Original subtitles

[seagulls cawing]

HEY, MAC, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET THIS CRATE OFF THE GROUND?

SIR, I'M SORRY, BUT THE GATE JUST CALLED

AND SAID THAT WE'RE WAITING FOR 2 MORE PASSENGERS. I'M VERY SORRY.

AH! AH! THIS LOOKS LIKE THEM NOW.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

UH, WE'RE PRETTY FULL UP AT THE MOMENT.

I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ROOM FOR THAT CASE OF BEER.

THERE, PUT THAT DOWN, NORMIE.

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO WAIT TILL YOU DRINK ALL THOSE.

ARE YOU?

UH, NO. NO.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

YOU CAN SIT RIGHT UP HERE NEXT TO ME.

[chuckling] WELL, THAT'S GREAT. THANK YOU THERE, SKIPPER.

UH, I GOT THE OLD SHOTGUN POSITION.

YEAH. I'LL KEEP WATCH FOR THE KAMIKAZES FOR YOU.

NOW, YOU FELLOWS PROMISE THAT STUFF WILL BE HERE WHEN I GET BACK?

I WOULDN'T WORRY.

THOSE TEAMSTERS WILL GUARD THAT BEER WITH THEIR LIVES.

OH, HEY, NORM.

THIS IS PROBABLY AS CLOSE AS YOU'RE GONNA GET

TO THE ACTUAL CONTROL PANEL OF AN AIRPLANE.

SO I'D LIKE TO, UH, GIVE YOU A LITTLE TOUR OF THE COCKPIT IF YOU DON'T MIND, HERE.

YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING, FIRST, WHAT THIS LITTLE DIAL IS, OVER THERE.

THAT'S YOUR, UH, IGNITO VECTOR OVERDRIVE.

SIR, UH, WOULD YOU MIND FASTENING YOUR SEAT BELT?

[mimicking radio] UH, 10-4, CAPTAIN.

CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT ON THE WATER.

DO YOU KNOW HOW THE FISHING IS AROUND NANTUCKET?

OH, YEAH, I HEAR THEY'RE BITIN' LIKE PIT BULLS AT A MAILMAN CONVENTION.

[both laughing]

THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?

GUESS NOT.

[switch clicking]

DON'T DO THAT.

WELL, YOUR ALTIMETER'S STUCK AT ZERO, THERE.

WE'RE ON THE GROUND.

[stammering] OH, YEAH, THAT CHECKS OUT.

WELL, UH, I'M ABOUT READY TO TAKE OFF, THERE.

HOW ABOUT YOU, SKY KING?

JUST ONE MORE PREFLIGHT ADJUSTMENT TO MAKE.

WHAT'S THAT?

WOULD YOU 2 GUYS MIND SWITCHING SEATS?

OH, I GET IT, REDISTRIBUTION OF PAYLOAD.

THAT'S YOUR, UH, R.D.P., LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IS THIS FOR, UH, SAFETY REASONS?

OH, YEAH.

IF HE'D STAYED UP HERE, I'D HAVE KILLED HIM.

OH.

SO, UH, WHAT TIME DOES COCKTAIL SERVICE START?

OH, WE DON'T HAVE COCKTAIL SERVICE.

[grunting]

YOU DO NOW.

(Fay) ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL

OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 48 FROM BOSTON.

AND FOR THE BENEFIT OF OUR FRENCH-CANADIAN VISITORS,

I'M AFRAID I DON'T SPEAK YOUR BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE.

[phone ringing]

[people chattering]

[Helen humming]

[airplane whirring]

WHAT ARE YOU, A RACCOON?

THERE WERE SPOTS.

ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT MY UTENSILS ARE UNCLEAN?

'CAUSE I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW

THAT I CLEAN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THESE--

OH, GROSS.

[cutlery clinking]

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WELL, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU THAT A REPORTER FROM AMERICAN FLYER MAGAZINE

WAS COMING TO INTERVIEW ME? RIGHT.

IT'S TODAY. IT...

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

THEN, HOW COME YOU HAVE GOOSE BUMPS?

I DON'T HAVE GOOSE BUMPS.

LOWELL, TAKE A LOOK AT THESE HONKERS, MAN.

WOW, THEY LOOK ALMOST LIKE REAL GEESE.

COME ON, I'M JUST COLD, ALL RIGHT?

