Original subtitles

FAY, THIS PHONE NUMBER YOU WROTE DOWN FOR ME,

I CAN'T TELL IF THAT'S A 5 OR AN 8.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS HAD THIS PROBLEM.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TELLING ME THAT MY 5s LOOK LIKE 8s.

THEY SAY, "FAY, YOUR 5s LOOK LIKE 8s."

AND THEY DO.

W-WELL, IS THIS A 5 OR AN 8?

UM, A 7.

THANK YOU.

[seagulls cawing]

GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WE ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN PRE-BOARDING

SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 14 TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD, HYANNIS,

AND CALCUTTA.

JUST CHECKING TO SEE IF YOU WERE LISTENING.

EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE LADIES' ROOM?

OH, UH, CERTAINLY. UP THE STAIRS AND TO YOUR RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

[telephones ringing] WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!

BATTLE STATIONS, EVERYONE. WE GOT A LIVE ONE ON THE STAIRS.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

WHAT THAT UNSUSPECTING WOMAN DOESN'T KNOW IS

THAT THE SIGNS ON THE MEN'S AND LADIES' ROOMS HAVE BEEN SWITCHED.

WHY? BECAUSE IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH AT YOURSELF,

LAUGH AT SOMEBODY ELSE.

(Brian) NOW LET'S WATCH.

5, 4,

3, 2, 1.

HEY, SOMEBODY SWITCHED THE SIGNS UP HERE.

IF I HADN'T STOPPED THAT LADY,

SHE WOULD'VE GONE RIGHT IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO WITH HIM?

[sighing] I DON'T KNOW. AS A CHILD,

THEY TOOK HIM TO HAVE HIS TONSILS REMOVED,

BUT IN A TRAGIC MIX-UP GAVE HIM A HUMORECTOMY. MMM.

HEY, LOWELL, YOU WANNA SWITCH THOSE SIGNS BACK THE RIGHT WAY?

OK, BUT IT WON'T BE HALF AS FUNNY.

HEY, HACKETT, DID YOU SEE TODAY'S SPORTS PAGE?

HOW'D THE CELTICS DO YESTERDAY? THEY COVER?

YEAH. THEY COVERED THEIR FACES WHEN THEY LEFT THE FLOOR.

PLAYED LIKE A BUNCH OF JACKASSES.

SHOOT! THERE GOES 2 DAYS' TIPS.

NO CLAMS IN THE CHOWDER THIS WEEK.

NO CLAMS IN THE CHOWDER LAST WEEK.

IS IT MY FAULT THE CELTS ARE IN A SLUMP?

THERE'S AN ARTICLE ABOUT MY BOY, R.J.

HE'S GONNA BE STARTING DEFENSIVE TACKLE

FOR SIASCONSET HIGH THIS FALL.

OH, REALLY? I PLAYED SOME BALL IN HIGH SCHOOL, TOO.

PLAYED SEMI-PRO MYSELF.

HAD GUYS LIKE YOU FOR LUNCH.

MUST'VE HAD QUITE A FEW OF 'EM.

ANYWAY, R.J. PLAYED HIS FIRST SPRING SCRIMMAGE YESTERDAY.

MADE 7 UNASSISTED TACKLES AND KNOCKED OUT THE STARTIN' HALFBACK.

THAT KID DIDN'T COME TO FOR 5 MINUTES.

[chuckling]

THERE'S A KODAK MOMENT.

17 YEARS OLD, GOT A 19-INCH NECK.

UH, DOES IT ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE A NECK,

OR DOES HIS HEAD GROW DIRECTLY INTO HIS SHOULDERS?

I HAD THAT KID PUMPIN' IRON BY THE TIME HE WAS 8 YEARS OLD.

HIS MOTHER USED TO HATE IT. BUT WHAT THE HELL, SHE'S DEAD NOW.

SEE,

THE THING IS THESE KIDS ARE NOT NATURALLY AGGRESSIVE.

YOU'VE GOTTA TEACH IT TO 'EM. WELL, I TAUGHT R.J.

I TAUGHT HIM, ANYBODY TRIES TO GET PAST YOU,

ANYBODY TRIES TO MOVE IN ON YOUR TERRITORY,

MOVE IN ON YOUR BUSINESS,

A BUSINESS YOU STARTED FROM NOTHIN',

POURED YOUR HEART AND SOUL INTO FOR 10 YEARS,

THEN YOU GOT EVERY RIGHT TO CRUSH HIM

LIKE A SQUIRREL IN A COMPACTOR.

