189 --> 00:04:26,442
One. Two. Three. Four. I'm being
cheated out of the money I won fairly.
70
00:04:26,443 --> 00:04:29,320
- Pseudolus.
- Seven. Eight.
71
00:04:29,321 --> 00:04:32,240
- Where's five and six?
- I'm coming to them. Nine. Five. Six.
72
00:04:32,241 --> 00:04:35,409
Thank you, citizens.
Do not fear, he will be punished.
73
00:04:35,410 --> 00:04:37,950
- Farewell.
- Farewell.
74
00:04:39,665 --> 00:04:42,458
- Now...
- I know, I should be whipped.
75
00:04:42,459 --> 00:04:46,087
Gently. However, my intentions
were of the noblest.
76
00:04:46,088 --> 00:04:49,132
Hearing that you were
visiting your dear mother,
77
00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:54,345
I wanted to purchase a remembrance...
some bath essence, a new spear.
78
00:04:54,346 --> 00:04:56,556
Fifty more lashes for lying.
79
00:04:56,557 --> 00:05:00,685
You were doing what you always do...
seeking money to buy your freedom.
80
00:05:00,686 --> 00:05:04,272
Freedom? Oh, madam, who would
want to be free of you?
81
00:05:04,273 --> 00:05:05,982
Who indeed?
82
00:05:05,983 --> 00:05:08,943
- Hysterium?
- My mistress calls.
83
00:05:08,944 --> 00:05:12,780
Slave-in-chief, drag this man home
and beat him without mercy.
84
00:05:12,781 --> 00:05:15,616
- I shall be brutal.
- Good. Up.
85
00:05:15,617 --> 00:05:21,164
We go to buy a breeder slave. Attend
to him, Hysterium, my slave of slaves.
86
00:05:21,165 --> 00:05:26,335
I live to grovel. I shall lash him to pulp.
I shall wear out eight whips.
87
00:05:26,336 --> 00:05:30,419
Strong men will blanch.
My arm will...
88
00:05:32,509 --> 00:05:36,971
Come along. They're all from
Gaul and they're all from Egypt.
89
00:05:36,972 --> 00:05:39,098
You, sir... and you.
90
00:05:39,099 --> 00:05:44,437
Come along now, gents. They're all
fresh in today. Don't waste my time.
91
00:05:44,438 --> 00:05:49,692
No? Try Fertilla the Populator.
300 pounds of fertile flesh.
92
00:05:49,693 --> 00:05:56,777
Has produced 18 healthy little slaves,
and is capable of producing 18 more.
93
00:05:58,118 --> 00:06:01,156
You won't regret it.
94
00:06:09,296 --> 00:06:10,588
Oh!
95
00:06:10,589 --> 00:06:14,173
It is time we were gone. Senex?
96
00:06:16,011 --> 00:06:18,179
Hysterium?
97
00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:24,769
Ah, here you are. And there I am. A gift for
my mother on the anniversary of her birth.
98
00:06:24,770 --> 00:06:27,438
104 and not an organ
in working condition.
99
00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:30,650
- Will it please her?
- The craftsmanship is superb.
100
00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:32,860
- And the likeness?
- Frightening.
101
00:06:32,861 --> 00:06:33,986
We go.
102
00:06:33,987 --> 00:06:38,574
Hysterium, here are my husband's final
instructions. Watch over our son Hero.
103
00:06:38,575 --> 00:06:42,620
Keep him cheerful, well fed and
far from the opposite sex.
104
00:06:42,621 --> 00:06:44,330
He must learn sometime.
105
00:06:44,331 --> 00:06:47,917
When that time comes, you shall
teach him... what little you know.
106
00:06:47,918 --> 00:06:53,506
Above all, do not let his eyes stray to that
house next door. I hold you responsible.
107
00:06:53,507 --> 00:06:57,135
- Rather than let you down, I would die.
- That is what I had in mind.
108
00:06:57,136 --> 00:06:59,137
- Furthermore...
- We are on our way.
109
00:06:59,138 --> 00:07:04,100
- We are on our way.
- Come, Senex. Carry my bust with pride.
110
00:07:04,101 --> 00:07:09,147
Yes, dear. A lesson to remember:
never fall in love during a total eclipse.
111
00:07:09,148 --> 00:07:10,893
Thank you, sir.
112
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,653
- Where is Hero?
- He's in his room, studying with his tutor.
113
00:07:15,654 --> 00:07:22,702
"The sun and the moon revolve around
the Earth, as do the four planets."
114
00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:29,125
"Above all there is a great blue bowl,
which is the sky. There are many stars..."
115
00:07:29,126 --> 00:07:34,172
"..capable of much pleasure, among
which the brushing of a flower..."
116
00:07:34,173 --> 00:07:38,885
"Many stars have been named
by the Egyptian astronomers,
117
00:07:38,886 --> 00:07:44,098
but we have developed our modern
system of astronomy from the Greeks."
118
00:07:44,099 --> 00:07:47,933
Who, as you know,
were very poor scholars.
119
00:07:48,812 --> 00:07:52,857
"The Earth is a flat platform
of ground that meets..."
120
00:07:52,858 --> 00:07:58,518
Take this message of my love to
she who has captured my heart.
121
00:08:05,496 --> 00:08:08,164
That breeder woman, has she
been thrown a mate yet?
122
00:08:08,165 --> 00:08:12,293
Alas, she refuses just any slave.
She demands to choose.
123
00:08:12,294 --> 00:08:16,297
Choose? She'll breed and like it,
like everyone else. Almost everyone.
124
00:08:16,298 --> 00:08:20,802
We caught your runaway slave. Now he
dare challenge our right to execute him.
125
00:08:20,803 --> 00:08:25,556
I'm a family slave. What's the good of
that if you're executed by strangers?
126
00:08:25,557 --> 00:08:29,477
- He is correct. We shall torture him.
- See how they look after their own?
127
00:08:29,478 --> 00:08:33,272
Hold your tongue.
Thank you, Officer.
128
00:08:33,273 --> 00:08:37,777
Now, what can we devise?
Something suitable and lingering.
129
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,612
- May I suggest...?
- You may not.
130
00:08:39,613 --> 00:08:42,073
- Hang him.
- Hanging is too good for him.
131
00:08:42,074 --> 00:08:44,283
- Much too good.
- By the feet?
132
00:08:44,284 --> 00:08:45,952
That doesn't hurt much.
133
00:08:45,953 --> 00:08:49,539
Hanging by the feet while
being lashed. They hate that.
134
00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:54,460
They should hate that. If I suggest
that we try to find some other method,
135
00:08:54,461 --> 00:08:58,589
it is only because I happen to be
completely impervious to physical pain,
136
00:08:58,590 --> 00:09:02,424
and I can't stand the thought
of spoiling your pleasure.
137
00:09:05,097 --> 00:09:08,933
- I thought you were impervious to pain.
- Not my own.
138
00:09:08,934 --> 00:09:10,476
Ah!
139
00:09:10,477 --> 00:09:12,562
- You like him?
- I like him.
140
00:09:12,563 --> 00:09:15,982
Have him. Congratulations,
your life has been spared.
141
00:09:15,983 --> 00:09:19,110
May it be long, healthy
and productive.
142
00:09:19,111 --> 00:09:21,696
Productive as a breeder?
143
00:09:21,697 --> 00:09:23,030
Hang me.
144
00:09:23,031 --> 00:09:25,992
This is your house. Come, come.
145
00:09:25,993 --> 00:09:28,703
Well, visit at any
time, dear neighbour.
146
00:09:28,704 --> 00:09:32,248
No obligation to buy,
just come in and browse.
147
00:09:32,249 --> 00:09:36,043
Senex! Come away from
that house of shame.
148
00:09:36,044 --> 00:09:40,210
I was only just standing here
and saying "Shame, shame."
149
00:09:41,967 --> 00:09:45,918
For your own good,
Hysterium, look after Hero.
150
00:10:01,904 --> 00:10:04,112
Shh!
151
00:10:09,203 --> 00:10:13,164
- What brings you up here?
- I was trying to get in...
152
00:10:13,165 --> 00:10:17,460
In there? You must never know
what goes on in that house.
153
00:10:17,461 --> 00:10:21,828
- But I do know.
- You do? Isn't it amazing?
154
00:10:22,716 --> 00:10:25,927
- Pseudolus, I'm in love!
- Well, that's very...
155
00:10:25,928 --> 00:10:29,472
In love? You? Who is she?
156
00:10:29,473 --> 00:10:32,141
Sometimes you can see
her in that window.
157
00:10:32,142 --> 00:10:35,228
A common courtesan in
the house of Lycus?
158
00:10:35,229 --> 00:10:39,023
- Is that disgraceful?
- It doesn't sound like an achievement.
159
00:10:39,024 --> 00:10:42,527
I don't care. I will give
anything for her. Anything.
160
00:10:42,528 --> 00:10:45,154
- You really love that girl?
- Oh!
161
00:10:45,155 --> 00:10:47,115
I like the way you said that.
162
00:10:47,116 --> 00:10:51,410
Master Hero, you cannot buy her... at
your age you're not allowed to buy her...
163
00:10:51,411 --> 00:10:56,374
but suppose someone with tremendous
cunning could arrange for her to be yours.
164
00:10:56,375 --> 00:10:57,083
Yes.
165
00:10:57,084 --> 00:11:01,045
If that someone could arrange
it, what would you give me?
166
00:11:01,046 --> 00:11:02,922
I will give you everything I own.
167
00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:07,343
But what do you own? 20 minae,
a collection of seashells... and me.
168
00:11:07,344 --> 00:11:08,261
Yes.
169
00:11:08,262 --> 00:11:12,974
Forget about the minae and the
seashells. Just give me me.
170
00:11:12,975 --> 00:11:16,310
- Give you you?
- My freedom.
171
00:11:16,311 --> 00:11:19,772
Pseudolus, people do not go
around freeing slaves every day.
172
00:11:19,773 --> 00:11:23,192
Be the first, start a fashion.
173
00:11:23,193 --> 00:11:26,979
- Get me that girl.
- And if I do?
174
00:11:27,406 --> 00:11:30,575
- You are free.
- I am what?
175
00:11:31,743 --> 00:11:35,244
- Free.
- Free!
176
00:11:49,136 --> 00:11:52,013
If I've told you once I've
told you a hundred times,
177
00:11:52,014 --> 00:11:54,390
do not fan the girls
when they're wet!
178
00:11:54,391 --> 00:11:58,675
But you'll never learn.
You'll be a eunuch all your life.
179
00:12:14,661 --> 00:12:18,032
Oh! You bitch!
180
00:12:22,586 --> 00:12:26,170
I know that sound. And I love it.
181
00:12:26,507 --> 00:12:30,176
Ugh! You. How did you
come into money?
182
00:12:30,177 --> 00:12:31,969
An unexpected legacy.
183
00:12:31,970 --> 00:12:36,849
My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant
breeder, came to an untimely end.
184
00:12:36,850 --> 00:12:40,186
He was crushed to death on the
last day of the mating season.
185
00:12:40,187 --> 00:12:44,774
- This morning I bought my freedom.
- Congratulations... citizen.
186
00:12:44,775 --> 00:12:48,069
With this much left over
for one gross indulgence.
187
00:12:48,070 --> 00:12:51,614
Lycus, I am in the market
for a lifetime companion.
188
00:12:51,615 --> 00:12:58,162
I say in all modesty, I have an assortment
of beauty second to none, and... Who?
189
00:12:58,163 --> 00:13:01,749
My former young master.
Thought I'd further his education.
190
00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:05,253
He's bored with picture books.
You understand?
191
00:13:05,254 --> 00:13:10,383
Who better than I?
Come in, little boy, won't you?
192
00:13:10,384 --> 00:13:13,754
Eunuchs, quickly. A buyer!
193
00:13:23,439 --> 00:13:25,481
Was 1 a good year?
194
00:13:25,482 --> 00:13:29,485
Now, for your approval and possible
purchase, from out of the East,
195
00:13:29,486 --> 00:13:33,948
with the face of an idol, the arms of
a willow tree, the pelvis of a camel:
196
00:13:33,949 --> 00:13:36,525
Tintinabula.
197
00:14:18,035 --> 00:14:19,994
Was this the one?
198
00:14:19,995 --> 00:14:21,579
No.
199
00:14:21,580 --> 00:14:24,624
Don't you have anyone
in there a bit less noisy?
200
00:14:24,625 --> 00:14:26,542
I have.
201
00:14:26,543 --> 00:14:31,172
Vibrata. A desert bloom of indescribable
beauty. Lithe as a tigress.
202
00:14:31,173 --> 00:14:34,759
Wondrous as a flamingo. For he
whose interest is the wildlife.
203
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,299
Thank you.
204
00:15:19,888 --> 00:15:21,973
- No.
- Uh!
205
00:15:21,974 --> 00:15:26,561
Frankly, I was hoping to live past my
wedding night. She seems a bit too...
206
00:15:26,562 --> 00:15:28,771
No matter. I understand.
207
00:15:28,772 --> 00:15:31,691
Consider the Gemini:
a matched pair.
208
00:15:31,692 --> 00:15:34,986
Look at them... either one a
divinely assembled woman,
209
00:15:34,987 --> 00:15:41,240
together, an infinite number
of mathematical possibilities.
210
00:16:00,971 --> 00:16:03,222
No.
211
00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:07,435
I'm a man of limited means, and I don't
suppose you'd want to break up a set.
212
00:16:07,436 --> 00:16:09,729
I couldn't. You do understand?
213
00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:12,732
Completely. Do go on.
214
00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:17,278
And on, and on, and
on, and on, and on.
215
00:16:17,279 --> 00:16:22,033
Enough! I know what you want.
Behold Panacea.
216
00:16:22,034 --> 00:16:25,036
Panacea, whose face holds
a thousand promises,
217
00:16:25,037 --> 00:16:28,407
and a body that stands
behind each promise.
