Original subtitles

LOOK, I GOT TO GET TO HYANNIS

AND I'M A LITTLE SHORT ON CASH. SO HOW ABOUT WE MAKE A TRADE?

FRESH-CAUGHT FISH FOR A TICKET.

I'LL, UH, GIVE YOU 4 HADDOCK.

4 HADDOCK? THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

WHAT KIND OF A BACKWOODS OPERATION

DO YOU THINK WE'RE RUNNING HERE?

JOE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

THIS GUY WANTS TO GIVE US 4 HADDOCK FOR A ONE-WAY TO HYANNIS.

NO WAY.

6, AND NOT A HADDOCK LESS.

IT'S A DEAL.

THROW IN A BUCKET OF CLAMS,

AND I'LL UPGRADE YOU TO FIRST CLASS.

[seagulls cawing]

[phone ringing]

[plane engine roaring]

[exclaims]

OH, ROY. THANK GOD IT'S YOU.

I THOUGHT ONE OF THOSE BIG, SWEATY BEETLES HAD LANDED ON MY LENS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LOWELL?

VIDEOTAPING THE AIRPORT SO YOU CAN SEE WHERE YOU USED TO WORK?

NO. AMERICA'S WACKIEST VIDEOS

IS OFFERING A $100,000 PRIZE.

AND I JUST WANNA BE READY IN CASE ANYTHING WACKY HAPPENS.

SAY, ROY, HOW ABOUT YOU LOOSEN YOUR BELT,

LET YOUR PANTS FALL DOWN AROUND YOUR ANKLES,

AND DO THAT LITTLE WADDLE OF YOURS?

HOW ABOUT I TAKE OFF MY BELT

AND WRAP IT AROUND YOUR NECK

AND TIGHTEN IT TILL YOUR EYES BULGE OUT?

OH, IT'S A GOOD THOUGHT, ROY, BUT THEY DID THAT LAST WEEK WITH A CAT.

IS THERE A JOE HACKETT HERE?

I'M JOE HACKETT.

YOU KNOW, YOUR CAR IS PARKED IN THE HANDICAPPED ZONE.

OH, THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

I WOULD NEVER PARK IN A-- (Brian) HEY, THANKS A LOT, JOE.

BY THE WAY, YOU'RE A LITTLE LOW ON GAS.

FINE. JUST GIVE ME THE TICKET.

HEY, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT'S THIS FOR?

A CHARM BRACELET. A LITTLE TOKEN OF AFFECTION FROM THE CITY FATHERS.

OOH, NOW THIS LOOKS PROMISING.

BEAT IT.

THIS IS HOW YOU GUYS HANDLE A PARKING VIOLATION?

THIS IS HOW WE HANDLE 42 PARKING VIOLATIONS.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT-- EXCUSE ME, OFFICER,

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE,

BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MAN IS INNOCENT,

WHOEVER HE IS.

CAN I HAVE A MOMENT ALONE WITH MY BROTHER?

JOE? JOE, IS THAT YOU?

YOU'VE GOT 30 SECONDS. DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY.

BUT IF YOU DO, I'LL BE RIGHT OVER HERE.

SHE SAYS I HAVE 42 TICKETS, BRIAN.

CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY, JOE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 43,

BUT I DROVE OFF WHILE THEY WERE WRITIN' ONE OF 'EM.

HEY, SUGAR BUNS, MOVE IT ALONG.

SUGAR BUNS! HUH? ISN'T THAT CUTE, JOE?

SHE'S ALREADY GIVEN YOU A PRISON NICKNAME.

ONE I SUGGEST YOU CHANGE, BY THE WAY.

BRIAN... RELAX, JOE, RELAX.

I WILL GET US OUT OF THIS. HOW?

COME ON. SHE'S A WOMAN, I'M ME.

FILL IN THE BLANKS.

I REALLY DON'T WANNA GO TO PRISON, BRIAN.

UH, HI, OFFICER...THOMAS.

BRIAN HACKETT.

[smacks lips]

YOU GOT A PROBLEM? NO!

[chuckling] NO, NO PROBLEM.

YOU'RE NEW TO THE ISLAND, AREN'T YOU?

YEAH. SO?

I DON'T KNOW, THERE'S JUST SOMETHING INCREDIBLY FAMILIAR ABOUT YOU.

MAYBE, IT'S THAT ENCHANTING PERFUME YOU'RE WEARING.

