Original subtitles

[people chattering]

OH, JOE. I--I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,

BUT IN THE SPIRIT OF GLOBAL AWARENESS,

I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF REPLACING

ALL OUR PLASTIC CUPS WITH BIODEGRADABLE ONES.

FAY, THAT IS GREAT.

I THINK WE SHOULD ALL BE MORE ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS THESE DAYS.

BUT DON'T WE STILL HAVE 300 OR 400 OF THE OLD CUPS?

OH, THOSE. I TOSSED THEM.

[seagulls cawing]

[projector whirring]

(Helen) SO, I OPEN THIS PACKAGE FROM MY PARENTS

AND IN IT ARE THESE REALLY GREAT HOME MOVIES OF MY 11TH BIRTHDAY PARTY.

YOU WERE THERE, JOE,

LOOKING ABOUT AS RELAXED AS I'VE EVER SEEN YOU.

AND YOU, TOO, BRIAN.

YOU WERE BEING TOTALLY YOU.

THERE WAS A WONDERFUL SHOT OF YOUR MOM.

OH, AND REMEMBER THOSE SILLY GAMES WE USED TO PLAY?

BRIAN WAS THE WINNER OF THE EGG RACE.

WELL, THE DISPUTED WINNER.

I WAS HAVIN' A GREAT TIME.

YOU KNOW, IT REALLY DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO AMUSE AN 11-YEAR-OLD.

I SWEAR THERE WAS NOT ONE SHOT OF ME

WHERE I WASN'T STUFFING, CHEWING, SWILLING OR SWALLOWING.

NO, I TAKE THAT BACK. THERE WAS ONE OR TWO OF ME GAGGING.

I REMEMBER THAT PARTY.

I PAID BETH PARKS 50 CENTS

TO DO A HANDSTAND IN HER PARTY DRESS.

YEAH. SHE'D HAVE DONE IT FOR A QUARTER

BUT I WAS FEELIN' GENEROUS THAT DAY. OH!

YEAH. I REMEMBER THAT.

NO WAY! MR. GOODY-TWO-SHOES HERE

WAS COVERING HIS EYES WITH HIS HANDS.

YEAH. BUT I WAS PEEKING THROUGH MY FINGERS.

I FORGET, JOE, WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER

YOU TOOK A HEADER INTO THE BIRTHDAY CAKE?

BRIAN, I DIDN'T TAKE A HEADER. YOU TRIPPED ME.

JOE, IT'S TIME YOU STOPPED LIVIN' THAT LIE.

YOU DROPPED THE CAKE ON THE LAWN

AND YOU FELL IN IT.

MY CAKE WAS TOTALLY COVERED IN GRASS CLIPPINGS.

I ATE IT ANYWAY.

IT WAS THE ONLY ROUGHAGE I HAD THAT YEAR.

THOSE MOVIES SOUND LIKE A LOVELY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

BIRTHDAY PRESENT? WHAT BIRTHDAY PRESENT? WHEN'S HELEN'S BIRTHDAY?

IT'S TODAY.

WHY, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

LOWELL. LOWELL, DID YOU KNOW THAT TODAY WAS HELEN'S BIRTHDAY?

UH, SURE DID. IT'S KIND OF HARD TO FORGET.

FALLS ON THE SAME DAY SIR JOHN SPEKE DISCOVERED THE SOURCE OF THE NILE.

NOW, YOU COMIN' TO THE PARTY?

PARTY? THERE'S A PARTY?

UH, SURE WOULD'VE BEEN NICE IF YOU GUYS HAD TOLD ME

YOU WERE THROWIN' A PARTY FOR HER.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL. WE DO THIS EVERY YEAR.

I BAKE A CAKE.

WE WAIT IN THE HANGAR, SHE COMES IN

AND WE ALL YELL, "SURPRISE."

AND UNBELIEVABLY, EVERY YEAR SHE SCREAMS.

MAYBE HELEN'S JUST BEING POLITE.

NO, I WAS TALKIN' ABOUT FAY.

AH, I HATE THIS. I'M COMPLETELY UNPREPARED.

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO LOOK FOR A GIFT AT THE LAST MINUTE.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

YOU KNOW, BRIAN, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO BENEFIT

FROM MY EXPERIENCE.

I FOUND THAT IF YOU PANIC OVER THESE THINGS,

YOU TEND TO FREEZE UP.