218
00:16:50,354 --> 00:16:52,893
No.
219
00:17:08,622 --> 00:17:12,834
Don't misunderstand... it's the proportions.
I love the breadth, it's the length.
220
00:17:12,835 --> 00:17:17,130
She may be the right length, but is
she right for me? You see what I mean?
221
00:17:17,131 --> 00:17:20,508
- Isn't she a bit too short?
- Definitely not.
222
00:17:20,509 --> 00:17:23,511
- Too tall?
- That's where you're perfect together.
223
00:17:23,512 --> 00:17:27,390
Yes, but how often will we find
ourselves in this position?
224
00:17:27,391 --> 00:17:30,435
No need to compromise.
225
00:17:30,436 --> 00:17:34,684
My final offering: Gymnasia,
the silent woman.
226
00:17:34,773 --> 00:17:40,149
A giant stage upon which a
thousand dramas may be played.
227
00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:54,917
You can speak with her?
228
00:17:54,918 --> 00:17:59,796
Whilst a child I had a nurse
from the Isle of Silent Women.
229
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:03,259
- May I have my foot back?
- You poor child.
230
00:18:03,260 --> 00:18:04,886
- Pseudolus!
- Yes, darling?
231
00:18:04,887 --> 00:18:07,430
Do you want your freedom?
232
00:18:07,431 --> 00:18:10,892
- More than ever. I'll take her.
- That's not the one.
233
00:18:10,893 --> 00:18:14,562
But yours isn't here. It's not
nice to walk out without buying...
234
00:18:14,563 --> 00:18:16,147
I want my...
235
00:18:16,148 --> 00:18:19,275
If you must squabble, do it
in a place of less character.
236
00:18:19,276 --> 00:18:21,652
I know your type: shoppers.
237
00:18:21,653 --> 00:18:24,989
Please don't touch the merchandise.
It shows every mark.
238
00:18:24,990 --> 00:18:28,826
Courtesans, back to your quarters.
I'll be back for noonday prayers.
239
00:18:28,827 --> 00:18:32,955
Move. Do you mind? Out! Please,
quickly, out. Both of you, go.
240
00:18:32,956 --> 00:18:36,209
- Quickly, out. Out.
- There she is!
241
00:18:36,210 --> 00:18:41,339
One moment. Did I not just spy a golden
head with sky-blue eyes on yon balcony?
242
00:18:41,340 --> 00:18:44,383
Oh, that one. A recent arrival
from Crete. A virgin.
243
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:47,345
- A virgin.
- Is that good?
244
00:18:47,346 --> 00:18:50,181
- Only today she was sold.
- Sold?
245
00:18:50,182 --> 00:18:53,766
Then receive, O bosom,
thy fatal blade.
246
00:18:54,269 --> 00:18:57,897
Behave yourself. She was sold?
247
00:18:57,898 --> 00:19:01,526
Yes. To the agents of a Roman captain.
He claims her this very day.
248
00:19:01,527 --> 00:19:03,903
- Today!
- She cost 500 minae.
249
00:19:03,904 --> 00:19:07,406
- Then receive, O bosom, thy...
- Put your bosom away.
250
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:10,076
- You say she just arrived from Crete?
- Yes.
251
00:19:10,077 --> 00:19:14,372
I hope the captain is kind to her.
She deserves a bit of affection before...
252
00:19:14,373 --> 00:19:18,459
- Tragic, is it not?
- What? What's tragic?
253
00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:20,545
- The news from Crete.
- What news?
254
00:19:20,546 --> 00:19:23,589
Why should I darken your day?
Farewell, Lycus.
255
00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:25,550
- What is the news?
- What news?
256
00:19:25,551 --> 00:19:28,553
- The news from Crete?
- You force me to tell you.
257
00:19:28,554 --> 00:19:32,723
Crete is being ravaged by a plague.
People are dying by the thousands.
258
00:19:32,724 --> 00:19:35,601
This girl is healthy.
She smiles through the day.
259
00:19:35,602 --> 00:19:38,688
I thought you knew... when
they smile, the end is near.
260
00:19:38,689 --> 00:19:39,772
- No.
- Yes.
261
00:19:39,773 --> 00:19:43,985
I'm told it is lovely now in Crete...
everyone lying there, smiling.
262
00:19:43,986 --> 00:19:46,154
Is it... is it contagious?
263
00:19:46,155 --> 00:19:49,991
- You ever see a plague that wasn't?
- What about my other girls?
264
00:19:49,992 --> 00:19:51,951
You'd best get her out of here.
265
00:19:51,952 --> 00:19:55,997
- Yes. But where? How?
- I'll take her before the captain arrives.
266
00:19:55,998 --> 00:20:00,168
Capital! I'll go fetch her.
Why should you risk...?
267
00:20:00,169 --> 00:20:04,922
Because I've already had the plague.
I would tell you all about it, but...
268
00:20:04,923 --> 00:20:07,961
No. I'll go fetch her.
Don't go away.
269
00:20:08,177 --> 00:20:10,636
Pseudolus, I'm to be with her!
270
00:20:10,637 --> 00:20:14,015
- Until the captain arrives this forenoon.
- Yes.
271
00:20:14,016 --> 00:20:15,391
- Wait.
- Yes?
272
00:20:15,392 --> 00:20:17,351
- A brilliant idea.
- Yes!
273
00:20:17,352 --> 00:20:19,520
That's what we need,
a brilliant idea.
274
00:20:19,521 --> 00:20:23,941
Go, go! Get a move on. No, don't
touch that pillar. Go, go.
275
00:20:23,942 --> 00:20:27,609
Mind your breathing...
just inhale. Go, go.
276
00:20:28,197 --> 00:20:31,282
Pseudolus, how kind you are.
I shall not forget this.
277
00:20:31,283 --> 00:20:35,536
Someday I shall repay you, for
you, Pseudolus, are a true friend.
278
00:20:35,537 --> 00:20:40,165
And you, Lycus, are a
gentleman and a procurer.
279
00:20:46,340 --> 00:20:48,667
Psst!
280
00:20:49,384 --> 00:20:53,471
To the garden, and break the news that
you're gonna run away to marry her.
281
00:20:53,472 --> 00:20:57,350
- Won't I catch the plague?
- There is no plague. We made that up.
282
00:20:57,351 --> 00:20:59,227
- Clever of us.
- Wasn't it?
283
00:20:59,228 --> 00:21:02,772
I'll hie myself to the harbour to hire
a boat. Hoe you to the garden.
284
00:21:02,773 --> 00:21:06,943
You hie... and I'll hoe.
285
00:21:06,944 --> 00:21:09,483
Good luck.
286
00:21:19,164 --> 00:21:22,749
- My name is Hero.
- My name is Philia.
287
00:21:28,048 --> 00:21:31,884
- I've often seen you.
- I've often seen you, too.
288
00:21:31,885 --> 00:21:37,682
I've watched you undressing at night.
Only from the waist up. It's a high window.
289
00:21:37,683 --> 00:21:39,767
You have beautiful legs.
290
00:21:39,768 --> 00:21:41,894
What?
291
00:21:41,895 --> 00:21:43,020
Oh.
292
00:21:43,021 --> 00:21:45,148
You do, too.
293
00:21:45,149 --> 00:21:47,233
I imagine, I mean.
294
00:21:47,234 --> 00:21:50,319
I would show them to
you, but they're sold.
295
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:54,073
I cost 500 minae. Is
that a lot of money?
296
00:21:54,074 --> 00:21:56,659
- Yes.
- More than 300?
297
00:21:56,660 --> 00:22:01,456
- Nearly twice as much.
- Three and five, they always mix me up.
298
00:22:01,457 --> 00:22:04,417
I hope the captain doesn't
expect me to do adding.
299
00:22:04,418 --> 00:22:06,461
You can't add?
300
00:22:06,462 --> 00:22:12,925
We're taught charm and grace, and no
more. I cannot add or spell or anything.
301
00:22:12,926 --> 00:22:15,094
I have but one talent.
302
00:22:15,095 --> 00:22:18,681
I'm lovely
303
00:22:18,682 --> 00:22:22,602
All I am is lovely
304
00:22:22,603 --> 00:22:29,817
Lovely is the one thing I can do
305
00:22:31,487 --> 00:22:34,322
Winsome
306
00:22:34,323 --> 00:22:38,159
What I am is winsome
307
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:45,374
Radiant as in some dream come true
308
00:22:46,877 --> 00:22:49,587
Oh
309
00:22:49,588 --> 00:22:53,466
Isn't it a shame?
310
00:22:53,467 --> 00:22:57,011
I can neither sew nor cook
311
00:22:57,012 --> 00:23:03,226
Nor read nor write my name
312
00:23:03,227 --> 00:23:07,605
But I'm happy
313
00:23:07,606 --> 00:23:11,526
Merely being lovely
314
00:23:11,527 --> 00:23:19,691
For it's one thing
I can give to you
315
00:23:21,954 --> 00:23:24,530
Philia, say my name.
316
00:23:24,623 --> 00:23:26,999
- Just say your name?
- Yes.
317
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,540
Very well, then.
318
00:23:30,254 --> 00:23:32,255
I've forgotten it.
319
00:23:32,256 --> 00:23:33,798
It's Hero.
320
00:23:33,799 --> 00:23:38,511
Forgive me, Hero.
I've no memory for names.
321
00:23:38,512 --> 00:23:42,463
You don't need one.
You don't need anything.
322
00:23:44,518 --> 00:23:48,312
You're lovely
323
00:23:48,313 --> 00:23:52,024
Absolutely lovely
324
00:23:52,025 --> 00:23:58,694
Who'd believe the
loveliness of you?
325
00:24:00,451 --> 00:24:02,994
Winsome
326
00:24:02,995 --> 00:24:06,831
Sweet and warm and winsome
327
00:24:06,832 --> 00:24:14,046
Radiant as in some dream come true
328
00:24:15,174 --> 00:24:21,637
Now Venus would seem tame
329
00:24:21,638 --> 00:24:29,019
Helen and her thousand ships
would have to die of shame
330
00:24:30,272 --> 00:24:34,984
And I'm happy
331
00:24:34,985 --> 00:24:38,946
- Happy that I'm lovely
- Happy that you're lovely
332
00:24:38,947 --> 00:24:47,622
For there's one thing
loveliness can do
333
00:24:47,623 --> 00:24:55,087
It's a gift for me to share
334
00:24:55,088 --> 00:24:59,171
With you
335
00:25:05,098 --> 00:25:07,016
Psst! Psst!
336
00:25:07,017 --> 00:25:10,851
Master Hero, put that down.
337
00:25:11,563 --> 00:25:13,356
Hysterium, this is Philia.
338
00:25:13,357 --> 00:25:18,736
Never mind who she is, who is she?
Where did you find her?
339
00:25:18,737 --> 00:25:21,823
- In the house of Lycus.
- A courtesan? No!
340
00:25:21,824 --> 00:25:24,784
- I am a virgin.
- Of course.
341
00:25:24,785 --> 00:25:29,664
Master Hero, bid farewell to this person
so that she can go about her... business.
342
00:25:29,665 --> 00:25:34,001
- No, no, no. Pseudolus said...
- Pseudolus? I might have known it!
343
00:25:34,002 --> 00:25:37,421
A passage to Thessaly
for two at the first tide.
344
00:25:37,422 --> 00:25:42,051
- In one hour.
- Good. Now, care to play for the boat?
345
00:25:46,974 --> 00:25:50,935
How dare you! Arranging an assignation
between a boy and a you-know-what!
346
00:25:50,936 --> 00:25:53,980
There's something about that
you-know-what you know not.
347
00:25:53,981 --> 00:25:57,358
- What do I know not?
- That girl is my daughter.
348
00:25:57,359 --> 00:25:59,444
- Your what?
- You've heard me speak of her.
349
00:25:59,445 --> 00:26:03,197
- Never. That girl is not your daughter.
- My sister?
350
00:26:03,198 --> 00:26:05,575
- I go tell his parents.
- Wait!
351
00:26:05,576 --> 00:26:10,079
He insisted on meeting her, but she was
sold to a captain who claims her today.
352
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:11,831
What can happen in an hour?
353
00:26:11,832 --> 00:26:14,709
At his age? The mind boggles.
I go tell his parents.
354
00:26:14,710 --> 00:26:17,378
- I go with you.
- You wait till I tell them about you.
355
00:26:17,379 --> 00:26:20,047
No. You wait till I
tell them about you.
356
00:26:20,048 --> 00:26:23,050
Tell them what about me?
I am a pillar of virtue.
357
00:26:23,051 --> 00:26:26,846
It may be of interest that their pillar
of virtue, their slave-in-chief,
358
00:26:26,847 --> 00:26:33,385
has secreted in his cubicle Rome's most
extensive collection of erotic pottery.
359
00:26:33,645 --> 00:26:39,442
When did you acquire that large fruit
bowl with the frieze of the...?
360
00:26:39,443 --> 00:26:40,610
Pseudolus...
361
00:26:40,611 --> 00:26:44,280
- Neither of us is perfect.
- If it is only for an hour or so.
362
00:26:44,281 --> 00:26:50,985
Where's the harm? Especially with the
master and mistress safely out of the way.
363
00:26:57,586 --> 00:27:02,048
I'm worried about Hero. Perhaps I should
go back and keep a fatherly eye...
364
00:27:02,049 --> 00:27:04,376
Senex!
365
00:27:09,473 --> 00:27:12,266
- Stop!
- Whoa!
366
00:27:12,267 --> 00:27:14,894
- I saw that.
- I was stung by a bee.
367
00:27:14,895 --> 00:27:18,022
- Oh, my nose!
- We shall have to have it resharpened.
368
00:27:18,023 --> 00:27:19,148
Here?