NO, IT'S NOT COLD IN HERE, ACTUALLY, IT'S KIND OF HOT.

ANYBODY ELSE HOT IN HERE?

(all) YEAH!

OK, OK, I HAVE GOOSE BUMPS.

THEY'RE IN "V" FORMATION, THEY'RE FLYING SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.

IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?

[all grunting]

COME ON, THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT FOR ME.

THE LAST INDEPENDENT AIRLINE THIS MAGAZINE PROFILED

WENT FROM A 2-PLANE OPERATION TO A 6-PLANE OPERATION IN ONE YEAR.

REALLY? YOU THINK THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU, JOE?

YOU NEVER KNOW.

(Roy) HEY, HACKETT.

SO, AMERICAN FLYER HIT YOU UP FOR THAT ARTICLE, HUH?

YEAH. SURE DID.

[laughing]

THEY'VE BEEN AFTER ME FOR MONTHS TO DO AN ARTICLE, BUT I'M TOO BUSY.

I GUESS WHEN THEY REALIZED I WOULDN'T BE AT THEIR BECK AND CALL

THEY WENT TO THEIR "B" LIST.

WHEN THAT DIDN'T PAN OUT, THEY WENT TO YOU.

YOU ARE NOT GONNA RUIN THIS FOR ME, ROY.

THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD PUBLICITY

IN A RESPECTED AIR MAGAZINE.

PLEASE, PLEASE, FORGIVE ME, MR. BIG SHOT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE.

[snickering]

THEN COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU TALK.

YOU'RE SPRAYING LIKE A GARDEN HOSE.

[plane whirring]

(Cliff) UH, YOU KNOW,

I BETCHA IF YOU MADE ABOUT, OH, I DON'T KNOW,

20 DEGREE ADJUSTMENT ON THOSE TRIM TABS

THAT BABY'D SETTLE DOWN ON THE RUNWAY

LIKE A BUTTERFLY WITH SORE FEET.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

HEY, UH, DOES HE TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME?

OH, HE DOESN'T NEED PEOPLE.

CLIFFIE, LET'S GO DOWN TO THE WHARF, CHARTER A BOAT.

HEY.

I'VE, UH, GOT A BOAT FOR CHARTER.

AND SHE'S A BEAUTY. I'LL GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL, TOO.

ALL RIGHT, SOUNDS GOOD. HEY.

OF COURSE, MY FAMILY LIVES ON THE BOAT.

BUT THEY WON'T GET IN YOUR WAY.

DON'T MIND THE LITTLE ONE.

HE'LL PROBABLY JUST CRAWL RIGHT UP ON YOUR LAP AND FALL ASLEEP.

AT LEAST THAT WAY, HE WON'T EAT THE BAIT.

AND, UH, TRY TO IGNORE THE SKIN RASH THE LITTLE GUY'S GOT.

UH, THE CLINIC SAYS THAT IT'S NOT CONTAGIOUS.

THAT'S GOOD, WELL, UH, WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU, UH, THERE, CAPTAIN NEMO.

ALL RIGHTY.

[chuckling]

SEE YOU LATER. SHIVER YOUR TIMBERS, PAL.

THERE'S ONE GENE POOL YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE A DIP IN.

WELL, LISTEN, LISTEN,

YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING TO CHARTER A BOAT,

TRY JACK O'SHEA. TELL HIM JOE HACKETT SENT YOU.

OH, JACKIE O'SHEA, HUH?

[chuckling] SOUNDS LIKE AN IRISH BLOKE.

I BETCHA WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ANY TROUBLE

GETTING COCKTAIL SERVICE ON THAT BOAT.

[humming]

UH, HE'S--HE'S AN OK GUY. IT JUST TAKES A LITTLE TIME TO GET USED TO HIM.

I'M ABOUT, UH, 2 YEARS AWAY MYSELF.

[airplane whirring]

[people chattering]

YEAH, I'M TED COBB FROM AMERICAN FLYER MAGAZINE.

I'M LOOKING FOR JOE HACKETT.

UH, THAT'S HIM RIGHT OVER THERE.

OH, AND IN CASE YOU NEED IT FOR YOUR ARTICLE,

MY NAME IS FAY EVELYN COCHRAN,

MY FAVORITE COLOR IS BLUE,

AND I WAS THE FIRST STEWARDESS

TO USE THE EMERGENCY EXIT GESTURE.