MORE COFFEE, ROY?

NO, THANKS.

THAT 2ND CUP MAKES ME A LITTLE EDGY.

IS IT JUST ME OR DID THE VEINS IN ROY'S NECK

JUST FORM A GOAT'S HEAD?

WELL, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

KNOWN WHAT?

I GOT THIS REALLY WEIRD PHONE CALL LAST NIGHT.

OH, BRIAN!

WASN'T ME!

HE'S RIGHT. THERE WERE NO WET SUCKING SOUNDS.

YEAH. THAT'S JUST AN ICEBREAKER

AND, IF YOU'D QUIT HANGIN' UP, YOU'D REALIZE THAT.

IT WAS ROY'S KID R.J.

HE WANTS TO START TAKING CELLO LESSONS FROM ME.

HO, ROY'S GONNA HATE THAT.

THAT'S WHY I TOLD HIM HE BETTER CLEAR IT WITH HIS DAD FIRST.

OH, BRIAN.

WHAT?

DO YOU THINK HE ASKED HIM?

WELL, YOU GUYS WERE SITTING HERE.

HE DIDN'T MENTION A THING ABOUT CELLO LESSONS.

MY GUESS IS THE KID CHICKENED OUT.

IT'S A SHAME. IT'S REALLY A SHAME.

GUESS IT WOULD HAVE MADE YOU FEEL PRETTY GOOD

TO GIVE A KID LIKE THAT A LITTLE CULTURE AND REFINEMENT.

OH, GET REAL. I GOT GAMBLING DEBTS TO PAY OFF.

HEY, HELEN,

DID R.J. CALL YOU AND TALK ABOUT

TAKIN' SOME, UH, CELLO LESSONS?

UH, YES, ROY, I WAS GONNA-- NO, NO.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

(Helen) YOU DO? YEAH, YEAH.

ROY, THAT'S GREAT.

SO WHEN'S HE START?

UH, HE CAN START TONIGHT.

UH, TELL HIM TO COME HERE AFTER WORK.

HERE? YOU GIVE THE CELLO LESSONS HERE?

YEAH, MY LANDLADY'S GIVING ME GRIEF AGAIN.

SHE SAYS THE NOISE IS MAKING HER CAT STERILE.

I WISH YOU'D PLAY FOR MY SISTER.

7:00 SHARP.

ROY, YOU SURPRISE ME. CELLO LESSONS?

I'VE GOT MY REASONS.

COME HERE, GUYS. YOU ALL GOTTA HEAR THIS. COME HERE.

HEY, LOWELL. LOWELL, GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE.

WELL, I GOTTA CHANGE THE PLUGS ON A CESSNA OUT HERE, ROY.

BUT, LOWELL, I HAVE AN ANECDOTE FOR YOU.

PLUGS, ANECDOTE. PLUGS, ANECDOTE.

AH, COLOR ME CURIOUS, ROY.

HEY, RUDY, COME HERE, COME HERE. NOW GET THIS.

WHEN R.J. TOLD ME HE WANTED TO TAKE CELLO LESSONS

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA PUKE,

BUT THEN HE GAVE ME A REASON SO SWEET

THAT IT TOUCHED THIS FATHER'S HEART.

AND THAT REASON WAS?

"DAD, I'M HORNY FOR HELEN."

[all laughing]

HELEN IS GONNA TRY AND TEACH MY KID THE CELLO

WHILE HE'S HUGGING HER LEG LIKE A LOVESICK POODLE.

[all laughing]

[shushing] HERE SHE COMES. HERE SHE COMES. WATCH THIS.

HELEN, UH, I'M CURIOUS ABOUT, UH, YOUR TEACHING METHODS.

DO YOU, UH, LECTURE THE STUDENTS OR DO YOU PREFER

THE HANDS-ON TECHNIQUE?

OH, DEFINITELY THE HANDS-ON. I LIKE THE PERSONAL CONTACT.

[both laughing]

AM I MISSING SOMETHING, GUYS? NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. LOWELL JUST MADE A SILLY FACE.

CUT IT OUT, LOWELL.