369
00:27:19,149 --> 00:27:24,362
I suppose I could hasten back to the
stonecutter and join you tomorrow mor...
370
00:27:24,363 --> 00:27:27,365
No. The trip would tire me.
I should be exhausted.
371
00:27:27,366 --> 00:27:30,493
You shall go back,
you selfish toad. Now.
372
00:27:30,494 --> 00:27:35,623
But, my love, I don't know how I shall
survive the long lonely night without you.
373
00:27:35,624 --> 00:27:39,208
You'll just have to force yourself.
374
00:27:45,759 --> 00:27:48,678
I've just been to the harbour.
We must hurry.
375
00:27:48,679 --> 00:27:51,097
- Are you going somewhere?
- No, but you are.
376
00:27:51,098 --> 00:27:53,637
I cannot go.
377
00:27:54,351 --> 00:27:56,602
Why can you not?
378
00:27:56,603 --> 00:28:00,773
While the captain has a contract, I must
go with him. I must honour my contract.
379
00:28:00,774 --> 00:28:04,569
An honest virgin.
What a terrible combination.
380
00:28:04,570 --> 00:28:08,573
Excuse me. We'll give her a
little knock on the head and...
381
00:28:08,574 --> 00:28:11,367
No, I will not use
force against her.
382
00:28:11,368 --> 00:28:14,787
Venus, why did you bring us
together only to part us?
383
00:28:14,788 --> 00:28:17,206
Be brave, Hero.
384
00:28:17,207 --> 00:28:19,917
For us, there will
never be happiness.
385
00:28:19,918 --> 00:28:24,922
Then we must learn to be happy without it.
When will the captain take me?
386
00:28:24,923 --> 00:28:28,468
In due time you will be
taken, but not in the garden.
387
00:28:28,469 --> 00:28:30,553
- Inside.
- How shall I know it's him?
388
00:28:30,554 --> 00:28:34,098
He will knock on the door three times.
Go on upstairs and wait.
389
00:28:34,099 --> 00:28:39,103
My mistress's bedroom, the green one.
Go, go. Up, up, up. Go, go, go. Master...
390
00:28:39,104 --> 00:28:42,689
Master, she will go
with you, I promise.
391
00:28:48,906 --> 00:28:50,782
She's gone. Good.
392
00:28:50,783 --> 00:28:57,487
Then I'll get you a nice plump peahen. We
must try to get your appetite back to food.
393
00:28:58,081 --> 00:29:00,792
- Our passport to freedom.
- What is it?
394
00:29:00,793 --> 00:29:05,379
I lifted Hysterium's book of potions. We'll
mix a sleeping potion in a beaker of wine.
395
00:29:05,380 --> 00:29:08,716
We'll give it to the girl to drink and
tell Lycus she died of the plague.
396
00:29:08,717 --> 00:29:11,219
You hie her to the boat.
I hie me to the hills... free!
397
00:29:11,220 --> 00:29:15,634
- Brilliant!
- Not brilliant, just... Well, yes, brilliant.
398
00:29:16,892 --> 00:29:19,519
I just remembered
something frightening.
399
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:24,607
I cannot read. Find the sleeping potions,
quickly. The ingredients, quickly.
400
00:29:24,608 --> 00:29:26,275
- Eye of an eel.
- That we have.
401
00:29:26,276 --> 00:29:28,402
- Heart of a snail.
- That we have.
402
00:29:28,403 --> 00:29:32,031
- A cup of mare sweat.
- That we have not.
403
00:29:32,032 --> 00:29:35,618
Mare sweat. Where will we find
mare sweat on a day like this?
404
00:29:35,619 --> 00:29:38,621
Quick! You to the
north, I to the south.
405
00:29:38,622 --> 00:29:41,993
- This is exciting.
- Isn't it? Go!
406
00:29:48,298 --> 00:29:50,838
Follow me!
407
00:29:54,429 --> 00:29:56,637
- That way.
- Yes, yes.
408
00:30:10,821 --> 00:30:13,693
The green bedroom?
Knock three times?
409
00:30:17,369 --> 00:30:19,787
The captain.
410
00:30:19,788 --> 00:30:22,032
Take me. Take me.
411
00:30:22,791 --> 00:30:26,162
- I beg your pardon?
- Take me.
412
00:30:27,713 --> 00:30:30,252
Just a moment.
413
00:30:33,218 --> 00:30:35,720
Now, what did you say?
414
00:30:35,721 --> 00:30:40,516
Take me, my body is yours.
Is this not what you want?
415
00:30:40,517 --> 00:30:43,811
- It has crossed my mind.
- But you must know something.
416
00:30:43,812 --> 00:30:44,937
Yes?
417
00:30:44,938 --> 00:30:48,316
Though you may have my body,
you shall never have my heart.
418
00:30:48,317 --> 00:30:50,818
You can't have everything.
419
00:30:50,819 --> 00:30:55,780
A thousand thanks...
whichever one of you did this.
420
00:30:58,702 --> 00:31:02,747
Would you believe it? There was a mare
sweating not two streets from here.
421
00:31:02,748 --> 00:31:07,001
- Looks more like his father every day.
- Pseudolus, he's here.
422
00:31:07,002 --> 00:31:09,045
- No.
- Remember where we stopped.
423
00:31:09,046 --> 00:31:13,299
- Sir, you're back.
- She almost broke it. Who is she?
424
00:31:13,300 --> 00:31:16,677
You may well ask. "Who is she?"
you ask, as well you may.
425
00:31:16,678 --> 00:31:18,971
- Delightful.
- I await your bidding.
426
00:31:18,972 --> 00:31:21,390
- My bid...
- Ever your servant.
427
00:31:21,391 --> 00:31:25,311
- Ever my servant.
- That's it. Your servant. Your new maid.
428
00:31:25,312 --> 00:31:29,607
- New maid? She seems very loyal.
- Very courteous, efficient, thoughtful.
429
00:31:29,608 --> 00:31:34,521
Maids like me. I'm neat.
I like maids. They're neat.
430
00:31:36,824 --> 00:31:39,742
Everybody ought to have a maid
431
00:31:39,743 --> 00:31:42,578
Everybody ought to
have a working girl
432
00:31:42,579 --> 00:31:45,331
Everybody ought to
have a lurking girl
433
00:31:45,332 --> 00:31:48,417
To potter around the house
434
00:31:48,418 --> 00:31:51,379
Everybody ought to have a maid
435
00:31:51,380 --> 00:31:53,923
Everybody ought to have a menial
436
00:31:53,924 --> 00:31:57,176
Consistently congenial
437
00:31:57,177 --> 00:32:00,429
And quieter than a mouse
438
00:32:00,430 --> 00:32:03,516
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious
439
00:32:03,517 --> 00:32:06,310
Tidying up the
dishes, neat as a pin?
440
00:32:06,311 --> 00:32:10,648
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be
delightful, sweeping out?
441
00:32:10,649 --> 00:32:12,066
Sleeping in
442
00:32:12,067 --> 00:32:14,819
Everybody ought to have a maid
443
00:32:14,820 --> 00:32:17,029
Someone who when
fetching you your slipper
444
00:32:17,030 --> 00:32:20,450
Will be winsome as a whippoorwill
445
00:32:20,451 --> 00:32:23,411
And graceful as a grouse
446
00:32:23,412 --> 00:32:26,456
Fluttering up the stairways,
shuttering up the windows
447
00:32:26,457 --> 00:32:29,292
Cluttering up the bedroom,
buttering up the master
448
00:32:29,293 --> 00:32:33,625
Puttering all around the house
449
00:32:35,174 --> 00:32:36,799
- A maid?
- A maid.
450
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:38,092
- A maid?
- A maid.
451
00:32:38,093 --> 00:32:40,636
Everybody ought to have a maid
452
00:32:40,637 --> 00:32:43,598
Everybody ought to
have a serving girl
453
00:32:43,599 --> 00:32:46,559
A loyal and unswerving girl
454
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:49,598
Who's quieter than a mouse
455
00:32:50,314 --> 00:32:53,107
Oh, oh, think of
her at the dustbin
456
00:32:53,108 --> 00:32:56,027
'Specially when she's
just been traipsing about
457
00:32:56,028 --> 00:33:00,364
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be
delightful, living in?
458
00:33:00,365 --> 00:33:01,741
Giving out
459
00:33:01,742 --> 00:33:04,452
Everybody ought to have a maid
460
00:33:04,453 --> 00:33:07,330
Someone who you hire
when you're short of help
461
00:33:07,331 --> 00:33:12,457
To offer you the sort of help
you never get from a spouse
462
00:33:13,295 --> 00:33:16,380
- Pattering through the attic
- Chattering in the cellar
463
00:33:16,381 --> 00:33:19,258
- Clattering in the kitchen
- Flattering in the bedroom
464
00:33:19,259 --> 00:33:23,554
Pottering all around the house
465
00:33:23,555 --> 00:33:25,807
The virgin, how is she?
466
00:33:25,808 --> 00:33:27,016
- A maid.
- A maid.
467
00:33:27,017 --> 00:33:28,559
- A maid.
- A maid?
468
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,270
Everybody ought to have a maid
469
00:33:31,271 --> 00:33:34,148
Someone who's
efficient and reliable
470
00:33:34,149 --> 00:33:38,943
Obedient and pliable
and quieter than a mouse
471
00:33:40,823 --> 00:33:43,658
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be so nimble
472
00:33:43,659 --> 00:33:46,536
Fiddling with a
thimble, mending a gown?
473
00:33:46,537 --> 00:33:50,915
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be
delightful, cleaning up?
474
00:33:50,916 --> 00:33:52,416
Leaning down
475
00:33:52,417 --> 00:33:55,128
Everybody ought to have a maid
476
00:33:55,129 --> 00:33:57,964
Someone who'll be
busy as a bumblebee
477
00:33:57,965 --> 00:34:00,216
And even if you grumble
478
00:34:00,217 --> 00:34:03,594
Be as graceful as a grouse
479
00:34:03,595 --> 00:34:06,764
- Wriggling in the anteroom
- Jiggling in the living room
480
00:34:06,765 --> 00:34:09,725
- Giggling in the dining room
- Wiggling in the other rooms
481
00:34:09,726 --> 00:34:14,105
Pottering all around the house
482
00:34:14,106 --> 00:34:17,817
The virgin, how is she?
Tell me, I want to know how she...
483
00:34:17,818 --> 00:34:20,653
- The house
- How is the virgin?!
484
00:34:20,654 --> 00:34:23,531
The house
485
00:34:23,532 --> 00:34:28,494
She's very low. Remember the smile?
It's now nearly a grin.
486
00:34:28,495 --> 00:34:33,499
I pray she lasts. I had a bad experience
with an officer to whom I had sold a virgin.
487
00:34:33,500 --> 00:34:36,085
- What happened?
- She turned out to be a dud.
488
00:34:36,086 --> 00:34:38,421
A dud virgin? How
could that happen?
489
00:34:38,422 --> 00:34:42,800
You see, the fellow who sold me the
dud virgin also sold me a dud eunuch.
490
00:34:42,801 --> 00:34:48,014
- I'll keep this one alive as long as I can.
- You're a saint.
491
00:34:48,015 --> 00:34:52,101
I shall instruct the new maid in
housework. Starting in my room.
492
00:34:52,102 --> 00:34:56,689
But, sir, your son may
be in that very house.
493
00:34:56,690 --> 00:34:57,815
Oh, dear.
494
00:34:57,816 --> 00:35:01,652
- Sir, this house is empty.
- So it is, sir.
495
00:35:01,653 --> 00:35:06,949
Before your friend Erronius went abroad in
search of his children stolen by pirates,
496
00:35:06,950 --> 00:35:09,368
he asked you to look
into his house.
497
00:35:09,369 --> 00:35:13,122
Yes. Now might be as good a time
as any. Send the girl in here.
498
00:35:13,123 --> 00:35:18,127
But, sir. Only my deepest devotion to
you allows me to speak so frankly.
499
00:35:18,128 --> 00:35:23,374
You have trudged the road some way, and
I fear that this great physical exertion...
500
00:35:26,053 --> 00:35:30,014
Great heavens. Is that me?
501
00:35:30,015 --> 00:35:33,059
I smell like an overheated horse.
I must bathe.
502
00:35:33,060 --> 00:35:37,973
At least. Shall I send the
girl to you, say, in one hour?
503
00:35:38,816 --> 00:35:41,604
At least.
504
00:35:49,326 --> 00:35:54,372
Home at last. After years of
searching for my long lost children,
505
00:35:54,373 --> 00:35:57,792
how good it is to see
this street once more.
506
00:35:57,793 --> 00:36:04,165
These tired old eyes fill with tears
at the sight of the little they see.
507
00:36:08,303 --> 00:36:12,140
Pardon me, young woman.
I'm sorry, but I...
508
00:36:12,141 --> 00:36:14,642
Oh, what a lovely baby.
509
00:36:14,643 --> 00:36:20,606
Just about the age of my children when
they were stolen in infancy by pirates.
510
00:36:20,607 --> 00:36:24,694
But at least I have the
comforts of my lonely home.
511
00:36:24,695 --> 00:36:26,195
Sir!
512
00:36:26,196 --> 00:36:30,783
- Who are you?
- Hysterium, sir. Servant to Senex.
513
00:36:30,784 --> 00:36:34,238
Oh, everybody ought to have...
514
00:36:35,539 --> 00:36:37,957
- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.
515
00:36:37,958 --> 00:36:40,501
Oh, oh...
516
00:36:40,502 --> 00:36:42,420
I didn't hear that either.
517
00:36:42,421 --> 00:36:45,631
- It was an eerie sound.
- Eerie sound?
518
00:36:45,632 --> 00:36:47,550
Like the house was haunted.
519
00:36:47,551 --> 00:36:52,513
Sir, what I'm about to tell you is eerie.
