Original subtitles

-Hey, Mom. -Oh darn, you just missed Bible study.

Whew, close one.

Well, I'm not gonna hassle you,

but only because you're dropping off my granddaughter.

Oh, gettin' me out of stuff. I wish I'd had you in high school.

You did.

Here's the rest of the dishes.

Hi, Georgie.

What are you doin' here?

Oh, your mom invited me to Bible study. And who is this little cutie, huh?

This is CeeCee. Can you say hi to Mr. Fagenbacher?

And then say bye to Mr. Fagenbacher 'cause he's leaving.

Don't be rude.

It's okay, I'm going.

Okay. Well, I hope to see you at church on Sunday?

I'll be there.

What the hell, Mom?

-Language. -I cleaned it up.

It's not the "what the" I wanted to say.

It was Bible study. God does not turn anyone away.

God don't, but you can.

I know that in the past Fred has been a real... monkey butt,

but he has been coming to church and I think he wants to change.

People don't change. Once a monkey butt, always a monkey butt.

Really? Because you were a wild teenager and now you are a responsible father.

Don't use me against me!

Fred is finding God and that is a good thing.

God is everywhere, he can find Him at someone else's mom's house!

-Have you heard from Connor? -No.

-Huh. I thought he would've checked in. -I thought so too.

Sleeping in a van full of girls. Can't imagine why he hasn't called his mother.

Fill your mouth with food.

Hey. How's your mom?

-You wouldn't believe it. -What's going on?

Fagenbacher was at her house for Bible study.

You're kidding.

Bible study? Who's buying that?

He's just doin' this to piss me off.

Clearly. Why else would he spend time with that woman?

Hey, that's my mom!

Come on, Audrey, she's a single, attractive lady.

Hey, that's my mom!

Who doesn't drink, dance, or have fun of any kind.

Hey, that's-- Actually, good point. Thank you.

Please come to bed.

I'm upset. I do push-ups when I'm upset.

Do you wanna talk about it?

-I can talk and do push-ups. -All right.

Goin' after my mom to get me. That's low.

And she was just buying everything he was selling.

Okay, yep, maybe we just talk.

You should've seen him.

Helpin' with the dishes, sayin' how cute CeeCee is.

Jerk.

You don't actually think your mom would date him, do you?

Of course not. She's too smart for that.

Well then what are you worried about?

That she ain't that smart and she's gonna date him.

Come on, he can't keep up this nice guy act for long.

You're right.

Although I did pretend to be nice for a whole year to win homecoming queen.

You're kiddin'!

You don't get the tiara without getting your hands dirty.

What?

Just thinking about Mary and Fred. So ridiculous.

Yeah.

I mean, can you imagine?

Why would I imagine it?

Exactly. It's impossible to imagine.

Mary is not his type.

What's his type? You?

Of course not. That was high school.

Then why are we still talking about it?

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't talk about Connor, I can't talk about Fred.

Is there anything else I can't bring up in front of you?

Now that you mention it,

I don't love you talking about all them fun things you're gonna do after I die.

I don't do that.

See plays on Broadway, go to Paris,

get a Pomeranian.

We could do all those things right now.

Over my dead body.

Bingo.

-Hey, can I ask you a question? -Sure.

Does your grandma ever go on dates with guys?

She's a grandma. Grandmas don't date. What's wrong with you?

My meemaw's a grandma, you do not wanna walk in her bedroom without knocking.

Be right with you.

Take your time.

-What's he doing here? -Don't care, I don't wanna talk to him.

-Somebody's gotta talk to him. -Fine, you do it.

Y'all need to work on your whispering.

-What do you want? -I'm just here to clear the air.

Stay away from my mom. There, the air is cleared.

I have nothing but respect for your mother.

Oh, give it a rest. You're just trying to get to me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can you catch me up here?

-This guy's been sniffing around my mom. -I'm caught up. Continue.

Georgie, me goin' to church has nothing to do with you.

I'm supposed to believe that?

I guess maybe I wouldn't if I was in your shoes,

but I'm tryin' to be a better man and Bible study's helping.