SEE, I THINK R.J.'S GONNA GET A LOT OUT OF THIS.

HE'S-- HE'S BEEN AWFUL SHY ABOUT PERFORMING.

DON'T YOU WORRY, ROY. WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH HIM,

HE'LL BE TAKIN' OUT THAT INSTRUMENT

AND ENTERTAININ' THE WHOLE FAMILY.

[all laughing]

HEY, ROY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE R.J. IS?

HE SHOULD'VE BEEN HERE 20 MINUTES AGO FOR HIS LESSON.

YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM, HELEN, HE'S ALWAYS LATE.

HE TAKES AFTER ME.

YOU AND R.J. ARE REAL CLOSE, AREN'T YOU?

EVER SINCE HIS MOTHER DIED

HE'S ALL I GOT. GOD!

I LOVE THAT KID. MMM.

AND UNLESS I MISS MY GUESS, YONDER COMETH THE YOUNG MAESTRO NOW.

(Roy) THERE HE IS. HERE'S MY BOY.

LOOKIN' MORE LIKE HIS MOTHER EVERY DAY.

[exclaiming] OH, SHE WAS A HANDSOME WOMAN.

HEY, SORRY I'M LATE. DAD, GUESS WHAT? UH-HUH?

I BENCH PRESSED 350 POUNDS TODAY.

I COULD HAVE DONE THAT, BUT IN MY DAY THEY DIDN'T HAVE BENCHES THAT HEAVY.

[both laughing]

THAT'S A GOOD ONE, DAD.

I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT ONE.

[both grunting]

MOM AND I USED TO DO THAT AFTER SHOPPING.

HEY, WHY DON'T WE GO ON OUT TO THE HANGAR AND GET STARTED.

OK, BUT, I GOTTA TELL YOU, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO PUT MY HANDS.

OH, DON'T WORRY. I HAVE THIS REALLY GOOD BOOK

THAT SHOWS YOU ALL THE DIFFERENT POSITIONS.

[snickering]

"SHOWS YOU ALL THE DIFFERENT POSITIONS."

"WHERE TO PUT MY HANDS."

I TAKE IT YOU DON'T READ MUSIC?

UH, NO.

OK, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT ALL OF MY BEGINNING STUDENTS ARE REALLY YOUNG,

SO THESE BOOKS ARE GEARED TOWARDS THEM.

PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M INSULTING YOUR INTELLIGENCE.

OK. NOW.

THE MAMA HEN IS THE WHOLE NOTE

AND ALL THE LITTLE BABY CHICKS ARE THE 8TH NOTES.

LOOK, A RABBIT.

GOOD, I'M NOT GOING TOO FAST FOR YOU.

THIS STRING IS THE "G"

AND WE WILL PLAY IT

BY BOWING...

JUST ABOVE THE BRIDGE

LIKE SO.

[inaudible]

OK, YOU'RE GONNA KEEP PLAYING THAT NOTE

AND WE'RE GONNA MASTER JUST THAT ONE.

OK. BOW.

JOE, WHAT DO YOU WANT? WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A LESSON.

UH, WELL, THE GUYS DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS,

BUT THE ONLY REASON R.J.'S TAKIN' CELLO IS HE'S GOT THE HOTS FOR YOU.

NOW, I--I JUST DIDN'T WANT THEM LAUGHING AT YOUR EXPENSE.

OH, JOE, THAT'S SO SWEET.

YEAH, WELL. I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.

OH, NOT YOU, R.J.

THE BIG LUG'S SO SMITTEN, HE'S TAKIN' LESSONS JUST TO BE NEAR ME.

YOU'RE NOT UPSET? OH, NO.

BUT THE GUYS MIGHT BE. YOU SPOILED A PRETTY GOOD GAG.

I THINK I'M GETTIN' BETTER.

LISTEN, R.J.

I KNOW THIS IS A CONFUSING TIME FOR YOU.

THE BOY BECOMING A MAN...

STOP THAT!

THE BOY BECOMING A MAN.

YOUR HORMONES ARE BLITZING YOUR BRAIN OUT,

THEREFORE YOU'RE DRAWN TO AN OLDER WOMAN

FOR HER EXPERIENCE AND FOR HER WISDOM.

WHO COULD BLAME YOU?