Your house is haunted.
520
00:36:52,514 --> 00:36:55,057
- Haunted?
- Haunted as the day is long.
521
00:36:55,058 --> 00:36:58,895
Perhaps you should stay with
relatives, distant relatives.
522
00:36:58,896 --> 00:37:02,148
Yes. No. Fetch me a soothsayer.
523
00:37:02,149 --> 00:37:05,318
- A soothsayer?
- He must search my house at once.
524
00:37:10,908 --> 00:37:14,118
Sir, you're in need
of a soothsayer.
525
00:37:14,119 --> 00:37:18,202
- How did you know?
- I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.
526
00:37:18,248 --> 00:37:22,367
- There's a spirit in my hou...
- Silence!
527
00:37:23,420 --> 00:37:25,671
I'm about to say the sooth.
528
00:37:25,672 --> 00:37:29,008
You... I see it. I see everything.
529
00:37:29,009 --> 00:37:32,303
You... you have been...
530
00:37:32,304 --> 00:37:35,181
abroad for...
531
00:37:35,182 --> 00:37:37,758
20 years. You have been...
532
00:37:37,893 --> 00:37:40,937
searching for...
533
00:37:40,938 --> 00:37:42,772
a child.
534
00:37:42,773 --> 00:37:45,312
No, two childs.
535
00:37:46,443 --> 00:37:49,315
A fine big boy...
536
00:37:50,614 --> 00:37:53,574
and a strange little boy.
537
00:37:53,575 --> 00:37:56,862
No, no.
538
00:37:58,372 --> 00:38:01,374
A girl! A girl. A boy and a girl.
539
00:38:01,375 --> 00:38:04,919
- Can you find them for me?
- Certainly I can find them.
540
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:09,799
Each wear a ring that has engraved
upon it a gaggle of geese.
541
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:14,887
There are only two more like this in
the world, and my children wear them.
542
00:38:14,888 --> 00:38:18,015
- How many geese in a gaggle?
- At least seven.
543
00:38:18,016 --> 00:38:21,102
Seven?! Before I say
the sooth again,
544
00:38:21,103 --> 00:38:25,481
you must run seven times around
the Seven Hills of Rome.
545
00:38:25,482 --> 00:38:30,653
- And the spirit?
- It will be gone after you do my bidding.
546
00:38:30,654 --> 00:38:32,363
- Thanks.
- To the hills!
547
00:38:32,364 --> 00:38:35,032
- To the hills.
- Oh.
548
00:38:35,033 --> 00:38:39,317
- This is the way, sir.
- Thank you, young woman.
549
00:38:41,081 --> 00:38:44,709
Sir, sir! You forgot your gaggle!
550
00:38:44,710 --> 00:38:47,795
You see? Everything
is turning out fine.
551
00:38:47,796 --> 00:38:52,425
When the master thinks the virgin's a
maid, the virgin thinks she's his mistress,
552
00:38:52,426 --> 00:38:54,802
and the mistress doesn't
know about her son?
553
00:38:54,803 --> 00:38:59,891
See that the master stays in the bath the
next hour, and I'll get the girl out of here.
554
00:38:59,892 --> 00:39:03,561
- How soon?
- When Hero brings more mare sweat.
555
00:39:03,562 --> 00:39:05,104
Mare sweat?!
556
00:39:05,105 --> 00:39:11,275
There's no need to remind me.
I need some more bath towels at once.
557
00:39:13,447 --> 00:39:17,197
Be patient, my dear. I shall
not keep you panting long.
558
00:39:25,542 --> 00:39:32,089
Come on, you rotten slave, move.
Pick those chains up. Come on!
559
00:39:32,090 --> 00:39:35,301
Ah, thank you, lad.
It is thirsty work.
560
00:39:35,302 --> 00:39:38,044
That's mine.
561
00:39:38,096 --> 00:39:40,423
Ah!
562
00:40:02,329 --> 00:40:06,415
- Yes?
- Is this the house of Marcus Lycus?
563
00:40:06,416 --> 00:40:09,372
- Yes.
- Then aside, eunuch.
564
00:40:14,216 --> 00:40:17,343
Inform Lycus we would
see him at once.
565
00:40:17,344 --> 00:40:21,180
Yes, possibilities. Carry on.
Was that a customer, dear eunuch?
566
00:40:21,181 --> 00:40:26,727
Welcome, most noble warrior. Won't you
come in? Perhaps some wine. Perhaps...
567
00:40:26,728 --> 00:40:28,521
No, no, no, no, no, no.
568
00:40:28,522 --> 00:40:32,400
We are emissaries from he for whom
a maiden was purchased from you.
569
00:40:32,401 --> 00:40:33,526
A maiden.
570
00:40:33,527 --> 00:40:38,489
She'll be claimed within the hour by our
illustrious captain, Miles Gloriosus.
571
00:40:38,490 --> 00:40:40,992
I know that name.
I don't think I like it.
572
00:40:40,993 --> 00:40:42,869
The mighty Miles bids you know
573
00:40:42,870 --> 00:40:47,248
that he did purchase a maiden from
scum such as yourself some years ago.
574
00:40:47,249 --> 00:40:51,335
This so-called maiden delivered proof
that she'd been nothing of the sort.
575
00:40:51,336 --> 00:40:55,923
- Accidents will happen.
- But never again to the great Gloriosus.
576
00:40:55,924 --> 00:41:00,303
Should anything be amiss with your
maiden, he'll seize your entire stock.
577
00:41:00,304 --> 00:41:03,764
- That's fair.
- And then he'll burn down your house.
578
00:41:03,765 --> 00:41:05,600
- Reasonable.
- Then he'll...
579
00:41:05,601 --> 00:41:11,105
No, no. Inform the captain the maid will be
ready and very willing and very healthy.
580
00:41:11,106 --> 00:41:13,191
Ah!
581
00:41:13,192 --> 00:41:15,565
With just a slight touch of plague.
582
00:41:16,069 --> 00:41:20,907
Excuse me. Have you seen a handsome
youth running after a sweating horse?
583
00:41:20,908 --> 00:41:23,201
Very generous of you, sir.
584
00:41:23,202 --> 00:41:28,289
Excuse me, madam. A cool youth and a
hot mare, have you by any chance...?
585
00:41:28,290 --> 00:41:30,833
Most kind of you, madam.
586
00:41:30,834 --> 00:41:33,790
Sir, might I ask...?
587
00:41:34,171 --> 00:41:37,126
Thank you humbly, sir.
588
00:41:47,017 --> 00:41:50,304
Master Hero has been here.
589
00:41:53,315 --> 00:41:56,187
Thank you kindly, sir.
590
00:41:57,194 --> 00:42:00,071
I'm sorry, I can't stop now. I...
591
00:42:00,072 --> 00:42:03,110
You've been sold? To whom?
592
00:42:03,325 --> 00:42:06,953
A Syrian shepherd? He's
collecting you within the hour.
593
00:42:06,954 --> 00:42:09,372
I may never see her again. Listen.
594
00:42:09,373 --> 00:42:10,957
In a few...
595
00:42:10,958 --> 00:42:14,791
In a few... Listen carefully!
596
00:42:21,218 --> 00:42:22,833
Aahh!
597
00:42:27,015 --> 00:42:31,477
In one hour the captain arrives.
How can I save my head?
598
00:42:31,478 --> 00:42:35,398
One hour before the Syrian shepherd
arrives. How can I save Gymnasia?
599
00:42:35,399 --> 00:42:39,068
If I could find someone to take
my place for an hour. But who?
600
00:42:39,069 --> 00:42:44,196
If I could but take Lycus's
place for one hour. But how?
601
00:42:44,783 --> 00:42:47,076
Excuse me. Not at all.
602
00:42:47,077 --> 00:42:49,537
- Pseudolus.
- Lycus.
603
00:42:49,538 --> 00:42:52,081
Hail, Marcus Lycus.
I was looking for you.
604
00:42:52,082 --> 00:42:54,041
But I was looking for you.
605
00:42:54,042 --> 00:42:55,835
- Isn't that amazing?
- Fantastic.
606
00:42:55,836 --> 00:42:58,087
It's about the girls...
607
00:42:58,088 --> 00:42:59,797
Did you say "It's about the girls?"
608
00:42:59,798 --> 00:43:01,132
- Yes. Did you?
- Yes.
609
00:43:01,133 --> 00:43:02,717
- Amazing.
- Fantastic.
610
00:43:02,718 --> 00:43:06,137
You see, it occurred to me
when you were in my place...
611
00:43:06,138 --> 00:43:08,639
- That I didn't have time...
- ..To decide...
612
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:13,394
- ..about choosing a wife.
- Precisely. What a marvellous rapport.
613
00:43:13,395 --> 00:43:15,313
- Amazing.
- Fantastic.
614
00:43:15,314 --> 00:43:17,148
And so I was thinking...
615
00:43:17,149 --> 00:43:19,901
- That I'd spend more time...
- Alone...
616
00:43:19,902 --> 00:43:21,569
..with the girls.
617
00:43:21,570 --> 00:43:25,823
Lycus, you're making me cry.
618
00:43:25,824 --> 00:43:28,075
One other thing.
You see, my father...
619
00:43:28,076 --> 00:43:29,911
- You have a father?
- Yes.
620
00:43:29,912 --> 00:43:32,455
- Isn't that amazing?
- Fantastic.
621
00:43:32,456 --> 00:43:38,085
Furthermore, he's on his way to my house
and he thinks I'm just a tradesman.
622
00:43:38,086 --> 00:43:42,340
Poor fellow. But what if, when he arrives,
we have moved the girls elsewhere?
623
00:43:42,341 --> 00:43:46,260
Yes. But how to find a
suitable elsewhere.
624
00:43:46,261 --> 00:43:48,971
- Where else?
- The house of the good Senex.
625
00:43:48,972 --> 00:43:51,432
Why not? He's out of
the way for an hour.
626
00:43:51,433 --> 00:43:56,646
But who will take care of my place? The
shepherd comes to buy the silent woman.
627
00:43:56,647 --> 00:43:59,816
I don't suppose, Pseudolus,
I could impose upon you...
628
00:43:59,817 --> 00:44:03,277
To take your place? Pretend
that I'm you for an hour?
629
00:44:03,278 --> 00:44:05,863
Lycus, it would be a privilege.
630
00:44:05,864 --> 00:44:08,199
Oh, now you're making me cry.
631
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:10,076
Oh, one more thing.
632
00:44:10,077 --> 00:44:13,913
The captain who comes for the virgin,
should he arrive while I'm gone...
633
00:44:13,914 --> 00:44:16,958
- Mind you, I do not...
- I'll just hand her over.
634
00:44:16,959 --> 00:44:19,877
If she's not alive, fob him
off with another girl.
635
00:44:19,878 --> 00:44:23,131
I'm told he's a most kind,
gentle and considerate man.
636
00:44:23,132 --> 00:44:25,758
- Have no fears.
- I won't, dear Pseudolus.
637
00:44:25,759 --> 00:44:29,675
And may I say, you will
never live to regret this.
638
00:44:34,101 --> 00:44:39,272
Gone to see a nose grinder indeed.
He's cavorting with those courtesans.
639
00:44:39,273 --> 00:44:42,233
- But, Mother, what can I do?
- Do?
640
00:44:42,234 --> 00:44:47,530
Return to Rome immediately, before he
can do what no doubt he's already done.
641
00:44:47,531 --> 00:44:49,442
Go!
642
00:44:57,416 --> 00:44:58,708
Come on, now.
643
00:44:58,709 --> 00:45:00,835
Right. Hey, hey!
644
00:45:00,836 --> 00:45:03,163
Hey!
645
00:45:08,510 --> 00:45:11,881
Come on, come on.
646
00:45:12,931 --> 00:45:14,599
Morning.
647
00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:18,936
Quickly, on your feet. The change
will do you good. Quick, quick. Out.
648
00:45:18,937 --> 00:45:21,731
- Come quickly.
- You there!
649
00:45:21,732 --> 00:45:24,025
- You there!
- Go, go.
650
00:45:24,026 --> 00:45:26,986
- Oh, there's so much of you there.
- Later, later.
651
00:45:26,987 --> 00:45:28,946
Go, go.
652
00:45:29,865 --> 00:45:34,911
Why do you stand here? Come on, we
have no time. Come, come, come, come.
653
00:45:34,912 --> 00:45:40,786
You will be gone before that shepherd
arrives. Can you leave immediately?
654
00:45:41,460 --> 00:45:44,212
No arguing. Go away. Come, come.
655
00:45:44,213 --> 00:45:47,882
Oh, Vibrata, really!
Go. Come, come.
656
00:45:47,883 --> 00:45:50,422
First time around.
657
00:45:51,804 --> 00:45:54,510
What was that?
658
00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:08,945
Ho, there. I am seeking the
house of Marcus Lycus.
659
00:46:08,946 --> 00:46:11,614
Who is it that reeks the
louse of Marcus Leakus?
660
00:46:11,615 --> 00:46:13,991
- Hold, sir!
- Who leaks the louse...?
661
00:46:13,992 --> 00:46:19,455
You're not holding, sir. Who is he
that seeks the house of Marcus Lycus?
662
00:46:19,456 --> 00:46:23,459
A foot soldier of Captain
Miles Gloriosus.
663
00:46:23,460 --> 00:46:25,920
- Smartly done.
- Thank you.
664
00:46:25,921 --> 00:46:29,632
My captain dispatches me to inform
you that he's half a league away,
665
00:46:29,633 --> 00:46:32,671
and bids you honour this.
666
00:46:35,848 --> 00:46:38,766
You know what this is, of course?
667
00:46:38,767 --> 00:46:43,438
Of course I know what this is.
This is... writing.
668
00:46:43,439 --> 00:46:47,233
- This is your contract with the captain.
- A pretty piece of work.