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?

DEODORANT. MMM!

BET IT'S FRENCH.

FRENCH... FRANCE. THAT'S IT.

THE LINE OF YOUR CHEEKBONE TAKES ME BACK

TO THAT AFTERNOON I SPENT AT THE MUSEE D'ORSAY IN PARIS.

I WAS MESMERIZED BY THE GRACEFUL BEAUTY OF A GREEK GODDESS.

DOES ANYONE EVER BUY THAT CRAP?

YOU'D BE AMAZED.

LOOK, OFFICER-- LOOK, I--I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

IF I LET HIM GO, WILL YOU JUST, UH, SHUT UP?

BY LETTING HIM GO, DO YOU MEAN LETTING HIM OUT OF THE HANDCUFFS

OR LETTING HIM OUT OF THE TICKETS?

DON'T PUSH IT. YOU'RE NOT THAT CUTE.

JUST PAY THESE TICKETS BY 5:00, ACE.

OH, BELIEVE ME, SOMEONE WILL PAY.

THANK YOU, OFFICER THOMAS.

COLLEEN.

OH, OK. WELL, UH, THIS HAS BEEN A REALLY INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE, COLLEEN.

WE'LL HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME.

WHEN?

WHEN WHAT?

UH, I THINK SHE MEANS "WHEN" AS IN,

WHEN ARE YOU TWO GONNA GET TOGETHER?

YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY THAT,

AND THEY NEVER ACTUALLY SET A TIME? UH...

SO, WHEN, BRIAN?

UH, YOU KNOW, W-WHENEVER.

HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?

I FINISH TEACHING MY MACE CLASS AT 8:00.

PERFECT. OH, UH, I--I REALLY HAVE A FLIGHT TONIGHT.

SORRY, NO CAN DO.

NO, NO, YOU CAN DO. THAT'S MY FLIGHT.

YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT I PROMISED TO TAKE IT FOR YOU?

NO.

UH, YOU 2 KIDS GO OUT, HAVE A GOOD TIME.

DINNER, MAYBE A DOUGHNUT.

[mumbling] JOE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT I OWE YOU A FLIGHT?

BRIAN, AFTER WHAT YOU JUST DID FOR ME, CONSIDER THE SLATE CLEAN.

8:30. PICK ME UP AT THE STATION.

BEFORE WE GO TO DINNER, I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE MORGUE

AND SHOW YOU THE CORPSE WE PULLED OUT OF THE HARBOR.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

SHE IS ONE SCARY WOMAN.

WELL, SHE'S A SCARY WOMAN, YOU'RE YOU.

FILL IN THE BLANKS.

[cutlery clinking]

LOWELL MATHER, I CATCH YOU MESSING WITH ANYTHING ON MY COUNTER AGAIN,

YOU'RE GONNA BE PICKIN' YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR FOOT.

I THINK YOU HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH MY COUSIN BEVO.

DO I LOOK CONFUSED?

NO, MA'AM.

BUT, UH, HELEN, YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK THOSE CREAM DISPENSERS

TO MAKE SURE NOBODY PUT ANY, UH, YOU KNOW,

KAOPECTATE IN THEM OR ANYTHING.

HEY, BRO.

DID YOU HAVE FUN ON YOUR DATE LAST NIGHT?

WELL, LET ME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY:

VIEWING THE CORPSE IN THE MORGUE

WAS THE HIGH POINT OF THE EVENING.

WELL, STILL, YOU GOT HOME PRETTY LATE. DID, UH, DID ANYTHING HAPPEN?

YEAH, HACKETT. DID YOU TWO, UH, HOW DO THE POLICE SAY IT,

"ASSUME THE POSITION"?

[groans]

CUT ME A LITTLE SLACK, ROY, OK?

NO. NO, NO, IT'S A FAIR QUESTION.

WAS THERE ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT?

OH, YEAH, THERE WAS PHYSICAL CONTACT, ALL RIGHT.

ON THE WAY OUT OF THE RESTAURANT,

SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO DEMONSTRATE A SELECTION OF SUBMISSION HOLDS ON ME.

YEAH?

EACH OF THEM INVOLVED GRINDING HER HEEL INTO THE SMALL OF MY BACK.

OH! SPIKED HEELS OR PUMPS?

THIS WAS THE WORST DATE I EVER HAD.