BUT YOU SHOULD BE TAKING THE CELLO BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT,

NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME SCHOOLBOY CRUSH ON ME.

I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU. I JUST TOLD THAT TO MY DAD SO I COULD TAKE THE LESSONS.

IT'S OK, R.J. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT.

I KNOW YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO ME.

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU, I SWEAR.

I JUST WANNA TAKE THE LESSONS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE, HONEY.

I'M NOT LYING.

AM I GETTIN' CHUNKY AGAIN?

NO, YOU LOOK NICE.

IS IT MY HAIR? OH, I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET THAT LADY CUT IT.

NO. THAT'S NOT IT. OH, SO IT IS SOMETHING.

WHAT IS IT? IS IT MY PERSONALITY?

IT'S THESE CLOTHES. OH, IT'S THE ACCENT.

ALL OF THE ABOVE?

WELL, WHAT IS IT? TELL ME!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU TELL ME!

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. I'M GAY.

OH, THANK GOD.

[exclaiming]

UH, RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN.

IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE GAY.

I AM. CAN I LEARN ANOTHER NOTE?

IN A MINUTE.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS GAY THING?

I MEAN, YOU'RE A YOUNG GUY.

HAVE YOU ACTUALLY DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT YET?

WELL, NOT REALLY. I MEAN,

I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYBODY TO BE GAY WITH.

I THINK YOU NEED SOMEONE.

IT HELPS.

WELL, THEN, HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE?

WELL, I'VE HAD THESE FEELINGS FOR A LONG TIME

AND I'VE GONE TO THE LIBRARY AND READ A LOT.

AND DONAHUE DID A WHOLE WEEK ON IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I'VE TOLD,

BUT, NOW THAT I'VE TOLD YOU,

I FEEL GOOD.

MATTER OF FACT, I FEEL REAL GOOD.

I--I FEEL FREE.

I FEEL LIKE TELLING EVERYONE.

JUST CAME IN TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.

FAY, I'M GAY.

OH! OF COURSE YOU ARE, DEAR.

YOU'RE YOUNG AND HEALTHY.

YOUR WHOLE LIFE'S AHEAD OF YOU.

WHO WOULDN'T BE GAY?

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

THAT WAS REALLY EASY. YOU KNOW DONAHUE SAID IT COULD BE LIKE THIS.

HEY, R.J., LESSON'S OVER?

HEY, JOE, GUESS WHAT. I'M GAY.

UH, WHY NOT?

HELEN, 5 MINUTES AGO THIS KID HAD A CRUSH ON YOU,

NOW HE'S GAY.

WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO TO HIM?

EXCUSE US, EXCUSE US.

JUST GETTIN' A SODA. WE DON'T WANNA INTERRUPT

GOD KNOWS WHAT.

YOU GUYS AREN'T INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.

I WAS JUST TELLIN' JOE I'M GAY.

[exclaiming] CHECK PLEASE. LOOK, JOE,

I KNOW YOU'RE DESPERATE TO PROVE WHAT A WACKY GUY YOU ARE,

BUT PUTTIN' A KID UP TO THIS?

JOE DIDN'T PUT HIM UP TO IT, IT'S TRUE.

R.J. JUST TOLD ROY THAT HE WAS INTERESTED IN ME

SO HE COULD TAKE THESE LESSONS. OH.

SO YOU SAY YOU'RE GAY, HUH?

HMM. GAY, REALLY?

NO.

YES.

NO.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PROVE IT TO YOU?

NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

R.J., HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR FATHER ABOUT THIS?

NO, NOT YET, BUT-- WAIT RIGHT HERE.

HE HASN'T TOLD ROY YET THAT HE'S GAY. PLEASE, YOU GUYS,

YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME TELL HIM THAT HE'S GAY. PLEASE, OH, PLEASE,

OH, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE. BRIAN.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT WOULD DO TO ROY?

YEAH. PLEASE, OH, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE OH, PLEASE--

FORGET IT, BRIAN. A LOT OF PEOPLE COULD HANDLE THIS INFORMATION,

BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ROY BIGGINS HERE.

SO, WE'VE ALL AGREED. HE CAN'T KNOW, OK?

[all mumbling]

(R.J.) OK, GUYS, I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I'M GONNA GO TELL DAD.

(Helen) WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, R.J.

