Original subtitles

SANDPIPER AIR WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME ITS ARRIVING PASSENGERS

TO NANTUCKET, FORMER WHALING CAPITAL OF THE ATLANTIC.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION A WHALE'S BLOWHOLE CAN GENERATE ENOUGH PRESSURE

TO PROPEL A SMALL CHILD 40 FEET IN THE AIR.

ISN'T MOTHER NATURE A HOOT?

[seagulls cawing]

HI, FAY.

HEY, JOE, HOW WAS THE FLIGHT?

UH, FINE. ARE THERE ANY MESSAGES?

YES. THE BANK CALLED, YOUR CHECKS ARE IN.

AND JERRY STARK CALLED 3 TIMES.

I DON'T KNOW ANYONE NAMED JERRY STARK.

THAT'S FUNNY, HE SAID HE WAS A FRIEND OF YOURS FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

HUH! HE SAY ANYTHING ELSE?

YES, HE SAID, GOD BLESS YOU.

OH, NO! SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE RELIGIOUS TYPES ASKING FOR MONEY.

UH, NO, I THINK HE SAID THAT BECAUSE I SNEEZED.

HEY, UH, I JUST GOT A BUNCH OF MESSAGES FROM A GUY NAMED JERRY STARK.

HE TOLD FAY THAT HE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH US. DO YOU REMEMBER HIM?

UH-UH. NO, ME, NEITHER.

OF COURSE I WAS SO POPULAR, I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYBODY,

EVERYBODY WANTED TO KNOW ME.

YEAH, THEY WERE OBVIOUSLY ATTRACTED TO THE BRACES ON YOUR TEETH

AND YOUR PIZZA-LIKE COMPLEXION.

HACKETT. HELEN. NUTCASE.

SAY, UH, ROY, UH, I DON'T MEAN TO GET PERSONAL,

BUT, UH, WHY DO YOU HAVE A MINIATURE BAG OF FRENCH FRIES

STUCK TO YOUR HEAD?

WHAT?

[chuckling]

IT'S THAT BOY OF MINE, R.J.

[chuckling] WHAT A SENSE OF HUMOR.

HE KEEPS SNEAKING UP BEHIND ME AND STICKING REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS TO MY HEAD.

WH-WHAT MAKES IT STICK?

I GOT A METAL PLATE RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

ROY, THIS PLATE OF YOURS, IS THIS SOMETHING NEW?

I'M-- I'M GUESSING IT WAS ELECTIVE SURGERY.

NO. NO. IT WAS A TYPICAL CHILDHOOD ACCIDENT.

HAPPENED WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD IN A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME.

TOOK A FASTBALL IN THE OLD COCONUT, HUH? NO, I WAS UP IN THE BLEACHERS.

I TRIED TO SWIPE MY LITTLE BROTHER'S MILK DUDS,

AND HE HIT ME WITH A BRICK.

BASEBALL FEVER. CATCH IT.

PLATE IN HIS HEAD, WOW!

AND I THOUGHT WOODEN LEGS WERE COOL.

[telephone ringing]

$10 SAYS LOWELL'S PACKING A LITTLE SHEET METAL.

JOE, YOUR FRIEND, JERRY STARK'S ON THE PHONE.

AGAIN? OH, GOD!

I HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS ME AND I DON'T KNOW THEM.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL REMEMBER WHEN I HEAR HIS VOICE.

HEY, YOU GUYS WENT TO SCONSET HIGH ABOUT THE SAME TIME WE DID.

DO YOU REMEMBER A GUY NAMED JERRY STARK?

SKINNY KID, BAD TEETH, BIG BLOTCH ON HIS FACE?

NO. THAT WAS BRIAN.

SO, WHEN YOU CHECK THE INVENTORY, LOWELL, SEE, I WANT YOU TO...

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

WELL,

I HAPPEN TO BE A STUDENT OF MEDICAL ODDITIES

AND TO BE QUITE FRANK, ROY,

THIS--THIS PLATE IN YOUR HEAD HAS GOT ME INTRIGUED.

NOW, IF I WERE TO PEEL BACK YOUR SCALP, WHAT EXACTLY WOULD I SEE?

THE INSIDE OF A BODY BAG.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I JUST DID SOMETHING VERY STUPID. WHAT?