SO JUST STAY CALM. RELAX.

AND I'M SURE YOU'LL THINK OF SOMETHIN' VERY SPECIAL

TO GET HELEN FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

YOU'RE RIGHT, LOWELL.

SO, UH, WHAT DID YOU GET HELEN?

OH, MY GOD!

FAY, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD TAKE A LOOK

AT MY HOUSEHOLD BUDGET FOR ME.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, LOWELL?

I'M, UH, RUNNING OUT OF MONEY BY THE 3RD DAY OF THE MONTH.

OH.

I'D BE HAPPY TO.

I FIGURED YOU'D BE THE PERSON TO COME TO,

SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE SO DARN GOOD WITH NUMBERS AND ALL.

I MEAN, FLIGHT 23, GATE 1.

FLIGHT 45, GATE 1. FLIGHT 67, GATE 1.

HOW YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHICH FLIGHT GOES TO WHICH GATE, I'LL NEVER KNOW.

JOE, JOE, JOE, CHECK OUT WHAT I GOT FOR HELEN.

A PORTABLE CASSETTE PLAYER.

WOW, WHAT'D THAT SET YOU BACK?

UH, $65.

$65?

BRIAN, THAT'S WAY OUT OF LINE.

WE ALWAYS GET HELEN LITTLE THINGS.

SO?

OH, HO-HO, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO DO.

YOU ONLY GOT HELEN SOMETHIN' BIG TO GET HER TO GO OUT WITH YOU.

[in British accent] OH, DEAR, YOU'VE SEEN PAST MY FEEBLE CHARADE.

YEAH.

WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

HELEN IS NOT THE TYPE TO LOSE HER HEAD OVER SOME SILLY GIFT.

[projector whirring]

COME ON, JOE, DON'T MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OF IT.

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU SPEND ON HER?

ABOUT $10.

[in British accent] DON'T I FEEL THE PERFECT FOOL.

HERE I SPENT ALL THIS MONEY

AND I'M SURE SHE'LL LIKE YOUR GIFT

JUST AS MUCH AS SHE LIKES MINE.

HI, JOE. WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

I WAS IN TOWN, I WALKED PAST A STORE,

I SAW THIS, HAD HELEN'S NAME WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.

YEAH, WHAT IS IT? MONSIEUR CHEESE POT.

YOU SEE, YOU HEAT UP CHEESE IN THIS THING

UNTIL IT GETS ALL SOFT AND GOOEY.

AND THEN YOU TAKE THESE LITTLE PIECES OF BREAD

AND YOU PUT THEM ON THESE STICKS AND DIP THEM INTO IT.

OH, THAT'S NICE.

ASSUMING ANYONE WOULD EVER WANT TO DO THAT.

YOU DON'T THINK HELEN'S GONNA LIKE IT?

OF COURSE SHE WILL.

SURE, AFTER A LONG DAY SLAVING OVER A HOT, GREASY GRIDDLE,

THERE'S NOTHING SHE'D RATHER DO

THAN SIT DOWN IN FRONT OF A HOT BUBBLING CAULDRON OF CHEDDAR.

COME HERE. I NEED YOUR FINGER.

I GOT ONE FOR YOU.

NO, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

HEY, THIS BOX LOOKS A LITTLE BIG

FOR A PORTABLE CASSETTE PLAYER.

AH, WELL, I TOOK THAT BACK. I GOT TO THINKIN', UH,

IF I'M GOING TO LAUNCH THE GOOD SHIP HELEN,

IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO GREASE THE SKIDS A BIT,

SO I GOT HER A CORDLESS PHONE.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU WENT OUT AND PURPOSELY GOT A BETTER GIFT THAN MINE.

A BETTER GIFT THAN AN ELECTRIC CHEESE MELTER?

SURELY YOU JEST.

RELAX, JOE. I JUST CHANGED MY MIND.

BULL. YOU'RE TRYING TO ONE-UP ME.

YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF HELEN.

JOEY, BABE, YOU SOUND A LITTLE PARANOID HERE.

WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY?

[projector whirring]

[inaudible]

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

IF YOU WANT,

HERE'S SOME PAPER SO YOU CAN WRAP UP MONSIEUR CHEESE BREATH.

POT.

WHERE YOU GOIN'?