LOOK, I KNOW THAT SHARING THIS NEWS MAKES YOU FEEL REAL GOOD.

AND WE'RE ALL GLAD FOR YOU. AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT YOU HAVE OUR SUPPORT IN TELLING ANYONE YOU WANT,

BUT I DON'T THINK YOUR DAD SHOULD BE ONE OF THEM.

BUT DAD'S MY BEST FRIEND. HE SAID I COULD TALK TO HIM ABOUT ANYTHING.

DID HE SPECIFICALLY MENTION THIS?

WELL, NO.

M-MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT.

I MEAN, I WENT THIS LONG WITHOUT TELLING HIM.

I GUESS, I CAN GO A LITTLE LONGER.

YEAH, OF COURSE YOU CAN.

BUT REMEMBER,

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT TELLING YOUR DAD,

PLEASE CALL ME. I'M AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY.

I'M EVEN THINKING OF GETTING A BEEPER.

[telephones ringing]

(Fay) JOE?

UH, JOE, I WAS WONDERING,

WOULD IT BE A PROBLEM IF I LEFT A LITTLE EARLY, TODAY?

I HAVE MY MODERN DANCE CLASS AT THE SENIORS' CENTER.

OH, YEAH, SURE, FAY. GO AHEAD. HAVE FUN.

I--I WOULDN'T ASK, BUT IF I'M LATE I GET STUCK WITH MR. HOFFMAN

AS MY PARTNER.

HE HAS TROUBLE LIFTING ME OVER HIS HEAD.

FAY, DOES YOUR DANCE GROUP EVER GIVE RECITALS?

YES, THEY DO. NEXT TIME INVITE ME.

WILL DO.

HELEN, WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO GIVE R.J. HIS LESSON.

I'M BEGGING YOU, YOU GOT TO LET ME TELL ROY ABOUT HIS KID.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

OH, BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I GOT ALL THIS INFORMATION BUILDING UP INSIDE OF ME.

I'M GONNA HURT SOMETHING INTERNALLY.

WELL, IF YOU TELL HIM, I'LL HURT SOMETHING EXTERNALLY.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, WELL, HE'S GONNA FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

OK, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

WORD'S OUT ALL AROUND TOWN.

OH, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.

HELEN, R.J.'S ORGANIZING A NANTUCKET GAY PRIDE PARADE.

IF I DON'T TELL ROY, HE'S GONNA LEARN IT FROM A FLOAT.

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.

WELL, IF I CAN'T TELL ROY, CAN I AT LEAST TAKE HIM TO THE PARADE?

R.J., WE HAVE TO TALK.

LOOK, I KNOW WE TOLD YOU THAT IT WOULD BE BAD FOR YOU TO TELL YOUR FATHER.

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE WORSE?

HIM FINDING OUT FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

AND THAT IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN A BUSY LITTLE FELLOW, HAVEN'T YOU?

I'M GAY AND I'M PROUD.

SAVE IT FOR THE PARADE.

OH? YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT? I'M THE GRAND MARSHAL.

CONGRATULATIONS.

LISTEN, ROY, YOU BETTER GET IN HERE.

YOUR SON HAS SOMETHING PRETTY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU AND IT CAN'T WAIT.

OK.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A DEEP BREATH? THAT USUALLY HELPS ME RELAX.

YOU CAN LET IT OUT NOW.

[exhaling]

LISTEN ROY, JUST REMEMBER,

NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO HEAR, YOUR SON LOVES YOU.

R.J., I--I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU, I'M A LITTLE SCARED.

THE WAY SHE'S TALKIN', SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT SOME BAD NEWS.

DON'T WORRY, SON, YOUR OLD MAN CAN TAKE IT.

JUST GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT. DON'T HOLD BACK.

[groaning] DAD, I'M GAY.

DAD?

DAD!

DAD?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID I'M-- [groaning] STOP RIGHT THERE.

YOU--YOU GO ON HOME.

I'M GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE. THIS WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.

DAD, IT'S TRUE.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF ARTSY-FARTSY IDEAS

HELEN'S PUTTIN' IN YOUR HEAD, BUT YOU ARE NOT...

[gasping] GAY.

LET ME EXPLAIN--

I DON'T WANT ANY EXPLANATIONS. YOU ARE NOT...

[gasping] GAY.