WELL,

I--I'M ON THE PHONE WITH THIS JERRY STARK GUY

AND I WAS JUST TOO EMBARRASSED TO TELL HIM I DIDN'T REMEMBER WHO HE WAS.

SO I PRETENDED I DID.

AND I JUST WENT ALONG AGREEING WITH EVERYTHING HE SAID.

AND I AGREED TO BE THE BEST MAN AT HIS WEDDING.

HE--HE JUST SPRUNG IT ON ME. HE SAID I WAS HIS BEST FRIEND.

AND NOW HE AND THE FUTURE MRS. WHAT'S-HER-FACE ARE GONNA BE HERE FRIDAY.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

UH, YOU WOULDN'T BE THE BEST MAN AT MY WEDDING.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU MARRIED MY FIANCEE.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES.

THIS IS CRAZY. I MUST KNOW HIM.

WHY WOULD A PERSON ASK A TOTAL STRANGER TO BE HIS BEST MAN?

OOH, I SMELL THE START OF A HITCHCOCK MOVIE.

HEY, ROY,

DO YOU EVER REMEMBER THERE BEING A FAMILY BY THE NAME OF STARK

ON THE ISLAND?

NO. WHAT ABOUT YOU, LOWELL,

THE NAME JERRY STARK RING A BELL?

WELL, I COULD BE WRONG,

BUT I THINK HE'S THE GUY WHO PLAYED POTSIE'S COUSIN ON HAPPY DAYS.

HEY, JOE. GOT OUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK.

WANNA SEE IF WE CAN FIND JERRY STARK?

OH, YEAH. (Brian) HEADS UP.

THIS HAS BEEN DRIVING ME NUTS.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

WE'RE, UH, LOOKING THROUGH THE YEARBOOK TRYING TO FIND JERRY STARK.

OH, HEY, SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

[hissing]

HEY, NICE CATCH, FAY.

GEE, YOU'D THINK THAT'D HURT HER TEETH.

AH, WHAT'S THIS? THE SCONSET HIGH WHALE, RIGHT?

OH, WAIT, HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO. SCHAEFFER, SIMPSON...

[both moaning]

JERRY STARK, NOT PICTURED. DAMN!

THE ONLY ACTIVITY HE'S GOT LISTED IS THE FRENCH CLUB.

SO CHECK AND SEE IF HE'S THERE.

OH! HEY, HEY, HEY, LOOK.

[chuckling] THERE'S HELEN IN ORCHESTRA.

HA! OH, WELL, IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT.

THERE WERE ONLY 7 OF US,

SO I HAD TO FILL BOTH THE FIRST AND THE SECOND CHAIRS.

YEAH.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SPILLING OVER ON TO THE THIRD, TOO.

OK, SO I WAS A LITTLE PUDGY.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, JOE? TURN THE PAGE!

OH, GOD, I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN! YEAH, YEAH, I WISH YOU HAD.

[laughing] [chuckling] AND WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

"JOE HACKETT AS MARCELLUS IN THE DRAMA GUILD PRODUCTION OF HAMLET."

HUH! MMM, NICE LEGS, JOE.

YEAH.

THOSE TIGHTS PRETTY MUCH SHOWED YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS, DIDN'T THEY?

JOE APPARENTLY LIVED IN A SMALL APARTMENT.

OOH, YEAH.

FRENCH CLUB, FRENCH CLUB.

HERE WE GO, FRENCH CLUB.

AND HERE'S JERRY STARK, THIRD ROW UP, FIFTH FROM THE LEFT, HMM.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

HE'S COMPLETELY HIDDEN BY KAREN STEGNER'S HAIR.

I KNOW THIS IS A LONG SHOT,

BUT SINCE HE BELONGED TO THE FRENCH CLUB,

DO YOU THINK OUR OLD TEACHER WOULD REMEMBER WHO HE WAS?

MONSIEUR BUSARD? YEAH.

[exclaiming] IT'S WORTH A TRY.

BUSARD WAS SUCH A WEIRD LITTLE GUY.

HE ALWAYS SMELLED OF CHEAP WINE AND CIGARETTES.

GOD, I ENVIED HIM.

HELLO, MONSIEUR BUSARD?

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. BONJOUR.

UH, THIS IS JOE HACKETT, AND I WAS WO...

UH, PARDON?

PARDON?

[stammering] CAN YOU HOLD ON A SECOND? UH, S'IL VOUS PLAIT?