I'VE SEEN YOUR WORK. THANKS.

EXCUSE ME, MR. COBB.

I'M ROY BIGGINS, OWNER OF AEROMASS,

THE ISLAND'S NUMBER ONE AIRLINE.

HERE, HAVE AN AEROMASS PEN.

YOU KNOW, SIR, THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN OVERLOOKED FOR A PULITZER PRIZE

IS UNCONSCIONABLE. MAY I AWARD YOU WITH AN AEROMASS MUG?

AND--AND, SIR, IF--IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR WAY CLEAR

TO MENTIONING MY--MY AIRLINE IN--IN YOUR MAGAZINE,

[whimpering] IT WOULD BE SO...

[stammering] HERE, HAVE AN AEROMASS FACE CLOTH.

TED, NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M--I'M JOE HACKETT.

WHY DON'T WE GO IN MY OFFICE?

YOU'VE GOT SOME REAL WHACKOS ON THIS ISLAND, HACKETT.

OH. SO, YOU'VE MET MY BROTHER, HUH?

IS THAT GUY YOUR BROTHER?

OH, NO, THAT'S ROY. I DON'T THINK HE HAS ANY SIBLINGS.

WORD IS, HE ATE 'EM IN THE NEST.

UH, HAVE A SEAT, TED.

SO, UH, WHAT ANGLE ARE YOU GONNA TAKE FOR THIS ARTICLE?

I MEAN, YOU HAVE THE ROMANCE OF THE "ONE MAN, ONE PLANE",

AND THERE'S THE DRAMA OF DAVID VERSUS GOLIATH.

I GUESS IT JUST DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

I'M LOOKING TO FILL 3 PAGES.

I SEE.

NOW, LOOK, HACKETT, I'M NOT GONNA KID YOU.

I HATE FLYING.

I HATE WRITING FOR THIS STUPID MAGAZINE.

I'M ONLY HERE BECAUSE MY EDITOR'S AUNT FLEW ON YOUR LITTLE AIRLINE

AND THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE A CUTE STORY.

YEAH, I THINK IT MIGHT.

I DON'T DO CUTE.

I NEVER HAD TO DO CUTE WHEN I WORKED FOR MERCENARY MONTHLY.

NOW, THERE WAS A MAGAZINE YOU COULD SINK YOUR TEETH INTO.

YOU COULD WRITE STORIES WITH RAW POWER

THAT WOULD LEAVE THE TASTE OF BLOOD IN YOUR MOUTH.

BUT BACK TO REALITY.

START AT THE BEGINNING.

WELL, UH, WHEN I WAS A KID,

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO MY HERO WAS.

CHUCK YEAGER.

YEAH! HOW DID YOU KNOW?

I'M PSYCHIC.

BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR WAY TO PROVINCETOWN.

YEAH, LOWELL HAD TO PULL THE PLANE IN,

THERE WAS A SMALL LEAK IN THE FUEL LINE.

OH, UH, WELL, TED, THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU TO SEE--

UH, TED?

THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU TO SEE.

UH, HERE AT SANDPIPER AIR,

SAFETY IS OUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.

THAT'S WHY I HIRED THE BEST MECHANIC ON NANTUCKET.

HE'S KIND OF A MECHANIC SAVANT.

OH, UH, TED COBB, THIS IS BRIAN, MY BROTHER. HE'S MY OTHER PILOT.

OH, YEAH. (Brian) TED COBB?

YOU'RE NOT THE TED COBB

WHO WROTE FOR MERCENARY MONTHLY, ARE YOU?

YEAH, I AM.

OH, MAN! I LOVE YOUR STUFF!

MY FAVORITE WAS A 4-PART ARTICLE ON THE SUCKING CHEST WOUND.

OH! YEAH, I WAS, UH, PRETTY PROUD OF THAT.

OH, MAN! I USED TO READ YOUR MAGAZINE FROM COVER TO COVER

WHEN I WAS FLYING OUT OF MUSTIQUE.

YOU FLEW OUT OF MUSTIQUE?

I LIVED THERE FOR 2 YEARS!

(Ted) HEY, DID YOU EVER GO DRINKING AT BASIL'S?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THEY NAMED A DRINK AFTER ME.

"THE TRAUMATIC HEAD INJURY."