UH, UH, UH,

I HAVE TO GET MY FOOT MEASURED.

JOE, THIS ISN'T ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR CLEVER FIBS, IS IT?

NO.

FAY, HAVE YOU HAD A CHANCE TO PERUSE MY BUDGET YET?

YES, LOWELL. I HAVE AND I HAVE ONE TINY QUESTION.

FIRE AWAY.

WHAT'S THIS $112.50 A WEEK FOR TUXEDO RENTAL?

[plane passing]

THAT'S FOR TUXEDO RENTAL.

BUT LOWELL, WHY ARE YOU PAYING MONEY

TO A TUXEDO RENTAL SHOP EVERY WEEK?

OH, IT WAS MY UNCLE EVERETT'S

LAST WISH TO BE BURIED IN WHITE TIE AND TAILS.

I THOUGHT IT WAS MY FAMILIAL DUTY TO SEE THAT WISH CARRIED OUT.

SO, YOU'VE BEEN RENTING A TUXEDO BY THE WEEK?

WELL, I SEE YOUR POINT.

YEAH, MONTHLY WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WAY TO GO ON THAT.

LOWELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BUY THE TUXEDO?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE THOSE THINGS ARE?

HELL AND I GOT A GREAT DEAL ON THIS ONE.

NO PANTS.

I FIGURED WHY SPEND THE EXTRA MONEY

IF THEY DON'T OPEN THE WHOLE CASKET, RIGHT?

I WANT YOU TO GO DOWN TO THAT TUXEDO SHOP TODAY

AND TELL THEM YOU'D LIKE AT LEAST HALF OF YOUR MONEY REFUNDED.

WHAT IF THEY WANT THE TUXEDO BACK?

SOMETHING TELLS ME THEY WON'T.

HACKETT, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

IN TOWN GETTIN' HELEN A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

HMM. WHAT DID YOU GET HER?

FRENCH PERFUME. TOUJOURS.

$150 AN OUNCE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MMM, VERY CLASSY.

SHOULD GO REAL WELL WITH THAT ITALIAN HANDKNIT SWEATER YOUR BROTHER GOT HER.

WHAT? YEAH.

SAID HE DROPPED $200 ON IT.

HE TOLD ME NOT TO TELL YOU.

THEN WHY'D YOU TELL ME?

I LOVE JERKING YOU GUYS AROUND.

ROY, ROY. DID YOU SEE JOE?

YEAH. HE WAS JUST SHOWING ME

SOME RITZY PERFUME HE BOUGHT HELEN.

HE WENT BACK INTO TOWN TO EXCHANGE IT FOR SOMETHING.

OH, BY THE WAY, I ACCIDENTALLY LET IT SLIP

ABOUT THAT SWEATER YOU'RE GETTING HELEN.

ROY, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

I KNOW.

I HATE MYSELF FOR IT.

WELL, LOOK, YOU TELL FAY THAT I GOT TO RUN INTO TOWN.

OK.

ROY, HAVE YOU SEEN BRIAN?

NO, NOT LATELY.

OH, LIFE IS GOOD.

HEY, JOE, UH, MIND IF I LEAVE THIS IN HERE UNTIL THE PARTY?

NO. NOT AT ALL.

WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

[chuckling] I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU, BRIAN.

I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO ONE-UP ME AGAIN. COME ON.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I GOT.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, SO DON'T TELL ME.

IT'S A CAPPUCCINO MAKER.

THAT'S NICE. THAT'S NICE?

THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOING TO SAY IS, "THAT'S NICE"?

YOU GOT HER SOMETHING BETTER.

MAYBE I DID. MAYBE I DIDN'T.

THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT UNTIL AFTER THE PARTY

BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU.

JOE, I CALLED THE STORE.

THAT'S A 3-YEAR WARRANTY ON THAT C.D. PLAYER.

C.D. PLAYER? YOU GOT HER A C.D. PLAYER?

YES, YES, I GOT HER A C.D. PLAYER.

I GOT HER A GREAT C.D. PLAYER.

A $500 C.D. PLAYER

WITH EVERY BELL AND WHISTLE YOU CAN IMAGINE.

SO HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, DADDY WARBUCKS?

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING TO GET SOME RIBBON.

C.D. PLAYER, EH?

I CAN TOP THE C.D. PLAYER.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN'?