HE SEEMS TO BE A FEW CROISSANTS SHORT OF A DOZEN.

HE REFUSES TO SPEAK ANY ENGLISH AT ALL.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, JUST TELL HIM TO, UH, WAIT-O A SECOND-O.

GOOD, BRIAN. THAT'S SPANISH.

JOE, UH, PHIL'S HERE. HE NEEDS YOU TO CHECK THE FUEL ORDERS.

OK, WAIT ONE SECOND, LOWELL. UH, HOW DO YOU SAY "SCHOOL" IN FRENCH?

UM... ECOLE.

WAIT, Y-YOU SPEAK FRENCH?

[speaking French]

WELL, DO YOU PARLE ENOUGH TO ASK MONSIEUR BUSARD

IF HE REMEMBERS A MAN NAMED JERRY STARK?

WHAT'S THE MATTER? DIDN'T THAT HAPPY DAYS LEAD PAN OUT FOR HIM?

NO. NO. CAN YOU JUST ASK HIM?

[speaking French]

[speaking French]

HE'S THINKING, JOE.

[speaking French]

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

NOW I KNOW WHY THE FRENCH LOVE JERRY LEWIS.

[telephone ringing]

[people chattering]

IT'S ELECTRIFIED.

I'VE GOT IT. I'VE GOT IT. I KNOW WHO JERRY STARK IS.

AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON. HIS PLANE JUST ARRIVED. SO, WHO IS HE ALREADY?

OK, REMEMBER THAT GUY IN STUDY HALL, THE QUIET ONE, SAT ON THE SIDE,

AVERAGE HEIGHT, MEDIUM BUILD,

ALWAYS HAD SORT OF A VACANT LOOK ON HIS FACE?

OH, GOOD, JOE. YOU JUST DESCRIBED HALF THE MEN IN EASTERN EUROPE.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS I FIGURED IT OUT.

OH, YEAH, THERE HE IS.

BOY,

HE HAS NOT CHANGED ONE BIT. JOE.

JERRY? JOE!

JERRY!

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, JOE. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE I REMEMBERED YOU.

AND YOU LOOK JUST LIKE...

YOU.

WOW! LOOK AT THIS, JOE. YOU'RE A PILOT.

YOU OWN YOUR OWN AIRLINE. YOU REALIZED YOUR LIFELONG DREAM.

YEAH, I GUESS I DID. I REALIZED MY DREAM, TOO.

OH, HEY, GREAT. SO YOU FINALLY BECAME A...

[stammering] UH, I FORGET THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR IT.

DENTIST?

YEAH, THAT'S IT!

[laughing]

WHAT A MANIAC! I'VE MISSED THAT GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR!

THIS GUY HAS BEEN WAITING ALL THESE YEARS TO FIND SOMEONE AS FUNNY AS JOE?

HEY, HERE SHE IS, THE FUTURE MRS. STARK.

MARILYN, SAY HELLO TO JOE HACKETT.

SHOW HIM YOUR CAPS, HONEY.

HI, JOE. HI, MARILYN.

SO, UH, WHERE DID YOU 2 KIDS MEET?

AT AN AUTO ACCIDENT.

THAT'S UNUSUAL.

IT'S WHAT I DO. I TAKE PICTURES AT AUTO ACCIDENTS

AND SELL THEM TO INSURANCE COMPANIES.

I TOOK AN ILLEGAL LEFT TURN AND GOT NAILED BY A BREAD TRUCK.

IT'S ONE OF MY BEST SHOTS.

OH, YEAH. WAS THAT JERRY THERE?

NO, THAT'S A PARKER HOUSE ROLL.

THERE'S JERRY! OVER THERE.

[chuckling] OH, YEAH.

I GUESS THEY WOULDN'T USE THE JAWS OF LIFE TO SAVE A ROLL.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU HE HAD A GREAT-- GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

YES, YOU DID. COME ON, MARILYN.

YOU KNOW HOW I HATE THE WAY YOU ALWAYS-- FINISH YOUR SENTENCES.

YOU'RE RIGHT. FORGIVE ME, HONEY.

SORRY, JOE. IT'S REALLY HER-- MY ONLY FAULT.

AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT JERRY SAYS.

OH, UH, JERRY, MARILYN, I WANT YOU TO MEET--

BRIAN AND HELEN, RIGHT?