(Brian) THAT'S ME, YEAH, YEAH.

IN FACT, I REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME, PRINCESS MARGARET WALKS IN

AND SHE NEEDS A LIGHT FOR HER CIGARETTE,

WHO KNEW SHE SMOKED, RIGHT?

SO I GRABBED THE TIKI TORCH... AHEM!

[Ted laughing] UH, BUT WHAT AM I GOING ON ABOUT?

THIS, UH, THIS ARTICLE'S ALL ABOUT JOE, RIGHT?

WHO'S JOE?

OH, RIGHT.

JOE, JOE, TELL HIM ABOUT THE TIME

YOU WERE FLYING THE SULTAN OF BRUNEI

AND ONE OF YOUR ENGINES BLEW AND YOU HAD TO--

OH, WAIT A SECOND. THAT WAS ME.

OK, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH. TELL HIM ABOUT THE TIME YOU WERE FLYING

AND YOUR WINGS ICED UP AND YOU HAD TO MAKE

AN EMERGENCY LANDING ON LAKE-- NOPE, NOPE.

THAT--THAT WAS YOU, TOO.

OH. WOW! WHAT A LIFE I'VE LED.

YOU KNOW, TED, IT ISN'T OFTEN

THAT I BRAG ABOUT SANDPIPER'S ON-TIME RECORDS,

BUT I'VE GOT SOME STATS HERE--

HEY, UH, LISTEN, BRIAN,

TELL ME WHAT OUTFIT DID YOU FLY WITH OUT OF MUSTIQUE?

UH, IGUANA AIRLINES.

"WE'RE UGLY, BUT WE GET YOU THERE."

THEY WERE A NUTTY BUNCH.

OH, TELL ME ABOUT IT. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

HEY, I REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME I'M FLYING A PLANELOAD OF SWIMSUIT MODELS

DOWN TO ST. THOMAS, RIGHT. SO, HALFWAY THERE,

WE DEVELOPED A LITTLE ENGINE TROUBLE, SO I HAVE TO DITCH.

WAIT, NOW, SLOW DOWN, SLOW, I WANNA GET ALL OF THIS.

OK, OK. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, SO, I DITCHED

AND HERE I AM, I'M ON THIS DESERTED BEACH

WITH THESE 6 GORGEOUS BABES LOOKING TO ME FOR PROTECTION.

THANK GOODNESS, I HAD SOME.

[both laughing]

I'M JUST GONNA, UH, GO GET A CUP OF COFFEE.

I MEAN, FAR BE IT FOR ME TO TELL THEM

THAT THERE WAS A SHERATON ON THE OTHER END OF THE ISLAND.

THEN I'M GONNA PUT A BONE IN MY NOSE

LIGHT MY HAIR ON FIRE AND DO THE LAMBADA WITH FAY.

GOOD, JOE. THANK YOU.

A SHERATON!

[exclaims]

I LOVE THIS!

[laughing]

HACKETT! HACKETT! DID TED SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

YEAH, HE SAID, YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN HE'S EVER SEEN.

REALLY?

HOW'S YOUR INTERVIEW GOING?

OH, IT'S GOING ALONG NICELY

ONLY, I DON'T SEEM TO BE A PART OF IT ANYMORE.

HEY, WHAT'RE YOU 2 GUYS STILL DOING HERE?

AH, SOAKING UP SOME LOCAL COLOR.

YEAH, I'M SOAKING UP MY SECOND RIGHT NOW.

AND A BEAUTIFUL AMBER IT IS, TOO.

HELEN, I NEED AN ANECDOTE.

WELL, MY FRIEND, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

IT WAS 1967, I BELIEVE--

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, JUST DRINK YOUR BEER.

HE NEVER SHUTS UP.

C-C-COME ON.

HELEN, HELP ME OUT HERE. BRIAN'S IN THERE DAZZLING TED

WITH STORIES ABOUT HIS FLYING CAREER,

AND I CAN'T REMEMBER ANY GOOD STUFF ABOUT ME.

UH, GRANTED, BRIAN IS A LITTLE MORE OUTGOING AND ALL,

BUT I THINK I'M A PRETTY INTERESTING GUY, TOO.

OH, I'M SORRY, JOE, WHAT?

NEVER MIND.

JOE, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND I'VE GOT BAD NEWS.