669
00:46:47,234 --> 00:46:50,486
- Thank you.
- What is this word here?
670
00:46:51,363 --> 00:46:53,903
That is "Lycus".
671
00:46:54,741 --> 00:46:57,618
- You realise who you are speaking to?
- Yes, sir.
672
00:46:57,619 --> 00:47:01,289
Do you realise what it says there?
673
00:47:01,290 --> 00:47:03,207
I know what it says there.
674
00:47:03,208 --> 00:47:07,044
Words. I intend to stand behind them
or my name is not Marcus Lycus.
675
00:47:07,045 --> 00:47:07,920
Pseudolus!
676
00:47:07,921 --> 00:47:10,756
Or my name is not
Pseudolus Marcus Lycus.
677
00:47:10,757 --> 00:47:13,926
One moment. I must have
a word with my eunuch.
678
00:47:13,927 --> 00:47:16,679
- Oh, please.
- Thank you very much.
679
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:19,671
Come here, eunuch!
680
00:47:20,934 --> 00:47:24,645
Eunuch? How dare you call me that!
681
00:47:24,646 --> 00:47:28,274
You and I know it isn't true, so
why do we care what they think?
682
00:47:28,275 --> 00:47:32,612
- Why are you calling yourself Lycus?
- You see...
683
00:47:32,613 --> 00:47:36,449
- Why should I spoil your day?
- How can you spoil a total disaster?
684
00:47:36,450 --> 00:47:39,368
- The captain comes for the girl now.
- That's terrible.
685
00:47:39,369 --> 00:47:41,746
- Why?
- The master also wants her now.
686
00:47:41,747 --> 00:47:44,540
He can't have her! Just
keep him in that house.
687
00:47:44,541 --> 00:47:46,125
- But, Pseudolus...
- Lycus.
688
00:47:46,126 --> 00:47:47,460
- But, Pseudolus...
- Lycus.
689
00:47:47,461 --> 00:47:50,880
- But, Pseudolus...
- Lycus. I still know about that pottery.
690
00:47:50,881 --> 00:47:55,379
But, Lycus... Goodbye,
Lycus. Farewell, Lycus.
691
00:47:55,677 --> 00:47:58,633
Good luck, Lycus. He is Lycus.
692
00:47:59,598 --> 00:48:03,182
Tell your captain his bride awaits.
693
00:48:03,769 --> 00:48:06,143
Smartly done.
694
00:48:07,189 --> 00:48:09,232
- Hysterium!
- Sire?
695
00:48:09,233 --> 00:48:15,029
Remember that potion which so fills one
with energy one can perform miracles?
696
00:48:15,030 --> 00:48:19,158
Oh, yes, sire. We still have some
left from your wedding night.
697
00:48:19,159 --> 00:48:22,530
- Bring me a beaker.
- Yes, master.
698
00:48:23,956 --> 00:48:27,326
Good afternoon. Good afternoon.
699
00:48:31,922 --> 00:48:34,462
Good afternoon.
700
00:48:54,278 --> 00:48:58,573
My bride, my bride,
I've come to claim my bride
701
00:48:58,574 --> 00:49:02,493
Come tenderly to crush
her against my side
702
00:49:02,494 --> 00:49:06,497
Let haste be made,
I cannot be delayed
703
00:49:06,498 --> 00:49:11,043
There are lands to conquer,
cities to loot, and peoples to degrade
704
00:49:11,044 --> 00:49:13,880
Look at those arms, look at
that chest... look at them!
705
00:49:13,881 --> 00:49:18,426
Not to mention the rest...
even I am impressed!
706
00:49:18,427 --> 00:49:22,722
My bride, my bride,
come, bring to me my bride
707
00:49:22,723 --> 00:49:26,684
My lust for her no
longer can be denied
708
00:49:26,685 --> 00:49:30,730
Convey the news
I have no time to lose
709
00:49:30,731 --> 00:49:35,276
There are towns to plunder,
temples to burn, and women to abuse
710
00:49:35,277 --> 00:49:37,361
Look at that foot,
look at that heel
711
00:49:37,362 --> 00:49:39,363
Mark the magnificent
muscles of steel
712
00:49:39,364 --> 00:49:43,565
I am my ideal
713
00:49:45,746 --> 00:49:49,707
I, Miles Gloriosus
714
00:49:49,708 --> 00:49:53,628
I, slaughterer of thousands
715
00:49:53,629 --> 00:49:56,464
I, oppressor of the meek
716
00:49:56,465 --> 00:49:58,549
Subduer of the weak
717
00:49:58,550 --> 00:50:00,593
Degrader of the Greek
718
00:50:00,594 --> 00:50:02,720
Destroyer of the Turk
719
00:50:02,721 --> 00:50:06,098
Must hurry back to work
720
00:50:06,099 --> 00:50:10,103
I, Miles Gloriosus
721
00:50:10,104 --> 00:50:14,232
I, paragon of virtues
722
00:50:14,233 --> 00:50:17,276
I, in war the most admired
723
00:50:17,277 --> 00:50:19,403
In wit the most inspired
724
00:50:19,404 --> 00:50:21,364
In love the most desired
725
00:50:21,365 --> 00:50:23,699
In dress the best displayed
726
00:50:23,700 --> 00:50:26,744
I am a parade
727
00:50:26,745 --> 00:50:28,830
Look at those eyes,
cunning and keen
728
00:50:28,831 --> 00:50:31,249
Look at the size of those
thighs, like a mighty machine
729
00:50:31,250 --> 00:50:34,168
Those are the mightiest
thighs I ever have theen
730
00:50:34,169 --> 00:50:35,545
I mean...
731
00:50:35,546 --> 00:50:39,549
My bride, my bride,
inform my lucky bride
732
00:50:39,550 --> 00:50:43,261
The fabled arms of
Miles are open wide
733
00:50:43,262 --> 00:50:46,931
Make haste, make haste,
I have no time to waste
734
00:50:46,932 --> 00:50:51,102
There are shrines I should be
sacking, ribs I should be cracking
735
00:50:51,103 --> 00:50:56,065
Eyes to gouge and booty to divide
736
00:50:56,066 --> 00:51:01,727
Bring me my bride
737
00:51:09,246 --> 00:51:14,741
Stand aside, everyone.
I take large steps.
738
00:51:14,751 --> 00:51:17,795
- Hail, Miles Gloriosus!
- You are?
739
00:51:17,796 --> 00:51:20,506
Marcus Lycus. I am dazzled
by your presence.
740
00:51:20,507 --> 00:51:23,176
Everyone is. Where is my bride?
741
00:51:23,177 --> 00:51:26,846
It is a sad tale I have to tell the
captain. Bad news... Argh!
742
00:51:26,847 --> 00:51:30,475
Did not my aide inform you
that should anything be amiss,
743
00:51:30,476 --> 00:51:34,061
your house would be burnt, your
women seized and your life forfeit?
744
00:51:34,062 --> 00:51:36,272
He didn't. Did he?
745
00:51:36,273 --> 00:51:39,809
- He did.
- He did! And I meant it.
746
00:51:40,819 --> 00:51:44,614
There's been some mistake.
Here! Here is the man you want.
747
00:51:44,615 --> 00:51:46,324
Tell him who I am.
748
00:51:46,325 --> 00:51:49,410
- Everybody knows who you are, Lycus.
- No.
749
00:51:49,411 --> 00:51:54,248
- Tell him who I am. Tell him!
- Rely on me. He is Marcus Lycus.
750
00:51:54,249 --> 00:51:56,250
Not so! He is Lycus.
751
00:51:56,251 --> 00:51:59,670
Sire, if you look within you
will find none but hooded men.
752
00:51:59,671 --> 00:52:05,051
We are a holy order, an ancient
brotherhood of lepers. Unclean, unclean.
753
00:52:05,052 --> 00:52:07,261
"Unclean, unclean."
754
00:52:07,262 --> 00:52:10,723
- Well, Lycus, what of this bad news?
- There is no bad news.
755
00:52:10,724 --> 00:52:15,436
I only say that so as not to make
the gods jealous. She is ugly. Ugly!
756
00:52:15,437 --> 00:52:17,730
Ugly! Ugly!
757
00:52:17,731 --> 00:52:19,816
Really, she's beautiful.
758
00:52:19,817 --> 00:52:23,820
- I did not want them envying you.
- What is she like?
759
00:52:23,821 --> 00:52:26,322
A face so fair, a heart so pure.
760
00:52:26,323 --> 00:52:31,035
Sir, if you had been born a
woman, you would have been she.
761
00:52:31,036 --> 00:52:33,746
As magnificent as that?
762
00:52:33,747 --> 00:52:36,040
She will be ready soon. Some food?
763
00:52:36,041 --> 00:52:38,960
That is unnecessary.
I will await her in your house.
764
00:52:38,961 --> 00:52:40,878
- No!
- No?
765
00:52:40,879 --> 00:52:43,214
I meant yes. It just came out no.
766
00:52:43,215 --> 00:52:46,300
- And who are you?
- My chief eunuch, sir.
767
00:52:46,301 --> 00:52:48,803
Just kick him if he offends you.
768
00:52:48,804 --> 00:52:53,182
Surround the house. While I am
within, let no one else enter.
769
00:52:53,183 --> 00:52:56,894
What was that all about?
Why didn't you give him the girl?
770
00:52:56,895 --> 00:52:59,021
It's time we two
trusted each other.
771
00:52:59,022 --> 00:53:01,941
One of us isn't ready.
Why didn't you give him the girl?
772
00:53:01,942 --> 00:53:07,864
She refuses to go with him. But Master
Hero's out getting her a potion.
773
00:53:07,865 --> 00:53:10,158
So keep the master
in his bath until...
774
00:53:10,159 --> 00:53:14,745
Arrange food, drink, entertainment
and a sit-down orgy for 14.
775
00:53:14,746 --> 00:53:18,166
These sands will run out
in exactly one half-hour.
776
00:53:18,167 --> 00:53:22,962
If my bride is not delivered by then, this
house will be an empty patch of ground.
777
00:53:22,963 --> 00:53:24,755
That rotten Lycus!
778
00:53:24,756 --> 00:53:26,966
That lovely Pseudolus.
779
00:53:26,967 --> 00:53:28,426
Mm!
780
00:53:28,427 --> 00:53:34,390
What a glorious day. Won't you join me in
a beaker? Everyone, a beaker with me. I...
781
00:53:34,391 --> 00:53:37,143
- Crassus!
- Marcus?
782
00:53:37,144 --> 00:53:39,937
I heard you were abroad
in search of pulchritude.
783
00:53:39,938 --> 00:53:43,232
I returned this morn. With as
choice a cargo as you've seen.
784
00:53:43,233 --> 00:53:45,526
- Good man.
- From Crete.
785
00:53:45,527 --> 00:53:50,114
Crete? Do not touch me. Do not breathe
on me. The plague. The plague!
786
00:53:50,115 --> 00:53:52,158
There's no plague on Crete.
787
00:53:52,159 --> 00:53:55,661
No plague? No one lying around,
smiling themselves to death?
788
00:53:55,662 --> 00:53:59,290
- It's the healthiest isle in the world.
- He lied to me, tricked me.
789
00:53:59,291 --> 00:54:00,708
You, tricked?
790
00:54:00,709 --> 00:54:05,171
Yes. But not for long. I go to the captain
and see that that swine is killed!
791
00:54:05,172 --> 00:54:09,383
- Which swine?
- The lyingest, cheatingest slave in Rome.
792
00:54:09,384 --> 00:54:11,052
Oh, Pseudolus.
793
00:54:11,053 --> 00:54:13,380
Hmm.
794
00:54:36,912 --> 00:54:39,452
Chapter six.
795
00:54:40,249 --> 00:54:44,581
The Sabine campaign, in
which a boy becomes a man.
796
00:54:45,337 --> 00:54:48,965
Laden with the spoils of conquest,
I then set forth for Egypt,
797
00:54:48,966 --> 00:54:52,510
little knowing that here waited for
me that black-fringed temptress
798
00:54:52,511 --> 00:54:55,555
who was to play so
great a part in my...
799
00:54:55,556 --> 00:54:56,722
Foot!
800
00:54:56,723 --> 00:54:59,761
Oh, get off, get off, get off!
801
00:55:00,519 --> 00:55:04,851
As you know, at this time all Gaul
was divided into eight parts.
802
00:55:09,862 --> 00:55:13,823
Agh! Back, leper. Bring not your
contagion into the house of Lycus.
803
00:55:13,824 --> 00:55:18,536
House of...? Pseudolus, tell them
who I am. I am no leper. I am Lycus!
804
00:55:18,537 --> 00:55:23,291
Ah, the poor creature. Just jab him
back into his den of ill health.
805
00:55:23,292 --> 00:55:25,126
What?
806
00:55:25,127 --> 00:55:29,422
Oh, Pseudolus, I'll have my revenge.
I'll get in to see the captain yet.
807
00:55:29,423 --> 00:55:33,092
This I swear by the great
Necrophites, god of procurers...
808
00:55:33,093 --> 00:55:34,218
panderers...
809
00:55:34,219 --> 00:55:36,759
and go-betweens.
810
00:55:37,389 --> 00:55:41,017
A new god, but a very hard worker.
811
00:55:41,018 --> 00:55:46,189
"I rely on you, Miles" said Caesar
firmly. "Hold that Tiber."
812
00:55:46,190 --> 00:55:50,818
Yes, that's good. "Hold that...
hold that Tiber."
813
00:55:50,944 --> 00:55:56,023
If you see a lad with mare sweat,
send him up to the green bedroom.
814
00:56:05,083 --> 00:56:07,335
Not down there!
815
00:56:07,336 --> 00:56:10,421
When I heard the revellers,
I thought my captain had come.
816
00:56:10,422 --> 00:56:14,342
He has, but he's not ready yet.
Just wait in there. Wait. Wait, wait!