[exclaiming]

STOP THAT! OH, JOE. OK, YOU'RE KILLIN' ME.

KILL-- KILLIN' ME. KILLIN' ME.

HEY, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. BRIAN, LOOK AT US.

I'D LIKE TO, JOE, BUT I'M FACIN' THE WRONG WAY.

I--I'M SORRY.

BRIAN, THIS HAS GOTTEN TOTALLY OUT OF HAND.

YEAH, YOU HAVE A POINT.

THANK YOU. ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.

BRIAN, L-LISTEN.

I KNOW HELEN. SHE IS NOT IMPRESSED BY EXTRAVAGANT GIFTS.

THIS IS GOING TO EMBARRASS HER.

NOT TO MENTION EVERYONE ELSE WHO GOT HER A SIMPLE GIFT.

YOU WANT TO EMBARRASS EVERYONE?

NOT EVERYONE, NO.

THEN LET'S CALL IT A TRUCE. WE'LL RETURN THESE

AND GET HER LITTLE GIFTS.

OK, OK, LITTLE GIFTS. REALLY?

YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY.

JUST GOT A LITTLE CRAZY, THAT'S ALL.

[sighing]

AND JOE,

THAT CRACK ABOUT YOU HAVIN' A POINT ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.

YEAH? WEAR A HAT.

YEAH, ALL WE NEED NOW IS A CLEVER EXCUSE TO GET HELEN IN HERE.

I'LL HANDLE IT.

HEY, HELEN, COULD YOU COME HERE FOR A MINUTE?

I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT, UH,

SOMETHING.

JOE HACKETT, MASTER OF SUBTERFUGE.

[screams]

(all) SURPRISE.

YOU GUYS, YOU GOT ME AGAIN.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

GREAT, THANK YOU.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN. THANK YOU.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN. THIS IS FROM ME.

OH, WHY, A ROCK.

WELL, IT'S NOT JUST ANY ROCK.

IT'S A PIECE OF A WELSH CASTLE.

THE GUY WHO SOLD IT TO ME TOLD ME

IT ORIGINALLY BELONGED TO THE DUKE OF EARL.

WELL, I FIGURED IT WOULD MAKE A GREAT PAPERWEIGHT.

SO WOULD LOWELL.

THANK YOU.

AND ROY.

[gasps] A NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS' COFFEE MUG.

YEAH, I GOT IT WITH THE FILL UP AT HENDERSON'S SERVICE STATION.

IF YOU WANT THE MATCHING THERMOS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THE LUBE JOB.

OH, FAY.

[gasps] IT'S A MEDALLION OF SAINT JUDE.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP YOU IN YOUR QUEST TO BECOME A CONCERT CELLIST.

UH, ISN'T SAINT JUDE THE PATRON SAINT OF LOST CAUSES?

YES.

NEVER TAKE IT OFF.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE JOE'S IS THE ONLY PRESENT LEFT.

AND HERE'S ONE THAT LOOKS PRETTY INTERESTING.

OOH.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN. LOVE, BRIAN."

BRIAN, I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT, UH...

[screaming] A C.D. PLAYER.

[projector whirring]

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, BRIAN.

I'VE WANTED ONE OF THESE THINGS FOR MONTHS NOW.

WASN'T THERE A GIFT FROM JOE HERE SOMEWHERE?

UH, NO, NO.

OH, HERE IT IS. IN ALL THE EXCITEMENT

OVER BRIAN'S WONDERFUL GIFT,

IT MUST HAVE GOT KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR. OH.

GOD, THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A GREAT BIRTHDAY.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT'S IN HERE.

[screaming] GOSH, I JUST LOVE IT.

IT'S A SEAGULL ON DRIFTWOOD.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WOW, WHEREVER DID YOU FIND ONE OF THESE?

TRY AND TAKE 3 STEPS ON THIS ISLAND AND NOT FIND ONE.

SO, UH, YOU LIKE IT?

OH, IT'S REALLY CUTE.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THIS THING.

YOU THINK YOU CAN COME OVER TO MY HOUSE TONIGHT AND HOOK IT UP?

OH, SURE. NO PROBLEM.

BRIAN, COULD I SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE?

OH, GEE, JOE, I'D REALLY LIKE TO, BUT-- OH, NOW'S A GOOD TIME.

LET ME GO!

YOU LITTLE PUKE.