BESIDES BEING BOTH VIOLENT AND BORING,

IT VIOLATED MY RULE OF NEVER GOIN' OUT WITH ANYBODY

IN POLYESTER STRETCH PANTS.

NO OFFENSE, ROY.

ANYWAY, IT'S ALL OVER WITH

AND I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.

YEAH. YOU SHOULD PAY YOUR PARKING TICKETS WHEN YOU GET 'EM.

NO, THAT YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN FROM NOW ON, BIG SHOT.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M PULLING YOUR FANNY OUT OF THE FIRE.

FANNY ON FIRE? BOY, A GUY LEAVES THE ROOM FOR ONE MINUTE...

WELL, THE UPSIDE IS, NO WAY SHE'S EVER GONNA WANT TO SEE ME EVER AGAIN.

BRIAN, I ALMOST FORGOT.

THIS WAS DELIVERED EARLIER FOR YOU.

(all) AW!

WHAT? WHAT? IT'S NOT NECESSARILY FROM HER.

A TEDDY BEAR DRESSED AS A POLICEMAN COULD BE FROM ANYONE.

[crying] OH, GOD.

[Roy chuckling]

"DEAREST BRIAN, HERE'S A WIDDLE POWICE BEAR

FOR YOU TO CUDDLE WIF TONIGHT."

NOT MUCH OF A SPELLER, IS SHE?

BOY, I'LL SAY. ONE "D" IN "WIDDLE."

[snorts]

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

I DON'T WANNA GET INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN

WITH A BRASS KNUCKLE COLLECTION.

JEEZ, LOUISE.

I SPEND A FORTUNE ON THOSE 976 NUMBERS TO GET MY DREAM GAL, AND NOTHIN',

AND YOU WIND UP WITH VENUS.

I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO THE STATION RIGHT NOW,

AND I'M GONNA END THIS THING WITH COLLEEN ONCE AND FOR ALL.

IT'S TIME I STARTED TO ACT LIKE A MAN.

WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA LEAVE THIS BEAR WITH THE DESK SERGEANT AND RUN LIKE HELL.

BRIAN. OH!

HOW DID YOU LIKE MY GIFT? UH...

UH, I WOVE MY WIDDLE FWIEND.

OUTSTANDING. I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.

LAST NIGHT WAS JUST SO WONDERFUL. MMM.

SO WILL I BE SEEING YOU?

OH, HECK, IT'S A SMALL ISLAND.

I'M SURE WE'LL BE SEEIN' EACH OTHER AROUND, YOU KNOW?

NO, I MEAN, WILL I BE "SEEING" YOU?

DOESN'T NOW QUALIFY?

I'M GETTING SOME WEIRD VIBES HERE, BRIAN.

YOU WEREN'T TOYING WITH ME LAST NIGHT, WERE YOU?

I MEAN, THIS WASN'T JUST ABOUT GETTING OUT OF SOME TICKETS?

[sighing] BECAUSE IF IT WAS, I SWEAR...

NO, NO. COLLEEN!

[chuckles] COLLEEN!

COLLIE, COLLIE, COLLIE, NO.

SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 7 TO PROVINCETOWN

IS NOW READY FOR BOARDING.

AH, THERE IS MY FLIGHT. GOT TO RUN.

YOU'LL CALL ME WHEN YOU GET BACK?

UH, SURE, AS IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

IT DOESN'T, DOES IT?

[yawning]

FAY, DO I LOOK AS BAD AS I FEEL?

I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU FEEL LIKE DEATH WARMED OVER?

YES, I DO.

YOU SEE, JOE? THAT WASN'T SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

THIS IS THE 3RD NIGHT IN A ROW.

COLLEEN KEEPS CALLING AT ALL HOURS AND BRIAN REFUSES TO TALK TO HER.

SO AS USUAL, IT'S ME THAT HAS TO ANSWER THE PHONE.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET IT RING?

YOU CAN'T DO THAT. OF COURSE YOU CAN.

[phone ringing] NO, YOU CAN'T. YOU HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE.

[phone continues ringing] SAYS WHO?

AREN'T YOU GONNA ANSWER THAT? NO.

[phone continues ringing]

AND NEITHER ARE YOU.

[ringing continues] FEEL THE FREEDOM, JOE,

FEEL THE POWER OF NOT ANSWERING A RINGING PHONE.

[phone stops ringing]

NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER? NO!

OH, COME ON, JOE, THINK ABOUT IT.