817
00:56:14,343 --> 00:56:18,757
That's what virgins are
supposed to do best.
818
00:56:23,018 --> 00:56:27,105
- My man has come for me.
- Good. Where is he?
819
00:56:27,106 --> 00:56:30,566
Wait, my little one.
I must wash my hands.
820
00:56:30,567 --> 00:56:34,320
I shall be back in a nonce.
At most, two nonces.
821
00:56:34,321 --> 00:56:38,949
I shall knock on the
door three times.
822
00:56:45,874 --> 00:56:47,750
- Where'd she go?
- In there.
823
00:56:47,751 --> 00:56:51,335
Knock three times and she's yours.
824
00:56:51,964 --> 00:56:54,841
One, two, three.
825
00:56:54,842 --> 00:56:56,587
Four.
826
00:56:57,219 --> 00:56:59,971
The hourglass!
827
00:56:59,972 --> 00:57:04,100
Sir... May I suggest,
sir, just one more scrub?
828
00:57:04,101 --> 00:57:10,805
No, that's enough. One more scrub
and you'll wash away my enthusiasm.
829
00:57:14,695 --> 00:57:17,989
All right, now. I want everybody...
Listen, will you?!
830
00:57:17,990 --> 00:57:21,906
When I say push, push hard.
Push terribly hard. Push!
831
00:57:35,799 --> 00:57:39,260
No entry? I live, eat and sleep
here every day of my life.
832
00:57:39,261 --> 00:57:42,805
Congratulations. But today
it's officers only.
833
00:57:42,806 --> 00:57:47,090
Master, the passion potion.
You must drink it while it's hot.
834
00:57:59,448 --> 00:58:06,033
If you are the new gardeners, don't
lean on those things, get to work.
835
00:58:09,249 --> 00:58:12,999
Where is it? Where is
my passion potion?
836
00:58:14,588 --> 00:58:19,714
Where is everyone? Senex?
Pseudolus? Hysterium?
837
00:58:20,010 --> 00:58:21,344
Madam!
838
00:58:21,345 --> 00:58:25,431
Where is my husband? On good intuition,
I believe he is fouling the nest.
839
00:58:25,432 --> 00:58:29,727
And he has brought in the legions
to help. Who are all these people?
840
00:58:29,728 --> 00:58:34,816
Madam, the hospitality of your house
is being enjoyed by Miles Gloriosus.
841
00:58:34,817 --> 00:58:37,485
- The Gloriosus?
- The The himself.
842
00:58:37,486 --> 00:58:40,196
He requested a rest in
your charming residence.
843
00:58:40,197 --> 00:58:43,116
As a general's daughter,
I hoped you would not object.
844
00:58:43,117 --> 00:58:46,160
Object? Pseudolus,
you have acted well.
845
00:58:46,161 --> 00:58:48,496
I must greet this captain at once.
846
00:58:48,497 --> 00:58:53,084
Captain Gloriosus, I am shattered that
I was not here to greet you personally.
847
00:58:53,085 --> 00:58:56,712
- You are of this house?
- For many, many years.
848
00:58:56,713 --> 00:59:00,091
My father, you know,
Captain, was General Magnus.
849
00:59:00,092 --> 00:59:03,719
On the last anniversary of his death,
I entertained over 200 officers.
850
00:59:03,720 --> 00:59:06,222
200? By yourself?
851
00:59:06,223 --> 00:59:10,726
Not entirely. Hysterium
here was a great help.
852
00:59:10,727 --> 00:59:16,065
Oh, Hysterium, thoughtful as ever.
My mouth is dry after that dusty drive.
853
00:59:16,066 --> 00:59:18,606
Mad... Oh...
854
00:59:25,909 --> 00:59:31,914
After I've bathed and changed this dusty
robe, I want you to ask the captain to...
855
00:59:31,915 --> 00:59:34,125
Where did you say my husband was?
856
00:59:34,126 --> 00:59:36,919
I, uh... Your hus...
He is... he is...
857
00:59:36,920 --> 00:59:39,797
Well, at the moment he is, uh...
858
00:59:39,798 --> 00:59:44,427
He is, uh... he is... At least,
when I last saw him he was.
859
00:59:44,428 --> 00:59:47,013
I want to know if my
husband is in the house.
860
00:59:47,014 --> 00:59:52,059
No, but he should be here soon. Madam,
might I suggest you take your bath now?
861
00:59:52,060 --> 00:59:54,562
I shall send slaves
with a fresh robe.
862
00:59:54,563 --> 00:59:57,857
When he arrives, keep
him busy downstairs.
863
00:59:57,858 --> 01:00:04,562
And tell the captain I shall be awaiting
him in the green room, after my bath.
864
01:00:06,658 --> 01:00:09,243
- What do we do?
- I'll deal with the master.
865
01:00:09,244 --> 01:00:14,373
You keep that hourglass from running out,
and I'll be grateful to you as long as I live.
866
01:00:14,374 --> 01:00:16,369
If I live that long.
867
01:00:23,383 --> 01:00:24,967
Master!
868
01:00:24,968 --> 01:00:27,512
- All right, where is she?
- Who?
869
01:00:27,513 --> 01:00:31,182
- The new maid.
- Oh, the maid? The very new maid?
870
01:00:31,183 --> 01:00:34,018
Knock three times and she's yours.
871
01:00:34,019 --> 01:00:38,433
- Ah! What about my passion potion?
- Start without.
872
01:00:43,320 --> 01:00:45,863
- House of Lycus?
- Yes. What about it?
873
01:00:45,864 --> 01:00:49,283
Acrobats for the orgy.
874
01:00:49,284 --> 01:00:52,322
- That way.
- Thanks.
875
01:01:12,057 --> 01:01:15,095
Back to the peeling.
876
01:01:17,563 --> 01:01:20,554
Sorry, wrong maid.
877
01:01:21,275 --> 01:01:26,401
Quickly, quickly. We must
find another room for you.
878
01:01:43,172 --> 01:01:45,506
- My filly!
- My stallion!
879
01:01:45,507 --> 01:01:46,841
- My wife.
- My husband.
880
01:01:46,842 --> 01:01:48,622
My gods!
881
01:02:00,314 --> 01:02:04,763
You're late. The others are
waiting for you in there.
882
01:02:08,363 --> 01:02:12,116
- Entertainers that way.
- I must see the captain. Very important.
883
01:02:12,117 --> 01:02:14,494
- Entertainers that way!
- Captain...
884
01:02:14,495 --> 01:02:18,623
Listen. Do you know what
happened to the last underling
885
01:02:18,624 --> 01:02:22,001
who interrupted the
captain in mid-debauch?
886
01:02:22,002 --> 01:02:25,373
- Entertainers this way.
- Yes.
887
01:02:26,298 --> 01:02:28,883
- Where is Hero?
- Calm.
888
01:02:28,884 --> 01:02:31,385
- How is the mistress?
- Calm.
889
01:02:31,386 --> 01:02:34,597
What happened to the master?
Why is the virgin...?
890
01:02:34,598 --> 01:02:38,309
Calm yourself! Calm! I'll tell
you when it's time to panic!
891
01:02:38,310 --> 01:02:41,301
- I smell mischief.
- It's time.
892
01:02:41,605 --> 01:02:44,565
Someone has tampered with this.
893
01:02:44,566 --> 01:02:47,485
- Bring me my bride.
- She'll be ready soon.
894
01:02:47,486 --> 01:02:51,739
They are just anointing her with unguents
to make her ankle bangle dangle.
895
01:02:51,740 --> 01:02:55,284
Meanwhile, for your
further entertainment...
896
01:02:55,285 --> 01:02:58,287
Bring on the acrobats!
897
01:02:58,288 --> 01:03:01,458
"Ankle bangle dangle"
898
01:03:01,875 --> 01:03:06,503
Watch there, the Four
Tumbling Tuscans.
899
01:03:14,263 --> 01:03:17,467
Psst! Lycus!
900
01:03:28,819 --> 01:03:33,489
That one is very good. He really makes
it look as though he landed on his head.
901
01:03:33,490 --> 01:03:37,535
Would you like to see that man again?
That man again for the captain.
902
01:03:37,536 --> 01:03:39,328
Captain, I have news. The...
903
01:03:39,329 --> 01:03:40,955
Waaaah!
904
01:03:40,956 --> 01:03:45,334
Captain, please. I... Captain,
the virgin is... Captain, a word.
905
01:03:45,335 --> 01:03:48,504
Louder music. The captain
wants louder music.
906
01:03:48,505 --> 01:03:50,673
I'm not happy in my work, Captain.
907
01:03:50,674 --> 01:03:54,343
Have you ever seen a jester like this?
The remarks he makes!
908
01:03:54,344 --> 01:03:57,680
- He's the best I've ever seen.
- But his exit.
909
01:03:57,681 --> 01:04:00,719
- Do the flying exit.
- What?!
910
01:04:02,686 --> 01:04:04,645
Waaaah!
911
01:04:06,648 --> 01:04:10,318
- Didn't I tell you you'd enjoy this?
- I did, yes.
912
01:04:10,319 --> 01:04:13,988
You are a good fellow. It's really
going to pain me to kill you.
913
01:04:13,989 --> 01:04:15,823
- Kill me?
- Indeed, Lycus.
914
01:04:15,824 --> 01:04:19,660
- If she is not at my feet in two minutes.
- Could you make it five?
915
01:04:19,661 --> 01:04:22,830
- Two.
- Two. Two minutes.
916
01:04:22,831 --> 01:04:25,583
Philia! Phil... Philia!
917
01:04:25,584 --> 01:04:29,712
- You go to the captain now, like it or not.
- But I've been ready.
918
01:04:29,713 --> 01:04:32,423
But Pseudolus said
you refused to. Come.
919
01:04:32,424 --> 01:04:35,468
Bring me that girl
or you'll all perish!
920
01:04:35,469 --> 01:04:37,512
That's not a happy captain.
921
01:04:37,513 --> 01:04:41,766
- That voice. I know that voice.
- Of course you do. That's your captain.
922
01:04:41,767 --> 01:04:45,436
That's not my captain. That's the brute
who raped my country, Thrace.
923
01:04:45,437 --> 01:04:47,021
He raped Thrace?
924
01:04:47,022 --> 01:04:51,234
- Then he came and did it again and again.
- He raped Thrace thrice?
925
01:04:51,235 --> 01:04:53,486
I'm not going with him.
926
01:04:53,487 --> 01:04:56,739
- Will you now go with Hero?
- Oh, yes, yes.
927
01:04:56,740 --> 01:05:00,326
Go back to Hero's
room and wait there.
928
01:05:00,327 --> 01:05:03,329
- He'll burn our house.
- Fear not. I have a plan.
929
01:05:03,330 --> 01:05:04,831
I don't want to hear it.
930
01:05:04,832 --> 01:05:09,001
- We tell the captain the virgin has died.
- I think I heard that.
931
01:05:09,002 --> 01:05:13,131
- We'll need a body. Anybody's body.
- Get one from Gusto the body snatcher.
932
01:05:13,132 --> 01:05:16,759
He owes me a favour.
But he died yesterday.
933
01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:19,595
- What about his body?
- Somebody snatched it.
934
01:05:19,596 --> 01:05:24,308
- Who do we know that's dead?
- I wish I was.
935
01:05:32,943 --> 01:05:37,655
I'm a disgrace to my family.
My father will turn in his grave.
936
01:05:37,656 --> 01:05:39,532
Your father is alive.
937
01:05:39,533 --> 01:05:41,701
This will kill him.
938
01:05:41,702 --> 01:05:46,330
Just lie down. It'll be
all over in one moment.
939
01:05:50,377 --> 01:05:53,129
- You're delicious.
- What if he tries to kiss me?
940
01:05:53,130 --> 01:05:56,883
- He won't kiss you.
- How can he help it if I'm so delicious?
941
01:05:56,884 --> 01:06:01,713
Come back here.
Just lie still. Lie still.
942
01:06:01,763 --> 01:06:05,808
The captain will see you, shudder,
and go on his way heartbroken.
943
01:06:05,809 --> 01:06:09,771
It'll never work.
Look at me. Just look at me.
944
01:06:09,772 --> 01:06:13,357
I can't take my eyes off you.
945
01:06:13,358 --> 01:06:16,611
You're lovely
946
01:06:16,612 --> 01:06:20,281
Absolutely lovely
947
01:06:20,282 --> 01:06:26,037
Who'd believe the
loveliness of you?
948
01:06:26,038 --> 01:06:28,581
- No!
- Get back here and lie down.
949
01:06:28,582 --> 01:06:31,000
Perfect
950
01:06:31,001 --> 01:06:34,879
Sweet and warm and winsome
951
01:06:34,880 --> 01:06:42,929
Radiant as in some dream come true
952
01:06:42,930 --> 01:06:48,934
Now Venus will seem tame
953
01:06:49,269 --> 01:06:56,483
Helen and her thousand ships
will have to die of shame
954
01:06:56,819 --> 01:07:00,236
You're so lovely
955
01:07:00,239 --> 01:07:04,033
Frighteningly lovely
956
01:07:04,034 --> 01:07:11,916
That the world will
never seem the same
957
01:07:11,917 --> 01:07:15,002
I'm lovely
958
01:07:15,003 --> 01:07:18,422
Absolutely lovely
959
01:07:18,423 --> 01:07:23,761
Who'd believe the
loveliness of me?
960
01:07:23,762 --> 01:07:26,139
I would.
961
01:07:26,140 --> 01:07:28,307
Perfect
962
01:07:28,308 --> 01:07:31,978
Sweet and warm and winsome
963
01:07:31,979 --> 01:07:39,610
Radiant as in some dream come true
964
01:07:39,611 --> 01:07:42,447
Now...
965
01:07:42,448 --> 01:07:46,325
- Shouldn't I have some jewellery?