Oh, please, I've been to Bible study. Other than the cookies, it's the worst.

Well, maybe you should give it another shot. I'm sure Mary'd love to have you.

Don't call her Mary, it's Mrs. Cooper.

And hang around all you want, she's never gonna fall for you.

Well, no offense, son, but that's up to Mrs. Cooper.

-You let him have the last word! -I'm not happy about it either.

Come in!

Hey. CeeCee ready to go?

-Missy took her to the park. -Aw, that's sweet.

I was hopin' that spendin' the day with a toddler

might be a good form of birth control.

-Can I get you something to drink? -Oh, no, I got it.

So, what's new?

And by that I mean what the hell's going on with you and Fagenbacher.

There is no me and Fagenbacher. Georgie is being ridiculous.

I know. I told him you'd never be interested in a guy like that.

Well, as a Christian

I am interested in helpin' anyone who is looking for God's love.

Are you sure it's God's love he's looking for?

Mandy.

Are you into bad boys? Is that what's going on here?

No.

You know my mom and him used to be involved.

He told me.

And by "involved" I do mean sex stuff.

I know what it means.

Well, you say things like monkey butt, I wasn't sure.

I can take care of myself.

Of course. I just... I think Fred might be using you.

Why? Because I am some poor, gullible church lady

who's too naive to know when she's being fooled?

Well, I wasn't gonna put it that way, but since you did, let's go with it.

I am a grown woman, I have raised three children,

and I have buried my husband, I know a lot more about life than you do!

You're right.

And who I choose to spend my time with is nobody's business but my own.

I know, it's just that Georgie and I-

I'm sorry, did either of you ask how I felt when you two got involved?

And by "involved" I mean sex stuff.

-What are you doin'? -Making sure the phone's working.

-He's fine, Audrey. -Then why hasn't he called?

When prisoners break out, they don't call the warden.

Son of a bitch! Damn it!

Hey, y'all.

What was that about?

Sorry. I was just trying to get my feelings out so I don't bring y'all down.

Thank you, we are having a great time.

-What's going on? -Fagenbacher came by the store.

To gloat?

No, to tell me how much he respects my mom.

Ugh.

Please stop being on my side.

I wish there was some way I could prove to her what a dirtbag he is.

Well, what are you gonna do? Follow him and wait till he does something sleazy?

He's a regular at Nate's. Always there slobbering over some girl.

Well, great. W-We'll catch him in the act.

He knows you, he's not gonna do anything if you're there.

Right. We need someone he doesn't know.

Tonight?

You're paying for my drinks, right?

Dale, I'm going out!

Now, just keep an eye on him.

When he starts hitting on somebody, page me from the payphone.

-Well, what if he doesn't? -Oh, he will. He hits on everyone.

I mean, you're safe 'cause you're old.

Not too old to kick your ass.

I'd pay to see that.

So? Drink money!

Here you go.

Ten dollars? What am I, the designated driver?

Fine.

I drink top shelf.

And I'm a good tipper.

Never should've called her old.

-Oh. Hello. -Mandy left CeeCee's bag.

Thank you.

Would you like to come in?

-My son here? -No.

-CeeCee up? -No.

I'm okay.

I know everyone's been giving you a hard time about Freddy,

but I think it's none of their business.

Thank you.

Although I am surprised, him being so wild and fun.

You sayin' I'm not fun?

No, you're just... Bible fun.

And he's, you know, fun fun.

Well, I know this is tough because you and Fred dated in high school.

I'm sorry he dumped you, but that was a long time ago.

He told you he dumped me?

It doesn't matter. I'm gonna go.

'Cause I dumped him. For Jim. So, I win!

Well, then it looks like it worked out for everyone.

Especially for me!

'Cause I dumped him!

What is taking so long? I got to pee.

Here.

-Seriously? -Well, it's okay. I finished it.

I'm goin' inside.

You'll blow our cover. Just go behind a tree.

I am not going behind a tree!

-Why not? I pee all kinds of places. -I'm aware.

Dang it, now I gotta pee.

-You gotta see this. -See what?

Just come with me.

-What am I supposed to see? -That.

What the heck?