HOW MANY PHONE CALLS IN YOUR LIFE

HAVE BEEN SO IMPORTANT THEY COULDN'T WAIT?

FAY, YOUR NEIGHBOR'S BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU. YOUR GARAGE IS ON FIRE.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD. HI, FAY, NICE BLOUSE.

THANK YOU, IT'S NEW.

HEY, BRIAN. YOU HAVE GOT TO END THIS THING WITH COLLEEN TODAY.

LOOK-- NOW. THIS MINUTE!

JOE, RELAX, WILL YOU?

THE COLD-SHOULDER STRATEGY IS IN EFFECT.

SHE'LL GET THE HINT EVENTUALLY.

OH, BRIAN.

YOU SHOULDN'T TREAT COLLEEN THAT WAY.

IT IS SUCH THE TYPICAL GUTLESS GUY WAY OF HANDLING THINGS.

RIGHT, RECOMMENDED BY 98 OUT OF 100 GUTLESS GUYS AS SAFE AND EFFECTIVE.

HELEN'S RIGHT, BRIAN. JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.

THE TRUTH? SHE'D RATHER HEAR ANYTHING

THAN HEAR THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE HER. NO, NO, NO.

YOU TELL HER A LITTLE WHITE LIE.

THEREFORE, SHE CAN WALK AWAY WITH HER DIGNITY INTACT.

THE TRUTH.

[snorting]

WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE PEOPLE DON'T LIE, AND MAYBE ANSWER THE PHONE ONCE IN A WHILE.

THANK YOU BOTH FOR YOUR ADVICE,

BUT BELIEVE ME, WHEN I GIVE A WOMAN THE COLD SHOULDER,

SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.

BRIAN. OH!

WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS?

JOE, COLLEEN'S BEEN CALLING AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?

[tisking]

SO EVERYTHING'S OK?

AH, SURE, SURE.

OUTSTANDING, BECAUSE TONIGHT IS COUPLES' NIGHT AT THE PISTOL RANGE.

LOOK, UH, COLLEEN, BEFORE WE GET AROUND ANY LIVE AMMO,

I--I--I REALLY THINK WE NEED TO TALK.

ABOUT WHAT?

WELL...

UH, GOSH, I--I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.

[stuttering] OK, LOOK, I SORT OF HAD THIS

ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS OTHER WOMAN.

NOT NEARLY AS TOGETHER AS YOU.

ANYWAY, WHEN I MET HER,

IT WAS KIND OF OFF, BUT NOW IT'S KIND OF-- CRAP.

I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.

JUST LIKE PROBABLY YOU'VE BEEN MAKING EVERYTHING UP.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, COLLEEN, I'M SHOCKED.

THEN WHO IS SHE?

WHO IS SHE?

WHO IS SHE?

I'LL TELL YOU WHO SHE IS. SHE'S HER.

OK, ROY. WHEN I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL,

YOU START SHOOTING AND I'LL WALK INTO THAT DOOR.

OK?

[chuckling] OK.

DID YOU GET IT?

YEP, WE-- OH, NO, WAIT, DARN.

I PRESSED PLAY INSTEAD OF RECORD.

WE--WE BETTER TRY IT AGAIN.

OK. READY? MMM.

[exhales]

DID YOU GET IT?

UM, IT WAS A LITTLE OUT OF FOCUS. WE BETTER DO IT ONE MORE TIME, HUH?

OK.

READY?

[muttering] DID YOU GET IT?

IT WASN'T FRAMED JUST RIGHT.

SO, UM, WE SHOULD TRY ONE MORE.

I--I'LL GET HER THIS TIME FOR SURE.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, TROY.

READY?

YOU OK, LOWELL?

YES.

AND I'LL TAKE "POTPOURRI" FOR $50, ALEX.

[phone ringing]

OH, THE DAILY DOUBLE.

WELL, JOE. YOU'RE LOOKING MUCH BETTER THIS MORNING.

FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT BRIAN DID,

BUT COLLEEN SEEMS TO BE OUT OF OUR LIFE.

[crashing]

WHAT'S WRONG?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON,

BUT THAT POLICEWOMAN WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.

ON THE WAY TO WORK, SHE STOPS ME 3 TIMES.

ONCE FOR HAVING MY REGISTRATION STICKER IN THE WRONG PLACE,

ONCE FOR NOT MAKING A COMPLETE STOP AT A STOP SIGN,

AND ONCE FOR GOING A MEASLY 2 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.