AM, TOO. ARE NOT.

AM, TOO, DAMN IT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WE ARE GONNA SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN.

HOW?

GIMME A MINUTE. I'LL THINK OF SOMETHIN'.

YOU AND ME, ONE-ON-ONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IF YOU WIN, YOU CAN BE GAY, IF NOT, YOU CAN'T.

DAD, THIS IS REALLY WEIRD.

DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT WEIRD.

LET'S DO IT.

[both grunting]

I LET YOU DO THAT.

GIVE IT UP, DAD, I'M YOUNGER THAN YOU, I'M QUICKER THAN YOU--

IN YOUR FACE.

[both panting]

HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?

NOTHING. IT'S-- IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

DAD, IT'S-- IT'S OK. THEY KNOW.

FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE,

R.J., THAT'S JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

YOU TOLD HIM?

[groaning] THAT JUST TEARS IT.

WHAT HAPPENED? HE FAINTED.

[groaning] HE FAINTED. AH, JOE...

BRIAN, BRIAN, IT'S-- IT'S OK. YOU'LL GET OVER IT.

ISN'T THIS SORT OF A STRANGE TIME TO BE PLAYING BASKETBALL?

IT'S A CONTEST.

IF I WIN, I'M GAY, IF DAD WINS, I'M NOT.

WELL, HAVE FUN.

THAT SORT OF PUTS A WHOLE NEW SLANT ON THE N.B.A., DOESN'T IT?

THAT'S IT, I WIN. I'M GAY!

2 OUT OF 3. HUH?

COME ON, 2 OUT OF 3. NO WAY.

NO WAY, DAD. YOU SAID IF I WON, I COULD BE GAY.

AND I WON FAIR AND SQUARE, SO I'M GAY!

YEAH, WELL, I'M YOUR FATHER. 2 OUT OF 3. COME ON!

[Roy groaning]

26 OUT OF 51.

NO. IT'S OVER.

BUT I'M JUST GETTIN' WARMED UP.

DAD,

[panting]

WE COULD PLAY ALL NIGHT

AND EVEN IF BY SOME MIRACLE YOU WERE TO BEAT ME...

[grunting] YEAH?

[both panting]

...IT WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND?

YEP.

EVER?

EVER.

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, R.J.

I GOT PLANS FOR YOU.

COLLEGE BALL, THE PROS.

THOSE ARE MY PLANS, TOO, DAD.

BUT YOU'RE MY SON.

YOU'RE MY ONLY CHILD.

AND I ALWAYS WILL BE.

ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NO CHANCE YOU'LL...

YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU SAY? SAY, ONE IN A MILLION?

NO.

OK, OK, OK.

ONE IN A BILLION?

THAT'S NEXT TO NOTHIN'. IT'S PRACTICALLY NONEXISTENT, COME ON.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, ONE IN A BILLION?

JUST SO I CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT, HUH?

HUH?

[sighing]

WELL, OK, MAYBE ONE IN A BILLION.

I KNEW IT. YOU'RE NOT SURE. COME ON.

LET'S START OVER. BEST 2 OUT OF 3.

[taunting]

LOOKS LIKE ROY'S GONNA FIGHT THIS ONE TILL HE DROPS, HUH?

YEAH, WELL, IT'S A TOUGH THING

FOR BOTH OF 'EM. YEAH.

[laughing]

I WONDER HOW YOU'D FEEL IF I TOLD YOU I WAS GAY, HUH?

YOU'RE KIDDIN'. YOU ARE, AREN'T YOU?

COME ON.

BE SERIOUS. EVERYONE KNOWS.

WHAT?

COME ON, BRIAN, LOOK AT THE WAY YOU WALK.

YEAH, VERY FUNNY. VERY FUNNY.

WELL, I'D STAY AWAY FROM THE WHARF IF I WERE YOU.

SOME OF THOSE GUYS HAVE BEEN OUT TO SEA A PRETTY LONG TIME.

HEY, LISTEN, JOE,

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO PROVE THAT YOU'VE GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR,

I'M NOT BITIN'.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WAY I WALK?

NOTHIN' REALLY. IT'S HARDLY NOTICEABLE.

YOU WERE RIGHT, GUYS. BRIAN DOES WALK FUNNY.

WHAT?

[in a deeper voice] I MEAN, WHAT?