- Jewellery? Well, I...
966
01:07:46,326 --> 01:07:49,364
- Erronius's gaggle.
- Ah!
967
01:07:51,582 --> 01:07:55,543
I'm so lovely
968
01:07:55,544 --> 01:07:59,172
Literally lovely
969
01:07:59,173 --> 01:08:03,926
That the world
will never seem the same
970
01:08:03,927 --> 01:08:07,096
You're so lovely
971
01:08:07,097 --> 01:08:16,387
That the world will
never seem the same
972
01:08:21,445 --> 01:08:25,281
Now I go get the
pallbearers. Wait here.
973
01:08:25,282 --> 01:08:28,159
- I'll never get away with it.
- You will. It's easy.
974
01:08:28,160 --> 01:08:31,614
Just lie still and
think dead thoughts.
975
01:08:59,858 --> 01:09:04,195
The time is up! Ransack the house!
976
01:09:04,196 --> 01:09:08,029
Oh, woe. Oh, woe.
977
01:09:08,242 --> 01:09:10,076
Oh, woe.
978
01:09:10,077 --> 01:09:12,783
And "Oh, woe" again.
979
01:09:14,540 --> 01:09:18,292
Ha! For the last time,
where is my bride?
980
01:09:18,293 --> 01:09:21,087
For the very last time,
here is your bride.
981
01:09:21,088 --> 01:09:24,966
Here on this appalling pall, dead.
982
01:09:24,967 --> 01:09:28,261
Dead, permanently dead.
983
01:09:28,262 --> 01:09:29,804
Dead, dead.
984
01:09:29,805 --> 01:09:34,642
O monstrous fate!
My sweet innocent bride... dead.
985
01:09:34,643 --> 01:09:37,520
Yes. Give her air!
986
01:09:37,521 --> 01:09:40,106
- How did she die?
- She rolled over and...
987
01:09:40,107 --> 01:09:41,941
No, no. How did it happen?
988
01:09:41,942 --> 01:09:45,778
One glimpse of your grandeur from
above, the shock was too much.
989
01:09:45,779 --> 01:09:50,992
Poor child, a virgin till the end.
A lot of good it did you.
990
01:09:50,993 --> 01:09:55,705
- Spare me. I cannot control my tears.
- Go ahead. It's nature's release.
991
01:09:55,706 --> 01:10:00,543
Her bridal bower becomes a burial
bier of bitter bereavement.
992
01:10:00,544 --> 01:10:01,669
Very good.
993
01:10:01,670 --> 01:10:06,090
Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten
tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?
994
01:10:06,091 --> 01:10:09,594
Do not try to cheer me.
I am inconsolable.
995
01:10:09,595 --> 01:10:12,638
- Why torture yourself? Just go.
- Yes.
996
01:10:12,639 --> 01:10:17,685
Yes. Poor girl... to have died so young
without ever having experienced me.
997
01:10:17,686 --> 01:10:19,437
Well...
998
01:10:19,438 --> 01:10:24,192
No. I cannot leave without giving her the
comfort of a proper funeral service.
999
01:10:24,193 --> 01:10:27,653
Do you have time? Isn't there
a war you should be starting?
1000
01:10:27,654 --> 01:10:29,155
- Silence!
- Silence!
1001
01:10:29,156 --> 01:10:32,992
I insist on conducting a funeral.
Summon mourners.
1002
01:10:32,993 --> 01:10:35,453
Mourners. Mourners? Back.
1003
01:10:35,454 --> 01:10:37,163
Back, back, back.
1004
01:10:37,164 --> 01:10:40,666
- A funeral?
- A rapid requiem, a quick dirge.
1005
01:10:40,667 --> 01:10:43,461
- But any coins he puts on my eyes I keep.
- Done.
1006
01:10:43,462 --> 01:10:45,705
I certainly have been.
1007
01:10:45,798 --> 01:10:49,133
Gather firewood.
She shall be cremated.
1008
01:10:53,472 --> 01:10:57,056
Uh...
1009
01:10:57,476 --> 01:11:02,104
You're to take that immediately
up to the green bedroom.
1010
01:11:17,621 --> 01:11:19,372
- Son!
- Father!
1011
01:11:19,373 --> 01:11:21,082
My passion potion.
1012
01:11:21,083 --> 01:11:24,038
No! It...
1013
01:11:25,254 --> 01:11:27,497
It's not his potion.
1014
01:11:27,506 --> 01:11:31,050
Forgive me for ever
mistrusting you, my darling.
1015
01:11:31,051 --> 01:11:34,920
But you have been a little
distant these past 29 years.
1016
01:11:40,018 --> 01:11:43,354
I shall compose a funeral dirge.
1017
01:11:43,355 --> 01:11:45,356
Oh, do. A nice short one.
1018
01:11:45,357 --> 01:11:49,819
Gather round,
handmaidens of sorrow
1019
01:11:49,820 --> 01:11:53,114
Sound the flute
1020
01:11:53,115 --> 01:11:55,658
Blow the horn
1021
01:11:55,659 --> 01:11:59,245
Pluck the lute
1022
01:11:59,246 --> 01:12:02,319
Forward mourn
1023
01:12:13,552 --> 01:12:17,753
Ah, ah
1024
01:12:19,558 --> 01:12:22,518
All Crete was at her feet
1025
01:12:22,519 --> 01:12:25,480
All Thrace was in her thrall
1026
01:12:25,481 --> 01:12:28,524
All Sparta loved her sweetness
1027
01:12:28,525 --> 01:12:31,486
- And Gaul
- And Spain
1028
01:12:31,487 --> 01:12:34,280
- And Greece
- And Egypt
1029
01:12:34,281 --> 01:12:38,909
- And Syria
- And Mesopotamia
1030
01:12:44,208 --> 01:12:46,292
- What's that?
- It's a funeral.
1031
01:12:46,293 --> 01:12:49,331
Oh. Somebody's dead, eh?
1032
01:12:50,005 --> 01:12:52,089
The captain's maiden.
1033
01:12:52,090 --> 01:12:54,630
The captain's maiden?!
1034
01:13:01,141 --> 01:13:03,681
- She's dead.
- Yeah.
1035
01:13:04,770 --> 01:13:07,808
Then I shall kill myself.
1036
01:13:09,149 --> 01:13:13,903
It's against Roman law to take
one's own life. The penalty's death.
1037
01:13:13,904 --> 01:13:17,532
- I'll fight a gladiator, then.
- You might win.
1038
01:13:17,533 --> 01:13:19,534
Yeah.
1039
01:13:19,535 --> 01:13:23,819
I shall throw myself to the lions.
1040
01:13:33,924 --> 01:13:36,926
Speak the spells
1041
01:13:36,927 --> 01:13:39,752
Chant the chants
1042
01:13:40,305 --> 01:13:42,798
Toll the bells!
1043
01:13:43,225 --> 01:13:46,394
Fold the arms.
1044
01:13:50,274 --> 01:13:54,527
On behalf of the body, I'd like to
thank you for a lovely funeral.
1045
01:13:54,528 --> 01:13:57,655
I don't know about you,
but I've suffered enough.
1046
01:13:57,656 --> 01:14:02,320
So I suggest you depart,
and I shall take the body and...
1047
01:14:02,411 --> 01:14:05,828
- Second dirge.
- Second dirge!
1048
01:14:07,875 --> 01:14:10,710
Throw himself to the lions!
1049
01:14:10,711 --> 01:14:13,583
Then I too must die.
1050
01:14:14,715 --> 01:14:19,135
Today's the day of the human sacrifice
at the temple of the vestal virgins.
1051
01:14:19,136 --> 01:14:22,305
I shall go and offer
myself to the gods.
1052
01:14:26,518 --> 01:14:29,592
- Hey, see that?
- Yes, but look at that!
1053
01:14:33,150 --> 01:14:34,609
What's your hurry?
1054
01:14:34,610 --> 01:14:37,987
Would you lower your pike to
your captain's plaything?
1055
01:14:37,988 --> 01:14:40,948
Captain? I've had no instructions.
1056
01:14:40,949 --> 01:14:43,451
The captain sent for me especially.
1057
01:14:43,452 --> 01:14:50,541
Let me by, and... I'll redeem this in ways
that will melt every bolt in your armour.
1058
01:14:50,542 --> 01:14:53,461
- Is it real?
- Bite it and see.
1059
01:14:53,462 --> 01:14:56,417
And that goes for me, too.
1060
01:15:12,481 --> 01:15:15,358
Strew the soil
1061
01:15:15,359 --> 01:15:18,027
Strum the lyre
1062
01:15:18,028 --> 01:15:21,197
Spread the oil
1063
01:15:21,198 --> 01:15:23,783
Build the pyre
1064
01:15:23,784 --> 01:15:26,494
Pyre? What kind of pyre?
1065
01:15:26,495 --> 01:15:28,496
A pyre of fire.
1066
01:15:28,497 --> 01:15:31,036
Oh, a fire pyre.
1067
01:15:32,084 --> 01:15:34,377
- She must be burnt.
- Burnt?
1068
01:15:34,378 --> 01:15:37,713
- I want her ashes.
- Ashes? Oh!
1069
01:15:37,714 --> 01:15:39,966
Captain! Captain.
1070
01:15:39,967 --> 01:15:44,971
Captain, I implore you. It is not
for us to destroy such loveliness.
1071
01:15:44,972 --> 01:15:50,268
The gods are awaiting her. They would
be angry if we sent up a smoked virgin.
1072
01:15:50,269 --> 01:15:53,271
- I cannot afford to offend the gods.
- Who can?
1073
01:15:53,272 --> 01:15:55,273
I will go my melancholy way.
1074
01:15:55,274 --> 01:15:58,109
Very good, sir. Goodbye, sir.
1075
01:15:58,110 --> 01:16:00,528
Wait.
1076
01:16:00,529 --> 01:16:02,613
A farewell kiss.
1077
01:16:02,614 --> 01:16:04,824
Of course.
1078
01:16:04,825 --> 01:16:06,826
Not you.
1079
01:16:06,827 --> 01:16:12,331
You mustn't. It could make you very sick.
She died of an illness contracted in Crete.
1080
01:16:12,332 --> 01:16:15,168
- What illness?
- The plague.
1081
01:16:15,169 --> 01:16:17,708
- The plague!
- Plague!
1082
01:16:23,677 --> 01:16:26,502
Run for your lives!
1083
01:16:30,601 --> 01:16:33,140
- Silence!
- Silence! Shh!
1084
01:16:34,730 --> 01:16:36,397
- There is no plague.
- What?
1085
01:16:36,398 --> 01:16:39,776
I have this day returned from
Crete and there is no plague.
1086
01:16:39,777 --> 01:16:42,570
Then what was everyone
yelling about?
1087
01:16:42,571 --> 01:16:45,656
Find me the captain.
Don't stand there.
1088
01:16:45,657 --> 01:16:48,326
You, find me the captain.
1089
01:16:48,327 --> 01:16:52,288
Sir, I bring wonderful news.
The virgin does not have the plague.
1090
01:16:52,289 --> 01:16:55,541
Silence, woman. I know that.
She died of other causes.
1091
01:16:55,542 --> 01:16:58,419
Died? She was a bab... How...?
1092
01:16:58,420 --> 01:17:02,757
Poor little moth. She
fluttered too near my flame.
1093
01:17:02,758 --> 01:17:07,011
- Too filled with love, dear little heart.
- Heart.
1094
01:17:07,012 --> 01:17:11,349
Yes, that's it. I shall cut out her heart
and carry it with me for evermore.
1095
01:17:11,350 --> 01:17:13,518
- She's alive!
- And will stay that way!
1096
01:17:13,519 --> 01:17:17,146
- Treachery! Treason! Seize her!
- I'll get her.
1097
01:17:17,147 --> 01:17:21,651
Seize everyone! Put the whole
neighbourhood to the sword!
1098
01:17:21,652 --> 01:17:25,696
Sir, a question. If I found your
maiden, would you spare my...
1099
01:17:25,697 --> 01:17:27,115
A moment.
1100
01:17:27,116 --> 01:17:31,202
If the maiden is not found,
I shall destroy not only this house,
1101
01:17:31,203 --> 01:17:34,914
but all surrounding houses and
every single person in them!
1102
01:17:34,915 --> 01:17:38,501
- And now, your question.
- It was just a silly girlish idea.
1103
01:17:38,502 --> 01:17:40,545
I'll find your maiden.
1104
01:17:40,546 --> 01:17:45,174
Ah! Now then, my beauty,
redeem your promise.
1105
01:17:47,010 --> 01:17:50,096
You wildcat, you're beautiful
when you're angry.
1106
01:17:50,097 --> 01:17:53,307
- Ruined! Ruined!
- We have to find Hero and Philia.
1107
01:17:53,308 --> 01:17:55,560
Oh, look! Do you see what she said?
1108
01:17:55,561 --> 01:17:57,812
What is it? And
please don't tell me.
1109
01:17:57,813 --> 01:18:02,567
Philia's sacrificing herself and
Hero's throwing himself to the lions.
1110
01:18:02,568 --> 01:18:06,237
Come, Gymnasia. Hie you
to the temple for Philia.
1111
01:18:06,238 --> 01:18:09,866
I'll save Hero and meet you there!
1112
01:18:09,867 --> 01:18:15,371
The same thing happened 29 years ago.
I might just as well live in a temple.
1113
01:18:15,372 --> 01:18:18,124
I'll wager you never
got my nose sharpened.
1114
01:18:18,125 --> 01:18:23,785
I would like to know what it is you do that
makes you so tired. I noticed you're...
1115
01:18:32,473 --> 01:18:35,224
Here. Hey.
1116
01:18:35,225 --> 01:18:39,103
I wish to throw myself to the lions.
Where do I go?
1117
01:18:39,104 --> 01:18:41,606
- Pompeii?