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. HEY, JERRY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I TOLD HER HOW YOU 3 WERE PRACTICALLY JOINED AT THE HIP.

OH, YEAH, YEAH. IT WAS FUN FOR A WHILE,

BUT IT WAS HELL HAVING A SUIT MADE.

WELL, WE GOTTA GO. YEAH, WE GOTTA GO.

[all chattering]

HI, I'M FAY COCHRAN.

I DON'T WANT TO INTERRUPT BUT I HEARD ABOUT YOUR WEDDING

AND I WANTED TO ADD MY BEST WISHES.

MARRIAGE IS A WONDERFUL INSTITUTION.

I KNOW. I'VE BEEN THERE 3 TIMES MYSELF.

UH, MARRIAGE, I MEAN, NOT AN INSTITUTION.

THANK YOU, FAY.

A-AND IF I KNOW JOE HERE, HE'S PLANNING A DOOZY OF A BACHELOR PARTY FOR YOU.

BACHELOR PARTY? COOL!

JOE, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT. WELL, OF COURSE HE DID.

IT'S THE BEST MAN'S RESPONSIBILITY.

WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED ANYTHING LESS FROM MY BUDDY.

LISTEN, WE GOTTA GO RENT A CAR.

WE'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND. COME ON, HONEY.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THIS HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND. I'M NOT GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.

I DON'T CARE HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS, I'M GONNA TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.

JOE, I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW HOW THRILLED JERRY IS

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE HIS BEST MAN.

WELL, I SHOULD'VE TOLD HIM THIS BEFORE,

BUT IT'S HARD FOR ME TO SAY-- HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.

I UNDERSTAND.

NO. WHAT I M-MEANT TO SAY WAS I DON'T KNOW--

HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO HIM.

JOE, EVER SINCE JERRY'S PARENTS DIED,

AND WITH HIM BEING AN ONLY CHILD,

WELL, YOU ARE THE CLOSEST THING HE HAS TO FAMILY.

LOOK, JOE, ABOUT THAT BACHELOR PARTY,

I DIDN'T GIVE YOU MUCH NOTICE, SO...

SO DON'T GO TO TOO MUCH TROUBLE.

MAYBE JUST GET THE OLD GANG TOGETHER.

YEAH, WELL, UH, OK.

REFRESH MY MEMORY. EXACTLY WHO WAS IN THE OLD GANG?

HEY, WHO WASN'T?

OK, LET'S START THERE. WHO WASN'T IN THE OLD GANG?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU? IS HE A-- A MANIAC, OR WHAT?

MARILYN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE-- HAVE THAT TALK AGAIN.

WE'RE STAYING AT THE HARBOR HOUSE, BUDDY.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER ON. BYE.

OK, TALK TO YOU LATER. SEE YOU.

GREAT.

NOW, I HAVE TO THROW A BACHELOR PARTY FOR A COMPLETE STRANGER.

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET SLEAZY ENTERTAINMENT AT THIS HOUR?

CALL THIS NUMBER. ASK FOR RAVEN.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHY DO YOU--

OH, YEAH, NEVER MIND.

IF THIS WAS MY OLD GANG, I'D SHOOT MYSELF.

LOOK, THE ONLY REASON THESE GUYS ARE HERE IS

BECAUSE I PROMISED THEM SOME HOT ENTERTAINMENT.

AND IT BETTER BE GOOD, JOEY, BECAUSE IF FAY TURNS UP WITH HER SLIDES FROM VERMONT,

THINGS COULD GET UGLY.

IT'S ALREADY UGLY. CHECK OUT ROY'S PANTS.

UH, DON'T WORRY. I HIRED AN EXOTIC DANCER. SHE'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT.

WAIT--WAIT, WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?

I'M NOT TOO SURE. THEY FOLLOWED ME HOME FROM THE CASH MACHINE,

SO IF I WERE YOU, I'D KEEP MY EYE ON 'EM.

NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE, HACKETT.

SAY, LISTEN, IS THAT COUCH TREATED WITH THAT STAIN-RESISTANT STUFF?

NO. WHY?

I WAS JUST ASKING. BY THE WAY, YOU'RE OUT OF CLAM DIP.

OH, CHECK THE FRIDGE.

[doorbell ringing] I'LL GET IT, JOE.

AH, MONSIEUR BUSARD.