Yep, crazy. Gotta pee.

What are you doing?

I'm watching him.

Sending your grandma to spy on me, I respect that.

-You knew who she was? -I told him.

Why would you do that?

Figured if somebody wanted to date my daughter

I'll have to find out what's wrong with him.

Got a couple of ex-wives that would love to tell you.

Hey, free bit of advice here, don't ever hire a hot receptionist.

It's okay, I'm not lookin' for a job.

Stop liking him!

Come on, he might be good for your mom.

Help her get that stick outta her "patootie."

I think it's cute how she don't cuss.

Yeah. Well, you're wrong.

Hey, what'd I miss?

-Meemaw likes him. -Oh. Well, why don't you two date?

Problem solved.

What do you think?

Well, I got a boyfriend,

but he's of an age, so keep in touch.

Drinking alone. My kind of gal.

I just want you to know, you are twice the man Fred Fagenbacher is.

What are we talkin', like in my pants?

I mean in every way.

Oh, well, thank you.

Seriously, smartest thing I ever did was dump him for you.

-I agree. -And I did dump him.

This Mary thing really bugs you, doesn't it?

They are so different. It's like a dog dating a...

a very religious duck.

And what if it works out?

Thanksgiving with him, Christmas with him,

Easter with him helping CeeCee looks look for eggs.

I help CeeCee look for eggs!

And you are very good at it.

Connor?

No, I will not take your survey.

Of course I'm a Republican!

I met your new beau the other night.

-Nice lookin' fella. -He is not my beau, we're just friends.

A beau is just a friend you want to boink.

-Mom. -Boink is as G-rated as I can make it!

Well, that is not happenin'.

Why not? I like him.

There is one reason right there.

Well, he likes you.

He hasn't even asked me out.

Well, if he did, would you go?

I don't know. It's... complicated.

Oh, honey, listen to me.

This is your life and you've gotta do what makes you happy.

Even if it makes everyone else miserable?

Everybody else can just go boink themselves.

Glad you came back.

This, uh, this book's a real page-turner, gotta see how it ends.

So, I heard you met my mother.

She's a piece of work.

She's a piece of somethin'.

-I think she was flirtin' with me. -Oh, she was.

Hey, y'all.

What are you two doin' here?

Well, it's Bible study, I thought everyone was welcome.

Georgie.

Told you she wouldn't buy it.

Fine, I'm here to keep an eye on this clown.

This is not the place.

It's okay, Mary, he's just being protective. He's a good son.

Oh, drop it. I ain't that good a son.

-Yeah, he did forget her birthday. -Thank you.

If I'm causing problems, I can leave.

Yeah, take you a cookie and get.

No, you are here for the right reasons. They can go.

The right reasons? You're just usin' God to get at my mother.

Look, I never thought I'd be at a Bible study, not sober anyhow.

But, uh, your mother saw something good in me that I couldn't see in myself.

Oh, well, that doesn't mean anything, she sees the good in everybody.

-Except your mom. -Trying to make a point!

If I'm being honest, yes, I am interested in Mary.

Told you.

But I'm more interested in trying to be a better person.

See? He is on a righteous path.

How are you so gullible?

Okay, that is enough. You two need to leave.

Fine, but you better not make a move on her.

Don't worry, I'll be on my best behavior.

To heck with that. Fred, would you like to have dinner with me?

No, he wouldn't.

I would love to.

You two start datin', CeeCee's never coming over here again.

-Okay, Georgie, hang on. -I'm serious.

That's the kinda decision she's making, I don't trust her with our daughter.

You are using CeeCee to control me?

You're picking him over your own family.

Okay, there is the door, you know how to use it.

Okay, I think this just got a little out of hand-

-I ain't foolin' around, I mean it. -So do I! Go!

Come on.

Okay, everyone everybody please gather around

and open your our Bibles to Proverbs 10:1.

-Hello? -It's me, made it to Lubbock.

Oh, thank God.

Honey, I know I wasn't thrilled with this trip,

but I am really proud of you.

I'm glad you're out there living your life.

I sure am.

So, how's it going? Tell me everything.

Oh, where to begin...