WE HAD A DEAL ABOUT THESE GIFTS.

NOW, LOOK JOE, JOE,

I CAME THIS CLOSE TO BUYING HER A GARFIELD MEMO PAD.

I COULDN'T DO THAT.

HELEN MEANS MORE TO ME THAN CARTOON CATS.

BESIDES, I GOT A GREAT DEAL ON THE C.D. PLAYER

BECAUSE YOU JUST RETURNED IT.

WHY, YOU LITTLE-- IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

SURE.

LISTEN, BRIAN, AS LONG AS YOU'RE COMIN' OVER TONIGHT, YOU WANT ME TO COOK US DINNER?

(Brian) OH, GREAT. I'LL BRING THE WINE.

OH, TERRIFIC. YEAH, SAY, WHAT KIND OF WINE GOES BEST WITH DIGITAL SOUND?

HEY, HACKETT, YOU GOT SOME GLUE IN HERE?

THE BIRD FELL OFF THAT PIECE OF WOOD.

[laughing]

OH, I'M TELLING YOU, THIS C.D. PLAYER IS UNBELIEVABLE.

IT'S GOT-- HELEN, COULD I GET A REFILL?

SURE, JOE. IT'S GOT A 10-DISC CAPABILITY,

REMOTE CONTROL, IT'LL PLAY ANY TRACK AT RANDOM

OR IT'LL SKIP THE TRACKS THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

UH, HELEN? YEAH, JUST A SECOND, JOE.

THE CLARITY IS SO UNBELIEVABLE,

YOU WOULD SWEAR ELLA FITZGERALD WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

MAYBE SHE COULD GET ME A CUP OF COFFEE.

YEAH, MAYBE.

OF COURSE, NOW I'M TOTALLY HOOKED.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO REPLACE ALL MY RECORDS WITH C.D.s.

IT'S A RACKET, BUT WHO CARES?

HELEN. YES.

I--I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA FIX THIS.

OH, I TRIED, JOE,

BUT THE GLUE DISSOLVED THE BIRD'S FEET.

HELLO, FAY.

THINGS WENT GREAT AT THE TUXEDO SHOP.

LOWELL, THEY DIDN'T TALK YOU INTO RENTING ANOTHER TUXEDO, DID THEY?

PLEASE, FAY, DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT?

WELL, THEY WOULDN'T REFUND MY MONEY

BUT I GOT THEM TO GIVE ME A STORE CREDIT.

THINKING ABOUT GOING WITH A WHITE DINNER JACKET TOMORROW.

HEY, LOOKING GOOD, LOWELL. WELL, THANK YOU.

DOIN' SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT WITH MY HAIR.

HEY, JOE. HELLO, THERE.

HEY. HEY.

I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT. YEAH, ME, TOO.

HEY, THANKS FOR HOOKIN' UP MY STEREO SYSTEM.

MY PLEASURE. BOY, THE SOUNDS COMING OUT OF THAT BEDROOM LAST NIGHT

WERE UNBELIEVABLE.

I KNOW. THE C.D. SOUNDED GREAT.

OH, THE C.D. THAT, TOO.

I TELL YOU THAT BROTHER OF YOURS IS ONE GENEROUS GUY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

I MEAN HE'S GENEROUS.

LIKE I'M NOT?

OH, I DIDN'T SAY THAT, JOE.

I MEAN, HE BOUGHT ME A C.D. PLAYER.

DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THOSE THINGS-- OH, C.D. PLAYER, C.D. PLAYER.

I'M GETTIN' A LITTLE TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT THIS DAMN C.D. PLAYER.

THERE WERE A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT YOU GIFTS.

I DON'T HEAR YOU RATTLING ON ABOUT THEM.

OK, JOE, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, WITH YOU IT'S-- IT'S C.D. THIS, C.D. THAT.

C.D., C.D., C.D., C.D., C.D.--

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT I WON'T MENTION IT AGAIN.

IF I NEVER HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THAT STUPID C.D. PLAYER, IT'LL BE TOO SOON.

I WAS GOING TO GET YOU THAT C.D. PLAYER.

COME ON, JOE.

DON'T TRY TO TAKE CREDIT FOR BRIAN'S GIFT.

I LIKE WHAT YOU GAVE ME. IT WAS VERY NICE.

OH, DON'T PATRONIZE ME. IT WAS STUPID.