[speaking French]

OK, FELLAS, UH, THINGS ARE GONNA GET STARTED AS SOON AS JERRY ARRIVES.

WHO?

JERRY STARK, THE GUEST OF HONOR. HMM.

JUST--JUST ACT LIKE YOU'RE GLAD TO SEE HIM.

AND IF ANYONE KNOWS WHO THE HELL HE IS, PLEASE TELL ME.

[doorbell ringing]

HEY, JERRY, COME ON IN.

HEY. HEY, FELLAS, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HI. HIYA, JERRY.

[speaking French]

HEY, JIMMY. JERRY.

WHATEVER.

WOW! THIS IS GREAT.

[chuckling] HEY, JEFF. LARRY.

AND MONSIEUR BUSARD. MY FAVORITE TEACHER.

[speaking French]

COME ON, HACKETT, GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD. BRING ON THE BABE.

YEAH, BRIAN PROMISED NUDITY. NUDITY?

[all chattering] OK, OK, OK.

[whistles]

SETTLE DOWN, EVERYBODY. ENTERTAINMENT'S ABOUT TO BEGIN.

I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE SALOME AND HER DANCE OF THE 7 VEILS.

[music playing]

[men cheering]

(Brian) MY COMPLIMENTS ON SALOME.

YEAH, HER NAME'S NOT REALLY SALOME.

IT'S ROBERTA MULL FROM THE GIFT SHOP DOWN ON FEDERAL.

NO!

HEY, FOR A SECOND THERE I THOUGHT I WAS IN MOROCCO.

[speaking French]

[all cheering]

ROBERTA?

JERRY?

JERRY STARK? YOU KIND OF LOOKED LIKE YOU, BUT--

OH, ROBERTA.

YOU KNOW HIM, TOO?

WE DATED IN HIGH SCHOOL.

WHEN MY DAD MOVED US TO OHIO, ROBERTA AND I LOST TOUCH.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HACKETT?

SHE GOING TO TAKE IT ALL OFF OR WHAT?

YEAH, BRIAN, YOU SAID, "NAKED."

NUDITY!

[all chanting] NUDITY, NUDITY.

I'VE NEVER FORGOTTEN YOU.

EVERY TIME I MEET A WOMAN, I COMPARE HER TO YOU.

CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE AND TALK?

LOOK, JOE, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,

BUT, UH, WE HAVE TO LEAVE.

BYE, JOE.

OH, BY THE WAY, GREAT PARTY.

COME ON, COME ON, HACKETT.

[all chanting] NUDITY, NUDITY, NUDITY. SHH, SHH, STOP.

BE QUIET. NOW--NOW, JOE, UH,

IF YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO DANCE NAKED IN FRONT OF A LARGE GROUP OF MEN,

HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.

[all chanting] NUDITY!

[music playing]

OH, I THINK JERRY'S WEDDING TURNED OUT TO BE PRETTY SPECIAL.

OH, YEAH. HIS BEST MAN DIDN'T KNOW HIM,

HE DUMPED HIS FIANCEE AND MARRIED THE BELLY DANCER,

AND MONSIEUR BUSARD GOT SO DRUNK HE CHOKED ON A CHICKEN WING.

HEY, BY THE WAY, BRIAN, NICE HEIMLICH.

HEY, IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO FOR MY DANCE PARTNER.

WELL, THIS WHOLE MISERABLE WEEKEND IS ALMOST OVER.

JERRY'S LEAVING TODAY,

AND HE'LL JUST BE A DISTANT MEMORY.

MMM.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LIVE, FOR THE FIRST TIME ANYWHERE, MR. AND MRS. JERRY STARK.

[Brian sputtering]

BRIAN, YOU'RE A MANIAC.

LOOK, JOE, BEFORE WE HEAD OFF TO BOSTON,

ROBERTA AND I WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING AGAIN.

ESPECIALLY GETTING US BACK TOGETHER.

I GOTTA SAY, UH, MARILYN WAS A REALLY GOOD SPORT.

IMAGINE, SHE ACTUALLY ATTENDED THE WEDDING.

SHE WAS A LITTLE DOWN DURING THE CEREMONY,

BUT SHE PERKED UP AT THE RECEPTION

WHEN THE ROAST BEEF TROLLEY SIDESWIPED THE DESSERT CART.

NOW, LOOK, YOU, I WANT YOU TO PROMISE YOU'LL COME OUT TO COLUMBUS AND VISIT US.