GOOD NEWS IS, THE PLANE'S FIXED.

WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?

I THINK I'M POSSESSED BY SATAN.

EITHER THAT OR RAGWEED SEASON HAS COME EARLY.

[sneezing]

MY MONEY'S ON SATAN.

[sighing]

HEY, WHY AM I TRYING TO COMPETE WITH BRIAN?

I'VE GOT MY OWN STORY, AND IT'S A DAMN GOOD ONE.

I MEAN, I STARTED THIS AIRLINE

WITH NOTHING BUT $5,000, AND MY OWN SWEAT AND SPIT.

JOE, THAT'S KIND OF DISGUSTING.

AND NOW IT'S A GROWING BUSINESS.

I MEAN, I AM AN AMERICAN SUCCESS STORY.

IF TED COBB CAN'T SEE THAT, I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO OPEN HIS EYES.

[Ted laughing]

...BY THE THIRD DAY, THOSE GIRLS HAD ELECTED ME KING!

YEAH, BRIAN, THE PLANE'S FIXED, LET'S GET IT IN THE AIR.

[exclaims]

WHAT'S THE MAGIC WORD? EUNUCH.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

SO, UH, TED, WHY DON'T WE GO BACK TO MY OFFICE?

I WANNA TELL YOU THE HISTORY OF SANDPIPER AIR FROM DAY ONE.

HACKETT, HISTORY'S FOR GEEKS.

I'M LOOKING FOR STORIES WITH REAL EXCITEMENT.

OH, WELL, NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, LET'S JUST GO BACK--

MAYBE LATER.

I'M GONNA FLY WITH BRIAN ON THIS NEXT FLIGHT.

GET A GOOD LOOK AT THE OPERATION.

OH, GOOD. GOOD.

UH, WHEN YOU GET BACK, I'LL TAKE YOU TO LUNCH, MY TREAT.

UH, SORRY, JOE, NO CAN DO.

I'M HAVING LUNCH WITH THE BRI-GUY.

"THE BRI-GUY?"

SO, THEREFORE, THE CLAM IS THE ONLY BIVALVE

WITH, UH, AN EROGENOUS ZONE.

UH, IT'S LOCATED RIGHT HERE UNDER THE SCUMPUS. SEE?

[gasps]

QUICK, JOE, RUN!

(Cliff) OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE!

HEY. HEY.

HOW COME YOU GUYS AREN'T OUT ON THE WATER YET? IT'S AFTER 1:00.

WELL, UH, WE'RE A LOT CLOSER THAN WE WERE BEFORE.

YEAH.

[sniffing]

I CAN EVEN SMELL THE SALT AIR FROM HERE.

YOU KNOW THAT COULD BE THE BEER NUTS YOU SMELL, HUH?

YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

ONE OR THE OTHER. I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO SEE YOUR FRIEND O'SHEA

AND, UH, WE WERE SASHAYING BY THIS LITTLE, UH, PUB

AND NORMIE SUGGESTED WE DROP IN TO GET DIRECTIONS

AND WE JUST FELL VICTIM TO ITS UNIQUE CHARM.

WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PLACE LIKE THIS IN BOSTON.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY, NORM?

WANT TO GO UP TO THE BIG ONES?

[grunting] YEP.

ALL RIGHT. I HEAR THEY SERVE 60-OUNCE MUGS DOWN THE STREET.

OH, HEY, HELEN, LOOK. IT'S BRIAN AND THAT GUY FROM THE MAGAZINE.

WHAT A SURPRISE, LET'S GO JOIN THEM.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU DIDN'T WANNA TAKE ME TO LUNCH.

I'M ONLY HERE SO IT WON'T LOOK LIKE

YOU'RE PATHETICALLY TAGGING ALONG AFTER THEM.

JOE, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH?

WOULD YOU HAVE COME?

OF COURSE NOT. I HAVE A LUNCH COUNTER.

I DON'T NORMALLY CLOSE IT AT LUNCH

TO GO TO LUNCH. THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A LUNCH COUNTER.

HELEN, I JUST WANT THE GUY TO KNOW HE'S MISSING OUT ON A DAMN GOOD STORY.

(Helen) YES. BUT THIS IS NOT-- HEY, HELEN, LOOK,

IT'S BRIAN AND TED. (Helen) HI.