WELL, IF IT WAS SO STUPID THEN WHY DID YOU GET IT FOR ME?

WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE IF I KNEW YOU COULD BE BOUGHT.

[projector whirring]

HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!

I HAVE NEVER TREATED ANYONE DIFFERENTLY

BECAUSE OF THE GIFT THEY GAVE ME.

NO DIFFERENT, WHATSOEVER.

OF COURSE IT WAS VERY TOUGH

TO RESIST SUCH A FINE PIECE OF CRAFTSMANSHIP AS YOUR GIFT.

GREAT, SO YOU SAY YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT. WELL, GREAT.

NEXT YEAR, I'M NOT GETTING YOU ANYTHING.

OH, NO, DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

YOU CAN'T BE SO CRUEL. NO MORE DRIFTWOOD?

I HATE YOUR BIRTHDAY.

WELL, THANKS TO YOU, SO DO I.

[projector whirring]

[knocking on door]

[crickets chirping]

HI.

HELLO.

CAN I COME IN?

ALL RIGHT.

OH, YOU'RE WATCHIN' HOME MOVIES.

THAT'S WHAT THE FLICKERING LIGHTS WERE.

ACTUALLY, I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SATANIC RITUAL.

I CAN COME BACK. I WAS MAKING A JOKE, JOE.

SO WAS I, HELEN.

I WAS JUST WATCHIN' SOME MORE OF MY BIRTHDAY MOVIES.

YOUR MOTHER WAS YANKING BRIAN'S EAR

AND READIN' HIM THE RIOT ACT.

HUH. YEAH, THAT USED TO HAPPEN A LOT.

UNTIL HE WAS 5, I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS "STOP IT, BRIAN."

UH, SOMETHIN' I WANT TO GIVE YOU.

COME ON, JOE,

HASN'T THIS PRESENT THING GONE ON LONG ENOUGH?

YOU ALREADY GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY GIFT.

OH, THIS ISN'T A BIRTHDAY GIFT. THIS IS A

I'M-SORRY-FOR-BEING-A-SILLY- STUPID-PIGHEADED-MORONIC- IDIOT GIFT.

WELL, IN THAT CASE.

I WAS HOPING IT WOULD MAKE UP FOR OUR FIGHT TODAY.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

IT WAS AS MUCH MY FAULT AS IT WAS YOURS.

[exclaims]

A CAMEO.

JOE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

I LOVE IT.

GOOD. THEN WE'RE FRIENDS AGAIN?

WE NEVER STOPPED BEING FRIENDS.

WE JUST HAD A LITTLE ARGUMENT.

LISTEN, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE THOUGHT, BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS.

WHY? BECAUSE IT'S JEWELRY.

IT'S WAY TOO PERSONAL.

AND, THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT A FRIENDSHIP GIFT.

WELL, THEN, WHAT--WHAT'S A FRIENDSHIP GIFT?

I DON'T KNOW.

A BOOK.

A PICTURE FRAME. A FONDUE POT.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT A C.D. PLAYER?

THAT'S STILL FRIENDSHIP.

TOP-OF-THE-LINE FRIENDSHIP BUT NEVERTHELESS FRIENDSHIP.

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS BRIAN'S GIFT DIDN'T GET HIM ANYWHERE?

OF COURSE IT DID. GOT HIM RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.

HE MADE ONE OF HIS SUAVE PASSES

THAT I FIND MOST DIFFICULT TO FEND OFF.

HELEN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL. JUST TAKE IT.

NO, I--I DON'T KNOW, JOE.

IT--IT LOOKS SORT OF LIKE AN HEIRLOOM.

IT'S NOT. TH-THEY MAKE THEM LOOK THAT WAY.

I PICKED IT UP AT STEDMAN'S. IT'S NOTHIN'.

IT PRACTICALLY FELL OUT OF A CRACKERJACK BOX.

REALLY?

TRUST ME. PLEASE.

TAKE IT.

OK, JOE.

THANK YOU.

WELL, I--I GOT TO RUN. YEAH.

IT'S A FULL MOON OUT TONIGHT

AND BRIAN JUST BOUGHT A BULLHORN.

IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A GOOD COMBINATION.

GOOD NIGHT.

THANKS AGAIN.

YEAH, SURE.

[projector whirring]

[inaudible]

YOU LITTLE SON OF A GUN.