I'LL TRY. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I WANT YOU TO GET OUT YOUR CALENDAR RIGHT NOW

AND PICK A DATE. FALL MIGHT BE GOOD.

WE COULD DRIVE TO CIRCLEVILLE FOR THE PUMPKIN FESTIVAL.

HEY, BETTER YET, WHY DON'T WE COME BACK FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

YOU AND ME AROUND THE OLD CHRISTMAS TREE SIPPING SPARKLING APPLE CIDER,

LISTENING TO PERRY COMO SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS.

IMAGINE THAT. I'M TRYIN'.

AND, JOE, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE KIDS.

WELL, ROBERTA AND I'VE DECIDED WE'RE DEFINITELY HAVING A BIG FAMILY.

YEAH, AND BOY OR GIRL, THE FIRST ONE'S GONNA BE NAMED JOE.

[stammering] NOW, LOOK.

YOU SEE, THAT'S-- AND OF COURSE WE WANT YOU TO BE GODFATHER.

IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENS TO ROBERTA AND ME,

WE WOULD WANT YOU TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN. ALL OF 'EM.

NO, NO. I CAN'T-- JOE, IT'S IMPORTANT TO US.

I'LL HAVE MY ATTORNEY DRAW UP THE PAPERS.

NO, YOU SHOULDN'T-- I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA.

OUR KIDS COULD SPEND THEIR SUMMERS HERE WITH UNCLE JOE.

NO! NO! THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW...

WHO YOU ARE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LOOK, I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE BUT,

I DON'T REMEMBER YOU.

I DON'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME. I DON'T REMEMBER YOUR FACE.

YOU ARE A COMPLETE BLANK TO ME.

I'M SORRY.

[laughing]

WELL, HOW--HOW COULD YOU NOT REMEMBER ME?

I MEAN, I MAY HAVE ONLY GONE TO SCHOOL HERE FOR A SEMESTER,

BUT WE WERE PALS. I KNOW WE WERE.

JERRY, I--

[sighing]

YOU HONESTLY DON'T REMEMBER PICKING ME FOR YOUR TEAM IN GYM CLASS?

OR RE-RECALL THAT TIME YOU MADE A PLACE FOR ME AT YOUR LUNCH TABLE?

OR WHAT ABOUT EVERY SINGLE DAY WHEN YOU WERE ON THE WAY TO YOUR LOCKER?

I'D BE STANDING AT MINE, AND AS YOU WALKED PAST YOU'D GO,

"HOW'S IT GOING, BUDDY?"

JERRY, IF I DID THOSE THINGS--

IF YOU DID THEM, JOE? I'M NOT CRAZY.

NEXT, YOU'LL BE TELLING ME YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE HOMECOMING GAME.

WELL, OF COURSE I DO.

I--I CAUGHT A SHORT PASS, TOOK IT UP THE MIDDLE 62 YARDS FOR THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN.

IT WAS 48 YARDS, JOE, BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT AFTER THE GAME.

I WAS STANDING WITH THIS BIG CROWD OF KIDS,

AND YOU WALKED BY ON YOUR WAY TO THAT PARTY AT THE BEACH.

WELL, YOU LOOKED RIGHT AT ME AND SAID, "HEY, COME ON."

WE WERE FRIENDS, JOE.

SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 25 FOR BOSTON WILL NOW BEGIN BOARDING.

WELL, I'M REALLY SORRY TO HAVE BOTHERED YOU.

I'LL BE GOING NOW.

AND YOU AND YOUR REAL FRIENDS CAN HAVE A GOOD LAUGH.

HEY, JERRY.

GOTCHA.

HUH?

OH, COME ON. I'M YANKING YOUR CHAIN.

DO YOU THINK I WOULD GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS,

BE YOUR BEST MAN, THROW YOU A BACHELOR PARTY, IF I DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU?

YOU MEAN? I'M KIDDING.

WHAT DID YOU DO? DID YOU GET MARRIED AND LOSE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?

IS THIS GUY A MANIAC?

MANIAC!

(Jerry) JEEZ.

LOOK, WE BETTER GET GOING. I'LL CALL YOU SOON.

OK, BUDDY. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THAT GAG.

[sighing]

YOU STILL DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHO HE IS, DO YOU?

NOT A CLUE.