- I beg your pardon?
1118
01:18:41,607 --> 01:18:44,942
No performance here today.
Gladiators are just training.
1119
01:18:44,943 --> 01:18:47,816
- Training?
- Training.
1120
01:18:49,031 --> 01:18:52,864
Come on, you miserable slave, move!
1121
01:18:53,786 --> 01:18:56,287
- Here you are, lot four.
- Straight in.
1122
01:18:56,288 --> 01:18:57,914
All right.
1123
01:18:57,915 --> 01:19:00,833
Move, you slaves. Move.
1124
01:19:00,834 --> 01:19:02,335
Move!
1125
01:19:02,336 --> 01:19:05,171
Oh, dear, come along. Keep moving.
1126
01:19:05,172 --> 01:19:08,466
Over there. Get in line. In line.
1127
01:19:08,467 --> 01:19:11,505
How are you? All right?
Had a good day?
1128
01:19:13,388 --> 01:19:15,890
Hero! Master Hero! Wait here.
1129
01:19:15,891 --> 01:19:18,518
Hey! We're closed to
members of the public.
1130
01:19:18,519 --> 01:19:21,145
That young man that went
in, I must see him.
1131
01:19:21,146 --> 01:19:26,604
You'll see him. They should be
bringing him out any minute.
1132
01:19:35,160 --> 01:19:38,827
- Now, the secret of the action...
- Hm?
1133
01:19:39,289 --> 01:19:43,501
The secret of the action is in the wrist.
You see, it's got to flow.
1134
01:19:43,502 --> 01:19:46,041
You're jerking.
1135
01:19:49,550 --> 01:19:53,219
No, no. You see, think of it
as an extension of your arm.
1136
01:19:53,220 --> 01:19:57,056
You tightened up, didn't you?
You're worrying about it too much.
1137
01:19:57,057 --> 01:20:02,717
Try and just do a couple without
thinking about it, eh? Go on.
1138
01:20:03,814 --> 01:20:05,231
Ah!
1139
01:20:05,232 --> 01:20:07,400
That even felt better, didn't it?
1140
01:20:07,401 --> 01:20:10,111
- I'm always better in trainin'.
- Yes.
1141
01:20:10,112 --> 01:20:13,865
Now, don't worry,
don't worry. Just...
1142
01:20:13,866 --> 01:20:15,616
No, no. Relax, relax.
1143
01:20:15,617 --> 01:20:19,818
You see, he sort of... went...
Very strange. Right.
1144
01:20:29,840 --> 01:20:32,297
No. Wrist jerk again.
1145
01:20:38,056 --> 01:20:43,551
Oh, much better, yes. You've
got a natural swing, you know.
1146
01:20:44,897 --> 01:20:47,935
Uh, please. Do you mind?
1147
01:20:49,943 --> 01:20:52,236
No. That's a nasty, messy one.
1148
01:20:52,237 --> 01:20:56,240
That fellow whistling put you off.
Here's the last one.
1149
01:20:56,241 --> 01:21:00,661
Never mind. Let's see if we can put
this one straight into Nero's box.
1150
01:21:00,662 --> 01:21:01,788
Psst!
1151
01:21:01,789 --> 01:21:04,577
Uh, please, please.
1152
01:21:07,795 --> 01:21:09,837
Do you mind?
1153
01:21:13,717 --> 01:21:17,637
Still jerking the wrist.
1154
01:21:17,638 --> 01:21:19,013
Hero, Hero.
1155
01:21:19,014 --> 01:21:24,472
Philia's alive. She's at the temple of
virgins. Go, go now. Save her. Go. Go.
1156
01:21:59,596 --> 01:22:01,923
Hyargh!
1157
01:22:07,146 --> 01:22:08,808
Give it!
1158
01:22:10,107 --> 01:22:12,942
Yah, yah. Yah!
1159
01:22:12,943 --> 01:22:14,225
Hyargh!
1160
01:22:42,014 --> 01:22:44,091
Come!
1161
01:22:47,936 --> 01:22:49,979
Oh! Miles!
1162
01:22:49,980 --> 01:22:52,971
There they are!
1163
01:23:16,256 --> 01:23:23,346
And now a moment of silence before
our daughter starts her final voyage.
1164
01:23:23,347 --> 01:23:26,005
Psst! Philia!
1165
01:23:26,183 --> 01:23:27,391
Huh?
1166
01:23:27,392 --> 01:23:28,684
Here, here.
1167
01:23:28,685 --> 01:23:31,854
Hero. My Hero.
1168
01:23:31,855 --> 01:23:34,565
No mortal sounds must interfere.
1169
01:23:34,566 --> 01:23:38,486
But I thought he was dead.
I must go to him. I love him.
1170
01:23:38,487 --> 01:23:40,905
- Yes. Now.
- So be it.
1171
01:23:40,906 --> 01:23:43,446
Run along, child.
1172
01:23:43,867 --> 01:23:48,116
Bring another victim to the altar.
1173
01:24:24,491 --> 01:24:27,114
Come on!
1174
01:24:29,621 --> 01:24:33,039
Master Hero, wait!
1175
01:24:51,018 --> 01:24:55,146
Master Hero, wait!
My freedom! You promised!
1176
01:24:55,147 --> 01:24:56,981
Look, there they are.
1177
01:24:56,982 --> 01:25:02,111
Master Hero, wait!
Your parents. I promised!
1178
01:25:02,112 --> 01:25:05,483
Hero, wait! The captain.
I promised!
1179
01:25:05,949 --> 01:25:09,201
Come on!
1180
01:25:37,147 --> 01:25:41,265
The most refreshing
climate in the world.
1181
01:25:48,367 --> 01:25:50,610
Look out!
1182
01:26:20,983 --> 01:26:23,522
Come back!
1183
01:26:57,519 --> 01:27:00,938
Take that! And that! And that!
1184
01:27:00,939 --> 01:27:03,847
Get away!
1185
01:27:08,113 --> 01:27:10,820
Duck!
1186
01:27:12,201 --> 01:27:13,946
Whoa!
1187
01:27:14,870 --> 01:27:16,615
Help. Help!
1188
01:27:34,640 --> 01:27:36,307
Jump. Jump!
1189
01:27:36,308 --> 01:27:38,601
Jump. Jump!
1190
01:27:38,602 --> 01:27:40,561
Jump!
1191
01:27:42,856 --> 01:27:46,859
Hold me close.
It makes me feel so strong.
1192
01:27:46,860 --> 01:27:51,524
Personally, I'm not quite
ready to make up yet. What?
1193
01:27:51,615 --> 01:27:55,698
You want her, you take her.
1194
01:28:03,502 --> 01:28:06,125
That's far enough! Look out!
1195
01:28:09,091 --> 01:28:10,925
Oh, Hero, help!
1196
01:28:10,926 --> 01:28:13,751
I'm awfully sorry. Thank you.
1197
01:28:23,439 --> 01:28:27,058
Oh, you breed of Eve!
1198
01:28:31,947 --> 01:28:34,653
Darling! Hit me again, darling.
1199
01:29:01,852 --> 01:29:04,309
No, no!
1200
01:29:24,082 --> 01:29:27,038
Wait! Stop!
1201
01:30:04,373 --> 01:30:05,498
Whoa!
1202
01:30:05,499 --> 01:30:08,157
No, no! Don't whoa!
1203
01:30:23,016 --> 01:30:28,262
Right! Now back to Rome for a quick
wedding and some slow executions.
1204
01:30:48,333 --> 01:30:53,087
You, slave! You will torn apart
by a team of wild horses, slowly,
1205
01:30:53,088 --> 01:30:56,757
to the plaudits of my troops and
the amusement of the children.
1206
01:30:56,758 --> 01:30:59,302
But you, my dear,
have nothing to fear.
1207
01:30:59,303 --> 01:31:02,847
For, though you fled from me,
I have the greatness to forgive.
1208
01:31:02,848 --> 01:31:07,013
I, too, can forgive.
No one can part us now.
1209
01:31:09,271 --> 01:31:14,896
Show me the swine who did that and
I'll break every bone in his body.
1210
01:31:18,864 --> 01:31:21,072
Third time around.
1211
01:31:26,914 --> 01:31:29,453
Pardon me, madam.
1212
01:31:30,000 --> 01:31:33,620
The gaggle! My precious.
1213
01:31:33,629 --> 01:31:35,797
My beautiful.
1214
01:31:35,798 --> 01:31:37,465
My sweet.
1215
01:31:37,466 --> 01:31:41,135
Why do older men find
me so attractive?
1216
01:31:41,136 --> 01:31:43,888
The family ring. My daughter.
1217
01:31:43,889 --> 01:31:46,891
- My virgin?
- I am not a virgin.
1218
01:31:46,892 --> 01:31:48,643
Those filthy pirates!
1219
01:31:48,644 --> 01:31:52,560
And I am not your daughter.
I'm an Etruscan dancer.
1220
01:31:54,233 --> 01:31:55,983
- You are my virgin.
- My daughter.
1221
01:31:55,984 --> 01:31:57,860
- My virgin!
- My...
1222
01:31:57,861 --> 01:32:00,238
Ye gods! The eunuch.
1223
01:32:00,239 --> 01:32:03,783
- My daughter, a eunuch?
- Soldier, seize that man!
1224
01:32:03,784 --> 01:32:05,743
Captain, I can explain.
1225
01:32:05,744 --> 01:32:08,121
- This can't be she.
- What?
1226
01:32:08,122 --> 01:32:10,873
The leper. Unclean! Unclean!
1227
01:32:10,874 --> 01:32:14,377
I am no leper, and no woman.
1228
01:32:14,378 --> 01:32:17,421
I, sire, am Marcus Lycus. Hold.
1229
01:32:17,422 --> 01:32:21,007
Here. Here is your virgin.
1230
01:32:22,177 --> 01:32:24,095
And worth the waiting for.
1231
01:32:24,096 --> 01:32:28,516
I don't understand it.
The ring, the gaggle of geese.
1232
01:32:28,517 --> 01:32:34,063
What did you say, old man? I have worn
this ring since I was a foundling child.
1233
01:32:34,064 --> 01:32:36,441
- My son!
- Father!
1234
01:32:36,442 --> 01:32:39,026
You've grown.
1235
01:32:39,027 --> 01:32:43,030
- Are these many geese a gaggle?
- How long have you had that?
1236
01:32:43,031 --> 01:32:45,992
Since... I don't know
when I've had this since.
1237
01:32:45,993 --> 01:32:48,161
- My daughter!
- My sister.
1238
01:32:48,162 --> 01:32:50,413
- My courtesan.
- My maid.
1239
01:32:50,414 --> 01:32:52,748
- My brother-in-law.
- My Gymnasia.
1240
01:32:52,749 --> 01:32:56,002
Oh, no. No! That girl I still own.
1241
01:32:56,003 --> 01:32:58,796
One moment. I take it your
daughter was freeborn?
1242
01:32:58,797 --> 01:33:00,673
- Without a doubt.
- Lycus,
1243
01:33:00,674 --> 01:33:04,594
we all know the penalty for
selling a freeborn citizen.
1244
01:33:04,595 --> 01:33:07,013
Seize him.
1245
01:33:07,014 --> 01:33:08,973
Careful. I'm a bleeder.
1246
01:33:08,974 --> 01:33:12,685
However, he has not only given me
a marvellous wedding present...
1247
01:33:12,686 --> 01:33:14,854
a wife, especially a silent one...
1248
01:33:14,855 --> 01:33:17,857
he's also promised me
10,000 minae as a dowry.
1249
01:33:17,858 --> 01:33:19,859
Ten...
1250
01:33:19,860 --> 01:33:22,069
No.
1251
01:33:22,070 --> 01:33:24,614
Such generosity should
not go unrewarded.
1252
01:33:24,615 --> 01:33:27,985
- Very well. Spare him.
- Hero!
1253
01:33:28,160 --> 01:33:30,787
Father and Mother, I wish to marry.
1254
01:33:30,788 --> 01:33:37,168
Son, if you're as happy as your mother and
I have been... my heart bleeds for you.
1255
01:33:37,169 --> 01:33:41,214
Lovers divided get coincided
1256
01:33:41,215 --> 01:33:43,049
Something for everyone
1257
01:33:43,050 --> 01:33:44,967
A comedy tonight
1258
01:33:44,968 --> 01:33:49,013
Father and mother get one another
1259
01:33:49,014 --> 01:33:50,848
Something for everyone
1260
01:33:50,849 --> 01:33:52,725
A tragedy tonight
1261
01:33:52,726 --> 01:33:54,936
I get the twins
1262
01:33:54,937 --> 01:33:56,771
They get the best
1263
01:33:56,772 --> 01:33:58,648
I get a family.
1264
01:33:58,649 --> 01:34:00,566
I get a rest.
1265
01:34:00,567 --> 01:34:02,527
We get a few girls
1266
01:34:02,528 --> 01:34:04,487
I'll get some new girls
1267
01:34:04,488 --> 01:34:08,449
I get the thing I want to be
1268
01:34:08,450 --> 01:34:10,076
Free.
1269
01:34:10,077 --> 01:34:12,078
Free
1270
01:34:12,079 --> 01:34:15,998
Free, free, free, free
1271
01:34:15,999 --> 01:34:18,000
Nothing for kings
1272
01:34:18,001 --> 01:34:19,961
Nothing for crowns
1273
01:34:19,962 --> 01:34:23,881
Something for lovers,
liars and clowns
1274
01:34:23,882 --> 01:34:27,718
What is the moral? Must be a moral
1275
01:34:27,719 --> 01:34:31,556
Here is the moral, wrong or right
1276
01:34:31,557 --> 01:34:33,474
Morals tomorrow
1277
01:34:33,475 --> 01:34:37,186
Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy,
comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy
1278
01:34:37,187 --> 01:34:45,149
Comedy tonight103766
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