WELL,

DID YOU DO THOSE THINGS?

WHO ARE YOU, DONNY OSMOND?

OF COURSE I DID THOSE THINGS!

THAT'S NOT THE POINT, JOE.

DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE A BLACK JEEP LAREDO

WITH THE LICENSE PLATE "CELLO"?

THAT'S MY JEEP.

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT'S MY JEEP!

[clears throat]

REMEMBER THAT YOU STOPPED ME 3 TIMES EARLIER TODAY?

OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER YOU.

[whimpers]

WHAT IS THIS FOR? BROKEN TAILLIGHT.

NO, THAT CAN'T BE. I LEFT MY JEEP NOT 5 MINUTES AGO.

IT DID NOT HAVE A BROKEN TAILLIGHT.

OH, GEE.

IT DOES NOW!

HI, FAY. BEAUTIFUL DAY, ISN'T IT?

SUN'S OUT, THE BIRDS ARE SINGING,

I DON'T HAVE A STILETTO HEEL WEDGED BETWEEN MY VERTEBRAE.

BRIAN, YOU'RE A SWEET BOY, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND HALF OF WHAT YOU SAY.

HEY, BRIAN, WHEN YOU SETTLED THINGS WITH COLLEEN,

EXACTLY HOW DID YOU SETTLE 'EM?

OH, I JUST TOOK HELEN'S ADVICE AND I SIMPLY TOLD COLLEEN

A LITTLE WHITE LIE TO SPARE HER FEELINGS.

WHAT KIND OF LITTLE WHITE LIE?

I TOLD HER HELEN WAS MY GIRLFRIEND.

[door banging] DID YOU BOTHER TELLING HELEN ABOUT THIS?

THAT PSYCHO BROKE MY TAILLIGHT!

IT DIDN'T SEEM TO INVOLVE HER.

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING, HELEN.

BRIAN TOLD COLLEEN THAT YOU WERE HIS GIRLFRIEND.

WHAT? YOU DID WHAT?

WELL, Y-YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO TELL HER A LITTLE WHITE LIE.

YES. A LITTLE WHITE LIE-- (Colleen) YO, MISS CHAPEL.

CHARMING LITTLE CAFE YOU HAVE HERE.

I'LL HAVE TO RECOMMEND IT TO THE HEALTH INSPECTOR.

THAT'S IT, BRIAN.

2 CAN PLAY THIS GAME.

EXCUSE ME, UH, OFFICER THOMAS,

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE GIRL-TO-GIRL TALK HERE.

YEAH?

LOOK, I KNOW WHEN I'M OVERMATCHED.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

I'M TRYING TO SAY THAT I KNOW ABOUT YOU AND BRIAN.

AND I KNOW...

[whispering loudly] THAT HE'S GOT IT BAD FOR YOU.

HE DOES? OH, YES, HE DOES.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU CAN HAVE HIM.

HELEN, HELEN! HE'S YOURS.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. OH, YES, I DO.

I FOUND OUT ABOUT THOSE RESERVATIONS.

WHAT RESERVATIONS? YES, WHAT RESERVATIONS?

YOU KNOW, THE ONES YOU MADE

AT THAT COZY LITTLE INN IN VERMONT THIS WEEKEND?

(Helen) SEE, I HATE THE WOODS.

SO I KNOW HE WASN'T PLANNING TO TAKE ME THERE.

BUT I WAS. I WAS!

OH, BRIAN, THIS IS WONDERFUL. WHEN ARE WE LEAVING?

WELL, CHECK-IN IS AT 4:00, SO IF YOU WANNA CATCH THE FERRY--

OUTSTANDING! I'LL JUST SWING BY MY PLACE AND PICK UP A FEW THINGS.

OH, AND, HELEN, FORGET ABOUT THAT TICKET.

I GOT WHAT I WANT.

OH, PACK A PINK NIGHTIE. BRIAN LOVES PINK.

WELCOME TO THE BIG LEAGUES, SPARKY.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

IF SOMEONE WERE TO JAM YOUR HEAD IN A DISHWASHER,

WOULD YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTION TO MY FILMING YOUR REAR END HANGING OUT?

JUST TRYING TO MAKE AMERICA LAUGH.

OH, UH, LOWELL,

THAT FILE DRAWER IN JOE'S OFFICE CAME OFF ITS ROLLERS AGAIN.