HEY, GUYS, UH, DO YOU MIND IF WE JOIN YOU?

UH, NO, NO, GRAB A SEAT.

YOU KNOW, UH, TED, AFTER YOU LEFT,

I THOUGHT OF A PRETTY HAIR-RAISING EXPERIENCE

I THINK MIGHT BE JUST THE KIND OF STORY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

FINALLY.

I'D JUST TAKEN OFF FROM HYANNIS WITH A FULL LOAD OF PASSENGERS.

WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE A SQUALL HIT.

SO I TOLD THE PASSENGERS TO STRAP IN AND HANG ON.

HEY, THIS IS GOOD. GO ON.

WELL, THE THUNDER WAS CRASHING,

LIGHTNING'S FLASHING ALL AROUND US.

MY GAUGES WERE GOING HAYWIRE,

WHEN SUDDENLY, ONE OF MY ENGINES QUITS.

AND YOU WENT INTO A SPIN.

NO, NO, NO, I GOT IT STARTED AGAIN.

BUT BY THIS TIME, WE WERE IN A STEEP DIVE.

THE OCEAN WAS RUSHING UP TO MEET US.

SO, YOU HAD TO DITCH.

NO. NO, NO, NO, I--I LEVELED HER OUT

JUST AS THE WHITECAPS WERE LICKING AT OUR UNDERBELLY

AND WE MADE IT BACK TO NANTUCKET.

WHERE YOU CRASH-LANDED.

NO, WE--WE LANDED SAFELY.

ANY FATALITIES?

MULTIPLE INJURIES?

ANYTHING?

WELL, I COULD HAVE SWORN I HEARD ONE OF THE PASSENGERS SAY, "DEAR GOD."

I SEE.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME A SECOND HERE? SURE.

WHAT, THE GUY TAKES OFF POINTS 'CAUSE NOBODY WAS KILLED?

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I MEAN, HELEN OWNS THE LUNCH COUNTER,

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO CLOSE IT DOWN AT LUNCH TIME

TO GO OUT AND HAVE LUNCH.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'M HERE TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SWIPE MY STORY.

I'M NOT TRYING TO SWIPE YOUR STORY--

THIS IS JUST LIKE YOU, BRIAN,

YOU'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO STEAL MY THUNDER.

I MEAN, YOU'RE WAY OFF BASE, HERE.

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE PULLED THIS.

(Brian) WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ABOUT MY CONFIRMATION?

I'M JUST ABOUT TO KISS THE BISHOP'S RING,

YOU FALL ON THE FLOOR AND START MAKING ALL THOSE NOISES.

I WAS HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK.

YEAH, LIKE THAT WASN'T PLANNED.

UH, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, PAL,

I JUST SPENT THE WHOLE DAY TALKING ABOUT YOU.

TO THE BISHOP?

MAKE A PUPPET.

JOE, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK AT TED'S NOTES?

THEY'RE RIGHT INSIDE HIS BRIEFCASE.

NO, NO. I CAN'T DO THAT.

[exclaims] IT'S HIS PERSONAL PROPERTY.

I HAVE NO RIGHT TO-- WHY NOT?

OH, OH. OH, I SEE, I SEE.

YOU KNOW THAT I WON'T LOOK IN THERE

AND THAT WAY I'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU SAID TO HIM.

(Helen) BRIAN. HEY!

HELEN, YOU ARE A WITNESS THEY ARE OFFICIALLY OUT OF THE BRIEFCASE.

GO AHEAD, READ 'EM OUT LOUD.

WITH PLEASURE. GO AHEAD.

"JOE HACKETT, BEST PILOT I'VE EVER SEEN.

"COOL IN A CRISIS,

"TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT FLYING.

ONCE TURNED DOWN AN OFFER TO SING WITH THE DOODLETOWN PIPERS?"

THEY NEVER OFFERED ME A JOB.

OH, I KNOW, BUT IF THEY HAD,

I'D LIKE TO THINK YOU'D HAVE HAD THE GOOD TASTE

TO TURN THEM DOWN.

OH, MAN.

BRIAN, I--I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M-- FORGET IT. FORGET IT.

HERE HE COMES!

WELL, GUYS, I'M OUT OF HERE.

WHAT?

YEAH. I JUST CALLED MY EDITOR.

I GAVE HIM AN OVERVIEW OF WHAT WE HAD SO FAR AND HE KILLED THE STORY.