UH, COULD YOU FIX IT?

YEAH, SURE, FAY. MIGHT AS WELL.

NOTHING WACKY EVER HAPPENS AROUND HERE.

[golf balls clattering]

HEY, MIKE.

WELL,

THAT FILE DRAWER'S FIXED.

I'M GONNA HEAD INTO TOWN

AND SEE IF ANYTHING WACKY IS HAPPENING THERE.

COLLEEN'S DUE HERE ANY SECOND.

I JUST CAME TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

I'VE ENTERED MYSELF INTO THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM, JOE.

IF YOU NEED ME, WIRE NILES UNDERWOOD, ENID, OKLAHOMA.

GEE, NILES, UH,

IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU'LL MISS YOUR WEEKEND IN VERMONT.

[laughing]

[scoffing] YOU'RE GETTING A BIG KICK OUT OF THIS, AREN'T YOU?

YOU SAID I SHOULD LAUGH MORE, BRIAN.

JOE, I AM DESPERATE!

I'VE TRIED EVERY WEAPON IN MY ARSENAL.

I'VE TRIED CHARM, DECEIT, AVOIDANCE, CRASS MANIPULATION.

ALL MY OLD FRIENDS HAVE FAILED ME.

I KNOW THIS IS, UH, SORT OF A RADICAL IDEA,

BUT HOW ABOUT TELLIN' HER THE TRUTH?

OH, SURE, JOE. WHY DON'T I JUST STICK A BULL'S-EYE ON MY PRIVATES?

BRIAN, COLLEEN IS HERE,

AND SHE'S WEARING LIPSTICK.

[groans]

OK.

OK, JOE. I'LL TRY IT YOUR WAY.

BUT IF SHE KILLS ME,

I'M GONNA COME BACK FROM THE GRAVE

AND MESS UP YOUR SOCK DRAWER.

ALL SET?

UH, COLLEEN, I THINK WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

BE GOOD TO HIM.

[sobbing]

[Helen guffawing]

COLLEEN, I HAVE SOMETHING I WANNA SAY TO YOU.

[laughing]

WHAT? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA PROPOSE TO ME, ARE YOU?

BECAUSE I HAD THIS FUNNY PREMONITION.

THAT IS FUNNY. THEN IT'S TRUE.

NO, IT'S JUST FUNNY. LOOK, COLLEEN...

COLLEEN, THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A WEEKEND TRIP.

THERE'S NOT? NO, THERE'S NOT.

OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A SHAM,

I'VE NEVER BEEN INVOLVED WITH HELEN,

AND THE ONLY REASON I WENT OUT WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE

WAS TO KEEP MY BROTHER FROM GETTING ARRESTED.

NOW, I'LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU'RE UPSET!

BUT ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU PLEASE...

DON'T MARK UP MY FACE.

OK.

"OK" AS IN "OK, YOU WON'T MARK UP MY FACE,"

OR "OK" AS IN "OK, IT'S ALL OK WITH YOU"?

IT'S FINE WITH ME, BRIAN.

[exclaims in relief]

OH, THAT'S GREAT!

THAT'S GREAT. TO THINK I...

I WAS AFRAID OF HOW YOU'D TAKE ALL THIS.

WELL, THAT'S THAT, THEN.

I GUESS I'LL BE, UH, SEEIN' YOU AROUND, HUH?

HMM. IT'S A SMALL ISLAND.

I'M SURE WE'LL BE BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER. YES.

EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, I...

[clears throat] I'D LIKE TO TURN MYSELF IN.

I HAVE 200 UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.

WELL, THEN I'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE STATION.

I MIGHT BE A BAD BOY, I MIGHT RESIST.

[whistling]

MORNING, JOE. MORNING, BRIAN.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M OUT HERE.

IS THERE COFFEE READY YET?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COLLEEN CAME BY LAST NIGHT TO THANK ME FOR MY HONESTY.

AND YOU KNOW, JOE,

I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT:

THAT THE TRUTH

IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.

SO WAS THAT WAD OF COTTON SHE STUFFED IN MY MOUTH.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN UP THERE?

OH, IT'S HARD TO TELL.

I'VE LOST CONSCIOUSNESS 3...

MAYBE 12 TIMES.

YEAH.

WELL, THANKS ANYWAY, BRIAN,

BUT TO BE QUITE HONEST WITH YOU,

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU STAGED IT.