WE JUST COULDN'T FIND THE ANGLE WE WERE LOOKING FOR.

WHAT ANGLE WAS THAT?

THE INTERESTING ONE. SO LONG.

WHERE YOU GOING?

OUT.

OH, COME ON, NORM. I'M TELLING YOU, IT WAS THIS BIG.

CLIFFIE, IT WAS MORE LIKE THIS, OK?

NORM, I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES AND IT WAS THIS BIG.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS FINALLY GOT SOME FISH.

YEAH, YOU BET.

HOW MANY DID YOU CATCH?

WELL, WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY GO FISHING,

WE'RE, UH, TALKING ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE SEAFOOD PLATTER

NORM HAD AT CAPTAIN ANDY'S.

WHICH WAS THIS BIG.

NORM, I'M TELLING YOU, IT WAS THIS BIG

AND THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE SUPERTANKER.

AEROMASS FLIGHT 37 TO BOSTON

WILL NOW BEGIN BOARDING THROUGH GATE ONE.

LET'S GO.

I DEFINITELY WANT TO COME BACK HERE, THOUGH.

YEAH, YEAH. THINK NEXT TIME WE SHOULD ACTUALLY GO FISHING?

WHAT? AND RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD FISHING TRIP?

[sighing]

CESSNA NEVADA, 1-2-1, PAPA-PAPA,

THIS IS TOM NEVERS FIELD. COME IN, OVER.

HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO CONTACT JOE YET?

AH, HE'S NOT ANSWERING.

HE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR 2 HOURS.

THAT BOY CAN BE SO STUBBORN SOMETIMES, I JUST WANNA BOX HIS EARS.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

AND THEN THROW HIM INTO THE TURNBUCKLE

AND GIVE HIM A GOOD PILE DRIVER.

FAY!

I'M SORRY, I'VE BEEN WATCHING ENTIRELY TOO MUCH WRESTLING.

CESSNA NEVADA, 1-2-1, PAPA-PAPA,

THIS IS TOM NEVERS FIELD. COME IN, OVER.

(Joe) TOM NEVERS FIELD,

THIS IS CESSNA NEVADA, 1-2-1, PAPA-PAPA, OVER.

(Brian) CESSNA NEVADA, 1-2-1, PAPA-PAPA,

CAN WE STOP USING THESE STUPID NUMBERS AND JUST GO BY OUR NAMES?

ROGER.

NO, IT'S BRIAN.

[laughing]

(Brian) JOE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

I JUST NEEDED TO DO SOME THINKING.

WHEN ARE YOU COMING DOWN?

HELEN'S WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU.

REALLY?

WELL, ACTUALLY, SHE LEFT OVER AN HOUR AGO,

BUT SHE DID SAY YOU OWE HER $3.50 FOR BREAKFAST

SO SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.

I'M REALLY SORRY THAT THE ARTICLE THING DIDN'T WORK OUT.

(Joe) YEAH, THANKS.

AND, UH, I'M SORRY

I ACCUSED YOU OF TRYING TO STEAL MY STORY.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED, BABE.

YOU KNOW, BRIAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO PROVE MYSELF TO THAT JERK.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS.

I MEAN, I--I MAY NOT HAVE LIVED IN ALL THE EXOTIC PLACES YOU HAVE,

AND DONE ALL THE DEATH-DEFYING THINGS,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

SO, I DON'T MAKE GOOD COPY.

BUT I'M A DAMNED GOOD PILOT AND I'M PROUD OF IT.

AND I'M HAPPY WITH WHO I AM,

IT'S JUST THAT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I...

NOW, NOW I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING

BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME YOU WON'T EVER THROW THIS BACK AT ME,

OR TELL ANYONE I EVER SAID IT.

SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS A LITTLE MORE LIKE YOU.

BRIAN?

(Brian) HEY, JOE, I JUST FOUND OUT THE COOLEST THING.

IF YOU TURN THIS DIAL A LITTLE BIT TO THE LEFT,

I CAN PICK UP THE DOG RACES FROM MIAMI.

I-- I'M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

UH, UH, NOTHING, UM,

I'M HEADING HOME.

LEAVE A LIGHT ON FOR ME. OUT.

[static buzzing]

[sighing]

SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS A LITTLE MORE LIKE YOU, TOO.